Happy early Christmas! I'm feeling a bit panicked at the fact that it's 11 days away... so I'd say it's pretty unlikely that I'll be getting another chapter to you before then. But I wasn't even sure I'd get this one written as quickly as I did with such a crazy month, so maybe another will be done before the new year? Crossing my fingers!

I planned on this chapter going on for at least one more scene, but it ended up making sense to break it into two chapters, and it also meant that I could update that much sooner. I hope you enjoy, and as always... thank you for your follows, favorites, and especially to those of you who take a few minutes to review!

Chapter 44
The Wall Between Us

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2016 | 9:10 PM | URIAH

Telling Tris about my feelings for Marlene was like a weight lifted. Back in Chicago, Tris and I never kept secrets from each other, apart from that pregnancy scare during our junior year. As soon as we arrived in Portland, that changed. I knew that we needed to make the roommate situation with Four work, so I hid my jealousy and played peacemaker. It felt so wrong to keep things from her, we were so out of sync. I'm not gonna lie, it sucked to hear that she had kissed Four...but I wasn't surprised.

The longer I live with those two, the more obvious it is to me that they belong to each other. There is always so much tension between them, you can feel it just walking into a room they are in. I didn't understand it until I felt the same thing between me and Marlene. That was when I realized it wasn't just because of Tris' resentment at the way he left. It wasn't their most recent disagreement, or the living situation. It was a sexual tension that Tris and I had never had between us.

I started to feel guilty anytime Marlene and I hung out alone…but I pretended not to notice, because I still enjoyed the time with her too much to stop. Anytime I hugged her, I told myself that it was totally normal for friends to hug...and ignored the fact that we held on long enough to come dangerously close to being considered "holding" each other. It was one day not long before Tris and I drove up to Mom's place for Christmas that I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I kissed Marlene's cheek, and felt the butterflies swarming my stomach when I saw her blush afterward.

After that, every quiet moment with Tris made me feel sick. I couldn't ignore what I now knew was missing. I was going to come clean with Tris as soon as we got back from Christmas at Mom's; I could finally see what a long time coming this had been, and there was no point in dragging things out. The thing about Tris's stubborn nature that I find admirable is that she doesn't give up; every time she gets knocked down, she gets straight back to her feet. I knew I would have to be the one to end things between us, because Tris wouldn't. But then Tris surprised me with the trip to Whistler and I couldn't stand to ruin it.

With all the secrets out now, the long drive back to Portland has been amazing. I didn't realize how much I had missed the easy friendship we have always had until I got it back. I have not wanted to bring up anything that might kill the vibe we've got going here, but we are less than an hour away from Portland. I know one of us has to bring it up.

"Tris," I say when we reach a lull in the conversation, "what are we gonna do about the apartment?"

She worries her lip and shakes her head. "I used up a lot of savings for the trip." She sounds like she is apologizing. I've told her not to a dozen times now, so I ignore it.

"We could just share the bed still," I shrug. "Doesn't bother me."

Tris scoffs and looks at me like I'm stupid. "Oh, I'm sure Marlene would just love that."

"Just 'cause we're in the same bed doesn't mean anything has to happen, we sleep in the bed together all the time without screwing," I tell her.

"Uriah," Tris sounds exasperated, "your new girlfriend is not going to want you sleeping in the same bed as your ex. End of."

"She's not my girlfriend, yet," I mumble.

Tris rolls her eyes. "Please. You can't wait to get home and call her, admit it."

I don't like the direction this conversation is going. "Maybe," I mutter.

"And she's probably waiting by the phone."

"She does have other friends besides me, you know." I grimace. "It's not like we have declared our feelings to each other, Tris. No way was that happening while you and I were still together. You know I'm not that kind of guy. And Marlene is better than that, too."

"That doesn't make me wrong," Tris sing-songs.

I look at her, just for a moment before turning my eyes back to the road. Tris is the best friend I have ever had, she has been for the past two-and-a-half years and continues to prove just how incredible she is. I know she's sad, I know our break-up is throwing her off-balance. But she still just wants me to be happy. And that's all I want for her, too.

I reach across the console and take Tris's hand. "Thank you," I say. "You're amazing, you know that?"

Tris looks confused and shrugs. She clears her throat and changes the subject. "So, sleeping in the bed together is out. Any other ideas?"

"I could sleep on the couch," I suggest. "It wouldn't be for long."

"Why's that?" she inquires.

I wiggle my eyebrows. "There's someone else in the apartment that I know would love to share a bed with you," I tell her.

"Uriah," Tris warns.

"What? He'd probably jump to clear out half the closet for you," I chuckle.

"You aren't the only reason Four and I are not together, you know."

I shake my head. Why does Tris always have to be so damn stubborn? "Don't try to tell me you aren't still in love with him, Beatrice."

