CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

TRIS

On Monday, I didn't see much of Tobias. We were both especially aware that we needed to hide our relationship at school. When he texted that night to let me know he couldn't make it for tutoring, I understood. He had both basketball and football practice that night, and I was tired as well; after cheer practice, Marlene and I spent a couple of hours visiting with Uriah at the hospital.

By Tuesday, I was really beginning to miss him. It had been days since we had spent any time alone. At the post-game party I was sure we would find someplace to hide away for a while. I tried to watch for an opportunity, but never found one. Tobias, on the other hand, seemed perfectly content to mill around and talk to anyone but me. He was never alone for a moment. Then when I finally managed to sit next to him at the jenga table, he left before we were done playing.

I awakened Wednesday morning feeling hungover and unrested. I had tossed and turned for most of the night analyzing Tobias's recent behavior. I had also overslept, so there was no hope of meeting up with Tobias before class. I carried the disappointment with me to my first class, along with an uneasy feeling that I desperately tried to push back. Ever since Tobias and I had sex last week, I had barely seen him, and unwelcome doubts were creeping into the back of my mind. I shoved them back as hard as I could. This is Tobias, I told myself. He loves me.

As the day went on, everything was normal: Tobias and I joked with each other during math class, tried to lay low with our friends so close by during English, and were partners for a worksheet in Spanish class. I just kept looking forward to tonight.

Wednesdays always bring out conflicting emotions in me. Each week, I worry what will happen to Tobias when he meets his father for dinner, but he comes over to my house afterward without fail. That's the part my mind and heart are eagerly anticipating. Finally, finally I will get to spend some time alone with him. But I know he won't show up until after nine o'clock, and those doubts from earlier still niggle at the edges of my awareness, so I easily agree to go shopping with the girls after cheer practice.

Marlene and I take my truck while Shauna rides with Christina; as usual, Lynn declined the invitation. We all meet for a quick dinner in the mall food court. Marlene glances at the maternity shop as we follow Christina into Victoria's Secret.

As we browse the racks of lingerie sets, I glance around to see that Shauna and Christina are across the store from us. "Getting something nice to show off to Uriah?" I ask quietly, wiggling my eyebrows.

Marlene shrugs and wistfully murmurs, "A girl can dream."

"Never hurts to be prepared," I wink at her. Then, turning more serious, I add, "Everything will work out, Mar."

She answers with a small smile. "I hope so."

"Ooh," Christina squeals as she and Shauna approach. "Getting something sexy to show off to Four and Uriah?" She wiggles her eyebrows.

I stiffen. "Wh-what?" I stutter.

"I know you said you and Uriah weren't getting back together, but come on, Tris," Christina rolls her eyes at me. "And Marlene and Four seem to be getting pretty close lately." She laughs and Shauna smirks.

Marlene and I burst out in protest, talking over one another.

"Sure," Christina says sarcastically.

"Christina," I say, trying my best to be patient, "Uriah and I are over. Four and Marlene are not together. Did you ever think maybe we just like pretty underwear?"

"Whatever you say, Tris," Christina sing-songs. She's looking smug and I am so sick of this shit. I ball my hands into fists and shove the lingerie back onto the hanging rack.

Seeing my glare, Shauna puts a hand on Christina's arm. "Chris," she murmurs quietly, "stop. Whatever is going on, you won't get it out of her right now. You'll only piss her off." Christina huffs but goes back to browsing the rack.

I look up and see Marlene. No one else seems to have noticed, but I do. Her fingers play at the hem of her shirt, and her eyes are downcast. I know this week has been hard on her, even harder than the two months before it, and Christina is not helping. As usual. Sometimes I hate that she has absolutely no filter. She just doesn't know when to shut up.

"You know, I think you're right, Christina. No point in Marlene and me getting anything fancy when there's no one for us to show it off to," I say flatly. "Mar, you wanna go with me to Macy's?"

"Yeah, let's go. You coming or staying here, Shauna?" she asks.

"Um... I'll stay here with Christina, we'll meet you guys in a few." Shauna says, looking uncomfortable.

I grin. "Are you saying you have someone special to show off to?" I tease, bumping her with my hip. "Hmmm maybe... Zeke?"

Shauna silently blushes, and I laugh. You better believe I'll be getting some details out of her later.

I quickly find a couple of shirts to give Caleb for Christmas - less formal and stuffy than the preppy stuff he usually wears, but not too far out of his comfort zone. I don't know what his obsession is with collars and button-up shirts and khakis, not to mention the color blue, but I hope I can get him to branch out a bit.

The other girls haven't found us yet, so Marlene and I stroll down the aisles. "Tris?" she says, spotting a section of the store in the far corner, "Would you, um..." She blushes. I nod at her in encouragement. Marlene takes a deep breath. "I want to look at the baby stuff."

"I'd love to look at baby stuff with you," I smile.

Marlene glances around. "What if the girls catch us?"

