THE PAST

Juan leaned back in the pillows they had put against the wall while they were watching an episode of South Park on Emilio's bed.

His thoughts weren't in it. His mom would come home within an hour and he planned to tell her that he wanted to live with Mateo, who would receive the key of his new apartment within a few days. Mateo didn't deem it necessary that he told his mom at all, telling him she would find out when he didn't come home anymore. June however insisted on telling her.

Things were still not how they used to be between them, even though the whole thing with Erik was a couple of weeks ago. Their intimacy didn't go much further than kissing and although he found it hard, he didn't want to insist. She needed time to forgive him and no matter how much time June would need, he would give it to her. That was also the reason he was listening to her advice instead of Mateo's; he was still afraid to lose June and he wanted to avoid another fight.

Actually she had wanted to come with him, but he hadn't wanted her to. This was something he needed to do himself. Without his brother and without June. He knew his mother well enough to know that she would use June's presence to make a point. She would probably accuse him again of doing abominating things with his brother and even though he knew June wouldn't believe her, these were words he never wanted to hear again – and he certainly didn't want June to hear them. He believed the conversation would have the best outcome if he talked to her alone. Furthermore he believed he could do this. He wanted to be able to do this – without the help of anyone else.

That however didn't take away his nervousness. His eyes slid aside, to Emilio's face. The boy was staring at the tv, although he didn't seem to see much more than Juan did. Usually he sensed that Juan was dreading something, but today he seemed to be a bit off too.

He nudged his friend's shoulder to drag him out of his thoughts, giving him a questioning look. "Where's your head at?"

Emilio glanced briefly at him, seemed to hesitate and ultimately turned his face away. Juan sat up straight. It didn't happen a lot that Emilio was bothered by something.

His friend heaved a deep sigh when Juan kept looking expectantly at him. "I kissed Jordy. A few days ago."

Juan raised his eyebrows, not knowing why that would still occupy his mind. It was something that had been coming for weeks.

"Okay..." he said at last. "And she said you sucked at it?"

Emilio's eyes flashed to his. "She told you that?"

He chuckled. "No man. I knew nothing about this. I guess June wanted you to be the one to tell me." He studied Emilio's face. "When did it happen?"

"You know what they tell about her, right? About her dad?"

Juan's mood darkened. It had been impossible to miss. He had never seen June as pissed as she was that day – not even when she learnt the truth about Erik. Beth spilling Jordy's secret had been unforgivable in her eyes. Emilio had stood up against Beth in the middle of the lunchroom, snapping at her that she shouldn't walk in her dead sister's footsteps by spreading lies because someone refused to be friends with a cunt like her.

Juan couldn't say he had been surprised by Emilio's outburst – he knew very well how fierce the boy could be when someone hurt his friends, and even though the relationship between Jordy and him was a little confusing now and then, he knew Emilio cared about her. That Emilio had been able to show it too, had been a positive development, he thought.

"Well.. The day before the whole school knew about her secret... Johnny and Bob were botherin' her. They'd trapped her against the lockers, telling all kinds of shit about her dad. It was fuckin' insane. I pulled them away from her, but their words had broken her..." Emilio bent his head, staring at the bedding. "I took her to my car, asked her if she wanted me to bring her home. She asked me if she could stay with me a little longer and I couldn't find the heart to tell her no... so I took her to my place. There she told me what had happened to her when she was a child." Emilio's jaw tensed. "I'm not sure what happened. She was afraid that boys were disgusted by her because she was abused and I... I told her it was not true, that she just had an awful taste for men... And then I kissed her."

Juan didn't respond immediately. It probably hadn't ended well, otherwise he would have heard this story that same night. There had been a tension between Jordy and Emilio the past days, but that was nothing new; it happened every few days.

"And then?" he insisted when Emilio kept silent.

Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "I was confused and I sent her away. She wasn't mad or somethin', but..." He sighed. "I just keep thinkin' about it." He leaned back and stared at the ceiling. "How did you know? That you were in love with June?"

"She was all I could think about," he answered. "I dunno. I just fell really fast and really hard for her," he continued with a grin.

"Well... I don't have that," he answered. "That I can't stop thinkin' about her. Half of time she's drivin' me crazy. But when I kissed her, I felt..." He closed his eyes, letting out a sarcastic laugh. "Fuck man. Listen to me, I sound like a bitch."

