Work is slow, and inventory needed to be checked, so I made my way to the armory and started the process. I placed all of the side arms on the table in front of me, and started writing down the serial numbers. I had only catalogued three weapons before Kensi came in, and started asking weird questions.
"How would you describe the way we settle disagreements?" Kensi asked.
Where is this going? I thought, but answered without looking up from my work. "I apologize even when it's not my fault. Typical male-female dynamic. Why?" I asked.
"What's you greatest fear?" she asked.
Oh, that's easy. I thought, and said. "Quicksand. No, headhunters, actually. Headhunters and being buried up to my neck in an ant hill, which headhunters do." I said, looking up from my work. I noticed that Kensi was holding a clipboard in one hand and had a pen in the other hand.
"So basically anything in a Tarzan movie?" she said.
"Pretty much," I said, as I returned my attention to the catalogue process in front of me.
"Do you have reoccurring nightmares?" she asked.
"Just the one with Hetty and the burning monkey." I said.
"What?" she asked.
"What?" I asked, looking up from my paperwork. "I thought everybody had that."
Kensi's eyes got big as saucers as she shook her head. "I know Eric does." I said. Kensi inhaled sharply to comment, and then decided against it with a wave. "That's awkward." I said, as I looked away from Kensi. I returned my attention to the paperwork in front of me.
"What other job would you be doing if you couldn't get be in law enforcement?" she asked.
"Gigolo." I said, without hesitation.
"Seriously?" she asked.
"I still have that dollar you gave me." I said.
"Please, stay on track here." she said.
"School teacher." I said.
"Really?" she asked.
"Who lives a double life as a gigolo. Why are you asking me all these question?" I asked, looking up from the paperwork.
"It's just a partner's survey." she said, as she brushed a lock of hair behind her ear.
I paused for a few moments, and then said. "I didn't get one."
"Pssh! Well—"
I reached out and snatched the clipboard out of her hand. "Hey, give it back." she said.
"Hold on, hold on. How would you describe the way that you smell? What the…This isn't from Hetty, this is from a bridal magazine. No, no, this is for "partner" partners." I said.
"Okay, just give it back." she said, reaching for the clipboard.
"No, no." I said, pushing her arm away.
"Uh, forget about it." she said.
"Hold on a second." Is aid.
"What?" she asked.
"Why are you reading a bridal magazine?" I asked.
"It was in the laundromat." she said.
"So you stole it?" I asked.
"It's from two thousand seven." she said, holding her hand out as she weakly defending her actions.
I paused for a moment as Kensi motioned for me to return the clipboard. "Oh, my God." I said. Kensi give me a look that I read as What? "Your biological clock—"
"Shut it. Don't say another word." she said, sternly.
I can't tell if that is a look of shock, or surprise that I was able to hone in on the reasoning behind this impromptu questionnaire. Or I could just be reading into this look. I thought.
As I said my next sentence, Nell, who I did not see because Kensi was blocking my view, walked in and was pretty disturbed by the subject matter of our conversation. So much so that her that her eyebrows darn near flew off her forehead. "It's so funny because I always thought that ticking was a bomb, but it turns out it's you wanting to make a baby."
"Stop it." She said.
"I wish I could make the offer. I remember making cute ninja assassins with—"
"Hi. Sorry. Victor Varlamov was just murdered on the beach this morning." Nell interjected.
From the look on Nell's face I realized that I was about let slip that I was, for all intents and purposes, married to Kensi. Kensi pretended walk away, but reached for the clipboard. I moved the clipboard out of reach before she could grab it. As Kensi walked away I said. "Tick, tock."
Nell did everything she could to suppress a smile and a laugh until Kensi walked past, which she did superbly. All Nell did was point at Kensi after she had walked past her. All I could do was smile and shrug my shoulders.
"I'm pretty certain that Hetty wants you to refrain from mentioning your past relationships with Kensi." Nell said to me as I leaving the armory.
"Oh, uh, don't forget to fill out your partner survey." I said, handing Nell the clipboard.
