Summary: The aftermath of the previous night's revelations is hard for all concerned, but hardest of all for the innocent victims, from Bethany and her two apprentices to a little girl who thought Blackwall was her saviour and is only now realising adults might lie.
A/N: This arc definitely got people talking. I do mostly have it planned out and I think it'll satisfy most of you - I hope. One question did come up - that the only truly unforgivable part was if Blackwall had known Callier was travelling with his wife and kids - the game's a little unclear on that point. Official Inquisition reports says it's not known if Rainier had known that, and one of Cole's streams of consciousness indicates he didn't realise until too late. I'm going to go with no, he didn't, and that it's really not unheard of for Orlesians to either keep their kids on the country estates full-time or at least send them on ahead if business (or pleasure) keeps them in Val Royeaux longer. But other than that, most of what I have planned will hopefully satisfy most of you. This bit's just the immediate aftermath though. Warnings for it being a bit hard to read. Poor little Maia's heartbroken.
Bethany barely paid any attention to where she was going, her brain on autopilot as tears blinded her eyes and all she could think about was… she couldn't think. She couldn't even begin to process this. Everything he'd told her was a lie. Everything.
She'd called him Gordon, the only person in Skyhold to use his first name, not the usual Blackwall. It had been a sign of affection, of trust, intimacy. And it wasn't even his name.
She made it to the ramparts of Skyhold, staring out on the camps below, seeing campfires in the distance, lighting up the valley below, and remembered walking up here with him, arm around her as he inspected the defences, and feeling so safe, a feeling she'd badly needed after fleeing Haven.
"Do you think she's really the Herald of Andraste, Gordon? Everyone's saying their Voice magic's the gift of the Maker. I mean, Maia shouted a storm away! Magic can't do that! She saved us all and… I didn't think it was real. The whole Herald business. I just thought it was being in the right place at the right time. I mean, my sister's Champion of Kirkwall, but to me, she was always just Marian. I thought… I thought it was the same for Elisif. Everyone thinks she's a hero, and she is talented and a good person… but I thought it was stories getting out of hand. Varric's involved, for goodness' sake, that always happens around him. But… do you think it's really real?"
"I don't know, Bethany. But I'll tell you what I do know. It doesn't matter whether Elisif Dragonborn's really blessed by the Maker or not. What matters is that everyone out there believes it. Truth's not important, Bethany. Those soldiers out there in the camps need something to believe in. We all do. We all need to believe that there's someone out there so powerful, she can shake the very Fade itself and bring Corypheus down. It doesn't matter if she's not really Andraste's Herald. We follow her as if she is, and this Inquisition will triumph over anything in its path. That's what matters, Bethany."
At the time, she'd believed it wholeheartedly. Now she was realising just why he'd said the truth didn't matter.
Lying. FUCKING. Bastard.
Bethany sank to her knees, head against the stone, still sobbing, realising she'd never have that feeling of being safe in Gordon Blackwall's arms again, because Gordon Blackwall had been dead for years. She'd been in the arms of a child murderer, and now she'd never feel clean again.
What is the point. What is even the point. I've got to tell the kids tomorrow, oh Maker, I can't do it, I can't.
"Yes, you can. They need you more than ever. Rainier lied but it's his crime, not yours. A family built on lies can't last but you could still have one built on truth. He lied about everything but not loving you."
Cole, who'd appeared from nowhere and was standing against the stonework, arms folded and staring at the courtyard. He was definitely an odd one… but despite knowing he was really a spirit, Bethany had always had a soft spot for him. His heart was in the right place.
Hers was all over the place, but she knew one thing. She couldn't take him back. Not after this. The shame was too much. She should have known, and she'd never even suspected, and…
"I loved Gordon Blackwall," Bethany whispered. "I can't… I can't love Rainier, even if he's changed. But I don't know what to do, and I'm all alone."
"You are the one you have to live with," Cole said softly, nodding once. "Yes. You can't go back, not now. Some say pride is a demon, but you were taught shame so long. Hide it, hide yourself away, no one can know, keep your family safe, then Hawke gone for so long, she's probably dead, go to the Circle so your mother doesn't have to feed you as well. Hide in the Circle, be the good mage, keep your head down, stay out of trouble, don't let Ser Alrik find you, why can't the others stop causing trouble for us all? You just wanted a normal life. But you can be better than normal. You don't have to cut bits of yourself off to make others happy any more. You don't have to hide who you are. And you don't have to chain yourself to a dead man's name on a fugitive's body to please anyone. The sun is still shining even when it's raining. And you're not alone."
Cole pointed in the opposite direction, and Bethany turned to see Cullen standing awkwardly at the top of the steps.
Long ingrained instincts made Bethany feel immediately on edge, as if she'd been caught misbehaving and punishment would surely follow. She tried to get up, standing to attention in the presence of the Knight-Captain… but her legs wouldn't co-operate, and she just ended up in a heap again.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling even worse, if that were possible, because she was a grown adult and she really shouldn't feel like a naughty child around Cullen. But Circle dynamics would take time to shift.
