Chapter 116: Letters to you
Neutral,
It is terrifying sending these, and you know it kills me to admit that. It fires me up that I can't control what's happening, what's been happening. It feels like I'm floating around in deep space with no jet fuel. Frag I hope you're ok. I hope it is you and not some random bot who is probably super confused right now. These are meant for you Neutral.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
I wish I knew if you were even getting these. I have no way to tell. For all I know the transmitter got hit by a comet and turned into space dust with just enough energy to link to a random terminal in space! …It's possible! I have so much to tell you, and nowhere near enough time or space. But I miss you and I forgive you, and I hope you've forgiven yourself. I can't wait to see you again. I'm sorry to make you wait when you've already waited for so long. I don't even know if you're still waiting, but if you are…thank you.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
I haven't told you much about them, the other one you didn't kill. Our little guy. Well, he's not actually little. Taller than me actuall, it's really not fair but what do you expect? He's so sweet, you'd adore him. He's grown so much, I wish you could have seen it. But you'll meet him someday, I promise.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
I hope you're alright. I know you weren't doing well when you…retired. I wish I was there for you. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't disappeared for so long. I wonder if I could have helped you, changed things…but what good are what ifs when it's already happened. We can only move forward from here. I hope you know I don't blame you anymore. We both did the best we could, I do believe that, realize that, now. Stay safe, stay hidden, I promise I'll find you as soon as I can. I've made it this far. I won't quit now. You know how stubborn I can be.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
Was it weird, trying to become friends with me, knowing what you knew. I didn't know about you, but you knew what I was. What did you think of me? Were your assumptions about us proven true? Or did you stop seeing that and start seeing me? It's clear that whatever the case was, it changed us both. Do you think others could come to see it too? Do you think they'd be able to look past what they think they know?
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
It occurred to me that you may not even believe it's really me. I don't know how to prove it without seeing you, but I'll try. Once, near when we first met, you ruined my landing. You think fairytales are good reference material for pick-up lines. You're an absolute letch, and you can't deny it with how often you groped me! But I'll admit, at least here, that I didn't hate it, entirely. I hope you believe it's me, but I get that it's pretty unbelievable, after all this time, for me to just write out of the blue. But maybe there's something to this letter writing thing, I'm sure you'd agree, after all, you wrote me one too.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
Oh I had such a spark attack today! HE is too quiet for his size, I don't know how he can move so swiftly. Must get it from you because I'm too much of a klutz. I can still catch him before he sneaks a cookie out of the jar though, so I'll take what small victories I can get.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
I don't know how you ever survived paperwork. I don't know how I've lasted so long behind a desk either. You wouldn't believe where I ended up. The irony is not lost on me, ever. I'll tell you all about it when we meet up again. All this paperwork would be worth it if I get to see you again. It's the only fragging reason I took the job after all…well, one of the reasons. He was the other. He's doing amazing, I can see your spark in his smile.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
I wish you'd been there, as he was growing, when he first spoke to me, when I first held him. It was hard, going through that alone, without you. I know you'd have been good for him, look at the mech yours turned out to be. Talk about a chip off the old block. Wish me luck with this one, he's got a knack for trouble sometimes. I blame you for his charm though; it's what he uses to get away with trouble.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
I hope you like his name when you learn it. I can't say it and put him at risk, but I got it from you. And any of his other nicknames would be an immediate tipoff. It was meant to honor you in a way. I'm proud of him and us. He's sort of a prize for everything that happened. I'm so grateful for him. And to you for helping me get him. His life isn't what I envisioned when we spoke of parks that one time, but it works. For now at least.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
Sometimes, missing you hits me like a bag of bricks. I think I'm ok, I feel fine, and then something reminds me of you and my spark aches, like someone stabbed it. I didn't think I'd ever feel like this. I didn't think I would miss you this much. I tried to forget you for the longest time. I tried to erase you from my spark. Obviously that failed, and thank primus. I worry, did it feel like this for you too?
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
There seems to be a lot of activity on your side recently. Do you know something we don't? Do you know what we do? Even if you could respond, it wouldn't feel right having you tell me. After all, wasn't it politics that ruined everything between us last time? Whatever is going on, I hope you're ok. I was looking back, far beyond what I thought I knew; your original intentions, for everything. I hope you remember why you started everything. Who you were hoping to help. I'm trying to do more. Maybe my efforts will reach you. I hope you like what you hear.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
He doesn't know the truth. I haven't told him yet, he's probably not what you'd expect, if you don't know the whole story. But I promise, I'm not hiding it to hurt you. I will tell him, when I can. There's too much at risk right now. I can't put him in danger, he isn't ready. I'm not ready, there is still so much to plan. But it will be worth it, seeing you again. I've lost so much time.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
Are you eating well? I don't know if your eating habits have changed, but when we meet up again I'll make you something special. I've learned to cook. Can you believe it? My mom would be so proud. Our Prize likes my energon goodies best, I'm sure you'd like them too. You had more of a sweet tooth than I did.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
It's been a whole since I started these little notes. I've lost track of how many I've sent but I pay more attention now, for thing's I'd like to tell you. Short bits about my day. Useless stuff, but…nice. I wish you could respond.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
Bots suck. Truly. Slag all of them somedays. I'm no saint but sweet Primus! One scandal seems to open up 10 more. No wonder we're still fighting. Good bots are so hard to find and keep good. Is this a power thing? Do we need more control? More supervision? At what point do essential freedoms start being threatened? How can we fix this? How do you make a new world? I'm really not suited for this kind of work, I'm a grunt at my core. This is hard. What were you envisioning when this started?
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
Did many of your friends survive the war? Well, wars. I know the loud, praise crazy one made it. I lost a lot of friends when I…returned. But many made it to this day and age. They greeted me, welcomed me back. I felt so guilty about you. I still wonder what they'll say, when they learn the truth. They're bound to eventually. Did you know, we weren't the only ones? I found someone else, someone like me, searching for someone like you. I think you'd like him. He wasn't as lucky as us, but he helped me find you, so be sure to say thanks.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
I just witnessed something absolutely hilarious! I copied the file too, so I'll show it to you when I get the chance. I was going through some footage and found a video of my 'friend' – I use this term loosely – managing to get shot in the faceplate with training paint pellets, one went into his intake, it was perfect. Jerk thought he could bury that footage, ha!
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
He's getting more freedom. I'm happy for it. He's still being very sheltered, he's special after all, but I think he's finally getting enough breathing room to become his own bot. Let's just say some bots are more supportive of that than others. It's a struggle trying not to keep him with me, all the time. To know everything he's up to, to let him grow into his own. But I trust him, and I'll still be there for him. Someday he'll know you're there too. He won't be alone.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
I've changed a lot since we parted. I'm sure you have too and that worries me. What if we've changed too much? In some ways I think I'm more like you, but in others…What if we're not who the other originally fell for? I'm shooting in the dark here.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie.
Neutral,
I'm glad you found her, after I disappeared. I'm glad you found a friend, to help you. You deserved that and more. I never got to meet her, but I met her spark mate. She gave me the letter. They are together in the Well now. She said you were only friends, but I can't stop my worry, even though I'm really not in a position to be jealous. I know it's stupid, I can't help it. Tell me about it when we meet up.
I'll write again.
Love,
Cutie
Neutral,
Something has happened. He transformed. He's just like you. There's no hiding it now. I'm going to tell him. The wheels have begun turning, let's hope we don't get run over.
Love,
Cutie
End Chapter 116