A/N: Sometimes I have trouble with getting everything in a chapter right. I guess it's because my native language isn't English and all the plots in my head are in Dutch when I think them through. I want certain sentences and thoughts in the story just like I have them in my head, and writing them down can be a huge challenge sometimes because I want them to be perfect. This chapter was a real son of bitch in that matter. I wrote it earlier, but when I read it again to edit it, it just didn't feel right. So, I ended up changing half of it. I hope it gives all the feelings that I had in my head.
And I hope it makes sense that it took days for me to edit it. I'm becoming a perfectionist and sometimes it sucks. Sorry!
Let me know what you think! Love Milou.
Forty-six: limid reached.
His face is hidden in my neck, his hands firmly on the back of my tights. His heavy breaths and moans tickle my skin, sending shivers straight through even though the cold is long forgotten. His mouth is working on my collarbone, his teeth following the path until he reaches my pulse point, only to start again just under my ear.
The assault on my skin is rough, honest and raw. It shows exactly how much he missed me, and it gives the words he told me just minutes ago more dept and power. His hands dig into my flesh as well, I'm sure leaving marks of his handprints.
But in contrast to all those actions, his thrusts are sweet, gentle and controlled. He slides into me fully, hitting spots that make me quiver and sigh, before he retreats and slowly starts the whole process again.
He is savoring me completely as if he wants to feel me on him forever after this.
My face is still partly hidden in his hair. The smell of his hair, fresh, clean, manly and a little worn after a day around Amsterdam, wakens feelings inside me that I've become addicted to. Constant nerves, warm chest and something that comes close to feeling high. It's all for him.
"I can't believe you let me do this," his strangled voice breathes, his face moving out of my neck to look at me. His eyes are the darkest shade I've ever seen, making his stare enormously intense.
I know what he means. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm letting him inside me bare either. But somehow it wasn't an impulse. Even though I hadn't thought about doing it without a condom ever before and I decided to let him in bare last minute, it feels like a well-considered decision. As if we worked towards this moment for months, and we're now doing it because everything feels right and settled while in reality, it's anything but that.
I do believe him when he says that he loves me, and therefore I trust him to be clean as well. I'm on birth control, and I've told him that when he asked me in Taylor's kitchen. I still remember the expression he had when I told him how my dad knocked my mom up when he was just Christian's age and his almost bewildered question about birth control that followed.
"How are you real?" He continues when I just whimper in response. Right after that, he moves his arms around my waist and carries me to the wooden bench, where he sits right next to our clothes, me in his lap.
Steam has filled the cabin completely, and it creates a cloud around us, shielding us. His arms are still around my waist, his front pressed against mine, my arms around his neck, noses touching. My lower legs rest on each side of his thighs and were still connected, deeply.
My hips circle lightly to keep up the friction, Christian's hips meeting me slowly. Our eyes are locked, and I can feel his heart hammering against my chest. It's intense and extremely intimate.
"I missed you. Missed this," I confess before I have thought it through. It's literally my heart that speaks, and in response, he sighs in relief, eyes closed for a moment.
"Me too. You on me, me in you. We need to make this work, Ana. We have to find a way because I can't lose this. I can't lose what I feel for you. I've never felt something like this, something that offers me hope and peace. A goal." His hands move up and down my back, the tips of his fingers pressing in my skin, dragging a trail there.
His words and touch hit me deeply, the desperation in his tone overwhelming. He is telling me that I'm not holding him back. That I'm the reason he feels hope and peace. That we can be a goal together.
And it makes me realize that I have to stop holding back as well. I have to let everyone around me, including their opinions on this, fade to the background for now, and just listen to what I feel.
"I know. I'll try," I whisper before I plant my mouth back on his and increase the movements of my hips, making him groan before he returns my kiss with passion.
Both our bodies are covered in sweat. It's a huge contrast with how we were freezing when we first walked into the room. The shower is still streaming on full force, and I can honestly say that I'm warming up to the bone.
His hands steady themselves on my hips, guiding me into long, slow movements. Not up and down, but in circles and forward and back.
"I'm so deep like this," he breathes after he's pulled his mouth away from mine again. "I feel everything. Every curve. You're so damn soft."
Right after his words are out, he leans down to take my nipple in his mouth, sucking and biting me. It makes my hips work faster on their own accord, and before I fully register it, I'm moving up and down hard, our wet skins slapping against each other, the sounds coming straight from a porn movie.
"I'm there," I manage to tell him in a warning. In response, he growls while he bites the curve of my breast, just under my nipple, causing me to shake violently.