"It's all right, don't try to get up," Cullen said softly, closing the distance and sitting alongside her, about a foot away but no closer, the Templar part of him keeping a respectable distance from one of his Enchanters. "You had a horrible shock. I came to see if you were all right."
Bethany shook her head, tears in her eyes again, and crying in front of Cullen was all she needed. Even though rationally she knew this wasn't the Circle any more, and Cullen couldn't punish her for no reason, not without Inquisitor-level orders, she couldn't forget the past either. Cullen had always been a professional, never taking advantage, never abusing his post… but he'd also always been distant. You always knew that you weren't his friend, and that if the worst happened, he'd kill you without mercy. It made it hard to feel safe or relaxed around him.
Except here, now, on Inquisition ramparts with him in a casual pose and close by and actually showing emotions… part of Bethany was responding, at least a little.
Don't trust him, he's a Templar!
He doesn't take lyrium any more. His eyes aren't as blue.
Maybe we can trust him a little.
Bethany turned to see if Cole had any opinions, but the spirit was gone. Well. Invisible anyway. He'd left her with the memory at least. Perhaps he felt she needed to remember.
"No, not really," Bethany admitted. "I thought… all I ever wanted was a normal life, and I thought maybe I could have that with him. We had no way of knowing if he'd ever have Wardens to even go back to, we could have gone back to Tamriel with the Inquisitor. Alistair always said he'd get us a visa if we wanted. The kids both loved the idea. Lucy wants to move to Liriel's country where there's elves everywhere. Except even Liriel thinks that's a bad idea for a human family. Gordon always seemed a bit dubious about a court role, but liked the idea of something like Eola's mercenary company. I… he knew they'd vet him more closely if he was officially part of the High Queen's court."
Bethany put her head in her hands, feeling tears coming again, and she tried to stop herself but she couldn't. She just couldn't. Oh Maker, crying in front of Commander Cullen, as if her evening wasn't going badly enough.
She heard him gasp softly, and then he'd moved closer, reaching out and placing a hand on her back, and it was the easiest thing in the world to just close the gap and rest his head on his shoulder, and Bethany felt something shifting inside as part of her finally gave herself permission to grieve, sobbing her heart out in Cullen's feathered ruff.
And Cullen shifted his own position to put an arm round her and let her rest more easily, head resting against hers, saying nothing, just one human being giving comfort to another, and yet this simple action would have been unthinkable in Kirkwall Circle. Knight-Commander Meredith would have regarded it as an unforgivable breach of duty leading to Cullen being sacked without a lyrium pension, and Bethany quite possibly getting Tranquillised for it.
But in High Queen Elisif's Inquisition, either of Their Worships would have simply nodded, or stopped to check how everything was going and was Bethany all right.
Bethany wasn't all right, not remotely, and she was probably going to have deep regrets about this later, but right now, Cullen represented safety, familiarity, someone she at least knew was exactly who he said he was. Bethany Hawke would take it.
They'd only been sitting there for a short time, when someone else's footsteps could be heard approaching, and Bethany, who'd been drifting off to sleep, feeling Cullen's fingers barely touching her as they skimmed over her hair, started to hear Varric's voice.
"Sunshine! There you are! I am hearing the craziest stories about your boyfriend and the kid said I'd find you… cuddling up with Curly?"
Bethany's sleepiness abruptly faded as Cullen shoved her upright and promptly scrambled back, putting a foot of distance between them both. Bethany felt the cold night air on her skin as Cullen's body heat disappeared, and gasped, acutely feeling the lack.
"Maker's Breath!" Cullen gasped, pale face flushed pink, and while Bethany wouldn't realise it until a lot later, Kirkwall Circle had left considerable scars with Cullen as well, a man too used to putting walls up around mages and not daring to loose them for fear of disaster. "Varric, what do you want?"
"I wanted to find out what was really going on, and if my old friend Sunshine here needed someone to talk to," Varric said, looking knowingly at Cullen. "You know, Curly, up until a few hours ago, she was happily partnered up with not-really-Blackwall. Not sure she's in the best place for a new relationship right now."
"Varric!" Bethany cried, and Cullen's face had gone from pink to scarlet.
"That wasn't-! I'm not trying to seduce Enchanter Hawke!" Cullen gasped. "Maker's tears, Varric. She was upset. I wanted to make sure she was all right, that's all."
Bethany lowered her head, doing her best to hide the disappointment. It wasn't that she wanted to have sex with Cullen. But she'd wanted to feel safe again. She'd wanted to feel connected again, and for a few too short minutes, she'd had that.
Like so many other things, that had clearly been an illusion but at least Cullen hadn't promised any more. He was who he was. A (former) Templar who subjugated any tender feelings to his duty, every single time.
Why Bethany had ever thought otherwise, she had no idea, but clearly she was destined to be disappointed again. She was getting used to it by now.
