A/N: Guys and gals, I'm sorry. I underestimated just how busy I would be this week. Christmas week when you work retail full time is nightmarish. I've been going to sleep almost the second I get home from work this week. Hopefully, things will calm down some after the Christmas season.
In this chapter, Kayla goes home and breaks the news to Samantha about Jess and Mary. It's tough telling a little kid about death, and it causes Kayla to finally start to snap out of her shock. Sam, on the other hand, is still in shock, so while he understands that Jess and Mary are dead, his reactions in this chapter might seem a little cold. But one thing I've learned is that the big, emotional crying scenes that you see in movies when someone close to you dies aren't the typical reactions. Some people do react that way, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But shock usually comes first, and this can make your reactions seem cold and distant. People also don't go through the stages of grief in a straight line. Some get angry first, then go into shock, then get angry again, then cry nonstop, and so on. It all depends on the person.
Anyways, sorry to update with such a depressing chapter immediately before Christmas. It's just the way the cookie crumbles. I've mapped out the last bits of the story, and my outline comes to 100 chapters even. I swear it wasn't planned that way, and depending on how the story flows, I made add one or two chapters or take some away. But we are getting into the tail end of the story here. I want to thank everyone for hanging in there and I hope to see you all again soon!
Happy Holidays!
The car came to a stop back at the hospital. No one had talked since leaving the funeral home. Sam agreed to have Jess and Mary cremated. He'd wanted to have them cremated that very day and the ashes spread that night, but Dean stopped it there. He agreed to pick up the ashes the next day, and the family agreed on an impromptu late afternoon service to spread the ashes. When Dean parked the car, Sam in the passenger seat with Todd and Kayla in the back. When no one said anything, Dean fought a sigh and looked back to Kayla.
"You guys go on home."
Kayla nodded and cautiously looked at Sam. "Bye, Dad. I'll see you in the morning."
Sam said nothing.
"I love you."
Again, Sam said nothing, and Dean waved Kayla and Todd out of the car. He drove Sam home, wondering how to approach this. He knew Sam was hurting, probably more than Dean could ever understand. But Kayla was too, and Sam's attitude was convincing Kayla she wasn't doing enough to help her family. That wasn't okay. Dean followed Sam inside and shut the door. Sam was heading up the stairs, presumably to sleep.
"Sam, sit down."
"Leave me alone, Dean."
"No. Please don't make me drag you, Sam. Sit down on the couch and listen to me."
Dean expected Sam to fight, but he didn't. He walked down off the stairs and took his seat on the couch. Dean sighed. He hated being stern with Sam at such a bad time, but, he decided, it was better to do this now when Sam was in shock instead of waiting until he came out of it.
"Listen. I know you're hurting right now…"
"You don't know a damn bit of what I'm going through right now." Sam said bitterly.
"That's true. I don't. But you're still gonna listen to me. I get you're hurt and you're pissed. I don't blame you. And if it helps, you can yell at me, you can yell at Todd, you can destroy everything in this house and Bobby's, hell, you can lay me out on the floor if you want. I'll get back up and let you do it again if that helps. But the one thing you will not do is snap at Kayla."
Sam softened a bit, and Dean hoped he spotted a tiny sliver of regret before Sam's expression turned stony again.
"She's been with you every minute for the last three days. She hasn't left you once, except to go to the funeral home and make sure Mary and Jess were okay. She's running herself ragged, and you will show appreciation for it."
"Well excuse me if I can't exactly appreciate anything in life right now."
"You will be nice to Kayla."
"Why should I?"
"Because I will knock you out if you keep it up." Dean said. "Got it?"
"Dean, I just lost my wife and my kid. Do you honestly think you can threaten me with anything that'll scare me right now?"
"Then think about that wife and kid when you want to snap at Kayla. How do you think Jess would feel about you treated Kayla today? How would Mary feel about it?"
Sam's eyes flashed hurt, then recognition, then finally regret.
Dean sighed. "Sam, I'm sorry. Maybe I should've waited to do this. But you know how Kayla is. She takes everything you say and do to heart. Just like somebody else I used to know."
Sam nodded. "It's okay. You're right. I just…damn it, Dean, I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do now."
"That's what I'm here for. I'll help you figure it out."
"I…I need you, Dean. I know Kayla means well, but..."
"But she'll have to take care of the kids too?" Dean guessed.
"Yeah." Sam admitted. "Does that make me an awful person? That I can't be around them right now?"
"No. It really doesn't, Sam." Dean assured him. "As for needing me, I'm right here. Long as you need me. Okay?"
"Okay." Sam said. "Will you call Kayla? Ask her to come back?"
"Yeah. It might be a minute though. She said the kids were on their way back. She'll probably have to stay with them for a while."
"Back? Where were they?"
Todd pulled the car up to the house, and almost simultaneously his father's car pulled up behind them. Todd watched his mother get out and pull Samantha out of her carseat, followed by his father who started to pull out Jesse.
