Ryuugazaki: Also, it's Shabbat for me. Usually, you're not supposed to labor on Shabbat and there are very few exceptions, but surely HaShem wouldn't be too mad at me for laboring for pleasure and not for work. Because I genuinely enjoy working on the fanfic and it makes me happy so this update is a labor of love. Good Shabbos and Happy Chinese New Year, y'all. Stay safe and warm and inshallah next update things will be better.
Chapter Fifty-Seven
(Sunday, 13 December 2015 – 5:08am, Marseille, France)
Yuuri couldn't sleep after Victor told them that he wished he could understand them. To get their mind off of how his words struck the deepest chord in them. They had to draw – more or less – to get the feelings away since words were one of the many things they couldn't grasp since Victor had gone to bed after a situation that took many unexpected twists and turns got out of hand and ended with a thick, humid tension in the room and in their marital bed. Yuuri needed a way to deal and drawing was their only way to deal because words had failed them, yet again.
Yuuri reached for their art journal. Victor stirred. "Where are you going?" Victor murmured.
"Oh, you're awake?" Victor nodded. Yuuri stopped reaching for their art journal and rolled over to face Victor.
"Only because you were fidgeting." Yuuri smiled. "What are you doing?"
"I was getting my journal." Victor nodded. "I haven't decided on if I was going to do something in it, though."
"Why don't you?"
"I don't know what to talk about."
"Talk about what we're going to do today," Victor said. Yuuri looked at him. "I'd really like to have a day with you, but no pressure if you don't want to." Victor averted Yuuri's gaze. "Or you can talk about the banquet tonight."
"I'd rather talk about what we're doing today," Yuuri said. Victor smiled. "What would you like to do?"
"I'd like to go to a museum with you since we missed our usual art date." Yuuri weakly smiled. "After that, we can do anything. We could run away to Aubange and just be together freely. And once we get tired of Aubagne, we can work our way to Martigues. I can write and you can dance, and it'd be so nice."
"Don't tempt me with a good time, Victor," Yuuri said.
"Then why don't we do it?" Victor asked. "Let's run away together." Yuuri kissed Victor. "Is that a yes?"
"Let's plan our running away a bit more," Yuuri said.
"By the time we get to planning, we'll be back in Detroit," Victor said with a pout. "We can leave right now."
"Khoudia and Chris will come searching for us," Yuuri said. Victor rolled his eyes. "Right. We need to plan our runaway out."
"Fine," Victor grumbled. "We can plan it out… Even though eloping is more romantic."
"You're too romantic," Yuuri said. "Soft. Sensitive."
"You're romantic, soft, and sensitive," Victor retorted. Yuuri smiled and rolled their eyes. He kissed them. "I'm only this way because I love you."
"I love you, too." Yuuri yawned. "You still hadn't told me what you would like to do after we go to the museum."
"We can eat," Victor said. "I mean, I'd like to go out to eat."
"You eat a lot."
"…Yes? We're humans? We're supposed to eat?"
"That is such bullshit. I'm going on a hunger strike." Victor laughed. Yuuri looked over at him and wistfully smiled. "Would you like to hear a song?" Victor nodded. "Hey Siri," Yuuri said and waited. Their phone pinged. "Play 'Shadowplay.'" Siri found the song and started to play it.
"What am I listening to?"
"'Shadowplay' by Joy Division," Yuuri said. Victor nodded. He rested his head on Yuuri's chest and closed his eyes. He drew circles on their chest. "In a room with a window in the corner, I found truth," Yuuri murmured. Victor exhaled. "In th–"
"Why?"
"Pardon?"
"Why a shadowplay?" Victor asked. He rolled his wrist. "Why not just… Why not just be happy?"
"In what way does simply willing happiness change anything?"
"Well, you'd be happier," Victor said. "You wouldn't be so brooding if you were happier." Yuuri shrugged. "Do you like feeling so miserable?"
"I don't particularly enjoy it, but it's a feeling," Yuuri said.
"So why not just change and feel something new?" Victor splayed his fingers across Yuuri's chest and retracted them. "Just be happy."
"Just be happy," Yuuri said with an eye roll.
"You'd probably feel so much better if you were just happy," Victor said. "People would probably like you a lot more if you were happy." Yuuri deadpanned. "I'd sleep better if you could just be happy."
"Your sleep shoul–"
"I knew you'd go there," Victor said with an eye roll. "I wish I could be able to say that I knew you wouldn't, but I knew you would." Yuuri shrugged. "Try?" Yuuri looked at Victor. "For me?" Yuuri maintained nonchalance. "I love you," Victor cajoled. He pinched Yuuri's chin. Victor let go to give Yuuri the space to speak. "No?"
"The world isn't ready for what I have to say." Victor deadpanned. "But you wanted to say something, though. What is it?"
"Just that I love you," Victor said. "What else are we doing today?" Victor snapped his fingers. "That's what I wanted to say. What else would you like to do?"
"Whatever you want," Yuuri said. "The possibilities are endless. But I know that you want to go to the museum, eat, have our date after, run off to Aubagne, discuss how…" Victor looked up at Yuuri. "Whatever you want."
"We'll figure it out as we go," Victor said. He grabbed Yuuri's phone and propped it between his and Yuuri's bodies. He grabbed Yuuri's thumb and unlocked their phone. "What do you want to watch?" Yuuri shrugged. "Let's watch Cake Boss," Victor suggested. Yuuri looked at him. "Yes? No?"
"Do you want to watch Cake Boss?" Victor nodded. "Then let's watch Cake Boss." Victor put on Cake Boss between them.
"I didn't know you liked this show," Yuuri said.
"Not a lot of people do," Victor said. "Let's keep it like that, though." Victor snuggled up to Yuuri and smiled. "How should we announce?" Victor asked.
"What?"
"Yuuri."
"I literally have no clue what's going on right now," Yuuri said. "My brain shorted." Victor sighed. He kissed Yuuri's cheek. "Victor," Yuuri said; they put their fingers in his hair. Victor paused Cake Boss and kissed Yuuri.
"Are you okay now?"
"I would like to suppose so," Yuuri said. Victor nodded. "I mean, I would like to be." Yuuri shrugged, though. "I wish I could be."
"You will," Victor said. He unpaused Cake Boss. Yuuri looked at Victor. They touched him. "When do you want to start our day?"
"How does 10:30am sound?"
"Perfect," Victor said.
#
(Sunday, 13 December 2015 – 7:26am, Marseille, France)
Victor was reading Yuuri's copy of Crime and Punishment as someone knocked on the door. "Who is it?" Victor asked. He mentally cursed after he said that. It could be someone who doesn't need to know that he's in Yuuri's room. He didn't want to risk outing himself and Yuuri in one swoop.
"It's Khoudia," the voice said. Victor put down Crime and Punishment and got out of bed. He stretched and opened the door. "Oh, good morning, Victor."
"Good morning, Khoudia," Victor said, slightly fumbling over her name. She smiled.
"Is Yuuri awake?" She asked, still smiling.
"No, he's asleep," Victor said. "Do you want me to wake him?"
"I just want to know if they're coming to breakfast with me," Khoudia said. She made her way inside and sat at the desk. Victor inwardly sighed and closed the door.
"He said that he was coming with your family for breakfast." Khoudia nodded. "Something about your mother possibly getting worried about him."
"Ah," Khoudia said, "my mother would get worried. Especially since Yuuri isn't feeling well." Victor nodded and smiled. He sat on the bed. "Are you worried?"
"About what?"
"Yuuri being sick."
"Why wouldn't I be worried?" Victor asked. Khoudia sweetly smiled.
"Don't worry. My mom and I will do everything to make sure your Yuuri is okay." Khoudia played with the pen on the desk. "We've agreed to take them to a doctor when we get home." Victor nodded.
"Good," Victor said. "I don't know what exactly is wrong with him, but he needs to see a doctor."
"I have my guesses, but the real obstacle is going to be getting them there," Khoudia said. "Yuuri's bad when it comes to doctors."
"But they see a therapist."
"Therapists are the exception," Khoudia explained. "Your therapist is your psych major homegirl. Your doctor gets paid."
"So… does your therapist."
"Gets paid *more."
"…No they don't," Victor said.