"It's all right, Varric," Bethany said wearily. "I just needed a shoulder to cry on, and Knight-Ca- Commander Cullen was here, that's all. I… at least I know he's not hiding anything."
"There's that at least," Varric agreed. "No one's gonna want to pretend to be Curly."
"Hey!" Cullen protested, certain this change of topic wasn't an improvement. "I resent the – the implication I'm too boring to be a man on the run!"
"I just call it as I see it, Curly," Varric said, shrugging, and Bethany bit her lip in an unsuccessful attempt to hide her laughter. Poor Cullen.
And then another voice could be heard as someone else could be heard approaching, calling Bethany's name. A female, Orlesian someone.
"Bethany!" Leliana cried as she raced up the stairs. "Bethany, I heard what happened, are you all right?"
"Yes, Sister, I'm-" Bethany couldn't finish the sentence as Leliana dropped to her knees next to her and hugged her, and from the normally contained and taciturn spymaster, this was unusual. But not so unusual for Bethany, who remembered a young Chantry sister who'd been full of life and passion once, and who'd shown genuine concern for those in need.
"How can you be," Leliana whispered, sounding heartbroken herself. "Bethany, I'm so sorry!"
"It wasn't your fault," Bethany said, confused, as Leliana sounded guilty, but why Bethany couldn't fathom- oh.
"I should have known," Leliana said, furious. "I should have been the one to pick up on it, and I wasn't. Ugh, the clues were there all along – the Callier massacre happens and six months later, Blackwall's career goes quiet? I should have trusted my sources who suspected he was dead, looked harder! But I didn't, I just took his word for it, ignored my suspicions… and then my Inquisitor just stumbles on the truth after Alistair of all people finally acts on his."
"Nightingale, are you feeling sorry for Bethany here, or just annoyed Elisif knew something you didn't?" Varric interrupted, folding his arms. "You know, your pride in being the best spymaster ever getting dented isn't actually the big problem here!"
"I know!" Leliana snapped, angry eyes flashing at Varric… and then her anger subsided as she admitted perhaps that was part of it.
"But if I'd looked earlier, seen earlier…! I could have unmasked him so much sooner. Perhaps if I had, Bethany might not have got involved, or I could have warned her off! As it is, I didn't do my job properly, and we end up with this. Bethany, I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"
"Sister, it really wasn't your fault," Bethany said, patting Leliana on the back. "You're not the one who lied to me all this time. I'm sure you did your best. No one else thought to look either, until tonight. I mean, who really knows how the Wardens work? Just other Wardens and we didn't have any of those until Alistair and Loghain joined, and Fiona, and by that point, he was here. I think we'd even started seeing each other by then. Except it was in the other timeline, which I don't even remember, but he does. Ugh, for all I know, he told me then but I forgot."
"Somehow I doubt that," Varric mused, stroking his chin. "Tusks, Smiler, Princess… they remember the other timeline too, they've never said anything. I can believe Tusks and Smiler know how to keep a secret, but I find it hard to believe they'd keep something like that from the bosses they've served loyally for years. If he told you, he told only you, and Princess remembers nothing about a break-up in the other timeline, and I think you'd have dumped him or at least argued if you'd known. As it is, we'd only have his word for it and we know how much trust we can place in that."
They all knew that, and silence reigned for a few moments… and then Cullen spoke.
"There's no way you could have known, Leliana. What connected Rainier with Blackwall? Nothing. Maybe we could have found evidence he wasn't really Blackwall, but unless someone who'd known Rainier once had turned up and identified him, we could never have connected them. From the sound of it, the real Blackwall recruited Rainier after a chance meeting that no one would really remember if they saw it, didn't live long enough to get him to the other Wardens, and Rainier's been alone ever since. Wardens often turn up on mysterious errands, no one who met him in Ferelden would know enough to know better, and after a few years, he'd have clocked up enough chance encounters to leave a trail with his new identity. In particular, Madanach and the others would have had no idea about anything, and every single thing he told them other than his real identity turned out to be genuine – he even saved them when he didn't have to. He helped them, and in return, Madanach's word got him into the Inquisition without the usual vetting. It's ironic, we spent so much time watching the mages for abominations, and it's the non-mage Warden in their entourage who turned out to be not who he said he was. And with the Wardens all gone to Adamant and the Orlesian soldiers who might remember their former comrade all either tied up in the war or retired from duty, there was no one to say he wasn't Blackwall. Save a confession, the only link was the Grand Tourney story he told Elisif, and he only told it to her. How could you have known? Seriously, Leliana, don't be so hard on yourself."
Leliana had listened to all this in a state of shock, ad then as Cullen finished, she actually glared at him.
"Weeks after Haven, you're sniping at me at every turn for not having known about the invasion sooner and now this happens and you're telling me it wasn't my fault? Do you want me to do my job or not?"
