A/N: I wanted to post this yesterday, but once again didn't allow me to. Therefore, I spend yesterday expanding this chapter a little, so I am able to give you a longer one now as an apology! I think this is the one we all desperately need. It's intense and sweet and just wow, I think. Hope it's even better than the ones before. X Milou.
Forty-five: My Warmth.
"Thanks for that," I tell Sara as soon as I'm sure they can't hear us anymore.
I'm still full of adrenaline which is why I've not processed what just happened completely, but I do know that Sara just saved both me and Ana. Definitely Ana.
"What the hell was that exactly?" She asks, her expression still full of disbelieve.
Of course, I owe her an explanation. She just took the blame for something she didn't do, knowing that Ana and I were in heavy liplock just moments before.
"Christian? What was that?" Sara asks again, obviously not patient.
"We kissed," I tell her the obvious, not sure where to begin.
"No shit," she mumbles. "Please tell me that this was the first time."
I shake my head. "It wasn't. Me and her, it's been going on for a few weeks."
"Holy shit," Sara breathes while she stops walking. We are standing in the hallway, just a few feet from the door that leads to the dining room. "But she is married."
The fact that this is the first thing she says somehow reassures me. She doesn't say; 'but she is your teacher', and I'm pleased about that. Just like Ana. Ana named her marriage as the reason she can't too, where she would normally give the fact that she is my teacher as the reason.
I can't help but see it as progress.
"She's actually going through the process of a divorce."
"Jesus, are you two that serious?"
"She isn't divorcing him for me," I quickly tell her. "She is doing that because she isn't happy. She knew that long before she met me. He an asshole."
I know that's the truth, even though Ana didn't really say it like that literally. She knew that he wasn't right for her, and I know that she wasn't happy at all. I saw it the first time I met her. It was written all over her face, I just didn't know the reason back then.
Sara rolls her eyes. "I'm sorry for not immediately believing he is an asshole, you're a bit prejudiced I would say."
"I'm not. He is an asshole. Trust me." Sara would think the same if I told her what he did to Ana. How he treated her all those years, to the point that I'm beginning to believe he made her a fucked up, insecure, little girl.
She shrugs and stays quiet for a few seconds before she looks at me intently. "Is it serious between you two?"
I'm not sure since when Sara and I have deep conversations like this, but somehow it feels good to talk about this. I've been holding it in for months. I've never felt the need to talk about it because I wanted to protect Ana, but now that Sara knows, talking about it feels liberating.
"It's definitely more than just a small kiss, but it's also fucking complicated for many reasons."
"Obviously," Sara responds. "It's so weird that I'm not even surprised. I mean, I was a little shocked when I saw you two, but now that I think about it, it kind of makes sense."
"What do you mean?"
"I saw how you looked at her when you saw her at the airport. You seemed completely fixated for a moment. And later on, during the flight as well. The way you looked at her kind of scared me. It almost looked as if you were obsessed or something, but now it makes sense," a small smile forms her lips.
"Why did you do this?" It's the million-dollar question. I don't think Sara is the type that's going to want something from me now because she knows, but there must be a reason.
She shrugs and looks away for a moment, thinking it over. "I saw the fear in Mrs. Davies her eyes, and I just froze. She will be in so much trouble for this and for some reason I don't think she deserves that. I like her. She is always nice to me and I enjoy her lessons. And your look when you grabbed me to prevent me from going somewhere just hit me hard. You looked so..."
She waves her hand while she looks at me unsure as if she is scared she'll say something that I don't know myself yet. I think I know what she means, but my eyes dare her to finish her sentence.
"You looked desperate to protect her. In an animalistic way. There is only one reason for a look like that." Her eyes find mine, and when I blink my eyes, she says the word that I've just said to Ana. The one that scares me shitless.
"Love."
I stay quiet. When Sara understands I won't respond, she chuckles, "besides, it didn't really look like either of you didn't want what was happening, so my guess is that she didn't force you." She tries to break the tension, and I'm grateful.
I let out a heavy chuckle. "Right. She didn't. I actually pursued her, until the point that it drove her crazy. She fought it desperately."
I feel the huge need to let Sara know that Ana knew she wasn't allowed from the moment it all started. She needs to know that everything that happened, happened because I initiated it. Of course, Ana wanted it just as much, but I made the first move. It's one of the things that I doubt will ever change.
"I believe you," Sara nods after a short silence. "You don't choose who you fall in love with. If that were the case, many wars wouldn't have been fought."
She mentions the word love as if it's a written fact now. As if she heard that I told Ana I love her. "You're pretty sure it's love."
