I go back and forth between loving and hating this chapter
XXX
Gisela tried to muffle her sobs as she curled up by the wall. Why did I do that.
All she had had to do was stay quiet and treat the funds for the search the way that Maca- the Guildmaster had been treating them. Just move on and suggest that maybe they cut money from the alcohol budget, which was also wildly inflated for the current consumption of drink, but no she had to open her big mouth and call the search an extra expense and say that they should move on.
She had basically implies that there bonds with their precious family were worthless. Or at least Gisela knew that she had come across that way, no matter what else she could say now.
Words, once said, couldn't be taken back.
Why.
Gisela pulled herself back together, forcing herself to breath.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
She would survive this. Fairy Tail was warm and nice and friendly and fun but she wasn't a member.
It wasn't the end of the world. She could travel again, she was good at traveling.
She could get her stuff from Mickey's house, which she had just moved into and had started to feel like home and safety and warm and-, and start traveling again.
She had probably paid her debt to an acceptable level. It would be okay. She would be okay.
Maybe she would go and visit Aki and Aiko, Laki had been talking about them and-
Gisela had messed things up with Fairy Tail. That meant that Laki would send news up and tell everyone up there that Gisela was rude and cruel and they wouldn't want her around anymore.
The pressure was back, squeezing her from all sides as Gisela heard herself hum, trying to drown out the noise inside her head.
They might not make me leave. She hadn't really said anything to Laki, they were still on pretty good terms when they were chatting in the guildhall in between missions and-
A new pang hit Gisela, she would lose that as well when she left. She would lose Laki and Chico and Jet and Droy and Kianna and everyone.
Mickey had always seemed so sad when Tomo was brought up. Now she would have another ghost to deal with.
I don't want to go.
Suddenly Gisela wanted to start giggling madly. All this time worrying about people trying to tie her down and now she decided to stay.
Now, now when all the odds were in her having to leave?
That just made everything worse.
But don't I already have a history of not knowing what I have until I lose it?
Pin pricks of pain dotted across her concuoisness as Gisela forced herself to unclench her hand and breath.
What's done is done.
I made my choice.
Nobody died.
She could hold onto that at least. Even through Gisela had failed again, failed to stay in the home she hadn't realized she was building nobody has died.
This was not the aftermath of the storm, broken trees and broken bodies.
Nobody was dead.
Not Mickey, not Nab, not, Max, not Jet and Droy, not Laki, not Kianna.
Not even the missing members. They would be back seven years after they disappeared and everyone in Fairy Tail would stop feeling so lost and broken.
Gisela would have nothing to do with that. There was nothing she needed to do there. There was nothing that she could do to hurry them or slow them.
There was not even any proof.
If it was something that she could have changed them maybe, maybe Gisela would have brought it up. Maybe she could have called in a rumor and been able to take them to where Fairy Tail was and proven that she was not useless, that she was not a failure.
But Fairy Tail would have searched Tenrou Island and Gisela had no doubt that she was weaker than one of the three great Fairy Tail magics.
There was nothing she could do. Nothing except get ready to start moving again.
At least I have some money. It was a positive thought.
It didn't help much. The world was still big and loud and Gisela could hear the sounds of Fairy Tail inside the guild hall and it was so cold outside and-
Breathe.
It was the most important skill, even if Mickey thought punching things was more important. Punching things was not more important because it was hard to punch things well if you had no control over your breath and movements so breathing was more important and-
Stay on topic. You need to plan.
It was easy to think that, hard to do.
"-ela".
Someone was looking for her.
"Gisela".
It was Mickey. Gisela resisted the urge to melt into the wall, not that my magic would allow me to do that because cloud magic wasn't great on the whole sinking through the floor thing, I really should have thought that through before ending up with cloud magic because that was just a bad idea and-
"Gisela".
Mickey was looking for her. Gisela strained and Mickey called out again. Mickey didn't sound mad.
She could just be hiding it. Gisela brushed that thought aside, Mickey was many things but good at hiding her emotions she was not.
Do I call back?
"Gisela". This time it was a shout. In the silence after Gisela could heat Pi-chan calling as well. They would find her, it was just a matter of if it was willing or not. Besides, if I don't call back then it will just get louder. That was not a good thing under any circumstances.
That would draw more attention, not less.
"I'm over here". Gisela sounded pretty steady.
At least she hoped she did.
She totally sounded steady, she was good at that.
Totally.
There was a rustling as Mickey hurtled over to her, rolling out of a somersault with her hands on her hips. "What are you doing out here? Macao said you freaked out and ran away. Well actually he said that you left quickly and didn't come back and abandoned him to budgeting but it's the same thing really, why did you abandon him?"she paused for a moment before adding, "not that I disapprove of course, everyone else has already abandoned him to budgeting, you were just the last nice person".
"I didn't mean too", Gisela muttered, pulling her knees closer to her chest.
Mickey sighed. It was a great heaving sigh and Gisela could just hear the this-is-going-to-be-complicated-isn't-it, as Mickey exhaled. That just made her feel worse. "Why don't you tell me what happened from your side?".
