There were a million reasons why Marinette could have broken the kiss and proceeded to stare at him oddly. Maybe he had made a weird noise and she was seconds away from bursting into laughter about it like she sometimes did. Maybe he had unconsciously gone too far and she was looking for the most tactful words to tell him what he had done wrong. From all those 'maybe's and 'what if's, she picked the absolute worst thing to say.
"Why do you have cat ears?"
Adrien went very still and saw her view drift to the aforementioned cat ears on his head when they flattened in fear.
She saw them. She saw him. She saw…what she shouldn't be able to see. He had made sure that she wouldn't—she was wearing the charm Tikki had enchanted to prevent exactly this situation! Why? Why? WHY?!
Why her? Why now? Why everything?
Adrien almost didn't register that he had started shivering and slowly backing away.
My fault. It's all my fault!
Never before had her gaze inflicted such deep and complete fear in him. He wanted to yell at her not to look at him, but he couldn't bring out a word. All he managed was to stare back at her in utter horror.
This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to be possible. This wasn't…
His eyes fell on an object on Marinette's side of the chaise lounge when she sat up. A very familiar object of absolute doom.
Instinctively his pupils narrowed into angry slits at the sight of it and he swiftly snatched the small thing up.
The runes were identical to those he had seen all those months ago even though the piece of rowan was different. He should have expected it. Chloé had gone to yet another a revel on Imbolc, just barely two weeks ago. If she had returned from the Samhain revel with an enchanted piece of rowan wood, it should have been obvious that she was likely to do the same thing this time. She must have just waited for the perfect moment to place it in Marinette's room. How she had done it, he didn't know. It also wasn't important right now.
His hands shook, fear and anger mixing into one frightening emotion that he tried to quell. It didn't work. Instead, panic overwhelmed him once more.
"I…" Adrien said and his voice gave out. He couldn't explain it, didn't want to explain it. Marinette wasn't supposed to know. Seeing her eyes follow the movement of his anxiously lashing tail wasn't a thing that should be. It was too late though. She knew. She knew and she couldn't just unknow…or could she?
Everything in him rebelled as a horrible thought struck him.
No, he couldn't do that! Not to her! Not to his Princess, his love, his everything. He couldn't…
But there was no other way.
"Adrien, what's going on? What is that?"
Her voice was full of confusion with an additional hint of fear. At least he wasn't the only one who was afraid…
Only at her latter question did he realise that he was still glaring at the rowan wand, the root of all his troubles. He threw the offending thing to the ground as if it had stung him.
"Princess…I'm so sorry," he said and there was a weird, foreign quality to his voice. Foreign in a way that was utterly human and drenched with endless sorrow.
"You can't know about this. About any of this. It's too dangerous," he said and for some reason it was physically challenging to get the words out, like his throat was refusing to let him speak. Not surprising, since everything in him fought against what he was about to do.
He took her left hand, ignoring the way she stared at his claws, and took the bracelet off. One of the charms, the ladybug one, was just as protective as rowan berries were. As long as she wore it, no fae could charm her.
A sob involuntarily tore itself out of him when he looked into her eyes and found understanding there. His smart and beautiful lady had connected the dots already. He had expected nothing less. Then again, 'It's too dangerous' was basically Chat Noir's catchphrase at this point, so that every idiot who knew that could have guessed his identity correctly. Heck, minus the suit, mask and green sclera he even had all of Chat Noir's signature features right now!
Adrien had to look away to brace himself for what he was about to do. To do what the fair folk did all the time without a second thought. He wasn't like them though. Not anymore. He hadn't been like that for a very long time now. Maybe not ever, even, when he thought about it. And Marinette wasn't just anyone.
There was no way around it though.
He had to charm her.
To make her forget what she had seen and let things go back to…normal. And he had to hurry too. The more time passed, the more she realised, the harder it would be to make her forget and keep those things forgotten.
Tikki would kill him for this, but that was okay. Marinette's safety was worth everything to him.
Yet…Adrien found himself hesitating. To him, this felt like abuse, no matter how pure his intentions were. If he had to do this to her then he could at least explain himself before he did so. She would forget it of course, but it still felt like the right thing to do. Well, at least as right as anything could be in this situation.
"Adrien—" Marinette started, her voice and expression still full of confusion but now also mixed with immense concern, the previous hint of fear gone.
My brave Princess.
She didn't get to finish, though, as Adrien wrapped her in a hug and buried his head into the crook of her neck in a pitiful search for comfort.
"Listen, they will kill you or worse if they know you know," he said and even though his voice was throaty, he managed to get it out without any stammering. He could feel his girlfriend freeze in his arms, fear finally taking hold of her as well. "I told you it's dangerous. I tried to make you understand but you're just so terribly stubborn." He let out a laugh that quickly turned into another sob. "It's safer for you not to know about any of this," he continued and his voice took on a weird whiny quality. "I…I'll have to make you forget. It's like nothing of this will have ever happened. It'll be like…like you never saw anything."