A small smile covers her face, and her hand finds my arm to give it a firm squeeze. "Honestly, that kiss said enough."
I felt exactly that when Ana kissed me. I felt that even though she told me she couldn't say I love you back, she does. The fact that even outsiders see it too, only confirmes that what we have shouldn't be stuffed away and ignored.
"Listen," Sara softly says, leaning to me a little so that we're not overheard. "I can imagine that you have things to talk about after what just happened. If I can help you two, you just have to tell me, okay?"
"Thanks," I nod, a bit shocked by her offer. "Why though?"
She shrugs and then grabs the handle of the door, obviously planning on getting back the dining room. "I know how being in love with someone who you aren't allowed to be with feels. It's the reason I'm going to Port Bellevue. Nothing as forbidden as what you have going on, I assure you, but my parents send me here because they hated the guy I'm in love with. He's the bad guy."
She doesn't elaborate any further on the guy, she just opens the door and disappears into the horrible sounds of the karaoke before the door saves me from the awful tunes. And just a second later, Ana, Kavanagh, and Rodriguez walk into the hall as well.
Kavanagh and Ana are walking side by side, Rodriguez behind them. Ana has folded her arms in front of her as if she is cold, but her red cheeks suggest something different. Kavanagh is leaned towards Ana, both looking at the ground as they seem to talk.
Rodriguez is looking at me and without too much trouble, I know exactly what he is thinking. He will be my shadow for the remainder of this trip. I fucking hate him.
Just when I want to look away from them, Ana's head moves up and her ocean-blue eyes find mine for just a second. It's that look that makes me weak, and before I can stop it, my mind starts to move in every twist and turn, determined to find a way to take upon Sara's offer.
Because I need to be alone with Ana again. She feels it, I feel it. And it needs to happen tonight.
It's well over three when I finally know for sure that everyone around me is asleep. For the last two hours, I've been listening carefully to all the people I share a room with, and for the last twenty minutes, it's completely silent.
The longer I had to wait, the stronger the nerves got. It's all because I know how important the next ten minutes are. Everything will depend on the next ten minutes. If I get caught, it's over. The same goes for Ana.
I'd texted her right after we were summoned to go our rooms. I know she told me that we couldn't text because of her husband, but I had to see her, and I didn't have any other way to reach out to her.
My text was short and simple; stay awake until I text you. Please.
For minutes I didn't get any response. It stayed deadly silent. I'd almost given up the hope that she would reply when after a good twenty minutes she finally texted back.
Okay.
Her text was short, but the single word made my heart beat uncontrollably. We both know what happened just before Sara caught us was just the beginning and the fact that she agreed on waiting for my text, showed that she isn't done either.
I'm well aware that it's dangerous as fuck. And you would think that after the whole thing on that bench, we would tone it down until it's much safer, but I can't. I can't bear not touching her anymore.
As always when it comes to Ana, the feeling of needing her, the urge to kiss her and the desperation to talk to her wins it from everything, including the fear of getting caught.
Rodriguez and Lopez are sleeping in the room next to ours which means I have to be even more careful. There aren't really a lot of options to meet in this hostel, so I've already figured that the bathrooms will be best.
I'll go there before I'll text Ana, and if Rodriguez will catch me on my way over there, I can always tell him I'm going to take a shower. If that happens though, I can't text Ana to find me, and I'll just have to come up with another plan.
I take a deep breath and slowly move the sheet from my body. It's fucking cold in this shothole; I'm wearing sweatpants and a sweater and I swear I'm still shivering. It's not normal.
The bed cracks as I move to sit up, and for a moment I freeze to see if it causes a reaction from my fellow classmates. Fortunately, everything stays still, and most importantly; silent.
I rise from the bed slowly, holding my breath as I reach for my shoes. I manage to put them on without making a sound, and after I've grabbed a towel to make the story work if Rodriguez sees me, I walk out the door.
The hallway is even colder than the room, and in order to feel somewhat warm, I move my hoodie over my head. I start walking determinedly after that, passing Rodriguez's room without any difficulties. The whole hostel is silent, the only things that can be heard are some lost cracks of the wooden floor and the wind that's dancing around the hostel.
Within minutes, I arrive at the bathrooms. To my left, there's a row of shower cabins, thankfully all with floor to ceiling doors with locks. They give privacy and they're clean, which is about where the luxury ends. The last shower cabin is a little bigger since it's designed for people with a disability.
To the right, a row of sinks covers the wall and the white tiles adjust to the hostel completely. Simple. It's clean but simple. And fucking cold.
After waiting for a few minutes, checking out the hallway to make sure nobody has followed me, I take my phone from my pocket and open the conversation with Ana.
