Desire
Rin was peacefully watching TV, some random culinary show, those that you watch because you're not really interested on, you just want to pass the time. When Nagisa came in it was clear to Rin that something was wrong.
- No Matt, you ruined the trust I had in you! - she shouted at the phone and Rin followed her with her eyes – Forgive you? Are you fucking kidding? Go to hell!
Obviously, the cellphone was not the one to blame for all that commotion, but he ended up as collateral damage as she thrown it on the wall, and it fell out in pieces.
- I'm definitely NOT buying you a new phone – Rin said.
- I d-don't w-want it…
Nagisa couldn't finish that sentence, the only thing she could do was sit on the floor and burst into tears. In a way, the tears were washing away her sadness, but her mom couldn't help feeling sorry for her little baby. Rin walked to her, sat down on the floor and hugged her tight. At first nothing was said, Nagisa just needed that small gesture of love to calm her down. She took a deep breath and finally felt like she could talk again.
- I still can't believe he could do that to me. If a person loves another, it won't cheat his lover.
Suddenly Rin starts to laugh.
- What? – asked Nagisa – you don't believe that?
- Oh honey, if life was as simple as that, the world would be a better place. Love and desire are such complicated things, it's not all that black and white, and I talk from experience.
- WHAT? What do you mean?
- You see…
After the dance the atmosphere between me and Tomoya was weird. Not a bad weird, just weird. It was the first time that I liked a boy and actually had an opportunity of becoming someone's girlfriend. Tomoya was looking and talking to me differently, it was all so new and exciting. Now that our feelings were revealed, at least his feelings, all that I craved for was… a kiss. A kiss like those in the movies, sunset at the beach, where the whole world would disappear and would be only the two of us, and some Peter Frampton playing in the back. Ok, it was so unreal and yet I wanted to be perfect.
- Jesus is freezing out here! – I complained while we were walking towards the tree house.
- Yeah…
- What's with you today To-chan?
- What do you mean?
- You're acting different, distracted, I don't know.
- What? Me? No.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'am not.
And that was followed by a lot more of "yes, you are", "no, I'm not".
- Why do you always behave like this Rin?
- Like what?
- Asking me all these questions.
- I don't do that.
- You do! And also demands an answer, sometimes I just don't wanna answer.
- But...
- Look – he sighed – I'm only nervous.
- About what? – I was confused.
- I just want to do this.
He got close to me, hold my waist gently and pulled me even closer. It's true that there was no beach or Peter Frampton, but to me it was as perfect as it could be.
You must take in account that no action between two people should be planned, it only needs to be desired, and boy how I desired that kiss.
After the first many other kisses happened, we were almost like addicts with a new drug, and if you think about it love can be like a drug. And I was addicted, dependent of that love that I felt for Tomoya.
At home the only thing I could think of was the times we were together, the kisses, the way he touched me, the looks, everything made me think of him. At school we would walk holding hands and it felt amazing.
The school year was about to finish, and I still couldn't believe how fast time has passed. We were together as a couple and the summer vacations were just around the corner. How exciting to have my boyfriend and time to enjoy it. One afternoon Tomoya and I were "watching" a movie at the tree house.
- Hey idiot – Tomoya poked me.
- What annoying? – I smiled.
- I think I'm gonna suspend at school.
- Yeah, sure – I said ironically.
- I mean it.
- Oh – I tried to think of something nice to say – I'm sure everything will turn out just fine, you'll see, you just worry too much.
- I sure hope so, I really wanna enjoy these vacations with you, all the plans we made.
- Like the water park? – I smiled and rested my head in his chest.
- Yeah, and go to my aunt's house and to that farm we talked about, remember?
- I do… - he could tell by my sad face that something was off.
- Why do you seem to be upset?
- Well, actually, my mom really wants us to visit my grandma in the US.
- Why haven't you told me that?
- I tried, I swear I did, but I knew you would be so upset about it and we made so many plans, but – I raised my index finger – but there's no reason to be sad about it, I'm only staying one month there, we'll have another two to make all our plans come true.
