Stay with Me

Slip of the Tongue

August came around with speed, and roaring heat, Casey never complained about the heat though. He would complain about the cold, in private at least, but he enjoyed their hot summers even if they were a little too hot at times. Severide kept saying he should live in a warmer climate, and not have to suffer through their cold Chicago winters, but Casey loved their city too much to even consider moving. He had been back at work for a little over two months now, and he'd thrown himself back into it with full gusto, and Severide could hardly believe it had almost been five months since Casey had been given the all clear. Things at the firehouse had changed, Mills had passed his Squad certification, Casey was down a man on his crew as Boden had managed to get Mills a place on Squad 3. He had spoken to Boden about getting another candidate, he enjoyed training them up, not all officers did, and he was hopeful he'd get one in the near future.

Severide hovered outside Casey's quarters for a few moments. He watched Casey through the glass, he was sitting at his desk, there was paperwork in front of him but he wasn't paying any attention to it. Severide knocked once before opening the door, and stepped inside without waiting for a response. "Dinner's ready," he announced.

Margot lifted her head up at the interruption from the silence.

Casey turned. "Huh?"

"Dinner," he repeated.

"Oh, yeah, Herrmann told me," Casey said, turning back to his desk.

"Yeah, half an hour ago," he responded.

"Oh…"

"What's up?" Severide asked him, sitting down by Margot on the bed.

"Did you notice me knock myself at that scene this morning?"

"No…" Severide responded, and before he could ask Casey why, he showed Severide a bruise on his arm. "Oh, erm… I don't know if that's from this morning… erm… it could be…"

Casey turned back to face his desk again, taking a breath as he did.

"Hey," Severide began, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You probably did knock yourself."

"What if I didn't?"

"If you'd feel better getting an appointment, then make an appointment and get some blood tests," Severide suggested calmly.

"Maybe I should go now," he responded.

Severide could hear the panic in his voice. "Matt, look at me. You've not lost any weight, you've not been ill, and you still feel all right?"

Casey nodded, face several shades paler than when Severide had sat down.

He smiled and continued. "You feel all right, and look all right…"

"My heart's pounding," Casey spoke, almost gasping.

Severide went over to him. "Take a deep breath with me… and let it out…"

Casey's panic only increased and his breaths shortened. Tears started to roll down his cheeks and he tried desperately to control his breathing.

Severide felt useless in his attempts to stop Casey from hyperventilating. He could do nothing but watch as Casey's panic worsened. He was shaking his head now, tears had made small wet patches on his grey polo shirt, Severide had his hands on his upper arms as he continued to struggle.

Suddenly Severide wrapped his arms around his body, holding him close, and slowly Casey's breaths began to match his. Severide became aware that Casey was muttering something.

"Sorry… sorry… sorry…"

"Oh, Matt..." Severide began. "This is fine, it's ok, you're allowed to be worried."

He shook his head. "Bathroom," he spoke as he stood up. He dashed out the room and Severide followed, fearing he'd worked himself up so much he was going to vomit.

Fortunately, everyone was still in the common room having lunch so no one saw the two lieutenants walking briskly too the bathroom. Severide let out a breath of relief when he watched as Casey simply stood by the sink and splashed cold water on his face.

Severide stayed by his side as he rinsed his face, he leant on the sink and peered into the mirror as he took a deep breath. He turned to Severide. "My head's not in it, gonna speak to Boden," he said.

"Ok," Severide accepted.

"You don't mind? You don't think I'm being… weak?"

"I could never see you as weak," Severide responded firmly.

He let out a steadying breath. "I'm gonna speak to Boden," he repeating before leaving Severide alone in the bathroom.

Just as Casey reached Boden's office the alarms rang out, calling for Truck 81 and Ambulance 61. He paused for a moment, Boden had seen him approaching and had been about to wave him in before the tannoy sounded. He turned and headed for the apparatus floor.

Severide was on the apparatus floor when 81 and 61 returned, he made himself busy, making sure it didn't look like he was waiting for Casey. He hadn't realised straight away that Casey had left with the rest of his crew, not until he saw Boden, as he was sure their chief would have covered for him if he had left, and then he'd gone outside to see Casey's truck still in the parking lot.

It had been an uneventful call, a false gas alarm, but the distraction of work had focused Casey's mind again, and he felt a hundred times better when he arrived back at the firehouse compared to how he'd felt when he'd walked over to Boden's office. He spotted Severide as he hung his turnout jacket on the door to his rig.

Casey gave him a small smile and walked up to him. "I may have overreacted earlier," he told Severide quietly as his crew filed past them. He left Severide on the apparatus floor as he followed everyone else to the common room.

Shay was suddenly walking alongside Casey. "Overreacted to what?" she asked him, mouth close to his ear.

"You're hearing is amazing," he responded, brows raised.