"The point I'm trying to make is that you have an emotional connection to your therapist that you often lack with primary care physicians," Khoudia said. Victor looked at Khoudia and sighed. "But yeah, Yuuri's kind of a hassle to get to the doctor but rest assured that we have it covered and that there might be IHOP."
"I would hope that there's IHOP," Victor said.
"Do you even know what IHOP is?"
"No," Victor said.
"I would invite you, but I – within good reason – cannot," Khoudia said.
"Why not?"
"I'd tell you, but I think you should ask Yuuri about that first," Khoudia said.
"So you know what it is?"
"I know it's probably related," Khoudia said. "And I know that Yuuri wouldn't appreciate so many people being this involved in it. And that I have a unique place in this and that I should leverage my strength into maintaining the sanctity of the space."
"And keep me out," Victor said.
"Yes," Khoudia said. Victor looked at her. "You can ask Yuuri to come. I just won't step out of my place and invite you along." She shrugged.
"You know Yuuri is going to say 'no,'" Victor said.
"In this case, yeah," Khoudia said. "So you'll have to find out what IHOP is another time." Victor deadpanned. "I'm not Yuuri. Your faces won't work with me." Victor chuckled.
"Can I at least get a hint?" Khoudia shook her head. "Can you at least tell me if it's contagious?" Khoudia laughed – her real laugh. After a few seconds, Yuuri was awake.
"…"
"Good morning," Khoudia said. "Just thought I should properly introduce myself to your boyfriend."
"I could guess," Yuuri said. "Did you have to laugh?"
"He was being funny. I can at least laugh."
"Okay, but that laugh?" Yuuri asked.
"It is 7:45 in the morning."
"You're being social."
"So?" Yuuri and Khoudia looked at each other. "Get ready for breakfast – if you're coming." Yuuri looked back at Victor.
"Surely you're adult enough to determine whether or not you can go to breakfast after determining who can and cannot know about your mystery illness," Victor said. Yuuri looked at Victor.
"I think I missed something…" Yuuri said.
"You missed quite a bit," Khoudia said. "Like, a lot. We can discuss it after breakfast. Are you coming?" Yuuri tentatively nodded. "Then start getting ready. We're already late." Yuuri got out of bed and opened their suitcase. They started to rummage around for something to wear. "Do you need help?"
"I've got this," Yuuri said. Victor got out of bed and sat next to Yuuri. "I said that I can pick out my clothes."
"I know you can, but I want to be part of the process," Victor wheedled. Yuuri sighed and resumed the process. They tried to continue, but their brain was currently on fire. "Can't decide?" Yuuri nodded. "Need someone else to take over?" Yuuri nodded. "Go take your shower. I'll see you when you get out." Victor kissed Yuuri's cheek.
"Are you two both going to sit here as I shower?"
"Yes," Khoudia said. Yuuri looked at Victor. He begrudgingly nodded.
"Fine," Yuuri said. "I guess I'll try to shower with two people outside."
"You'll be fine," Khoudia assured them. She patted Yuuri's shoulder as they walked by. "Knock 'em dead, Katsucky."
"Shut up," Yuuri said. Khoudia cackled. Yuuri rushed themselves off to the bathroom and closed the door behind them. They undressed and looked at themselves in the mirror. There were bags under their eyes, and they were pallid. They looked slightly worse a few days ago so just being pale and looking like a raccoon was somehow a step up. They touched their clavicles and clawed at them as they stretched. After they got the feeling out, they looked at themselves again. "Nope. Still depressed." Yuuri sighed and turned on the shower. If they were going to go out looking like a pasty raccoon, they could at least be a clean, pasty raccoon.
Towards the end of the shower, Yuuri had to step out since they could tell that they were going to vomit. And they vomited quite a lot. Once again, Yuuri was confused at how anything was even coming up when they hadn't eaten much yesterday. Yuuri didn't know how they were going to eat breakfast or eat lunch with Victor when they couldn't keep anything down. Yuuri got back into the shower to wash away the sweat and the feeling of vomiting off of them and brush their teeth again. That extended Yuuri's shower by about twelve minutes since Yuuri wanted to be thorough.
When Yuuri was out of the shower and dressed, Khoudia was on her phone and Victor was reading Crime and Punishment. Yuuri stopped in their tracks when they saw Victor with the book in their hands. "Where did you get that?"
"Nightstand," Victor said. "You didn't tell me that you were reading it." Yuuri sharply inhaled. Khoudia looked up from her phone and giggled. "We can talk about it!"
"I was hoping to surprise you with reading it," Yuuri murmured. "But I wanted to wait until I was done to tell you." Victor smiled.
"Well, regardless, I am surprised and glad." Victor closed Crime and Punishment and placed it back on the nightstand. Now Yuuri didn't want to finish it.
"Are you going to breakfast with Chris?" Victor nodded. Yuuri sat on their bed next to Victor. "Do you know where you're going?" Victor shook his head. "You should get ready for breakfast." Yuuri kissed his cheek.
"I will as soon as you tell me that you're going to be okay."
"I'll be fine," Yuuri said. "I promise. I'll survive." Victor wistfully smiled. He kissed Yuuri's cheek.
"We need to talk, though."
"I'm not sure about what, though," Yuuri said.
"Khoudia can brief you," Victor said. Khoudia's eyes shot up from her phone. "And when you come to your decision, let me know."
"I thought I told you that I wasn't going to the banquet," Yuuri said.
"Has nothing to do with the banquet," Victor said. "Like I said, Khoudia can brief you. I have to get ready for breakfast now." Yuuri grimaced. "I'll see you later. 10:30am."
"10:30am," Yuuri repeated. Victor gave Yuuri a kiss one last time and left. Yuuri looked back at Khoudia – she had her face covered. "Are you okay?"
"I stan this relationship," Khoudia said. "Now get dressed. We have to go eat breakfast." Yuuri nodded and looked at the clothes Victor picked out for Yuuri. It was all black and no floral. Yuuri sighed. "Would you prefer to be briefed about what Victor and I discussed now or later?"
"Well, I don't know how long breakfast is going to be nor do I know what Mama Awa is going to lambast us for today, so I'll take it now," Yuuri said.
"Victor wants to come with us to the doctor to see what's wrong with you, but I told him I couldn't invite him without permission from you," Khoudia said. "And he kind of knows about your," Khoudia coughed, "your 'condition,' but I said that I wouldn't tell him if you hadn't told him or told me I could tell him. So he's a little bit bitter that you have a condition, but never told him about it."
"For good reason. It's none of his business."
"It kind of is, though," Khoudia said. "He is your boyfriend."
"He doesn't need to know." Khoudia sighed. "Don't sigh at me," Yuuri said as they put on deodorant and their turtleneck. "It's none of his business what my health is looking like. There's only one exception."
"And that exception would be?"
"If it was contractable through sex or fluid sharing I would be compelled to tell him to reduce risk of transmission and give him the option of whether or not he would be comfortable being amorous with someone who has a contractable illness. But I don't. So I'm not going to tell him."
"But he wants to support you through this," Khoudia urged. "I don't think you're comprehending that. He wants to be with you when you go to the doctor to make sure you're okay."
"Mama Awa is going to make sure I'm okay," Yuuri said.
"Yes, but that's your boyfriend," Khoudia enunciated. "I don't think you're grasping that bit."
"We officially started dating a month ago. My health is none of his business."
"But he loves you," Khoudia said. "Let him support you."
"No."
"No?"
"No," Yuuri said as they pulled up their pants. "I'll tell him on my own time. I'm not just going to let him in to everything in one swoop. It'll give him whiplash and it's super stressful to have all of that on your shoulders." Yuuri zipped their pants and stretched. They walked to the door and grabbed their Timbs since they were apparently going for the sick goth kid look. "Shouldn't we get going soon, anyway?"
"Depends. Let me call my dad." Khoudia unlocked her phone. She called her father and put him on speaker. "Daddy!" Khoudia said.
"What? Where are you?"
"I'm with Yuuri. Is Mama ready yet?" Yuuri inhaled again.
"No. Your mother is still doing her hair."
"Still?" Khoudia asked. "What could she possibly be doing to it? She's just going to be wearing a hijab over it."
"I know, but don't question your mother." Khoudia rolled her eyes. "Is Yuuri ready yet?"