I shrug. "They will probably be a while longer, knowing Christina," I assure her. I bet Will has never seen the same underwear on her twice. "But if not, I'm sure we can come up with a good lie. You can say you're shopping for, I don't know, your cousin or something," I shrug.

She bites her lip and nods. "I'll have to tell them sometime," she sighs. "I just don't know if I am brave enough."

"You are," I assure her.

For about ten minutes we coo at the adorable little onesies and footy pajamas, hats and blankets. I hold up a pair of teeny tiny Nike sneakers. "Oh my god, look at these, Mar," I gush. She squeals at their sheer adorableness. I grin. "You know he would love these." We both know I am talking about Uriah.

"I hope it's a boy," she tells me. "I think he would like a boy. Someone to teach how to play football and basketball."

"I could see him with a girl too, though," I assure her. "He'd spoil her rotten. And teach her to be a kick-ass basketball player… maybe not football, though."

"You think?"

"Absolutely. He'd be wrapped around her little finger."

Marlene smiles gratefully and looks down at the shoes. "I wish these weren't so expensive," she says wistfully.

I bite my lip and take them from her hand. They are black, with a white swoosh on the side. I imagine Uriah smiling down at a bundle in his arms, tiny feet poking out the end, little black basketball shoes on the baby's feet. I can't help but smile at the image, and I make a decision as I carefully pack them in the little shoebox.

"Come on," I grin. "My treat."

Marlene swings the Macy's bag as we walk into Forever 21. We were growing bored waiting for the girls when Shauna texted, telling us where to meet them. As soon as she spots us, Christina crosses the room at a fast clip. "Whad'ya get?" she asks, looking to me while she snatches the bag out of Marlene's hands.

"Uh, I just got some clothes for Caleb," I say. My heart has picked up speed and Marlene is visibly nervous as Christina pulls the box from the bottom of the bag.

Seeing the Nike symbol and the small size of the box, Christina's face twists in confusion. Shauna sidles up to us. "What's that?" Shauna asks, sounding as confused as Christina looks.

"Shoes," Marlene squeaks. She inches closer to me and I squeeze her arm.

Christina takes the little shoes out of the box.

"Awww," Shauna coos, "those are adorable! But… why…"

"Why are you buying baby shoes?" Christina demands.

I hear Marlene's deep breath and I feel her anxiety, but I am still not expecting it when she answers, her voice calm, even, and strong. "Because I'm pregnant."

It takes me a moment to rip my eyes away from Marlene's face. All that anxiety is gone; her expression is almost impassive. But her eyes shine with relief. Finally, finally, she doesn't have to carry this entire secret. Part of it, but not all.

Christina and Shauna stare at Marlene with wide eyes and parted lips. "Oh, Marlene," Shauna exhales before drawing Mar into a hug.

This breaks Christina from her stupor, and as always, her reaction is loud. "What?!" she screeches before starting her barrage of questions. "How far along are you? When did you find out? Who's the father?" And then, turning a glare on me, "Tris, did you know about this?!"

This is going to be a long night.

It's almost 8 PM when we leave the mall, and Marlene is so exhausted that she falls asleep in the car. She only answered the questions she was comfortable with, but I think Christina's whining and badgering for the answers Marlene wouldn't share was a lot for Marlene to take. With no one to talk to, I listen for the chime from my phone to let me know I have a text, but am disappointed when it has not come by the time I walk in the side door. Marlene mutters a sleepy goodnight and disappears to her room downstairs.

My phone rings, and I feel muscles throughout my body relax, letting go of tension and anxiety that I didn't realize I had been carrying. My lips curl into a smile as I pull the phone from my jeans pocket, but my smile falls when I see the name on the screen. It isn't Tobias. It's only Caleb. I have no idea what my brother could want, and normally I would not be disappointed to see that he is contacting me, but Caleb isn't the person I wanted to talk to tonight. With a sigh, I swipe to answer the call and put the phone to my ear.

"Hey, big brother," I greet him, feigning cheerfulness.

"Hi Beatrice." He is always so formal. I wish he would just loosen up a bit. "How are you?"

"Fine," I lie. "It's playoff week, we have one more game. And Uriah is home from the hospital, I need to make sure to go see him."

"Oh, that's good. Make sure you keep up with your studies though, Beatrice. Cheerleading and friends are fun, but good grades are crucial to your future."

I roll my eyes. I shouldn't be surprised that my grades are the only thing Caleb is interested in. "I know," I placate him. "I've got it under control, Caleb." There is an awkward pause, and the manners my parents reinforced throughout my entire childhood take over. "What about you, how have you been?" I ask.

I know I will not be interested in any of the things Caleb talks about, and I am right. It's all boring sciency stuff about his coursework and the various clubs he is in. After a five-minute recap of his Fantasy Problem Solvers club, I find an opening and jump back into the conversation.

"That's great," I interrupt. I don't really know what I'm saying is so great, but I want to stop him before he gets into the topics of his Anime or Dungeons & Dragons clubs. "But I do still have homework to do tonight and you never call without a reason."