"Of course I- look, finding out about troop movements and an army making its way for your base is basic military scoutcraft. Finding out about this with all the possible witnesses off somewhere else is like finding a needle in a haystack! You can't be expected to work miracles! And… it's possible I was too hard on you after Haven. I was feeling emotional. We all were. We all lost people and we all suffered and it's a miracle we made it at all – well, maybe two miracles both called Stormbreaker these days. But the rest of us, we're just mere mortals doing the best we can. And you did the best you could. And you're going to keep doing it by sorting out those dossiers on Rainier and Blackwall for their Worships to read before they interrogate him. And in helping them in all sorts of other ways, ways the rest of us don't even know about, and probably shouldn't. Like you always do."
Leliana stared at him, speechless, and Varric and Bethany were also staring at him, both separately wondering how on earth Cullen had suddenly got emotionally literate. In truth, it was weeks of the lyrium support group and a sponsor, and a safe space to actually share emotions in, and realise just how many other people were also carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders, and realise just how much he'd been carrying when he didn't need to be. It wasn't remotely laid down by any means, but he'd at least realised the need to do it… and was getting surprisingly good at helping others with their own burdens.
"Curly's discovered wisdom," Varric finally said, amazed. "Who'd have thought it."
Cullen blushed, lowering his eyes and rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.
"I try," was all he said in response.
"Keep trying," Leliana said, getting to her feet, her own emotional burden also lessened, for tonight at least. "I suppose I have dossiers to compile. The night shift won't thank me but it's not like I won't be sharing the burden. Bethany, please, if you need anything, please find me. I know I'm not properly a confessor any more… but for you, I promise I will help as best I can. Only maybe not tonight or tomorrow, I fear I'll be working or recovering."
"The Nightingale has human needs, who knew," Varric quipped. "Well Sunshine, I'm not a trained Chantry sister but if you want anything, you know where to find me. In particular, if you need help explaining to the kids that their father-figure isn't any more, Uncle Varric is at your disposal."
"Thanks Varric," Bethany whispered, having been quietly dreading that very thing. "But that's likely going to have to happen first thing."
"Then I'll just have to move into your quarters, won't I, Sunshine," Varric said, shrugging. "Don't worry about me, I'll get my bed moved over there, keep out of your way, I'll be in the Great Hall during the day. But tomorrow morning, I will be there when the magelings wake up and wonder where their dad figure's gone and why Uncle Varric's here. And I will help you tell them, I promise. You are not in this alone."
Bethany could feel tears in her eyes again as she realised the things that had been weighing on her most were turning out to not be quite as big and scary as she'd thought. You're not alone, Cole had said, and while he might have meant that in the literal sense of Cullen being there, he'd probably also meant she really wasn't friendless. She still had three right here and…
If she apologised, Alistair might still talk to her as well? He had a reputation for not always being the most forgiving type… but he managed to be civil with Morrigan, wasn't actively being nasty to Loghain, had made up with Madanach after one argument, and was very patient with Maia. Odds were he'd at least talk to her.
Bethany's first attempt at trying to build a life out of the Circle had ended in utter disaster… but it turned out she still had options. She still had a chance. It might all work out yet.
Had anyone asked Alistair what parenting was like so far, he'd have said it was easy. The best thing ever. OK, maybe it was tiring, and maybe took up time he'd have rather spent on other things, but Maia was adorable and cute and mostly well-behaved, and all in all he had no regrets. Maia loved him, he loved her, and it was brilliant.
Right up until Elisif held Maia in her arms, all four of them in the Inquisitorial bed, a massive Orlesian affair with gilded dragon trimmings, and quietly told her daughter that they'd had to arrest Blackwall, because it turned out he wasn't really Blackwall at all. That the real Blackwall had died years ago and their Blackwall was really a man called Thom Rainier… who was wanted for murder in Orlais.
Elisif didn't mention children had died but she didn't need to. Alistair could only look on, horrified, as Maia's face crumpled and she burst into tears, sobbing her heart out in her mother's arms as Elisif tried her best to comfort her. And in that moment, he realised just how hard parenting could be.
"Madanach," Alistair said softly. "Any chance of getting me into the cells? I don't think I hit Blackwall hard enough."
"Yeah, sure, we can-"
"Madanach!"
Elisif was glaring at them both, before pointedly indicating the distraught child in her arms, and both men guiltily put aside thoughts of giving Blackwall a good kicking and drew nearer, Madanach stroking Maia's hair and gently kissing the top of her head.
Maia's tears eventually subsided and Alistair thought they'd weathered the worst… and then Maia lifted her head and managed to break his heart.
"Is Alistair really Alistair?" she whispered, and if Alistair had been feeling emotional before, he felt ready to cry on hearing this.
You fucking bastard, Blackw- Rainier. You just stopped my little girl trusting me.
Madanach had actually flinched, before resting his head against hers, clearly affected too, and Elisif had let out a little whimper.
"Yes, darling, he's really Alistair," Elisif whispered. "Leliana knew him in the Fifth Blight, and Varric's worked with him before. Morrigan, Loghain and Cullen all know who he is from before too. And Fiona says he's her son."