Up in Ops, Eric cued up the video of Varlamov being murdered. The video, of course, did not get the killers face on camera.
"We pulled this from a Venice chess park. It's the only camera and only angle." Eric said, freezing the camera the moment Varlamov was murdered.
"You think this is related to Isaak Sidorov?" Kensi asked.
"Sidorov thinks a rival Mob boss, Anatoli Kirkin, hired Varlamov to assassinate him." Nell said, recapping the highlights of the last case involving Sidorov.
"One of the reasons Sidorov fled the country." Sam said.
"Well, maybe he's back." I said, knowing full well that he returned a full six hours before everybody else in the room.
"Sidorov has three stolen nukes. Maybe getting rid of Kirkin and Varlamov is step one." Nell said.
"The killer made sure not to show his face. It was as if he knew where the camera was." Eric said, as the video continued playing.
"Why did he choose a bench that was on camera?" I asked.
"Proof of the hit." Sam said.
"He staged it so someone could watch from a remote location. Find out who was watching the feed at the time. Send us everything you have on Varlamov. Why don't you see if the killer left any clues." Callen said, and then walked away.
"Uh, where are you going?" Kensi asked.
"Talk to one of Varlamov's poker buddies." Callen said.
N.C.I.S. L.A.
County morgue-
The technician pulled the sheet back to reveal Varlamov, but he had three letters carved into his forehead.
"Wow. I believe that falls under adding insult to injury." I said, attempting to translate the letters on Varlamov's forehead. I took a picture on my phone.
Kensi raised Varlamov's hand, to reveal that it was missing the middle finger. "What do you think this falls under?" Kensi asked.
"He flipped off the wrong guy." I said. Kensi scoffs, but I remember what the letters translate to. "The Cyrillic letters translate to elephant in English."
"What does that have anything to do with this?" she asked.
"Well given the letters carved into his head, and the amputated middle finger, do we really need to discuss the elephant in the room?" I asked.
"I'm so alone." she said, and then left.
"Kensi? Kensi." I said. I scoffed, and then followed Kensi out.
I caught up to Kensi when we got out to the SRX. "Kensi." I said. All Kensi did was turn and gave a look that I interpreted as What. "Unless you got any better ideas, I'd like see you do better."
"I don't have any better ideas, but seriously? Elephant in the room." she said.
"I was being sarcastic, sheesh." I said.
"I think that was obvious." she said.
"Without Varlamov's finger, I don't have a clue what "Slon" really means." I said.
"Slon? You said that it was elephant." she said, dumbfounded.
"I did because Slon does translate to elephant, but I seriously doubt that the killer was talking about an elephant." I said.
"Then what does Slon mean?" she asked.
"I'm sure that Callen and Sam will have a better chance with that translation after talking to Varlamov's poker buddy. I wonder if they're going to see Arkady again." I said.
"Do you know him?" she asked.
"I've seen photos, and we did that case two years back with Arkady, but I've never had any personal dealings with Arkady." I said.
Kensi stared at the ground for a second, trying to wrap her head around what we just learned, but pulled out her phone to update Callen and Sam.
"What do you have Kensi?" Callen asked, when he answered the phone.
"The word "Slon," in Russian is carved on his forehead and he's missing his middle finger." Kensi said.
"Yeah." Callen said.
"Deeks already said that Slon translates to elephant in English, but he has a feeling that this case has nothing to do with the pachyderm and everything to do with the missing finger. Here's the photo of the carving." Kensi said, sending the photo to Callen.
"All right, Kens, thanks." Callen said, and then hung up the phone.
Kensi and I went back to Ops. When we got back, we made a bee-line for the bull pen and watch the video of Varlamov's murder and over again trying to see if there was anything that we missed. On the screen the video was playing, plus Varlamov's person of interest photo and the picture form the morgue.
"What do you suppose was in that letter?" Kensi asked.
"Don't look behind you." I said sarcastically. I turned to look at Kensi, who looked at me in disgust, but I continued. "It was probably just a plant to lure him there and distract him."