"Right," he says, coming to his senses and getting back on track. "Have you heard anything from Dad about Christmas?"

I scoff. "Have you?"

"No, not yet."

"Well then, you should know that I haven't either. You know he almost never calls me, Caleb."

The line is silent for a moment, and I begin to lazily search the cupboards for a snack. "If he invites you to New York, will you go?"

I shrug even though he can't see me. "I don't know. You?"

"Maybe," he says. "I think...yeah, probably."

"Did you and Susan break up or something?" I inquire.

"No, no. Everything is still going well with myself and Susan," he assures me. "But it's Christmas, Beatrice. We should be with family."

Maybe he's right. Maybe I should give in and go to New York. If Dad even asks me, that is.

Opening another cupboard, my eyes settle on the bottle of prenatal vitamins that sits on the second shelf. Yes, I should be with family, but I need to remember the people who are there to support me, and who need my support. Marlene. Tobias. Uriah, Zeke and Hana. My other friends.

My real family.

But I still want to see my dad.

"You don't think we can convince him to come home?" I ask, biting my lip when I hear my voice tremble.

Caleb doesn't answer.

After almost a full minute of silence, Caleb finally speaks. "Well, think about it. And let me know if you hear anything from Dad. I called him yesterday but he hasn't called me back yet."

"Good luck with that," I snort. "Let me know what he says when you hear from him, okay? Love you."

"Yeah, you too." And with that he hangs up.

I pocket my phone, grab a bag of chips from the cupboard and a bottle of water from the fridge, and head upstairs to get my schoolwork done.

I start on my math homework, which doesn't make much sense to me. I have more or less caught up in trigonometry, but I seem to be hitting some sort of mental block with the current chapter. As much as this is not how I want to spend my time with Tobias when he arrives, I'll have to ask for his help tonight.

Even if I did understand how to do the math problems, my mind is elsewhere and my eyes keep drifting to my phone. I miss Tobias even more than I did this morning. It makes my chest feel tight. A few times, thoughts have even crept in about past heartbreak, and in those moments I almost regret what Tobias and I did on Thanksgiving night. I wanted it, there is no question about that, and I did not regret it one bit the morning after. But past experience has left me with some fear about what that kind of change can do to a relationship. I thought it would bring us closer, make us stronger. But I thought that about Peter, too.

Tobias is nothing like Peter. He loves me. He wasn't just saying it, he meant it. I saw it in his eyes. So I shake off the negative thoughts and try again to work the third problem on tonight's math homework. I complete it but it doesn't match the answer in the back of the book, so I erase my previous attempt and try again.

I am halfway through the mind-boggling equation when my phone finally chimes. Not caring if I lose my train of thought, I immediately grab for my phone and open the text message.

4: Hey baby, Mom wants me home again. Sorry I can't make it tonight.

I stare at the screen. The longer I stare, the more my stomach twists. A voice in the back of my head mocks me. This is Peter all over again. You should have known better. My eyes burn hot with tears and desperate to push them back, I bite my cheek so hard that the metallic taste of blood reaches my tongue.

I take a deep breath. I need to calm down and answer him. I tell myself again that Tobias is not like Peter. But as I compose my reply, I still feel the walls going up, my psyche frantically trying to protect my heart.

T: It's fine. See you tomorrow.

The words are a lie. It's not fine. Not at all.

He doesn't reply right away and I wonder if he has started driving home from the restaurant. Or maybe he waited till he got home to even text me. Maybe I was nothing more than an afterthought. I feel too unsure now to even hazard a guess. I close my math book; Tobias won't be here to help me and I am too distracted now to attempt it on my own. As I slide my notebook and textbook into my backpack, Four replies.

4: Can't wait.

Yeah, can't wait to ignore me again, that nasty little voice sneers. I bite my lip, considering whether to respond or leave it be. It's ridiculous how hard it is to come up with the two words I send back. I feel so distant from him, it doesn't even feel right to call him by his real name.

T: Night Four.

I stand, leaving the phone on my desk. I don't even want to look at it right now. It won't tell me anything good. After dragging myself through the same steps I take every night before bed, brushing my teeth and washing my face on autopilot, I curl up on my bed and pull up the covers. Soon I have to grab the throw blanket that rests at the foot of my bed and spread it over me as well, longing to feel warm and cozy, but all I feel is cold and empty.

If Mom was here, she would sit at the side of my bed and brush her fingers over my hair, humming a lullaby until I fell asleep. If I were still a child, if he hadn't left me, my dad would pull a chair up to my bedside and read me a story. Caleb would cheer me up with terrible puns and boring recountings of whatever book he had been reading.

But my mother is dead, and my father and brother have left me behind and moved on with their own lives.

I don't even have Uriah any more. A week ago, I would have called Tobias, even if just to hear his voice, but I am no longer sure where we stand.

I bury my face in the pillow to muffle my sobs and soak up my tears, and I fall asleep feeling more alone than I have in a long time.