For Want of a Boot

"Are you sure you are okay?" Piotr asked as the Acolytes appeared in relative darkness. "You ran into me really hard."

"Yeah, I'm fine homme," Remy winced rubbing his temple. "That smack to the head finally knocked me out of my brief puppet mania."

"No, not the puppets," Mastermind twitched glancing around anxiously. "They're out there. I can sense them. They are just waiting to pounce and eat me alive…"

"Too bad I can't say the same about Masty," Remy drawled.

"Yay! Everybody pounce! And bounce!" Sabertooth giggled skipping about insanely. "Boingy, boingy, boingy!"

"I see Sabertooth is still under the euphoric effects of silver vine tea," Piotr noted.

"Hey! Who turned out the lights?" Pyro yelped stumbling around blindly. "Where did all the pangolins go? Come back my little armored friends!"

"And Pyro is long gone," Remy sighed. "Well, at least he isn't still making dancing fire animals."

"Please do not give him ideas," Piotr cautiously waved a hand about the darkness and felt the outline of a dry, compact dirt wall. "Where and when do you think we are this time?"

"No idea," Remy peeked out an open window to see a dark, barren landscape under a starry, moonless sky. "Wherever we are it's night, it's indoors and we're apparently alone. Might as well bunker down and try to get some sleep."

"No, we can't go to sleep," Mastermind whimpered hugging himself while rocking back and forth. "That's just what the puppets want us to do. They'll jump us in the middle of the night before turning me into one of them. I can't risk falling asleep…"

"Don't worry, Masty. I can help with that," Remy took out his staff and whacked Mastermind on the head.

"Oooh, look at the pretty birdies," Mastermind warbled before slumping to the floor in a heap.

"Was that really necessary?" Piotr frowned in disapproval.

"No, but it felt good and helped Masty go to sleep," Remy shrugged. "And his constant ramblings about puppets were really getting annoying."

"That is no excuse," Piotr scolded. "You can not just go hitting fellow teammates in the head on a whim just to change their behavior."

"Boingy, boingy, boingy!" Sabertooth bounced in a circle around them. "Hey, let's sing the bouncing song!"

"You were saying?" Remy gave Piotr a look.

"Well, maybe just this once," Piotr sighed and reluctantly punched Sabertooth out.

"Oooh, bunnies," Sabertooth keeled over with a thud.

"See, that wasn't so hard," Remy quipped. "And it felt good too, didn't it?"

"A little," Piotr admitted. "Okay, a lot."

"The pangolins must be saved! Charge!" Pyro yelled and took off only to run straight into the wall.

WHAM!

"At least some people have the courtesy to knock themselves out," Remy quipped at Pyro's unconscious form. He took off Pyro's pack before lying down next to him. "G'night, mes amis."

"Goodnight," Piotr lay down as well and quickly fell asleep.

Several hours later…

"Mmmm, yes signorina. I am so cute and sophisticated," Mastermind mumbled while happily curled up in his sleep. He smiled as something hot and wet began gently nuzzling his cheek. "Please, signorina. You are embarrassing me. You must stop. What am I saying?" Mastermind giggled turning to embrace the moist, encroaching pair of lips. "Kiss me. Please kiss me…" Mastermind opened his eyes and found himself face-to-face with a camel. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"Hyuuurh," The camel grunted.

"BLEAH!" Mastermind shot up and began wiping his face like mad. "YUCK! I'VE BEEN VIOLATED BY A CAMEL! I NEED BLEACH! HOT WATER! MOUTHWASH! IODINE! GAAACCCKKK!"

"Sounds like somebody finally decided to wake up," Remy's amused voice came from somewhere nearby.

"Hey, Masty! Over here!" Pyro's chirps were heard as well.

"Ughhh!" Mastermind stumbled out from the adobe-walled building which was apparently some kind of stable. Dozens of camels lounged in its shaded interior while feeding on piles of gathered shrubs and grasses.

"Good morning," Piotr waved from where the other Acolytes sat on a collection of squat boulders while washing their feet in a water trough situated behind the stable. A small, oasis-like town of tents and earthen buildings stood near the bank of a long, wide river with sandy, arid desert to the north and green, inland delta wetlands to the south. "Sleep well?"

