Mah peeps! I am still very much alive, despite some of you probably wondering otherwise. First off, thank you all for being so patient and for your reviews during this lull (A nonnie, I love you, and your words are such highlights for me ^.^). It means so much to mean that you all haven't flipped out at this long break, which was a great deal longer than I anticipated.

So, here's the lowdown. I left my job (quite maliciously, if I do say so myself). Before and after this event, I spent my life doing nothing but working, taking care of my animals, and sleeping. I was falling asleep about four hours earlier than my usual time, and it still wasn't enough. So now that I'm on the rebound from that place (turns out they did more of a mental number on me than I'd realized), I have a new temporary job to bring me some income while I take an online class that if passed successfully, makes it so that I can get a much better, more stable job with a much larger income and hopefully without the sheer abusive insanity of my former workplace.

And now that that's out of the way, let's get back to it! I apologize if it seems a bit off. The next chapter probably will be too as I get back into the swing of the story, but hopefully it won't be noticeable. I hope everyone had lovely Christmases/related holidays, and New Year's! Love you all and enjoy!

It seemed like mere seconds before I found myself in front of a door, the sight of which held much trepidation and no small amount of dread.

There wasn't an audible sound of voices through the door, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. My mind was my worst enemy as it instantly plagued me with images of Salazar and Lady Delagio…renewing their acquaintance.

Shaking my head viciously, I took a deep breath, feeling it shudder through my nose, and tried to control the trembling in my hand when I raised it to knock on the door.

It didn't work.

The silence after my too-quiet knock seemed heavy, oppressive, and it only grew thicker as I struggled to build up the courage to knock again.

Before I had the chance to, an achingly familiar voice bit out, "Enter."

He said not to come back…how mad will he be that I did? God, my legs are shaking.

'Useless…ungrateful…'

I wanted nothing more than to turn around and run, but I couldn't let myself do that. Not until I'd come to at least try to fix the damage I'd done, the pain I'd caused. And I knew I'd hurt him with my callous words. I'd lashed out through my own turmoil and had only made it infinitely worse.

I'd never wanted this.

After everything he'd done for me, the very least that I owed him was to try and make amends.

If he never forgave me…so be it. It would only be fitting for me to suffer from my own stupidity, at this point. God, I was stupid. Mom always told me she'd never had any stupid children, but honestly, at this point, she'd been lying through her teeth.

But I'd knocked; now I had to follow through. Nothing would be solved by running away this time. I'd broken this, it was my job to do what I could to piece it back together.

Sucking in another quivering breath, I pushed the door open, unprepared for the kick of pressure in my sternum at seeing Salazar sitting at his desk, not even looking up from the numerous papers he was pouring over.

I moved slowly, my legs wobbling as I made my way over to stand in front of his desk, fingers clenched in tight fists that dug nails into skin.

Swallowing was almost impossible, but I managed to wet my tongue enough to croak, "I'm sorry."

Silence rang in my ears, but except for an unpleasant tingle down my spine, nothing indicated he was even acknowledging my existence.

I closed my eyes on a fresh jolt of pain at his coldness, then continued. "I…sometimes, can't control my mouth very well, when I'm scared or-or nervous…and blurt out things I don't mean. I was angry, and…and confused. I never should have said what I did. And I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I never thought you were like that, never. Even when I first met you, I knew consciously you wouldn't hurt me, not intentionally, anyway, even though I gave the impression of otherwise."

The quill continued to scratch quietly. It was as if I wasn't even there. His notes were in Spanish, so I couldn't even begin to guess what he was writing.

"But…no matter what I…thought, I never should have said what I did." I closed my eyes, the stinging growing stronger until it finally slipped out from between my lashes. "Never."

The quill never stopped moving, even for a second. Even when he refreshed the ink, it was in constant motion, his head bent as he paid attention only to the words on the page.

I opened my mouth to keep talking, but nothing came out. Not even a whisper.

There was nothing left to say. No words left to try and fix this. Not from me anyway. Now it was all up to him, if he felt he could forgive me for saying what I had.

Whatever his choice, I would survive. Broken, yes, but I would survive.

My head dropped and I squeezed my eyes shut harder, feeling tears trickling down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry."

I turned and slowly walked away, closing the door quietly behind me. No sound followed my exit.

My mind raced in circles, trying to think of something, anything¸ I could do to help apologize, but I knew the truth. There was nothing else I could do.

Actions spoke louder than words, yes, but sometimes even they weren't loud enough.

I wanted to slide down the wall and cry, or just curl up into a ball and melt into a corner.

But I didn't.

