Well hello and Happy New Year! I hope everyone has been doing well! I've got another long-ass chapter for you haha! Totally unintentional (I think)...Based on some past comments I've had, I fear that some people may not like some of what's in this chapter. Sorry about that :S I really try not to irritate you with the content but sometimes I can't help it XD. I'm annoying like that I guess.
Thank you so much for reading the last chapter and commenting if you did so. I am going to respond to your reviews as soon as I've posted this update. Not sure if that problem with PM notifications not getting sent out is still ongoing but hopefully it's been fixed now.
Hope you enjoy the chapter / Don't hate it so much you decide not to read what comes next!
Peace and Love in 2020 :D
-Jaydee
~Fifty-One~
Surprise paired with a little bit of renewed optimism were the feelings that were shared amongst the group when Zack met up with Aerith, Tifa, Rayna, and Reno in the early morning hours of New Years Day at 7th Heaven. Zack had been eager to share with them what he'd learned from Galen and that he'd seen Cloud for a brief few seconds. Tifa was also excited to relay her short encounter she'd had with him and particularly the way he'd interacted in those few moments. Zack had mixed feelings over learning Cloud had recovered some more memories from before the mansion. He felt relieved, of course…it was something he'd wished for his friend, even when he knew it would mean that Cloud would know he'd lied to him about his past, but he couldn't help feeling sad. He hated the thought of not being present when Cloud recovered the precious things he'd lost.
Johnny had made brief contact with Rayna through text messaging around two in the morning but no one had heard anything else from him until he appeared in person at about 5 a.m., still dressed in the server uniform from the night before. He told them he'd come straight from Rufus's room in the hotel where the event had been held.
"What the hell took so long?" Rayna asked him when he'd arrived at the bar.
"Coffee please," he said tiredly, ignoring Rayna's question. He took a seat at the table they were convened at and Tifa went behind the bar to fill a mug for him.
"Thought we were going to have to send a search party," Zack commented. "You weren't answering our messages," he added.
"Phone died around three," Johnny told him.
"Well you'll have about a thousand texts to read when you get it turned on again," Zack told him.
"We're dying to know what Rufus wanted to talk to you about," Tifa said when she handed him the coffee he'd asked for. "Guess he still has no intention of turning us in for that little mini kidnapping incident in Gold Saucer."
"Apparently," Johnny confirmed. "He contracted me," he said then after taking a quick sip of the coffee.
"To do what?" Zack asked.
Johnny looked from him to Reno where his gaze stayed fixed.
"Why are you looking at me?" Reno questioned. Johnny didn't reply right away and instead appeared to be contemplating. "What? It's about me?" Reno guessed.
"Not really," Johnny said.
"Hey, if he hired you to be his secret bedtime buddy I don't care," the ex-Turk quipped.
"What is it?" Rayna inquired impatiently.
"This can't leave this room," Johnny said. "No chatting about it with past Shinra associates," he added, looking at both Reno and then Zack.
"Why? What's the contract for? A hit on the president?" Reno joked.
Johnny tilted his head and gave an expression of confirmation that drew expected reactions of confusion and surprise.
"No way," Reno responded with doubt then and Zack spoke quickly after him.
"That makes no sense, in Gold Saucer he said—"
"I know," Johnny cut him off. "Things have changed apparently. He said his father gifted him back his inheritance after he was able to secure dealings with a company Shinra's been wanting to do business with for some time. Some trade thing that's going to make them a bunch more billions. Plus, Strife's presence in Midgar has apparently put him and a bunch of other people in a pretty good mood."
There was silence as they all took in the information then Zack spoke through a long exhale. "So, if something happens to the president, Rufus would actually get control of the company, assuming the man's not just screwing with him?" he questioned and Johnny gave a shrug followed by a short nod.
"After the official paperwork goes through, supposedly." He looked Reno's way once more. "You don't have a problem with any of this, do you?"
Reno scoffed. "Not really. I hardly even know him and I'm not working for him anymore so what do I care what happens to him?"
"You can't say anything to any of your friends there, you got it?" Johnny spoke firmly and he nodded.
"I get it. I'm just curious now whether Rufus talked to Tseng about this or not," Reno told him.
"Well, you can stay curious," Johnny replied.
"You aren't going to do it," Rayna said then to him.
"Is there a reason I shouldn't?" he questioned back.
"You can't trust him, how do you even know he's serious?" she argued.
"He already paid me a retainer," Johnny said. "What's the problem?" he asked then, noting the clear air of apprehension in the room. "No one here likes the guy right?"
"Did you talk about what would happen to Cloud?" Aerith asked him when the other's stayed quiet.
"A little," he replied. "More so what would happen to the Science Department. There's some legal and financial crap that would need dealt with before Strife could actually be released. He wouldn't really get into it."
"So, then it's possible nothing could change for Cloud," Zack pointed out.
"He said he wants to get rid of Hojo, so there's that," Johnny said, and Zack knew that should make him happy but it wasn't enough. "Anyway, he's going to keep me updated," Johnny concluded. He looked at Tifa, tilting his chin up at her. "You get to talk to him?" he asked, referring to Cloud and she smiled.
"I did. For a moment," she confirmed. "Before he was being dragged away. It was bizarre though. That guy, Rand, gave me a card and told me to call him to make an appointment if I wanted to see Cloud."
"Did you call?" was Johnny's next question.
She shook her head then. "I'm sure he was just trying to get rid of me," she explained. "Pretty sure he wouldn't actually be willing to set up that appointment. Even if there was an appointment, I'm sure it would be supervised." As much as she liked imagining the thought of seeing Cloud again, no matter the time or place, it seemed unlikely the company would allow it.
"You should call," Johnny told her. So far only Reno had been bold enough to make the same suggestion. Doing something like that was obviously a risk. Zack would do it, no matter what the risk but he was sure he was on a no-admittance list. He was thinking the same as Johnny and Reno but wasn't going to pressure Tifa into it, even if he wanted to.