- Ok then – he sighed - it's your grandma Rin, you can't say no to that.
- Really? Please don't be angry at me.
- That's impossible Rin.
- Thank yoooou – I kissed him – you are awesome.
- I know – he laughed and smiled to me, that smiled that I loved so much.
- Are you guys talking about great grandma Nani?
- Yes baby, may she rest in peace.
- I wish I've met her.
- She was wonderful, and she made me so happy on those vacations. It was some really good vacations.
- I can only imagine mom – Nagisa looked at Rin slyly.
- Silly, let me continue.
Leaving Tomoya in Japan was killing me inside, but I had to. On my departure I cried so much, and he could tell that I didn't wanna go.
- I promise I'll call everyday – I hugged him as strong as I could and allowed the tears to fall.
- Don't cry you silly, I'll wait anxious for your call – he wiped my tears and smiled as if everything would be ok.
- You got it – I sobbed and smiled at the same time.
- Come on baby, we are gonna lose the flight – shouted my mom.
- Alright! – I answered, gave him a fast kiss and ran away behind her.
I got inside the car and buried my face on my jacket, the tears seemed to have a life of their own, because I sure couldn't control them. The only thing good in my head about that trip was the fact that Kagome was coming with us. Her mom had a business trip and let her travel with us so we could that care of her.
- Don't cry Rin-chan, he'll still be here when we get back.
- You're right Ka-chan, I'm being dramatic – I tried to smile.
The flight was too long and too tiresome, I was extremely exhausted, but Kagome was more excited than ever for being in America. When we arrived at my grandma's house it was afternoon.
- Naniii!
- Oh honey! – she hugged me so tight that I was almost suffocating.
- How are you? – she asked looking at the three of us.
- We are great mom – she smiled and kissed my grandma on the cheek - I brought the girls to see you and I still think you should go back to Japan for once.
- What are you talking about? I belong here silly, but come on in girls, don't be shy.
- If you say so mom – she sighed – where can we put the bags?
- Oh my god, the luggage. You can put it upstairs; I'll prepare something for us to eat and you can tell me all about the flight.
The scene was just like a soap opera, four women gossiping around the table. Of course, my grandma and my mom were chatting about adult stuff, therefore Kagome and I felt a little bit like outsiders, and we decided it would be way more fun to see our rooms.
- Mom, we are going upstairs to check our rooms, ok?
- Sure baby.
We bet who could get there first and ran to the rooms.
- I won! – I shouted while trying to recover my breath.
- Liar!
While we teased each other and tried to recover our breaths we heard a door opening. Both of us couldn't move and suddenly these two boys come out of the room, both with long white hairs. The taller boy looked a bit over seventeen, but the most impressive feature he had was his eyes, they were amber and so hypnotizing, like someone could really get lost on those eyes, he had a serious face on. The younger one looked our age, around fifteen, but (unlike his what we figured was his brother) he looked stressed, also with amber eyes.
- Hi? – I asked confused.
- Hi – the taller boy answered.
- Who are you?
- I could ask you the same.
- This is MY grandma's house.
- Oh, you must be Rin Nakamura then.
- That's not fair, you know who I am and my name, and I don't know nothing about you.
- I'm Sesshoumaru.
- Feh, and I'm Inuyasha – he looked at Kagome and then looked away.
- This is Kagome Higurashi – I said pointing to my friend – What are you guys doing here?
- My dad just passed away and left us here so Nani-sensei could take care of us. Didn't she tell you?
- Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that – I couldn't hide my sad face – my dad also passed away. She didn't say anything.
- Feh, like we care – Inuyasha said.
- That's it! That's it!
- Yeah, that's when I've met your father.
- But how did Tomoya influenced you to meet him then?
- I forgot to tell you, when my mom said we would go to my grandma's house I cried and refused to go, I said I wouldn't leave Tomoya on his own, but he was so understanding when I talked to him that I decided to go, otherwise I would never have met you dad.