"The sleep was fine, the wake up was terrible!" Mastermind gagged wiping his face. "I nearly succumbed to a pair of tough, drooping camel lips intent on smothering me in kisses and rubbing themselves all over my face!"

"Eh, I've woken up next to worse," Sabertooth grunted. The effects of the silver vine tea had finally worn off.

"That must be the feeding area of the stable," Pyro gestured at the section where the mutants had spent the night. "We all woke up and moved out here before the first camel came over searching for a bite of brekkie."

"We decided to let you rest. You seemed very tired," Piotr said.

"Thanks a lot," Mastermind spat. "Please tell me one of you lunatics has toothpaste so I can wash the taste of camel saliva out of my mouth. Or better yet, coffee."

"Sorry, Masty," Remy held out his empty hands. "I'm fresh out of both."

"Figures," Mastermind groaned. "Any chance of finding either of those commodities around here?"

"I dunno. Maybe," Remy shrugged gesturing at the small town. "This place seems to be some kind of obscure rest stop or trading post."

"We were waiting for you to wake up and tell us where and when we are," Piotr indicated the machine.

"I'd love to tell you all to go straight to…" Mastermind muttered under his breath as he turned and showed his teammates one of the screen's displays:

March 29, 1226 A.D.
9k~ q!2#7+a*&P, Mali

"Huh, well that's different," Remy commented. "This place must be so remote it doesn't even have a name."

"Maybe the machine still needs to finish clearing up," Piotr suggested.

"Good idea. I am going to go do the same thing," Mastermind winced rubbing his cheek. "Do I even want to know what passes for a toilet around here?"

"We made a rock seat over a hole along one side of the stable with some grass bundles blocking the view," Remy jerked a thumb around the corner of the building while tossing Mastermind half a roll of toilet paper. "Came back out here to wash our hands and air out our boots."

"Great, yet another personal hygienic episode in the glamorous life of a time traveling globetrotter," Mastermind groaned shuffling off in the indicated direction. "I'll probably top it off by catching cholera and dysentery."

"Do you think we should have warned him about the nest of cobras we found living in the grass?" Piotr asked.

"Eh, what Masty doesn't know won't hurt him," Remy shrugged. "Or maybe it will…"

"I didn't know just how bad my boots had gotten," Pyro commented wiggling his toes. "It feels like my feet have been cooped up inside them for weeks."

"We really should stop sleeping with our boots on," Piotr massaged his foot. "It worsens the circulation and increases the chance of causing trench and athlete's foot."

"It does feel nice to go barefoot every once in a while," Remy admitted. "Of course it would feel a lot better if someone didn't keep hogging all the foot cream."

"Hey, I'm the one who remembered to grab some back in Detroit, so I'm the one who gets to use it," Sabertooth growled. "Besides, I got sensitive feet."

"Oh please," Remy waved. "Vibram sole hiking boots are less delicate and dainty than your tender tootsies."

"And have less mold and fungus growing on 'em too," Pyro added.

"My feet aren't moldy!" Sabertooth snapped. "And neither are my boots!"

"I believe that," Remy said. "Any microorganisms living inside your boots would have died out from the smell long ago."

"That would explain the screaming I heard coming from them the last time Sabertooth changed his socks," Piotr blinked.

"Let's hear how much you idiots scream when I sock you!" Sabertooth snapped.

"Calm down, Sabes. We're just messing with ya," Pyro waved. "We all know microorganisms can't scream that loud."

"And are much less irritating," Piotr added.

"Speaking of irritating, my left boot has been feeling really funny lately," Remy picked it up and felt along the front. "Oh great. One of the knee pads is bent way out of shape."

"No worries, Gambit. I'll fix it for ya," Pyro chirped.

"Yeah right," Remy snorted. "You'll 'fix' it by melting my boot into a shapeless blob of goo."

"Don't be silly, mate," Pyro insisted. "I'll just use a small flame to heat the metal and bend the knee pad back into place."

"It would be safer if I bend the heated knee pad," Piotr said armoring up his hands. "It should be quite simple."

"Well, okay," Remy gave in tossing his boot at Pyro. "Just make sure to be really, really careful."

"Gahhh," Mastermind suddenly reappeared having finished his personal business. "There goes yet another memorable experience that has scarred me for life. And I thought last-class airplane lavatories were bad…ow!"