My legs kicked into gear, and it seemed like forever, a sharp contrast to before my apology, before I recognized my surroundings as the Mary's hold.

I scoffed wryly. Seems like the hold's the place to be these days…

I shook my head lightly at my own whimsy and found a spot, out of sight, to curl up as I waited for the misery to pass. Nobody would be looking for me for a while, and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to find me. Salazar was the only one who could find me when I didn't want to be found, and that was only if he wanted to find me. And as of this moment, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

Thoughts began to roll through my mind on a wave of dark thunderclouds.

Words snapped in a harsh tone echoed in my ears, whispering and meshing with my own doubts and fears. I understood that Salazar had only lashed out because I'd wounded him first, and I knew that to an extent, he was right. I was an oddity here, all of my practical skills obsolete in this time. Anything almost every woman knew in this time, I was ignorant of. But I wasn't completely useless. I'd helped. I'd learned. I wasn't entirely ungrateful. I'd had a taste of what could have happened, what would have happened if the Mary hadn't chanced upon that pirate ship.

I recognized the spiral, the back and forth, and cursed my lack of self-confidence, my lack of self-worth, my anxiety. Trying to kick myself out of the repetitive loop, I concentrated on thinking about the short-term future.

What would happen to me now? Even through my worries and apprehension, I'd kind of been looking forward to being on land, to seeing what Salazar could show me.

Now, I'd be lucky if he'd bother even assigning someone keep an eye on me.

My mind instantly tucked in on itself, beginning to fall into a fantasy of running away, but I knew that that was the height of stupidity, levels of idiocy I knew better than to act on. I knew so little about this time that it was laughable. I probably wouldn't even make it a day on my own before I wound up face down in a gutter somewhere. I couldn't do that to Reíno, to Lesaro. Hell, even Salazar would probably be under a level of guilt I wouldn't wish on anyone.

But I could learn. I could learn how to survive on my own. I could make it through this harsh, unfriendly world, and…and then what? Women weren't give jobs other than to have babies, or what amounted to slavery as a housemaid, and I wasn't about to farm myself out for a husband. What did that leave me?

Maybe I can find a bookseller somewhere who needs an assistant and doesn't give a damn about propriety. That would be ideal.

I couldn't help a rueful smile. At least my earlier thought was right…Salazar does have someone. Hopefully she'll take care of-

Familiar voices suddenly pierced through thick fog, confusing me until I began to recognize the deep baritones of both Lesaro and Salazar.

I blinked and shook my head a little, trying to throw off the heavy blanket of depression enough to concentrate, surprised at how stiff I felt. How long had I been down here?

Sticking my head out of my hiding spot just enough to see the two Spaniards, I cringed with a silent whine as it became clear that the two men were arguing. My stomach lurched unpleasantly and I wished now more than ever I could understand Spanish, because I knew without a doubt that they were arguing about me.

Salazar suddenly spun to glare at the lieutenant. "Let it alone, Gui."

"No, I will not! That girl doesn't know you, but I do. And I know what you're trying to do."

"Do you now," Salazar sneered and began to pace, but Lesaro ignored him and continued.

"This will accomplish nothing but hurting both you and her. She cares for you-"

"You know nothing! She doesn't care for me-"

"I've seen it! I know you are not above saying things in anger you regret yourself, and she has already apologized-"

"Apologies do not erase her words! Do you know what she said to me?"

"She knew she should not have said them. She has admitted to that. Now, you need to apologize for your words."

Salazar snarled, whirling to face the one-eyed man. "Why should I? I have no need for such-such impudence-"

"She's terrified!"

They both fell silent, breathing heavily as they stared at each other. I would have given a great deal to know what Lesaro had just said, and clenched my teeth in frustration.

Finally, Salazar stirred. "Why do you say this?"

"Have you not seen her? Have you not watched her? She's tense, jumping at ghosts-"

"Was she not before?" Salazar bit out in annoyance.

Lesaro made an abrupt gesture with one hand. "Not like this! It's been growing worse, yes, but not like since Curraré joined us! And certainly not since Señora Delagio came aboard."

I heard Lady Delagio's name, and saw Salazar still almost imperceptibly.

After a moment, he murmured, "It changes nothing." But his tone was no longer angry. He seemed almost…thoughtful?

What was he thoughtful about? And why did Thoughtful Salazar practically terrify me?

Lesaro wasn't placated by the slight change in mood. "I would contemplate very carefully how you will feel when she does leave. And if you do not like that outcome, I would suggest fixing this before you no longer can."

Salazar literally growled as he stomped past Lesaro in his angry pacing, all traces of thoughtfulness gone.