- Oh, I see, go on then, I wanna know more.
Inuyasha left and got into one of the many doors of that hallway.
- That idiot is just stressed, don't mind him – explained Sesshoumaru.
- Is he your brother?
- Argh, half-brother – he answered angrily.
My grandma came upstairs to find us all looking at each other not understanding a thing of what was happening there and decided it was time to explain the situation.
- I see you've met Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha – she said looking at us girls - the boys just lost their dad, Inutaisho, I owned him a favor for all the help he gave me in the past and so now I'm taking care of them. They live here with me and are currently also in summer vacation.
- How old are they? – I asked.
- Sesshoumaru is seventeen and Inuyasha is fifteen like you girls.
- I see.
Sesshoumaru wouldn't look at us, he was lost in his own thoughts looking to the garden.
- Inutaisho was a great entrepreneur, and after Sesshoumaru's mother died he got married again to a beautiful woman and had Inuyasha. When she died in a car accident, he was never the same.
Sesshoumaru seemed very angry with the conversation and just walked away, it was clear that the half-brothers had a complicated relationship and on top of that the death of their father.
After my grandma explained the whole situation I asked if we were excused, so Kagome and I went to her room.
- My god, what an afternoon.
- Yeah, but have you seen how cute that Inuyasha is? – Kagome's eyes were sparkling.
- Don't be naughty Kagome – we laughed.
- I'm not being naughty, ok? What about you?
- What about me?
- You haven't even called Tomoya yet. Maybe you're thinking about Sesshoumaru.
- OH SHIT!
I ran to the phone on my room and dialed the several numbers to call abroad, as soon as he picked up the phone, I missed him more than ever. We talked for over an hour and I told him everything about Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha and the flight. When I hang up, I went to the porch and looked at the garden, the flowers were beautiful and so well taken care.
- Was that your boyfriend on the phone?
I jumped with scare and looked to the balcony beside mine and there he was, beautifully looking at me.
- Sesshoumaru! You scared the crap out of me. Yes, it was my boyfriend. Were you spying on me? – I asked mad at him.
- Haha, sorry – he opened a tiny slyly smile – do you call that a relationship?
- Stay out of my business, do you have girlfriend by the way?
- No.
- See? Talking about me but you're the one on the shelf.
- On the shelf? I don't owe you any explanations, brat.
- What? – I was incredulous that he said that to me.
- Immature – he teased me, not only with insults, but his eyes also teased me, making me desire him.
- You're an idiot, I hope you stay on the shelf for a long time, ok? Argh – I got out of the porch and into my room. I was furious, how could he affect me so much?
- Why are you so angry? – Kagome asked while she got into my room.
- Sesshoumaru that idiot, he was overhearing my conversation and had the nerve to criticize my boyfriend.
- Jesus, you're really shaken about this. Maybe there's more to this story that you're not telling me.
- What? No! – I snorted – don't say nonsense things Kagome, I love Tomoya.
- I never said you didn't.
- I'm just reassuring you.
- Who are you trying to convince? Me or… you? – she laughed.
- You're the one to talk, with that huge crush you have on Inuyasha.
- Nonsense, I don't even know him – she said with a pitch voice, almost sounded honest – I'm going to bed.
She ran out of my room bothered by our conversation, but I preferred that way, I also had a lot of things to think about. It was dark outside when I threw myself on my bed and looked at the celling thinking about… Tomoya. How I wish he could be there with me, just to give me a big hug and tell me everything would be ok.
- You know, it´s dangerous to sleep with the porch door open.
- Yeah, I see. Arrogant stupid creatures can come in – I looked at him, angry.
- Hm – he looked at me – are you sad about your little boyfriend?
- Why are you stalking me? Get out of my porch.
- Ok – he came inside the room and sat down on a chair close to the door.
- Get out of my room!
- You said to get out of your porch, make up your mind woman.
- Argh, just go to your room and leave me alone, will ya?
- Sure – he slowly left and a tiny part of me wished he had stayed.