"Eventually," Madanach added, sounding tearful, which was just wrong on all levels. "Took her weeks to admit it."
That was true enough.
"I'm definitely Alistair," he said softly. "Maker knows I'd rather not be sometimes but here I am. And you know I'm Dragonborn."
Maia nodded, still rubbing her eyes, then she looked up at her mother, saw something to reassure her there, and finally turned to Alistair, staring up at him with sad, scared eyes… and then she broke away from her mother and cuddled him, not saying a word.
Alistair held her, wishing he could make it all better and take the pain away, but he couldn't. He could not make this better, no matter how he tried. But Maia was holding him, and she did seem a little less tearful, and Alistair reminded himself this was not his fault. He'd been honest. And Maia still loved him, it seemed. He might win her trust back yet.
"If you want, we can go talk to everyone who knew me before," Alistair said softly. "There's plenty of them here. They can tell you I was definitely Alistair. Cullen, Leliana, Morrigan, Varric, Mum… even Loghain. Although if we could do him last?"
Maia giggled, and Alistair felt the tension ease as he realised she wasn't completely heartbroken.
"OK," Maia whispered. "If we do Cullen first?"
Fine by him, it got it out of the way. And after breakfast, with Elisif and Madanach off to start their interview prep, Alistair took Maia and set out to do just that.
Even with Varric there, telling the girls had been awful. Just awful. Lucy had burst into tears, and Suzette's magic had set a curtain on fire. They'd put it out but… Suzette had stormed off and was now ranting to the other kids about it, and Bethany wished she could tell her she was overreacting but in all honesty Suzette's feelings weren't so far off her own. As it was, Suzette now hated Blackwall, and Lucy was just heartbroken.
Bethany had tried to build a family and all it had done was broken everybody's hearts. Including hers. Never mind the Orlesians, she was about ready to murder Blackwall herself and save them the bother. Which then made her worry she wasn't safe to be around people either.
At least her fellow mages had rallied, and both kids were being fussed over by a small army of enchanters, particularly elderly female enchanters with grandmotherly instincts going spare. And half of Skyhold must have dropped by to see how she was doing. It was all rather endearing, although Bethany could have done without Vivienne pointedly remarking this was why mages needed Circles – only other mages could really meet their needs. Bold words from someone who'd been sleeping with the Duc de Ghislain for years, but Bethany bit her tongue on that. The man had only just died, perhaps Vivienne was being influenced by her grief just a little.
But one person was conspicuous by his absence. The one whose shoulder she'd cried on only last night, and looking back, Bethany felt awkward beyond belief. Sobbing all over the Knight-Captain, what had she been thinking? Didn't matter he wasn't a Templar any more, nor she a Circle mage. She still owed him an apology.
"Yes, what is i- oh!" Cullen's face went scarlet as he saw her standing there, confirming her worst fears. Oh Maker, what had she done?
"Enchanter Hawke, forgive me, I… how is everything? Are you well? Can I get you a chair?" Cullen had recovered himself well at least, hunting about for something for her to sit on, without much success. The only other chair in the room these days was a child-sized one next to a small table with a chessboard on it – intended for Maia when she dropped round for a game. The current one had been going on for a week so far – Maia would turn up, survey the board, sit there thinking for ages, occasionally even leaving it overnight, and then run in, make a move and then dash out again. Bethany swore Maia was paying more attention to the ongoing chess games than her magical studies these days, but she seemed to both enjoy and be good at it. The current scoreline was 3-2 Cullen, but that might change.
"It's fine, thank you," Bethany said, wondering how to phrase this. Best to get it over with. "I just wanted to say thank you for last night. I hope I wasn't a bother."
"Not at all," Cullen said, sounding surprisingly gentle. "You had every right to be upset. What that man did… it's completely unacceptable. Lied to the men under his command, lied to everyone, lied to their Worships, lied to you…" He stopped for breath, shaking his head. "It's despicable. You've got every right to be angry and upset. I don't blame you at all."
Was it Bethany or was it warm in here? She could feel her cheeks heating up, and worse, feel herself getting emotional again. Damn it.
"Thank you," she said quietly. "But you don't need me crying all over you. I just wanted to apologise."
Cullen actually looked surprised, his cheeks still pink.
"You've got nothing to apologise for," Cullen said fiercely. "You needed help, and I hope I gave you that. If there's anything else you need from me, don't hesitate to ask."
"Thank you," Bethany whispered, cheeks flaming again, because what she wanted most was the physical closeness again, her skin on his, his breath on her neck, the solidity and warmth of his body against hers… Maker help her. She'd had thoughts like these before, back in the Circle, long, lingering looks after him, wondering what was underneath the armour, both physical and emotional, wondering if she was imagining him occasionally returning the furtive looks she'd been giving him. She thought she'd got over all this.
It turned out that after losing Blackwall, her brain was fixating on the ex-Knight-Captain. Again.