His sobs were trying to take over at this point, making it hard for him to speak. There was also a distressed purr rumbling through him as if he had been mortally wounded.
A soft, tingly sensation on his cheek caught his attention, though he quickly wrote it off as probably a strand of her hair.
"I don't want to," he sobbed silently.
Suddenly there was the feeling of her fingers in his hair. She petted him softly and soothingly, like she often did when he was upset. He was too distressed to question why.
"I…I really don't understand what's going on," Marinette said. "But if you're sure that it's safer for me not to know about it…then I trust you, Chaton."
He buried his head deeper into her neck as sorrow threatened to overtake him. He knew she had figured him out, but to hear her use the nickname she only ever used for Chat Noir…it made it more real.
"I'm sorry," he whimpered. "I'm so, so sorry."
"Shh, it's okay, Adrien," she said quietly.
She was comforting him as if he was the one who was about to have his memory magically tampered with. Just how could she stay this calm? How could she be this strong?! Then he noticed her tears and they told another story.
"It's really not okay at all," he croaked and was instantly reminded of the conversation they had almost a year ago about what happened last year on Valentine's Day.
Disgust of himself went through him in a shudder when he thought about it. Thinking about it just solidified his decision. Like a coward, he wanted to make her forget about the dots she had connected. Make her forget that the horrible monster back then hadn't just been her partner, but also her now-boyfriend. He didn't want to make her live with that gruesome knowledge.
Adrien allowed himself a few more moments in her safe embrace before he backed away once more. The moment he looked into her tear-filled eyes, he wanted to hug her again. To tell her that everything would be alright…but that'd be a lie, and he didn't want to lie to her. Least of all now.
"Please," he said and his voice sounded broken even to his ears. "Forgive me."
It wasn't much more than a whisper and he closed his eyes right afterwards. More to not fall into temptation and go back into her arms where the world couldn't hurt him and things would be safe, than for concentration. In fact, there was not much concentration needed. That was the scary part, because charming was easy. It was like second nature to him…or technically, first nature. Just a few words and this nightmare would look like it was over. In reality, it was just beginning.
When he opened his eyes again, he scratched together all the broken bravery that was left in him to look at her. Making someone forget had never been this soul-wrenching before. It felt like he was about to commit a crime.
Adrien took a deep breath, gathered all the small specks of courage left in him and instead of breathing out, started speaking with a voice that was alluring without him trying to, that was convincing without him striving to, that was inhuman without him wanting to.
"Marinette Dupain-Cheng."
He despised how her name sounded in this voice. Like it had been sullied. What he despised even more though was how her eyes—usually so full of life—took on a glassy quality. He almost stopped right there and then, but he knew it was better to continue. She couldn't know, no matter what Chloé said. Tikki of all creatures agreed with him to keep her chosen in the dark, and who was he to argue with the goddess of creation?
"You will forget everything that happened after we got out your hair pins. Under no circumstances shall you remember what you saw, nor the things that you learned. You will keep thinking that I'm human and that after getting the hair pins out, we just fell asleep here. It'll be like this never happened."
It was probably the hardest thing he had ever done in his entire life, but he managed to keep his voice steady and clear. He just hoped he hadn't forgotten anything.
"I'll kiss you awake and you'll have forgotten all the things I just told you to forget. Now…sleep."
Marinette's eyes instantly fell closed and she limply fell forward right into his arms. He hugged her sleeping form close to him, as if to keep her safe this way, as if to make things better.
Nothing would make it better though.
Adrien had done something horrible. Something unforgivable even. He had done the one thing he had sworn never to do: Taking away her will.
And even though she had agreed and wouldn't remember anything, it didn't make it any less horrible.
He was a despicable creature.
"I'm sorry," he quietly sobbed into her hair even though she couldn't hear him right now. "I'm so sorry! I didn't want to do this."
When something touched him, he raised his head with a start. At first, he had thought that he might have accidentally woken up Marinette, but she was still fast asleep in his arms. His eyes then wandered upwards and met the blue-purplish irises of his certain doom.
"I broke my vow," he whispered and shrunk back, still not really believing the horror of the situation. Tikki would doubtlessly offer no mercy whatsoever when her fury from their first ever meeting was anything to go by. Back then, he hadn't even charmed Marinette and she had wanted to banish him to Tír na nÓg. He would never see Marinette and everyone else he loved ever again.
To his distress, Tikki didn't reply. She just looked at him like she was trying to solve a riddle.
"I…I'm sorry, Tikki. I didn't know what else to do! S-she found out and—"
Her floating approach silenced him. She would no doubt inflict horrors beyond his imagination on him now. Adrien shut his eyes and hugged Marinette closer, shivering in fearful anticipation of what unknown thing was to befall him.
