"They float in mid-room for hours."
Hell. In a long-forgotten crypt in Pandemonium is a dusty bier, its occupant overgrown with a hideous organic growth. It resembles an ancient stump that has sprouted countless thousands of suckers, rootlets, and tendrils writhing downward, completely covering the floor in a chaotic thing has only a vague mound of what might have once been a face.
Eyes that have been close for millennia open. They have no irises or pupils. Only a spectral green glow. They stare sightlessly at the ceiling of the crypt.
Hell. Beelzebub's office.
Beelzebub flies through the massive portal, alights atop her ebony executive desk. Assumes the lotus position. A human and the angel Aziraphale have evidently conspired to assassinate demons and rescue the angel Hekla. Where was Crowley? He had to have been present. Where was his disposable demon surveillance team? . . . Must let her mind explore the implications and potential avenues of action. She sits in meditation for hours. Then rises for the appearance of the London disposable demons at the appointed time.
London. Eric and Hekla have come out of their Divine Ecstasy and are cuddling together atop the puffy duvet. DeeDee has been waiting patiently outside the door, Beelzebub's summons trumping the command to watch Demon Crowley. She peeps through the wood, sees the pair on the bed, and enters the room.
Eric! Check your messages! Beelzebub has summoned us. We have less than an hour before we must appear.
Eric and Hekla sit up. Eric slumps with his face in his hands.
Eric! What is it?
Beelzebub is going to torment and discorporate us, Hekla.
DeeDee protests.
Maybe not, Eric. She let Tadfield DeeDee go.
DeeDee, we rescued an angel and killed 5 demons. Our punishment will be horrible. The centipedes . . .
Eric shudders convulsively. Hekla throws her arms around him and hugs him to her.
Eric! Don't go.
Nobody disobeys Beelzebub, Hekla. Ever.
The angel looks to DeeDee, who silently shakes her head.
What can we do?
Nothing. We must report.
I will come with you.
Hekla! You cannot enter Hell.
I will wait in the lobby of the Main Office.
DeeDee already has her phone her hand.
I'll alert the Tadfield me and the two Erics there. Our cohort in Hell will inform them what happens. I'll tell them to call you. Give me your number. I'll give you theirs.
The demon destroyed my phone.
Then just wait. If we do not return in an hour, we are done for.
Won't you be reincorporated eventually?
It will be a very long time. And we will not be allowed to return to Earth.
DeeDee regards the stricken angel.
I am sorry, Angel Hekla. We must go now. We cannot be late. Get dressed.
Eric and Hekla rise and stand alongside the bed. The demon flicks his hand over himself and is surprised when, instead of his grimy disposable demon rags, his nice London garb reappears– black cashmere sweater, charcoal quilted jacket, black skinny jeans, Docs. Hekla morphs back into female, snaps her fingers and appears in a pale lemon yellow double-breasted bespoke suit with white Prada Chelsea boots. Eric looks down, changes his footgear to black Prada boots like Hekla's. He and the angel hold hands as the three somberly depart for the main office building.
Hell. Beelzebub's office. Eric and DeeDee stand before the 5-meter carved ebony portal to Beelzebub's office, flanked by the six praetorian guards who escorted them from the base of the down escalator. The heat haze shimmering in the portal ceases and they are allowed to enter. Beelzebub is rocked back in her luxurious executive chair, feet on her mammoth desk as if she's relaxing in a pool alongside a giant floating raft. The two disposable demons kowtow and lie prostrate on the floor.
Sit. Tell me what you know about the destruction of five demons in London last night.
Eric and DeeDee sit on their heels. DeeDee's hand creeps over and grasps Eric's. She speaks first.
Lord. Demon Daji made a date with Angel Hekla last night. Eric followed them. He called me to tell me that Demon Daji was going to cut up the angel.
He invited you to watch?
Eric speaks.
No, Lord. I wanted to stop Demon Daji from tormenting Angel Hekla. I called my partner (he nods slightly to DeeDee) to summon Demon Crowley.
Did he come?
Yes, Lord. With a human and the Angel Aziraphale. The human had a weapon that sprayed Holy Water. She extinguished Demon Daji and Demon Shiroishii. Then two centipede demons arose through the floor. The human extinguished one. The angel Aziraphale discorporated the other with his flaming sword. Then we all ran from the building.
Demon Xyzgrx is also missing.
The floor of the room we were in was flooded with Holy Water. We heard a scream as we fled. It must have been him.
So. You two and Demon Crowley assisted an angel and a human to rescue an angel. Destroyed four demons with Holy Water. Discorporated another.
Yes, Lord.
DeeDee and Eric are now huddling close together in terror, expecting imminent torture ahead, and lots of it.