"Whoops, sorry Masty," Remy said as his tossed boot struck Mastermind in the head. "Didn't mean to hit ya."

"Oh really?" Mastermind snapped picking up Remy's boot and hurling it at him. "Well I do!"

"Okay, that's enough foot cream. My boots should be fine for another few…gahhh!" The thrown boot hit Sabertooth right in the face causing him to toss one of his own boots into the air. "Hey, what's the big idea, Bonzo?"

"Sorry," Mastermind muttered irritably. "I was aiming for Gambit."

"Well that figures," Sabertooth snapped rubbing his nose. "You couldn't hit a Beefmaster bull in the butt with a bass fiddle! Now where did my boot go?"

"In there," Pyro pointed at the stable. "It flew straight through the open window."

"HYUUURH!"

"And that is the town's entire compliment of camels desperately attempting to escape from the stable's interior," Piotr blinked.

"Gee, I wonder why," Remy quipped. "A mosh pit full of skunks would flee to get away from Sabes' smelly boots."

"Shut up, Cajun!" Sabertooth stomped toward the stable and the herd of highly disturbed camels. "Outta my way ya walking fat farms! You better not leave any presents in my boot…gaaahhh!"

"HYUUURH!"

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt," Remy winced as the panicked camels tore into Sabertooth in their desperate flight to escape. "Who knew camels had so many sharp teeth?"

"And could deliver such high kicks," Mastermind gulped at the sight.

"Careful Sabes! Don't hurt the camels!" Pyro scolded.

"DON'T HURT THE CAMELS?!" Sabertooth yelled while fighting for his life. "AAAUUUGGGHHH! THOSE TEETH ARE SHARP! YEEEOOOW! DON'T BITE ME THERE! WAAAHHHHHH!"

"Do not worry! I will help you!" Piotr armored up and quickly rushed to Sabertooth's aid. "Just say calm and watch out for the…ah…ah…ACHOOOOOO!"

"Gesundheit," Mastermind blinked as Piotr knocked himself over from the sneeze.

"Are you okay, homme?" Remy stared at Piotr in surprise.

"I do not kno…kno… ACHOOOOOO!" Piotr struggled to stand up as another explosive blast erupted from his nose. "I have never had to sneeze so bad befo…befo…ACHOOOOOO!"

SMASH!

"Man, I have to admit that's impressive," Remy whistled as Piotr's latest sneeze sent him crashing straight through the back wall of the stable. "Looks like Piotr is violently allergic to camels."

"No, you think?" Mastermind gave him a look.

"How come Colossus is just starting to sneeze now?" Pyro asked slipping on his socks and boots. "We spent the whole night together in that stable."

"His allergy must only be triggered when in close proximity to camels," Remy concluded. "We had all come outside before the camels moved in to have breakfast."

"All except me," Mastermind glared.

"ACHHHOOOOOO! ACHHHOOOOOO! ACHHHOOOOOO!" More violent sneezes erupted from inside the stable.

"Don't worry, Colossus! I know how to calm your sneezing down! And the camels too!" Pyro shouted running into the stable. "Nothing calms the nerves and sinuses better than a soothing dose of incense!"

"What?!" Mastermind yelled. "No!"

FA-WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!

"Oh boy, here we go again," Remy sighed as half the stable was rapidly engulfed in flames.

"HYUUURH!" The frightened camels stampeded and fled the scene in terror.

"WAAAUUUGGHHH!" Sabertooth yelped as he was trampled by the herd. "Oh, my back…"

"Aaahhhhhh!" Mastermind ran and quickly ducked inside an adjacent building filled with wrapped bundles, blocks and packages. "And thought coffee was effective at jump-starting one's body in the morning!"

"Dabila! Kojugukɛla! Nson!" A band of angry traders and local merchants suddenly stormed into the building and gestured at Mastermind.

"Huh?" Mastermind blinked turning on his translator.

"Stop right there, thief!" A furious caravan rider pointed at Mastermind. "We saw you sneaking into the storehouse! You set the stable on fire to frighten our camels and distract us leaving you free to steal our goods!"

"You will not get away with it!" Another desert tribesman yelled. "Our cargo is worth more than its weight in gold!"

"Gold?" Remy perked up having retrieved his thrown boot. "Tell me more."