"You okay?"
"Okay as I can be." Kayla answered.
"You know your dad's hurting. He didn't mean what he said." Todd told her.
"I know. I do. I've just…the last time I saw him that angry was when I went to that party."
"The party you told me about a long time ago? When you were thirteen?"
Kayla nodded.
"Is that what you meant when you were talking to your mom?" Todd asked. He noticed that his mother and father were carrying both sleeping kids, and rolled down the window to quickly ask his parents to take both kids inside.
"Yeah." Kayla said.
"Kay, you were a kid. You were a hurting, scared kid. You did something stupid, and you learned from it. Your dad doesn't hold it against you, does he?"
"No."
"Then why does it still bother you?" Todd asked.
"I don't know." Kayla answered. When she saw Todd's eyebrows raise, she continued, "I really don't know."
"Okay. Just try to let it go."
"Easier said than done. But I get what you're saying."
"Are you sure you're up to this?" Todd asked.
"Yes. That I know for sure. I want to see my babies."
Before Kayla headed inside, Todd's cell phone rang. "It's Dean."
"Put him on speaker."
Todd answered and pressed the speaker button. "Hey, Dean. I've got you on speaker, Kayla's here with me."
"Hey, guys. You get home okay?"
"Yeah. The kids just got home. Is everything okay?"
"We're fine. For now, anyway. Kay, your dad wants to see you."
"Really?" Kayla asked, and couldn't hide her excitement.
"Yeah. He does. You guys go on and see the kids. Kayla can come over after they're in bed."
"You sure? I could come now…"
"You haven't seen them in three days. Go take care of them and just come when they're asleep." Dean insisted.
"Okay. Is he really okay?" Kayla asked.
Dean hesitated then said, "He's as okay as I think he can be right now."
Kayla thanked Dean and she and Todd walked inside. Expecting the kids to still be asleep, Kayla was pleasantly surprised when she was bombarded just as she walked into the door. She felt the skinny little arms snake their way onto her leg before she ever saw which kid they belonged to.
"Mommy!"
"Oh, goodness, who's this?" Kayla asked. She hadn't realized how badly she'd missed her babies until she saw them. "Is it…" Kayla dramatically picked up the owner of the skinny arms around her leg. "Jesse?"
Samantha giggled so hard she shook her mother too. "No, mommy."
"Is it…daddy?"
"Mommy, it's me. Sammie!"
"Oh my gosh! Hi, Sammie! I missed you so much!"
Jesse, who was slightly slower than his older sister, toddled up to his father and lifted his arm to be carried. A few minutes of hugging and playing with the two kids later, and Samantha finally asked the question Kayla had been dreading.
"Mommy, where Nana?"
Every adult in the room immediately stopped and looked at Kayla. When Kayla didn't answer, Samantha tried again.
"Where Nana? Is she hurt?"
Kayla looked to Steve and Tara, who were still there. "Would you guys mind giving Jesse a bath and putting his PJs on while Todd and I talk to Samantha?"
Tara nodded. "Sure. Let's go, baby."
A tired Jesse didn't protest as he normally would've, just yawned as he was lifted out of his father's lap. Samantha waited patiently, and when the bathroom door shut, Kayla grabbed Todd's hand for support.
"Nana oaky?" Samantha asked, using the mispronunciation of 'okay' that she'd always used.
"No, honey. Nana's not okay."
"Where she?" Samantha asked. "Can I see her?"
"I'm sorry, honey. No. Nana wasn't just hurt. She went to heaven."
A nervous Samantha looked to her father, then back to her mother. "What's that mean?"
Kayla swallowed. "It means that Nana was hurt really badly. The doctors couldn't help her. She's not coming back, honey."
"But I wants my Nana." Samantha said simply.
"I know. I want her too." Kayla said. "But it's not just Nana, baby. Mamie was hurt like that too."
"I won't see her no more, either?"
"No, babe. I'm sorry."
Kayla had let loose a few tears over the course of the last few days. They were unavoidable. But, until then, she'd refused to let herself feel the enormity of her loss. Explaining it to Samantha was finally making her grief bubble to the surface.
"Mommy? Don't cry."
"I'm sorry, baby."
"You sad 'cause of Nana and Mamie?"
Kayla nodded. "Yes. I miss them a lot."
"I miss them wif you." Samantha said, reaching up and wiping one of the tears away that Kayla had started crying.
Kayla broke. She started sobbing, hard, and leaned into Todd for the support she'd been focusing on giving her father for the previous three days. Tara heard the crying and tried to grab Samantha to give Kayla and Todd a little privacy, but Samantha refused to go.
"No. Mommy need me."
Feeling mildly guilty for crying in front of Samantha, Kayla tried to collect herself, but the harder she tried the worse it failed. Jesse was put to bed, and Samantha fell asleep sitting in her mommy's lap after Tara's suggestion of turning the lights off and watching a movie. Having already been fed her dinner, Samantha was lightly snoring less than half an hour later. Kayla put Samantha to bed, then came back out to the living room.