But the one-eyed man wasn't done yet. "Have you thought about it, Armando? Another man will one day touch her, taste her, another man is eventually going to claim her as his own. Are you willing to let that stand?"

I sucked in a breath as Salazar's eyes lit with an inhuman fury. His whole body tensed and for one incredible instant, I honestly believed he was about to punch Lesaro.

He caught himself at the last second, teeth clenched from the strain on his control as he flexed his hand. "That does not matter-"

"Does not matter? You can barely stand to even think about it!"

"She does not want me!" Salazar snapped, his entire body rigid with tension. "She was merely infatuated with the infamous Spanish Butcher, but now she's showing her true colors. She is no better than those bitter snakes that slink around us at court!"

Lesaro stared at him silently for a moment, then said, "I think it's past time you stopped lying to yourself. The both of you. Before it is too late. I will not stand for you to give up without a fight, especially knowing of your hardheadedness, but I will also not simply watch as you tear each other to bloody ribbons because you both have too much pride. You have already seen her true colors, my friend. I suggest you think on why she's hiding them now."

With a glare that by all rights should have singed the other man into a crisp, Salazar remained silent as Lesaro stalked away, the lieutenant's face twisted in annoyed disgust.

After a minute of silence, Salazar let out a deep noise of irritation, his handsome face locked in a dark scowl. I couldn't help but stare helplessly at him, knowing that when I saw him next, I wouldn't be allowed to look at him like this.

Suddenly, he tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling, letting out an almost tired sigh, his expression changing to one of weariness. He stood like that for only a few seconds before straightening, tugging at his cuffs before turning smartly on his heel and striding from the hold.

Air left my lungs in a heavy rush, loud in the sudden silence of the hold, as I struggled to comprehend what had just occurred.

Something important had just been discussed, something that would have explained many things, but not for the last time, I cursed inwardly at not having learned Spanish. Averse to the language or not, that would be one of the first things I'd be correcting as soon as I could.

Nothing further would come of me hiding in the hold, though, and I'd been sufficiently distracted from my thoughts. Whatever the two men had said to each other, I would more than likely never find out, and the thought made me sigh heavily.

I lingered a few minutes longer in my hiding spot, just to be careful, then pulled myself up wearily. I couldn't keep doing this…the constant up and down of emotions, the snapping from depression to anxiety, the sheer bleakness that was now my future.

The dark eyes of depression gleamed at me from the back of my mind, but I ignored it. I was already struggling without letting those thoughts in.

Cold felt like a permanent frost in my bones, though I couldn't tell whether it was physical or emotion. Most likely both.

Numbly, I made my way back to my cabin, not knowing really what to do with myself. There was nothing really to do, except go back to my quarters and wait. I wasn't even sure what time it was, what day it was…my senses were all skewed. Even wandering the familiar halls of the Mary was accompanied with a feeling of disconnection.

It seemed so surreal, that just over a month ago, I'd been living in a world that would seem like some drug-induced fantasy to anyone around me.

My memories were gradually starting to fade. I'd noticed it the other day, when I had to pause for a second to recall what my mother's face looked like, the name of my dog. I'd never had the best memory anyway, so many things coming and going in my life that it was a struggle to remember it all. Stress and lack of sleep had also butchered my recall, but the full amount of sleep I'd been getting in the last few weeks had helped with my long-term memory quite a bit. Enough to realize that things were growing fuzzier as I adjusted more to life here.

Could I ever go home? Would whatever insane event that had occurred to plop me in the 18th century spit me back out in the 21st? Would time have passed? Would I wake up the same day I'd fallen asleep?

Would I ever be able to love again?

I shook my head. That last wasn't something to ponder on in my current state.

I almost ran into my door before I lifted my head, blinking at the suddenly materialization of the wooden barrier, then pushed it open.

I'd been happy here, yes, able to catch up on my sleep and relax from the insane hell of my job, but I was also constantly plagued with almost the same levels of anxiety, accompanied with drastic swings into depression.

Sitting on the bed, I glanced down and saw that the inside of my left arm was covered with scratch marks.

Sighing, I rubbed gently at the marks, soothing the rawness of my skin. It wouldn't do to have bloody streaks staining my sleeve.

I pulled my logbook into my lap, opening it to my rose.

Depression flexed its claws deeper.

The dark lines blurred before my eyes, the picture granulating until all I could see was a shadowy form on the paper. I couldn't tell if it was because I hadn't blinked for so long or if my eyes were watering. I never wanted to leave my cabin again. Not even for the lure of cool, sweet night air.

The unexpected knock yanked me out of my thoughts, dropping me back to reality with a brutal thud. I'd been so out of it I hadn't even jumped at the noise.