"Exactly. Beatrice was irrevocably in love with Tobias Eaton. Tris has never been in love with Four."

"Okay, first of all," I begin, "I know you're not the same as you were when we met. A lot has happened and you have grown and changed. But...you will always be Beatrice."

"I'm not―"

"Yes, you are. Everyone grows and changes, I'm not the same as I was two-and-a-half years ago, but I'm still Uriah. And, deep down, you, or at least a core part of you, are still Beatrice, and Four is still Tobias." Tris shakes her head, but I pretend not to notice. "And second… you kissed him, Tris."

"That was… it was a moment of nostalgia. It just felt like old times and I got carried away, I told you that."

Does she hear herself? "Exactly. Because deep down, you are still Beatrice and Tobias."

"I'm not moving into Four's room, Uriah."

I look at her face and I know there is no point in pushing this topic any more. I've lived with them for the last four months and I know Tris. I know I'm right about this, now that I can finally admit it to myself. Besides, she has every right to be cautious after the way he left her… even if I do think she is only preventing herself from being happy. I let myself make one last remark. "I just think you should consider giving him another chance, Tris."

Tris does not reply. She stares out the window for a long time. After I know we have been silent a little too long, I want that happy vibe back, so I wrap up the topic. "I'll just sleep on the couch for now. We can figure it out later."

"Okay," Tris says, finally looking at me.

"Good. Now, I have an important question. Are you still off this Sunday? Cause I want my snowboarding buddy up on the mountain with me." We move right into easy conversation, forgetting the tense discussion we had.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2016 | 11:45 PM | FOUR

The water is hot, fogging the air around me with steam. It runs over my shoulders and back, soothing and relaxing the muscles that ache from this morning's long session at the gym and a tedious mid-shift walking around the Intel campus, working security. It drips from my hair, which has grown long enough to cover the top of my tattoo at the back of my neck, much longer than I ever used to wear it. It washes away both the grime and the stress of the day...and my disappointment over my reunion with Tris.

I knew she would be home tonight, and I didn't know what to expect. The atmosphere between us has been strained lately to say the least, but I see everything in a new light after discovering all the mementos she kept from our high school romance. A part of me doesn't know what to think, but deep down I am dancing for joy, certain that our story is not over yet. And that ecstatic, hopeful part of me dared to believe that during these few days apart, Tris would have let go of what happened a few weeks ago, let go of our Christmas Day argument in Hana's kitchen and at least let us go back to the friendship that we had begun to strengthen before the snowstorm. For weeks I have missed our quiet mornings reading, the way we seamlessly worked together in the kitchen, and our evenings playing cards... and more than anything, the ease our conversations had finally gained.

There was no ease in my conversation with Tris tonight. I was happy to see her, but she seemed indifferent. She was polite enough; she answered my questions about the trip, told me about her favorite slopes and even a little about some of the restaurants they tried. But she kept her answers very surface level. It was all stuff you would tell your boss if they asked about your vacation. There were none of the personal stories and funny moments you share with a friend.

I take my time washing my hair and body and rinse much longer than needed. When I finally shut off the water, I lean my forehead against the tile wall and bring all my emotions back under control. I feel like I am falling more in love with Tris every day while she rejects me again and again. I can't let her detachment get to me, or continuing to live with the happy couple will only become more and more tortuous.

Finally, I let out a deep breath, straighten up, and step out of the shower. After towel drying my hair and body, I wrap the towel around my waist and examine my face in the mirror. Dark blue eyes I hate; I inherited the color from Marcus. I know Beatrice always loved my eyes... I wonder if Tris hates them now, after Marcus's harassment. Does she wonder what else I might have inherited from that bastard?

I run my fingers over my stubble and consider leaving it, purely out of laziness. You have no one to impress, my more cynical side sneers. But the hopeful side insists that Tris and I aren't done yet and reminds me not to give up on her, not even for a moment. I carefully shave my face smooth, then brush and floss my teeth.

Once I am satisfied that I look and smell clean and tidy, and that my towel is securely in place, I go down the hall, listening to the tv droning from the living room. In my room, I dress in joggers and a black t-shirt and some thick socks; another cold front seems to be moving in, and the apartment is getting chilly again. I decide I want a beer to wind down before bed, and I brace myself for the inevitable sight of Tris and Uriah cuddling on the couch. No doubt they are better than ever after their romantic getaway. While snowboarding is their usual adventuresome brand of fun, I can only imagine that their evenings were spent curled up by a fire while the snow fell softly outside the window. I feel warm imagining me and Tris in that position, then the thought of Uriah hits me like a cold bucket of water. I shake my head and start for the kitchen.

The sight when I exit the hallway stops me in my tracks. It is not at all what I had expected. Tris is not cuddled on the couch with Uriah; in fact, Uriah is there alone. What alarms me is that he isn't just watching TV... he is laying with his feet at one end of the couch, his head on a bed pillow at the other end, and a thick blanket covering his whole body. Just as if he has camped out there for the night.

