Thank you oz diva for bouncing ideas back and forth with me all night and contributing valuable pieces, the story has her lovely touch yet again.

"…I don't know Belle, I mean I love him, I guess, but…"

Berty the cart horse in trail, Matthew trod up to the back door of the barn.

Out in the field all that could be heard was the skylarks and the snuffly breaths of the horse as it cooled down.

But now that he was in the gloomy interior of the barn Anne's voice could be heard quite clearly. It was a trick of the place that one could hear what was going on in the stalls, a feature Matthew had found quite handy at odd moments over the years.

"He reminds me so much of Billy. First it was his face. And then it was his hair. And now he's acting so mean, you know? And I worry…"

Matthew stopped to listen harder.

He and Marilla had been concerned when Gilbert took Walter off to his place for a few days. Gilbert had said it "just seemed like a lot for her right now".

They had chatted about it and asked Anne to explain her reasons, but essentially it remained a mystery.

Despite being out in the barn most of the day, Matthew had missed the little chap when he came in for lunch and afternoon tea. It seemed unnaturally quiet about the place, which was odd really when he stopped to think about it. It had been quiet at Green Gables for so many years, but he was no longer used to it.

"I can't believe I said it...that I hated my own baby. I think Walter was asleep, but what if he heard me say I hate him?"

Matthew's mouth was open in surprise. He knew Anne's road wasn't easy- but he'd never heard her say she hated Walter. He wondered how long she'd felt that way- had she always hated him, and had just been successful in hiding it up till now?

The horse made some sort of comforting noise and Anne took a shuddery breath.

"I've got to do a better job of hiding my feelings!" But then her voice broke. "But I can't always hold everything together, it's just too much sometimes! I hate that this happened to me...sometimes I just feel like life's been so unfair."

She wiped her tears on her hand and leaned against the horse's side.

"When I was pregnant, I thought- here's this baby, who's just trying to...trying to...be a person. And I'm acting like his life is wrong, somehow. And then I felt even worse, because he doesn't know what happened to me- he has no idea that his whole life was an interruption. He loves me so much, Belle, he doesn't deserve to be hated..."

Her voice took on a stronger tone. "I can't let Walter feel unloved because of something that happened before he was born...it would be so awful to find out your mother hates you; I've got to do a better job hiding it!"

She just breathed a moment.

"I thought I'd been doing decently enough, you know, but now that he's started to act this way, it's dredged everything back up for me...will it always be this way- where I think things are better and then suddenly they're not? I can't tell Matthew and Marilla I hate him and I need a break. What'll Marilla think of me then? Oh, Belle, I wish you could talk back…"

Anne was continuing to talk to the horse, but Mathew backed out of the barn. Tying the horse up, he went to talk to Marilla.

"Matthew, what are you doing in here, I'm just mopping the floor," Marilla said in an annoyed tone.

"Never mind about that, I need to talk to you. It's about Anne."

Marilla stopped, moving a stray hair from her eyes as she straightened up.

"Anne's out in the barn talking to Belle."

Marilla smiled faintly; she had not known Anne still talked to the horse the way she did as a little girl.

"The thing is, I overheard her, and she said some upsetting things. Or, things that…"

"Sit down, Matthew. What is it?"

Matthew held his hat in his hands. "She said she hated him."

"Who? Not Gilbert," Marilla asked with a frown.

"Walter."

"Was she angry about something? He didn't act up today, at least."

"Didn't seem to be tied to any one incident. Seemed to be sort of an overall appraisal."

Marilla looked hurt.

"Seems she's been conflicted about hating him a while. She told Gilbert- that's why he took Walter away for four days."

"That's why?" Marilla was upset. "We knew there was some sort of problem of course but she didn't say anything to us about hating him!"

Anne came into the kitchen, hoping she didn't look as if she'd been crying. She caught the tail end of that conversation, and looked accusingly at both of them.

Upset, she turned, hurriedly going back outside.

Marilla stared after her, but then shook her head in dismay. "I know she struggles, but my goodness, what an awful thing to say! ...I can't have her being so unkind to poor Walter, it isn't his fault. She needs to turn that around, the sooner the better."

Matthew paused. "But what if she can't?"

Marilla looked at him, startled.

Matthew said again, "What if she can't stop those feelings?"

Marilla was flustered. "She must try."

"How d'you know she ain't trying, Marilla? Maybe she is, hard as she can. ...If she can't stop her feelings, and you've told her not to have them, then what choice does she have but to hide them from us?"

Marilla had nothing to say to that.

Matthew, feeling a need to talk, continued. "She told Gilbert she hated Walter- she didn't tell you and I. Once they marry, who will she tell then?"

"What do you mean, who will she tell?"

Matthew was patient. "Gilbert took Walter away- but that won't help her once they're married 'cause they'll all be in the same house together. So where can Walter go?"

"If she truly can't stand Walter, then he can come home to us!" was Marilla's sharp reply.

She felt put out with Anne. How could anyone not love Walter? Yes, he was acting difficult at the moment, but still, she loved him more than life itself and she could not understand anyone saying they hated the darling.

Matthew shook his head. "You made her feel badly for sending him away. So how could she send him to us?"

"Anne," Marilla said, disturbing Anne's solitude. She was back with Belle, leaning against the horse, braiding her mane and humming softly.

Anne turned to her, only to avoid being impertinent; she'd rather ignore Marilla completely right now.

But Marilla said something then that got Anne's attention.

"It-ah- it occurred to me that I often tell you how you ought to feel about Walter."

"It doesn't matter how I feel," Anne said shakily.

"I admit I've been very concerned about poor Walter," Marilla continued. "I don't want him to feel unloved. ...But I never meant for that to be at the expense of you."

Anne wiped her eyes.

"I've made you feel like you're a bad mother, haven't I? Berating you for your feelings. ...What did Gilbert say when you told him you hated Walter?"

Anne shrugged. "He didn't say anything much, he just offered to take him away for a few days so I could have a break."

Marilla took a breath. "Well, I can see why you told him, instead of me. From me, you'd have been scolded for saying such a thing."

She shook her head at herself. She was absolutely distraught at knowing Anne had said she hated her poor baby...but she now realized that if she didn't accept Anne's feelings as they were, she would only push her further away, and there would be a wedge driven between them.

She looked to Anne. "When you and Gilbert marry…"

Anne was watching her.

"Someday," she quickly added- no one had told Anne, yet, what they'd discussed without her earlier that day- "And you believe it would give you peace of mind to have some time without Walter, I want you to feel you can send him over to us."

Anne looked as though she was walking on shaky ground.

"I mean that, Anne. You can send him to us, no questions asked."