Animal Crossing: The Series

Episode 52: EraserCurt

Inside a small dark room, sat Mr. Resetti, who was fiddling with some levers while periodically glancing out the window next to him.

"I sure pulled the short straw this time," he muttered, "Another day, another…Huh? What the hell is that?"

Outside of the window, Curt's gigantic, disembodied head materialized in the dark void and grew closer to Resetti's location.

"HOLY SHIT!" cried the Mole, as he furiously pulled on the levers, "Everyone to your battlestations! It's going down! GAAAAH!"

As Resetti continued pulling the levers, Curt's mouth slowly opened and a giant, orange cheese-puff emerged from within. The cheese-puff flew through space for a while before crashing right outside of Resetti's location.

"OH NOOOO!" yelled Resetti.

As Curt sprang awake on his couch, the bag of cheese-puffs sitting on his chest rolled onto the floor, spilling them everywhere. Curt coughed several times, causing the cheese-puff lodged in his throat to go flying out.

"GACK!" he yelled, "What a weird dream! That's the last time I have Russian tea in the afternoon."

Curt looked around. It was still afternoon, television was droning on. Just then, the doorbell rang.

"I don't wanna get it," Curt moaned, "I was comfortable!"

Despite his anguish, Curt stood up and answered the door. Standing at the front entrance was Cookie's cousin, Daisy, holding a bundle of blankets.

"D-D-Daisy?" said Curt, "W-What the hell are you doing here?"

"I came to drop off our son," she said, handing the Curt the blanket bundle, "While I drive down to Blazetown."

"Our what?"

Curt looked down at the bundle he held. A male human child of about 4 months lay inside, sleeping soundly.

"This must be some kind of mistake," said Curt, "I don't…"

"You do now," said Daisy, "Guess we weren't careful enough, huh?"

"Are you sure it's even mine? I mean, there were others…"

"You calling me a slut?"

"N-No, I…"

"Look, we hooked up 14 months ago. I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks after returning home. Kevin is Human, like you. Therefore, he's yours."

Curt stared at Kevin in shock. The baby yawned and stretched momentarily, then went back to sleep.

"Like I said," continued Daisy, "I gotta drive down to Blazetown for a couple weeks for rehab. I, er, developed an addiction to painkillers after Kevin was born. We will discuss our future – Visitation, child support, etc – When I get back. In the meantime, I figured this would be a great opportunity for you two to bond and get to know each other."

Daisy then bent down and kissed Kevin on the forehead.

"Mommy loves you," she whispered, "See you soon."

Daisy then dropped a bag of supplies in front of Curt.

"Make sure to only give him this formula," said Daisy, "And only use this brand of diapers, okay? The rehab clinic's phone number is in there as well if you need to reach me. But only for emergencies, please."

"Uh…" said Curt.

Before he had a chance to speak, Daisy was already at her car. She hopped inside and waved goodbye before driving off. Curt glanced down at Kevin once more.

"So," he began, "I'm a father now…Cool. I mean, it can't be that hard, right?"

Curt glanced down at Kevin once more. The baby was now fully awake.

"Hey little man," said Curt, poking his nose, "How are you…"

Kevin then threw up in Curt's face before bawling his eyes out.

Later, at CJ's house:

"Curtis-fucking-Townshit," Sakura began, "You never fail to amaze! Do you even realize what you've done? You've impregnated Cookie's slutty cousin of all people! Like, what?"

"I was very careful," Curt insisted, "I…"

"I don't care how careful you were," Sakura interrupted, "YOU FUCKED DAISY!"

"Shh," said Lindsay, cuddling Kevin, "I just got him to sleep."

"Look," said CJ, "There's no use in passing blame now. What's done is done. We just gotta support Curt, at least for the next couple weeks."

"Thanks, CJ," said Curt.

"I'm kinda confused as to how Kevin is human," began Poncho, "And not some weird, half-dog hybrid."

"Animal DNA works in mysterious ways," Alfonso explained, "The child takes 100% of the genes from either parent, so Kevin had equal chance of being a Dog or a Human. Of course, this makes absolutely no biological sense, but it's narratively convenient, as the alternative you suggested would be a lot more disturbing."

"Kinda like Toshi," Sakura muttered.

"I'm sorry," said CJ, "What?"

"Er," said Sakura, "Nothing."

