"There was something I wanted to tell you," Miranda appended, looking so deeply troubled that Shepard began to feel uneasy. The unease increased when Miranda turned away so Shepard couldn't see the deep lines etching her face.
"You're not sick, are you?" Shepard asked edgily.
Miranda's laugh was brittle. "No, nothing like that. Just something I need to…confess."
"Confess?" That didn't sound much better.
"…it's been eating at me for a while."
By now Shepard wanted to shake Miranda until the biotic spat out whatever was bothering her. The thought told Shepard just how tightly her own nerves were strung. "Miranda, we killed a thresher maw together. You can talk to me. Remember?"
Miranda sighed then turned around, her blue eyes moving around Shepard's face. She looked so upset behind the eyes that Shepard reached out and hesitantly closed a hand around the other woman's shoulder. She was gratified when Miranda mirrored the gesture, looking somewhat comforted.
Admissions—especially personal ones, or admissions of being wrong—weren't easy for Miranda, and from the looks of it she felt she'd done something horrific.
"When I headed Lazarus, I wanted to implant a control chip as a safeguard. Keep you on a tether," Miranda began.
"I remember," Shepard nodded. "I approved the practicality even if I would have taken it personally." It made sense and she could see that. But, as she said, she would have taken such a chip personally.
Miranda didn't smile at the attempt at levity. "And I told you that the Illusive Man was the one who said no. He thought it might ruin you."
Shepard said nothing, recognizing that Miranda was beating around the bush and that nothing she could say would help. Miranda just had to feel it out on her own. It was painful to watch and hard not being able to help.
Miranda's hand on her shoulder closed tightly. "I fought against my father and his need to run every aspect my life. He wanted total control, right down to my bloody DNA. After I got out of there…I couldn't stand by and let it happen to my sister…" She swallowed hard, her gaze falling to throat-level. "But I didn't give a single thought to destroying your free will when I had the power."
"Miranda, it's okay," Shepard breathed.
Miranda looked up, her eyes unusually luminous. "I just wanted you to know that…I really regret wanting that chip."
When Shepard spoke, she found the words came out from around a constriction in her throat. "I never thanked you for bringing me back. I mean, really thanked you and meant it. But…thank you. You gave me my life back. Don't worry about a chip that never happened."
Miranda nodded, then cocked her head as they both withdrew their hands. Critically, she studied the angles of Shepard's face, the tension in all the muscles. With the heavy emotional stuff out of the way—a sort of thing neither of them dealt well with—Miranda's usual attitudes began to reassert themselves. "You're welcome. What changed?"
Shepard sighed, looking for the words. She sensed that Miranda understood—or had come to understand—the original lack of gratitude, so she needn't explain it. "You know, I had one really good thing in my life before I died."
"One really good thing…are we talking a boyfriend?" Miranda asked, arching her eyebrows, looking so surprised that Shepard actually chuckled at her expression. "We never tripped over that."
"Fiancé, actually." It was worth opening up about it to see Miranda's eyes widen even further. In fact, it was safe to say that Miranda Lawson's eyes were bugging. "You didn't know because we didn't want anyone to know. And we were discreet. It would have been…compromising. And being dead puts a bit of a crimp in a relationship." She swallowed again. "But we got it sorted…we're getting it sorted. And I have you to thank for that chance. So I'm thanking you."
"Aw, Shepard, you're making me blush. So, who's the lucky fellow?" Miranda asked slyly.
"My lips are sealed," Shepard returned warily, wondering if Miranda was playing innocent or if she'd pieced it together, yet. One was as likely as the other where Miranda was concerned. And suddenly opening up seemed like a bad decision…
"Hmph. Guess I know what I'm doing in my spare time," Miranda shrugged, beginning to play thoughtfully with the ends of her hair.
Shepard began a slow countdown from ten, wondering how long it would take…
She got to six.
"From Horizon." It wasn't a question.
"Yes. And that's all I'll say about it," Shepard declared firmly. She didn't like to think about Horizon and she definitely didn't like to think about the 'what-ifs' of what if Cerberus had known she had more of an emotional attachment to Alenko than just being former comrades. It had been bad enough during the time she'd feared for him when the Collectors hit Horizon. She didn't think she could have handled fear for him every day.
"Of course it is. It's all I would say about it. Especially to someone like me." Miranda's grin received one in answer, though not the usual varren-ish grin because of Shepard's line of thought. "I'm glad for you, Shepard." And she sounded truly sincere.
"Thanks…wait." Shepard narrowed her eyes. "You're going to go prying for his records, aren't you?"
"Now why would I do something nosy like that?" Miranda asked facetiously. Her face twisted into what looked like it might be the first real smile she'd worn in ages.
"Because you are Miranda Lawson. And contrary to popular belief you have friends. And you care about those friends." Shepard grinned at Miranda's expression, a self-conscious shade of being pleased with herself, as if she'd never quite thought of the matter in those solid terms.
"You're right. I do," Miranda finally agreed.
"I'll bet all you find are speeding tickets," Shepard declared, crossing her arms.
"I hope so." Her tone said more than the words.