Gisela could do that. She could totally do that.
Totally.
"We were doing budgeting, finishing up final stuff for February and trying to figure out how to make ends meet", Gisela could see Mickey tenseing, did she know anything about her guilds finances?
Did she think that was why Gisela had run away? Because Fairy Tail was doomed.
That was bad. And false. She didn't want Mickey to worry.
It wasn't good, Gisela hastened to try and explain, "it's not bad, just more for the future based on what the guild has been bringing in the past few months because current expenditures and are not sustainable and", Gisela could she that she was loesing Mickey, "so we were looking and I suggested that you guys should spend less money on looking for the people you guys lost because at this point the search isn't going anywhere new and that money could really make a difference and-". Gisela forced her to pause for a second in the hopes that Mickey would react, that she would say something. Anything. Yell. Scream.
Mickey was silent.
That was bad. That was really bad.
"And I know it wasn't my place to say that and the Guildmaster seemed upset and I didn't mean to do that and I didn't want to say that you should give up on your friends or that they were never coming back but I know about holding on for too long and the way that it can mess you up and I don't want that to happen to Fairy Tail because this is a really nice place and it's hard to lose people and lonely and it sucks but I know you guys know that already and", she was rambling now, Gisela knew that she was rambling, that half of what she was saying didn't even make sense as she tried desperately to explain to Mickey that she hadn't meant any harm and that it had only been a suggestion and-
It was just hard to stop.
Mickey was still staring, face more stone-like than Gisela had ever seen her. This was not Mickey the demon princess, puncher of all things living or dead.
"I'm just sorry", Gisela finished in a small voice.
Suddenly she was being hugged, forced back against the stone wall, slowly warming from Gisela's body heat as Mickey murmured something.
"What?".
"I said' thank you','' Mickey said. If it hadn't been so confident than Gisela would have doubted her own ears.
"Why". It made no sense.
"Because you are right. Because we got used to always winning and always being able to keep our family together and win and come home and be happy if we just try hard enough and now we have just been in this limbo and you are right, it just hurts and none of us have wanted to admit that at least for now there is nothing that we can do for our family".
"But you can do something", Gisela said helplessly, trying to wipe the broken tone away somehow.
"What do you mean?".
"You keep the family going, they are going to come back, right?". Gisela knew that, she just needed to know if Mickey did.
"They are".
"Then we keep Fairy Tail going and trust them. We have done what we can to find them and now what we can do is keep going". Mickey just hugged her tighter.
"Macao isn't mad you at you, you know.''
"He isn't?". Gisela really didn't want to get her hopes up.
"I mean, he's kinda mad that you ditched him with budgets but that's a separate issue from you giving him advice", Mickey pulled back from the hug so Gisela was looking her in the eyes. "I mean, I think that he would throw a fit if you left, who else would do his boring paperwork with him".
"You really think that?". Her voice was so small and thin.
"I think you just said something that we need to hear. We are not going to give up on them but we need to move on, we need to live living", Mickey sighed again, "they would want that for us".
"Thank you".
She was crying again. Gisela just felt numb as her body sobbed, and she grabbed onto her friend, trying to be careful because Mickey's dress didn't cover her shoulders and she didn't want to be a mess.
I don't have to leave I didn't ruin things I don't have to leave I didn't ruin things I don't have to leave I didn't ruin things.
It was okay.
It was okay.
She could stay if she wanted too.
Somehow it was harder to stop crying when things were okay. When she was okay and could stay with the people she was coming to love and the place that was becoming more and more familiar and-
"Why would you have to leave?".
"What?", Gisela asked, forcing down the sobs so she could talk.
"You said you don't have to leave, why would you have to leave?".
"Because that what you do when you mess up", Gisela explained, savoring the relief as it coursed through her body because she was okay and she didn't have to leave this time, "when you mess up then you need to leave because I'm not a member and I know that everyone is making an extra effort for me and if I hurt people's feelings and mess up then it's my own fault and I don't want to be a bother".
It was simple.
"That's not how it works. We wouldn't make you leave just because you annoyed Macao, I annoy Macao all the time".
"It's not the same".
"Why is it not the same", Mickey challenged, pulling Gisela up.
"You're a member of Fairy Tail, besides you wouldn't fail like I do". It was simple.
Mickey huffed. "Punching you won't help".
Gisela blinked at the non sequitur, "punch me?". Her voice sounded annoyingly nasally from crying and her eyes were stinging.
Her nose was stuffed as well. It was gross.
"Punch you. You're being stupid and normally when people are stupid I can punch it out of them but I don't think I can punch this foolish out of you".
Gisela giggled wetly. "I think you're right about the punching but I'm not being foolish. I know what happens to people when they make mistakes". She had been once, but then the temple had come and gone and Mermaid Heel had come and gone and Kagura had come and gone.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
There was no saying for fool me thrice.
"Are to", Mickey retorted.
"Am not".
"Are to".
"Am not". I am not doing this.
"Are to".
"Am not".
"Are to".
"Am not".
"Are to".
It was such a silly idea, Gisela couldn't help but do it. "Are to".
"Am not".
