Actually, I am not sure that I liked my last chapter wholeheartedly. I kind of rushed it the last hours before posting. Sometimes I write chapters in one going, sometimes I put pieces together I wrote when ideas come along the way. I tried to deal with a few insecurities I learned from friends and companions, not only being pregnant but also being two former heterosexuals in a same-sex relationship. I know there are a lot of opinions out there on the matter of women using toys. I can't answer this question, but a very close friend of mine once told me (having a couple of beers already) that her girlfriend had needed some kind of different sex lately, being in her second trimester.
At first, I thought, wow… I have no idea if I wanted to share those things with one of my friends if that ever happened to me but then I realized she really needed to get that off of her chest. (Before you wonder, I asked her if it was okay to share this with you and as you will never know who she is, she allowed me to.)
They are a really nice couple, comfortable and absolutely in love with each other but they weren't at all prepared for a lot of things that pregnancy threw at them, along with it a different kind of sexuality. At the beginning of second trimester her girlfriend's libido had exploded all over the place and whatever my friend tried she wasn't able to satisfy her girlfriend somehow. Not for lack of trying or not being invested. It just didn't work, not when no penetration was involved. In her total despair she walked into a sex shop and bought a strap-on, never had used one before. It worked, obviously… but it brought some injuries along the way. My friend's girlfriend had always been with guys before and suddenly my friend was left feeling inaptly, thinking her girlfriend did miss that body-part and deep down somehow fearing that she was going to lose her.
I really like that girlfriend but let me tell you she wasn't easy to be around during the first two trimester and my friend was too anxiously to tell her about those things. So, she was left quite 6 months to wallow in her own misery while trying everything to live up to her girlfriends wishes. At the end it turned all out perfectly, but all the heartache was because of insecurities and not talking about them.
Last but not least, thank you dear guest readers for reviewing my story, sadly I can't write back to you personally.
And for those who misunderstood me, maybe I was not clear enough. I love my story and keep writing it, I just want to post it under a different name with a little difference in the beginning.
The mistakes down there are sure as hell on me ;)
See Author's Note (Chapter one)
Jane kissed her slowly. "We had sex like that at times before the pregnancy and there is nothing wrong with it."
The first and the second third of Maura's pregnancy had been rocky, for entirely different reasons. Maura had been plagued with a lot of insecurities. Whether it was being not good enough for Jane or just too much, fear of asking for too much, fear of being not able to become an adoring mother, frustrated that she couldn't just enjoy her pregnancy thanks to her struggles, of being too hot, of being too tired, of being too moody.
It all turned around when she hit third trimester. It was when she calmed down, when they calmed down. If it hadn't been for Maura's permanently growing belly it just went all back to being normal, like both of them loved their relationship. Calm, solid, lovingly.
From the very next morning the night after they had first tried for the baby Maura had cut down a few tasks at work. They had not known that the first try was all it would take but the blonde doctor being who she was, didn't want to take the risk.
It had not been an easy task. None of them wanted to raise suspicion but something had to be done to protect a potential unborn baby. Maura had confided in one Senior Criminalist Susie Chang. Maura knew that Susie was not only very professional but also a very good person she could trust with her privacy.
She had asked Susie to join her for lunch, a conversation like that was not held in the morgue or her office right next to the same. Susie had been so very happy when Maura had told her that they were trying for a baby, of course she had been willing to not only cover every task too dangerous for Maura but also to defend the secret she was let into.
She actually came up with the idea to sell it off as some kind of advanced training for her, as it would very likely raise some suspicions to the smart people working downstairs with them. Susie Chang was becoming Maura's constant shadow and something like a guard dog at the same time from that second on. It was actually Jane who proposed that the quirky criminalist would make an awesome godmother to their child.
Baptism. TJ's baptism had raised the issue. Jane had been skeptical. She had been raised Catholic and sometimes it had been nothing but a burden. She didn't want their child to be baptized just because someone expected it. Maura being an atheist motivated her even more so to consider the necessity of baptism.
Amazingly enough Jane had to learn that Maura actually wanted their baby to be baptized. It wasn't only for respecting Jane's upbringing and clearly not out of faith but a very serious reason, too. Their baby needed to be taken care of in case they wouldn't make it home one day.