"Whoever planted the letter must have called Varlamov to tell him to look for it." Kensi said.
"Hey guys." Nell said, entering the bull pen.
"Yeah, Nell, we need you to check Varlamov's phone records." I said, turning to look at Nell.
"Will do. But we just got a call from Callen. He thinks Sidorov and his man Greshnev may be back in the country." Nell said. On the plasma, two photos of Greshnev and Sidorov appeared.
"Well, it makes sense, if they killed Varlamov. Also means that Kirkin might be next." Kensi said.
"If Sidorov is back, he's probably trying to sell those stolen nukes. Where are Sam and Callen?" I asked.
"On their way to Sam's house. They can't reach his wife Michelle." Nell said.
"All right, tell them we'll go there and meet them." Kensi said, and then we vacated the bull pen.
As if on cue, Hetty appeared out of nowhere. "I'm afraid the two of you are needed elsewhere. Our old friend, Officer Snyder, from the CIA, is on his way to the boatshed." Hetty said. I snickered at the mention of Michael Snyder, which Kensi did not miss. Hetty continues speaking. "Assistant Director Granger wants us to partner up with him."
"What? Why?" I asked. I had fun messing with the guy, but I don't want to be stuck with him all day.
"Because if this does involve the Sidorov and the missing nukes, then it's bigger than both our agencies." Hetty said.
"When you say partner, you mean just keep him in the loop, right?" I asked.
"I'm thinking more like a double date." Hetty said.
"What?" I asked, not believing what I just heard.
"Uh, we're babysitting?" Kensi asked.
"Think of it as animal control. I need you to keep Officer Snyder busy until Callen and Sam can get a handle on this. Do not let him out of your sight." Hetty said.
Kensi and I shared a knowing smile, and then head to the boatshed.
N.C.I.S. L.A.
Boatshed-
Kensi and I were sitting on the couch, and I had a bottle of water in my hand. Michael Snyder was not happy when we told him that Sam was unavailable, and that he would be working with us. Snyder walked away from us. As he was walking back he looked at us and said. "I was very specific with Hetty when I told her I needed to see Hanna."
"He's on assignment." Kensi said.
"What about his wife?" Snyder asked.
"Michelle?" I asked.
"Does he have more than one?" Snyder asked.
"I don't know. Does he?" Kensi asked.
"I don't think so." I said.
"Cute. You two really think you can stall and keep me here all day?" Snyder asked.
"I don't know. Can we?" I asked.
"How are we doing so far?" Kensi asked. Snyder looked at Kensi. "We're just trying to help you Agent Snyder."
"Officer Snyder, and you two can't help me." Snyder said.
"Yeah, people from the CIA get kind of touchy when you call them anything other than officer." I said.
"Actually, you could probably help me." Snyder said.
Kensi inhaled sharply and said. "Mm."
"Wow. Nice." I said.
"You don't even look like you could help yourself."
Kensi meowed, and then I asked. "Was I just insulted?"
"Sounded pretty insulting to me. Definitely condescending." Kensi said.
"Almost disdainful." I said.
"Borderline supercilious." Kensi said.
"I am super silly, so I guess you got me there. All though I would be careful. Wouldn't want any more late night visits like last time." I said, and then got from the couch. I walked over to the fridge and opened the door.
"What?" Kensi asked. I just remembered that Kensi was not aware of the fact that I went and paid Snyder a visit last time he was working with us.
Snyder turned and looked. It took him all of two seconds to say. "That was you?"
"I don't know what you talking about." I said.
"What does he mean?" Kensi asked.
"Agent Snyder here—"
"It's Officer Snyder." Snyder corrected me, but I don't care.
"Agent Snyder here thinks that his late night visitor he had was me. Even though it was some random six foot tall man dressed all in black, wearing a ski mask, and black gloves. Said person was giving him a hard time about treating his associates poorly: whether from his own agency, or neighboring agencies." I said, reaching into the fridge to grab another bottle of water.
"You didn't deny it." Snyder said.
"You have no photographic evidence, either." I said.
"You're interfering with a federal investigation." Snyder said.