As my orgasm rips through me, his assault on my breast stops. I'm vaguely aware that he is looking at me, but my eyes are mostly closed as I ride out my orgasm, using Christian's body for leverage.
His hands have stopped guiding me, and are now just resting on my hips. His thumbs stroke my skin reassuringly, and he softly whispers encouragements and compliments until my body slumps against his, my head on his shoulder.
"I love how you come," he mumbles in my hair before he kisses my head. "You are so fucking lovely, Ana."
Butterflies in my stomach make me shiver as I hear his sweet words. His arms have completely crushed me against him once more, his hands shaking a little because he is close too. I know he is because I feel him throbbing inside of me.
"I want you to come too. Inside me. Without anything on. Just us."
My cheeks heat up at my comment. It was out before I knew it, but Christian's low grunt tells me it was exactly the thing he wanted to hear. Determinedly he stands from the bench and places my back against the tiles once more, this time immediately thrusting into me roughly to chase his orgasm.
My body still feels a bit limb, and therefore Christian does all the work himself. His moans are low and sexy, and all I can do is look at him while he takes what he needs. The veins on his arms are throbbing under his skin, his muscles clenched in anticipation, and his jaw tightened.
I look at him in awe as he reached his high. The pulsing of his cock against my walls, the shocks that run through his body, and the clench of his muscles is something that I'll never get tired looking at.
"Fuck. So good," he mutters as his body relaxes somewhat, and immediately after I feel myself dripping. Due to the position I'm in, it's not a surprise, and Christian notices it as well.
I look down as he pulls back and the sight of his cock covered in both of us makes me want to attack him again. His hands are finding the wall behind me after he's put me on my own feet, his forehead leaning against mine while he tries to get his breathing under control.
"I don't want to lose this either."
His eyes meet mine right after I said the words. They are a bit wide, but I can also see excitement. His next words confirm that I'm right.
"Yeah? So we can try when you're ready? I'll wait for you. I'll wait until you've got everything figured out."
I nod, a small smile on my face while my hand finds his cheek. "We can try. I'll find you when I'm ready. And if you still want me by that time, I'm yours," I breathe.
"All mine," he grins before he pecks my lips, sealing the deal.
"If you're mine," I tell him. It feels a bit surreal since I have no idea how it's going to go, but at this moment, I'll just focus on this.
"Deal, Miss Steele. That's a fucking deal."
The last full day in Amsterdam. Tomorrow morning we'll fly back to the States, where divorce, Colton, lawyers, and apartment search are the most discussed topics. Unlike here, everything I do there reminds me of the mess I made. Of the mess that Colton left behind.
The last day of a trip that I was dreading, even though it meant an escape from reality for a few days.
Well, part of my reality, since a piece of it joined.
The piece that, after last night, is not just a piece anymore. That piece that was causing problems, is now the part that I'm seeing when I think about my life after Colton when all the mess is cleared.
Of course, I knew it way before last night. Christian was right; my feelings frightened me. It wasn't the only reason I ended it since I also really ended it to keep him out of everything, but I also push him away because of the feelings he wakes in me.
Feelings I've never experienced before him. The feelings that scare me, frustrate me, and also set me free. They confuse me, immensely. Feelings I'm not allowed to have for many reasons, but ones I always miss when he isn't near me. Ones I always search for even though I shouldn't.
Last night, Christian told me in detail what he feels for me. He had all the right answers to my worries and doubts. He showed me, with words and his body, what I mean to him. I can honestly say that it was the most intimate experience of my life.
I've never felt as close to anyone as I did to Christian last night, literally and figuratively, and it's why I'm starting to be more comfortable with all the feelings I have for him. It's because he makes me feel safe. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've met someone that matches the real me. Not the one that I should be but the one I am.
After I lay back in bed around five this morning, I thought about why I didn't tell him I love him even though I obviously do feel something that comes very close to it. I think it's because I couldn't, not because I don't feel it.
The moment I'll say it to him, I want it to be the only thing I feel, and right now, I feel too many other things. Things that remind me of everything at home. When I say I love you to Christian, it will only be about him. About him and me.
Him and me. Him in me. Me on him. It's consuming everything. I still feel his hands on me. I still smell him on me because we shared a shower. And right now, as I'm biking through Amsterdam to explore the city the proper Dutch way, I definitely still feel him inside me.
He once again left me sore, and the timing to bike around is horrible because I have to hold myself back from wincing every time I hop on after we've stopped for a red streetlight.
