Five: Comfort

Searching for peace after his visit with Marinette, an unexpected loss shifts Chat's perspective, opening the door for change and setting up an awkward meeting between Adrien and Ladybug.

Knowing for sure now that Marinette was leaving had left me paradoxically more unsettled than before. Enough that I decided I needed some semblance of home - or what passed for it, in my case. Fortunately, I knew the mansion was empty that weekend; as a courtesy, Nathalie had continued to text me my father's itinerary, despite my not having set foot in Agreste Manor since starting University. I'd long assumed she'd hoped I would reconcile with Father, though for what reasons, I was never really sure.

Well past midnight, I landed on the wrought iron fence ringing the mansion and took it in; save for a few small lights on the exterior, the bulk loomed at me in darkness - or what passed for darkness in my night vision. Still, out of an abundance of caution, I slowly skulked around the edifice, training all of my feline senses on it to ensure I'd be quite alone. At length, I climbed up the rear wall and crawled across the gable roof to an attic dormer that faced away from the street.

Carefully, I slid a claw around the glazing on the window, freeing the pane of glass; holding it, I slid through opening I'd created, setting the pane against the interior wall. I'd pulled this particular stunt once before as a younger Chat, though in that case, the groundskeeper had assumed a bird had taken out the window. I hadn't quite decided how to mask my efforts this time, but also knew that tossing the pane back out to shatter in the garden below might not be the best option.

As rewarding, perhaps, as that might have been.

Turning, I saw the space hadn't changed at all; it was bare save for a smart stack of boxes in under one eave. Father wasn't one for keeping anything not relevant to the moment, so in many ways the space wasn't truly needed. What was surprising, however, was the level of dust in the space; as I crept across to the accessway to the floor below, I was mindful that I was leaving cat-prints in my wake.

Dropping to my knees, I pulled open the door to the attic, sensing the change in air quality as I did so. Eschewing the ladder, I dropped to the third-floor mezzanine ringing the massive atrium of the mansion. Save for the streetlight illumination coming through the tall windows on the first floor, the space was dark, filled only with the gentle tick-tock from the grandfather clock behind the staircase. Keeping to my crouch, I skulked on all fours across the tile and down the steps to the lower level below where the Family Portrait had once stood. I paused there, looking up; Father had replaced the image of the two of us with an abstract work that defied explanation. Shaking my mane, I leapt toward one of the two doors to my old room and threw it open, rolling in and landing in the center of the space.

It wasn't mine any longer, to be sure; unlike the attic, Father had been busy here, erasing any trace of his teenage son. Instead of the bedroom I'd been expecting, I found a design studio, replete with patten dummies and fabric tables; gone were my bed, foosball table and video games; leaping upward, I discovered all of my music CDs and movies had been removed. Leaping to the railing, I perched, tail twitching, and surveyed the now antiseptic-feeling space.

I'd been looking for creature comforts to soothe my soul; this, then, had clearly been a bad choice.

If anything, it was mute confirmation that I was not who I once was; nor, it seemed, was it possible to return to it, either. Growing meant moving forward, though as I looked around what was once my sanctuary, it seemed unexpected changes would appear along the way.

My mouth quirked, for it some ways, it felt a bit appropriate. First Ladybug, and now my father; both had pushed me to the side when I'd not conformed as desired, hadn't they? Perhaps that was a harsh assessment, but given how my conversation had gone with Marinette, it felt honest.

I had no issue with her deciding to depart Paris, truly I didn't. If she loved Luka as she said she did, I couldn't blame her for conceivably putting her own dreams on hold to make those of her significant other a reality. It was the very definition of love, or, I thought as I smiled wryly, the definition I adhered to myself. For I had long known I would do anything Ladybug had asked of me - all in the name of my love for her.

My masked eyes went to the floor-to-ceiling window I had once used to escape this space. Even when I'd considered it a sanctuary, I'd often wanted to flee it, hadn't I? More nights than not, I'd transformed and roamed Paris, leaving my worries behind, at least for a little while. With a shock, I wondered: was it possible Marinette was doing the same thing?

Rolling off the railing, I landed on my feet (like a good cat), and walked to the window; the faint light from outside allowed a partial reflection of my masked visage to stare back at me, and I could see the wheels turning behind those feline eyes. At the end of the day, Marinette was overwhelmed, wasn't she? Had the responsibilities of being the Guardian worn her down enough that running away from it all was the easy, logical answer?

Or…

Or…

Or... was it possible she was running from something else?