I see that he is still wide awake, watching a stand-up act on Comedy Central, so as I walk to the kitchen I call out, "Want a beer, man?"

"Sure, thanks," Uriah answers. I grab two beers from the fridge, pop off the bottle caps, and join him in the living room. Uriah sits up and moves his blanket out of my way, then accepts the beer. We watch the show in silence and sip our beers for a couple minutes while I try to figure out what to say. He must have pissed Tris off somehow, and it must have been bad. In the four months they have lived here, Tris has never banished Uriah to the couch, and I can't think of any other reason for him to sleep there.

I keep trying to think of ways to ask but none of them sound believably casual, so I finally just ask. "What did you do?" I ask, glancing at the pillow pointedly with my eyes.

Uriah looks startled. "She didn't tell you?" he asks.

I snort. "With how friendly she has been lately with me? No, she doesn't tell me about your fights, if you ever even have them." Tris and Uriah almost always seem to get along like twins separated at birth. Not that they are exactly alike, but they just always seem so content together. It's like they can anticipate each other's moods. When we were together, Tris and I had our share of fights. Once we didn't speak to each other for almost a week. My stubborn girl.

Uriah sighs and shakes his head. "We broke up."

All I can do is stare. I feel like a cartoon character with my mouth hanging open but I am just frozen. How could they have broken up? Again... they never argue. Could she have told him about the kiss...is that what this is about? Is it wrong that I don't really care, if it means one less obstacle between me and Tris?

Uriah lets the news sink in then continues. "We're better as friends. Best friends, that will never change. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am attracted to Tris. But we're more like companions, not lovers. I'm interested in someone else, and Tris..." he glances toward their bedroom. "Well. She deserves something more than what we had together." He gives me this look, like a guy sizing up his little sister's boyfriend. I have to be dreaming this entire conversation. "She needs someone who challenges her and inspires her. She's got all this passion, you know? That fire in her? The first time I really saw it was when I took her cliff jumping. Every new adventure, that's my favorite part ― seeing that fire in her eyes. You see it, don't you?"

I nod, smiling fondly. "Volunteering with Natalie always had that effect on her, too."

Uriah snorts, and I glare. "I'm sure it did," he assures me. "It's just… don't you see it?"

I shake my head, getting annoyed with him. "I just told you I did."

Now he huffs, like he's the one that is getting frustrated, and stares at me like I'm an idiot. "You, Four. You have that effect on her. Even when she's angry with you, you put that fire in her eyes, just by showing up."

Then he grasps my arm in a friendly, firm grip and looks me in the eye. "Don't fuck up again, Tobias."

I slowly nod. I can't believe he's sitting there basically telling me to go get the girl. I am soaring at the knowledge that he believes it is possible...maybe even inevitable. I glance in the direction of the bedrooms, where I know Tris is. Alone. And my spirits plummet.

"Is she OK?" I ask him.

"Yes," he says. But he takes a second too long to answer, and I am quickly on my feet. "If she didn't tell you herself, she probably doesn't want to talk about it," Uriah warns as I walk away.

I reach her closed bedroom door and knock. "Tris?" I say through the door.

No response. I know she is still up, I can see the light shining through under the door. So I knock and call for her again, wait, and repeat.

I hear a muffled growl. "Go away, Four. I'm trying to sleep."

I call her bluff. "No you're not. Your light was still on."

Silence. "Tris," I say.

"What do you want, Four?" she says, resigned. I like my nickname a little less every time I hear her say it.

"Can I come in?"

"No."

I lean my forehead against the door, close my eyes, and let my shoulders slump. Through the door it is, then. "I found Uriah getting ready to sleep on the couch," I say. More silence. "He told me why he was out there."

A pause. "And?" The sass in her tone is unmistakable.

I curse under my breath at her snark. "Tris, I just wanted to know if you were okay."

"Yeah." It took a second too long for her to answer, and I hear the tightness in her voice.

"Tris," I plead again.

"Four," she sighs.

I know she isn't going to let me in, as much as I wish she would. Alone in her room is better than alone getting wasted at a bar, but I still hate knowing that she is hurting with no one to be with her. I remember Natalie once saying that sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to be near them. I want to do that for Tris. But she won't let me.

"Look, just knock on the wall if you change your mind or if you need anything."

"Mmm hmm," I hear. She's either crying, or she's about to.

I squeeze my eyes shut, struggling for words. "You know you can talk to me, don't you?" I hate that I even have to ask or remind her.

"Yeah." Her voice is soft, I can barely hear her through the door. "Good night, Four."

"Yeah," I say. My voice sounds gravelly. "Good night."

The knock on the wall never comes.