Those words brought a gloomy silence and a few tears to their bedroom for a few minutes.
The relationship between her beloved detective and her head of laboratory often brought Maura a ton of joy. Jane actually swore that Susie Chang was some kind of ninja, with her being always just around the corner but never seen and the Asian woman had some quirky kind of I-am-intimidated-by-you-but-I-admire-you crush on Jane. Nothing sexual, but a very heavy adoration. Susie Chang was deliriously happy that her own personal hero was loved so deeply by one Detective Jane Rizzoli and she would do anything to protect this love. Jane just liked Susie a whole bunch more just for that reason alone.
The cheerful woman actually shed some silent tears when detective and doctor proposed to become the godmother to their child. It was easy to chose Susie but entirely hard to decide who would become the godfather. Jane's brothers would naturally become uncles when their baby was born so it was either Frost or Korsak.
Sometimes they would feel guilty for the pro's and con's they put out there to decide. Korsak had married them off, it wasn't officially but he had led the ceremony in Santorini and he had quite a few years on Frost. They didn't want to offend either of them and since they had to find a church anyway, a church which allowed them, a same-sex couple one half of whom was unbaptized, to christen their child they learned that there could be more than two godparents. Baby Rizzoli would be spoiled rotten not only by both families of blood but also by their family of choice. Jane Rizzoli, Maura Isles, Susie Chang, Barry Frost and Vince Korsak made a perfect team at work and it would also be perfect for raising a child together.
They got to do all the things they had mostly missed out during the first six months of Maura's pregnancy and they enjoyed that time immensely. Every time they found themselves close to a surface to lay down and the time to do so they did. It was their bonding time whenever given the opportunity. Cuddling, physical contact, affinity, reading or just talking to the baby, singing. Jane loved to be able to also feel the baby move, to physically feel hands and feet pressing against Maura's belly. The sound of the piano and making love effectively put their baby to sleep, climaxing overly active. Sometimes it felt like they were having a happy dance inside Maura.
When it happened for the first time Maura moaned and giggled uncontrollably. Essentially Jane wasn't opposed to carry a child herself, she didn't hate to be a woman and even Maura's pregnancy didn't scare her away. It was just unpractically, to dangerous, too. Not only for an unborn baby but also for her partner, her co-workers. It would destroy her if someone died because she thought about her baby first or being distracted because of it, but she envied Maura for it. She envied the doctor for all the things Maura could only describe to her.
The small medical examiner did everything she could to share each and every sensation with her partner, each new discovery or development. She enjoyed Jane's hands on her belly and reached out for them the moment a chance was provided. She knew of Jane's misery and though she would just love to see Jane pregnant she wouldn't ask her to. If Jane decided she wanted to, Maura would happily step aside, but it wasn't anything she would ever demand.
She was the one with the less dangerous job and she was the one who could easily delegate the more dangerous tasks to someone else, it had worked perfectly. Maura at least wanted another one, growing up as an only child had been lonely. She didn't want that for their child.
As an only child she also had no brother to do the same as Frankie had done for them. Though it really didn't matter but in case Jane wanted to carry a child they would need to look for a donor. From a medical point of view, it would not even be incest, if Jane would carry Maura's egg fertilized with Frankie's sperm, but it would be an ethically disaster.
Maura woke to one of her favorite sensations. Jane had been like a kid in the candy store when Maura had given her the good to go. The detective had in no way been like most people when expecting their first child, too anxious to touch her wife, but she had come across an article on the internet a week into Maura's third trimester that had thrown her into a state of panic.
Transmission of herpes through oral sex in third trimester and the possible health consequences for the baby at birth. She wasn't even talked down when Maura suggested to test her frequently. Oral sex had been banned from their bedroom and any other place, too.
Maura knew all those possible consequences but Jane had absolutely no medical history of herpes, Angela had confirmed when asked. No one of the five Rizzoli's ever had and Maura saw no point in scaring Jane unnecessarily.
Didn't work. No oral sex for Maura, no oral sex for Jane. Anyone who thought that this was Maura's way of revenge is wrong. Jane refused to give and to take, she even was furious when she woke up one morning to find Maura under the covers kissing her pelvis.