Juan said nothing. He knew this was new for his friend and that he hated to think about his feelings.

"I think that the fact that it's still bothering you is sayin' enough," he said eventually. "And that you like her more than you dare to admit to yourself because she ain't lookin' like a cheerleader."

"There's more," Emilio muttered. "I don't know if I want a girlfriend anyway. It causes so much shit."

"It's worth the trouble," Juan said. "June has been an amazing support. In a different way than Mateo and you. It's – it's hard to explain."

"I know what you mean," Emilio muttered to his surprise. "I see it when you two are together. But I can't imagine Jordy and me bein' like that."

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "You don't have to be like us. You are both different from us, so your relationship will be different too. And if things don't turn out like you hoped... you've at least tried it."

"But she's so..." Emilio heaved a deep sigh. "Different."

"You feel ashamed of her," Juan concluded. "But not for being her friend?"

"Being friends with her ain't the same as showin' the whole fucking school that I feel attracted to a girl like that."

Juan gave him a slight smirk. "So you do feel attracted to her. And not in a sexual way... So your feelings are anything but shallow."

Emilio pulled a face, then he got up from his bed. "Enough girl talk," he grunted. "I desperately need a smoke."

Juan closed the door quietly behind him and entered the living room. His mother was seated on the couch, the tv screen lighting up her face. Nervously he hooked his thumbs in his pockets, not knowing what else to do with his hands. She usually didn't appreciate being disturbed while watching tv. Her working hours were too irregular to keep up with tv shows, but once she was at home she gave it a shot anyway.

"Hey," he said softly.

His mother didn't even bother to look up.

Juan swallowed. He wasn't sure she heard his voice, but he was convinced she must have heard him come in. His throat tightened, it felt like all oxygen was drained from the room. Quickly he walked to his bedroom. Quietly he sat down on his bed. No matter how many times it had happened before, he could never get used to being ignored by his own mother. Pulling up his knees, he wrapped his arms around his legs, wishing June had been with him. He longed for her warm embrace, for her love that felt so undeserved.

For almost an hour he kept sitting like that, then he got up sighing, his aching muscles being proof of how cramped up he had been. The moment his feet landed on the floor the anxiety to be turned down returned.

"It will probably be the last time," he whispered to himself, trying to find courage. "Soon you won't be confronted with her disinterest anymore."

He took a few deep breaths, reminding himself as to why he hadn't wanted Mateo or June to join him, and then he opened the door.

For a moment he kept tarrying next to the couch, hoping she would look up. When she didn't, he cleared his throat.

"Can I umm – can I talk to you about something?"

The words left his mouth uneasily. He couldn't remember he had ever asked her that question before.

Finally she snapped her head aside, her eyes eyebrows reaching for the ceiling. "Don't you dare to tell me you knocked that girl up, Juan Carlos."

"W-what?" Juan stammered stunned. "No – no we haven't even slept together."

His mother huffed. "Smart girl."

There was a glance of aversion in her eyes, as if he was a horrible person for longing for an intimacy like that. As if he wasn't worth to be loved like that. His breathing fell heavier, but he fought off his mother's contempt.

"I wanna go with Mateo," he blurted out. So – that was it.

The contemptuous features of her face sharpened. "Don't be an idiot. You really want the whole world to know what an ungrateful brat you are? Everyone knows I'm working my ass off to keep you alive, what do you think people will say if that's turning out to be not good enough for you?"

Her words made him flinch. But they're not true, he told himself. Mateo pays half of the rent. He buys food.

"I'm not ungrateful," he said softly. "But Mateo told me there's a room for me too."

"And what do you think he wants in return?" his mother huffed.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing. I just... I just think he doesn't like to be alone."

"With all those little whores of him he won't spend a lot of time alone. Give him a few days and his house will look like a brothel. What do you think your girlfriend will think of that, hmm?"

Again he shrugged. He didn't want to tell her that June encouraged him to live with his brother because it gave him peace of mind. He felt insecure and scorned now, but he knew he would lose his temper if she said one hurtful thing about June.

His mother studied his face for a while, sighing deeply. Her expression became a little friendlier. "Why are you so keen on leaving, Juan Carlos? I know why you brother wants to take you away. It has always been his mission to tear us apart."

Juan sat down on the armrest of the couch. There was still a tension between them, but it was a different one than before. He had the feeling they were closer to a normal conversation than ever.

