Chapter Seventy Six: Unlocking Knowledge
"I guess you thought you could hide away from me here for a bit, huh?"
Kayashima pushed open the door of the small healing chamber, and Kohaku glanced up from his book, sliding his thumb in between the pages to mark his place with a rueful smile as he registered the expression on his friend's face.
The decision had been made the night before to transfer the now healing Kohaku from the hospital in Fourth District to the heartland of Inner Seireitei. As a result he was now ensconsced in the healing and recovery area of the Fourth Division barracks, a peaceful stretch of rooms given over to shinigami with non-life threatening injuries as they recuperated from their wounds. It was some distance from the area where the Eleventh Division Captain was being carefully monitored, and there were currently no other patients in this particular wing, meaning that, in spite of his return to the shinigami community, Kohaku had still felt somewhat out on his own. On his arrival, he had been checked over by the Fourth Division Vice Captain, as Retsu had been preoccupied with another matter, and he had regretted this, knowing that he needed to still thank the Fourth Captain for her direct intervention in the battle. Even Eriko had had little time to chat with him, though, with wounded Eleventh officers still in her care and, aside from Shikiki, bringing some books from the Fourth's library to keep him entertained, and a recruit, bringing him breakfast, he had seen nobody else.
Though he had wanted to ask about Juushirou's health, something had held him back. Although he wanted his Captain fit and well, at the same time, he did not want to think that anything other than ill health might have stopped Juushirou from coming to see him. Thirteenth was his family and his home but, despite Shunsui's words, he could not help but feel insecure and unsettled about the situation overall.
He had not anticipated that the first visitor he would have from his own Division would be his roommate, but, at the sight of Kayashima's wry grin, he felt some of the weight lift from his heart. He raised the book, beckoning the other shinigami inside with it, and Kayashima stepped into the room proper, pushing the door shut behind him and striding purposefully across the short distance to the bed. Kohaku was dressed in simple robes which mostly concealed the bandages that still lay underneath, but as he sat down, the patient was aware of his friend glancing him over, taking in the damage for himself as best as he was able.
"I guess that depends if you're going to hit me or not," he said at length, meeting Kayashima's penetrating gaze with a resigned one of his own. "I heard you bruised up Yatsubashi-kun, so, since I also broke rules, I've been waiting for my share."
"You idiot, I'm not going to hit you," Kayashima snorted. "I might have wanted to when I realised what you'd done, but I've calmed down now. Besides, who ratted on me about Yatsubashi? I thought you hadn't been allowed visitors until today."
"Kyouraku-taichou," Kohaku replied sweetly, and Kayashima grimaced.
"I see. I guess word travels...I suppose if it was a Captain, I probably won't be taking it up with him to complain - though goodness knows how he knew."
"From Taichou, probably?" Kohaku asked, and Kayashima shrugged.
"Damned if he knows anything about it," he reflected, rubbing his chin pensively. "Yatsubashi didn't report on me, and it's not like I got a scolding for it. Oh well. Maybe the recruits gossiped about it and it spread that way. I guess sometimes Captains also know things by scary osmosis - and in case you're wondering, Yatsubashi's in one piece. Just bruises, is all. He took it quite meekly, really," he considered. "Which is why I stopped at one."
His expression became serious.
"He's worried about you. They both are, but him in particular, I think," he said gravely. "He's been beating himself up far more than I have about the whole incident, because he didn't pass out, apparently, and saw the whole thing. He's smart enough to realise that, whatever it was he said to you, you still were protecting their lives. I was pretty mad at him, I admit it - but talking it out with him, it doesn't sound like you made your intentions very clear. For that reason..."
He faltered, and Kohaku's eyes narrowed.
"You want me to speak to him?" he asked softly. Kayashima nodded.
"You kind of have to, one way or another," he agreed. "Naniwa too, though he seems to be mostly guilty of being a good and loyal friend, since he apparently followed Yatsubashi into danger and refused to abandon him when the guy got stupid about following you. I can't really blame him for that, especially since he seems to have taken the worst of the reiatsu fallout. Yatsubashi made it clear it was him, not Naniwa, who got it into his head you were betraying the Captain. In any case, though, they're our recruits, still. Thirteenth's, I mean. And so we both have to deal with them going forward, since Taichou apparently doesn't intend on kicking either of them out."
"I would be upset if he did," Kohaku admitted, and Kayashima eyed his friend in surprise.
"If you're going to try and assume all the blame for it, then I'm going to send them back home," he warned, and Kohaku's eyes widened.
"They're here? Now?"
"They got permission to come with me, on the condition they waited outside until I'd spoken to you and ascertained if you were willing to see them," Kayashima nodded. "Can't you sense them? I would've thought that you could."
"I'm not really firing on all cylinders yet," Kohaku admitted. "And I'm not meant to be using any spirit power at all until I get a clean bill of health on my back and my arm. Shikiki-san finally managed to clear the worst of the damage, but it still has to heal normally, as she couldn't remove the injury completely. And, I pretty much blew out everything I had in the encounter with the Soldier - so I'm under orders to eat well, rest and do as little as possible for now."
"I suppose that makes sense," Kayashima sighed. "All right. I guess you probably don't realise how worried we all were about you either, then."
"No...I do," Kohaku's expression became shadowed. "Kyouraku-taichou didn't sugarcoat it, when he came to ask me about what happened. He told me that Taichou had been ill because of me. That really upset me, and since then, I suppose I've thought more about how much of an impact it might have had on other people as well. I'm sorry, Kayashima. I wasn't really thinking...I just..."
"You never do," Kayashima reached out to tap his friend lightly on the head. "Five years and you still haven't learned that lesson. People care about you, you moron. Maybe use your brain a bit more and think about it, before you get into trouble."