Can you come to the bathrooms?
Again, the text is short and simple, just like the first one I'd send her. My fingers lingered on the x, but I decided against it last minute because if someone will ever read them, it'll at least not look suspicious right away.
Once the text is sent, the nerves kick in once more. While the fingers of my right hand tightly wrap around my phone to make sure I feel it vibrate if Ana texts back, my other hand is sweating. My heartbeat picks up again, and I swear I hear it in my ears as well. I'm also still shivering, although that's mostly because I'm fucking freezing.
Hours seem to pass without getting any response from her. My phone stays silent, not even giving an alert or notification of one of the apps I've downloaded. My eyes are glued to the door, waiting impatiently until it opens. If it will open.
When minutes have passed, the door slowly moves, and I find myself blinking a few times to make sure I'm not hallucinating. The blinking stops abruptly when I see her face peeking around it, and a long, relieved breath escapes my throat.
"Hi," she softly whispers while she walks into the bathroom. To make sure she is as silent as possible, she walks on her toes, and it's cute as fuck.
She is wearing slippers and thick pink socks, sweatpants, and the knitted cardigan that she wore the night I kissed her for the first time. Just like back then, her hands are hidden in the sleeves, the fabric clutched into her fists. Her hair is in a loose ponytail, resting on top of her head and her face is clear of make-up.
When she's standing in front of me, I notice that she is just as cold as I am. She is shivering, her lip trembling and I even hear her teeth rattle for a short moment.
"Hi," she breathes again after she's come to a stop just inches from me. I'm happy she doesn't feel the need to keep a distance.
"Hi," I whisper back. "Are you okay?" It seems to be the number one sentence I ask her lately which tells me just how fucked up this whole situation really is.
"Yeah," she replies, her arms hugging around herself to warm up somewhat. "Just really cold. I mean, our room was cold, but this is just freezing. This is madness."
I nod my head in agreement. "I know."
We stay silent after that, and for a moment I'm at a loss of words. I know she is too because she is looking at her feet. We have so much to talk about right now, but somehow I can't seem to find the right words that'll express everything perfectly. The fact that it's fucking cold only makes it more uncomfortable.
I look around for a short moment, and when I put my phone back in my pocket, I'm reminded of my towel that's still hanging over my arm. For a moment I think about how I brought it along as an alibi, but then an idea pops into my mind.
"Do you want to warm up in the shower?" I bluntly ask at the moment the idea is fully registered by my brain. I hadn't thought it over at all, I just said it, and Ana's reaction is obviously somewhat surprising.
Her eyes are a little wide and her hands have stopped moving over her arms. She is looking at me, her faint pink cheeks finally having some color again now that I suggested taking a shower.
"Um, sure?" She looks just as questioningly as she sounds but when I give her an encouraging nod and a small smile, she nods her head more determinedly. "I mean, sure."
Ignoring the nerves that seem to get heavier now that she agreed, I hold out my hand for her to take. When it connects with mine, a full-body shiver seems to run through her, and all the hairs on my body stand, relieved because I'm touching her again.
I lead her to the last shower cabin which is the bigger one, taking the change that there isn't someone with a disability that wants to use it at three-thirty at night. When I open the door, I let her go in first before I follow her and close it again, making sure it's locked.
After I've hung my towel on the single hook on the door, I turn around so I'm facing her again. She looks a little unsure, her lower lip trapped between her teeth which prevents it from trembling due the cold.
Still not entirely sure what to say, I start pulling my sweater over my head and put it on the small wooden bench to my left, the cold air immediately hitting my skin. To make it a little more bearable, I lean towards the shower and put it on, hoping that the steam will make undressing a little easier.
Ana's eyes have moved up when I return to my spot in front of her, and they are slowly moving over my torso while they become clearer. While her eyes are always a gorgeous shade of blue, I like them the most when she's turned on.
When she's turned on, the outside is darker than the inner circle. It goes from dark blue to ocean-blue and than turns into her pupil, and somehow it's enchanting. I'm aware that it's not just because of the color, but also because she is looking at me.
When her eyes reach my face again, she slowly takes off her cardigan, revealing a white tank top that doesn't hide anything at all. Her hard nipples press against the thin fabric and I can easily make out her areolas.
The sight of them almost makes me lose my shit. My mouth begins to water as I think about how they taste, and my sweatpants are tenting completely, my cock straining against the fabric as if it'll rip through if I don't get rid of it fast enough.
I swallow the need to lunge at her and then look up at her face while I pull down my sweatpants and boxers. It's a bit of a struggle since I also need to kick if my shoes, but I manage to do it within a minute.