"Get the thief! Cut off his hands! Stake him out to be eaten by buzzards!" The mob of merchants and traders shouted.

"No! Wait, I can explain!" Mastermind frantically babbled in several languages. "Do any of you speak Arabic? Greek? Maybe a little Latin?"

"GET HIM!" The crowd roared.

"AAAHHHHHH!" Mastermind ran off with the mob hot on his heels. "I'M GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS PYRO! WAAAUUUGGGHHH!"

"Thanks for the distraction, Masty," Remy grinned stepping into the storehouse and eagerly rubbed his hands. "Now let's get a look at that gold!"

"Mmmm, those burning grasses smell so good!" Pyro smiled skipping through the small town setting fire to various forms of living and dead plant matter. "Let's see what other native incenses they have around here!"

"Help! Somebody stop that crazy…AAAHHHHHH!" Local townspeople screamed and fled in terror as several buildings were unintentionally set alight.

"Look out! The camels are everywhere!" A band of men screamed while fleeing from the herd of panicked ungulates.

"HYRUUUH!"

"Ughhh," A limp, bloody Sabertooth staggered outside the storehouse covered with cuts and gashes. "And I thought dealing with aardvarks was bad. Ohhh…"

"Ah, this must be it," Remy grinned unwrapping a large heavy bundle. "This whole thing must be made of pure…" He trailed off staring at the revealed cargo in shock. "Salt?" He broke off a chunk and ground it between his fingers. "What kind of idiot values salt more than gold? I want to fill my bank account, not my stew pot!" Remy angrily tossed the entire load of salt out the door.

CRASH!

"YAAAHHHHHHH! THAT STINGS!" Sabertooth shrieked as his bleeding body was covered with the discarded salt. "GAAAHHHHHH! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!"

"SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" Mastermind frantically fled from the angry band of traders and merchants. "Help! Help…wait a second. Why am I running? I'm a mutant!" He stopped and turned to face his pursuers. "Alright, you lot. Take this!"

"Catch the thief! Feed him to the jackals…AAAHHHHHH!" The mob of angry traders suddenly stopped in its tracks. "LOOK OUT! IT IS A MONSTER!"

"IT IS A DEMON!" Several merchants shrieked at the illusions.

"WORSE! IT'S MY MOTHER-IN-LAW!" One terrified trader screamed. "WAAAHHH! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"

"Ha ha ha! That's it! Run you cowards!" Mastermind cackled chasing after the panicked mob with his eyes glowing white. "This is what happens when I can't use a real toilet!"

"Aha! Jackpot!" Remy crowed opening a small bag filled with fine gold dust. "Now this is more like it! Come to papa!"

"Ohhh, my nose," Piotr stumbled into the storehouse with his eyes teary from sneezing. "Remy, do you have any antihista…hista…ACHOOOOOO!"

"AAAGGGHHHHHH!" Remy yelled as Piotr's sneeze blew all the gold dust out the door. "MY GOLD! NOOOOOOOOO!"

"Sorry," Piotr wiped his eyes. "Do you have any antihistamines?"

"COME BACK HERE!" Remy chased after the gold dust as it was carried away by the breeze.

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro happily skipped about setting fire to anything that looked remotely aromatic. "I love the smell of burning incense in the morning!"

"HELP! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! MONSTERS! CAMELS! MOTHER-IN-LAW! MY NOSE! MY GOLD! ACHOOOOOO! WAAAGGGHHH! THE PAIN! HYRUUUH!" Screams and shrieks filled the air as pandemonium continued to befall mutant, human and animal alike.

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of town…

"Is that it, mother?" A young boy asked as he and his family slowly walked along the riverbank. He had stiff frail legs, leaned on a thick, sturdy baobob branch, wore a loose bògòlanfini robe and appeared to be around nine years old.

"I believe so, Sundiata," A hunchbacked woman wearing a colorful, wrapped blouse and skirt named Sogolon led her son and two daughters toward the small town. "People say it is the last place traders stop before setting out across the Great Desert."

"Why must we go there?" One of the woman's daughters frowned. "We are royalty!"

"We are exiles, Kolonkan," Sogolon reminded her. "As long as Sundiata's half-brother rules over our people, no one will harbor us in fear of incurring the Mandinka king's wrath."

"Do you really believe we can find someone willing to take us beyond the Great Desert?" Sundiata asked.