Desire. My favorite word, desire is that growing will inside of someone, that you crave for. You chase after desire; you worship desire. And I realized that in a way I desired Sesshoumaru, of course physically he was handsome, but he also had this mysterious aurea, like he was broken inside, and I could be the one to fix him. It was wrong and unfaithful but desiring him was not cheating.
On the middle of the night he haunted me, I woke up scared, breathing heavily, I looked at the clock beside my bed, 4:00 AM. I had dreamt about him, an intriguing and sexy dream, so weird… was that my first erotic dream?
After that I couldn't sleep, too many thoughts were passing through my head and there was also a tiny fear of going back to sleep and finish that dream. So, I walked to the porch, sat down on a stool with a blanket and lost myself on those thoughts, looking at the garden, until I unconsciously fell of sleep.
I woke up scared again, looked around and I was in my bed… how did I end up there? Looked t the clock again, 10:00 AM. The sun was shining and illuminating my room and there was a post it glued to my forehead.
- "Don't be and idiot, you could freeze outside, brat" – damn, how I hated him.
- I think dad was driving you insane, wasn't him?
- Oh honey, you have no idea.
- What are you two talking about me? – that majestic figure came in and looked at them – and why the heck are you two on the floor?
- I'm telling her about that summer we spent on Nani's-sensei house.
- Oh – he cracked a slyly smile – I have to go; I'll be back in a couple of hours. Don't lie to her that much Rin.
- Don't be a party pooper – she laughed.
- Go on mom – Nagisa insisted.
- Ok.
That morning when I went to the kitchen, I wasn't hungry, I walked by the breakfast table, just grabbed some crackers and went straight to the garden. Out there I sat down on a swing and just stood there, alone for a while.
- Why are you hiding from us Rin-chan? – asked Kagome as she approached me.
- I'm not hiding, I just miss Tomoya so much.
- I know, but you can't do that to your grandma, I mean, you've came here to see her, right?
- Yeah… you're right.
My head was a mess. I missed Tomoya so much, but couldn't stop thinking about that dream, about how Sesshoumaru made me feel when I was around him. I tried to lift my spirit and decided to have breakfast with everybody.
The days were passing by rapidly and I couldn't wait to go home and end this temptation. In my head, if Sesshoumaru was always teasing me and after me it meant he wanted as much as I did… right? I don't know, the mess in my head was huge, on one side my beloved Tomoya, on the other a Greek god, so mysterious.
One morning I woke up to a beautiful day, the sun was way up in the sky and it felt so warm and cozy. I got up and had put my bikini on, today nothing was gonna ruin my day. I couldn't hide my excitement; I ran to Kagome's room and obligated her to come to the pool with me.
- So… tell me everything! How are things with Inusyaha? – I asked getting into the pool.
- I can't stand him anymore! We must go back – she answered trying to hide her feelings.
- Why?
- He is a complete idiot – she rolled her eyes.
- Oh, and that's why you are all in love with him? – I teased and laughed.
- Just me huh? I see the way you look at Sesshoumaru, honey you can't hide anything from me.
- What are you talking about? – that question got out way more suspicious than I intended to.
Before I could even correct myself or try to convince Kagome that she was tripping, something interrupted my line of thinking. Looking ahead I froze, and Kagome was not stupid, she realized and looked up and there he was, wearing just a pair of shorts and with a towel on his shoulders. His body was no regular teenage body, it was perfectly shaped, not gym shaped, just… perfect. He saw that the both of us were starring and smiled with satisfaction.
- You better close your mouth Rin, you're drooling – Kagome whispered, teasing me.
- Shut up Kagome.
- Hi brat, Hello Kagome.
- Get lost Sesshoumaru – I answered aggressively.
He jumped into the pool and I couldn't concentrate no more. I tried hard to keep my eyes of him and mind my own business, but he was enjoying every second of that torture. Kagome was feeling like the third wheel on that situation and decided she had to go.
- You know what? I just remembered that I have to talk to Inuyasha about something – she said running out of the pool and getting inside the house.