When I'm completely naked, I focus on her again, and I'm just in time to see her pull off her tanktop. Without making eye contact with me, she places the tank top on top of the cardigan that lies on the bench before she works on her slippers, socks and eventually her sweatpants as well.
My cock bumps at the sight of her naked body for the first time in weeks and a low groan escapes my throat on its own accord. It's been so long since I've seen her like this, that I feel as if I need to rediscover her completely.
I wish I could have her on a bed right now. I would lay her down and explore her properly. My hands following the curves of her body, my mouth moving over her breasts and nipples while her fingers dig in my hair, her back arched.
I shake off the thoughts, for now, deciding that I need to work with the room we have now which is the shower cabin, and I step forward and grab her hand to lead her under the stream.
Her hand is cold and when the warm stream of water hits her front, she sighs in relief.
Eyes closed, she moves her face under the stream for a moment before she pulls back, moving her hands over her face to clear her view from the droplets. When she has done that, she turns her gaze on me.
"Aren't you cold?" She nods at were I'm standing, and although the sight of her makes it all a little more bearable, I feel myself nod my head. "Come here," she beckons with her head, her soft voice sounding a little shy.
Almost greedy, I jump forward, the warm water helping me relax the moment the first droplets hit my skin. Her arm brushes against mine in the process, and the heat that shoots through me at that exact moment is what warms me up completely.
Without saying anything and more importantly, without doubt, I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her flush against me so we're both under the stream. She gasps, but her arms find their way around my neck not a second later which confirms that she's just as happy with this as I am.
For minutes we let the water cascade on our bodies. She lets out little breaths, the feeling of them on my chest soothing and familiar. My cheek leans against her head, and with my eyes closed, I just treasure this moment. Her in my arms, safe and warm, and mostly, content and relaxed.
"And now we talk," I tell her after I've inhaled the scent of her hair enough to smell it until we're back home.
She nods against my chest but otherwise doesn't move. Her belly is pressed firmly against my cock, and although I'm hard as a rock, the content, serene feeling wins it from the sexual haze for now.
"I meant what I said, Ana. I love you. I know that the whole situation doesn't allow us to be together, but I do love you. I know I'm just eighteen but I do recognize love when I feel it. I know what I feel for you is love. I know it because, despite everything, I'm willing to fight for you. I'm willing to wait for you until you have everything figured out."
She gasps in response, her hands around my neck holding me a little tighter, her nails gripping the skin. Her head turns a little until her forehead is leaning against my sternum, her eyes cast down.
There is so much more I want to tell her, but I can't find the right words that'll cover every single thing. I want to tell her that I'll wait for years if I have to. That I'll leave school if that makes it easier. That I'll follow her where she wants if that makes her happy. That I'll help her if she needs me to.
"I don't want to pin you down and drag you into my mess. You should focus on school, on graduating and on what you're doing after high school. There is a whole life waiting for you that you need to go explore, Christian. I'll just slow you down," her soft voice says, still not looking at me.
"You won't." I shake my head to make it more powerful even though she can't see it. "You have no idea what you did in that short time you had me pinned down. You changed me, Ana. When you invited me to your brother's house that weekend, you changed everything. I suddenly saw my future bright and clear where before, I saw nothing. You inspire me. I want to be good and serious and educated because I want to be with you. Take care of you and have a life with you that you deserve. A huge ass kitchen."
The fact that I'm saying it all out loud now shocks me since I haven't thought about all this a lot myself. The times that I thought about it, felt weird, mostly because I hadn't accepted my feelings. But now, as I feel her warm, wet body against me, my feelings are in tune with my thoughts and everything seems simple
I love her. I want her. She is it.
Her face moves once again, now until her chin is resting on my sternum, her eyes looking up at me. She blinks a lot due to the water, and to make looking at me easier I move my head directly under the stream, blocking it from splashing in her face.
"Do you have any idea what you're saying?" She asks but doesn't wait for my answer. "I've had a whole life before you. For example, we don't have any firsts. I've lived with someone, been married to someone, been on a honeymoon. You deserve those firsts with someone that hasn't done those things so you can explore them together. I'll always compare everything we do with my life before you."
She is trying to talk some sense into me, but the more she tries, the surer I become.
"Ana," I chuckle, not able not to. "We have a lot of fucking firsts. I'm your first student, you're my first teacher. You're the first woman I've been with that's older than me, I'm the first who is younger than you. You're the first that I love, and you've said so yourself that what you feel for me is nothing like you felt for that asshole which means it's a first as well. And in the future, we can have new firsts as well. I don't care that you've been married before but if it's such a big deal, we won't get married at all. That way, I can just take you on a fuckathon somewhere without calling it a honeymoon, which solves that point as well. You can compare all you want because I'm going to make sure I'll do everything better than he ever did."