The students are all excited to explore Amsterdam on a bike and I understand them completely. The last two days were mainly about the historical aspects of the city, while today we'll look at the modern side. The famous P.C. Hoofdstreet with all the expensive stores, the mall Bijenkorf, the nine streets, and to the great delight of the students, also the coffee shops and the red light district.
To look at, of course.
"Stay right!" Kate yells for the fourth time in ten minutes, and I can't help but chuckle at the soft curse she lets out afterward.
Kate and I are cycling at the end of the row, closing it. The students are cycling two by two as well, and teachers are spread over the row to make sure we don't lose anyone.
Christian and John are cycling right in front of us, and in front of them, it's Dave and Shailene, followed by Sara and Leila.
The fact that Sara is cycling next to Leila doesn't sit well for me. Just yesterday she helped me and Christian enormously and now she is chatting enthusiastically with the student that hates me the most. I can't help but wonder what they are talking about. If Sara talks about what happened yesterday, I know Leila won't be as considered as Sara was yesterday.
Leila had been far too quiet during this trip. She hasn't pushed my buttons, and because she wasn't in my group, I hardly knew she's also here. I have a feeling that it's about to change today.
Today the whole group of students will stay together which means the arranged groups and supervisors are blurred. I'm almost sure Leila will take advantage of that.
"FUCK!" John curses, pulling me out of my thoughts, and not a second later I see him crash into a small pole that sticks out of the ground.
I hit my breaks for dear life, but I don't have enough time and my fore wheel hits John, making me fall onto the ground as well. Pain shoots through my knee for a short moment as my bike lands on top of me.
"STOP!" Kate yells, making the whole group stop after the word got to the front of the row that there has been an incident.
"Are you okay?" John asks while he looks at me. He has a scratch on his head, but other than that he looks okay.
I nod my head as I sit up a little. My jeans are ripped and my knee is open which caused the pain, but I don't think I'm injured any further. Just as I want to tell everybody that, I feel two hands under my arms, pulling me from under my bike to stand.
When I turn my head, I'm surprised to see José. I didn't expect him to help me up since he was in front of the row but it seems like he sprinted over here. He looks worried, and when I stand properly, his hands start to go over my arms and sides.
"Are you hurt anywhere else?" He asks, his hands searching for signs that I am, not giving me the change to just tell him that I'm fine.
"I'm good," I mumble while I try to stop his hands from touching me. He isn't touching me in a weird, inappropriate way, but it still feels uncomfortable.
His hands go back to my arms, moving up and down as if he hasn't heard me. His eyes are going over my body while he keeps asking if it hurts. And just as I want to tell him again that I'm fine, with the help of my hand this time, I hear a growl from my right.
"She said she is fine, Rodriguez."
Both my and José's head shoot up. Mine in shock because of the possessive tone in Christian's voice, José's in surprise.
Christian's hands are clenched into fists, his jaw tight. His eyes are a little dark and focussed on José's hands, which have now stopped moving but are still holding my upper arms. His chest is going up and down fast, and I know without a doubt that he is about to lose it.
"Excuse me?" José asks, just as surprised as he looks. He has absolutely no idea what he did wrong, or t least he pretends that he doesn't.
"She's fine. You don't have to fucking assault her. She said she's okay," Christian clarifies, his voice still not harder than a low growl.
For a moment José looks a little lost, but after just seconds I see the anger appear. I feel it too; the grip on my arms gets a little tighter. "Watch it, Grey." He narrows his eyes, completely forgotten that he's still holding my arms.
Christian takes a step forward, looking like the complete alpha male. "Get your fucking hands off her."
Everybody can see that Christian is jealous. There is no doubt. And while it warms my heart to see him like this because of me, this is just not the place or the time. And José is not the person I want him to show it to.
José's hands let go of me but not because Christian just ordered him to do so. He lets me go to move towards Christian, looking just as pissed off as him. If I didn't know any better, I would think I'm watching the staredown that occurs before a big MMA fight.
"You need to shut your fucking mouth, Grey. I'm sick of you provoking me," José hisses, his face inches from Christians.
Next to me, Kate has shuffled towards me and is grabbing my hand. "You need to do something, Ana." Her whisper sounds nervous and a little desperate, and I feel exactly the same.
"And I'm sick of watching you make Mrs. Davies uncomfortable. The whole fucking trip you've been touching her, and she doesn't want you to. Even a fucking blind one can see that."
John, who has come off the ground, and Dave appear behind Christian, their arms crossed in front of their chests, without a doubt picking Christian's side. I doubt that José sees it though, he still has a laser focus on Christian.