"Mm," Kohaku looked troubled. "I guess so. This time I could have got two recruits killed. I made my Captain ill, I almost got Katsu-nii in much worse trouble, because he came to help me, and I worried people back home. It's not great, is it?"
"No, but if you realise that, it's half the battle," Kayashima eyed his friend fondly. "At least you're thinking about it, which is a step the right way. You need to get stronger if you're going to make a habit of saving the world, you know. Twelfth Seat with rocky shunpo just won't cut it."
"I suppose not," Despite himself Kohaku offered a faint, wry smile.
"Yatsubashi said you used shunpo, in the field. Did you?"
"I don't really remember that clearly. Maybe," Kohaku shrugged. "I put a lot of trust in Kyouka to help me through, and I'm still a bit blurry on some of the details. I might have done. But I don't know that I could do it now. If I did do it then, it was adrenaline and nothing else. It doesn't mean I can now magically shunpo."
"But if you know you did do it, properly, once, then you must just not be trying hard enough in practice," Kayashima pointed out. "So we'll have to make sure you knuckle down and get it in your head from now on. No more tree-butting! Orders from the Eleventh Seat."
He patted his chest.
"I still outrank you, don't forget."
"Yes," Kohaku grimaced. "I'll probably be demoted after this anyway, since getting two recruits tangled up in danger isn't going to look great as regards my leadership skills."
"Giving them wild hallucinations and expecting them to understand what you mean by it isn't the most sensible plan," Kayashima acknowledged, "but you were at least trying to protect them. They both said so - and they probably are still alive in part because of you. They shouldn't have followed you, anyway. They should've gone to the Captain, if they had a concern. But then, the same applies for you - even if you did want to protect him. You can't take on the world alone, you know. Even if one day, you'll be strong enough to - now, you can't."
"Mm," Kohaku paused, then, "Kayashima, is Taichou all right? I haven't seen him yet, and..."
"He was grounded to Thirteenth by Shikibu-san and Shikiki-san because he overdid it and started a fever, but you seem to know that," Kayashima looked thoughtful. "I don't know much more about that, but I think he's all right. Your safety matters a lot to him, that's all. In any case, I'm sure he'll be able to come see you soon, now you're in Inner Seireitei, so you can apologise to him yourself. I guess you want to do that? I thought so," as Kohaku nodded. "In the meantime, what do you want to do about Yatsubashi and Naniwa? If you don't want to see them yet, I'll take them back - they've been told it's up to you - but..."
"I'll see them," Kohaku shook his head. "It's as you said - they're our recruits, and I can't run away from them."
"All right," Kayashima shot him a grin, getting to his feet. "Then I'll go get them. Start practicing your stern face, because if you let them off easily, they won't learn anything. Even if you do think you did something wrong as well," he warned. "You gave them an order and they disobeyed it. If you can't reinforce your own discipline, then it's not worth very much, and I can't swing my fists for you every time one of your subordinates answers back."
"If I'm even going to be in a position with subordinates once Taichou gets to deal with me," Kohaku groaned. "All right, already. I get it. I don't disagree, as it happens. I do need to stand up for myself more...and I am going to try to do that. Kyouraku-taichou had a long talk with me about it, and I know I need to."
"Well, that's a change of attitude, but I won't say I dislike it," Kayashima eyed his friend keenly. "All right then. With that settled, I'll go summon the brats."
"Okay." Kohaku nodded, swallowing his own uncertainty. As his friend disappeared back into the hallway, he picked up the book he had been reading, sliding the marker in between the pages to keep his place, before putting it on the pile on the bedside shelf with a sigh.
I knew you weren't to be trusted from the start! You're an Aizen after all! You're just like your father and I'll never forgive you, even if everyone else believes your lies! If you thought you could kill us or scare us so easily, you were wrong! The Captain will deal with you, once and for all, when he finds out you're here like this, betraying him and attacking members of the Thirteenth Division!
Shinobu's words echoed unbidden through his thoughts, and his lips thinned.
It wasn't as if I didn't realise he felt like that. Even if, sometimes, I told myself I was stupid. Even if, when we were training, sometimes he faced me head on - deep down, I knew it. Kyouka knew it too, which is why it judged Yatsubashi so harshly and said he was going to be trouble for me going forward. But I didn't want to deal with it. After that patrol, when he raised the subject of my father, I almost lost my temper. My spirit power almost flared up, then, and I didn't want to hurt anyone. So I shied away from confronting it head-on - and it made things worse.
I have to stop avoiding difficult situations because I'm afraid of something. I won't ever make any progress if I'm always running away - either from myself or from other people.
The door slid back open at that moment, revealing two apprehensive recruits, Kayashima looming in their slipstream. With a rough push, he shunted them into the room, telling them to pull themselves together, and Kohaku gathered his own courage, settling his resolve.
"Kohaku-san." Hiroshi was the first to enter the room properly, crossing the floor slowly and pausing to bow his head towards the superior officer. "I'm sorry for the trouble we caused you. Thank you for protecting us. I wish I could have said it then, but the reiryoku was so intense and I couldn't...but I'm glad that, now, I can. I'm sorry we didn't obey your orders to go back to Thirteenth."
"Naniwa-kun," Kohaku gazed at the recruit pensively, but before he could respond, Shinobu had hurried to his friend's side, grabbing Hiroshi by the arm, pulling him back and putting himself between his friend and the injured Twelfth Seat.