By the time the last word leaves my mouth, Ana's hangs wide open. She looks at me with disbelieve, but her eyes are oozing love. She might not know what she feels, but if she'd look in the mirror right now, I'm sure everything would make perfect sense.
"I really don't deserve you,' she mumbles, the weakness audible. It's the last thing she can say before she runs out of options.
I shake my head slowly while I pull her back by her hair a little, moving my face down so it's closer to hers. "I don't deserve you. Yet. But in the end, I will."
Without waiting for her response, I capture her mouth with mine, earning a muffled gasp from her before her lips mold with mine perfectly. Her tongue pushes through right after so it can move around mine hungrily, just like always fighting for control.
Her hands move to my cheeks as my arms crush around her waist, pulling her as close to me as possible. Her hands are warmer now, except for one little thing that still feels cold.
Without looking or pulling back, I know what it is, and it suddenly feels completely wrong against me, even though it didn't bother me the previous times. It might even turned me on then, but now I suddenly loathe it.
I pull back unexpectedly and as a response Ana's eyes open while she looks offended. Her mouth still hangs open, her lips already swollen. Her chest is moving up and down rapidly, her nipples tight and her chest flushed.
"Take them off," I growl, surprising both her and myself.
She looks at me confused, her gaze moving down to her naked form for just a moment as if she is checking that she took everything off. When her eyes meet mine again, they ask for an explanation.
I grab her right hand from my cheek and hold it in front of our faces while I nod to her finger. The finger that holds two rings. Rings that that asshole put there.
"Take them off," I repeat.
Her eyes flicker from the rings to my face. When they stay on me after a few times back and forth, a small glimmer in her eyes appears. "You do it."
For some reason, her saying this is a huge turn on. The idea of removing the things that claim her as his do things to me that I've never felt before.
So while my eyes never leave hers, I grab both of the rings with the hand that isn't holding her wrist and almost yank them off her finger. Right after that, I grab the back of her legs and lift her. By the time the rings rattle on the tiles, her legs are securely wrapped around my waist, her back is against the cold tiles and my cock is perfectly centered against her spot while our mouths fight for dominance once again.
Her hand, now free from engagement- and wedding ring, reaches in between us, moving over my chest, abs and lower until she can grab me. I hiss into her mouth when she moves up and down steady and strong, just how I like it.
"I want to fuck you," I grunt, her tongue still moving over my lips, not willing to stop the kiss anytime soon.
"Then fuck me." Her voice is soft, breathy and just fucking sexy.
"Condom," I hiss just as her thumb moves over my tip slowly, her nail present as well.
She doesn't respond to that. She just continues to kiss me again which makes me question if she even heard it. I let it go for now and just enjoy the feeling of her hand on my cock, and while her kiss becomes a little unsteady, I move down to her neck to make sure that gets some attention as well.
Just like the first time when she rode me in the car, her arms pull me closer against her by wrapping around my head, her nails in my hair. She urges me to go lower and when I reach her breasts, she buries her face in my hair.
Just like that first time, everything is her.
When I reach her nipple and suck it in gently, a soft cry leaves her throat and her hips start to move against me, my shaft sliding through her folds perfectly.
"I love how you make me feel," she breathes into my hair, and I close my eyes in relief. It might not be the big I love you, but for now, it's close enough.
She moves my head back by pulling my hair and then pushes her mouth to mine once more, her hand once again sliding in between us to grab me. But instead of working on me with her hand just like before, she now guides me to her.
When my tip comes into contact with her heat, I jerk my head back, my eyes wide. "I don't have a condom," I pant, repeating what I've said minutes ago, now sure that she registers what I'm saying.
Again she doesn't reply, although her eyes tell me she heard me perfectly. Her hand moves me further towards her, and just as I'm about to protest again, she guides me into her.
My eyes roll back as she shields herself onto me completely. I'm consumed by her wetness, by her heat, and for a moment I'm not able to move. I'm frozen, shocked and in awe of what I'm feeling. Of how she feels without anything on.
"Jesus, you're so hot. Are you sure?" I manage to ask through gritted teeth, eyes still closed.
Ana stays silent, but the firm, sweet kiss she leaves on my wet forehead along with her nails that reassuringly scratch my scalp tell me everything I need to know.
She's okay with this, and therefore, I lose myself in her completely, letting her warmth and scent consume me until everything is us once again.