"Yes, Daddy. We're waiting for y'all." Khoudia looked at her nails. She was thinking about changing them. Again. "Does it look like Mama's almost done?"
"I don't know. Let me ask her." There was a silence. "Ma coccinelles, are you done with your hair?"
"Do I look done, Moumou?" Mama Awa said. Khoudia laughed madly.
"Your mother is not done with her hair," Mouhamadou said. "I'll call you when she's done, okay?"
"Yes, Daddy. Love you, Daddy," Khoudia said.
"I love you too, ma princesse," Mouhamadou said. Khoudia's father hung up. Khoudia put down her phone.
"Mama isn't done doing her hair yet," Khoudia said. "So what do you want to do in the meantime?" Yuuri shrugged and inhaled. "Oh, have you noticed how Elizabeth and Sophia haven't talked to us at all while we've been here?" Khoudia asked.
"I hadn't noticed. Any theories why?" Yuuri asked.
"I don't know," Khoudia said. "Do you think it's because I told them to get their heads out of their asses in Moscow? Or was it because I threw a fit over Sophia thinking my name is too difficult?" Yuuri shrugged. "Are you even paying attention?"
"I am," Yuuri said.
"Can you just get your face out of Victor's pillow?" Yuuri rolled their eyes and rolled on their back. "Thank you." Yuuri gave Khoudia a thumbs up. "Now, as for why neither of them have talked to us is anyone's guess, but I just know that they haven't made any moves to interact with us while we're here."
"Maybe they expect us to make moves and talk to them." Khoudia laughed. "I'm serious. What if they actually want us to seek them out?"
"And what if they dub us? I am not in the mood to be dubbed." Yuuri rolled their eyes. "What do we do?" Khoudia asked.
"I don't know," Yuuri said. "I guess we could text Sophia."
"You have Sophia's number. You'll have to text her." Yuuri sucked their teeth. "You text Sophia. I'll text Elizabeth." Yuuri reached for their phone and unlocked it. They had texts from Olivia.
Olivia: Didn't you just ask me to dinner thou?
Yuuri rolled their eyes and looked at her text.
: I did, but something came up.
Olivia: Like what?
: Suffering, mostly.
Olivia: Be serious.
: I am. I will be suffering at the time I asked you to dinner so I can't go to dinner.
Yuuri rolled their eyes. "What? Did Sophia text you?"
"Oh, no. It's just Olivia." Khoudia sucked her teeth. She got up and plopped on the bed.
"What's this bitch saying?" Khoudia took Yuuri's phone out of their hands and scrolled up. She immediately started rolling her eyes. "You were going to go out with her again?!"
"I was going to, but now I don't want to." Yuuri laughed. Khoudia continued scrolling. "What do you mean by make things right? What did you do?" Yuuri remained silent. "This is not the police. Remaining silent does you no good." Yuuri rolled their eyes. "Now spill. What did you do to Victor? Do I have to murder you?"
"It's not so much what I did but what I was about to do." Khoudia nodded. Yuuri bit their lip and twisted up their face. "Twice." Khoudia made a face.
"If you don't tell me, I'm going to snoop, and you won't like it when I snoop." Yuuri shrugged. "So tell me." Yuuri took their phone back from Khoudia and went to notes. They wrote down what they wanted to say. When Khoudia read what Yuuri had written, she jabbed their arm.
"I deserve that."
"You can't tell him that," Khoudia said. Yuuri was shocked. Khoudia is, a good majority of the time, a very honest, straightforward person. And the fact that Khoudia was flat out telling Yuuri not to tell Victor something crucial was genuinely mind-boggling. "I know that you want to be honest with Victor, but you actually cannot tell him that. It might set him off, and he might murder you." Yuuri deadpanned.
"He won't murder me."
"The hot ones are also the crazy ones, and Victor might snap." Yuuri rolled their eyes. "If I found out someone I was head over heels for was a hoe and almost cheated on me twice, I'd go for blood. Their blood. No one involved is leaving unscathed."
"Okay, but you're hot and crazy."
"Did you just call me hot?" Khoudia asked. She smiled; Yuuri nodded. "That's sweet. Thank you." Khoudia looked at the message again. "Are you also implying that Victor is not hot?" Yuuri deadpanned.
"Have you seen my boyfriend?" Yuuri asked. "I need to know if we're seeing the same thing." Khoudia shrugged. "Because Victor is highly attractive. I don't understand how it's humanly possible to be so beautiful." Khoudia snickered. "Shut up. Now, as I was saying, I doubt Victor would murder me." Yuuri put their phone to sleep. "But, in the off chance he does, I'd say it's well deserved."
"I mean, yeah it's well deserved; I want to murder you right now for that. But don't tell him that. But also don't break up with him." Yuuri furrowed their brows. "Breaking up with him won't be making it right. You'll just make him wonder what went wrong and cause him to blame himself – which is what we don't want. The best thing to do is to do nothing at all." Yuuri made a face.
"But this guilt is eating me alive."
"I know," Khoudia said. "And you'll have to live with that guilt forever. But you bet not break that baby's heart." Yuuri sighed.
"I don't know what you want me to do here," Yuuri said.
"I just told you: Live with your guilt. If you can live with bombing the Grand Prix, you can live with being a hoe." Yuuri rolled their eyes. "Just don't break Victor's heart. He doesn't deserve that."
"He also doesn't deserve someone who is inconsistent. He needs consistency, and I am obviously not good at giving it to him." Yuuri laid their head in Khoudia's lap. "He deserves – and can do – so much better."
"But he wants you," Khoudia said. "The way he looks at you is so precious. He only has eyes for you." Yuuri shrugged. "Are you blind or just dumb?"
"Both," Yuuri said. Khoudia rolled her eyes. "I guess he has eyes for me, but I don't know. He could do better."
"If you think he could do better, don't you think he wouldn't have already done better?" Khoudia asked. Yuuri shrugged. "He only wants you. So give him what he wants."
"How do I give him what he wants when I don't know what I want?"
"You know what you want," Khoudia said. "We all know what you want." Yuuri rolled their eyes and shrugged. "Can't you tell?" Yuuri shrugged again. "Yuuri, you want Victor, but your other feelings are clouding your judgment."
"I guess," Yuuri murmured. "I mean, I know I want Victor, but I guess what you're saying is right."
"I know I'm right," Khoudia said. Her phone started to buzz. "Oh, it's Daddy." Khoudia answered her phone. "Yes, Daddy?" Yuuri looked up at Khoudia and touched her chin. She smiled. "Okay, we'll go downstairs now." Khoudia ended the call. "Mama's done with her hair." Yuuri groaned. They forced themselves up and grabbed their phone. Khoudia grabbed her coat and tossed Yuuri Theirs. Yuuri put on their coat and grabbed their phone and wallet. They had a text from Victor.
Victor: I miss you already
: I miss you, too.
Khoudia opened the door, and Yuuri followed her out. "So, what have we learned today?" Khoudia asked as she started walking to the elevator. Yuuri remained silent. "I'm asking you what you've learned today."
"Oh!" Yuuri yelped. "Well, I've learned that I shouldn't tell my boyfriend what I've done and that I shouldn't break up with him." Khoudia nodded. "And that I want him, but I'm allowing my other feelings to cloud my feelings for him." Khoudia nodded. "And that my baby wants me, but I won't let him totally have me." Khoudia nodded.
"One more thing," Khoudia said.
"Um, fuck Olivia?"
"Ding ding ding!" Khoudia clapped. "You got it all!" They made it to the elevator. Khoudia pushed the down button. "You need to work on your communication skills. I feel like that's one of the best ways to make yourself vulnerable for Victor."
"I am averse to the idea of being vulnerable for anyone."
"But your relationship literally depends on you surrendering yourself. You need to be able to surrender yourself to make this work." Yuuri remained silent. "This is for you and for him."
"I guess," Yuuri murmured. "I just don't know what I'm going to do."
"How many times must I tell you that I told you what to do?"
"I know, but I'm still thinking." The elevator came. Yuuri pushed the button for the ground floor. "I want to be honest with him. He deserves that at least. Shouldn't surrendering myself entail me being honest?"