"Kohaku-san, please don't blame Hiroshi," he said urgently, though Kohaku could hear both fear and desperation in the other's voice. "None of it was his fault. I was the one who caused the trouble. I was the one who followed you and who refused to go back. He didn't doubt you at all. It was me. All of it was me. He just didn't want me to go into danger on my own. Please, don't be angry at him. If you hate me, then that's fine, I deserve it for what I said, but please...don't...blame Hiroshi."
"Shinobu?" Hiroshi shot his friend a startled look, and Shinobu bowed low before the startled Twelfth Seat.
"I'm really sorry for everything I said and did," he spoke softly, and to his surprise, Kohaku could hear the other's voice tremble, as if he were fighting his emotions to speak. "I really thought I wouldn't get a chance to tell you that, and...and...even if you hate me, or are mad at me, or make me see more hallucinations, I don't care. The thought I might not get to tell you I was sorry...when you saved us...I..."
This was too much for him, and Kohaku registered with consternation that drops of water had begun to fall onto the tatami mat flooring, as Shinobu lost his battle against his tears. Hiroshi sighed, putting an arm around his friend's shoulders as if to reassure him, then turning to Kohaku, his expression serious.
"I know he was stupid. We both were," he said quietly. "But Shinobu...he's been really worried about you, sir. He's not slept properly since we were let out of confinement, and...well...I understand that you'd be upset with what he said. And with both of us, for being there, when you'd told us to go back. But he really does mean it, Kohaku-san. Shinobu knows he was wrong...so please accept his apology. And...and mine, too, for not being strong enough to change his mind."
Kohaku raised his gaze to meet Kayashima's, and the other seated officer shrugged his shoulders. He sighed.
"Raise your head, Yatsubashi-kun," he said softly, and slowly Shinobu did so, the tears still streaming down his cheeks. At this obvious remorse, some of Kohaku's own tension dissipated, and he sighed again, gesturing for the two recruits to come and sit by the bed. They did so hesistantly, and Kayashima leaned up against the wall, folding his arms across his chest to watch. He made no attempt to intervene, and Kohaku knew that, this time, he was being left to handle himself on his own, without his friend's support.
Because I need to learn how to resolve problems and conflicts properly on my own, and I will. As a superior officer should. As the Taichou would want me to.
"You shouldn't have followed me," he continued, glancing from one recruit to the other. "I won't pretend that I wasn't breaking rules at the time, and you had a valid reason to be concerned. But your duty was to go and report my actions to the Captain, if you felt I was doing something I should not have been. As much as I didn't want the Captain involved, that was the correct choice in that situation. You were in danger because you chose to take matters into your own hands."
He gestured to his bandaged upper body.
"This is the cost of not listening to your Captain's orders, and not doing things the right way," he added grimly. "I knew I was taking a risk when I left, and probably that makes what I'm about to say hypocritical, but I'm going to say it anyway. What I did is a matter for the Captain to judge, not recruits, but if you are given orders, you should obey them. Even if you think someone else isn't. My breaking rules didn't give you a reason to do the same. I didn't want you to be hurt...and I'm glad that you weren't...but it doesn't change the fact you chose to enter unknown danger based on a certain amount of prejudice."
His gaze rested on Shinobu, who nodded miserably.
"I can see you understand that," he added. "And I accept your apologies, both of you, because I realise you are sincere. But Yatsubashi-kun - you can't speak to a superior officer in that manner. No matter what you think is going on - it's not acceptable. Especially one whose orders you just disobeyed."
He frowned, his eyes narrowing slightly.
"I told you that if you had an issue with taking orders from an Aizen, you should address it with the Captain," he added, and Shinobu visibly flinched at this, wiping away his tears with his sleeve. "If you had done so, perhaps you would have understood that I am nothing like my father."
"Kayashima-san...and Furuta-san...told me...about...five years...ago," Shinobu managed to find his voice. "When...I heard...about that...I realised...that...I...didn't...understand...anything at all."
"You shouldn't need to be told that your superior officer is someone you should look up to," Now Kayashima did take a hand, and Shinobu turned to glance at him. "Koku is here because we trust him. You shouldn't need validation of why he's someone to trust. Your Captain has faith in him. You should too."
"Yes...sir." Shinobu's head jerked into another nod, and Kohaku held up his good hand, indicating for his friend to stop.
"It's all right, Kayashima. You've had a chance to talk to them about this, but now it's my turn," he said evenly, and Kayashima pursed his lips, but held up his hands, as if acknowledging that he had crossed a line by interfering. "Yatsubashi-kun, what Kayashima means is that you can't always expect to be in the loop. Nobody can ever have all the information before making a decision. Sometimes, hesitating costs lives. Sometimes, recklessness does. I think both of you have experienced that personally now, and since I'm just as guilty, I don't want to dwell on it too much...but I do want to address the other aspect of this problem directly. I don't know what you've been told, but I need to do it myself, because otherwise it has no meaning."
He glanced at Hiroshi.
"Yatsubashi-kun said you didn't doubt me," he added softly, and Hiroshi started, then reddened, shaking his head.
"I didn't think that someone who could sit and give me advice like you did after that first training spar could be someone who would betray the Captain, sir," he said awkwardly.
"Even though I made you hallucinate?"
"That...wasn't nice," Hiroshi admitted, shivering a little at the memory. "To be honest, sir, I still feel sick when I think of it. But...I realised...you could have killed us, with spirit power like that. You could have done us real damage, but you didn't. And you told us to go home. If you'd wanted to hurt the Captain, you wouldn't have told us to go rat...I mean, report to him. But...I admit, there's a lot I'm still confused about."
"Hiroshi tried to argue with me, but I didn't listen," Shinobu said unevenly. "I should have taken him back to Thirteenth, but I didn't. It really was all my fault."