The knock came again, quiet yet firm.

I didn't recognize who it was, and wariness was audible in my tone when I called that the door was unlocked.

There was only a faint thread of relief that dulled depression's claws, but it was there when I saw who opened the door. I gave a tiny smile at the sight of the lieutenant, who returned the expression with an almost weary one.

He cleared his throat, then said, "I brought this for you to try on. I know it is - not what you are used to, but it will be far easier than…"

I tilted my head when he gestured to my current clothing, then realized that the bundle of cloth he held over his arm was one of Lady BeKatt's dress.

I remembered that dress, too. It was the dark blue one she'd worn to dinner Salazar had stolen my pineapple and I'd told him I was from the future.

How so much happened since then…

I shook my head slightly, knowing now was not the time to get sucked under again, and wrinkled my nose in distaste at the huge swaths of fabric.

Up until now, I'd managed to avoid being subjected to such inhuman cruelty, but apparently, no longer.

Lesaro offered a sympathetic look. "It will most likely fit poorly. Señora BeKatt tried to adjust it to fit better, but it was difficult to guess your size. I was not able to obtain a…" he coughed and a ruddy tinge reddened on his olive skin, "a corset, but it will help for when you disembark. Come."

Reluctantly, I stood and stared at the harmless looking bundle like it was a poisonous snake. "Guillermo…"

"I know, Isabeau." He laid the dress over the back of the chair and draped several more items on top of it. "But there are already questions that the capitán cannot answer, and this will help dissuade more. Come, I will help you."

With a great deal of blushing on my part and Lesaro keeping his back turned unless I was stuck, it was decided it would be best if I left my chest bound, and to my eternal relief, I was able to keep my underwear on underneath and no one could even tell.

Luckily, Lady BeKatt had good taste in materials, so even though she had a limited wardrobe to choose from, she had been kind enough to give me the softest fabrics she had available, which I fully appreciated.

I wonder if she'd like a drawing in return? I should ask her sometime. My art is too modern for this time, but I might be able to arrange something.

Finally, everything was as in place as it could be with the ill-fitting clothes and the horrible fashion of the time. As I looked down at the plunging neckline, I was reminded once more why I didn't care for the 18th century in the slightest.

"Guillermo, this…" I grimaced and tugged at the neckline again, unhappy with showing so much chest. "This isn't going to end well."

Lesaro made a noise in his throat as he straightened the skirts, then glanced over me with a keen eye. "It will do…What do you mean?"

I fidgeted uncomfortably, then forced myself to remain still when he gave me a sharp look. With a sigh, I explained, "I don't…even back home, I didn't wear dresses. I rarely wore skirts. And to put me in a dress that's more bondage than something actually for public viewing is…it's uncomfortable."

But it was bigger than that. It was what the dress represented, what I would have to do, and frankly, it terrified me. Back home, I knew things. I was resourceful, I had skills that were useful to that world. But here? Here, I was utterly useless. I would learn, yes, and I had learned a bit while I'd been aboard the Mary, but it wasn't enough.

Salazar had been right.

Lesaro opened his mouth to say something, then seemed to think the better of it and closed his mouth, simply rising up from where he'd knelt to straighten the skirts. He reached out and hesitated only for an instant before taking my hands with his much larger ones.

I hiccuped a breath before looking up, tilting my head slightly. It surprised me how much bigger his hands were than mine. And they were so warm, and calloused, yet gentle. A kind man's hands.

His eye flickered between mine as he searched for something, then finally, he said, "I know that this probably frightens you, being in such a strange place as Isla de Salís, but you are safe under the capitán's protection, despite his current…animosity."

I blinked, surprised at how easily he'd managed to guess the root of many of my concerns. Was I really that easy to read?

He gave my hands a gentle squeeze, then continued. "As for his accusations…he didn't mean them either, though I believe that the both of you are hurting from what was said."

My eyes began to burn and I dropped my gaze in shame.

"Give him time, and por favor," he squeezed my fingers again and lifted both his hands to brush a quick kiss over the back of my knuckles, "don't give up on him."

Shaking my head, I tried to pull my hands free, wishing he hadn't brought that up. "It's not my place, Guillermo. It's not my right."

The older man was silent for a long, long minute, his eye scanning over my face. The sheer intensity made me fidget awkwardly, but I managed to stay still under his perusal. What was he looking for?

I wasn't sure what made me ask, but I needed to know. "Do you still think I would be a good match, Guillermo? Because I highly doubt it at this point. For a moment, I thought-" I broke off and shook my head.