"You're welcome," Cullen said, voice gentle and quiet and most unlike him. An awkward pause, as both looked away, neither quite sure what to say, but neither quite willing to part company just yet… and then it was Cullen broke the silence.
"I know you're not a Circle mage any more, and Maker knows I'm never going back to the Templars again, but… you were an Enchanter in my Circle, in my charge for years, Maker, it was even me you turned yourself in to."
Bethany remembered that. She remembered the family's income plunging without Marian there, remembered being hungry, cold, her uncle glaring at her the whole time, because finding work while being apostate was difficult, to say the least. In the end, she'd decided Marian wasn't coming back, and she could serve her family best by at least not being an extra mouth to feed. She'd gone to the Gallows, heard a Fereldan accent among the Templars and seen a man not much older than her with sad, haunted eyes, and gone to him, stammering out that she was a mage but her family had never sent her to a Circle, but she was tired of running, please.
He'd had her arrested on the spot and dragged into the Circle building for a phylactery to be taken. So much for kindness. But he'd allowed her to visit home one last time and say goodbye to her mother. It had been a cruel joke of the Maker's for Marian to walk in with a fortune under her belt just as she was saying her farewells. But Bethany had few regrets, and in all honesty, much as she loved her sister, life in the Circle had let her get out from under her sister's shadow and make her own name for herself.
"I guess all I'm saying is, just because it's not my job to protect you specifically any more, doesn't mean the instinct to do it has gone away. If that makes any sense," Cullen was saying, looking acutely awkward but no less sincere for all that.
"I know. Thank you," Bethany said softly, part of her thinking she should turn it down and tell him she didn't need his protection… but there was another part of it that liked the idea and missed the sense of security the Circle had offered. Perhaps she was idealising it a bit – all right, a lot – but it had offered a warm bed, three meals a day and a sense of predictability if nothing else. She'd struggled to find that since, at least until arriving at Skyhold and finding Madanach simply taking over the surviving mages and seamlessly integrating them into the Inquisition. Having Blackwall by her side had been one more weave in the new tapestry of her life. And now it was gone and the threads were hanging loose in the breeze… and maybe trying in vain to tie themselves to part of the previous picture.
She really needed to pull herself together and let Cullen get back to work, but she found herself reluctant to move and the next few minutes could have been awkward if the door hadn't opened to reveal Alistair standing there with Maia next to him on her mabari, looking sadder than Bethany had seen for a long time, and it was odd she wasn't holding Alistair's hand or being carried by him. And then Bethany saw the pain in Alistair's eyes.
"Hello," Alistair said awkwardly. "Don't mean to interrupt but… you two both knew me before, right? Can you… can you tell Maia I'm definitely Alistair. We told her about Rainier. Now she's scared I'm not me."
Bethany forgot her own pain in that instant, seeing the forlorn expression on Maia's face and kneeling down, instinctively holding her arms out to her. And Maia slid off her mabari's back and ran to her, cuddling Bethany.
"Blackwall isn't really Blackwall!" Maia gasped tearfully. "They say his real name is Thom Rainier and they're going to ecksi-cute him!"
They might well do that – not the Inquisition, but the Orlesians didn't mess about with convicted murderers. Especially not when you'd killed a noble and his innocent family. It tore at Bethany's heart too, but given it was already in pieces from being lied to, the pain of him dying barely registered. Warden Blackwall was already dead. This was just the end of something else.
"I know," Bethany said, holding her. "He confessed, Maia. There's nothing we can do now."
"But he's my friend!" Maia wailed. "He was your boyfriend! We have to save him!"
"He's not my boyfriend any more," Bethany said firmly, and that actually helped, the pain receding as she set that boundary. "We can't save him from being executed if he definitely did it and admits it."
"Noooo!" Maia wailed, starting to cry, and then Alistair was there, a hand on Maia's back, trying to comfort her.
"It might not come to that," Alistair said quietly. "Elisif's looking at alternatives. I mean, they're not great either but he might not actually die."
Maia looked up, surprised and with hope in her eyes.
"Really?" Maia gasped. "They might not exsick-ute him?"
"Elisif might be able to talk the Orlesians out of executing him but only if we punish him instead," Alistair told her. "Not sure what it'll involve yet. But it'll have to be something horrible or the Orlesians will say no."
Maia pouted, still looking tearful, but not actually crying, and then she was looking back at Bethany.
"But Suzette and Lucy don't have a daddy any more," Maia whispered and Bethany flinched, because although neither had ever called him that, that was effectively what he'd been.
"If he doesn't end up getting hanged for his trouble, or dying some other way, he's still welcome to spend time with them – if they want to," Bethany said, knowing in her heart Suzette had burnt that particular bridge, even if Lucy was still missing him.
Maia was still pouting and then she turned to Alistair.
"Daddy, I'm sad and I don't like it and… and Blackwall's still my friend even if he's not really Blackwall!" Maia cried. And Alistair actually smiled a little at this and stroked her hair.
