Might go on break next week, will see how inspired I feel.
XXX
I am not going to be the second person to dramatically run out. I am not going to be the second person to dramatically run out.
Gisela chanted that mantra over and over, it was the only thing that kept her in one place as she stood, watching the other members of Fairy Tail talk.
Not brawl. Just talk.
Most guilds would be fighting now.
There was some pointing and looking at her but not much. "I'm sorry,'' she whispered, unsure of why it mattered.
This whole mess was her fault. A 'I'm sorry' would do nothing.
"What was that about?", Chico asked.
"What?".
"You said 'I'm sorry', why?".
It would have been easier to laugh it off. Gisela wanted too, she wanted to so badly.
She was already lying to Fairy Tail enough. No point in hiding it. "I think this whole mess is my fault".
"You're the one who brought up the lizardman in the room".
"I didn't mean too", Gisela tried to defend herself, feeling the force leave her voice as she spoke, "it was just a suggestion to help balance the next few months budget. Not this".
"You didn't make us vote".
"What?".
"Our votes. They were ours, right. There was no cheating?".
"Of course not!".
"That's what I thought. Then you can't take responsibility. More than half of us agree with you. That means that more than half of us wanted to say the same thing or agreed when it was said. We just didn't want to be the first".
"But".
Chico booped Gisela on the nose, "no buts. We are Fairy Tail and we make our own choices, we don't just decided to do what some random mage tells us too. Saying that we do that is more insulting than anything".
"Sorry".
"Just don't take responsibility for our choices. We made them ourselves, okay".
"Okay". Is it possible to feel both worse and better?
"Good. Now when are you taking the mark?".
"The mark?".
"Yeah. Two weeks ago you wanted to join but then we got distracted by this. Are you still going to?".
Did I? When Gisela looked back to two weeks ago her mind was just a blur of what am I doing, what am I doing, and stress.
There had been some joy through, before she had started the whole chaos by looking at budgets.
I had wanted to. "I'll think about it".
"You'd better".
Somehow that sounded vaguely threatening.
Chico wandered off after that, something about collecting a new spirit, Gisela didn't quite want to know. Chico's magic was awesome in combat, especially in melee- but the fact that Chico's magic used souls left Gisela a little unervered sometimes.
Maybe it was because Chico used souls, maybe it was because Gisela herself was an undead or reincarnated, whatever word sounded better, soul herself.
I can't take on all responsibility for this.
Chico was right, Fairy Tail was a group of people who did what they wanted to do, Gisela was not responsible for them in any way, shape or form. The only thing that she was responsible for was herself.
Not that I'm very good at that.
Gisela shoved that through aside as she continued to curl up in her alcove. These people can make their own choices.
That led to another thought.
What can I add?
Because if this wasn't her fault, if this wasn't because of her than would she only be a burden?
Maybe they had passed the vote without Gisela, there were plenty of other ways a Guild could get into trouble.
They probably were only being nice because she was such a mess.
Do I want to join?
It was tempting. Fairy Tail was free in a way that Gisela had loved in her past life and loved even more now that she saw it.
It was sadder than she thought, but that was because this wasn't a happy time in many ways for the members.
I would miss this.
She would even miss the brawls somehow.
Maybe I do have aggressive tendencies. It was a funny thought and Gisela felt herself smiling slightly.
"You look better,'' Mickey said as she sauntered back over.
"Did I ever look bad?".
"A little".
"True. Sorry about that".
"You want to head home now? Pi-chan looks like he is about to crash". It was true, the little bird had perched on Mickey's shoulder and had his head under one wing like he was already trying to fall asleep.
"Sure". Mickey called it home. And I agreed.
Gisela wasn't sure how she thought about that. The way back was silent and Gisela was grateful for that.
She needed time to think.
I didn't stay at Twilight Ogre. They welcomed me. Sort of.
She had gotten out of there as fast as she could. Then again, Gisela thought as she tried to sort out her feelings, Twilight Ogre tried to trap me.
They were good at it too, for a certain measure of the word good. Their grasp of what a Mage Guild could do in a town was impressive and they had every intention of exploiting every hidden cost.
It was worse for mages through.
Gisela remembered how everything had seemed to cost so much, fees for housing and food and 'courtesy'.