Tifa scoffed at Johnny's suggestion. "Trust me," she said, "the look on the guy's face when Cloud spoke to me said it all. He wasn't expecting it, and he sure didn't like it. Besides, what if it's some kind of test, or trap?" The final comment had Johnny giving her a look that she read to mean she was acting stupid or cowardly and she quickly took offense to it. "What? You think being careful is stupid? Sorry I'm not running off unarmed into a hotel room to plot an assassination of the president of Shinra." Johnny rolled his eyes at her comment. "He could have had you arrested and then everyone would know who you are and you'd be screwed, you know that?" she spoke heatedly.
"Pretty sure we've all been on the verge of being screwed for awhile," Johnny retorted.
She couldn't really argue that. He certainly wasn't wrong but even if he was right and she was just afraid of what would happen if she actually did call the number she'd been given, she was still irritated and decided to leave the room, saying she was going to get breakfast started. Aerith went to help her and after sending a disapproving look Johnny's way, Rayna decided to join them as well.
"That's a hard one," Reno spoke up then when it was just him, Johnny and Zack left alone. The others looked at him in question. "Do you apologize if she takes offense to your facial expression even though you didn't actually say anything?"
"It's pretty simple," Johnny said in return. "If she's mad, you apologize." He looked like he was about to get up then, maybe to do that exact thing but Reno stopped him.
"Hey, what else did you and Rufus talk about? That conversation about taking out the president couldn't have gone on that long," he pointed out.
"Nothing important," Johnny said.
Reno looked back at him skeptically. "You talked about nothing important for like three or more hours?"
"Yeah, it happens when someone's drunk and lonely," Johnny answered him.
"You know what else happens," Reno teased.
Johnny ignored the comment then and looked at Zack. "How'd it go with Galen? Get anything useful out of him?"
"Yeah, maybe," Zack said through a long exhale. "He was surprisingly forthcoming."
"Good news?"
"I…think so?" Zack said at first but shrugged then. "I don't even know to tell you the truth. He had some good ideas about how to fix some of what was done to Cloud, but I still don't know how to make it happen really," he concluded. Johnny nodded but Reno spoke up.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, we'd need doctors, surgeons, a place to actually do what needs to be done. A place for him to recover. I just…I dunno. Might need Galen as well. Just seems like a lot, you know," he explained.
"He did seem like he'd be willing to help," Johnny told him then.
"Rufus?" Zack asked and Johnny responded with a slight nod. "Yeah, maybe. I have a hard time trusting the asshole after everything." Switching topics then he said, "I really don't like the idea of you taking that contract."
"Well, it's not your decision," Johnny stated.
"How would you even do it?" Reno asked. "You know how many people have tried over the years?"
"No," Johnny replied. "I don't care either. It's early still. I'll figure it out. Don't worry about it," he said. He turned his attention to Zack once more. "You wish you'd gone to the gala instead?" he asked and Zack shook his head.
"No, I ended up getting to see Cloud for a second at headquarters. Passed right by him and Rand in the building and the jerk had no clue."
"What about Strife?"
"He noticed," he said with a sigh. "That was really hard, leaving without him. But Tseng's right. I'm way over my head thinking I could take care of him right now. I hate it." He glanced toward the doors that led to the kitchen then. "I asked Galen about what happened to Cloud the last few months," he explained. "I haven't said anything to them yet," he added, speaking of the girls. "Rand really screwed with his head a lot, before they even put the implant in. Whatever he said and did, Cloud ended up having some kind of mental breakdown. They think he tried to kill himself. Tseng already mentioned it sort of, and that they treated him 'aggressively.' He didn't say how though. Galen told me it involved a lot of drugs and ECT."
"Like that shock therapy shit?" Reno asked and he nodded.
"Galen said it was Rand's treatment plan but he thinks the guy was a big factor in Cloud needing to have it at all. Also…" He looked once more toward the kitchen before continuing. "Maybe you were right after all," he said to Reno. "Cloud said something that sounded like Rand may have messed with him, you know, like you were thinking before," he tried to explain without outright spelling it out. Reno still got what he was saying. "He didn't really say anything specific but he said Rand had had him in his personal suite at some point. Rand's explanation to Hojo was something to do with giving him spatial and mental stimulation."
"That still sounds gross," Reno argued.
"I just wanna fucking kill that guy," Zack stated. "I don't know exactly what he's done, or still doing, I just know when Galen said Cloud had hurt himself…that things had gotten so bad he'd tried to just end it…I really just wanted to beat his head in. I went to the apartment where he's apparently been staying with Cloud and I actually think I might have done it if Tseng hadn't been there already."
"Why was he there?" Reno asked fast.
"Stealing files off Rand's computer," Zack said with a smirk that Reno mirrored.
"Anyway," Zack said. "Probably for the best, I suppose. "Tseng did say Cloud doesn't seem to be in any 'distress' or anything…Kunsel kind of said the same thing too…and he didn't look like he was when I saw him so…"
"Well regardless of that," Reno said. "That guy's still going to get his," Reno assured him then. "No doubt about that."
000
Most of what Tseng had downloaded from Rand's computer the night of the New Years party, was encrypted and he simply didn't have the skill or the energy to deal with it so he had to outsource to someone outside Shinra to decode the files and he was using his personal money to pay for it. Something he owed anyway he supposed…
Luckily, some of the more recent videos from the Gongaga facility were not encrypted and thus were easily viewable. Not so easily viewed however. They weren't easy to watch. The clips ran in hour long segments and were from surveillance in what looked like the medical area of the facility. From what he could tell, Cloud had spent his last days leading up to the implant surgery, about a week and a half of time, restrained, strapped to a hospital bed and largely left alone. He was administered drugs intravenously multiple times a day and when time came for the electroconvulsive therapy to be carried out, the equipment was wheeled into the room and Rand administered it himself with help from one or two of Hojo's assistants.
It was surprisingly organized and quiet. Cloud was given anesthetic prior to the rounds and thus wasn't conscious when the seizures were induced in his brain. There were small movements in his limbs but it wasn't a violent display one could imagine. Violent or not, he still seemed to find the treatment distressing when he was conscious. He fought his restraints and begged and pleaded not to have more of the treatment. It appeared to make him severely sick to his stomach and confused. It wasn't difficult to see he was terrified.
