London, Soho. The Blind Pig. Uriel and The Twins are seated in a corner banquette with cocktails and duckfat chips.
Mmmmmm. So much better than tea, Uriel.
I thought about Oblix. But decided we'd be better off in a less exposed location. I've never been here before. It sounded like fun.
Let's stay and try everything on the menu.
Great idea. I'm in no rush to get back to Tadfield. Booked a hotel room for tonight.
The Twins look at one another.
So did we.
The Twins are silent for some moments under Uriel's questioning look. They each take a sip of cocktail. Then Dorri leans forward and whispers:
Do you remember the night cursed Beelzebub blew up the lobby?
How could I forget?
And discorporated Aida. For the second time in less than a month.
Yes. You were very upset. But then The Almighty reincorporated her promptly. A gift of grace.
Another silence as The Twins regard one another. Finally Dorri continues:
Do you remember how you shared some apples with us, and suggested we try an embrace without our robes?
Uriel smiles.
Did you actually do that?
Aida is looking uneasy.
Oh, Uriel! It was so awful! The Almighty had reincorporated me as a male. I felt so humiliated and embarrassed.
But then . . .
London. Main Office Building of Heaven & Hell. The Twins have just re-entered their office after meeting Uriel in the destroyed lobby.
Oh, Aida! Thank The Almighty for reincorporating you. I was so fearful. Let's try that hug Uriel suggested.
Aida steps quickly away and turns her back as Dorri snaps her fingers and their robes vanish.
No! Dorri, please!
Aida shoulders are hunched, hands clutched between her legs.
Aida! It's me, Dorri. There's no need to be shy.
Dorri approaches and puts an arm around Aida's shoulders. Looks down and see what Aida is trying to conceal.
Oh dear lord. You're male.
Aida's hands cover her face.
I couldn't bear to tell you. Why has The Almighty punished me so? I did nothing wrong.
Aida is crying.
Aida. You can switch, you know.
Do I dare? If The Almighty wanted me to be female, she would have reincorporated me thus.
We don't know that. She is ineffable. We should not be so presumptuous as to second guess her intentions.
Aida looks apprehensive. Gazes in the direction of Gabriel's suite by the Portal to The Presence. Then switches to female. Nothing terrible happens. No rumble of distant thunder. Overall she looks pretty much the same with female trim – a beautiful Central Asian - only a bit shorter and less chiseled. Dorri embraces her in a loving hug.
Then something very surprising happens.
Back in The Blind Pig.
It was hours later when we came out of it.
Our intercom was flashing lights like a casino slot machine.
How do you know what a slot machine looks like?
We've been to Monte Carlo.
Their waiter approaches and they order various snacks. And another round of different cocktails.
Uriel, how did you learn about this . . . phenomenon?
From the Angel Aziraphale. It is what he and his demon Crowley have been doing. He says it lasts for hours. Just as you experienced.
No! We are not committing lust like Aziraphale and Crowley!
Neither is Aziraphale. I can't speak for that devious snake Crowley, of course. But it is does appear that the two actually do love one another. They walk about Tadfield hand in hand and are openly affectionate. But the important thing is, they have discovered that naked body contact causes the effect you experienced. They call it Divine Ecstasy. They have a theory that it only happens if there is mutual love.
So you tested out their theory on us?
Well, yes. You are renowned lovers.
Dorri and Aida laugh.
We can't really be ungrateful to you for tricking us into such a wonderful experience, now can we?
Do you think it is the same as what humans experience when they lust and mate? We have been worrying about that. Human sex is so messy.
I don't know. The bliss humans experience - they call it "orgasm" - is only momentary. They do not experience such delight for hours. And they seem to have sex anytime, anywhere. Love often isn't present at all. At least, judging by some of the awful things they do.
The Twins roll their eyes and grimace.
That's true. Although, to be fair, they are of course animals, and must reproduce.
But Divine Ecstasy must require body contact similar to human sex. There was a scandal in Tadfield this summer when Aziraphale and Crowley were observed . . . doing something like what you two did.
They were naked?
Not totally naked. Just caressing and kissing one another other and lying together with their middle body sections unclothed. The Tadfield humans certainly adjudged the pair to be having sex. Humans would know all about that.
Maybe orgasm is how humans are rewarded for the indignity of having to behave as animals? But Divine Ecstasy is the reward for expressing love with celestial bodies?
And apparently demonic bodies as well.