"After I found out what Daisy did to Lindsay," began Curt, "There was no way in hell I was gonna tell you guys that I fucked her. I don't know why she didn't come to me sooner with the news."

"Yeah," said Snake, "Was she planning on raising him by herself?"

"Either way," said Lindsay, "It was really wrong of her to dump him off onto you like that with no warning."

"What else do you expect from someone who's related to fucking Cookie?" said Sakura, "Which reminds me; isn't Cookie technically Kevin's aunt or something? Can't we get her involved?"

"Um," said Curt, "It's not really her problem…Also, if Cookie found out I had sex with her cousin, she'd flay me alive."

"Fuck that," snapped Sakura, "I'm about to flay you alive!"

"Sh!" Lindsay said, "Stop being so loud. No one's flaying anyone alive. If you don't wanna tell Cookie, that's fine. We'll help you any way we can, right guys?"

"Human children are beyond my expertise," said Alfonso, "Maintaining my ant colony is stressful as is."

"Yeah," said Poncho, "And Snake and I are busy with renovations these next couple of weeks, so it's not really a good time for us to be raising a child."

"Wait," said Snake, "What renovations?"

Poncho nudged Snake lightly.

"Oooh," said Snake, "Those…Right."

"Gee, guys," said Curt, sarcastically, "How nice of you."

"We'll still be there for you," assured CJ.

"Thanks," said Curt, as he took Kevin back from Lindsay, "But Kevin's my responsibility. I got myself into this mess and I'm gonna try and be the best father that I can be!"

Just then, Kevin awoke and began crying loudly.

"This is gonna be fun to watch," Sakura muttered.

"Does anyone know how to change a diaper?" Curt asked, while sniffing Kevin's bottom.

For the next couple of weeks, Curt struggled to raise Kevin on his own, but the baby's incessant crying drove him to the brink of madness. In the time since he met Kevin, his hair had grown out considerably, forming a large conical bush above his head.

"That's four bottles of formula," Nook yelled over Kevin's cries, "Your total comes to 750 bells."

"What?" asked Curt.

"I said," began Nook, "YOUR TOTAL IS 750 BELLS!"

"Keep the change," said Curt, handing Nook the cash.

"Huh?" said Nook.

"I said," Curt began, "Nevermind…"

After leaving the store, Curt began his slow walk home, while carrying Kevin in one hand and a shopping bag in the other. As he trudged through the gloomy, dilapidated streets of Hell, Kevin cried the entire way.

"Aww," said Penny, approaching Curt, "He's adorable! What's his name?"

"Kevin," said Curt, flatly, "Want him?"

"Er," said Penny, "No thanks?"

"Too bad."

"Uh, sure. See ya!"

When Curt arrived home, he placed Kevin in a makeshift crib and fed him some formula. This was enough to quiet Kevin and put him to sleep.

"Finally," said Curt, as sat on his couch, "Now, for a little 'me' time…"

Before Curt could even turn on the TV, he closed his eyes and fell asleep. His head lurched forward and popped right off of his shoulders, landing by his feet. The head then sank through the floor and tumbled through the void before landing in the middle of the street, where it was discovered by the Nooklings.

"Look Tommy," said Timmy, picking up the head, "A new toy!"

"Coool," said Tommy, "Lemme see, lemme see!"

As Tommy reached for it, Timmy pulled the head away.

"Nuh-uh," said Timmy, "I found it first! You can have it when I'm done with it!"

"Don't be selfish! Gimme!"

After taking turns pulling on the head for some time, Tommy had an idea…

"Why don't we take it to Daddy?" he asked.

Timmy gasped, "Good idea, but I had it first!"

"Nuh-uh!"

With that, the Nooklings ran to Nookington's with Curt's head, where their father was working at the cash.

"Look daddy…dy!" they said, "Look what we found…found!"

Nook grabbed the head and examined it for a minute. Suddenly, dollar signs appeared in his eyes.

"Yes!" he said, "This is just what I've been looking for! Oh, my sweet children! You deserve a reward for this magnificent find, yes? How about some ice cream?"

"Mommy said you're not supposed to take us to get ice cream," said Tommy.

"Yeah," said Timmy, "Especially after…"

"Fine then," Nook interrupted, "I'll take you for, er, fruit smoothies, alright?

"Yaaay!"

Nook then ran all the way to the old factory where Curt once worked and handed the head to Resetti.