The treatment must have done what it was supposed to, however. In the last days before the surgery he was much calmer and quieter. He spent many hours asleep. Comments were made between Galen and Hojo about how the Seraph strain had been recovering. Cloud, having seemed scared and combative previously, seemed at first glance to be accepting of the upcoming procedure. What Tseng could hear from Cloud however as he spoke quietly to Hojo or Rand was that he actually must not have known what was coming at that point. Rand had spoke of the amnesia the ECT had caused and it was evident in those final clips. He asked why he was there and what was going on. They asked of the last thing he recalled and he had trouble doing even that. Hojo told him he was very sick. Rand went further, telling him his life was in danger and he needed a surgical procedure to save his life. He seemed to accept what he was told. He questioned them about what it was he was sick with and what the procedure would be but they were evasive in answering and the following day he didn't seem to have recalled the conversation at all anyway.
Tseng didn't have a lot of hours to go over the clips he had access to and he wasn't really wishing he did. He certainly didn't enjoy watching them. He needed to do it though and at least he'd have evidence should legal action eventually be carried out against the Science Department. He wondered just how that might affect him if that day came. What consequences he would face for his own part in all of it.
A knocking at his office door was a welcomed interruption. He clicked closed the video clip he'd been viewing and called for whoever was outside the room to enter. Kunsel opened the door and had with him a leather messenger bag.
"Good afternoon," Tseng greeted.
"Hi," Kunsel said back. "I have the books you asked for," he announced.
"Oh, good," Tseng said, sliding his chair back from his desk to stand. "Thank you, that was quick," he added. He called Kunsel only just that morning to ask him if he wouldn't mind collecting a list of reference materials he intended to deliver to Rand to pass along to Cloud.
While he was secretly, or semi-secretly working to free Cloud from Shinra, until there was a reasonable plan in place to do it, the current company plan to have Cloud prepared to be on missions with SOLDIER in the near future was still in motion. The procedure for his training and education would be quite different from that of the others in the program, however. Normally, a new recruit's training was arranged and handled almost entirely within the program and by the program directors and other senior members of SOLDIER but Cloud's case was different. Hojo and the president wanted to expedite as much of the process as possible and wanted it handled by a specific team of people. The team so far was him. He was going to be selecting who within SOLDIER he'd be requesting to assist. Rather, he'd essentially already made the determination who would be the first addition to his team of one but hadn't informed the officer yet.
"No problem," Kunsel said as he handed the bag over to Tseng who took a quick glance inside to see if anything was missed.
"It would have taken much longer for me to hunt them down myself," Tseng told him.
"What do you need them for?" Kunsel inquired.
"They're for Cloud to read," the man answered and Kunsel gave something of a scoff.
"Right," he said. "They're really dedicated to this whole charade, huh?" he spoke bitterly and Tseng gave him something of a cautioning look. Kunsel put his hands up in front of him. "Hey, whatever," he said and turned to leave. "I guess if there's anything else you need…"
"Actually," Tseng called to him, making him pause. "He's going to need a mentor," he said and although he didn't immediately realize what Tseng was telling him Kunsel's mouth fell open slightly in obvious shock when the realization finally came.
"That's not—" Kunsel started to say something in return, shaking his head. Tseng interrupted him softly.
"I can't do it. I'm not a SOLDIER," the man said as he sat down on the edge of his desk. "He has to learn from someone who is."
Kunsel looked out into the hall before stepping back into the room and shutting the door. He crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned back against it.
"I think that's a bad idea," he stated softly.
"Why?" the Turk questioned.
"There's no way I can be impartial," he claimed.
"I don't want you to be," Tseng told him and he released a dry incredulous laugh. "I think the person who should work with him should know him and his journey."
"His journey, wow," Kunsel replied as he tilted his head to look up at the ceiling. "That's, uh, that's a word…"
"I need you for this," Tseng stated then, bringing his attention back.
"I just…" Kunsel said slowly. "I don't think it should be me," he said and Tseng nodded slowly.
"Do you think it should be anyone else?" he asked then and watched as Kunsel thought about it.
"Yeah, I can think of someone," Kunsel said back and Tseng smiled, knowing he was talking about Zack. Kunsel exhaled long and deep then. "Alright," he said in acceptance.
"Thank you," Tseng spoke gratefully. "I'll be in touch with details," he said. Kunsel forced a tight smile before heading out the door.
Alone again in his office, Tseng looked at the leather bag Kunsel had brought him and decided it was as good a time as any to make the trip up to Cloud and Rand's apartment. He hadn't seen them since New Year's Eve a few nights prior. He took the chance they'd be at the apartment, although he couldn't be certain until he checked. He had only just reached the door when he heard the sound of it unlocking. As it opened, he found Cloud standing ready to greet him.
"Hello, sir," he said politely, surprising him a little.
"Hi Cloud," Tseng replied with a nod. "Were you heading out?" he asked and Cloud shook his head.
"I saw you coming," he said.
"Oh," was Tseng's somewhat uneasy reply. It was easy to forget what Cloud was capable of. "Is Rand here?" he asked then.
"No, sir," Cloud said in return.
"You're alone?"
"Yes, sir," Cloud confirmed.
"Where did Rand go?" Tseng questioned, finding it a little surprising that Rand was actually willing to leave him alone since the man had kept him so close while in public.
"A meeting," he was told.
He knew Rand wasn't likely to be pleased if he discovered him in there with Cloud but he couldn't pass up the opportunity he had to speak with him alone finally. "May I come in?" he asked.
Although Cloud did seem a little hesitant, after a second he stepped back from the door and spoke a soft, "Yes, sir."
When Tseng had sat down on the couch in the living area he realized Cloud still hadn't moved from his place near the door.