"No...Naniwa-kun is right when he said he didn't stop you," Kohaku offered Hiroshi a faint smile, and the recruit returned it with a hesitant one of his own. "But I'm glad that you felt that way, Naniwa-kun. I thought we had a good understanding of each other, and I'm glad to know I wasn't wrong about that. You didn't seem to mind being trained by an Aizen...so am I right in thinking that I don't need to address that with you?"
"I don't care, sir. I mean, that sounded rude, but I don't...it doesn't mean anything to me," Hiroshi babbled, his cheeks flaming again as he almost slipped into more casual speech. "I trusted you before and I trust you now. But I didn't grow up in District Seven, sir. So...I...guess maybe I don't understand."
"No..." Kohaku's gaze rested on Shinobu now, as the younger recruit gazed at his hands.
"My father hurt your family, didn't he?" he asked quietly, and Shinobu nodded.
"Will you tell me, please, what happened? I'd like to understand...since everything Father did in District Seven was before I was born."
"Before I was too, sir," Shinobu admitted, raising his gaze sadly to meet Kohaku's dark brown eyes. "But...my whole family...I always heard stories about it. Because I was born with spirit power. Nobody in my family had been for a while, and all those before me...they..."
He swallowed hard, and there was a moment of silence, as Kohaku waited patiently for him to continue.
"They were all killed," he whispered. "Or turned into experiments, then killed. My family worked for the Endou, and it was discovered...afterwards...that those who had spirit power were taken by Seimaru...sama...and used...by...K...Keitarou for his experiments in Reidoku. At the time, my f...family were t...told that they had died in action, but...th...they didn't. They were...t...turned into Hollow creatures, and...and worse."
He closed his eyes, swallowing hard as he struggled to compose himself.
"My father's...brother...was also killed by K...Keitarou directly," he added, his voice shaking again. "Even though he didn't have spirit power at all. When Sumire-sama and...Eiraki-hime...left District Seven. Seimaru-sama...set them up. He sent officers...to die. He fooled Misashi-sama's chief retainer, Kibana-dono, into thinking him an ally, and almost got him killed, too. He told Kibana-dono that he'd sedated the officers, but he hadn't. He killed them. And one of that force...was my uncle. He..was on his first mission, and he was only a teenager. He...was just...just a kid, only sixteen - younger than I am now. Father said he was excited to be selected by Seimaru-sama particularly - but he was sent there to die, not for any other reason. They all were. My uncle got injured in the struggle, but he probably would've survived the injury, if someone had helped him. He should have done - but Keitarou didn't want any witnesses left behind that night. There were notes among Seimaru-sama's papers, because he had all the bodies examined before he covered up their deaths. They proved my uncle had his throat slit by...by...a zanpakutou blade. It must have been K...Keitarou's sword, and...my father..."
The tears began to fall again, and he moved his sleeve to wipe them away.
"He always talks about it," he said sadly. "Every year, on the anniversary. He's never forgotten, even though it was more than thirty years ago now. He loved his brother, and he and my other uncle never really got over losing him. When Misashi-sama took over, he set the Clan to rights and we...we were told...I mean, my family were...what had happened. There were apparently inquests and reports and the Endou apologised to us. Kibana-dono came personally, but everyone knew he wasn't the one who killed him, because he didn't have a zanpakutou. His throat was slit by Keitarou. My f...father and his kin r...received compensation for all they'd been through, but they only still work for the Clan because Misashi-sama and Hirata-sama also suffered, and...the Endou are not like that now. Everything changed, when Misashi-sama took over. But...I grew up always knowing...that...Keitarou stole family from me. And...if I had been born earlier...I would have been...the same."
He lowered his arm.
"Taichou came to District Seven," he whispered. "He came and he made it possible for District kids like me to train as shinigami in District Seven too. He risked his life to open that pathway for us, and I...I always wanted to be a shinigami, like him, when I knew. My father even met him once, when he was still in D...District Seven, and...when I was a kid, he'd tell me lots of stories about how, even if rebel Endou wanted to kill him, the Captain always insisted on treating everyone fairly and with j...justice. And he wouldn't be scared away from his purpose, no matter the danger. I thought...he was an amazing person. And I wanted to go to the Academy and learn to be like that...only..."
"You came here, to the Division of the person you admired most, to find the son of the person you hated most among his squad personnel?" Kohaku asked softly, and Shinobu nodded.
"Maybe I was jealous," he admitted unwillingly, dropping his gaze to avoid Hiroshi's concerned glance. "I told Hiroshi I wasn't, but maybe I was, deep down. Taichou...everyone...treats you differently. I didn't understand about how you came here or why...but...it felt like...you worked to different rules somehow. And...maybe...part of me was also afraid. Because Keitarou...he lied and he hid and he fooled people. He did that for a long, long time. And I didn't know...if...you...were..."
He broke off, and Hiroshi patted his friend lightly on the arm.
"Shinobu's idolised the Captain since I've known him," he said quietly. "But it's not that he just assumed things about you and decided to hate you, Kohaku-san. He's feeling especially bad right now, so he's blaming himself for everything, but we talked it out, and he told me that he intended to get to know you and figure things out for himself. It's just that, when you slipped barracks, and then used that spirit power on us, I guess he didn't know how else to interpret it."
"I shouldn't have done that," Kohaku looked sheepish, raising his gaze to Kayashima's once more, and the other officer smirked, nodding his head in agreement. "I'm sorry I did. I...I'm not good at explaining myself clearly, sometimes. I can see how that would be interpreted but...I wanted you to go back. And I thought...if I scared you away, then you'd not get involved with someone who wouldn't mind you being killed. I didn't intend to hurt you," he added. "I don't hurt my allies."