Hm. Aziraphale and Crowley are both males. They can experience sex without sticking their body parts into one another?
You and Dorri didn't go sticking body parts into each other, I'm guessing.
Well, not quite.
Dorri nearly spews her drink. Aida continues:
It is very strange how no one in Heaven even whispers about angels doing naked touching. As if it's some sort of low behavior that only humans do when they're in lust. Beyond even imagining for us with celestial bodies. Dorri and I do love one another. If we had known about Divine Ecstasy before . . .
The three sit in silent thought, sipping their cocktails. After some time, Dorrie muses:
Aida, you remember what Aziraphale said when Gabriel interrogated him before turning him into a statue?
That was so awful.
What happened, exactly?
Gabriel accused Aziraphale of . . . Dorri, how did he phrase it?
Something like allowing Crowley to slake his demonic lust upon Aziraphale's celestial body.
And Aziraphale denied that it was lust. Declared that they love one another.
Do you remember the look that came over his face when he said that?
Yes. Beatific. Almost as if he was illuminated with happiness. I was shocked when Gabriel slapped him.
Gabriel slapped him?
Yes. In the face.
Oh dear lord. He actually assaulted a subordinate?
I am ashamed now that we did not intervene. I think our only excuse is that we were so astonished that such a thing had happened. We were stunned
But Aziraphale was very brave. He called Gabriel a fool.
Yes! I remember exactly what he said. [Aida assumes an indignant body posture, as if imitating Aziraphale] "You may be the Archangel fucking Gabriel, but you're a fool."
Uriel nearly spews her sip of cocktail.
But things got really strange, Uriel, just before Gabriel turned Aziraphale into a statue. He destroyed Aziraphale's clothing. As if being naked was a punishment. I have never seen an angel disrobed before.
Come to think of it, I don't think any of us has.
They exchange looks. A long silence all around the table. Then Uriel whispers:
Lucifer and Beelzebub were lovers, weren't they.
A very long silence. Cocktails are drained.
Let's have another round. We haven't tried everything yet.
Waiter summoned and refreshments delivered, the three continue their discussion. Uriel murmurs:
Gabriel got quite a spanking from The Almighty for his behavior, didn't he.
Yes indeed.
You didn't actually see his statue, did you, Uriel?
No. What did it look like?
Dorri pulls out her phone, flicks through various screens, hands it to Uriel.
Oh my. It's actually rather beautiful. But I can see why it wasn't placed in the Tadfield church. Tadfield is not a modern congregation.
She returns Dorri's phone. More cocktail sips.
Make one wonder exactly what accursed Beelzebub did to torment Gabriel, doesn't it.
Significant glances exchanged all around.
Uriel gets out her phone.
Did you see the pictures of what was left of the Tadfield parish hall after accursed Beelzebub destroyed it?
Just the article in the paper.
I'll message them to you. For the files. Is Gabriel still walking around barefoot?
Oh yes. He receives visitors at his desk now. So they can't see his feet. But everyone knows.
He deserves every bit of it. Tormenting poor Aziraphale. Shaming one of our own before the legions of Hell.
Taunting accursed Beelzebub and letting her destroy the lobby.
What a fool, to so badly underestimate her power and wickedness.
Have the rest of your staff been reincorporated yet?
Yes. Finally. We're only beginning to catch up with the department backlog.
That prick Quartermaster has been whining about security breaches on the phone system. Demands to know what we've been doing, why the new phones he requested haven't been delivered, yadda yadda yadda . . .
As if a thousand new phones can just be set up in a day.
Not to mention refurbishing the old ones.
Will I be getting a new phone?
Doubtful. Do you need one? Yours doesn't seem to get much use in Tadfield.
You can track usage?
Calls made, location, pictures, messages - it all goes into a giant data hopper.
Now that our earth observation system won't work over England and half the surrounding countries, we must rely on the phones for compliance checks for that part of the globe.
What do you mean, the observation system won't work?
It's as if a giant luminous cloud is over the area. We can't penetrate it. Images just turn out white.
We suspect the effect is connected with the young Antichrist, Adam Young. You see him frequently, do you not?
Yes. He behaves no differently than an ordinary human teenager. Certainly doesn't emit light. You know, one of the reasons I suggested this place was because I feared we would be observed if we met at Oblix. My being in Gabriel's doghouse and all. Didn't think it would be a good idea for you to be seen with me.