"It does. Just not about that. Be honest with him about how you hate going to doctors and how you like leaving marks on people because you accidentally get erections from doing Judo or whatever but just don't tell him the other thing." Yuuri rolled their eyes. "Trust me. It's for the best."
"I guess," Yuuri said. The elevator stopped on the first floor. Mama Awa and Mouhamadou weren't anywhere to be seen. "Did we get here before your parents again?" Khoudia nodded. She took a seat across from the front desk, and Yuuri sat next to her. "When do you think your mom will want me to stop calling her 'Mama Awa'?"
"Depends."
"On what?"
"When she finds out you're queer," Khoudia said. She leaned on Yuuri's arm.
"She wouldn't cut ties with me because of that," Yuuri said, disbelieving.
"Yes, she would. That's my mother, and I know my mother," Khoudia said. "It's absurd, but you would really stop being her hummingbird over this."
"I don't want to stop being her hummingbird. I love your mother."
"I know you do, but those are the conditions." Yuuri sighed. "It's fucked." They kissed Khoudia's temple. "What was that for?"
"Ma petite sirène," Yuuri said. Khoudia smiled. "Victor said that I love you more than him."
"You have to show him that that's not true."
"How do I show him that?" Yuuri asked. "He also said that he doesn't feel important to me. How do I show him that he's important to me?"
"What do you do to show Phichit that you love him when he's sad?" Khoudia asked. Yuuri made a face; he didn't see where Khoudia was going with this.
"I listen to Jay Park and Beyoncé with him. I dance with him. I cook for him. I pat his head and tell him how precious he is to me."
"Do that with Victor," Khoudia said.
"…You want me to listen to Jay Park and Beyoncé with Victor?" Yuuri asked.
"Not necessarily. Unless Victor likes Jay Park and Beyoncé because then yes, do that. But do those things in spirit. Do things Victor likes. Cook for him. Be affectionate."
"Affectionate how?" Khoudia looked at Yuuri and deadpanned. "Is there more affection that I should be doing?"
"Find out how he likes to be touched – both sexually and non-sexually – and do that. But make it special and light." Yuuri nodded.
"What if Victor doesn't care how I touch him as long as I touch him?"
"Then that's good, too," Khoudia said. "But still find out and put it into practice." Khoudia yawned. "Also, a good rule of thumb is to touch him like you touch me." Yuuri nodded. "You know how you sweetly grab my face? You do that to him. Call him something cute, too."
"I already call him 'my happiness.' What else do I say?"
"Your 'happiness' is a good start but find out if he has a nickname that he's fond of and maybe start calling him that." Yuuri nodded again. They looked over at the elevators. Mama Awa and Mouhamadou were on this elevator. Mama Awa ran away from her husband and knelt down in front of Yuuri. She was smiling.
"My hummingbird, are you better today?" Yuuri shrugged. "You have a little bit of color in your face again." Yuuri nodded. Mouhamadou approached them and sat next to his daughter. They started talking about something. "Now, let's all go to breakfast!" Mama Awa grinned. Yuuri looked over at Khoudia who was still talking to her father. "Didn't you two hear me? Let's go to breakfast!" Mama Awa said to Khoudia and Mouhamadou. They kept talking. She deadpanned and looked at Yuuri.
"Should we just leave?" Yuuri asked Mama Awa.
"Let's leave," Mama Awa said. Yuuri nodded and got up and started to follow Mama Awa out of the hotel. Khoudia and Mouhamadou didn't notice that they were gone until Mama Awa and Yuuri reached the corner. "So, hummingbird, how is your girlfriend?" Yuuri was looking at their phone when Mama Awa asked.
"She's fine."
"Does she know that you are a skater?" Yuuri nodded. "Did she see you skate on Friday and Saturday?" Yuuri nodded. "And? What does she think?" Mama Awa smiled.
"She thinks I should go to the doctor, too," Yuuri said. Mama Awa made a face. "She had asked if I was sick and implored me to go. So I guess I'll go to conciliate her."
"Conciliate?"
"Placate, satisfy, soothe," Yuuri said. Mama Awa nodded.
"It is good that you are willing to go to the doctor, so your girlfriend is appeased," Mama Awa said. "It is rather sad that you would go because she told you rather than because I – your mother – want you to, but I am just glad that you are going." Mama Awa stood on her toes to kiss Yuuri's forehead. "Bend down! I'm small!" Yuuri chuckled and crouched down so Mama Awa could kiss Yuuri's forehead. Yuuri stood up straight again. "So when is the wedding?" Yuuri made a face.
"What wedding?"
"The one between you and your girlfriend," Mama Awa said.
"Mama, it's only been a few months."
"I know," she cajoled, "but when is the wedding?! Do you have a timespan in mind? What does she think about marriage? Do you want to have children?" Yuuri chuckled. "Come on now, tell your mother."
"Well, it's only been a few months, and I haven't had that conversation with her yet. It feels like it's too soon to have it."
"It is never too soon to have conversations about marriage," Mama Awa said. "You don't want to waste your time with someone who is otherwise perfect only to find out that they aren't interested in something permanent."
"I'm just dating to see what's out there, you know?" Yuuri said. "Get an idea of what I want and don't want out of a relationship. I'm young; I have time to decide if I want to get married."
"You sound like Kiki," Mama Awa said. "She is not interested in getting married right now. You know, her older sisters are currently engaged. It was challenging finding fiancés for Adeola and Fatou. They're picky."
"And Kiki's even pickier." Mama Awa laughed. "Right?"
"Yes, Kiki is very picky. I don't know what Moumou and I are going to do with her."
"She's picky, but I'm sure that she would make someone a lovely wife," Yuuri remarked. "Your daughter is sweet and caring – in her own, unique way, of course – and anyone would be lucky to have someone like her by their side." Mama Awa nodded and smiled.
"But back to you," Mama Awa said. "Do you have an inkling about whether or not you want to marry this girl?"
"I wouldn't mind being with them forever," Yuuri said.
"Well, you find out, and you tell me." Yuuri smiled. "And don't forget to invite all of us to the wedding." Yuuri laughed.
"I will be sure to invite the entirety of the Bâ-Sène family to my future wedding." Yuuri laughed.
"Good! I look forward to being there!" Yuuri hugged Mama Awa and smiled. She was going to be very disappointed when she finds out about Victor, but Yuuri decided that it would be best to let her live. "My eldest boy," she said, still holding on to Yuuri. "I am so proud of you."
"Thank you, Mama Awa," Yuuri said. They smiled. Mama Awa knew how to make them feel loved. She wasn't their mother – well, she was in a way – but she loved Yuuri like they were. Yuuri fixed one of the pins on her hijab.
"Thank you, hummingbird," she said. "What about children? Do you want to have children?" Yuuri felt like it would be right to bring up Adé, but that would be more complex and damning than anything, so Yuuri settled for something simple.
"I don't really know," Yuuri said. "I'm open to the possibility of having them in the future." Mama Awa smiled.
"Good. Have children." Yuuri sheepishly smiled. "I do not think Kiki wants children, to be honest. It makes me sad that my favorite daughter does not want to give us grandchildren."
"Your favorite daughter?" Yuuri asked. This is news to them; according to Khoudia, it would make more sense that any one of Khoudia's other sisters would be the favorite.
"Yes. I cannot speak for Moumou, but Kiki is my favorite." Yuuri nodded. "She's in college!" Mama Awa squealed. "She's studying an actual field! I've dreamed of going to college when I was younger, but I was never able to. But Kiki – Kiki's studying music! I do not know why music, but she's going for longer than two years!" Mama Awa grabbed Yuuri's face. "Don't you know that I would have sacrificed both of my pinky toes just to go to college for how long Kiki's been going?" Mama Awa sighed happily. "And she's so accomplished, too. She did ballet when she was younger, you know." Yuuri nodded. "And now she's a figure skater. My middle daughter is a figure skater and a musician. People back in Senegal and at the mosque think it's weird – we don't really have ice rinks in Dakar – but I am so proud of Kiki." Yuuri smiled. "I love all of my daughters, and I am proud of all of them, but none of them make my heart swell like Kiki."
"That's really sweet."
"Are your parents proud of you?" Mama Awa asked.
"My mother tells me that she's proud of me, but sometimes I don't feel it."