"And if he doesn't end up dying, you can still visit him if you like," Alistair said fondly. "I suppose he did save you. Maybe the Eight planned it that way, who knows."
Bethany still could not get used to someone talking that casually about the Eight rather than the Maker, and she could almost feel Cullen seething.
"Yes!" Maia cried, cheering up. And then she stopped, looked at Alistair and cuddled her toy frog, staring up at him, sounding very serious when she finally spoke.
"Even if you're not really Alistair, I still love you, Daddy," Maia said solemnly, and Alistair looked like he was about to cry, holding out his arms to her.
"I love you too," Alistair said as Maia cuddled him. "And I'm really Alistair. These two will tell you that too. I mean, you will, won't you?"
Alistair looked up at Bethany, and Maia joined him, watching hopefully. Bethany could reassure her on that at least.
"He's definitely Alistair," Bethany promised. "At least he was when I knew him in Kirkwall. They all said he was some sort of Fereldan prince, and it turns out he really is. He was making good money as a mercenary too. After Marian left for the Deep Roads, I even asked him if he needed an assistant. Thought he might need a mage as back up. He told me he didn't need charity from a Hawke. Honestly, I was hoping for a share of the coin."
Alistair had the grace to look awkward on hearing this.
"I'm sorry," he said, clearly remembering this. "I was a complete ass, and I really could have done with a mage healer at my back. But you went to the Circle not long after and I was left kicking myself. Too late then. But… if you still want that Tamrielic visa, I can still get you that. Mara knows you could do with a new start somewhere else. Somewhere mages can work for who they like."
"What, really?" Bethany gasped. "Even after last night? I didn't think you'd be talking to me still."
"Why wouldn't I talk to you?" Alistair said, surprised. "It's not your fault your boyfriend killed a load of people then went on the run and lied about who he was. But I was the one got your boyfriend arrested, you had every right to be upset with me. Are you… still talking to me?"
Bethany felt herself smiling, feeling one worry leaving her as she realised her life was not over yet. With or without Blackwall, she still had a future ahead of her… and she still had a friend in Alistair.
"Yes," Bethany said, no reservation whatsoever. "I know Fereldans are only supposed to show affection to their dogs and be unswervingly stoic around everyone else but… did you want a hug?"
Alistair beamed and held out his arms, and Bethany went into them, feeling happier and more secure already. Why couldn't things be this straightforward with other people? Such as Cullen, for example. Why couldn't she ask him for a hug and just get one back without it feeling weird?
It rankled, and all the more so because as she let Alistair go, she saw Cullen glaring at him. But the expression was soon hidden, and Maia seemed excited enough, running to cuddle Alistair, her previous reticence gone, it seemed.
"You believe I'm definitely me then," Alistair said, grinning at her. Maia nodded, but she glanced at Cullen.
"You knew Cullen before too," Maia said. "You said you shared a room with him in Templar School."
"It's not called Templar School," Alistair told her, grinning. "But yeah, we shared a room. I bet he was glad when I left."
"That's one way of putting it," Cullen remarked. "Let's just say it was a relief to transfer to the barracks proper and have people who were actually serious about being Templars around me. I had doubts about his Andrastian faith even back then. It's no surprise he's gone full on convert to the Tamrielic Eight. I'm just looking forward to hearing him driving the priests of the Eight up the wall too. Let me know who the Tamrielic Divine is, after she's spent five minutes in his company, she and Brother Bernard will have a lot to talk about."
Bethany had to laugh at that and Maia giggled too, and Alistair didn't even bother getting offended. He just smiled.
"Oh, they don't have a Divine. The Emperor is Defender of the Faith. So really, I'm already married to her. She doesn't seem to mind."
"Maker's Breath," Cullen sighed. Alistair grinned, and picked Maia up, ready to move on.
"All right, who shall we do next," Alistair said. "Shall we find Morrigan? You can play with Kieran if you like."
Maia definitely liked that idea, and with the dog also barking and seeming pleased, Alistair left, and Bethany got up, feeling lighter in her heart at least. Alistair had that effect.
Of course, that still left her with the remnants of a family to try and put back together. Would they want to go to Tamriel still? Lucy in particular would likely still want Blackwall around. Maker help her. Her attempts at giving the girls a family had ended as a complete disaster.
Then the other door burst open and Bethany's own arrived. Specifically, Hawke, looking out of breath and clearly having heard the news.
"Bethany!" Hawke cried. "I heard about Blackw- well, he's not Blackwall, is he, he's a wanted criminal, I got the story off Varric. Are you all right?"
Of course not, but Bethany was an adult, Bethany would cope, Bethany didn't need her big sister to sort this out for her, and Bethany was fully intending to say all this… but what she found herself doing was shaking her head and reaching out, and then she was in her sister's arms, crying.
And Marian Hawke held her sister in her arms, heedless of Cullen awkwardly looking on, letting her cry it out, and after a few minutes, Bethany dried her eyes and looked up.
"Why am I so hopeless at this," Bethany whispered.