Then there were the plain passage fees as well.
They had sucked.
Maybe I should have fought more. Fairy Tail doesn't do anything like that at all in Magnolia, it can't quite be legal.
It wasn't a pleasant feeling, wondering if she had been scammed. If they had looked at her, saw that she was young, alone, or just saw that she wasn't part of a guild and thought, an easy mark.
Somehow it hurt worse to think that it had worked through. Gisela made a note to look into the laws that governed the interaction between Mage Guilds and the towns they lived in, Fairy Tail would probably have some volumes on that in the Guild Library.
And now I'm back to Fairy Tail. But it's the big question isn't it? Should I stay.
It was hard to be a mage in Fiore without a guild's protection. Gisela knew that she had been lucky so far.
She was even luckier now because she had taken a good few missions with Fairy Tail and that was money that could be going to a guild member going to her instead, not to mention the risk of her leaving and clients deciding that they would rather go with Gisela for services, lack of regulation or not.
Fairy Tail really is a kind place.
She couldn't help but think of what had just happened, about how the vote had been chaotic and loud and passionate but honest.
It's a good place. I would be lucky to be a member.
Mickey's house was in view now, it's silhouette faintly visible in the light of the moon. I would have been afraid of the forest at night Before.
I would have wondered what lurked in the woods.
Even in Caelum she might have spent the extra time looking for somewhere to stay. It was only when she had started to travel with Kagura that camping had been the way to go.
I've come along way.
"See'ya in the morning", Mickey slurred as she flapped her hand in what Gisela assumed was a wave.
"Night".
Opening the door to her room Gisela surveyed her stuff. Even after a few weeks of staying in one place there still wasn't much. It would be easy to pack her bag and go.
If I wanted to leave then now would be the time. I'm not a member yet.
The money was just an excuse at this point, she didn't have an overload but her funds were doing okay.
She didn't have a debt to Fairy Tail either, not at this point.
Fairy Tail never was about monetary debts, were they.
She sat on her bed- the bed. It wouldn't be her bed if she chose to leave. If she chose to go.
Where would I go?
That was another question.
I don't have an answer to that either.
Gisela buried her face in her pillow, it had stopped smelling like dust a few weeks ago, and resisted the urge to scream because Mickey was probably sleeping and Gisela did not want to wake her friend- especially if she was going to go.
She breathed, trying to figure out a way to detangle the chaotic mess of thoughts. I don't need to choose now, Gisela tried to tell herself, I could go later.
It rang false.
No matter what anyone said, no matter that Gisela didn't technically have a vote, she had just been involved in a major guild decision.
She had been the person who had first started the idea. That was a level of involvement that did not just come from sitting around and doing an occasional job that none of the guild members wanted to do.
That was an actual choice. Gisela needed to be in or she needed to be out. She couldn't sit on the fence any longer.
In or out.
In or out.
They had been willing to welcome her before, had said that she belonged.
I haven't messed this up yet.
It was an exhilarating feeling, like when she was dropping of a tower and hadn't caught herself yet. Those few moments in freefall when she hadn't been certain if she could catch herself and the ground was coming closer and closer. Those moments that were horrible and scary but exciting.
The feeling of the ground rushing closer, knowing that if she hit it it would hurt.
The hope that she could stop herself.
That sort of energy.
The type that had energy lancing through her veins, the same but different from the magic that she was starting to get too used to.
So far they had seemed to like her. Nobody had told her she needed to leave after the vote. They had just let her sit there.
Chico flashed through Gisela's head, hands on her hips and looking focused despite her choice in head gear. "Don't take credit for our choices".
Chico was right.
It wasn't just me who decided to end paying for the search.
But if Chico was right and it was not Gisela's fault then that wasn't a good test of what would happen if Gisela messed up.
What would I do if they told me to go. Could I leave?
It was an important question, still, Gisela was surprised at how quickly she found her answer.
I won't beg.
She had never begged before, not with Kagura and not with Caelum. She was a failure and obnoxious and couldn't do anything right but she had that much self respect.
I won't take pity.
It still didn't answer her question.
Except it kind of did. I keep thinking about what will happen if I stay. I haven't really thought at all about leaving.
I haven't been able to come up with any reasons to leave at all. At least, not any reasons that involve me not liking people here.