Thirty percent of HSV1 infections remain undetected in conventional antibody tests sounded to Jane like thirty reasons for celibacy for this particular sexual practice. Maura was able to give that, as long as Jane didn't refuse sex in general and partial because she knew Jane was only going to punish herself. Jane loved to bring Maura to orgasm with her mouth.
The detective had been somewhere between having a heart attack and the Superbowl victory celebration when Maura had gripped into her hair last night, Jane had for the umpteenth time tried to count freckles, and feinted shoving her down.
Maura's climax had been nearly instantly. Oh god, had she missed it. All of her orgasms with Jane had been strong, magnificent, stunningly. Hardly increasable, partially it was and partially it was not worth waiting nearly five months.
This morning however was the first time Sophie had interrupted sex. They had been frozen for a moment. It was the worst timing ever. Jane's tongue was still pressed against Maura's sex and she knew as well as the doctor herself that she was only seconds away from orgasm.
She calculated which would be the worst-case-scenario, getting up immediately and leave Maura in her condition or to bring her to climax and then flee the bed. She chose the latter to do. When she came back with their daughter, she avoided eye contact. It was bound to happen but she had felt miserably jumping from the bed as soon as Maura had crashed over the edge. She felt miserably for staying with Maura when Sophie had been crying.
It was a situation they were not prepared for, not the slightest bit though it had happened with work, but then rarely every second ever counted. Usually they were called when someone had died, they wouldn't be any less dead two minutes down the line.
Maura's breathing was still heavy, fragmented. Jane had sat down and had kissed her temple softly.
"I am so sorry," she had whispered.
Maura did not answer until Sophie had latched on. She carefully caressed the tiny face with her fingertip.
"If you ever fall in love please let them be not any less than your mama, the one I fell in love with. Every day it tears my heart apart to feel so much love and to be given the gift of seeing her so lovingly and tender when she's with you. It is a different, a pure kind of love than the one she feels for me. She saved me, from loneliness and from a life full of dullness and on a beautiful and unforgettable night she gave me you. Something I never thought I needed, something I never thought I could have. She will keep us both safe and she will tear herself apart to give us anything we both don't know we need. Sometimes she will be grumpy and pretend to be as hart as stone but I will let you in about a secret, she has a heart as pure as gold and she will lay down her life for you. I just hope it will not come to that because she carries my heart with her and I would die, too."
Jane had tried really hard not to cry. Maura had always been one to show all of her emotions, at least with Jane. Jane whom she trusted like no one else, but in moments like this even the detective was let in to the deepest of her soul, where no one else ever had been.
After Sophie was fed Jane tried to get up to start breakfast but was stopped by Maura's hand on her wrist.
The doctor leaned over, whispering into Jane's ear. "You still owe me a few minutes skin-on-skin time, detective."
It had been important to Maura that Sophie would grow up with a healthy feeling for her own body and to learn to respect the privacy of others. Skin contact was important for bonding, not only for lovers but also for children.
Wearing clothes to bed prevented the body to lower its temperature and disrupts natural sleep. Limit the child in its natural movements while sleeping.
Sophies room was at the right temperature, she would wear socks and a beanie for the time being, for Maura the diaper was already a barrier to Sophies freedom, but a necessary one. Though it was possible to go diaper-free right from the start on for the doctor interrupting Sophie's sleep-circle every hour was far unhealthier than wearing diapers.
Children develop a natural shame from a certain age.
Jane slept better, she had no idea if it was because she slept next to Maura or naked or next to a naked Maura, that was written in the stars. Jane wasn't brought up as prudishly as you would expect from a Catholic, Italian family but the concept of sleeping in the nude was something she learned with Maura.
Maura was a genius and a doctor, she was a mother and Jane knew she would never do something to harm their baby. It was an abstract idea until Sophie was born but after feeling her daughter against her naked skin, she loved Maura for always being right.
The first time Sophie sought out her nipple Jane blushed and tried to reason with the small infant. Maura had softly kissed the other one once and soothed her. It was okay, it was Sophie looking for comfort and Maura explained that if Sophie would do that often enough, Jane could even be able to produce a small amount of milk.
Maura could have bursted for that firestorm of feelings cursing through her.
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