"You're not super interested in hurting your enemies, either," Kayashima put in laconically, and Kohaku pulled a face in his friend's direction.
"It's better, that way," he defended himself. "Because then they can face a proper trial and justice can be done. Isn't that what Taichou would say?"
He sighed, eying Shinobu resignedly.
"We do have something in common, you know," he reflected thoughtfully, and Shinobu eyed him uncertainly. "We both admire the Captain more than anything. He's done a lot for me, since I came here. And...maybe it's hard for you to understand that, but...I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. No matter what. Not on purpose, anyway."
"You said, in District Four, you'd betrayed someone close to you, and let them die," Shinobu ventured hesitantly. "That person...it was Keitarou, wasn't it? Keitarou was the person you betrayed. That's why Taichou trusts you...because, five years ago, you chose Seireitei's side?"
"Mm," Kohaku's expression became pained, and slowly, he nodded.
"I don't hate Father," he said honestly. "I never will, because some part of me wants to believe he loved me. And...that last time I saw him, it felt like...he did. He hugged me and told me that, when it was all over, he'd seal away my spirit power so it would stop hurting me. I don't know...if that was another of his lies. But I want to believe he meant it - that he would've put my well-being above using my spirit power for his ends. Knowing I delivered him to death, after that last conversation, will always stay with me. But...I also knew that if I didn't act, people would die. And...I couldn't let that happen. Especially not if one of them was Ukitake-taichou."
He looked sheepish.
"Keitarou sired me, raised me, and controlled every inch of my life until I was twenty-one," he reflected. "But it's only since I came under Taichou's mentorship that I've understood what it should be like to have a father figure to look up to. I wasn't a child when I came here, but I was...ignorant of pretty much everything. He's taught me a lot - but more, he's let me find myself and build my own hopes and wishes, rather than just imposing his on me. My father...he may have loved me, but I know it wasn't unconditional. He was too wrapped up in his science to be able to see me as just his son, rather than a part of his arsenal. But Taichou..."
He shrugged his shoulders.
"He came to retrieve me, when Father took me from Thirteenth," he concluded. "And I knew, no matter what, that I could trust him. More than my own father. More than anyone - I could trust him. And I would never, ever turn on him. That bond is precious to me - Thirteenth as a whole is, and my friends, and everything I have now. But most of all...Taichou is. I need you to understand that. Keitarou was my father - I can't change that, and I won't hide it. But Taichou is my role model, Yatsubashi-kun - just as much as he is yours, although for different reasons."
"The person Keitarou hurt most was Koku," Kayashima said gravely. "You might not want me to say it, Koku, but it's still true. Whatever you want to believe about him, you haven't let it go any more than Yatsubashi's been able to. But both of you need to realise that Keitarou has power so long as you let that guilt or resentment fester in your memories. You both have to make a clean break with him as part of the past now...and move on."
"I think so too," Shinobu said bravely. "These last few days have been tough, Kohaku-san. I thought...my recklessness might have got you killed." He touched the bruises on his cheek pensively, then, "Even when we knew you were getting well, I didn't know...if I'd be able to apologise. If you'd listen. If...if I even deserved to stay in Thirteenth Division, after acting like that. I...I'm ashamed of myself. I jumped to conclusions and people got hurt because of it. That's hard to come to terms with...no matter how much I look at it."
He sighed heavily.
"It's what you said before. Prejudice. You're not your father any more than I am mine, and Keitarou never hurt me personally," he reflected pensively. "He hurt you, but not me. And I...can't keep reliving the grief my parents and my kinsfolk did. If I don't associate Hirata-sama with Seimaru-sama, then...it doesn't make sense to connect you with Keitarou, Kohaku-san. I'm really sorry I said those things. I guess they must have hurt to hear, given everything. But I...I won't ever think it again. I know, now...there's a reason Taichou trusts you. And...it has nothing to do with you being an Aizen. And even if it did...it...isn't my business to question my Captain's judgement, anyway. I'm just a recruit, and I still have a lot of things to learn."
"I'm happy to hear you say that," Kohaku was relieved. "I'm not confident, yet, in this position. And Taichou might yet demote me, for breaking his orders - but up till this year, I've avoided helping with the recruits. I don't suppose I've been very successful at it this time, either - but I want to get better at making my orders heard and understood."
"There's nothing wrong with your orders, sir," Shinobu said firmly. "I was in the wrong. And besides,"
He smiled sheepishly.
"I know, now, that you went off like you did because you wanted to protect the Captain," he added. "Even if it was against the rules, if I'd understood that, I wouldn't have wanted to stop you. It's stupid, thinking of it all now. I don't know what was wrong with me. I think...maybe I was really just scared. Especially after what happened at Eleventh."
"We also now know you're pretty scary, sir," Hiroshi said ruefully, and Shinobu nodded. "Not just that you made us see those pictures, but you could stand up and even fight in that atmosphere. I don't understand all the details of that Soldier guy, except he was bad news - and I know he was pretty strong. But you put up a fight against him and that's pretty impressive going for a Twelfth Seat."
"Yeah, well, no matter how much I try to fit in, I don't suppose it's really ever going to work," Kohaku was resigned, and his gaze flitted to the silent, sheathed form of Kyouka Raigen. "Yatsubashi-kun, I told you a little bit about my sword, and that it had been reincarnated, didn't I? Well," as Shinobu nodded, "those swords are very rare, and difficult to handle. It's why Father paid me so much attention, because he wanted to school me into the kind of monster that attacked us in Fourth District. But that's not who I am," he said matter-of-factly. "I don't believe in killing people and I don't like death. And now, at last, my sword seems to be accepting that as my default point of view. In that scenario, it would have been easier to fight if you two weren't in the equation, but Kyouka Raigen bowed to my will and accepted that protecting you was as important as fighting the danger in front of us. It listened to me and acted with my wishes in mind, which made me realise that I can get stronger now, without being so afraid of how it will react. Perhaps, I'll have better control. But...a lot of people in Seireitei are already a bit uncertain about what I can do."