In a way that was an answer in and of itself.
She couldn't think of a reason to go. No one had told her to go.
I could stay here for awhile and it would be fine. It probably wouldn't be forever, something would happen or there would be some fight or giant mistake or something but she could stay.
She could stay and go on jobs with Mickey and Pi-chan and Chico and Laki and Max.
She could stay.
I want to stay.
Gisela sagged on her bed, looking up at the black ceiling above her. I wonder if they have glow in the dark stars in Magnolia?
I would if Mickey would let me put them up?
She had always wanted to have constellations on her ceiling. Gisela felt sleep tug her down, still thinking of the patterns she could put on the ceiling.
Gisela stumbled out of bed feeling more groggy than she had expected. It was sort of like when she pushed her magic to far, just with less pounding migraine and more general fuzz and she stumbled through pulling on her clothes and getting ready.
"You're still hear".
It hurt more than Gisela had expected it too. "Sorry?".
Was I supposed to have taken the hint and left in the middle of the night?
"Don't be. You just looked super flighty last night".
That would make sense. "Did I?".
"Yeah. I stayed up half the night waiting for you to run out so I could have my dramatic chase and drag scene but no", Mickey said, drawing out the no, "you decided to actually stay so now instead of being a good friend I am just sleep deprived".
"You stayed up to stop me".
"I wouldn't have forced you to stay, I just wanted to make sure you would look me in the face before you left", Mickey muttered, looking down at her feet.
Gisela let herself smile, "you are a sleep deprived good friend".
"You don't think I should have had more faith in you deciding to stay?".
"I didn't know myself. How could you know something I didn't know about myself".
"It's not that I didn't think you wanted to stay, I just know you get these thoughts in your head that everyone hates you and then you want to leave and it's silly and too much drama after yesterday's vote- another thing you are not responsible for and-".
Gisela raised her hands defensively steming the rant, "I heard that one from Chico last night". Another thought hit her, "do you think Romeo will be okay".
"He was super close to Natsu and the rest, he still has his dad though and Macao is actually a pretty good dad even if he can be a bit of a drunk so he hasn't lost everything. Natsu was just his hero".
"That sucks".
They were both quiet for a moment. "So where are you gonna put your mark".
"My mark?".
"Yeah. Your going to get a guild mark if you join. Don't be the fool who can't figure out where they want it and puts it somewhere silly like your butt".
"Your butt? Did that actually happen?".
"Do you really want to know?"
"Not really?". Maybe. Sort of.
Probably not.
It sounded like one of the stories that would make her wish for brain bleech.
"That's what I thought. So, thoughts? I'll tell you if it's silly".
"My face?". Stupid. Don't say that.
Mickey didn't seem bothered, "and that's why I asked. Keep thinking while we walk. Color is important to".
"Where's your guild mark", Gisela paused for a second as she realized how blunt that just was, "if it's not rude to ask. It's fine, you don't have to show me and-"
Mickey shifted, pointing out the grey sign on her thigh, "I don't think that's the right spot for you through,'' she said with a mischievous grin.
Gisela thought about it. Thought about having a mark on her thigh. Having to show other people that she had a mark on her thigh.
Nope.
Nope nope.
Nope nope nope.
Not happening.
She shook her head violently, trying to get the awful image out of her head. There was laughing. Mickey was laughing.
"It's not funny". Gisela muttered, feeling awkward.
Mickey took a breath and Gisela braced herself. "Sorry".
That was unexpected. Unaware that Mickey had just tiled Gisela's world on edge she kept going, "but now we know something. You need your mark to be somewhere that doesn't make your feel awkward. Your hand?".
That's Lucy's place. Gisela wasn't sure why she even remembered that useless fact. Lucy had had a guild mark in pink on her hand. "Doesn't feel right". Not when I am not mentioning what information I have about them.
Mickey sighed. "I don't think shoulder would be good, you like your outfit, right?".
It was cozy. Safe. "Yeah"
"Then that's another limitation, do you want your mark to be always visible?".
"I don't think so".
"That's a pro. So far we have not immediately visible, not on your hand, nothing that could be considered an inappropriate location. Sound right?".
"Yeah". It still didn't tell her where she was going to get her mark through.
"What about your shoulder?".