It took approximately three seconds for Mickey to realize what she had said. The moment was glorious. The face was glorious.
Pi-chan was chirping in the background, adding to the cheer.
The giggles were reflexive and so similar to crying that they were different, Gisela just couldn't stop laughing, that was until she crossed her arms.
Is she mad?
"You know that's not the point,'' Mickey huffed, "now come on,'' Mickey said reaching out her hand like she wanted to snatch Gisela's arm and drag her.
"Why?".
"I'm gonna prove you wrong".
"I already proved you wrong", Gisela counted. She didn't need to get her hopes up again, been there, done that and learned her lessons when they came.
"No you didn't prove me wrong, you just bent my words".
"Did I". Gisela schooled her face blank and clear.
"Yes you did, now you are stalling which means that you think I could be right and not wanting to risk it".
"That is not what I'm doing".
"Then take my hand and prove me wrong".
"I already did".
"Now you are just deflecting me, you only talk back when you are hiding something else".
Is that true? Do I do that? It did kind of sound like something that she would do. "Fine". Mickey's hand was firm in Gisela's as she dragged Gisela around. "This is just the guildhall", Gisela pointed out, looking at the edifice of Fairy Tail.
Mickey huffed. "It's not just the guildhall, it's home. So lets go!", she cheered, smashing open the doors even more forcefully than usual.
Loudly as well.
Very loudly.
So loudly that everyone inside was staring at them, on edge like they always were before a brawl was about to start,
"Could Gisela be a member of Fairy Tail if she wanted to be?", Mickey shouted.
Now Gisela really wanted to hide, wanted to run. They would say no and Gisela would still be here living and working and having final confirmation that she was always a failure and annoying and-
"You mean she's not a member?", Vijeeter called out, "she's been here for months. Who said that you weren't".
It was like the floodgates had been opened.
Gisela listened, braced for the moment where someone would point out how useless she could be or how she always messed things up or was too much of a drifter or-
It never came.
Not when Mickey showered her inside as she almost tripped, or when Laki herded her up to the bar and Kianna grabbed her a glass of water without Gisela even having to ask because Kinana knew that Gisela had boring taste in drinks or when Chico came by to ask if Gisela wanted to do a job cleaning out the gutters of the Cathedral tomorrow or when Laki pulled up a chair nearby and asked if Gisela wanted to spar again the day after.
It never came.
Gisela knew she was crying. She had been crying rather a lot recently, it was something that she was extremely familiar with and wished that she could stop doing.
She still couldn't stop herself.
It was almost funny how awkward everyone around her got at the first sniffle, all leaning in and trying to hug her at once and bumping into each other and Gisela felt the start of three almost brawls but none of them escalated and Gisela could see how much they wanted to.
And suddenly she was laughing because of course Fairy Tail couldn't have a group hug without it turning into some kind fight but they were trying not to for her and Mickey was smirking the 'I told you so' smirk and Gisela really wanted to punch her because Mickey had said that this would happen and Gisela wanted Mickey to be right.
Wanted Fairy Tail to want her, wanted to be one of them.
Wanted to have a home.
But also really wanted to punch Mickey for being so smug.
So she did.
It was the only cue Fairy Tail ever needed to start a brawl.
There was no mercy once it started, not even for someone who had been breaking down moments before.
There never was.
Mercy was not a concept known to Fairy Tail Bar Brawls.
Five seconds after Gisela managed to catapult Mickey out of the door with a cloud fist, managing to successfully knock that face off, she was on her back, gasping from the return blow.
After that it was her and Mickey double teaming against Nab, each trying to get in blows while Pi-chan fluttered above them, proving that a small bird could have a painful peck.
After that they were separated, Gisela thought that she could see Mickey and Laki having it out in the corner but she was busy trying to weigh down Max's sand devil with her clouds and there was just so much motion.
"What's going on down here?". Gisela was pretty sure they all heard it but no one was stopping.
It wasn't like Macao hadn't seen these happen before. Gisela was more than one hundred percent sure that he had participated in it them as well.
She hesitated for a moment, unsure if she should stop.
She got a nasty sandrash from Max. "Giving up?", he shouted.
"Not on this life", Gisela retorted, following the guild's lead as they ignored the person who was, supposedly, in charge of them.
Gisela had magic in her veins and could call down clouds, wield them, command them. It still felt different from the energy that sparked as she moved.
When was the last time I felt so light?
She paid for that moment of distraction as Vijeeter snagged her into his pattern dance before Gisela was able to break the routine and sends him hurtling into a wall as she pulled to the outside of the fray, trying to figure out her next target.
Out of the corner of her eye Gisela could see Kianna grinning as she watched the chaos unfolding, light dancing in her eyes.
Did Kianna want to fight too? Gisela made a note to ask her later.
It was chaos and energy and Gisela wasn't afraid. She wasn't afraid.
She wasn't afraid.
Gisela couldn't remember the last time she hadn't been afraid.
Then a pie went flying.
It hit Macao right in the face.
Silence.
All that Gisela could hear was the slide of the chocolate mousse pie as it slide to the floor.
Oh dear.