"Why don't you sit down?" he suggested. "I have something to give you," he added, putting the leather bag onto the coffee table in front of him. Slowly Cloud came to sit on the matching lounge chair adjacent to him. There was what looked like a stack of laminated index cards lying facedown on the seat cushion that he picked up and held onto when he sat down. "How are you?" Tseng asked him then.
"Okay," Cloud replied with no real thought. His eyes were on the bag on the table. He seemed curious.
"You have one of the nicest suites in the tower," Tseng told him "It has one of the best views."
"Yes," Cloud agreed as he looked toward the windows that gave the view Tseng spoke up.
"How do you like being back in the city?" he asked next but he could see Cloud was struggling to answer. He had asked him previously similar such questions when Rand had been present and the man had answered for him. He thought now he may actually get a real answer. "You remember being here before don't you?" he inquired.
"Yes, sir," he agreed. "I…" He sat in silence then for a second. "I don't know," he said finally with a small nervous-seeming smile.
"It's okay," Tseng told him, giving him a reassuring smile back. "Do you remember when you were with Genesis in the school, in that small town outside the city and I came to find you?" he asked. It was something he'd wanted to talk to him about for some time. "It was a while ago," he added.
"Yes," Cloud agreed. He hadn't had to think long about it.
"Do you remember what happened between you and I there?" was his following inquiry. Cloud lowered his eyes then. He looked at the index cards he was holding and turning slowly in his hands.
"The sword..." he spoke quietly after a moment.
"Yes," Tseng confirmed. "Did you ever tell anyone what happened?" he asked and Cloud looked up at him again.
"I don't remember telling anyone," he said and Tseng smiled at him again.
"That's good," he told Cloud. "I would actually like it if you didn't," he told him and Cloud nodded at him, seeming to understand.
"I won't," he said.
"Thank you," Tseng replied and he received a polite 'You're welcome' in return. "What do you have there," he asked Cloud, gesturing to the cards in his hand. Cloud held them still in his hands and looked down at them. He didn't say anything. Instead, he held them out to Tseng, offering for him to see them for himself.
He flipped the card stack over and found a headshot photo of the executive director of SOLDIER. The photo had a thick green border around it and there was a brief paragraph of information under it, listing some basic biographical and professional details. He glanced up at Cloud before fanning the cards out to scan them. Each card had a photo and a description on it. Most were people from within Shinra but there were some individuals from allied or competing companies. Executives, businessmen, SOLDIERs, Turks, members of the Science Department. There were cards for people Cloud had everyday contact with as well as those he'd probably not met yet. While the majority of the cards had green borders around the photos there were red borders around a small quantity. He located his own photo card fitted with a green border.
"What do the red and green colours mean?" he asked Cloud who leaned forward and craned his neck a little to look at the cards. Tseng reached them toward him and Cloud pointed at his photo that he had his thumb on.
"Good card," he said of his card with the green border. "Bad card," he said, moving his finger to one of the red-bordered photos.
When Tseng considered whose photos were bordered in red, he supposed it made sense. It was very simplistic, of course. The red seemed basically designated for company competition, recently terminated or disgruntled former employees, and some known violent protestors that the company had had problems with in the past. But there was one that stood out. He pulled it from the deck and showed it to Cloud who looked at it for only a moment before lowering his eyes.
"You know him," he said and Cloud nodded. "Why is he a bad card?" he asked.
"He can't be trusted," was Cloud's quiet reply, still with his eyes averted elsewhere.
Tseng looked at the short description under the photo. Zackary Fair. Former First Class SOLDIER. Current Status: Civilian. Former research participant in human enhancement study under the Shinra Science Department. Sustained near-fatal injuries in active duty in Nibelheim. Incurred irreversible brain damage and developed psychosis due to mako exposure. Has exhibited past unpredictable, manipulative and violent behaviours. Suffers intermittent delusions and hallucinations.
"Why not?" he asked Cloud after he read the description. "Because of what it says on this card?"
"He's a liar," was Cloud's answer that didn't really answer his question. The card didn't specifically mention lying, but he supposed reading between the lines would suggest as much. He didn't think that's why Cloud believed it though. There must have been more he was told or convinced of.
He took a deep breath then and placed the cards facedown on the coffee table. "A lot of people lie. It doesn't make them bad," he pointed out.
"He did things," Cloud told him vaguely.
"What did he do?" Tseng asked but Cloud didn't seem to be willing or able to answer that. "Listen," he said. "I know maybe you can't understand this right now but sometimes things that you may be told are bad...there could be a reason behind them that means they aren't actually bad and things that you may be told are okay or are good could actually be bad. You know what I'm talking about?"
Cloud seemed almost overwhelmed by the statement but he did nod his head slowly.
"I know," he said, agreeing with him. "But I…I can't, in my head, what happened…"
Tseng could see how incredibly hard it was for him to try to put to words what he was trying to get out. It had him wondering if Cloud maybe actually knew or understood more than he seemed to, maybe even more now than a few weeks ago when he'd seen him in Gongaga. In the facility Hojo and Rand had talked openly about his brain implant in front of him and because he hadn't reacted to the conversation, Tseng had assumed he had no idea they were talking about him. It was highly probable, given what he'd seen in the videos pre-surgery that Cloud didn't know he was going to receive the implant when he went into the surgery, but that didn't mean he hadn't been told after. Maybe he was able to recognize something had been changed in him, or he could sense it somehow. Rand had said in the facility it was hard to know what was really going on in his head.
He turned suddenly then and looked back towards the door, the explanation he was trying to give, fading away to be forgotten for now.
"He's coming back," he said and Tseng followed his line of sight for a second.
"Rand?" he asked, and Cloud nodded.
"He's in the elevator," he stated.
"Okay, well," Tseng said as he turned his attention to the bag he'd brought with him to the apartment. "I have some books for you," he told Cloud as he opened the bag up and took the books out. "They're things that you should know for SOLDIER," he informed him as he slid the reference texts toward him on the table. "Some of it you may actually remember from the SOLDIER Academy," he added. "Or not," he went on. "Not sure how much, if any, of that you do remember." He watched as Cloud ran his hand over the book on top of the small stack, almost as though he were trying to read it through its cover. As he came to a stand Cloud looked up at him.