"But we are federal investigators." Kensi corrected, leaning back and resting her arms on the back of the couch.
"Wait a minute. Now I'm confused. Who's on first?" I asked.
"Keep it up, but even that garden gnome you call a boss won't be able to save your assess if you screw the pooch on this one." Snyder threatened.
"Don't threaten me with a good time." I said.
"Garden gnomes, screwing of pooches…What world do you live in?" Kensi asked, skeptically.
"Hey do you want to see me dislocate my wrist?" I asked, approaching Snyder as I took a bite of the carrot I grabbed.
N.C.I.S. L.A.
OPS: Ops-
Nell was going over the survey that I had given her earlier in the day. Nell had no idea why she had to take this partner's survey with Eric, but she decided to run with it. Nell walked into Ops looking at the survey, when Eric said. "Hey, I sent Varlamov's phone records to your tablet."
"Cool. Thanks." Nell said. There was a pause before Nell asked. "How would you describe the way we settle disagreements?"
"What disagreements?" he asked.
"Exactly. What is your greatest fear?" she asked.
"The day the robots turn on us." he said.
"Artificial intelligence runs amok." she said, somewhat surprised at the simplicity of the answer.
"Nothing scarier." he said.
"Agreed. All right. I already know your Hetty nightmare, so…"she said skipping to the next question. Eric shuddered at the mention of said nightmare. Nell the asked. "What other job would you be doing if you couldn't be in law enforcement?"
"Is this a test?" he asked, afraid to answer that question truthfully.
"It is a partner survey." she said.
"Are we getting graded on it?" He asked.
"I don't know. Professional Renfaire performer." she said.
"My lady dost knowest me well." he said.
Nell brushed a lock of hair out her vision and then asked. "Um, how would you describe the way I smell?" Eric stared blankly at Nell, and then she said. "Yeah. That's weird."
"Little bit." he said.
"We're gonna skip that one." she said.
"Okay." he said.
"What part of my body do you…?" she began, and the paused. "Okay."
"What?" Eric asked.
"This is a "partner" partner survey…which we have no business filling out." Nell said after a moments pause.
Nell put the clipboard down, grabbed her tablet, dialed Callen's number, and then exited the room. Nell felt bad for leaving Eric in a very bewildered position, and horrible for not reading the survey sooner. She just hopes that she didn't mess anything up between them by partaking in the survey.
"Okay, I'll just keep…" Eric began, but Nell was already leaving.
"Hey, Callen. So no sign of Greshnev or his boss, Sidorov, entering the country. And Eric's still weeding through IP addresses logged onto the chess cam. We did, however, get access to Varlamov's recent phone records." Nell said, as she was walking away from Ops.
"Anything stand out?" Callen asked.
"One new number popped up two days ago, looks like a burn phone. I'm still trying to find out where it was purchased." she said.
"Let me know when you do." he said.
"How's everything with Sam's wife?" Nell asked.
"Just a little domestic misunderstanding. I'll touch base when we have a plan." Callen said, and then hung up the phone.
Nell, remembering what had happened before calling Callen with an update, wanted to go back and apologize to Eric for everything that happened, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Just yet. So, Nell went to find where the burn phone was purchased, while thinking of an appropriate what to apologize to Eric.
N.C.I.S. L.A.
Boatshed-
"Just out of curiosity, what if I wanted to join the CIA?" I asked.
"Oh, you'd be a good spy. He's very sneaky." Kensi said. Kensi turned to look at me, and the look was one of Seriously.
"I prefer stealthy." I said.
"Okay, he's very stealthy." Kensi said.
"Also a master of disguise." I said.
"Oh, you should see his Margaret Thatcher impression." Kensi said.
This got Snyder's attention. "You're a master of disguise? So you did visit me last time Sidorov was in town."
"Okay hypothetically speaking, if I did visit you I wouldn't have been spotted." I said.
"That's not possible. Our surveillance software would have picked you up." Snyder said.
"Where's the proof?" I asked.
"I didn't print it out." Snyder said.
