Stay with Me

Herrmann

Shay was sick. She'd been forced to call Boden before her shift was due to start, knowing she was in no fit state to work, and she didn't want to pass on whatever bug she had caught to any ill victims. The floating paramedic who ended up filling in her spot, didn't fit very well with the firehouse, but they all had a job to do and they got on with it without incident, until lunch was served.

Casey thanked Mills as he passed a plate full of potatoes, vegetables and a couple of burgers. He turned with the warm plate in his hand and almost walked straight into the temporary paramedic.

The man scowled at Casey even as he apologised.

"You know if you avoided meat and processed foods you wouldn't have got cancer..."

Severide's ears pricked up. "Erm..." he began from the other side of the room, where he'd just taken a mouthful of food. "I don't think..."

Casey had been stunned silent, but hearing Severide start to respond, he spoke up. "Well, you can fuck right off," he told the man before stepping away.

Cruz and Mills were trying, and failing, to stop laughing as Casey then stormed out the room with his lunch, Margot followed him. The paramedic hadn't moved, Severide had stood up, wanting to say something to the man, but Casey had put his opinion across succinctly enough for the both of them.

"If your value your own health; you might wanna avoid him, and me, for the rest of your shift," he ended up telling the man before picking up his plate and leaving the room.

Casey was sitting in his quarters, feeding some of his lunch to Margot, when Severide walked in and closed the door behind himself.

"Don't let that dick put you off your lunch… all of us here would be sick if what he said was true," Severide said, taking in the scene.

It was a few more moments before Casey spoke. He sat back in his chair and looked ahead to his notice board. "I shouldn't have reacted like that. I'm a lieutenant, I'm supposed to set a good example, not curse at floaters."

Before Severide could respond there was a quick knock at the door. They both turned to see Boden standing there. Severide reached over and opened the door.

"Are you all right, Matt?" Boden asked him sincerely, remaining by the door.

"Am I all right?" he repeated.

"You expected me to reprimand you?"

Casey's silence gave away his answer.

"Herrmann came to my office and quickly explained what happen, and then our 'friendly' paramedic came to make a complaint. Safe to say; he won't be back at this firehouse," Boden informed them both.

"Sorry, Chief," he responded.

Boden lifted his head. "You did nothing wrong."

"Doesn't feel like that," he said.

"Try to forget about it; you've both got that monster truck rally to look forward to this weekend," Boden told them, smiling.

Casey and Severide shared a bewildered glance at each other.

"Who else would you take?" Boden asked rhetorically with a smile before leaving them alone.

When their shift ended the next morning, they both went over to Shay's apartment. Severide used his key to let them inside, they didn't wake Shay, but instead gave the place a quick tidy up and waited for her to wake. When she woke they were met with a happy expression, and Severide went on to tell her all about the paramedic that had replaced her for the shift, Casey flushed when Severide recalled what he'd said, laughing at the memory. They stay for the rest of the day, keeping her company and watching a couple of her favourite movies.

Physically Casey was doing really well, his fitness had returned. Mentally, Severide could see that he was struggling, but he wasn't shutting himself away all the time, so Severide didn't push him. Everyone around him was supportive and caring, without overstepping, and Severide knew no one was going to let Casey fall through the cracks. The monster truck rally had been good, Severide had seen Casey looking carefree and happy for the first time in weeks. Casey hadn't wanted the night to end, but with work in the morning they both needed to get back home, and Casey needed to sober up. He'd drank quite a few pints and his alcohol tolerance was still lower than usual, Severide couldn't blame him for drinking though; he knew he'd do the same, it was a vice they both shared, but as long as Casey wasn't drinking alone, he was fine with that.

They were currently at a busy scene with several companies, but all the floors of the office building were now cleared, Casey and another truck lieutenant were heading out the side of the building with the final two victims. Relief washed over Severide's face, he'd not long exited the burning structure too, he turned to his men and started to clear up their gear. He had a drink as he waited until the two Engines put out the flames so they could overhaul.

Casey carried the victim over to the ambulance. He watched as Shay and Rafferty got to work as Engine went about putting out the flames. At the noise of the sterile packaging being opened Casey blanched, he wanted to step away but his legs felt like jelly, nausea was rising up inside of him. As soon as he managed to get his legs to work, he darted away from everyone, going to the front of his own rig just in time. The contents of his stomach erupted onto the ground, and when it was over, he could breathe again.

