In which Remus takes the minutes and is super-professional and not mad at absolutely everybody even a little bit, why do you ask?
(Their code is unbreakable, what are you talking about, they're very good at this.)
Warnings: The capitalization has some internal logic, and even though both betas were confused by it, Remus stands firm.
Notes: Happy holidays! This is a short chapter after a longish break, but for anyone who hasn't seen it, I posted a separate Subjectiverse fic a few weeks ago. It's called Interpreter's House, it's set before Wicket Gate in the first term of Severus's fifth year, and it's just a lot of fluff and trust and Evan being clueless but unconsciously-competent while Severus quietly feeds data to his hypothesis. That's probably more like a holiday treat than this chapter, but I hope you'll enjoy this one anyway.
Also, Lily's Maruader-ish name isn't quite there yet. I wasn't going to even further delay posting just for that, but I reserve the right to change my mind about it and am open to suggestions.
She tugged at his collar, getting it just right to be daringly off-kilter instead of sloppy. She kissed him on the cheek, enjoying how nice it was to have someone she didn't have to go on tiptoes for, and how pleased it still made him, every time. She gave the front of his robes one final tug and said in a warm, approving tone, slipping a hand behind his neck to make it support instead of an order, "Have a good time, sweetie. Don't let those oik friends of yours make you tell them anything you don't want to!"
She saw in his day-of-rain eyes how he wanted to protest against his friends being insulted. Saw him remember, with a sigh, how they were likely to react if they heard her name, knew her colours. Saw him nod glumly—in resignation to the necessity, not any resentment of her, or of having to keep secrets, or of being bossed around.
She sent him off with a smile and a kiss, knowing how much he'd have to complain of when he came back to her.
He was so glad she'd be there to talk to when he got back, and thought no more of it than that.
"Minutes" for Triannual Back to School Week Meeting
Friday the Fifth of September, 1980
Location: The Valley in Godric's Hollow, sitting room
Sound quality: Preternaturally quiet, apart from some birds which are definitely not secret animagi spies because Mr Padfoot checked nasally
Barometer: slightly cool (about time) but bloody humid
Emotional barometer: commensurately humid, if you ask me, but no one did
Present:
Mr Prongs (CEO, chief of transfiguration, senior charmsmith, ideas-man, President, Entire Graphics Department, junior guinea pig, and God-king)
Mr Padfoot (Vice-chair, chief of production, chief of technomancy, ideas-man, chief of negotiations, copy-writer, Head of Morale Because We Were Extremely Drunk When Assigning Titles, production slave, senior guinea pig)
Mr Wormtail: (Ministry liaison, senior potioneer, junior transmuter, ideas-man, guinea pig emeritus)
Mr Moony: (Budget-Wrangler, chief of administration, senior charmsmith, senior transmuter, Layout Man, chief of production, copy-writer, ideas man, etc etc aka the one who actually does some work around here even when it isn't deliriously entertaining)
Mr Giddy: (White Bearded-Counselor, All-Around Ginger Terror, senior nephew-corrupter, potions consultant, ideas-man)
Mr Fishbreath: (co-mascot, Muse, Chief of sitting on Padfoot's head, senior sarnie-stealer)
Absent:
Madam Tigereye (CFO, chief charmsmith, chief potioneer, copy editor, Ethics Monitor, chief aesthetician, and Queen, consulting guinea pig at Her Majesty's pleasure)
Mr Fabulous (White Bearded-Counselor, All-Around Ginger Terror, technomancy consultant, consulting guinea pig, senior nephew-tester, and ideas-man)
Mr Prongslet (co-mascot, chief of dirty nappy production)
Minutes
Meeting opened with the traditional argument over whether minutes should include timekeeping and whether it is completely necessary to continually undermine Mr Padfoot's vital contributions as Head of Morale and towards the production of established products.
Mr Moony read out the week's production numbers and Mr Padfoot sulked and made excuses.
Mr Moony called into question the validity of Mr Padfoot's excuses on the basis that Mr Padfoot doesn't have a real job either.
Messrs Moony and Prongs debated whether (ir)regularly babysitting the best child in history without fiscal compensation should be considered a real job. No consensus reached: parties agreed to disagree.
Mr Wormtail inquired as to the whereabouts of Madam Tigereye and Mr Prongslet. Mr Prongs informed the meeting that they are visiting her mother. (Mr Padfoot looks as if he knows something about Madam Tigereye's absence and is uncharacteristically unhappy about it. This being only tangentially relevant to company business, Mr Moony will get it out of him later.)
Production Notes
Mr Prongs noted that last quarter's production numbers had already been read and proposed skipping ahead.
Mr Moony cautioned Mr Prongs that the production numbers as read might have been summarized for effect (at which point Mr Padfoot said 'HA' very loudly and also incorrectly, causing Mr Fishbreath to hide under the cupboard), and read said numbers in more detail.