"Even if you would have went looking for it, you wouldn't have found any. I was a ghost for fifty years. Nothing at the CIA would have helped you." I said.
Snyder rolled his eyes, I can see that he's started to lose his patience. "You're both very comical. But you know what's really amusing? You two think, by stalling me, that you're keeping me here, when, in reality, I'm keeping the two of you here." Snyder said, as he took a seat at the table.
"What? You see that? He did the double reverse on us." I said.
"You know, you're good. He's good." Kensi said.
"See, that's what I'm talking about. Central Intelligence training. Teach me that." I said.
"Oh, me too. And if we both join together, can we get a signing bonus? Or a set of, uh, commemorative plates?" Kensi asked.
Kensi was about to ask another question, but didn't when we saw a man we ran into last year. I have no idea what his name is, but I was not happy that Granger let him walk.
"What is he doing here?" I asked.
"I found Snyder's name on his collar." Callen said, entering the main hall.
I pointed at Snyder, and started to snicker. "Wait. He works for you?" Kensi asked. Snyder nodded his head.
"Vostanik Sabatino." Sabatino said, introduced himself, and then offered me his hand. I just stared at Sabatino like he was an alien from outer space. "Sorry I couldn't identify myself the last time our paths crossed."
"You're a spook?" I asked.
"He killed someone. What was his name?" Kensi asked.
"Brent Bolton." Callen said.
"I didn't kill him. I was working his wife Mia as asset. Her husband came at me with a gun. He tripped, fell on some stairs, the gun went off, and Bolton shot himself. End of story." Sabatino said.
"And now she's a widow, and he's dead, and you want us to work with Mr. Sympathy?" Kensi asked.
"Who has very shoddy spy craft." I interjected.
"You couldn't have done better." Sabatino said.
"That's not what your boss has been saying." I said.
"I don't. Granger does." Callen said, reigning this little circus.
"Hey, guys? A computer at an L.A. public library logged onto the chess park cam ten minutes before Varlamov showed up. Whoever it was logged off right after he was killed. I'm guessing that's not a coincidence." Eric said.
"Nice work. We'll check it out." Callen said.
"Where's Sam?" Kensi asked.
"He's gone back undercover as David Forman, as his wife Michelle goes under as Quinn." Callen said.
"Has Sidorov tried to contact her?" Snyder said.
"Not yet, but if Greshnev's back, Sidorov won't be too far behind, which means it's only a matter of time." Callen said.
"And when he does, we need to be there. And preferably, without Sonny and Cher here?" Snyder said.
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen." Callen said.
"I got you, babe." I said, and Kensi waved at Snyder.
"Oh, and Sabatino. If Deeks was on your trail…" Callen began.
"What?" Sabatino asked.
"You would have never known it." Callen said.
"Impossible." Sabatino said.
"Ever head of the Phantom Protocol?" Callen asked.
"That's not possible. That program hasn't been active in over thirty years." Snyder said.
"Ten. Phantom Protocol hasn't been working in over ten years." I said.
Callen left, as Kensi, me, Sabatino and Snyder went to the library.
We were at the library for half an hour before Snyder decided to ask questions. "What have you been doing for the past ten years?"
"How is that relevant?" I asked.
"There were only two people who were tapped for the Phantom Protocol, and those people are well over sixty years old. There is no way you're a phantom, too young." Snyder said.
"Don't let appearance be deceiving. Unless of course we're talking about you." I said.
Snyder smiled. "What's so funny?" I asked.
"I'm smiling at the fact that while both of us are stuck in this car, arguing with each other…" Snyder began.
"Sounds like a comedy sketch." I quipped.
"My partner is up there hitting on your smoking hot partner." Snyder finished with a grin.
"Yeah, well, doesn't really matter, he can hit on her all he wants. The fact of the matter is that she is a stone cold fox. Emphasis on stone cold." I said.
"Well, just be happy that she's your partner and not your girlfriend." Snyder said, with another smile.
I started to see red, but instead I reached over and gently patted Snyder on the chest, and then got out of the car and entered the library.