Steam is almost coming from josé's ears, and although I know I should pull him away and tell him to let it go, I seem frozen the ground because I want to see what Christian will do. It's sick, but seeing him like this, defending me in front of everyone, does things to me.
It once again makes me feel safe and cherished just like yesterday and it proves that Christian can do just about anything to make me feel like that.
"I fail to see how this is any of your business," José growls back. If only he knew.
"It is my business," Christian bites back too fast, without thinking and I hold my breath.
For a moment, José looks confused. "Why?"
Christian straightens his shoulders. "It's everyone's business when you harass our teacher, Rodriguez. The whole fucking school is seeing it."
Before I have time to register it, and frankly completely out of nowhere, José's patience seems to burst, and his fist hits Christian's cheekbone hard, making everybody that gathered around them gasp.
"Oh my God," Kate gasps before she moves forward, grabbing José by his arms to pull him away from Christian.
I find myself moving towards Christian without realizing it. "Are you okay?" My hand goes to his cheek, where a bruise already forms. When Christian's eyes meet mine, I see rage.
"I'll kill him," he growls before he jumps forward and in the direction of José. In order to stop him, I put my hands on his chest while Dave and John also try to hold him back by holding him.
"Stop it, Christian," I tell him.
José is trying to get out of Kate's grip as well, obviously not done with this whole thing either. He is challenging Christian, telling him to 'bring it on', completely ignoring the fact that he is the teacher here.
Thankfully, Lopez helps Kate to calm him down, not holding back and telling José exactly what he thinks of what he just did.
My hands are still on Christian's chest, where I feel his heart go crazy, no doubt because of the anger. When I look away from José to look at Christian again, he is breathing heavy and his eyes are narrowed while he still looks towards Lopez and Kate who are dealing with José.
"Hi," I say while moving his face so he is looking at me. "Does it hurt?"
For a moment he looks at me in a way that makes me melt. He still looks mad, but his gaze softens as he looks at me. He even, for a very short moment, leans into my hand. But when he realizes that we're surrounded by his classmates, he shrugs my hand off his cheek while he moves backward.
"I'm fine," he growls before he also shrugs off Dave and John, who were still holding him as well.
I nod and then turn around to José, Kate, and Lopez. "What the hell was that?" I demand. I'm not sure if it's my place to ask, but since it started about me and because nobody else asked it, I can't help myself.
"Behavior that we can't tolerate from a teacher," Lopez growls at José, who suddenly seems to realize what he just did. He turns pale while he mutters an apology to nobody in particular.
"I'm calling Brown," Kate says before she lets go of José and grabs her phone from the pocket of her jacket and then turns around.
"I just wanted to help Ana, and then suddenly Grey just snapped," José says, pretending to look confused. I know better though, he is trying to save himself from what's likely going to happen after Brown hears this.
"I didn't suddenly just snap, asshole," Christian growls, thankfully a lot calmer now.
"He didn't," I confirm when I see that Lopez is a little confused. "I told José I was fine, but he kept touching me. I've asked him to keep his distance before since it makes me uncomfortable. I guess that Christian, among other students, saw that and wanted to help me."
When I look at Christian, I see that he is nodding his head. To my surprise, Dave, John, and Sara are also nodding their heads in agreement, giving my explanation more power.
Everybody stays silent for a few minutes as we wait for what Brown tells Kate. In the meantime, we decide that the students can continue their tour on bikes with all the teachers that weren't involved, which means that José, Kate, Christian, John and I are staying behind. Lopez decides to wait as well, probably to keep an eye on José.
After everything is settled and the group is back on track, Kate turns around and walks to José. When she reaches him, she gives him the phone. "Brown wants to talk to you."
José nods and takes the phone before he walks to the spot where Kate stood moments ago. Kate on her turn walks to me. When she stands beside me she mutters, "Brown's livid. He wants to talk to you and Christian as well when he is done with José."
I nod my head and steal a glance at Christian, who is standing against a building a couple of feet away from me while he talks to John. As if he feels me staring, his eyes find mine for a moment.
The bruise on his cheek is noticeably bigger than the last time I looked at him, and I can tell with just one look that he is still ready to punch José back. His eyes did soften when they met mine, which is something that reassures me a bit.
"Okay?" He mouths when John looks at his phone. His eyes go to my knee for just a second. I completely forgot about the fall John and I made that led to this chaos.
I nod my head as an answer and give him a small smile. Just when I want to ask him the same thing, José walks to me and passes me the phone without saying anything else.
"Hello?"
"Davies, Brown here. Both Kate and José told me their version of what happened there, and I'd like to know yours as well."