Mr Padfoot fetched a round of butterbeer for the company to cover his shame.
Mr Padfoot's failure to promise to take on something approximating his share of the boring stuff and avoid a repeat of this sad incident at the next meeting was noted by Mr Prongs and was deeply unsurprising to Mr Moony.
Back To School Week Sales
Arse-Kicking Boots: sold well amongst Hogwarts-bound students, but were all returned to Zonko's by Mr Filch and many parents pressed for reimbursement. Zonko's has dropped the line, enclosing in their communication an unpleasant reminder of having agreed to stock company products in spite of concerns about company members' school-age reputations. Mr Wormtail volunteered to ask Barty Crouch Jr to make enquiries as to whether the DMLE might have a use for such a mobile offensive distraction. Mr Giddy asked what use a trainee Auror might be in this area, and Mr Wormtail explained that Mr Crouch is kindly disposed towards him at the moment, thanks to a matter of Mr Wormtail's limiting Mr Crouch's time in a difficult meeting, and that Mr Crouch would know who to ask and where to start in making introductions. Mr Prongs approved the plan. Mr Moony cautioned that the Ministry might find the boots a touch chaotic for their tastes. Mr Giddy agreed that the Ministry is a bunch of fuddy-duddies. Mr Padfoot pointed out that the boots can in fact be set to a specific target when the desired target is known. Mr Moony agreed that it's certainly worth trying but also expressed the opinion that the company should not get its collective hopes up as sympathetic magic is required to set a target.
Duck-Egg Delights: similar situation (same for the Marauder's Torches), with fewer requests for reimbursement (possibly due to the much lower price points). Mr Padfoot reported that an owl approached him on Monday with a howler from Mr Filch on Hogwarts stationary in which one of the few coherent words did indeed sound quite like 'ducks.' Mr Padfoot expressed gratification at Mr Filch's most unexpected rhyming ability. Mr Wormtail expressed justifiable dudgeon at the failure of an innovative product. Mr Prongs wondered what sort of giant bristle-brush had crawled up Mr Filch's arse. Mr Giddy (despite being only familiar with the late Mr McGillicutty and not Mrs Norris) expressed the opinion that it was his foul cat's tail, assured Mr Wormtail that it was an extremely innovative product and noted that Mr Filch had not in former years made a practice of shaking down incoming students with mischief detectors. The company affirmed that it didn't appear to have been Filch's practice last year, based on sales figures. The company indulged in a round of self-congratulation. Mr Prongs clarified that his earlier question had not been rhetorical, and Mr Padfoot explained that Mr Filch had expressed hygienic concerns. The company agreed that this was a failure of advertising, although Mr Moony noted that Mr Wormtail looked a bit shifty while agreeing. Mr Moony will revise the adverts and packaging, after confirming with Mr Wormtail privately that Mr Filch's concerns are unfounded. (And possibly making some inquiry into why Mr Wormtail is so unusually (one might even say vengefully) preoccupied with this one.)
Other comestibles performed as expected. Mr Padfoot will deliver the Zonko's and Sugarplum numbers to G&J and Honeydukes and attempt to secure shelf space in time for the first Hogsmeade weekend. Mr Giddy advised Mr Padfoot to buy lunch for Mr Flume before entering into serious discussion, which advice was well taken in light of last year's abject failure and Mr Padfoot's subsequent exit from the sweets shop pursued by an angry mob.
Madam Tigereye's line of hair-rinses was an absolute smash, although the aura-enhancer performed considerably less well at market than the sparkling, bubbly, and jasmine-sprouting ones. The company agreed that we should wait and see if word-of-mouth has any effect on sales next quarter before cutting the aura-enhancer. Mr Padfoot expressed a fond desire to see the bubbly version used on a gentleman of our acquaintance. Mr Giddy's request to be further informed on this point was initially met eagerly by Messrs Padfoot and Wormtail, but to Mr Moony's astonishment, Mr Prongs put a close to this discussion—looking weirdly uncomfortable, in the writer's opinion.
Night Lights: similarly successful, with the exception of the Marauder's Torches as aforementioned* and the cute one for nurseries (still some sales on that one, just not from the student crowd. Mr Wormtail expressed some bewilderment that first-years were as liable to go for dragons over unicorns as the older years, and was asked in some astonishment by the company at large whether he actually remembered our first year. No cohesive reply to this query.)
* Some concerns expressed that the Marauders Torches are too similar to Hands of Glory for distribution to the general public. Half the company acknowledges this as a reasonable concern and the remainder is hung up on the fact that our torches accomplish their effect entirely without the use of dark magic or dismembered dead blokes' body parts. Messrs Moony and Padfoot agreed to discuss whether the effect can be adjusted to be less attractive to criminals and terrorists, always assuming Mr Padfoot is ever at home to have anything discussed with him, and in the meantime distribution will be limited to Community Engagement purposes.