"Fuck…" he muttered as he wiped the back of his hand over his mouth.

Suddenly Herrmann's face was swimming in his vision. "… Lieutenant?"

Casey gazed at him, glassy eyed.

"Are you all right, Matt?" his second-in-command asked him.

He nodded.

"Maybe you should sit down?" Herrmann suggested.

Casey frowned at him, still unsure exactly what had just happened. "What? I'm fine," he responded.

"Look like you've seen a ghost," Herrmann commented.

Casey stood up straighter, no longer leaning on the side of the rig. "Herrmann?" He frowned again. "Is everything all right?"

He nodded, a tight smile on his face.

Casey glanced down at the vomit by his boots. "Don't tell Kelly."

Herrmann nodded again, but Casey had already walked away, over to Boden who was overseeing Engine at work.

Back at the firehouse, Casey was quieter than usual. He always tended to keep to himself, before he was sick too, but he was noticeably absent from the common room over dinner and the rest of the evening. Severide and Shay gave him space, leaving him alone in his quarters, even Margot was in the common room, playing with Pouch.

It was late when Herrmann ventured over to Casey's quarters, a drink in his hand. He knocked and waited for Casey's response before he entered.

"Hot chocolate?" Herrmann half-questioned, already placing the mug down on Casey's desk. He then closed the door and sat down at the end of the bunk.

It was awhile before Casey spoke. "I think I had a panic attack, or something similar," he began, his hands wrapped around the warm mug. It may be the middle of summer, but everyone knew Casey liked a hot chocolate in the evening.

"Has it happened before?" Herrmann asked him, hiding his shock that Casey talking to him openly well.

"I don't think so… I just, I saw the IV being set-up and I…" he trailed off.

"Understandable that it brought back bad memories," Herrmann sympathised.

"I never had an IV," he said.

"Similar noises and smells…"

"Think so?" Casey asked him, there was hope in his tone.

"I dunno, could be talking out of my ass, but it's a theory," he responded.

"What's everyone saying about me behind my back? Is there a bet on? How long I'll last back at work?"

"We did have a betting pool on for how long it would take you to get back to work once you told us you were cancer-free," Herrmann admitted, and he didn't miss the small flinch when he said cancer. "Really, everyone just wants you to be all right, we're glad you're back, was a strange few months without you."

"Has it been a strange couple of months with me back too?" he asked.

"Has it been strange for you?"

Casey nodded.

"I'm sorry," Herrmann spoke.

"Sorry?"

"If anyone was going to get sick… it should never have been you," Herrmann said.

"Don't say that," Casey responded firmly. "Don't ever say that…"

Herrmann stayed silent.

"Everything's messed up. I don't even… it almost feels like I don't belong here anymore," Casey admitted.

"Have we made you feel like that?" he asked, worried.

"No. Truth is… I don't feel very strong, and I don't… I don't know why I got better, and other people don't," Casey said, frustration mixed with annoyance in his tone.

"Why can't we rescue everyone? Why can't we save everyone every time we go to a scene?"

Casey just shook his head.

"We have very little control in life," Herrmann said. "We can do things that make us think and feel like we're in control, but we're not, and we can't save everyone, and we won't know why some people get sick and others don't, why some survive and some don't, even when the odds are the same. I wish I could give you an answer, I wish I could answer everything myself. I wish I could… I wish I could help you with everything you're going through."

Casey could feel tears prickling in his eyes, he tried his best to hold them back. "You helped a lot, everyone did, and you all did because you care, care about me… I… I can't get my head round that. I'm sorry."

Herrmann put a hand on Casey's shoulder. "Talk to Kelly," he said with a smile. "You two are good for each other."

Casey's eyes widened.

Herrmann was still smiling. "Don't worry, I can keep a secret."

"I've never lived with anyone before," he commented.

"Is he messy?" Herrmann let out a short laugh. "I bet he's messy."

Casey shook his head. "He's still on his best behaviour, I think… I just… I don't wanna be too much for him. One day, he'll tire of me."

"I don't think he will, I see the way he looks at you," Herrmann added, smiling.

"This…"

"This stays between us," Herrmann finished with a nod.

"Thanks."

TBC