"Can you really see the future?" Hiroshi ventured, and Kohaku sent him a wistful look.
"Sometimes," he agreed cautiously. "Depending on the situation. Why? Does it frighten you, now that you know that?"
"I'm not sure," Hiroshi admitted. "I think it's hard to get my head around, to be honest. I don't really...believe in those kinds of things, and, well..." he faltered, looking sheepish. "Not that I think you're a liar or anything. I really am going to get disciplined for rudeness if I'm not careful, aren't I? In District Four, I think I saw it...I realised you were dodging attacks because somehow you knew where the swing would land, and so in that context, it makes sense...but...it's just...difficult to know what to make of it."
"Well, it's not like I'm an all-seeing oracle who can predict every single event from now till the end of time," Kohaku replied frankly. "I see more past and present than future, honestly, and even when I do see things that haven't happened yet, they're often unclear and usually violent. It's not really very nice," he confessed. "I don't like doing it, and sometimes I could very well live without it."
"Kayashima-san and Furuta-san told me that was the case, too," Shinobu said seriously. "That you saw when someone might die, and sometimes, you could act to stop it. And that that's what happened at Thirteenth the night Eleventh was attacked. I misunderstood everything, but what happened that night shook me up pretty bad. Reflecting on it, I think I've been waiting for something bad to happen to us as well...because I saw ghosts that night, and people at Eleventh died."
"But not as many as would have done, if Koku hadn't filled Thirteenth with his ghosts," Kayashima crossed the room at that point, resting a hand lightly on the shoulder of each recruit. "Listen, both of you. Koku's spirit power is pretty unique, and full throttle...and there are times it misbehaves. Sometimes we just have to deal with the fallout, like we did that night. But believe it or not, you will get used to living with it. Consider it endurance training - since it seems like both of you are still pretty weak to foreign reiatsu."
"Especially me," Hiroshi groaned. "I was sick for days after...I'll definitely not go voluntarily into a Captain level fight again any time soon."
"Then that's a useful lesson learned," Kayashima grinned, shooting Kohaku a conspiratorial glance, and Kohaku shrugged his shoulders.
"I'm going to work hard at improving my control," he said honestly. "Sometimes it isn't very good. What Kayashima told you, that day we trained, was true. I'm very sensitive to reishi and reiatsu. Sometimes it overloads me and I can't block it out. That's when I lose control...but I'm going to get better at it. I probably should have told you up front from the start, what happened the night Eleventh was attacked," he added, "but I didn't want to scare you. I suppose nobody did, in the circumstances - but perhaps it was the wrong decision. In any case, I am what I am, and my sword is what it is - and I can't change any of it, so I'm not going to try to any more. I'm just going to work harder at making sure it can't inconvenience people, and go from there."
"That really must have been some talk with Kyouraku-taichou," Kayashima let out a low whistle, and Kohaku sent him an irritated look.
"Idiot," he scolded. "I've been thinking about it myself, too. I've decided that I'm not going to treat my life cheaply any more, since there are still lots of things I want and need to do with it - and one of those is fully mastering Kyouka's power so I can be useful, rather than a reckless nuisance. Even if the Captain does demote me," he added with a sigh. "I'll just have to work harder to win back his faith in me."
"I don't think our Captain is the kind of person to lose faith in someone so easily," Kayashima shook his head, and Shinobu nodded, looking thoughtful.
"When I asked him if he wanted me to leave the Division, he told me that mistakes were things we accepted, learned from and built on," he said reflectively. "Even though, at that time, it wasn't clear if you would be okay, Kohaku-san. He was able to say that to me, despite everything that I'd done. I think Kayashima-san is right. Taichou is as amazing a person as everyone in District Seven always says he is, and I won't disappoint him again."
"The kid is right, you know," Kayashima agreed. "Taichou's been putting up with your weird for five years too, Koku-kun. He's not going to discard you or demote you over something so trivial as putting your life in reckless danger to save Seireitei again."
"You think so?" Kohaku arched an eyebrow. "Okay, maybe not discard me, but...I'm not sure he'll be that understanding. Even if these two did something stupid, so did I. They haven't run away from their responsibility, and nor will I. But it doesn't help, not having seen him yet. It makes me worry, when I do, what he'll say."
"I suppose the more time that passes, you won't look like a pitiful wreck needing sympathy, and he'll be able to be more strict," Kayashima laughed. "Whatever it is, though, suck it up and move on. Yatsubashi's attitude is the right one. You can only take it on board and build from it, going forward. So long as you do that, there's no harm done. Right?"
"I still want to be able to spar with you, too," Hiroshi said honestly. "I mean, not with..." his gaze shifted to Kyouka Raigen, and he smiled ruefully. "I understand now why you don't train us with it, and also, why you didn't get to go to the Academy. But with asauchi...I'd still like to, when you're fit again. If you don't mind."
"I don't," Kohaku looked surprised, but he smiled, shaking his head. "I'd like that."
"Would...it be possible...for me to spar with you too, sometimes?" Shinobu asked hesitantly. "I know...you probably don't want to spend any more time near me, given everything I said, but...I...I mean..."