Beelzebub lets them stew in silence for a long moment. Then:
What did you do next?
Lord. I and Eric and the angel Hekla entered the human's car. She drove us to a house. Eric and Hekla stayed there. Then she drove me back to continue surveilling Demon Crowley. He and the angel spent hours drinking in a tavern. Then they walked back to Demon Crowley's dwelling. I followed them and waited there.
Beelzebub is not sidetracked, despite the image of Crowley and Aziraphale roistering nearly causing her to leave burn marks in the leather chair arms beneath her hands.
Eric. What did you and Hekla do?
L-lord. W-we . . . I . . . I think we had sex together.
You think?
L-lord. I have never done that before.
What happened? Tell me exactly.
L-lord. We were naked. Demon Daji had burned my clothes and removed Hekla's. We hugged. I had an erection. Hekla became male. She had an erection, too. When our penises touched . . .
Eric struggles with his strangled voice. But he's unable to prevent the wistful happiness that washes over his face.
You became ecstatic.
Lord, is that what it's called? It lasted for hours. Not like human sex.
Do you love the angel Hekla?
If the room were not already like an oven, heat waves would be shimmering off Eric. DeeDee cringes and closes her eyes. Here it comes.
Y-yes, Lord.
Suddenly, as if giant hands have grasped each of the disposable demons by their collars, they rise like limp puppets. Then stand rigidly at attention, like wilted leaves that have suddenly achieved turgor. Their eyes glow uranium green. Beelzebub quickly lowers her feet, rises from her chair and stands erect behind her desk.
Prince Legion.
Prince Beelzebub. Harm not my minions.
Furthest thing from my mind, Legion. They have performed a service for me. I am sending them back up to London.
The two immanences of Legion give Beelzebub a long silent stare. Then:
I, as you, have been faithful to Lord Lucifer from the beginning. Do not cross me, Beelzebub.
The green eyes fade, and the two disposable demons slump to the floor like rag dolls. Beelzebub flicks a finger, giving them a little zap to speed up their revival.
You will return to London.
She walks over to a massive drum. Picks up a giant stick and with a violent swing of her arm beats the drum only once. A thunderous echoing boom resounds throughout the farthest corners of Hell.
Disposable Demons London Platoon. Report to my office.
There is no need to add, "at once."
It's been over two years since the drum sounded. Demons drop their work and stand silent. The damned regard one another with questioning looks. From various corners the London Platoon trickles like blood through capillaries, into veinlets, then veins. . . They all have earbuds and are listening to their phones. As they begin to group together, they start to chant and dance march to MIC Drop, doing an impressive version of the BTS moves. Phalanxes of other disposable demons ensure that the crowds in the dingy corridors part to make way for platoon members, using mop handles to prod the occasional recalcitrant.
Beelzebub addresses Eric and DeeDee.
Meet your platoon in the corridor. Lead them to Demon Crowley.
She suspends the portal's demon fryer. The two demons scramble to their feet, bow low and back out.
Heaven & Hell building lobby. Two bored security angels stand upright at the top of the up escalator. A lone angel from Housekeeping languidly sweeps a corner at the back. An infernal racket erupts from the down escalator as a platoon emerges of about fifty demons clad in black hoodies, tees, trainers, and a variety of hats, headbands, and beanies. They go into formation, a handsome young male demon with fuzzy bunny horns and a teenage female demon with a mop of tight curls leading them in performing a sort of haka, chanting something that sounds like "Did you see my bag?"
Did you see my bag
Did you see my bag
트로피들로백이가득해
How you think bout that
How you think bout that
Hater들은벌써학을떼
이미황금빛황금빛나의성공
I'm so firin' firin' 성화봉송
너는황급히황급히도망숑숑
How you dare
How you dare
How you dare . . .
Random gouts of blue flame and sulfurous smoke erupt as the demons continue their chant. Heat roils through the lobby and up the escalator. The two security angels stand open-mouthed for a brief moment, then speak into their mouthpieces and move close, blocking the top of the escalator. They draw their flaming swords. More angels glide up, just in time to see the housekeeper below transform into an elegant woman in a yellow suit and white boots, white wings flared and upright. She stands like a commander and gravely confronts the performers. But her sword is not drawn.
The lone angel who speaks Korean struggles to force her way through the crowd to reach the security guards, gestures with alarm as she speaks.
Go down! They will abduct her as a trophy!
Too late. The demon platoon gives a final fist pump and cheer, then with an explosion of flame they turn and spill out the exit like buckshot, slipping like shadowy wraiths into the streets of London. The two lead demons bow and stride up to either side of the angel, each taking one of her hands. The two demons sprout black wings, and the trio zooms like falcons out the exit before angelic security even thinks about stopping them.
[Steve Aoki's remix has the best choreography]