"Overreacted to what?" she simply repeated.

He stopped just before the common room. "Nothing," he answered.

She put a hand on his arm. "You know you can talk to me, I'm good at keeping secrets, even from Kelly," she told him.

"I'm fine, and I know, and thank you," he said before moving away from her and into the common room.

Shay watched him go and let out a short sigh. She was trying not to worry about Casey, but after everything, it was hard. She understood why he didn't want anyone to be concerned about him, understood why he pushed people away and acted the way he did, but she cared about him, just like everyone else at the firehouse. She wanted to make sure he was fine, wanted to help if there was anything she could do, and she wanted him to be happy. He didn't seem happy at the moment, most his smiles seemed forced, and it felt as if he was trying really hard to put on a good face, converse happily with everyone and act as though nothing had happened, that he hadn't been sick. It had been horrible for him, but she didn't think it was healthy to pretend it hadn't happened, no one dared to mention it anymore, and everyone was overly cautious when it came to talking about anything that was remotely relatable.

Shay was in the locker room in the middle of their next shift, she heard Casey curse and slam his locker door shut. She remained silent for a moment, and still, before deciding to make her presence known to him. She stepped down the row of lockers and smiled softly.

"Matt, hey?" she began.

He turned and she saw a flash of hurt in his eyes before his features neutralised. "Hey…"

She peered at him questioningly.

"Sorry," he sighed, looking at his locker.

She remained silent, waiting for Casey to talk.

"My sister phoned," he said simply. He'd been getting dressed after showering, needing to wash and change clothes after the call he'd been out on that morning, when he heard his phone ringing. He'd almost ignored it but decided it was best just to answer it and get it over and done with.

"Is she ok? Violet?"

"They're fine… she was just checking in with me," he responded, shrugging.

"That's a nice thing," she replied.

"My sister never checked in on me before she found out I was sick, she didn't check on me when I was going from group homes, to foster houses, back to group homes… but she's been speaking to me at least once a week since… since mom died… I know I never made much effort but it was almost like she just left me, my whole life fell apart overnight, she was at collage, she came back for the funeral, then went back to collage and got on with her life. I don't blame her for that, but I was here before I was sick too. Everyone's made such a big deal about it," he said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

"It probably put things into perspective for her," she responded, trying to offer him an explanation.

He let out a heavy breath. "Sorry, I didn't mean for all that to come out… Don't say anything to Kelly, but I am tired. Being back here… it's not quite how I thought it would be. I just wanted things to be normal, but that's not gonna happen… earlier, my overreaction? I spotted a small bruise on my arm and all I could think about was being back in that hospital room. I felt sick."

"You're gonna be worried, Matt," she said.

"Everybody else is worried too. It's been two months and it still feels like everyone is keeping an eye on me, and not on the job at hand. No, it doesn't feel like it, it is what's happening. I am not going to break. I might not be as fit as I usually am yet but I'm well on my way, and I wouldn't have passed the physical if they thought I wasn't good enough to be back, Boden would have sent me home if he didn't think I should be here."

"Matt, I don't think people are keeping an eye on you because they don't think you're good enough to be back," she responded.

"They why else would they?"

"Just to make sure you're doing all right, most of them know it's difficult to come back after a break," she told him.

"It's not difficult," he retorted.

"Don't tell me that you don't wanna crash as soon as shift is over, that you don't wanna sleep for the next forty-eight hours?"

Casey cast his eyes down.

"It's normal," she said.

"I wish people would quit talking about what's normal, this new normal… I've been back here for ages, I want the old normal."

"I know, that's not gonna happen though," she replied, shaking her head.

"I wish I'd died…" he muttered.

"What?"

"I… I wish it was easier, coming back to work, this new normal, I've been doing as much as I can to stop myself from just going home and crashing, I've been trying to do as much work as before…"

"You didn't say that, Matt."

"I did," he responded.

The tannoy went off as soon as Shay was about to respond, calling Ambulance 61 into action. "I'll see you later."

"Stay safe," he responded.

"We're gonna talk later," she added as she walked away.

Casey sat down heavily on the bench, swearing inwardly as he ran a hand through his hair.

Severide found Casey in his quarters shortly after the tannoy had gone off, he'd watched Shay and Rafferty leaving the firehouse. He then got himself another coffee before looking for Casey.

He didn't bother knocking on Casey's door. "So, I've been given some tickets…" he began as he walked inside. "You all right? Matt?"

Casey looked up at him slowly, he was sitting on his bunk, his hand lying on Margot's back. "Huh?"

"You looked a little lost, tired?"

"I'm fine," Casey said, giving him a smile.

"You know, I'm pretty tired after that run out Squad had this morning, even the simplest of calls can be tiring, all that adrenaline and stuff…"

"I'm fine," Casey repeated.