"Why do you want me to stay?" he asked. "You've told me many times you wished I was never born." His throat felt soar, tears were stinging in his eyes. Nevertheless, he pulled through. "I'm sixteen. And in all these years you never took the effort to have a talk with me. I know you hate me, and I know you hate Mateo, so why won't I leave? It's not like the neighbors believe that we're the perfect family; they all know the police and ambulance were at our door a while back."

"That's Mateo's fault, not yours."

"It's your fault!" he spat. "You said all those horrible things about us!"

"I'm only trying to protect you, Juan Carlos." She looked at him, exhausted. "His influence on you is toxic. You are so desperate for a little bit of attention that you're blind to his rotten soul and to the fact that he turns you into a copy of himself more and more."

"Well if you gave me a little bit of attention I never would have turned to my brother! It has always been Mateo who was there for me, who gave me advice, who comforted me, who protected me! He's more like a father than you're a mother and that is not his fault! If you hate children so much you should have used a fucking condom!"

She squeezed her eyes, an anger churning inside them that caused a shiver to run down his spine. "You have no idea what you're talking about, boy." Her voice sounded shaky. "You have no idea."

Her nostrils flared as she exhaled furiously. Another shiver rolled down his back. He had seen this before, every time she'd lashed out at his brother.

"Sorry," he whispered, something Mateo had never said to her, hoping it would calm her down.

Before he could provoke a real fight, he slipped off the couch and disappeared in his room. There he grabbed his stuff for the night. He didn't want to sleep here any longer, he would stay a few days with June until he could move. It felt like he had just given his mother a last chance to be actually a mother – and she clearly had no interest in it.

At least in being his mother.

Without saying anything he crossed the room five minutes later. In the hallway he grabbed his helmet of the hook, then he headed out, climbed his bike and drove to June's house.

His whole body was shaking when June let him in, giving him a comforting hug. There was no need for words, she sensed very well how the talk had been. Softly, her lips touched his, the look in her eyes worried.

"I'm okay," he whispered. "But I don't want to sleep under the same roof anymore."

Taking his hand, she led him to the living room. There he was greeted by Hannah, who offered him a sympathetic smile. June had probably told her what he had wanted to do tonight. He walked over to her, kissing her cheek. Her hand stroked his hair.

"Was it a difficult talk?" she asked softly.

As hard as it was to talk to his own mother, talking to Hannah always felt natural.

"She wasn't very understanding," he muttered. "She can't see why I want to live with my brother. Which doesn't surprise me, but still..." He bent his head. Deep inside, there had been this tiny hope that his mother would tell him that she loved him.

Hannah's fingers caressed his cheek. "Your mother sounds like a complicated woman, Juan. Someone who has issues with herself and takes it out on her children. I know how hard it must be, but try not to take it personal. You're a sweet boy, very helpful and I'm proud to call you my son in law. My daughter is lucky to have you."

June squeezed his hand, telling him she agreed with these words. His lips curled into a small smile.

Hannah's warm eyes held his glance. "I love you, dear Juan. I love you just as much as I love my own children."

Juan felt his chest glow, just like his cheeks. "I love you too, ma'me," he whispered. The knowledge that she wouldn't live long, tore out his heart. Sensing his pain like she always did, June wrapped her arm around his waist and held him tight.

"I am grateful for all the love and happiness you offer my daughter," Hannah continued. "Even if things don't always go smoothly. Soon it will be Thanksgiving, I would like to ask you to celebrate it with us."

"Oh..." Juan felt a blush creep to his cheeks. They never celebrated it at home, usually he went to Emilio's. "I would like that," he said quietly. For as much as he liked Emilio's family and as hard as they were trying to make him feel wanted, he knew he was only invited because they didn't celebrate it at home. But this... this was different. For June's family was also his family.

Hannah smiled at him. "And I would also like you to invite your brother. I would love to meet him."

These were words he hadn't seen coming. He doubted it was something Mateo wanted. He glanced over his shoulder, studying June's face. The look in her eyes told him she was also a little overwhelmed by her mother's request. Nevertheless she softly pressed her lips to his cheek.

"Ask him," she said in a soft tone. "I know how important he is to you and although he might never admit it, I believe nobody likes to be alone at Thanksgiving."

Juan turned around, pulling June close. His own family situation might be shitty, but God, he was so grateful for having June and her family.