"I am sure your mother is proud of you," Mama Awa said. "You are smart and multi-talented and very handsome. She has to be proud of you."
"I am not very attractive by Japanese standards, Mama Awa," Yuuri said. "I am not attractive, and my girlfriend has low standards."
"I do not know much about Japan, but you are handsome. Do not shortchange yourself. I am certain that your girlfriend thinks you are handsome, too." Yuuri shrugged. Mama Awa swatted their shoulders. "Do not hump your shoulders."
"Yes, Mama. Sorry, Mama."
"Crouch down," Mama Awa said. Yuuri did as Mama Awa said. She kissed their forehead again. "I love you very much, hummingbird." Yuuri smiled.
"I love you, too, Mama Awa."
"Hey!" Khoudia yelled. Mama Awa let go of Yuuri and looked at her daughter. "Why'd you two leave?" Khoudia approached her mom and stood by her side. Mouhamadou was still walking.
"I told you and your father that it was time for breakfast and neither of you heard me, so Yuuri and I decided to leave." Khoudia side-eyed Yuuri. "Do not side-eye Yuuri. At least he heard me."
"You were talking directly to them. Of course, they'd hear you, Mama." Khoudia looked up at Yuuri's forehead. "Why is there lipstick on your forehead?"
"Mama Awa kissed my forehead a few times." Khoudia nodded. She leaned on her mother and looked in the direction of her father. Mouhamadou finally reached his family. And, from there, they all walked to the café.
So the family reached the café and sat. Mama Awa already decided on what Yuuri was getting: tea and a plain croissant. Yuuri didn't want to argue; instead, they allowed Mama Awa to order for them. The door opened again, and the new café patrons brought in a gust of cold air. Yuuri looked up; it was Victor, Chris, and Yuri. Victor fixed his eyes on Yuuri. When he walked past, he put his hand on their shoulder.
"Yes?" Yuuri murmured.
"There's lipstick on your forehead," Victor said.
"Thank you," Yuuri murmured.
"Do you need me to get it off?" Victor asked.
"I can do that," Khoudia said. She grabbed a napkin and turned Yuuri towards her. She dampened the napkin and started to wipe it off. "Thank you for telling us."
"It's no problem." Victor smiled. He hesitated to let go of Yuuri's shoulder, but he did, eventually and unwillingly. Yuuri inwardly smiled but had to maintain their cool.
"Who was that?" Mama Awa whispered. "Have we seen him before? Do you know him?"
"Mama, that was Victor Nikiforov. He's the Grand Prix gold medalist in Yuuri's section," Khoudia whispered.
"Oh!" Mama Awa said. "Hummingbird, why don't you go talk to him?"
"He's with his people," Yuuri murmured. "I'll leave him alone." Yuuri's phone buzzed twice. They looked at their notifications.
Victor: Don't leave me alone.
Victor: I know we can't be open right here right now, but don't leave me alone.
"You should talk to him, though! Be cordial with the Grand Prix gold medalist!" Yuuri made a face of horror.
"Wh-what do I say to him?" Yuuri asked, trying to hide the horror in their voice. They never thought that they would be encouraged to talk to Victor in public by Mama Awa.
"Start off with 'hi,'" Mama Awa said. "Congratulate him on his win. Ask him about things." Yuuri took a deep breath. "Do it, hummingbird!"
"Yeah, hummingbird," Khoudia said, "do it." She snickered. Yuuri rolled their eyes and sighed. Khoudia nudged them and winked. "If you don't do it, I'm going to laugh at you forever and ever."
"Kiki, stop being rude," Mama Awa said. "But hummingbird, you should do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!" She smiled. Yuuri took a deep breath and got up. They didn't have a far distance to walk to get to Victor's table. Yuuri took a deep breath and put their hands in their pockets.
"Hello," Yuuri murmured.
"Hi," Victor said, smiling. Chris winked at Yuuri. Yuri was on their phone, ignoring everyone.
"Congratulations on your fifth gold medal."
"Thank you," Victor said. "Congratulations on your sixth place." Yuuri deadpanned. Victor smiled and winked. Yuuri rolled their eyes. "Are you going to the banquet tonight, Yuuri?" Yuri looked up from their phone and looked at Yuuri. He made a face.
"I don't know."
"You should go. I'll be there." Yuri grimaced.
"Yeah, I know," Yuuri murmured. "Of course, you'll be there."
"I mean, yeah," Victor said. "I have to be there."
"Plus, you did extremely well at the Grand Prix," Yuuri said. "You deserve to be there."
"And so do you," Victor said. "So, will I see you at the banquet?"
"Maybe. I'll think about it."
"Please do consider. I would like to see you there." Yuuri looked over at Yuri. He was still making that face. Victor smiled.
"Like I said, I'll think about it." Victor smiled harder. "I'll sit down now. It was nice to see you."
"It was nice to see you, too, Yuuri," Victor said. Yuuri returned to their seat and looked at their hands. Khoudia nudged them and snickered.
"So? Was that so bad, hummingbird?" Mama Awa asked. She was smiling.
"It wasn't too painful," Yuuri murmured. "Victor Nikiforov is really nice." Mama Awa smiled.
"So there's a banquet?" Mouhamadou asked, finally speaking up. He put his phone down and looked at Khoudia. He folded his hands on the table. "Kiki, why didn't you tell us about the banquet?"
"It's only for the skaters and the coaches," Khoudia said.
"So? I would have liked to know about this banquet." Khoudia shrugged. "Bring us something to eat back from the banquet."
"I'll do my best to do so, Daddy," Khoudia said. Yuuri looked at their phone again. They had more texts from Victor.
Victor: I'm glad that Mama Awa encouraged you to talk to me in a public place.
Victor: It was very awkward, but it was something!
Victor: Also, you should really go to the banquet. I'd like to see you looking all hot in a suit in person.
: Like I said, I'll think about it.
Victor: We'll talk more about this later.
Victor: And another thing
: Shoot
Victor: I'm going to put on lipstick later and kiss your face all over.
Victor: Since you're content with walking around with smudged lipstick on your forehead.
: ((eye roll emoji))
"Mama, what are you doing after breakfast?" Khoudia asked. Mama Awa looked up from her breakfast. "Yuuri's going to head back to the hotel to get some rest. What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to see my father's daughter." Yuuri made a confused face. "Oh, hummingbird, let me explain." Yuuri nodded. "My father was married twice. My elder sister lives in Marseille." Yuuri nodded. "Did Kiki tell you about A'aisha?"
"No?"
"Well, A'aisha is one of my nieces. She is Omaira's daughter."
"Is Omaira's mom Ivorian?" Khoudia asked. Mama Awa nodded. "That explains everything." Khoudia took a bite of her croissant. "But why is this the first time I'm hearing about Auntie Omaira?"
"I do not talk about my father's first wife's children much," Mama Awa said. "Adeola and Fatou know about them, though. They are very close to your Uncle Talhah." Khoudia nodded, amazed by this revelation. She took a bite of her pain au raisin. "That is not to say that I do not love my elder siblings, but I do not talk about them much. We are not terribly close."
"I might come to see Auntie Omaira with you," Khoudia said. Mama Awa smiled. "Will any of your other siblings be there?"
"Maybe Samirah and Kadidiatou. They live nearby, too." Mama Awa sighed. "I do not remember where Zayd, Sidqi, Uthman, Ubaydullah, and Zafarullah live. They either live in Abidjan or Paris." Khoudia nodded.
"Why do we have big families?"
"Because children are our blessings. You are a blessing whom people love and on whom they pin their hopes," Mouhamadou said. "Back home, we are considered to be a small family."
"…You have seven kids," Yuuri pointed out.
"I know," Mouhamadou said. "We are small but lovely."
"Are y'all, like, done having kids?" Yuuri asked. They bit their tongue at their brazenness, but it was a question that's come up in Yuuri's head time and time again. They see Khoudia's large and happy family and they wonder if it could get any bigger.
"Maybe. Depends on if we are blessed with another one," Mama Awa said. Khoudia spat out her hot chocolate. "Are you okay, Kiki?"
"Don't have another baby," Khoudia said.