Well, we won't be seen by the observation system, not anymore. Chance observation by a passing angel could happen, though. This place is perfect.
But if our phones show where we are, aren't you worried about meeting me and staying in a hotel instead of your office?
The location tracking can be turned off.
Really? Will you show me how?
Not advisable. It's for your safety, you know. Demons are everywhere.
Tell me about it. I'm stuck in Tadfield with the demon Crowley infesting the place. Not to mention accursed Beelzebub showing up torment Gabriel and destroy the parish hall
The twins look at one another. Dorri glances around the room as if making sure no one is paying attention to them. Whispers:
Gabriel thinks he's assigned you to Tadfield as a punishment. A low-level post. Having to endure humans. How he thinks the presence of the young Antichrist is insignificant, I do not understand.
But Michael thinks differently.
The twins nod silently.
You are an experienced Earth angel, Uriel. Ordinarily your skills would not be wasted on a small village such as Tadfield.
Nor would Ammun be stationed in London to assist you.
Uriel summons the waiter and they order yet another round of cocktails and snacks. Their waiter by now has recognized them as a live bunch and surpasses even the usual swift service. They've all ordered the "Dream Jar." Aida takes a sip and delicately smacks her lips.
Heaven! This is sublime.
Now what were we discussing. Oh yes. Ammun. He doesn't seem to move out of London much. Do you encounter him frequently?
Yes. We meet up to compare notes. His latest observation is why I've asked to meet with you. He has seen the archdemon Daji. He was having a new jacket fitted at that Savile Row shop we patronize. Daji, the demon Crowley, and Crowley's demon assistant walked in.
No! Why did he not report this to us directly?
He asked me to confer with Aziraphale first to see what he knows. When I called Aziraphale, he told me he was just about to contact me. Told me that Crowley had called to say that Daji was in London. Aziraphale says he had a bad run-in with Daji in 14th century China. That we should alert you and Throne Xuanwu.
Aziraphale betrayed a confidence of Crowley's?
Oh no. That's the remarkable thing. Aziraphale says Crowley asked him to tell me about DaJi. Crowley couldn't call me himself. Evidently Hell tracks phones, too. And the accursed Beelzebub would likely torture him to extinction if he were he to show up at the Main Office to tattle to the Heavenly Host.
Let me get this straight. Demon Crowley ratted out a fellow demon?
Even worse. He's been assigned to work with her. Says she is cruel and treacherous. Doesn't want her within a hundred miles of Aziraphale. Is plotting to send her back to China.
That's rich. A demon calling another demon cruel. And it sounds as if Crowley could give Daji some lessons in treachery.
Or his love for Aziraphale trumps his fear of Hell. I think we have been underestimating that particular demon for a long time.
Dorri looks concerned.
Uriel. Don't be deceived by that little snake Crowley's wiles. He is quite dangerous. Surely you recall how he discorporated us. You must coordinate more closely with Ammun. He had quite a bit of experience dealing with Crowley back in the day.
Aida whispers:
And Crowley's friend, the dread Jinni Anubis.
Dorri gets out her phone. Places a call.
Ammun? Good of you to answer for a change and not send me to voicemail. . . . We are with Uriel. She has told us about the archdemon Daji. We thank and commend you . . . Uriel tells us she is staying overnight in London. Please meet with her while she is in the city to coordinate your activities to track Daji. . . . Very good. Tomorrow we will send down a surveillance team to assist you. . . . No? . . . Are you quite sure? . . . Angel Hekla is not in danger? . . . So be it. Should anything go amiss, you know who will be blamed. Consider yourself warned. . . . Uriel will call you to tell you where she is staying. That is all. Good evening.
Dorri disconnects and puts her phone back in her jacket pocket.
He refused the surveillance team because he says there are already disposable demons all over the place. Doesn't want to alert Hell that we're onto them by having a squad of surveillance angels turn up.
Aida murmurs:
He doesn't think Hekla is in danger?
Who is Hekla?
Angel Hekla is the receptionist at the tailor's where Ammun spotted Daji.
Why did Hekla not alert us?
Ammun told her he would. Said she was scared stiff when the three demons walked in. Oddly, he thinks Crowley has Daji on a tight leash.
You'd think it would be just the opposite.
Indeed. Most interesting.
The three angels sit thoughtfully as they consume their cocktails. Dorri brightens.
Let's all order that "Dirty" burger on the menu. Sounds positively decadent.