"Thank you, sir," he said and it seemed like more than just manners that time.
"If you ever have something you want to talk about," he spoke down to Cloud in a gentle tone. "You can talk to me. I won't tell anyone about it, understand?" It was probably a pointless offer, given Cloud wasn't capable of attaching any emotion to memory, which meant what he said was probably going to seem meaningless to him in a few short hours, if it meant anything now.
Cloud nodded in response and Tseng smiled at him before taking the now emptied messenger bag and heading to the door. As he exited the apartment into the hall, he could see Rand emerging from the elevator a short distance away. He called to the man, asking if he wouldn't mind holding the doors for him and Rand did so with a look of question.
"I was just speaking with Cloud," he told Rand before the man could actually ask about it. "I was delivering some books to him. Reference material for SOLDIER," he explained.
"I see," Rand said, still holding the elevator doors as Tseng passed by him to enter the car. "You could have just dropped them off to me in my office," he pointed out. "I would have made sure he got them."
"It was no trouble," was all Tseng said to him in return, pretending to hear the man's words as an apology for any possible inconvenience and not what his words were actually saying, that he just didn't want anyone talking to Cloud when he wasn't in earshot. "Good day, Doctor," he bid him farewell while hitting the button inside the car to close the elevator doors.
000
Cloud thought about Tseng's words as he lay in bed that evening listening to the sound of Rand brushing his teeth in the attached bathroom. He lay on his side with his eyes fixed on the water glass atop the side table next to him. He stared at the water remaining inside. He'd half drained the vessel while swallowing down a pill that Rand had given him. As the minutes and seconds had passed he could feel his body getting weaker, or softer, like he couldn't make his muscles contract fully. He was waiting to find out what was going to happen. Rand had said some things…and he thought he should be able to know what he meant by them but it had been confusing trying to decipher what words and actions could really mean.
He believed it couldn't have always been so hard for him to decide the meaning of something or to understand what was going on. It had to be a side effect of the brain surgery he'd had that he couldn't remember or anything in the recent weeks leading up to it. He wasn't like other people around him. Like Rand. The man just knew things. He knew the answer to any question without having to think long about it. He never got confused, not the way he did. He knew that what Tseng had said must be true. Things are not always the things he knows them to be. Good doesn't always mean good. Bad isn't always bad. Even Rand said, a friend isn't always a friend… he said Tifa wasn't what he remembered…
In their apartment, a shower didn't always just mean a shower and going to bed didn't always mean they were going to sleep. He knew that things weren't always just one thing, but he didn't know how to tell with consistent surety when they were or not. Or how to know why someone else did something. The reasons. Why did Rand give him the strange pill he hadn't seen before? Rand didn't give him pills before he went to sleep. Why did he need it? Something was different.
He was still staring at the water glass when Rand finished in the bathroom, shut off the lights and got into bed. The man asked him in the darkness if he was okay and he said yes. Asked if he was comfortable. He was. In those first moments in the dark he found himself ready to drift into sleep immediately. He didn't need more than a few minutes on any night. He listened though to the familiar sound of a cap on a plastic bottle being clicked open and Rand rubbing his hands together and knew they weren't going to sleep just yet. He knew what would normally have occurred then, but again, it was different that night. There was the pill…
For a few moments while the man lay close to him all Rand did was caress him slowly and place kisses onto his upper back and shoulders. The man touched one of the thicker of the old scars he had, just gently brushing his fingertips over it.
"The skin between these scars is so soft," he spoke quietly. "It's hard not to find every part of you so beautiful," the man whispered into the back of his neck. He reached between their naked bodies and from what the man was doing Cloud was finally able to see what was coming. And he finally understood Rand's words earlier…what he'd said while watching him taking the pill he'd been given. He wanted to make sure he was able to be relaxed. He did feel that way. Light and heavy at the same time.
The man was slow and careful with his movements as if it were the first time. It wasn't his first time. Not the first time period but also not the first time with Rand. It had been a near daily occurrence for their hands or mouths to be on each other, either in the shower or in bed at night. Most of the time it was Rand doing things to him but the man asked for things in return because, as Rand had explained, that's how a relationship is. They were contractually tied to each other. It was like a marriage. And while they were in that marriage they needed to have a good relationship, and a good relationship relied on a simple principle of give and take and intimacy was a part of that. Rand was giving to him constantly so, the man pointed out, he was right to expect things in return. Rand wanted him to do the things for him that Rand had done even if he hadn't specifically asked for those things. But he supposed he needed them or was supposed to have them. He could question it, but it was hard to know one way or the other whether he really did or not.
Rand told him that he needed sexual release. That it was a natural part of living and he was at an age when that should be a normal part of daily life. The man had been driving release from him orally and with his hands almost daily but that was all. The night of the New Years Gala, however, something else happened, something he couldn't remember ever having done before with Rand. It had been in the shower barely a half hour after they'd gotten back from the party and it had been sudden and very brief. The man had pinned him at the one wall and intercourse had followed.
A lot had happened in a short amount of time. He had seen Tifa at the party and not long after, he'd seen Zack as well. He thought. It had only been for a moment and he could only wonder why he was there. He wasn't supposed to be. He wasn't supposed to really think about Zack at all…he didn't even try to, but he couldn't shut out the thoughts. He wondered if Tifa would know why Zack had been in the building. Rand had said he'd be able to talk to her but then he'd said he couldn't. He had to repeat to himself again now that things could be more than one thing at the same time. A shower could be a shower, and it could be a place where other things occurred…a person could say one thing and at the same time say something entirely different. He must have known this once, and before the surgery he must have been better at reading people and situations. Then maybe he would understand what had led to Rand pushing him into the shower wall so that he could have sex with him in a way he hadn't before. He didn't know what he was supposed to do so he hadn't moved. Hadn't done anything. Almost immediately afterwards, Rand was crying and saying something about drinking too much and not knowing what he was doing.