"We cannot control it if we have another one." Yuuri looked at Khoudia. She wanted to say something about how birth control and condoms exist – and how condoms are practically free – but she held herself back. She's "not supposed to know about condoms and birth control." "I would like another baby," Mama Awa wistfully said. Mouhamadou looked up and at his wife.
"Please, no more babies," Khoudia said. "I don't know what I'd do with another sister."
"Just another son then," Mama Awa said.
"We already have Amadou and Malik," Mouhamadou reminded Mama Awa. Even he was averse to the thought of having more children.
"Just another son," Mama Awa repeated. "We can name him Hakim." Mama Awa smiled. "He can smell like baby lotion and baby powder, and we can dress him up all cute." Mama Awa took a sip of her coffee. "And you, Adeola, and Fatou can help me take care of him. You three need to learn how to take care of a baby before you have your own." Mama Awa looked at Yuuri. They were picking the flakes off of their croissant. "And you can learn, too, Yuuri." Yuuri stopped picking at their croissant and looked at Mama Awa.
"Why me?" Yuuri asked.
"You need to learn how to take care of a baby, too."
"Taking care of babies isn't hard," Khoudia said. "All you have to do is feed it daily and remember to occasionally clean the tank."
"Kiki, taking care of a human baby is much different than taking care of a fish," Mama Awa said. "There is a lot that goes into childrearing, and it is very evident that you have no clue what you're talking about."
"You're right. I don't have a clue on what I'm talking about. I'm not even planning on having children." Mama Awa deadpanned. "What? I don't want kids. Don't expect grandkids from me."
"I want grandkids from all of my children. So you are having children." Khoudia rolled her eyes. "Do not roll your eyes at me, Khoudia."
"Yes, Mama. Sorry, Mama," Khoudia murmured. She started to wipe up the hot chocolate she spat out. "I'm still not getting pregnant, though."
"You will change your mind," Mama Awa plainly said. She looked at Yuuri again. "Stop playing with your croissant, hummingbird. You have not even had a bite." Yuuri tore off a piece of their croissant and put it in their mouth. "Good, now eat more. You look sick." The only thought that came to Yuuri's mind was "good." But Yuuri slowly ate their croissant under Mama Awa's maternal gaze. It was like being home with Phichit all over again.
#
(Sunday, 13 December 2015 – 10:45am, Marseille, France)
Breakfast was pretty okay. Mama Awa was satisfied by Yuuri eating their whole croissant and drinking most of their tea. She and Khoudia dropped Yuuri off at the hotel, and Yuuri went up to their room. They laid on their bed and closed their eyes. Victor hadn't texted them his whereabouts and where they're going to be meeting. So Yuuri laid in Victor's spot and waited for their phone to go off.
And, sure enough, it did. Yuuri reached for their phone and picked up. "Yes?"
"Just calling you to check in," Mama Awa said. Yuuri smiled. Their phone buzzed. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, Mama Awa. I'm in bed relaxing."
"Good. Any vomiting?"
"No, Mama Awa," Yuuri said.
"Good. Call me if you need me."
"I will, Mama Awa," Yuuri said. "Love you."
"Love you, too, mon colibri." She ended the call. Yuuri looked at their notifications. Sure enough, it was Victor.
Victor: Where are you? I'm downstairs.
: I'm upstairs. Do you want me to come down?
Victor: That would be nice, love.
Yuuri got up and fixed their clothes. They grabbed their coat and put it on. Then they grabbed their phone and their glasses and stood at the door. They brought their fingers to their peripheral vision and started to wiggle them. They were thinking about if they needed something else. Yuuri began to murmur "something else" like they were a broken record. Their phone buzzed again.
Victor: Actually, I'll come up to get you.
Yuuri looked at the text and put their phone back. They resumed stimming and looking around. They don't think that there's anything else that they'd need, but they still wanted to be sure.
Yuuri was standing there for about four minutes. And, within those four minutes, Victor was standing on the other side of the door, knocking. "Yuuri," Victor said. "It's me." Yuuri opened the door and turned back around. Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri's waist and looked at Yuuri stim. "What are you doing?" He briefly let go to close the door behind him.
"I'm thinking," Yuuri murmured. Victor kissed Yuuri's cheek.
"Thinking about what?"
"'Do I have everything I need?'"
"Do you have your phone? Your glasses?" Yuuri nodded. "Do you want to bring your sketchbook? Do you want to draw?" Yuuri shrugged. "Well, let's bring your sketchbook and art supplies just in case, okay?" Yuuri nodded. They went to their suitcase and carry-on bag for their bag and art things. Yuuri shoveled it all in their bag and returned to Victor's arms. "Now, what else do you need?" Victor said. Yuuri shrugged and continued to stim. Victor put their hands in Yuuri's pockets and felt tissues and receipts. They took out the receipts and tissues out and looked at them.
"What are you doing?" Yuuri asked.
"Cleaning your pockets. There's so much junk in them." Yuuri shrugged and continued stimming. Victor went back in Yuuri's pockets. He felt change in them; he left that alone but took out Yuuri's Vaseline. He uncapped their Vaseline tin and applied some on his lips. Then Victor stood in front of Yuuri.
"What are you doing now?"
"Putting some Vaseline on your lips. They look chapped." Victor applied the Vaseline to Yuuri's lips and kissed them. "Much better."
"Thank you," Yuuri said. They continued stimming.
"Do you have your hat?" Yuuri touched the top of their head. They shook their head. Victor went over to the bed and gave it to Yuuri. "Here you go." Yuuri put on their hat and leaned into Victor. "What else do you need?"
"I think that's it," Yuuri murmured. Then they remembered their Xanax. "Actually, no, that's not it." Yuuri broke free from Victor's arms and knelt down in front of their suitcase. They took out their bottle of Xanax and put it in the small pouch of their bag. They didn't know if they'd need it, but they'd have it in case they do. Yuuri got up and stood in front of Victor. "I think I'm ready now."
"Good. Now let's go!" Victor grabbed Yuuri's hand and opened the door. They walked hand in hand to the elevator. Yuuri pushed the down button. Victor was grinning from ear to ear. Yuuri looked at him and smiled. "I can't believe we're going to go to a museum here! Together!" Yuuri kissed Victor's cheek and smiled.
"It's going to be great," Yuuri said.
"It is!" Victor gushed. "We're going to go to the museum and the Old Port, and it's going to be a lovely date with my lovely boyfriend!" Victor kissed Yuuri and smiled. He looked so excited to be going out with Yuuri, and that made Yuuri smile. "Oh, wait!" Victor said. He reached into Yuuri's pocket and took out their glasses. He gently placed them on Yuuri's face. Victor kissed Yuuri again. "The face that I love." Yuuri kissed their boyfriend and leaned on him. The elevator came; they got on, and Victor pressed the button for the ground floor. Then Yuuri remembered what Khoudia wanted them to ask Victor.
"Oh!" Yuuri said. Victor looked down at them. "Do you have a nickname you like to be called?" Victor made a face.
"Not really," Victor said. "Why?"
"I want to call you something, and I want to know if there's a nickname you'd like to be called." Victor nodded.
"Just call me 'yours,' and I'll be fine forever." Yuuri nodded and kissed him. They kept their face by Victor's. "Say it."
"Say what?"
"Say I'm yours," Victor whispered. The elevator stopped, and the doors opened. Yuuri immediately pulled away. They took deep breaths and kept their eyes focused on the buttons. Victor sighed and tried to refocus himself. A hetero couple stepped on the elevator, holding hands and giggling wildly. Victor looked over at them and sighed wistfully. He put his arm around Yuuri's shoulder, and Yuuri looked up at him. Victor smiled and took out his phone.
Victor: That's going to be us when we get home.
Victor gestured for Yuuri to check their phone. Yuuri did as Victor signaled and looked. He smiled.
: I'd hope that'd be us when we get home.
The elevator stopped on the first floor, and everyone got off. Victor removed his arm from his Yuuri's shoulders and grabbed their hand. "Do you think we'll run into Jean today?" Yuuri asked.
"I'd hope not," Victor said.
"Hey! Victor!" Victor cursed under his breath and turned around. It was Jean-Jacques and Isabella again. Yuuri loosened their grip on Victor's hand, but Victor wouldn't let go. "You're with the new skater again," Jean said. Victor nodded and smiled. Yuuri looked over at Isabella; she was busy looking pretty again. She had on a dark purple lipstick today. "Where are you two going today?"
