What Really Happened – a riff on Mark Twain's Letters from Earth.
[6,000 years of longing seems like an impossibly long time to us humans, but we're not immortal. Perhaps our sense of time compares with that of supernatural being's as a house fly's does to ours? A century is about the equivalent of a month? In which case, Crowley and Aziraphale got it on after the equivalent of a 5-year romance.]
London. Crowley's Mayfair flat.
Aziraphale and Crowley are coming out of a session of Divine Ecstasy, sitting side by side atop Crowley's stone desk, which they had been pretending was the wall atop the Eastern Gate to the Garden of Eden.
Crowley, do you remember what really happened on the wall, back at the start of everything?
Sure. It left a persistent ache inside me until we discovered Divine Ecstasy.
Me too. And we didn't know why.
Aziraphale snaps his fingers, and a mirage appears. It's as if they're once again atop the stone wall of the Eastern Gate. Blue sky and hot sun overhead, bleached desert rolling off to the horizon. Crowley stretches out and lies on his back, nude, his wings stowed. Aziraphale stands as if he has just flown in, wearing his ancient robe and snowy wings, gazing down upon the demon.
Crawly! What. Are. You doing.
Basking. I'm a snake. Feels great – cold stone on the backside, warm sunlight on the front.
Aziraphale seats himself at the demon's feet, legs hanging over the edge of the wall.
You should try it, angel.
What?
Basking.
Crawly makes a slight gesture, and the angel's robes disappear. Aziraphale gasps in shock. He looks up and around, as if fearful someone might be watching.
Oh don't panic. They're all off at conferences somewhere. Haven't spotted anyone for days. Pull in your wings, you're making shade.
Aziraphale uneasily complies. Then after a few minutes he rolls his shoulders.
Mm. My word, this does feel nice.
Told you.
Crawly writhes and sits next to Aziraphale, but not touching. They sit companionably for a long while, soaking up the sun on their backs. Then Crawly murmurs:
Angel, you know this is a new incorporation for me. Can you explain why we have these appendages?
He gestures to his genitals, then gazes at Aziraphale's.
My shaft is twice as long as yours, but your balls are bigger. And your fuzz is pretty and light gold. Mine just sort of looks burnt. For obvious reasons, I suppose.
Do you know, I've never given it any thought? What these things are for. They're just there. We don't go about without robes very often. At all, actually. Out of sight, out of mind. Human were modeled on us, of course. For all I know, most angels look like Eve.
Leather armor is popular in Hell. At least, for the demons who can get it. Most of the lower ranks go around in rags. But you don't see body parts hanging out there, either. Although in Hell, that's just common sense.
These particular parts must work differently in material beings. We certainly don't use them to excrete liquid like humans do.
Or do that thing where Adam sticks his shaft inside Eve. Looks painful. She thrashes around and screams a fair bit every time he does it. Perhaps it's one of her punishments?
Doubtful. Pretty sure these body parts in humans have been repurposed for material reproduction. Eve swelled up and became what Michael told me is "pregnant with child" after Adam started sticking his shaft into her. She's making a new human. Very peculiar process, if you ask me.
Maybe it's another one of those ineffable schemes of The Almighty's.
Aziraphale turns to gaze at Crawly, who looks completely innocent.
Possibly.
Well, I think you're right about the reproduction thing. I know all the animals started doing it once they watched the humans. It's become a regular fad. And now the garden is full of small new creatures. Very tasty.
Crawly! You haven't been eating them?
Well, yes. They're crunchy and gooey and delicious.
Oh my lord.
You've never eaten anything?
Well . . . a bunch of fruit once. The ones called "grapes." Very sweet and juicy. I really liked them. Got a scolding from Gabriel, though. Told me I was polluting my celestial body with gross matter.
Where does stuff go after we eat something, do you know?
I don't know. It just seems to vanish back into firmament. Didn't feel as if I'd been polluted. Actually felt rather nice, in fact.
Makes me lazy if I eat a lot. Have to curl up and relax for a few days until it all disappears.
When you're a snake, you mean?
Yes. For some reason I don't feel much like eating when I'm in my human corporation. I like drinking cold water, though.
The two sit companionably in the sun for some more time. Then, Crawly looks thoughtful.
Aziraphale, do your feet hurt?
What an odd question, Crawly. No. I've never felt pain in my feet.
Mine ache a lot. Maybe because they're new to me.
I could massage them for you. I healed Eve's foot once when she stepped on some thorns. Lie back down and put your feet in my lap. We'll see if I can make them feel better.
Crawly is skeptical.
I'm still a demon, you know. Are you sure it won't hurt if you touch me? I don't want to be accidentally smitten.
Crawly leans away in apprehension as Aziraphale extends an index finger, quickly and gently taps the demon's thigh.
Did that smart?
No. Not a bit. Not even a spark.
Crawly writhes around until he's once again reclining on his back. Raises his legs and scoots a bit closer to the angel, slowly and cautiously lowers his feet into Aziraphale's lap. The angel begins to gently stroke the demon's feet and ankles, massaging each toe as if playing "This Little Piggy Went to Market." When he presses his thumbs against the demon's insteps, Crawly moans.
Oh! Did that hurt? I'm sorry, Crawly.
Aziraphale raises his hands as if from a hot stove.
No! It doesn't hurt. Feels great. Do it some more. Please.
And just then, Crawly stiffens. Writhes to his feet, flares his wings, and rockets off back into the garden like a diving falcon.
Incoming!
By the time a squadron of angels can be seen zooming in, Crawly has morphed back into a snake and is racing away through the underbrush. The angels fly overhead and land in a center meadow of the garden, with the exception of Michael, who lands alongside Aziraphale.
Aziraphale, just what do you think you are doing?
Um . . . Ba- . . . Uh, sun bathing. It feels good on my skin.
Michael sighs.
Get those wings and robe back on, Aziraphale. I'm sending you back up to Gabriel.
And that was the last time we were together until The Flood.
Let's go to the bedroom and stick our shafts inside each other some more.
They laugh, and run off hand in hand to the bedroom.