That was a few days earlier and Rand was penetrating him again now while he lay on his side, still not knowing what he was supposed to do. He just stared at the water in the glass on the table until he could no longer see it clearly. His eyes were tearing up and his vision blurring. He wasn't comfortable and he didn't like what little pain he did feel. He was getting hot and finding it harder and harder to breathe. He didn't like the wet feeling of the sweat that was mixing where Rand's skin touched and moved against his. Reaching for cooler air, he tried to push at the comforter and found it hard to do. His body felt weird. Rand noticed what he was trying to do and pulled back the comforter and sheet that was covering them, letting cooler air fall over them. Cloud was able to take in a deeper breath then but his tears weren't letting up. He could taste the saltiness from either them or the sweat that had beaded up on his face.
Rand reached over him then between his legs and began to stimulate him, gripping and stroking him in a way that was familiar but it didn't do anything to calm or ease him. It made his body want to move and that brought with it more physical discomfort. Rand rejected his attempt to push the man's hand away from him and so he found himself holding onto it with his own as he thrust into it. Rand tried to slow him down but he ignored him, wanting to reach the end as quickly as possible, fighting him and the drug that was holding him back as well. His release when it came was intense. He turned his face into the pillow below him and cried out. Rand finished shortly after, pushing deeply into and against him. He made a sound as well that Cloud barely noticed as he had the long wave of climax still passing through him. His whole body seemed to liquify then while he was breathing hard and sweating through every pore. The sheet below him was damp and clinging to the skin of his body in contact with it. He kept his face buried into the pillow as Rand lay next to him and finally pulled out of him gently.
"Are you okay?" the man whispered as he ran his one hand over the skin of Cloud's back. "Cloud?"
He didn't answer Rand as he lay still, staring to feel his body temperature lowering again, the air of the room starting to dry his exposed skin. It was all he felt really besides a dull prodding, gnawing pain in the pit of his stomach. He was suddenly so sapped of energy he was only awake long enough to hear Rand say his name one more time before he fell asleep.
000
Rand looked at the sleeping form next to him. It was past midnight and he still couldn't sleep. He was trying to decide if he should risk waking Cloud to go to the kitchen to get more water to drink so he could take a sleeping pill. Since he'd given Cloud a muscle relaxant a few hours earlier the chances were he'd sleep through the movement he might make on the bed. He decided to chance it. He moved slow trying to be as soundless as possible, glancing back once when he'd gotten out of the bed to see if he'd managed the task without disturbing Cloud. When he returned to the room he stood in the doorway and watched him. He slept so quietly. Since the surgery he barely moved through the night. To be without the stress of worry...
He couldn't help feeling anxious almost all the time. Looking at Cloud made him think of what he had…what he'd taken…but also made him think of what he could lose. He also wasn't ignorant to the way he'd gotten what he had. If he wanted to delude himself he could pretend that he and Cloud had come across each other in some chance meeting somewhere and they had gotten to the point he was at with him honestly, but it wasn't like that. It was manipulation and conditioning that had gotten them where they were. More than that. It had involved seizing the opportunity that came from inducing actual physical trauma and injury on a person's brain, rendering them dependent on someone else for care and unable to fully understand their circumstances. He'd made the most of the time he had post-surgery when Cloud was most malleable and suggestable and had made sure the nature of their relationship was clear to him. He had situated himself in Cloud's mind as someone associated with his everyday life and the person he should trust and depend on, even above Hojo.
There had indeed been a time when he was solely professional and project-driven. He'd had Charges or Wards in the past that he enjoyed having but he never expected when he signed the contract to take on Cloud that he would develop an actual attachment to him. He didn't even really think he was capable of the feelings he'd developed. It had been very early on that he'd taken a liking to him but along the way he found him thinking more and more about him and wanting to be around him and soon his thoughts were becoming obsessive, protective and as much as he didn't like to admit it, possessive. He'd never had a physical relationship with any of his previous contract subjects, and absolutely not a sexual one. He'd never wanted or considered one with any of them. It was unethical and an abuse of power but sometime along the way he'd developed the overwhelming desire for that relationship with Cloud and the temptation he'd had to use his position in his life to get it had evidently been impossible for him to fight.
Looking at what he had achieved could make him feel as liberated as he felt terrified. He'd never wanted to keep something so badly for himself and he'd never felt so guilty. The one thing he didn't want was to hurt him by getting aggressive with him sexually and he had done that exact thing. Nights earlier, at the gala, he'd seen Cloud with his childhood friend and he'd seen red. Cloud had hugged her. He had clearly wanted to spend more time with her. He'd asked about seeing her again when they'd gotten to the apartment…He never meant to force something on him, but he had. Cloud hadn't responded as usual to his touches. He'd pulled away from him, tried to distance himself in the apartment, had seemed quieter than usual, maybe even a little annoyed after he'd told him he wouldn't be seeing Tifa.
He had drank too much at the party and had stupidly dipped into more alcohol when they were home. By the time he had urged Cloud to the shower before bed he was fully drunk. He remembered telling himself that in his condition he should leave him to shower alone but of course he'd done what he shouldn't have. All he could see then were wet muscles and deep blue eyes and he felt an overwhelming arousal knowing Cloud was in his reach and largely under his control, as well as anger over the thought that if he were going to feel anything now it might be with someone else. Like Tifa or Zack. He told himself in that moment that he was going to lose Cloud no matter what he did so what he did wouldn't matter. He'd had his hands on him and was pushing him against the one tiled wall taking his body with his own before he could talk himself through the impulse.
They'd been slick with soap and he'd wanted that moment with him for what seemed like so long that once he was in it he found himself seizing it furiously. In that horror of a moment he hadn't given any thought to what Cloud might be feeling or thinking. It was after that he thought about it. About how Cloud hadn't resisted at all. He remembered feeling himself becoming aroused and looking down at the part of himself that he couldn't turn off. Cloud's back was to him and he'd just pushed him forward and done what he wanted. It was just like that. One moment Cloud was standing under the spray of the shower head while suds were sliding down his skin and the next his hands were pressed firmly to the wall bracing himself. It had been so fast. He'd wanted it so badly that it was over in seconds.