"My point is; you don't have to be, and not being fine doesn't have to be because of…"

Casey's look stopped Severide from saying any more.

"We're not saying the word now?" Severide asked him as he sat down on the desk chair.

"No," he responded simply.

"Ok… so, I've been given some tickets to a monster truck rally, you game?"

"Sure, who gave you the tickets?" Casey asked curiously.

"Someone handed them in yesterday and Boden gave them to me. That guy who wrapped his car around a streetlight last week?"

"He was very grateful then," Casey responded, remembering the incident.

"Yeah, nice to be back here for that, right?"

"Yeah, nice to be back," he responded with no enthusiasm.

"You're settling into the routine again?"

"It's been more than two months, Kelly."

"Feels like we're barely seeing each other, even when we're at home," he commented.

"Probably because you spent so much time with me when I couldn't work," Casey said.

"Yeah, that's probably it," he said, nodding.

"I have my life back now, I always did keep myself pretty busy," Casey continued.

"Yeah, you're not overdoing it, are you?"

"I know you're worried," Casey said.

"Sorry for being so obvious," Severide responded.

"It's cute," he said with a shrug and a smile. "I'm just… getting used to it… I don't mean to seem like I'm… I dunno, pushing you away, I'm just going through… stuff right now."

"Ok. Well, I'm here when you need me," Severide replied.

Casey smiled. "Thank you. So… a monster truck rally?" His smile turned into a grin.

"Oh, yeah," Severide enthused. "Two tickets for mayhem and destruction this Saturday."

"I've never been to a monster truck rally," he responded.

"Me either… I think there's alcohol involved… and trucks," Severide said, grinning.

Casey chuckled, but he soon sobered as his previous thoughts returned.

"I'll come with you tomorrow," Severide spoke again after a moment, realising where Casey's mind kept going. His fifth check-up was happening tomorrow afternoon.

"I don't need a babysitter," he retorted immediately.

"I want to come along as your boyfriend," Severide responded softly.

"Sorry, I…"

"I know," Severide said, nodding.

"You're so good and I'm so… I'm so shit to you right now. You're not getting anything from this."

Severide frowned, tilting his head. "Anything from what?"

"Being with me," he answered as though it was obvious.

Severide shook his head. "I get so much from being with you, don't even think that I don't."

He smiled and nodded in response. Severide wondered what it would take for Casey to ever believe that he got so much from his relationship with him, that he couldn't even bare the thought of having to wake up without Casey by his side, without his smile and laughter, without his curiosity and love. Shay was right; Casey would always have his issues, but that would never stop Severide from loving him, and trying every single day to make sure Casey felt loved and cared for, because he deserved it more than anyone else in Severide's eyes.

Casey was sitting in the control centre, waiting for Shay to return, gazing through the glass at the empty space on the apparatus floor where the ambulance parked. He had paperwork he could be doing, but he was tapping his hand on his thigh as he waited. He bit the corner of his mouth, not enough to draw blood, but enough to ease a little of the tension he'd felt since his conversation with Shay.

He shot up from the chair when the ambulance returned, and headed straight out onto the apparatus floor.

"Hey," he said, smiling at Raftery as he greeted Shay.

Rafferty smiled back, brows raised. "I'll leave you two to it then," she spoke before she walked away.

"Hey," Casey repeated.

"Hi, Matt," Shay responded with a thin smile.

"How was it?"

"It was fine," she answered.

"Good," he replied, nodding. "I didn't mean what I said, I really didn't, it just slipped out."

"Uh huh," she said doubtfully.

Casey swallowed. "Are you going to talk to Kelly?"

"No."

"Thank you," he said, his shoulders relaxing.

"But only because I don't want to worry him," she explained.

"I really didn't mean it."

"Yeah, whatever you say, Matt."

"I'm sorry," he said.

"I don't want you to apologise," she stressed, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

"I am sorry, I'm sorry you always seem to be caught between me and Kelly; it's always about us, about me. I'm sorry."

She put a hand on his arm and shook her head. "It's not always about you. You guys help me out too, only the other day Kelly came by to get rid of a huge spider from my bathroom," she added, smiling.

"He did?"

"It was massive, bigger than my hand I swear… and my new roommate was useless so I had to call him," she said, chuckling.

"It must have been big then," he responded, grinning. "How is the new roommate?"

"So much tidier than Kelly, and he doesn't eat my yoghurt or finish my milk," she told him happily.

"Good."

"Does he finish your milk without replacing it?"

"Not yet. He makes me breakfast in bed at least once a week too, he runs hot baths for me, all ready when I get home from a construction gig… he cleaned my truck the other week, I went outside and there he was, scrubbing away," he said, smiling at everything Severide did for him.

"He's a sweetheart really," Shay responded.

"Biggest softest sweetheart ever."

TBC