If I thought that staying over at our house was going to somehow magically persuade Olivia to come back to school, I was wrong. She wasn't there again on the Monday at school, and I was deeply disappointed. I felt like crying all day, although I didn't, and when I came home, I spurned Guthrie's attempts at playing with me and disappeared off into our bedroom. It irritated him, but I didn't care. I didn't even feel like playing with Splotch or hanging out with Polly, which is always my go-to activity when I want to feel better. I decided to write in my journal and retrieved it from under my mattress. I wrote all about how sad I was without Olivia there and how frustrated I was that she just wouldn't come back to school. And then, because I read so much, and the characters in my books wrote poems sometimes when they were sad, I did that too.

After I'd finished, I still didn't feel better. That made me feel even more frustrated, because that's what the journal was for! I felt like I wanted to spar with someone and considered going to find Evan because he had a temper like me, and I could provoke him easily. But even that seemed like too much work. Then, as if a lightbulb had gone off in my head, I suddenly remembered the last time that I had felt this bad and thrown an epic tantrum, and Adam had spanked me. He had said that if I was feeling bad, I should come and tell him and we could snuggle for a while because that always made a person feel better. Still, I didn't want to ask him outright. I felt shy about it. Plus, he was never alone. I remembered that Adam had said that I could leave my journal with him if I wanted him to read anything, and I wanted him to read this, but this only. As carefully as I could, I ripped the pages I had just written out of my journal, poem included. I folded them up into quarters and then wrote Adam's name on the front of one of the pages. I surveyed it critically; it didn't say anything bad, but I really only wanted Adam reading it, so I added 'FOR YOUR EYES ONLY!' in big black letters. Then, I peeked out my bedroom door to see if anyone was around. The coast was clear. I quickly ran to Adam and Brian's room. It was a mess like it always was before Hannah came to live with us. After a moment of running through in my head where was the best place to leave it, I decided on Adam's pillow. I left it lying flat at first, but I wanted it to get his attention, so I adjusted it, so it was upright- like a card. Good, I thought, now all I had to do was wait. And control my temper in the meantime.

/

What is it they say- the best laid plans often go astray? I did my chores, and as I was heading on back inside, I saw Adam getting into the jeep and then roar off down our driveway. He held up a hand to say bye when he saw me. When I went inside, only Ford was around, doing homework at the kitchen table.

"Where did Adam go?" I demanded.

"To my parent's night at school," Ford said, without looking up.

"When's he going to be back?"

"I dunno."

"Ford! What time is the parent's night?"

Ford looked up then, looking irritated.

"I said I don't know, Heidi. He'll be home eventually. What's the big deal?"

I sighed, heavily.

"Nothing."

Ford bent his head again and resumed his work. It looked like he was writing a paper.

"Why you doing your homework now?" I asked him.

Ford didn't answer.

"Ford!"

Ford looked up again. This time he looked vastly irritated.

"What?"

"I asked why you're doing homework now."

"I've got a big paper due tomorrow and it's gonna take longer than homework hour," Ford said. "Don't you have something else to do other than bug me?"

Charming. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"You're being mean!"

"I am not being mean."

"You are too!"

"Brian, can you tell Heidi to stop bugging me when I'm doing my homework?" Ford said to Brian who had, at this very moment, walked into the kitchen via the backdoor entrance.

"I'm not bugging him, Brian, he's being really rude to me!"

Brian went to wash his hands at the sink, but he turned to look at me.

"Leave Ford be, Heidi, he's busy just now," he said. "Go and do your chores."

"I've done them."

"Then go and play until supper."

"Can I help you make it?" I asked. For some reason I didn't want to be on my own anymore.

Brian headed to the fridge and pulled it open. He began rummaging through the contents.

"Not tonight, baby, I've got to get things done quickly as there's still a lot to get done outside. Why don't you go and play with Guthrie, hmm?"

Unexpectantly, my eyes filled with tears. Brian telling me, albeit in a nice way, to get out of his hair made me feel rejected, and as a result, disproportionately sad. I didn't want to show Brian I was upset though, and he couldn't see me anyway because he was still pulling things out of the fridge.

"Okay," I said.

"Good girl."

I loped off back through to the living room. I was in a weird mood. I didn't want to be alone, yet I couldn't be bothered to go and find Guthrie. Plus, he'd probably be in a mood with me anyway for saying I didn't want to play immediately after we came home. I decided to head back upstairs to check the current status of the note/journal pages I had left for Adam. When I went into his bedroom, I saw that the note was no longer on Adam's pillow. When I checked under the pillow, under the sheets and under and behind the bed, it wasn't there either. That meant that Adam had seen it, or else that someone else, maybe Brian had removed it, although this was unlikely. I sat down on Adam's bed for a moment, feeling, rather dramatically, abandoned. With 7 more of us, well, 5, since Brian and Crane were adults, I did understand that Adam had a lot on his plate. He was always busy, and never alone and I was usually fine with that. I didn't normally feel like Adam didn't have enough time for me. But I felt that way now. Why did Ford's parents' night have to be tonight of all nights? What if Adam didn't come home until after Guthrie and me were in bed? Or worse, what if he came home and ignored the note? I didn't really think he would do that, but still. Uch- why were things so complicated!

/

In the end, I ended up getting my book and reading on Adam's bed. That's where I was when I heard Brian call that supper was ready. I wasn't so hungry; my belly hurt a bit though it wasn't anything terrible. Brian asked me over supper if Olivia has been at school that day and when I told him morosely that she hadn't, he looked at me sympathetically and said, "That's too bad. I'm sure she'll come around in time though."