"Wouldn't work with my jacket. Maybe my wrists?", Gisela asked, pulling up her sleeve.
Mickey clapped, "that might work. What'd ya think, Pi-chan".
"Thats works, that works".
"Right, so left or right arm".
That was easy, Gisela almost wanted to cry from relief. "Left arm".
I am really doing this.
It was a funny sort of unreality as Gisela kept walking with Mickey. There was nothing on her arm but her jacket's sleeve.
It still burned.
I am really doing this.
Suddenly Mickey froze. "We forgot color!".
Oops. "Blue", Gisela spat out.
"What shade of blue, sky blue, sea blue, generic blue, Pi-chan blue".
"Green blue".
"You mean teal".
Gisela felt herself blush, "yeah, that".
"Well at least you were quick about it?".
"Thanks".
They got to Fairy Tail both too fast and too slow. The little girl, Mio, stormed up to them. "I'm fine with my smoke, right?".
Gisela felt frozen. She was in no way equipped to deal with this.
"Why are you asking, brat?".
"Because they keep making me practice with dad but my controls fine".
"You need to practice".
"No I don't".
"Yes you do".
Mio rolled her eyes to the heavens. "I am not doing this,'' she snapped as imperiously as a kid could and marched off.
"Mio", came the drawn out shout, "wait for me".
Gisela still felt frozen. There was an uncharacteristic scowl on Mickey's face.
Ask something! "Are you okay?". That was typically a good way to go, right?
The scowl melted off, "I'm fine. Now let's get your mark done".
I'm being brushed off. "Are you sure".
"Yes, I am. I'm fine", Mickey snapped, an echo of Mio earlier.
Nope. Not going there.
Gisela was about to open her mouth when Mickey spoke. "Sorry".
"It's okay. I didn't mean to upset you".
"It's not you. But let's not let that ruin this, you're getting your guild mark- you should be excited!".
"When did you get your mark".
"I joined when I was fifteen. It was great".
It was still quiet in the guildhall, a lot of the people who had been waiting on the vote had gone back to work, taking the jobs they had pushed off.
That will be us soon.
"Do we just head up?". Gisela knew the normal routine. The problem was that this was not normal.
All I have to do is not mess this up. I can do that.
"Yep. He will be doing paper work now, right?".
"Yeah, probably finalizing the budget now that the votes over".
"Sucks to be him, let's do this".
The stairs didn't creak on the way up. Somehow Gisela had expected them to. The door was the same as it always was.
She knocked.
It sounded the same as well. "Come in".
Macao, the guildmaster, looked mores snowed in with paperwork than normal. "Are you here to save me?", he asked pitifully.
Gisela actually felt kind of bad. There was a lump in her throat and Mickey and the Guildmaster were both looking at her and she had to asked and-
It was just getting worse.
Mickey wasn't saying anything.
"Is there a problem?", he was asking, concerned like it actually mattered that Gisela was upset and whatever it was was a problem that he wanted to help with and-
Nowhere to go but through. "Can I join Fairy Tail?", Gisela asked, trying to keep her voice level and smooth.
"Finally decided to ask".
"It is okay, right?". Not after all this, please not after all this.
"Of course it is, we told you before. Now where do you want your stamp".
"Left arm between my wrist and elbow, teal", Gisela rattled off.
Macao seemed oddly disappointed. "You're no fun".
Gisela could feel Mickey sticking out her tongue. "No fun, no fun", Pi-chan cheered.
He huffed. "Just give me a moment to find the stamp, we haven't used it for awhile and-".
Everyone else faded out.
This is my last chance to go. I could leave now. Go somewhere, anywhere.
It wasn't tempting, that was the thing. Gisela knew that she should want to go, to leave Magnolia while things were still good.
The only problem with that was that she didn't want to leave at all.
"-found it".
It was the stamp, plain and wooden. "Do you need ink?", Gisela asked, feeling foolish.
"Nope, it's a magic mark. You ready?".
"Yeah".
Hopefully.
It tingled slightly as Gisela felt the magic take hold on her arm. An odd feeling of dissociation took her over when she stared down.
That was her wrist. Her wrist with a Fairy Tail mark.
She was a member of Fairy Tail now.
A real life actual member.
What was she supposed to do with that?
XXX
It only took me 194,844 words to get here XD