The goddess, though, only touched his cheek and then withdrew. When nothing seemed to happen after a few moments, he dared to open his eyes again. He hadn't felt any magic and he was still where he had been before. Tikki was still floating in front of him and now looked at her wet paw.
Why was it wet?
"Cat Sidhe can't cry," she eventually said quietly and then looked up at him. "But humans can."
Well, that was true, but he didn't see how…
The sensation of something warm and wet rolling down his cheeks made him pause in his thoughts. He touched a shaking hand to his face and then could do nothing but stare at the wetness on it.
This wasn't possible. He had never cried in his life!
"B-but I can't cry. I'm not…"
"A real fae would have been selfish and let her live with the consequences. After all, it would have made a lot of things easier for you if you wouldn't have to hide half your life from her anymore. A human, though, would have protected his loved one, even at great costs. Such selflessness isn't something the fae can ever understand," Tikki said and then floated closer to pet his head. "I honestly would have done this myself if you hadn't. You're more human than you give yourself credit for and…much more than I first thought you were. I'm sorry for misjudging you, Adrien. You're anything but malicious.
"And as for your vow, you promised to not cause my chosen any harm, and I don't consider this kind of protection as harmful."
For a short moment, Adrien considered that he had passed out from the shock and was dreaming all of this up. But then a small purring presence pressed itself to his neck. Plagg.
"You did good, kid," he said. "And while you made your impression of an indoor fountain, I already dispelled the lingering effects of the glamour-breaker. Nasty little stick. Definitely changeling craft."
Adrien took a shaky breath. Now that the tears had started to flow, they didn't want to stop, as if they were trying to make up for the sixteen years they have been absent. It was a weird and foreign sensation, but the knowledge that they were a fully human thing grounded and comforted him. Only for a few minutes though.
"The universe is mocking me, isn't it?" he eventually sobbed, meanwhile not letting go of Marinette's sleeping form. "I'm not human. What I just did proves that. So…why can I cry? It should be impossible."
Plagg floated down to his shoulder and started purring again.
"Kid, you of all people should know that the world isn't just black and white."
Adrien gave a disbelieving snort. It wasn't? Well, the Court seemed to be quite certain about that worldview. A world he was part of.
"Plagg is right," Tikki chimed in and floated closer. "There are opposing forces in the universe, but in-between those forces are grey areas, some wider than others. Halflings aren't either fae or human, but they're in between. Where in-between, depends on everyone individually. Most choose to get closer to their fae side, but they'll never fully achieve it. The same happens when you try to reach out to the human side." Tikki wiped away a few fresh tears from his face before continuing. "You will never be either one or the other, but always something in-between. What matters is not what you are though, Adrien, but who you are. It's your decisions that matter most. You decided to become as human as possible and you'll earn respect from whoever values the traits that come with it."
Adrien was silent for a moment, thinking that over. "Even you?" He eventually asked silently.
Tikki smiled. "Especially me."
The smile he returned turned out wobbly and faint, but that was about all he would be able to manage at this moment. He softly stroked Marinette's hair out of her face and eventually let go of her in favour of laying her down with her head resting on one of the decorative pillows.
"This will have consequences," Tikki suddenly said gravely and Adrien flinched heavily. Hadn't she just agreed with his actions and even told him that she would have done the same thing?! Was she about to punish him after all?!
He was about to beg for her forgiveness once more when she turned to him and waved her arms in a soothing motion.
"Adrien, calm down," she said in a soft voice. "You're fine, really. I just meant that charming has its limits. The moment Marinette comes into a similar situation, it could trigger her to remember again."
Adrien paled. He hadn't known that.
"B-but," he stammered, not really knowing what he even wanted to say.
"It's a conundrum, that's for sure," Plagg said with a sigh. "Your Princess is a ticking clock now, kid."
"A…a ticking clock?" Adrien repeated. He knew what those words meant, but he didn't want to believe them.
"It's impossible to erase memories. All you can do is block them," Tikki added and sat down on the back of the chaise lounge. "They'll stay blocked for now, but we can't know for how long that will hold. She'll remember eventually and when that happens, you'll have to tell her."
As it turned out, breaking down in tears was easy. So easy, in fact, that it made him wonder why he hadn't been able to do it these past sixteen years. Stopping the endless flow of sorrow and misery was an entirely other thing though. He thought that he had saved her. That she would remain in blissful ignorance.
Never ever had he wanted to drag her down to his world of horrors. She…she was strong, but he had heard that the ways of the fae were incomprehensible to humans. Would it break her? He couldn't think about that now, otherwise it would break him.