"When?" I asked.

"When she's ready."

"But when will that be?"

"Cut it out!" Brian said to Daniel and Evan who were bickering over a bowl of potatoes, then he turned his attention back to me.

"You've gotta be patient, Heidi."

"I hate being patient," I grumbled.

I thought Brian would scold me about my poor attitude, but he surprised me by smiling wryly at me and then saying, "Wanna know a secret?"

I nodded.

"Me too."

/

I usually found my new fourth-grade work manageable, but that evening I found it difficult to complete. It was because I had to concentrate more than usual, and my mind was on Olivia and when Adam was going to come home. I was still at the kitchen table trying to finish my homework long after the others had finished theirs, even Ford. It was nearing the time that Guthrie and I would be sent up for a shower and I was still sitting there, working my way through double- and triple-digit multiplications. I wished I could just use a calculator, but we had to show the different steps we took. Luckily, Daniel, who had come into the kitchen to grab a drink, took pity on me and sat next to me guiding me through the problems. He wasn't bad at math at all.

"When's your concert?" I asked him, once we were finished.

Daniel's face lit up like it always does when he's talking about music. "Middle of next week."

"Are you nervous?"

"A bit," Daniel admitted, "But mostly I'm excited!"

Then I heard my name being called from the other room. It was Brian.

"What?" I called back.

"Come here, please."

I quickly got up and went through to the living room. Evan and Ford were on one of the couches watching television and Brian was crouched by the fireplace, adding more kindling and stoking the fire with the poker. I went to stand next to him.

"What's the matter?"

Brian threw in another log without looking at me.

"Time for a shower."

"Okay… but can I stay up until Adam gets home? Please?"

"I don't know when he'll be home, Heidi, so not if it's past your bedtime."

"But I have to talk to him!" I said.

"You can talk to him tomorrow."

"It's urgent, though!"

Brian finally looked at me, his eyebrows raised.

"Urgent, huh? Well if it's urgent, how about talkin' to me?"

I hesitated. Brian didn't seem like he was in the most sympathetic mood just now. I felt like I wouldn't be able to stand it if I talked to him and he just brushed me off. He could be like that sometimes, especially if he was tired or he had a lot to do. He was never mean about it but he had a way of trying to 'fix' things and then expecting me to buck up and get on with it. Adam could be like that too, but he was the one who understood more that sometimes, all a girl wants is some sympathy. Sympathy's underrated if you ask me.

"It's okay," I said, "It can wait until tomorrow."

/

I was in that hazy, almost asleep phase after lights out when I became aware of my bedroom door opening ever so slightly, and then I felt a hand run over my hair and my quilt being pulled up higher over me. I opened my eyes a sliver and when I saw who it was, I said, "Adam."

"Go back to sleep, honey; I didn't mean to wake you."

"I missed you this evening," I said, drowsily.

"I'm here now."

Adam sat down on the edge of my bed and pulled off his shoes. Then he told me to shove over and lay down next to me. I snuggled into him. He put one arm up, hand behind his head and drew me closer with his other arm so my head was resting on his shoulder. I had woken up a bit more though I was still drowsy.

"I got your note," Adam said quietly in my ear. He carded his fingers through my hair. "I'm real happy that you used your journal to reach out to me and tell me how you're feelin'."

"I'm sad," I said. I didn't bother to lower my voice- I knew Guthrie wouldn't wake up.

"I know."

Adam and I lay there for some moments; him just cuddling me, and me enjoying the affection.

"You know, when you're feelin' down and blue, it's helpful to think of all the things you're lookin' forward to."

"Like what?"

"It's better if you can think of them yourself. What's happening on Saturday for example?"

"Crane's coming home!"

"That's right. And what we gonna do when Crane's home?"

"Get our Christmas tree?"

"Exactly."

"And Daniel's concert is coming up," I said, getting into the swing of things.

"And then Christmas will be here before you know it. Have you written to Santa yet?"

"Adam!" I giggled. Both Guthrie and I knew by now that Santa wasn't real. We'd believed it until we were around 6 when a boy at school had given us a rude awakening. I'd taken it better than Guthrie- he had been devastated!

"What?" Adam said innocently.

Adam shifted slightly and I shifted with him.

"Guess who called here today?"

"Who?"

"Uncle Pete. He said he's goin' to be joinin' us for Christmas this year."

"Uncle Pete? For real?" I said, excitedly, sitting up a little to look at Adam. Uncle Pete was our mother's brother. He was one of those middle-aged men who's perpetually going on 20. He spent most of his time motorbiking around the country on his Harley Davidson wearing his leather jacket- don't ask me how he made a living. He was wholly irresponsible- always had been- but he was so much fun, and we all adored him and were thrilled to see him when he chose to swing by.

"Yes," Adam said, pulling me back down.

"I'm excited," I said.

"Me too. There's a lot to look forward to, right?"

I nodded my head against Adam's shoulder.

"So every time you're missin' Olivia or feelin' sad in the next few weeks, remember all the things we just talked about. Think you can do that?"

"Yes," I said definitively. I was already feeling better.

Happy new year everyone. Hope 2020 is a blessed year. How can it be 2020 already- how is 20 years ago not 1980? Anyway, I appreciate the story is kind of slow at the moment whereas my other one has pace and purpose. I guess I just enjoy writing little vignettes into little Heidi's life. It'll pick up again in due course. Thanks for the continued support.