"We're going to a museum."
"That's nice," Jean-Jacques said. "Isabella and I are going to the park." Yuuri nodded.
"Are you Asian, too?" Isabella asked Yuuri. Her voice was sweet and gentle. Yuuri nodded. "What are you? I'm Gaoshan. My mother is from Taiwan."
"I'm Japanese," Yuuri said. Isabella nodded. "You look really pretty with purple lipstick." Isabella smiled toothily. Her teeth were a little bit crooked, but it was cute. Her smile was really cute, too.
"Thank you!" Isabella said. "I hope you have a nice date at the museum." Yuuri blushed.
"Th-thank you," Yuuri said.
"Well, we should get going," Victor said. "It was nice seeing to you two."
"And it was very nice seeing you two, too," Jean-Jacques said. "Have a nice date at the museum!" Victor made a face but smiled anyway.
"We will," Yuuri said. They walked away and didn't speak until they were at the corner. "Isabella seems nice." Victor nodded. "She's really pretty, too."
"She is," Victor said.
"Do you think that it'll be a problem?" Yuuri asked. Victor looked down at Yuuri. "I mean, they called our outing a date, and you wouldn't let go of my hand when Jean stopped us. They probably think we're together."
"Aren't we together?" Victor asked.
"We are, but I'm trying to save your back here."
"Save my back from what? They think we're together and we're going on a date. I don't see a problem." Yuuri sighed.
"But there is a problem!" Yuuri started walking; they pulled Victor along. "You're with me."
"That's not a problem," Victor said. "I love being with you."
"That isn't what I meant."
"Then explain it."
"You're with me." Victor nodded. "A male-bodied person. You are holding hands with me." Victor nodded again. "Two people plainly said that you are going on a date with me. They know; they can tell."
"And I don't care," Victor said. "If people talk about us, they will talk." Yuuri rolled their eyes. "Plus, it's not like they have any proof that I'm holding your hand and we're going on a date." Yuuri sighed. "The most they can say is that they ran into us and we're going to a museum." Yuuri sighed again. "Nothing bad will happen; I won't let anything bad happen to us." Yuuri remained silent. Victor wasn't getting what Yuuri was trying to convey, or he was getting it and he was being willfully obtuse. Yuuri couldn't see why Victor would be willfully obtuse about something so serious, but Yuuri just wanted to forget this, get to the museum, and look at some art with their baby.
But no. They had to worry about what other people would say and how this would impact both of their careers.
#
(Sunday, 13 December 2015 – 2:15pm, Marseille, France)
Yuuri and Victor were at La Samaritaine. They had gone to the Old Port earlier, and it was so peaceful to listen to the waves with their happiness. Victor had remarked that the Old Port is really beautiful at night. Yuuri had wanted to come back to the Old Port to see it looking pretty, but Victor reminded them that they have to attend the banquet. Yuuri flat out said that they weren't going to go, but Victor insisted on it, trying to appeal to their basal senses. Yuuri rolled their eyes and mentally recited sutras to resist, but, in the end, they said that they would consider it. They'd been considering it since they were on the plane, but they hadn't come to a complete decision.
Khoudia: I ran into Ciao Ciao, and I told him that you don't want to go to the banquet
Khoudia: So now he wants to talk to you
: Is he going to call?
Khoudia: Maybe?
Khoudia: If he calls, be sure to pick up, ma raison
: I'll think about it.
Khoudia: ((eye roll emoji))
"Who was it?" Victor asked as he sipped at his wine.
"Khoudia." Victor nodded. "She told Ciao Ciao that I don't want to go to the banquet."
"And?"
"He might call me to chastise me. I don't know when, but he might." Victor nodded. He took another sip of wine. "But, until then, I won't worry about it. I'm with you." Victor smiled and reached out for Yuuri's hand. He stroked Yuuri's hand gently and smiled.
"I still think you should go," Victor murmured. "As I've said, I'll be there." Victor looked at the centerpiece on the table. It was a faux coconut with faux Lilium davidii in the holes. It was pretty. "Plus, Chris and Khoudia will be there, too. It won't be so bad."
"I know that, but I don't want to be there," Yuuri said.
"I know you don't want to be there."
"Then why should I go?" Victor sighed. Yuuri's phone started to ring. They checked their phone. "It's Ciao Ciao."
"Pick up," Victor said. Yuuri did as Victor said.
"Hello?"
"Yuuri!" Coach Cialdini yelled. "Why did Khoudia tell me about you not wanting to go to the banquet? What is this?"
"I don't want to go," Yuuri plainly said. "It feels so pointless to me." Victor tapped Yuuri's hand.
"You are not going to embarrass me by not coming," Coach Cialdini said. "Where are you?
"The Old Port." Coach Cialdini made flabbergasted sounds on the other end.
"Why are you there?!"
"I was thinking about jumping," Yuuri casually said. Victor looked appalled. Yuuri tapped his hand. They'll have to explain that to Victor later.
"You can jump all you want," Coach Cialdini said. "Just do it after the banquet. Because you're going." Yuuri rolled their eyes. "That's that, and I refuse to debate this with you any further."
"Okay. Whatever," Yuuri said.
"Don't 'whatever' me, Yuuri," Coach Cialdini said. Yuuri ended the call, and they put down their phone. They sighed. So they're going to the banquet.
"Why would you jump? Don't you love me?"
"I do," Yuuri said. "I usually say outlandish things to Ciao Ciao. Don't take that too seriously." Victor nodded. "I guess I'm going to the banquet." Victor brought his hands to his mouth to mask his mouth. Yuuri could tell from the crinkle in the corners of his eyes that he was grinning. "I'm going to complain the entire time, though."
"And that's okay! As long as you're there!" Yuuri shrugged. "I'm so glad you're going. I get to see you looking good in a suit. We get to inhabit the same space. I get to look at you."
"You always get to look at me, though," Yuuri said.
"Not true. You wanted to blindfold me once." Yuuri shrugged. "I'm glad you let me look at you, though." Yuuri sheepishly smiled. "Why don't you like that?"
"Like what?"
"Being looked at." Yuuri shrugged. "Are you shrugging because you don't know or because you don't want to tell me?"
"It makes me feel uncomfortable," Yuuri said. They took a sip of wine; it burned, but they persisted in drinking. "I don't like the feeling of eyes being on me. It makes me feel gross."
"Do you mind it when I look at you?" Victor asked as he squeezed Yuuri's hand.
"I've grown accustomed to it."
"Do you want me to stop?"
"Don't," Yuuri said. "I like it when you look at me now." Victor smiled. He reached for his phone and went to the camera. "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to take pictures of you," Victor said. Yuuri made a face. Victor took two flicks. "Now smile." Yuuri did as Victor asked. They took another sip of wine and Victor took a flick. "You're pretty."
"Odd," Yuuri said as they smiled. "Thank you."
"No, thank you," Victor said. Yuuri made a face; Victor took another flick.
"For what?"
"Coming out with me despite not feeling good." The waitress came out with their soups. Victor had gotten a soupe à l'oignon. Yuuri was going to get that, too, but Victor insisted on something that would easier on them. So they agreed that Yuuri would have consommé. Yuuri thanked the waitress and brought the bowl to their lips. It was still hot, so they put it down. "What? Is something wrong?"
"The bowl's still hot," Yuuri said. Victor nodded. They wiped down their spoon and put it in their soup. They took a spoonful. "Is it good?" Victor nodded and smiled. "That's good." Yuuri touched the side of the bowl again. It was still hot.
"Why don't you use a spoon?" Yuuri made a face and looked at the spoon. Then they looked back at their soup. "Do you know how to use a spoon?"
"Of course I know how to use a spoon," Yuuri said as they picked up the spoon and pointed it at Victor. "I just don't know if I want to use a spoon," they said as they wagged the spoon. Victor laughed. Victor took another flick. "Did you really take a picture of me holding a spoon?"
"Yes. This is priceless, and I want to preserve it." Yuuri laughed. They touched the side of the bowl again. "Okay, this is good." Yuuri put the spoon down and brought the bowl to their lips again. They slurped. Victor looked at them; Yuuri continued to slurp. They put down their bowl. "Yes?"