This wasn't right. Nothing of this was right. And it was all his fault. He had been a selfish fae once upon a time who had wanted someone to be with so that he wouldn't be as alone anymore. Even on that fateful Midsummer night he had known that he should have stayed away. He had known that he would bring bad luck and danger to her. He had known and yet…here he was.
"Oh no, I know this face," Plagg suddenly said. "Stop shouldering the blame. It's not your fault that the Court is a wicked bunch."
Adrien shook his head. "If it wouldn't be for me, we wouldn't even be in this situation right now. She would be safe and would forever be ignorant towards the fae. Who else could be to blame?"
"Well, there would be Chloé, for one," Tikki said. "She's the one who is going to extensive lengths to make Marinette aware of the fair folk. This is in no way your fault and I'm willing to bet that she would have done it even if you weren't as close to Marinette as you are."
He wasn't sure if he should believe that.
"Moreover, Marinette is a Chime's Child, so eventually it was bound to happen."
At that, Tikki floated up from her perch and over to Marinette to stroke her hair.
"Chime's Child?" Adrien asked. He wasn't familiar with the term.
She nodded. "A child born after a Friday midnight but before dawn on a Saturday. They are blessed with second sight and healing abilities." The goddess smiled wryly. "In the past, when the Courts were younger than they are today, I had a chosen like that. She was very promising and her healing powers were the most incredible I have seen until that point in time. But she was overeager and held the transformations for too long. When some of my magic lingered inside of her, the fae started to notice her and she, in turn, started to notice them. It seemed harmless at first, since we were in the lands of a Seelie Court, but…something eventually happened."
Tikki shook her head as if to rid herself of the memory. "I lost her to the fae back then, so I swore to myself to never let something like this happen again." She sighed. "And Marinette is so much like her. I'm scared of what will happen once she finds out."
Adrien was stunned. Not only was this the longest conversation he had ever held with Tikki, but she was also offering insights on the so far only briefly mentioned incident where she had lost one of her chosen to the fair folk. Based on that, he could now understand why she had reacted the way she did when they had first met.
"Br—My past chosen didn't have anyone to protect her from the fae though," Tikki said and a small smile crawled back on her face as she looked at him. "Marinette has you, and I'll have to hope that this'll be enough to make a difference this time."
"I'm not sure how much I'm really helping," Adrien said quietly while his eyes fell on Marinette again.
"I swear to the cheese gods, if you start your 'this is my fault' tirade again I will turn that bell on your suit into a real one," Plagg said and only the thought alone made Adrien flinch.
Meanwhile, Tikki floated over to where he was sitting and picked up Marinette's bracelet from the chaise lounge.
"You are helping, Adrien," she said as she held it up for him to take. "And when the time comes, you're the best person to tell her the truth."
Adrien was silent for some time and just stared at the bracelet in his hand. So many charms, so many spells on them, so many memories. He certainly had built himself a twisted web over these past years and he wasn't sure how he'd safely get out of it again. The thought alone of telling Marinette the whole truth and let her remember it, spiked fear in him. She hated liars after all and he had done basically nothing else but lie to her ever since their very first meeting—whichever one counted, all of them were riddled with lies.
Another tear ran down his cheek and fell on the heart charm he had gifted her just earlier that day. Was he even worth loving at this point? He very much doubted it. Regardless of how her feelings towards him would turn out though, he'd always be there to protect her. That was the one thing he could do that felt right. Or so he had thought…
Was he protecting her by blocking her memories or had he just been a coward afraid of heartbreak? Maybe a little of both.
It took Adrien some more minutes to regain his composure and make the tears stop flowing. Just to be sure, he threw an even thicker glamour over himself to hide tear tracks and red eyes. There was no way to explain them, especially not since it was Valentine's Day and he should be the happiest person on earth. Yeah, wasn't that the real irony of this whole situation? He had been exactly that, but just like every other good thing that had ever happened to him, it had been torn away from him.
Adrien lay down next to Marinette with as much distance as the chaise lounge allowed. Even though he wanted to do nothing more than to cuddle her, it felt strangely wrong at this moment. He didn't deserve something that nice after what he had just done to her and the thought alone seemed downright criminal. She didn't remember, but he did and he'd do anything to atone for his sins. It still felt like the biggest betrayal, so that his mere presence felt like a lie. After all, he would have to pretend that everything was fine, that nothing out of the ordinary had happened. He had to pretend to be that cheerful and utterly in love Adrien he had been previously. While he was still very much in love, it now had an awful, bitter taste to it. A small inner voice even told him that he wasn't any better than all those other fae who manipulated those around them in their favour.
Despite all that, he had to do what would keep her safe. It was time to swallow his misery once more and to do what he always has done around her: play make-belief.
"I promise to always keep you safe," Adrien whispered and leaned forward to kiss Marinette's hair. Time for his sleeping beauty to wake up.