"The hell's this?" demanded Resetti, while mindlessly fiddling with levers

"You make," began Nook, "I sell. We profit. Deal?"

"Eh," said Resetti, "Fine, whatever. Just toss it in with the rest of 'em."

Resetti pointed to a pile of heads behind him, all belonging to various villagers.

"My last client said heads were gonna roll," said Tank's head, "I didn't think he meant it!"

The other heads in the pile groaned in frustration at Tank's lame joke.

Later, Curt's head was thrown into a furnace, where it was melted down into a gooey substance. From there, the substance was used to mold dozens of miniature Curt bobble heads, which made their way down a production line. Several miserable employees sitting along the conveyor belts placed the heads onto plastic miniature bodies.

"Keep it up maggots," Resetti yelled through the intercom, "We got big a big order to fulfill. Oh, and if you think you're getting overtime pay for this, you can just forget it! HA!"

"This toy looks familiar," said Kicks, as he twisted a head onto a body. "Didn't we used to work with a guy who looked like this?"

"Meh," said Champ, "Maybe. Who cares now, right?"

"Oh shit!" snapped Tom, "I'm not wearing any pants!"

"This isn't that kind of nightmare," sighed Champ.

"It is for me!"

"Just hurry up, will you?" said Kicks, "Or he'll never let us leave!"

With that, the three men began attaching doll heads very quickly.

Curt jolted awake to the sound of Kevin crying. Upon glancing down at his phone, he saw that he had only been asleep for 5 minutes.

"Uggh," he moaned, as he rubbed his face, "What is it now?"

Curt then stood up to attend to Kevin.

The following day, the gang, less Curt, had a discussion behind the post office.

"I'm really worried for Curt," said CJ, "Yesterday he was having a full-on conversation with his radiator. I think he's losing it from the lack of sleep."

"Yeah," said Sakura, "Is it even normal for a baby to cry that much?"

"I'm more worried for Kevin," said Lindsay, "He needs a proper upbringing and while Curt is in no way a bad father, there's only so much he can do by himself."

"Thank God he was able to get paternity leave from his job," said CJ, "So he can at least be home with Kevin."

"But Kevin needs more than that," said Sakura, "He needs a woman's touch! Right, Linds?"

"Well, actually," Lindsay began, "There are plenty of same-sex couples and single dads who…Nevermind. I better go check on Curt and help him out any way I can."

"Good luck with that," said CJ.

Later:

"Hello?" said Lindsay, as she opened Curt's door, "Curt? Are you there?"

From the living room, she could see Curt standing in his kitchen with his back toward her. He raised a large pair of scissors above his head and brought it down on an unseen object, causing a white substance to ooze out from every which way. Kevin could be heard crying in the background while a foul stench engulfed the house.

"Oh my God," said Lindsay, clasping her mouth, "Curt, what are you…"

Curt turned around, revealing that the object he was cutting was a durian.

"Oh," he said, holding up a piece "Hey Linds! Wanna bite? I know it smells like shit but it's really delicious!"

"W-Where's Kevin?"

"Right here!"

Curt pointed to Kevin, who was sitting atop the counter. Lindsay immediately rushed over and picked him up.

"Curt," said Lindsay, as she rocked Kevin to sleep, "That's dangerous! Why can't you keep him in the crib?"

"Because Kevin cries if I leave him," Curt laughed, "But he also cries if I'm too close to him. He's always crying…"

"I understand it's hard. That's why I came over to help."

"Aww, that's sweet of you, but you didn't have to!"

"Yes, I did. Curt, this parenting thing is killing you. Even though you don't want to admit it, you need some help. Where is Daisy, anyway? Wasn't she supposed to be released by now?"

"She called the other day and said it was gonna take a lot longer than she thought. I kinda figured, since rehab stints aren't generally just a 'couple of weeks'. Oh well…"

"Well, don't worry, because I'm gonna show you everything you need to do to keep things under control. I used to babysit a lot when I was a teen, and though I never pursued childcare as a career, the passion was always there. We'll take this day by day."

"Really? Well, I don't know what to say…"

"Just promise me, you'll do everything I say, alright?"

"Woo-hoo!" Curt yelled.

He then turned to his radiator.

"Hear that?" he said to it, "I'm gonna be the best dad ever!"

"Yeah," said Lindsay, "That's the first thing that's gonna have to change…"

To be Continued…