"Because you're a Hawke," Hawke said patiently. "It's what we do! Gravitate to dangerous people with pasts and make terrible romantic decisions. At least yours only killed a few people. Mine blew up half a city."
"Don't we know it," Cullen could be heard muttering. Hawke ignored him, and Bethany really didn't have it in her to worry about Anders at this point.
"I know, but… I only ever wanted to be normal!" Bethany whispered. "It was why I joined the Circle, it was a normal life for a mage. Now we've got Elisif saying mages shouldn't be shut away from everyone else, and should have families if they want and… I just wanted to settle down with a husband and kids. And now it's ruined. Lucy's heartbroken, Suzette's barely speaking to me, and… Blackwall's gone and all I have left is this man Rainier who's wanted for murder! And I don't know what to do. Everyone's staring at me! Most of them are kind, but some of them hate me!"
Hawke growled a little, before turning to Cullen.
"Commander. Do you want people turning up dead? If not, I suggest you put a stop to people abusing Bethany. It's not her fault!"
"I know that! I- yes, I'll put the word out that anyone harassing Bethany might end up in the cells themselves. It's for Their Worships to decide Blackwall's fate, it's not for Inquisition people to exact justice themselves. Betha – Enchanter, if anyone is giving you trouble, you let me know at once. Did you need guards?"
"No, I don't think so, but thank you," Bethany whispered, her worries easing just a bit on knowing Cullen had her back. "I just wish I could do more for the girls. They thought they were getting a family again, and now they're not. They're not reacting well at all. I suppose it's a mercy he's not their real father."
"I suppose it is," Hawke said thoughtfully. "But that gives me an idea. I mean, they lost their father figure but they must have real parents out there. An- my sources tell me the Inquisition's already reunited several mages with their families. Why not do that with your two? They'll get over Rainier-Blackwall soon enough if we get them their real mum and dad. Cullen, you were a Kirkwall Templar, you must have something on their families, right?"
That had not occurred to Bethany at all, but the more she thought about it, the better an idea it sounded. She didn't know a lot – even enchanters weren't told much about their apprentices' lives before, and neither child remembered a lot. Lucy remembered the tree from the alienage and playing with lots of siblings and being happy. Suzette didn't talk about her family much at all, but had fond memories of feeding the seagulls on Kirkwall docks. It wasn't a lot to go on. But the Templars would have had files, and Bethany hoped Cullen remembered bringing them in. Or maybe one of the other Kirkwall Templars did.
Cullen saw the hope in her eyes and shifted uneasily, and did he not want to help or maybe he couldn't? He did however nod, affirming he did indeed remember, but his next words dashed her hopes.
"Yes – but it's not a good idea. Not for Suzette. Her real father died and her mother remarried, and her magic manifested by killing her stepfather. I can imagine what prompted that. Anyway, her mother handed her over to us, making it very clear she was glad to get rid of her. She had bruises and marks – we had to get a healer mage in to heal her first. Your name was suggested at first, but I said no. I thought I should spare you that, it was distressing enough for us all. I think her mother's still in Kirkwall, but I'm not reuniting them. Suzette deserves better. As for Lucy… her parents had four other kids in one small house in the alienage, they couldn't feed them all. Her father had tears in his eyes leaving her with us, but I don't think he had a choice in the end. He seemed relieved she'd be safe and have three meals a day. Seemed to think she'd have a better life. Maybe he's right… but we could look. I can write to Aveline if you like, see if they're still in the city. But a lot of the elves left with Merrill. No one's heard from them since. But I think Varric would know how to get in contact."
"Who doesn't Varric know how to get hold of," Hawke quipped. "I'll talk to him. It's definitely something. What do you think, Bethany, think Lucy might not be so upset if we gave her back to her real parents? Merrill could train her."
Hopefully not in blood magic. But other elven mages had left the Circle and gone with Merrill rather than her. There'd be several voices of reason to teach her other things. It could definitely work – for Lucy anyway. But Suzette… no wonder the girl had trust issues. She'd never seemed to cry over her birth family in the Circle, or talk about them at all. Not a surprise now, hearing that. And now Blackwall had let her down too, and Bethany had no idea what to do.
Well. She could talk to Varric at least. Maybe one of her girls could be happy. And if Suzette was angry and not minded to forgive him, those were feelings she could share.
A/N: Definitely potential Bethany/Cullen there. I wasn't really going to find her a new relationship quite yet, but one thing Cullen has in his favour is that Bethany knows he is who he says he is, which is a plus for her right now. It could work out.
Poor little Maia though, literally no one has actually lied to her outright in her life before. She knows adults might be wrong or not know everything (on an intellectual level anyway, in practice she's still a bit surprised when people don't), but she's never really encountered people outright telling her untruths before. Not to that level anyway.
Next chapter is Blackwall's interrogation and sentencing... and the Reachfolk remembering that despite all this, they do owe Blackwall a life debt for Maia. Some people are willing to bend rules to honour that.