"You know slurping is considered rude in the West, right?" Yuuri picked up their bowl again and slurped.
"Yes," Yuuri said, once they put their bowl down.
"But you're going to keep doing it?"
"I'm going to keep doing it," Yuuri said. Victor chuckled. "Do you think people could hear me over the sound of their utensils scraping their eating object?"
"'Eating object,'" Victor repeated. Yuuri nodded. "It's dishware, baby."
"'Dishware,' 'eating object,' it makes no difference to me. It holds your food, and you eat off of it."
"You don't eat out glasses, and that's dishware," Victor retorted.
"You don't know what I do." Victor snickered. "If I eat out of a drinking glass, I'm eating out of a drinking glass." Victor snickered harder. "I do what I want."
"And what do you want?" Victor asked.
"Right now?" Victor nodded. "I want to go home."
"We're going to go home tomorrow." Victor reached out to touch their hand. He smiled. "We're going to go home, and I can be with you openly soon."
"I just want this to be over," Yuuri said, referring to the Grand Prix and this cup in front of them. Victor took a deep breath.
"It's going to be over soon. You can last one more day." Yuuri weakly smiled. "I believe in you." Yuuri looked at their bowl. "Do you want to resume drinking? Should I let go of your hand now?"
"You can hold my hand later."
"I was planning on that." Yuuri smiled. They picked up their bowl and drank more. They were halfway done already. "Do you want my bread?" Victor pointed at his bread with his spoon. Yuuri looked down at it. Victor took it out of his soup and placed it in Yuuri's. Yuuri looked at the bread. They picked it up and took a bite of it. After they swallowed, they started to feel nauseous. "So?" Yuuri put it back in Victor's soup.
"It makes me feel sick." Victor nodded and took a bite of the bread. Yuuri returned to their soup despite feeling nauseous. They could handle the soup. They brought the bowl to their lips and ingested the soup.
"I can't wait until we get home." Yuuri nodded. Victor reached for his phone and snapped a flick of Yuuri with the bowl to their mouth. Yuuri put down their bowl and smiled. They grabbed their phone and took a flick of Victor. They had taken selfies of them when they were at the port and the museum, but they hadn't picked up their phone to take flicks while they were here. Victor smiled. Yuuri took another flick. "Are you going to continue taking pictures of me?"
"That is the intent," Yuuri said.
"Don't stop."
"I won't stop." Victor smiled. Yuuri took another flick. "Your smile is so gorgeous."
"So is yours." Yuuri smiled. Victor took a flick of Yuuri. "My perfection."
"My happiness," Yuuri said. They put down their phone to pick up their bowl. They slurped. Victor giggled. Yuuri quickly put down their bowl and got a flick of Victor as he wrapped up his giggling. Victor took a bite of bread and Yuuri got a flick of that, too. Victor started laughing once he put his bread down. Yuuri took another flick. They reached for their bowl, keeping their phone in one hand and the bowl in another. They slurped some more as they waited for Victor to do something else.
"What are you doing now?" Victor asked.
"Waiting," Yuuri simply said. Victor made a face; Yuuri took a flick. They didn't put down their phone; instead, they drank more of their soup. They were almost done.
"You're almost done," Victor remarked. Yuuri nodded. "I'm glad that you're eating… Well, drinking." Yuuri shrugged and drank more soup. "Do you feel better?"
"I feel… I don't know," Yuuri said. They shrugged and waited for Victor to do something else. "I don't know how I feel."
"Okay, how do you feel physically?" Victor asked. Yuuri shrugged. Victor deadpanned. "How about emotionally?" Yuuri shrugged again. Victor sighed. "Do you actually not know or do you not want to tell me?"
"I actually don't know." Yuuri took another drink of soup. "If I knew, I'd tell you."
"No, you wouldn't," Victor said. Yuuri deadpanned. They were tempted to get up and leave, but they also didn't feel like it. So Yuuri just deadpanned and sighed. Yuuri knew that Victor, in one way or another, was right. They'd probably tell Phichit or Khoudia – hell, even Coach Cialdini – before they'd burden Victor with their problems. "You do know I'm here, right?" Yuuri nodded. "I'd wish you tell me more. It feels like trying to draw blood from a stone trying to get you to open up to me sometimes."
"I'm sorry. What do you need me to do?"
"Talk to me candidly. Let me be there for you." Yuuri nodded and took a sip of wine. "I want to be there."
"Can I tell you how I feel?"
"That'd be a nice start." Yuuri nodded. "So let's try this again: How are you feeling physically?"
"I'm feeling fine, I think." Victor nodded. "I think you were right to convince me to get a light soup." Victor smiled.
"How are you feeling emotionally?" Yuuri took a sip of wine and bit their lip. "How do you feel about the banquet?"
"I'd still rather not go."
"But you're going. Your coach said that you were." Yuuri shrugged.
"Aside from that, I guess I'm just tired," Yuuri said, waving their hand flippantly. They almost knocked down their glass. Yuuri moved their glass in front of them. They slurped more soup. "I'm tired of being here. I want to go home."
"And we will be home soon. It's just one more day, and we can get through this." Victor reached out to touch Yuuri's hand. "It's going to be okay."
"I know it's going to be okay," Yuuri said, "but I just want this to be over now." Victor nodded. "I miss my bed. I miss the hamsters. I miss Detroit." Victor nodded again. Yuuri took a sip of wine. "I just want to go home."
"And we're going to. Just give it a little bit longer." Victor brought Yuuri's hand to his mouth and kissed their knuckles. "A little bit longer." Yuuri nodded. They looked down at Victor's soup; he was almost done, too.
"What do you want to do after we finish eating?" Yuuri asked.
"What do you mean?" Victor asked. "Don't you want to get back to the hotel to get ready for the banquet?"
"I'd still rather not go to the banquet," Yuuri said.
"But you're still going." Yuuri nodded. "What else could we do before we get ready?"
"I don't know. That's what I was asking you." Victor deadpanned. "I don't want to have to go back to the hotel yet." Victor took a large sip of wine. "Maybe we can walk down the port again."
"We can do that," Victor said.
"Can we walk slowly? I want to take my time with you." Victor smiled.
"We can do that, too." Yuuri smiled. "I'll finish eating so we can walk down the port again."
"Thank you," Yuuri said before they took a sip of wine. They finished their soup and continued to drink their wine. They leaned back in their chair and smiled. Victor reached for Yuuri's hand and started to tap on it. "Yes?"
"Nothing," Victor said. He smiled. "I love you so much." Yuuri smiled and nodded. They took a sip of wine. "You make me so happy."
"You are my happiness," Yuuri said. Victor smiled. "Would you like it if I called you that?"
"Call me yours and I will be content." Yuuri smiled and exhaled. "Say it."
"I want to say it when it's right." Victor rolled his eyes. "Plus, don't you already know you're mine?"
"I know I am, but I want to hear you say it." Yuuri shook their head and took a large sip of wine. They'd need it to hear this. "I don't see your preoccupation with things being 'right.' Just tell me I'm yours, and I'll leave you alone."
"No you won't," Yuuri said. Victor chuckled.
"You're right. I wouldn't and I couldn't." Yuuri nodded and took a sip of wine. "Are you ever going to say it to me?"
"I will; don't worry." Victor sighed and put on a smile. "Why are you smiling if you're upset?"
"You can tell?"
"No. I'm just assuming you're mildly upset," Yuuri said. "I mean; I think I'd be some shade of upset if someone I love didn't say something important to me." Yuuri looked at their glass of wine. "I don't know. But if you're upset, tell me."
"Fine, I'm upset." Yuuri nodded.
"If it means so much to you, I'll say it."
"No, don't say it. Say it when you're ready." Yuuri knit their brows. They were confused now. Does Victor not want them to say it now? Yuuri sighed and took a sip of wine. They were almost done, but they didn't want to be. The more time between them and the banquet the better.
So now Yuuri has to extend their time with Victor by any means necessary.
Ryuugazaki: Three chapters to go until we get to the next part!
Also, a book recommendation: Crime and Punishment. I read it when I was 16 and it's a super good fucking book. And there's also a really old movie about it which is also super good. I suggest reading Dostoyevsky to everyone because not only do they get philosophy
They get depression.