When he'd finished he'd felt suddenly sober and scared. He thought the worst when he stepped away from Cloud. He was scared to look at him. Even more scared to have him look back. He thought he'd just destroyed everything. If something was going to have a negative impact on the progress that had been made with Cloud in Hojo's project this would be it. That despite the implant that he had confidence in, what he did would send Cloud spiraling mentally and emotionally once more. He found himself apologizing before Cloud had even turned around. Gently he'd taken hold of him and turned him to face him and when he looked at Cloud and met his eyes he was shocked to see that nothing seemed to have changed. Cloud just looked up at him, waiting for him to say something. He didn't even look away. He found himself crying then and taking Cloud into his arms. He told him repeatedly how sorry he was. He got him clean and put him in bed and held him tightly. He promised he'd never do that again.
He hadn't done it again. Not like that. He wished he could say he hadn't coerced him again but he had and maybe what he'd done this time had been worse. He'd put actual planning into it. He'd spent a few days convincing himself that if Cloud hadn't been okay with what he'd done then he would have given some kind of indication of that. But he hadn't. And the next day he'd tested the waters out in bed with him, plying him with his hands and he'd been receptive to it, he'd engaged just as he had before. It was enough for him to justify his need to have that more invasive form of sexual contact with him. If he could tell himself Cloud was fine with it, or not fighting it at all, it was easy to carry out his plan. He'd brought Cloud straight from the shower to the bedroom. He'd given him a muscle relaxant and he made sure he was comfortable and he'd done what he could to make it as satisfying for him as it was for him. It had satisfied him and yet there he was again, feeling like shit about it.
He'd been observing Cloud carefully post-surgery and he had fair certainty that Cloud could experience emotion on a momentary basis and while he was somewhat cognitively impaired or delayed in his reasoning abilities he should technically be capable of initiating physical contact if it's what he wants to do in the moment, and in fact he did. He saw it happen at the New Years party when Cloud had hugged his friend from home. The fact that Cloud hadn't initiated any of their physical contact to date, even if he actively participated after it had been initiated…he knew that's what the answer was to the question he kept asking himself. Just because he went along with it didn't necessarily mean he wanted to, and no matter how many times he tried get him accustomed to the concept, maybe all he ever would be was compliant, and never truly willing.
Rather than attempting to sleep off his guilt, he sat on the couch in the living area and stared at his phone. There was a message still saved there from Cloud's friend, who'd called the afternoon after the gala to hold him to his offer to set up an appointment to meet with Cloud. Although not pertaining to her specifically, it was something that had already been discussed with Hojo and the president as well. Bringing Cloud back to Midgar with the goal to have him assimilated into SOLDIER meant he was going to run into people he'd known from his past, and he had. They were fairly confident that their program would work to ensure nothing would hinder or negatively impact the progress they'd made with Cloud but there were no guarantees when he was confronted with someone he once had strong emotional connections to.
So far, things had been working out fine and the president had supported the idea of keeping him accessible to the public to maintain a good image for the company in the wake of the scandal Zack Fair had created. Hojo had begrudgingly agreed but had somewhat placed that responsibility into his hands, to make the determination who should be fully restricted access to him. It was hard to know. What he did know was that Cloud had exited the post-surgery infancy stage and was now in the intermediate stage and that meant he was going to be exhibiting more challenging and potentially combative behaviours and that meant controlling him or keeping him in line could be more difficult. He knew he had confused him by suggesting a meeting with his friend would be possible and then almost immediately after had reneged on that. The confusion and perhaps upset as well had been evident in his reaction when they were back in the apartment and he'd been too intoxicated to really think about that. The fact he'd done what he had to Cloud afterward was nothing short of cruel and selfish and jealous, and actually stupid from a scientific perspective.
He shouldn't have been that intoxicated, and he shouldn't have been so angry with him over seeing someone he knew and having a reaction that was outside his control. He should have at least taken the time to explain to him the reason he wasn't going to allow the meeting. It was all shoulds and shouldn'ts now. At least he had what he thought was a justified reason for denying Cloud a meeting with someone from his childhood…the reason he had now for second-guessing that was just pathetic…
000
It was a busy night at Tifa's bar. One of those nights when it seemed everyone who'd gotten kicked out of the other places in the sector or neighbouring ones decided to show up for the last hour at 7th Heaven. Zack was doing his best to deal with the abundance of obnoxiousness that had stumbled in without actually pummeling any of them but at least a few were getting on his last nerve. One in particular he'd caught a few times trying to reach over the bar to fill his glass without paying. He knew Tifa wasn't a fan of throwing business out the door, but he was getting close. He barely heard the sound of the bar phone ringing at one point. He grabbed the handset from the phone on the wall and put it to his ear, keeping it held there with the aid of his shoulder while he used his hands to pop the caps off two bottles using an opener.
"Seventh Heaven," he spoke into it, feeling like he was yelling as he tried to be heard over the surrounding noise.
"May I speak with Ms. Lockhart," a male voice asked, though he barely heard it. He wasn't even entirely sure that's what the person said.
"One second," he told the caller. He set the handset down while he went to give the bottles to the patron who'd ordered them and took their money, giving them their change back. He told Joey he'd be back in a minute and took the handset into the back of the bar, stretching it's attached cord as far as it would go. "Hi, sorry, what are you calling about?" he asked the caller then.
"I'm returning a call that Ms. Lockhart made to me. This is the number she left in her message," the male on the other end of the line said.
Zack looked at the nearby clock. It was a strange time for someone to return a message.
"Is she not available? I looked up the number and saw it was a tavern-type establishment, thought she might be working," the person said then, perhaps sensing what he was thinking. There was something familiar about the voice then.
"She's…" he started to say and stopped. "Can I tell her who's calling?" he asked then.
"It's Doctor Cane," he said through what sounded like a subtle sigh.
Zack lowered the handset then. "Motherfucker," he muttered to himself aloud with his hand over the transmitter. Tifa had said she'd called him but hadn't gotten a response. None of them really expected her to. He thought he could hear the man inquiring if he was still on the line so he lifted the handset back to his ear.