Zonko's COMPLETELY SOLD OUT on Eager-Pleaser Catnip Treats. Mr Moony remarked that the company ought to prepare for complaints: while these are likely to make normal cats and kneazles more susceptible to requests to get off the kitchen table/birdfeeder/baby's face and stop trying to disembowel the other pets, it is likely to have little to no effect on Mrs Norris, who is widely acknowledged to be the avatar of some Lovecraftian demon-god. Some discussion ensued on the exact composition of the evil that lurks in her spiteful little heart, and by 'some' I mean about fifteen minutes. The company concluded that she must have been summoned by some ancient dark rite Mr Filch found in the restricted section which could be accomplished by Muggles but uses the tears of virgins, baby unicorns, or first-year Huffies.
Vendor Requests
Attachment 1: recurring orders
Attachment 2: non-recurring orders
(IMPORTANT: this year let's remember Ollivander doesn't want trick wands, he wants the fizzy sparkly obviously-a-toy ones the titchier sprogs can use to practice their forms without the risk of sudden Real-Smelling Rubber Giant Squid Hats)
Attachment 3: Honeydukes (tentative: To Be Adjusted Following firm but POLITE AND HUMBLE Negotiation, Padfoot)
Attachment 4: Sugarplums
Attachment 5: Zonko's (also TBAFN)
Attachment 6: Gambol & Japes
Attachment 7: Auror Corps/DMLE
Attachment 8: Community Engagement
Forward Planning
Note: Production for several products was multiplied for the back to school rush. Relative numbers in this section are as compared with production estimates from last quarter.
Production to resume on body armour, footprint enhancement, demiguise-hair cloaks, Stunning Shrikes. Continue at full capacity on Marauder's Torches as noted above.
Production to be delayed on Cold Nose Warm Heart drops until a) the weather calls for it and b) we can refine the recipe so it stops making Mr Padfoot steam uncomfortably at the ears. Further development and testing approved over Mr Padfoot's objections.
Production to stop on the s/t/u/p/i/d b/l/o/o/d/y attack boots until Mr Wormtail has had a chance to talk to Mr Crouch and take feedback for any changes the DMLE might wish to see before (we hope) placing a bulk order. Mr Padfoot suggested that, however enamoured Mr Prongs is with the boots as boots, they might sell better as detachable under-soles to be activated when kicked off. Mr Prongs reluctantly agreed that Mr Wormtail had better keep this idea in reserve to offer Barty if necessary. Messrs Prongs and Padfoot will begin work on the necessary adjustments.
Production to resume as normal on most hair rinses, night lights, and all the sweets except the duck eggs (reconsider after sanitation-certified). Including the catnip treats, at least until we can gauge the Hogwarts reaction.
Production on the aura rinse and the unicorn night light to be reduced to 20%. Mr Prongs will re-label as Limited Editions with new artwork. Mr Moony will add a Probationary Product Performance Appraisal item to the agenda for the next quarterly meeting. Mr Padfoot suggested the labelling for aura rinse should target courting couples and their mothers. Mr Padfoot had no immediate suggestions for how to do this without slapping a honking great 'MUMS! CONCERNED YOUR PRECIOUS PRINCESS IS TAKING UP WITH A PRINCE OF SLIME AND DARKNESS?!' on the label, but hinted with suspiciously belligerent mysteriousness that he might have a consultant in mind. Mr Moony reminded Mr Padfoot that packaging designs must go through layout to prevent spatial distortion and magical interference, and Mr Padfoot agreed but declared he would act as a middleman rather than arranging a meeting. This is not dodgy at all.
Further development of hair rinses to produce different sorts of flowers and less salubrious results (for Zonkos and G&J only) was approved. Mr Prongs cautioned that rinses in the latter category will have to be run by the Ethics Monitor before final approval.
Development of a range of friends-and-family tracking charms to be proposed to Ethics Monitor for review. Mr Padfoot is allowed to play around with the idea but is cautioned that serious experimentation is to be delayed until Madam Tigereye has had a chance to poke holes all over it. Mr Giddy volunteered himself as a potential consultant on this project and Mr Fabulous as a potential guinea pig, and stated more seriously that he wouldn't mind having something along those lines for his own family.
Development of the Phoenix Bomber is to continue and we are still not telling Madam Tigereye about it, to Mr Moony's considerable disapproval. Production has been delayed by Madam Tigereye and 'a galumphing Hufflepuff apparating home in a whomping rush and landing directly on' the prototype, but at least Mr Prongs was keeping rudimentary notes this time.