He sounds straight to the point, professional and mad. I can't imagine how difficult this situation is for him. He needs to make a decision from across the world, based on the stories that he hears.
So I try to tell him exactly what happened, from how I crashed into John to how José tried to help me and ignored me when I said I was fine. I tell him how Christian commented on it and jow José eventually hit him. Brown listens to me without interrupting me once, and by the time I'm done, I actually feel a little out of breath.
"Are you feeling alright, Anastasia?" It is the first thing he asks me when I'm done telling him my side of what happened.
"I'm fine,' I tell him. "Just a bruised knee. I feel bad about what happened between José and Christian though."
"Don't. It's Rodriguez who is wrong in this. Very wrong, in touching you and hitting a student. I've informed him that he is non-active until further notice. I've ordered him to pack his bags, and I'll make sure he is on the next flight back. I won't tolerate this behavior from anyone on my team."
I'm not surprised by the actions that Brown takes. It's completely what I expected him to do. Hitting a student is under no circumstances acceptable.
And to my surprise, I don't even feel guilty for doing much worse than that with Christian. For some reason, I think Christian will be pleased with that.
"I'm also going to inform Christian's aunt and uncle. And once you're back here, I'd like to talk again. I need to make a file of this, and then I need to speak with the board and see what they think of the future of Rodriguez at Port Bellevue. Do you have any information I need to know now?" Brown continues, obviously in a hurry to talk to Christian's aunt and uncle.
"I haven't. Thank you for handling this, Mr. Brown."
"It's my job, Mrs. Davies. Now can you pass the phone to Christian? I'd like to talk to him as well."
"Of course," I tell Brown while I make my way towards Christian, who is busy with his own phone. When he sees me walking towards him, his eyes go over my body once. This time, his eyes aren't dark like they normally are. This time, they ooze concern, and I wish I could fall into his arms and tell him once again that I'm really okay. To tell him thank you.
When I reach him, I offer him the phone. "Mr. Brown wants to talk to you."
He nods and then takes the phone from me, our fingers brushing against each other in the process. It's the only contact I can have with him right now, and I somehow try to tell him 'thank you' through that way, even though I don't think he'll understand.
As Christian talks to Brown, I turn to John and ask him if he is okay as well. The cut on his head doesn't seem that deep, and he's already got a paper towel from someone who walked by, so he reassures me he is fine as well.
After my short talk with him, I walk back to Kate. As I reach here, I notice that Lopez and José are gone. "Where are they?" I ask Kate.
"Back to the hostel. José needs to pack his bags," she answers. "This trip is kinda insane."
"I know," I sigh. "I hate that it involves me."
Kate moves her arm around me. "I know. It sucks. I had no idea that he was making you that uncomfortable, Ana. I'm sorry."
"That's okay. It wasn't even that bad today. I didn't fully register his hands on me because of the crash and everything. Only when Christian commented on it I realized it. And Christian was just..," I wave my hand to cover the rest of the sentence while I look in his direction.
"Jealous and protective," Kate nods. "I think he is in love with you too, Ana."
I can't help but chuckle. It's because of the nerves and because of the insanity of the situation. "I know."
"It's just six months until he graduates, Ana. Do you realize that? Six months until he isn't your student anymore." Kate looks at me intently. I know she is trying to tell me something here but for a moment I'm going to play dumb because I want to hear her say it. For some reason, I need to hear it from another adult.
"I know. Why?"
"If it's real between you two, and if you want any future at all with him, you'll wait six months. After that, you don't have to sneak around in the middle of the night to see him." She looks at me knowingly, obviously referring to me sneaking out last night, and my cheeks heat up. "Besides, that'll give you the time to deal with Colton as well."
"What if I leave Port Bellevue?" I mumble, for the first time voicing what I've been thinking about.
Kate's eyes widen. "Is it that serious?"
I nod my head and look Christian once again. His eyes find mine, and his whole face seems to light up, even though he is still in what seems to be a serious conversation with Brown.
Kate notices his look too because a soft chuckle leaves her mouth while her arm tightens around my shoulder. "Well shit. And that for a terror kid."
I laugh and shake my head. For the first time since Christian and I are seeing each other, I can actually laugh about it. "What a mess, huh."
"A little," Kate smirks. "What's a bigger mess though, is the fact that when he hangs up the phone, we are stuck with them. And we are supposed to show them the red light district and the coffeeshops."
My eyes widen a bit as I think about it. I'm not sure if I can handle that without giving anything away to John. "Well, fuck," I mutter.
"My thoughts exactly," Kate agrees and just after that, Christian hangs up the phone before he and John walk towards us. "Fuck indeed."