"I already told you that I accepted your apology, though," Kohaku met the recruit's gaze with an even one of his own. "I haven't forgotten you said it, but it's not the first time someone said something like that to me. It probably won't be the last. I know Kayashima gave you those bruises for it," he glanced at his friend, who smiled sheepishly, "but having had this conversation, as far as I'm concerned, that matter is resolved. I think you understand, now...who I am and why I'm here. I believe that you meant it, when you said you were sorry. If that's all the good that came from this adventure, it's enough for the time being. I'll spar with you if you like, Yatsubashi-kun. But I won't go easy on you, so keep that in mind. No seated officer wants to be disarmed by a recruit. Not even me."
"No more hallucinations, though," Kayashima warned, mischief in his eyes, and Kohaku snorted.
"I'll save those for you," he retorted. "Don't be silly."
"You probably will as well," Kayashima admitted resignedly. "Oh well. I'll look forward to it - I could probably use some endurance training in that regard as well."
He sighed, stretching his arms over his head.
"We should head back," he added. "There's chores to do and drill to get through and everything is a bit mad at home, still. Shikibu-san told me not to take too long and not to tire you out - so I guess we'll leave you to your books. The world might come to the brink of ending, but I'm sure you'd still manage to bury your nose in a thick, dusty old tome. It's sort of a relief to know that battling Death didn't change you."
"Like it ever would," Kohaku said firmly. "This is the person I am and I've decided that I'm not going to change it for anyone."
He smiled faintly.
"I just have to learn to have more confidence in it," he concluded. "But it's like you said, there's time yet going forward. Whatever Taichou decides, I have a lot to work on, and I won't give up on being a shinigami he can be proud of, either."
There was a sombre atmosphere over the Kuchiki main house as Naoko and Retsu arrived in the grounds, Naoko surveying with a troubled frown the damage and devastation that had woven its way through the estate. She could still sense the faint traces of her Captain's reiryoku here, as well as those belonging to others, and the gouges in the earth spoke of a battle in mud against a monster that thankfully, had long since been silenced. Now it was her turn to put to rest the last of Seireitei's outstanding grievances. If she even could.
Under the sleeves of her hakamashita she clenched her fists, hoping that her apprehension was not visible in her expression. Hiding it from Retsu completely would be impossible, given the Fourth Captain's healer's wits, but she did not want to give any of the Kuchiki family the impression that she had doubts about what she had come here to do. Retsu had promised to ensure her safety, but, as they had travelled here, Naoko had realised that that would probably not be enough. If she couldn't rouse Guren, it would be another failure - another moment where, as a member of the Unohana family, she had been helpless in front of someone needing her help. Suzuno's bloodstained features flitted across her thoughts, and she frowned, her lips thinning as she forced the recollection away. Suzuno would want her to do this too, she knew, even though her gentle cousin was long since dead and gone.
Probably I need healing too, not just Guren-sama. This is a chance to maybe - at least a little - mend the scars Keitarou left in my soul when he left Suzuno to die in my arms, or used my blade to wield his terror over the school grounds. I need to do this for myself as much as to help the Kuchiki - so I only hope that I can. These people are Mitsuki's family - the family of one of my closest and dearest people in the whole world. But she cannot heal them. Only I can. So I have to be strong enough to do it. Even though I'm the healer that cannot heal...if I do this right, at last, I'll feel like I wasn't given Dokusou Houshi in vain.
"Are you all right, Naoko-san?"
As they were ushered into the main estate by the smartly dressed and attentive Shibata, Retsu shot her kinswoman a questioning glance. The words were soft and gentle, but Naoko started at the sound of them, raising her gaze to her companion and then letting out a little sigh. She nodded.
"I understand the weight of the task you've asked of me," she admitted. "But the more I think of it, the more I want to achieve it. Please help me to do that, Retsu-sama."
"I won't put you in danger. I promised your Captain and I won't let you be reckless," Retsu warned, and Naoko pursed her lips.
"I won't be reckless," she said at length. "Even if I wanted to be, it would be betraying Thirteenth Division and their need of me right now, with Houjou-kun at the Eleventh and the Captain not fully fit. I won't do anything silly, Retsu-sama. You have my word. But please...let me do all I can. Let me really try to help Guren-sama. I know he's a lot stronger than I am, but I will...do whatever I can to help him wake up, so don't stop me unless I'm really at risk. Not even if it's hard on me."
Retsu gazed at her for a moment, then she nodded.
"You have my word," she said lightly, though there was gravity in her soft gaze. "I trust your judgement, Naoko-san, and you have more understanding of Dokusou Houshi than I or anyone else can ever do. Put your faith in your sword and allow it to guide you. I believe you are capable of this task, or I would not have asked you. But I will also keep my word to Ukitake-taichou, and convey you back to Thirteenth unharmed. So we must do what we can to ensure those two challenges are met, mustn't we?" She smiled faintly. "In the way all healers must, when they ascertain risk."
"I've never felt like a healer," Naoko owned, gazing around her at the finely polished wall panels of the corridor that Shibata was leading them down. "When I was younger it made me stand out against it, I think. But after Suzuno, I hated it. Who I was, and what I wasn't. And being at Thirteenth became my freedom, because nobody expected me to heal. But...I suppose that part of me still wanted to be able to. At least once..."
She shrugged sadly.
"So my family have something to be proud about, even if they dislike the path in life I've chosen, and understand it means my blade is stained with blood from battle."
"Your family would be foolish not to be proud of such an upstanding shinigami, and those of us who are healers on the front line understand that, sometimes, battle is as important. We have to protect our allies, and sometimes defending the wounded is as noble as healing them is," Retsu reflected. "But shh, we are here now. We can continue the discussion later, but for the time being our focus must both be on the task ahead."
"I understand," Naoko inclined her head in acceptance, as Shibata drew back the door of Guren's chamber, and, for the first time, the sleeping Captain's form became visible.