Surprisingly, Lesaro's face darkened in anger, and I wondered if he was thinking about the verbal berating he'd given Salazar earlier. "I do, yes. I think you would match him well, with more confidence. But that is something that grows for you, I think, with time. We had a - discussion, earlier, that should prove to be…effectual."

Yep, they were arguing about me. Not embarrassing at all.

Abruptly, he inhaled deeply, a huge breath that emphasized the broad chest under his black and grey uniform. "Es un idiota."

I cocked my head slightly. "Who'd you just call an idiot?"

That earned me a reproachful look. "You know exactly who I just called an idiot."

I couldn't help but smile at his exasperation, then remembered Magda's similar assertion. "It seems to be going around…"

"For good reason!" Lesaro let my hands slide free and exhaled a sharp breath. "Madre de Dios, I will never understand how that man, for as brilliant as he is, can be so stupid!"

I burst into laughter at that. I couldn't help it. The entire situation was completely ridiculous and terrifying and hilarious.

With a silent growl, the claws digging into me eased free and slunk to the back of my mind.

Feeling so much better, I gestured helplessly at the hideously clunky skirts that were made stupidly ungainly by several layers of petticoats. Sweet bouncing baby monkeys, but how had women not revolted by now.

"This isn't merely uncomfortable, Guillermo. This is downright cruel." I gave him the biggest set of puppy dog eyes I'd ever tried, with a pathetic pout to wrap it up. "Do I have to wear this? I can pass as a boy!"

He chuckled and gave me a soft tap on the cheek. "I very much doubt it, Isabeau. Very much indeed."

I scrunched my nose and he tucked my hair behind my ear with one finger, making me smile instead. His eye studied me again before crinkling with delight.

"The shadows have left," he murmured, then stroked a thumb over my cheek. "Give events time to settle, Isabeau. Let them rest into the new sway, and then we will revisit this, hm? Oh, and I have some funds set aside for you as well. You will have an escort whenever you are not on board, and they may help you with calculating the correct amount of currency."

I winced. No matter how many times he'd patiently explained it, currency exchange with Spanish reals was a process I simply couldn't grasp.

Suddenly, I realized just how much they'd done for me, especially Lesaro and Reíno. They'd been incredibly patient, and had rarely gotten annoyed with my struggle to grasp concepts that went against the very grain of my being.

To my horror, I could feel my eyes watering for the second time in twenty-four hours. "Thank you, Guillermo. For…everything."

I heard a soft exclamation and the next thing I knew, I was wrapped in a gentle hug.

He even gives hugs like a teddy bear. I choked back a sob as I wrapped my arms around his torso, closing my eyes.

The one time I'd hugged Magda, it'd been stilted and a bit awkward. Reíno felt like I was hugging an affectionate family relative. Salazar's hugs were by far my favorite, but Lesaro's would always be a close second.

I sighed deeply, letting the tension drain from my body as I soaked in the comfort of his embrace. He was just an inch or two shorter than Salazar, and it let me rest my cheek on his collarbone, and just softly inhale his warm woodsy scent, laced with a note of citrus. He even smelled comforting, like cuddling into a pillow with a heavy blanket and just dozing with nothing to be worried about.

"Guillermo?" I asked, not opening my eyes.

"Hm?"

I sighed. "Why couldn't I fall in love with you?"

Lesaro chuckled, loosening his embrace to pull back slightly. I let go and lifted my head, looking up at him with a much lighter smiler than before.

"Because you are what Armando needs. And I am too old for you."

"That holds no water, Guillermo," I told him, though I understood what he meant. "You're as old as he is, you just aren't quite as…" I searched for an appropriate word.

"Foolish?" he offered with a grin.

"High-strung," I said, smirking.

He snorted. "Apt. You are better, yes?"

I looked down at the swathes of fabric covering me from the shoulders down. "Better. On the bright side, at least it's a good color for me. I don't think I can pull off pastels."

And it was a good color, just a horrid cut and an even worse design. Whoever thought this shit was fashionable should be shot.

"Bien." Lesaro stepped around me to reach for the laces at the back. "Let me help you take it off."

I opened my mouth automatically, but paused for a second before saying, "I could make a dirty comment about that-" I glanced over my shoulder to see him becoming faintly alarmed as he realize the implications of his words, and teased, "But I won't."

There was a long-suffering sigh and I grinned.

So there we are. Ball is in Salazar's court (and he well knows it). Next chapter is gonna be a tricky tightrope for me to write. I would love more than anything for someone to just lock them in a room and have them kiss it out. Alas, Spanish pride and arrogance removes this as a possibility. *sighs* (Someone is welcome to write this as a chapter and I'll just insert it as canon xD)

Until next, my peeps!