"I'll—" he replied but had to stop to clear his throat. "I'll get her for you," he said. His voice was shaking he was so angry. What he really wanted was to launch a verbal attack on him or bust the phone to pieces and the only thing that stopped him from doing it was the thought he may actually be calling to set up that appointment they all were sure wasn't going to happen.
He left the phone to go upstairs to find Tifa. She was working through some paperwork in her small office. She had a phone up there as well but tried not to answer it if she could avoid it. She groaned when she saw him in the doorway.
"Was it for me?" she asked, knowing already it was about whoever was calling. "Who calls at almost two in the morning?"
"Randon Cane," Zack told her simply and she turned fast to look at him to see if he was serious.
"You just talked to him?" she replied, standing up from her desk quickly.
"He's still on the line," Zack said, pointing to her phone where the line indicator was lit up but hidden under a piece of paper.
Slowly she sank back into her chair and looked at it. As she reached to answer it, Zack turned away and headed back to the bar. He was a little surprised at himself. He didn't want to stand there to witness Tifa talking to Cloud's Keeper and he didn't want to attempt to eavesdrop. He headed back out to the bar area where he observed yet again the same pain in the ass drunk trying to steal beer from across the bar counter. Without hesitation, he headed around to where the man was seated and hauled him off the bar stool, through the crowd, knocking into several people roughly on the way to the main door. He kicked it open when he reached it and threw the thrashing and stumbling man out onto the pavement outside.
000
Rand was anxious to see how Cloud would be when he woke up. He never did go back to bed that night, choosing to get a few hours of sleep on the couch instead. He checked on Cloud when he'd woken and gone to take a shower. It appeared he'd barely moved at all and was still sleeping soundly. Knowing they needed to be in the lab soon, he left the shower running for him when he was done and nudged him awake gently, telling him he needed to get ready to see Hojo. He dressed while Cloud was showering and went out to the kitchen area to make some coffee. When Cloud emerged from the bedroom he was wearing only a pair of sweatpants. His hair was still wet and the exposed skin of his upper body dewy. He tried to assess Cloud's behaviour, to gauge him and what he was thinking, if anything, about the night before. He realized quickly nothing outwardly displayed was going to tell him that. He just looked a little more tired than usual. Probably because of the drug he'd given him the night before.
"Do you feel okay?" he asked Cloud and he nodded. "Did you sleep well?"
"Yes," he confirmed.
He supposed he had slept well, but Cloud still felt tired. Sluggish. Something. He headed to where Rand was standing, needing to get to the cupboard near him where the coffee cups were. "Here," the man said as he was reaching for a cup. He looked to see him taking something from the one chest pocket of his white dress shirt and the man handed it to him. It was a little folded piece of paper. He looked at Rand first before unfolding it. The man just looked away from him, moving to pick up his own filled coffee cup near by and take a drink from it. Written on the paper was a date and time.
"What is it?" He asked, looking at Rand again, watching him focusing on the dark liquid in his cup.
"An appointment time, for you to meet with Tifa Lockhart," he said, still not looking at him.
Cloud looked at the piece of paper in his hand again and shook his head. He was confused. "But...you said that—" he started to say and Rand stopped him.
"I know. I didn't want you to see her again. I still don't," he said and it didn't help to make him any less confused. The man had told him he couldn't trust her that she wasn't his friend, that he couldn't believe his memories.
"Then why..." Cloud asked him.
Rand did look at him finally. "Because I think you would like seeing her. And I think that if I'm capable of giving you even a fleeting moment of happiness, even if you won't remember it, I owe that to you," he said.
Cloud just stared back at him a few seconds before he shook his head. "I don't understand," he told the man.
"I know," Rand said. "I'm sorry for that."
Cloud watched him in silence. His eyes were looking away from him again. Hojo did that a lot. Looked away from him. He wasn't used to that from Rand. He was used to looking at the man and having him look back, acknowledging him and then giving him some indication that he was doing what he was supposed to be doing…talking to him, smiling at him…but he hadn't seen much of that the last few days. Hojo only seemed to look at him when he was asked to do something and did it right, like the things he'd be asked to do when the president had visited in Gongaga. He wondered if he wasn't doing something the right way for Rand. If that's why he didn't seem to look at him as much anymore
He looked down at the paper in his hand again and then put it down on the counter. He slid it slowly toward Rand then and the man's eyes followed it before looking at him.
"What?" Rand asked, confused by what Cloud was doing, seemingly passing the paper back to him as though he were turning it away. "It's okay," he tried to assure him. Cloud took hold of his right hand then and he let him, watching as he picked up the little scrap of paper and placed it back into his hand.
"You don't want me to," Cloud said then in a quiet voice.
Rand looked at where Cloud was holding onto his hand in his and realized he was trying to read him. "What are you looking for?" he asked him and Cloud met his eyes while still holding his hand in his own. He was searching for something and anything that was in his mind at that moment Cloud was going to know about it. "You have to stop looking at me like that," he instructed Cloud in a quiet tone. With Cloud not heeding the warning, he pulled his hand from his grasp and turned away from him slightly. He rubbed his face with his hands as he leaned back against the counter behind him. "I'm really trying..." he started to try to explain through his hands to Cloud what he was feeling and how hard it was for him to keep himself restrained around him but the feeling of his belt being tugged lightly had him dropping his hands and looking at him suddenly, finding Cloud unfastening the leather right in front of him.
"What are you doing?" he asked as he stopped Cloud from going any farther, grabbing his bare arms and pushing him back a little from him but still holding onto him. Cloud hadn't let go of his belt but was standing frozen now.
"You said to," Cloud told him, and he shook his head.
"No, I—" he started to argue but it wasn't like he could lie about what he'd been thinking. He didn't stop himself from kissing him then. When he did, Cloud just stood there, unmoving, his hands still on his belt. It was the only thing that was left. He'd taken advantage of him in every other way and although he'd kissed parts of him, it had never been his mouth. He was never going to be able to let him go now.