At his bedside sat another figure, older in appearance, and frailer, but with a resilience and obstinacy for life in his gaze that left Naoko in no doubt that this man was as far from death as the halest and heartiest individual in the shinigami camp. Something about this combination of physical delicacy and mental strength reminded her briefly of her Captain, and a tiny smile twitched at the edges of her lips. This was Seiren, she realised, the father of her former classmate, Ryuu, although she was not sure they had ever met one another before. Perhaps he had been at their graduation, she reflected, but those days had been difficult for her, and she had not really paid a lot of attention to external affairs. Though she knew Seiren and Guren were twins, they were very little alike to look at, a distinction made greater by Seiren's physical infirmities, but Naoko was not fooled and knew that the bond between them was as strong as it could be. At their entrance, Seiren got stiffly to his feet, grasping his cane in his hand and approaching them solemnly.
"Retsu-sama, thank you for taking time once again to come here," he said gravely, then turned his gaze to Naoko, bowing his head slightly. "Shikibu Naoko-san, I presume? I believe you are an acquaintance of my son, Ryuu, and I and my family are eternally grateful that you have agreed to come help my brother, even though it may not be an easy task to complete."
"I will do everything I can, sir, you have my word," At the humility in the gesture of this proud and illustrious Kuchiki, Naoko felt her determination multiply threefold, and she spoke without a trace of doubt in her voice. "I am not a healer by the traditional definition, but if that fact alone can bring Guren-sama from his sleep, then I will use what skills I was given and do my best to wake him."
"Naoko-san's zanpakutou has the ability to absorb and disrupt another's spirit power, and such a destabilising element is necessary to break Guren-sama's seal on his own consciousness," Retsu said evenly. "I truly believe she is the best hope for Guren-sama's long-term health and recovery. I fear, however, Seiren-dono, that it might be a difficult process for you to bear witness to. Naoko-san's zanpakutou carries some penetrative force, and while I do not wish to be disrespectful..."
She trailed off, and Seiren's expression took on a look of sad comprehension. He nodded.
"It would, perhaps, be to my detriment to be here, while you were at work?" he asked softly. Retsu shrugged.
"I don't know," she admitted. "This manner of treatment is a first for me, as well as for Naoko-san. But I do not think it wise for anyone with low spirit power to be present, just in case. Guren-sama will be strong enough to withstand the force of Dokusou Houshi, but I am unsure what might happen to anyone else in the vicinity, who might not be so well defended against a well-trained zanpakutou release."
"Then Shibata and I will withdraw to my study, and entrust my brother's well-being to you both," Seiren said with a sigh. "Whatever will help him must be done - and a shadow must not get in the way."
He bowed his head to Retsu, offering Naoko a smile once more, then gesturing for Shibata to follow him from the room. Once they were gone, Naoko sent Retsu a questioning look.
"Do you think it would be that dangerous, for him to be here if I released my sword?" she asked doubtfully. Retsu spread her hands.
"I genuinely don't know," she admitted. "But I would rather he was not here, just in case. Moreover, I am not sure witnessing Dokusou Houshi's work would be easy for him or his manservant, given that they lack spiritual perception and would not be able to see exactly what was being done. This way, too, you can relax and work as you need. You cannot hurt me with that blade, as I am sure you know - nor do I believe you can hurt Guren-sama, whose strength is far from inferior among the Gotei's captains. With Seiren-dono gone, we can get to work without fear. It is sometimes harder to work with witnesses present, anyway - especially those who are close kin of the patient."
"I suppose so," Naoko moved across to the bedside, gazing down at Guren's sleeping features. "I hadn't thought about it in those terms. I really don't think like a healer at all, do I?"
"You think like a shinigami wanting to help a comrade, which is not much different, in the final event," Retsu reassured her.
"It feels odd to be here, like I'm trespassing into the privacy of a Clan Lord without his permission," Naoko sat down awkwardly at the side of the bed, resting her hand loosely on the hilt of her weapon. "Is it really all right to release Dokusou Houshi here, inside the private apartments of the head of the Kuchiki family?"
"Seiren-dono has given his consent, and in Guren-sama's absence, we must defer to his authority," Retsu pointed out. "Shirogane-dono also endorsed my plan when I spoke to him of it, before we left Seireitei. Your own Captain has given permission, too. You should not be intimidated, Naoko-san. You left your Clan, true enough, and I realise you were raised within Clan degrees, so understand still the hierarchy that that can impose. But...in this scenario...you are simply one healer, and Guren-sama is your patient. In that context, you and he are entirely as equals - one life and another, and you will use your skills to give to him what he needs to awaken and resume his duties. In short, he will be the Clan Lord and Captain you know and respect him to be because of what we do here. Do you understand?"
"I suppose so," Naoko carefully pulled her sword from its scabbard, resting it across her lap. "It's like nothing Dokusou Houshi and I have ever done before, but when you say it like that..."
She ran her finger along the blade.
"I can feel the Priest's spirit, pulsing and dancing within the blade, like it's excited and eager to get going," she admitted. "I've felt it do that before, but never like this. I've not allowed Dokusou Houshi to fully embrace all the elements of its power because of what Keitarou did to me, because I was afraid of it hurting people - but right now it feels quite different. Like it wants to help Guren-sama. Heal...Guren-sama. Like I'm the one who's confused and ignorant about what I am and what I can do - but Dokusou Houshi has no doubts. I think...I can help Guren-sama, Retsu-sama. Or rather, I think Dokusou Houshi believes he can, even if I'm not sure. And I...for the first time, I guess I'm going to trust in my sword, and hope...for the first time...I can use it to help save a life."
Author's Note: Happy New Year Everyone!