"Damn Kagome", I thought, leaving me to the lions. To avoid confrontation, I kept my distance and avoid eye contact. After a while of silence, he finally spoke.
- Why you're running away from me? – he said with a smile, he was loving it.
- Me? You wish.
- It's what looks like. Are you afraid of me? – he asked and started to get closer.
- Afraid? Of you? You should do stand ups, you're so funny – I laughed falsely.
- So that means – he got even closer now, and my legs started to shake a bit – that you are not afraid of me, even when you should be?
- W-why should I? – I felt that he was too close, and I started to go backwards until I hit the edge of the pool.
- Well, I could be very dangerous to that boyfriend of yours – his face was so close to mine at this point, that I could hear his breathing. He caged me with his arms, resting them on the edge of the pool. His look was full of malice.
- Get out of me – I pushed him – Go swim Sesshoumaru and leave me alone.
- What? Didn't you said you were not scared? – he came behind me and whispered in my ears – what are you so afraid of after all?
- Certainly not of you – I decided it would be best to just get away from him, I tried to get off the pool when he held my waist and got me back in, he lifted my head holding gently my chin.
- I believe you – he wouldn't take his eyes of mine – I think you're afraid of yourself.
He kissed me. My legs were shaking, and my head was spinning, it was so dangerous and so forbidden that it made it all more and more exciting. I felt like the time had stopped and that I could die, because my brain suddenly forgot how to breath. There was no other place that I would rather be right now and that was scaring.
- Wow, I've got goosebumps.
- Oh, I know – Rin smiled slyly and Nagisa laughed - Don't look at me like that, your father was very… naughty.
- Mom! Come on, grouse.
- I'm just saying.
They both laughed and laid down on the floor.
- But mom, what about Tomoya?
- I felt so guilty, but…
Passion. It's not love, but it's led by desire, it's an overwhelming feeling, a consuming feeling, where on the other hand love is stable, passion is the instability of desire.
I loved Tomoya, but I desired Sesshoumaru.
- Oh my god, I can't believe you kissed him – Kagome was shocked.
- He, HE kissed me – I buried my head on a pillow – what should I do Ka-chan? I love Tomoya, but I may have a crush on Sesshoumaru.
- I have no idea what you should do, that's insane.
- Why?
- Because Tomoya loves you, and you're risking all that for an adventure with Sesshoumaru.
- I know! Do you think I'm not feeling guilty enough?
- Sorry, but you need to stay away from him and tell him to back off.
- I wil…
- But… tell me something first.
- What?
- How was it? Was it good? – she had a goofy smile on her face, and I couldn't help but to blush.
- Oh my god – I hided my face behind the pillow – no other kiss made me feel like this before, so good and so safe, I lose focus when I'm around him, the world seems to vanish. Why he had to be such a good kisser?
- Better than Tomoya? – she teased me.
- Hm… You know what? I should go to bed, it's late.
- Oh come on Rin, don't run away from me, tell me!
- Good night Kagome! – I said already leaving her room.
My bedroom was pitch dark, I threw myself on the bed and kept looking to the celling.
- Why these things only happen to me? – I said to myself.
- What things?
- Shit! – I jumped out of bed – what on earth are you doing here? Get out of my room and stop jumping into my porch.
He just smiled and sat on my bed, that slyly smile that gave me goosebumps every time I saw it.
- Look Sesshoumaru – I sighed - we should talk.
- Mom, you cheated Tomoya with dad.
- And I loved Tomoya honey, that´s why I tell you that love it´s not that simple, desire can sometimes trick us into making mistakes, but that kiss didn't make me love Tomoya less.
- You are gonna leave him for dad, right?
- Well…
- I'm home – shouted the man of the house from the front door.
- You got back early – Nagisa said.
- Yeah, I bought us some tickets to the movies, do you guys wanna come?
- Sure – Rin kissed him.
- But mom, what about Tomoya and the story?
- Another time my dear – Rin kissed Nagisa's forehead and headed upstairs to get ready.