Community Involvement
Mr Prongs told an EXTREMELY DISTURBING ghost story about an abandoned Underground station and implied that the Aurors will think the occasionally hirsute responsible. Mr Prongs was unable to identify any actions taken to dissuade the Aurors from this impression. Mr Prongs presented his belief that the Aurors' alternate theory will be that muggles were responsible as an excuse for not taking such action. Some discussion of which category of persons is best able to defend themselves, which got unfortunately political and got b/l/o/o/d/y nowhere. More evidence apparently needs to be gathered to convince the company at large of its complete wrongheadedness on the subject of who is most vulnerable to sodding politics. No action items on this front from the company at large.
Mr Prongs reports Mr Spangles is pleased with the results of Mr Padfoot's ventures into Muggle London. Said ventures have also resulted in an enormous pile of rubbish which Mr Padfoot claims has given him ideas, although Mr Wormtail warns the company that new laws limiting adaptation of Muggle items are being crafted and care will have to be taken in developing any muggle-derived products.
Mr Wormtail is enjoying his new day job and feels he is doing good work, but reports that some of the incidents his office has been called to explain away have been decidedly malicious. Mr Padfoot enquired whether a certain gentleman might be presumed involved, but admitted when Mr Wormtail elaborated that he wouldn't expect said gentleman to repeat himself twice in two weeks and that nastier versions of common Zonko's products like nose-biting teacups lacked the expected spitefully personalized imagination. Mr Wormtail suggested that the gentleman might be developing a monomaniacal resentment of more standard-sized noses, or planning to utilize his noted unpleasant facility with switching spells.
Mr Prongs expressed the desire that the company should work very hard to prove to Mr Spangles its collective maturity, steadfastness, and ability to keep mum about sensitive topics. Mr Padfoot remarked that this sounded remarkably like being asked to turn Hufflepuff. Mr Prongs reported that Mr Spangles has expressed an unwillingness to let the company contribute more than production to Community Involvement until convinced that the company as a whole can't be pressured, startled, or provoked into accidentally doing the wrong thing. Mr Wormtail noted that we are very good at production, someone has to do it, and it's not as if anyone else is having pitched battles either. Mr Padfoot argued that they could be and no one is telling us or the Prophet, and Mr Prongs agreed with Mr Padfoot.
Old Business
Mr Wormtail remains of the opinion that members of the general populace are looking at him funny, although he concedes that this is less of an issue now he's switched offices. Mr Prongs suggested that the office itself might have been at issue, or indeed Mr Wormtail's former desk since his former co-workers were not similarly afflicted. Mr Prongs agreed to pursue the matter in a month or two if Mr Wormtail did not notice continued improvement. Mr Giddy suggested it might be our civic duty to inform the Ministry if one of its offices, or even desks, is cursed. Mr Padfoot gave a stirringly unpatriotic speech about The Man, the conclusion of which being that anyone working for the government deserves what they get. Neither Mr Wormtail nor Mr Giddy appeared impressed, which suggests to Mr Moony that either Mr Giddy likes his brother-in-law better than he likes to admit or that there's a reason Messrs Giddy and Fabulous never seem to discuss their day jobs even to complain about coworkers.
Mr Wormtail continues to refuse to tell us his girlfriend's name, even in the face of Mr Padfoot's insistence that her name is Shaglesswanka Maiditupson.
Mr Padfoot expressed dismay at not having the baby around and some confusion about what to do with himself. Mr Moony suggested he invent a loom for the demiguise cloaks if occasionally pointing a wand at a pair of knitting needles is so beneath him. Mr Moony also suggested he might occasionally consider doing his own bloody dishes. Mr Padfoot accepted the challenge of the loom, cheerfully disregarding Mr Giddy's information that such looms (naturally) already exist.
New Business
Mr Wormtail suggested selling some products exclusively to the DMLE, since 'exclusive government contract' looks good for promotional purposes and some of Mr Padfoot's former relations and their associates might use them harmfully. Mr Padfoot agreed heartily with this assessment but disagreed with the proposal, saying that the people we should be concerned about would use their own charmsmiths rather than patronizing Gryffindors, and it would be rotten of us to deny Moon-madness to mischief-minded munchkins. Mr Prongs declared the motion tabled until Madam Tigereye and Mr Fabulous are present to discuss it and vote.
Mr Prongs proposed a line of toys for babies and was roundly shouted down by most of the sane members of the company. Mr Giddy questioned the wisdom of summarily dismissing a potentially lucrative product idea which could encourage the right sort of mindset in mayhem-oriented children from a young age (Mr Giddy did not deny accusations that he was planning to torment his own sister using his own giant pack of nephews), but retracted his objection when Messrs Moony and Wormtail explained about the Spaghetti Incident, the Aardvark Incident, the Thing With The Crib, and that the Fuzzy Bear disaster hadn't even initially been Mr Padfoot's idea.