"I believe so," Sogolon replied. "The jali say there are rich lands on the other side bordering an entire sea of salt. Once there we will finally be able to rest and find a place to live in security and peace…"

"YAAAHHHHHH!"

"Huh?" The family of four stopped and stared at the waves of madness emanating from the town.

"WAAAGGGHHH! SAVE US!" A mob of local merchants and townspeople fled from the town in terror.

"HYRUUUHHH!" An unstoppable herd of camels ran about in panic.

"ACHOOOOOO!" A large armored figure sneezed causing him to fly back and destroy an entire block of adobe huts. "Sorry!"

"COME BACK HERE WITH THAT GOLD!" A lean, strangely-dressed figure ran about while seemingly attempting to catch the wind. "HA! GOT IT…NO! NOT ANOTHER HANDFUL OF SAND! AAAUUGGGHHH!"

"SOMEBODY GET THIS STINKING SALT OFF ME! AAAIIIEEEEEE!" A hairy, feral-looking man stumbled around covered in a grainy white mineral. "GAAAHHHHH! MAYBE I CAN LICK IT OFF!"

"He, he, he!" A short, ugly man cackled while trailing after the mob of terrified merchants.

"AAAHHHHHH! NOT MY OTHER MOTHER-IN-LAWS!" One frantic trader screamed in horror. "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THE DOWNSIDES OF PRACTICING POLYGAMY?"

"HAHAHAHAHA! YEAH! YEAH!" A young, red-headed figure skipped about accompanied by a series of living flames.

"On second thought, maybe we should seek refuge somewhere else," Sogolon did an about-face and began to quickly lead her children away from the town.

"Good idea," Sundiata speedily limped next to her. "We could always try visiting the king of Mema. The city is only a few days away."

"WAAAUUUGGGHHH!" Smoke and fire filled the air along with ash, sand, screams and gold dust.

"ACHOOOOOO!"

CRASH! SMASH! BOOM!

"HELP! SAVE ME! MOMMY!" Merchants and townspeople fled to escape the burning buildings and flora.

"GAAAHHHHHH! KILLER CAMELS ON THE LOOSE!" The large hairy man screamed while running from a group of salt-hungry camels. "YEEEOOOWWW! THAT HURTS!"

"Why take that long?" Sogolon gulped picking up the pace. "If we hurry, we could be outside Mema's gates by tonight!"

"AAAUUUGGGHHH! FIRE! DEMONS! MOTHER-IN-LAWS! ACHOOOOOO! HYRUUUH!" More sounds of chaos and destruction radiated from the town.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT GAMBIT!" The short, ugly man was heard shouting above the din. "YOU AND YOUR DUMB BOOT!"

"IT IS NOT! YOU AND SABES HELPED CAUSE IT WITH HIS DUMB BOOT TOO!" The lean, strangely-dressed man yelled.

"I'LL DUMB BOOT TOO YOU!" The hairy, feral-looking man roared. "RIGHT AFTER I GET RID OF ALL THIS SALT! GAAAHHHHHH!"

"Tumb-boo-too?" Sundiata rolled the misheard words around in his mouth. "Why do they keep saying that?"

"It must be the name of the town or something," Sogolon shrugged. "Tum boo too."

"Sounds more like Tumbutu to me," Kolonkan said. "Hmmm, that is kind of catchy."

"Let us hope it is the only catchy thing about here," Sundiata commented as he led his family away from the insanity. "And that whatever madness is possessing this place is not long to last!"

Historical notes: Tumbutu (also known as Timbuktu) is a Malian town which originated as a seasonal outpost before becoming a permanent settlement in the early 12th century A.D. It eventually grew into a major center of learning, commerce and culture on the Trans-Saharan trade route between North and West Africa from the 13th to 16th centuries A.D. While various theories have been proposed over the years, the exact origin of the name Timbuktu has never "officially" been determined.

Sundiata Keita was a Mandinkan prince who was crippled during much of his childhood and forced to live in exile for many years. He eventually returned to reclaim his throne only to find the Mandinkans had been conquered by Soumaoro Kante, the tyrant king of Sosso. Sundiata later went on to liberate his people, defeat Soumaroro and become the founder and first mansa (emperor) of the Mali Empire, one of the largest empires in West African history.