"I guess I'm going to my dad's now."
"How's he doing?" Steve asked, speaking for the first time since greeting Kayla when they'd arrived.
"He's…I don't really know."
"That makes sense."
"Kay? Do you know yet about funeral arrangements for your mom and Mary?" Tara asked.
"Um, yeah. They're being cremated and we're spreading the ashes tomorrow afternoon."
"Mom, can you guys keep the kids again…" Todd started to ask.
"No. They're both going." Kayla said. "They need to say goodbye too."
"Babe, are you sure? They're awfully young…"
"I don't care. They're going." Kayla said firmly. "I'd like you guys to be there too."
"Of course we will." Steve said. "Do you want us to stay here tonight?"
"No. You guys have done enough. Thank you so much for keeping the kids so I could get my head on straight. Straight enough, anyway."
Tara placed a comforting head on Kayla's shoulder. "Don't ever thank us. That's what family's for. I mean that. You call us if you need us."
Kayla nodded. "Thanks."
"I want to tell you something. I want you to really listen to me here. Got it?"
"What?"
"I know you're hurting. So please don't take this the wrong way. No one can replace your mother. But we love you nearly as much as we do Todd. So as long as I'm alive, you will never be without a mother again."
A grateful Kayla grabbed Tara in a tight hug, then shared a hug with Steve and gave them both the details for the next day. When they were gone, Todd handed the car keys to Kayla.
"Go see your dad."
"Are you sure…?"
"Go. I've got the kids. If they wake up, I'll tell them you went to check on Papa. Go on. And if you need to stay the night, that's fine too. Just text me so I know to lock the door before I go to bed."
"You're the best. You know that?"
"And don't you forget it." Todd said, making a tired Kayla chuckle much more than she normally would have at the stupid joke. "Go on."
When Kayla arrived at her parents' house, she almost turned around. She realized that she'd be confronted with pictures of her mother and sister, as well as their belongings, and she didn't want to go in. But seeing the Impala reminded her that Sam needed her, so she gathered her courage and walked inside. Dean was in the kitchen, making what smelled like chili, and Sam was sitting on the couch clutching something in his arms.
"Hi, Dad."
"Hey." Sam said, startled. He'd been so caught up in whatever he was doing that he hadn't heard Kayla come in.
"What are you holding?"
Sam turned it around and Kayla was amazed. "Snuffle? You found him?"
Sam nodded. "Found him in your sister's room under the bed about a week ago. I put him on the bed to try and surprise her when…"
"When she got home?" Kayla asked.
"Yeah. For when she got home." Sam said sadly.
Kayla noticed for the first time how much older her father looked compared to just a few days before. He'd always looked slightly weary, but he seemed defeated now. Kayla wished she could do something, anything meaningful to take his misery away from him.
"I'm sorry about today."
"What?" Kayla asked. "Don't be. You've got nothing to be sorry for."
"Yes, I do. Your mother and your sister would've hated me for treating you like that, no matter what was going on. I'm sorry, Bug."
"It's okay, Dad. I'm sorry they're gone."
"I, um, I might need you. A lot. For a while."
Kayla nodded. "That's what I'm here for."
"I can't promise I won't act like that again." Sam said. "I just…"
"Dad. Stop. I get it."
"How did you do it?" Sam asked.
"How did I do what?"
"How did you move on? After Leslie died?" Sam asked. "I just have no idea how to do this."
Kayla swallowed against the lump in her throat. "Well, I just called you and Mom or Todd when I needed you."
"But didn't you think about him all the time?"
"I still do." Kayla answered honestly. "He would've been in kindergarten this year. Starting first grade in September. I think about all that stuff."
"Doesn't it hurt?"
Dad, please, please stop asking. The pain Kayla felt about Leslie had eased a bit, but still throbbed occasionally. But Sam was completely lost. "Yes. It does. But that's what I'm here for."
Sam nodded, as if he was thinking over what she'd said.
"Dad, do you want me to stay tonight?"
"Yes." Sam said without hesitation. "I know the kids just got back…"
"Stop. I'm right here. Okay?"
"Thank you."
"Dinner's up." Dean called from the kitchen.
"I'm not hungry." Sam said quietly.
"I'll tell you something else Mom wouldn't like." Kayla said, switching from her normal voice to what Sam called her mom voice. "And that's you not taking care of yourself."
"I can't."
"We'll share a bowl. Together. I'm not hungry either, but you haven't eaten a thing since you woke up, and nothing for days. Come on. I'll do it with you."
Sam relented, and followed Kayla to the table. Dinner was in silence, and Kayla realized that things would never be normal again. Trying not to despair over that, she kept her father company and wondered how long it would be until they ever felt whole again.
Or if any of them ever would.