Our conversation from months ago appeared in my brain, the one where'd I'd been rather incredulous about her not recognizing all of the advances I'd been making had been pure - that I'd been totally in love with her and not just flirting.

That's not entirely fair, Chat, she'd said. There were bigger issues! How could I say anything?

I sank to my cat crouch in something of a daze. I'd been so angry at the time, I'd heard what she'd said, but not listened to what she'd really been saying. I now knew her true reasons for leaving Paris, what little comfort it was.

For leaving me.

Holy catnip. She… she might actually…

I shook my head harshly, feeling my out-of-control mane shift as I did so. "No," I said to the space. "She doesn't love me - she can't love me! She loves Luka. She's leaving with Luka, for Kwami's sake."

And yet… I could now see how the pieces could line up in that direction.

She's still hung up on you, Luka had said. He thought Marinette was referring to Adrien, which made sense given his reluctance to have me hang out with her. But he was wrong.

Marinette was in love with Chat.

Ladybug was in love with Chat.

I sagged against the wall below the window. With Ladybug's sense of professionalism, she assumed that meant she'd not be able to perform her duties appropriately if she had feelings for her partner and/or acted upon them. It made perfect sense that she'd have therefore done everything possible to prevent it from happening, including ignoring the signs that we were falling for each other. Luka wasn't her consolation prize - that wasn't fair to either of them; I was sure their feelings for each other were genuine.

Leaving Paris was her way of making sure she wouldn't hurt either of us.

"Milady," I said, closing my eyes as I banged my head against the window. "What have you done?"

Armed with my new understanding of where things stood, I leaned on the side of a brick chimney atop my dorm just ahead of when I was to meet Ladybug. I'd spent most of the day trying to decide whether I should appear as Chat and blow my cover finally, or play this out as Adrien to get a fuller sense of Ladybug's dilemma. Plagg had convinced me to hold off on revealing myself after I'd explained everything to him, so there I was, the very essence of a Gabriel magazine ad, waiting for the (former?) love of my life to appear. In a nod to our past together, I'd even scrounged around my dresser to find the last half ounce of that terrible cologne Father had made me the face of; I knew Marinette had once loved the fragrance, and wondered what her reaction would be this evening should she pick up the hints of it.

I had made one departure, though; I'd dropped in unexpectedly on my stylist that afternoon, and surprised him by finally relenting to his suggestion that I change it up a bit. I'd been careful to cross check with Plagg in advance that my normal Chat style would appear afterward; not entirely trusting my kwami, I proved it to myself in the mirror just a bit ahead of meeting Ladybug.

True to form, Ladybug was a full fifteen minutes late. I'd assumed as much and had prepared with a thermal mug of coffee, which I was sipping as she dropped down in front of me. "I'm so sorry," she apologized. "Traffic was-"

Trying not to be irritated, I cut her off nonetheless. "Rough, I'm sure," I chuckled.

Ladybug had the good grace to flush slightly. "Thanks for waiting." I caught her staring at my new style: short on the sides with a fashionable flop on the top, bangs and all. "You… what happened to your hair…?" she trailed off, a look of pain crossing her face.

I tried not to smile. "It was time for a change. For letting go of things that aren't important any longer. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Uh, yeah," she said, unable to tear her eyes away from what I'd done.

"You made it sound urgent," I reminded her, trying and failing not to put too fine a point on it.

Snapping out of her distraction, she looked at me directly. "It is."

I waited, slowly sipping my coffee.

Snapping her yo-yo to her waist she started pacing the small space. "For reasons you won't be able to understand, I'm going to be leaving Paris."

"Leaving?" I said, trying to sound shocked, though I was a little annoyed she didn't think Adrien could handle - in general terms, mind you - her thinking behind her decision. Talk about assuming the blonde stereotype.

"Yes," she said, keeping her back to me. "I'm coming to the end of my time as Ladybug."

"Wait," I said. "You're giving up being Ladybug? Why?"

"I'm not coming back." She turned toward me. "Someone else will take my place. So in a sense, Ladybug won't leave. It just won't be this Ladybug."

"That seems… sudden."

"I've been considering it for a few months, now," she said.

Ah-hah.

"Really? But why tell me? I'd assume Chat Noir would be the first person on your list."

"I've already talked to him," she said. "But I needed to talk to you personally."

"I don't understand," I said, though I thought I actually did. I kept my bemused expression going. "Ladybug, I'm flattered, but aside from you saving me from time to time-"

"Before I leave Paris, I need you to know why," she interrupted. "Why I was always there to save you."

I blinked. "What?"

"I… used to love you."

"Love me?" I faltered, wondering where she was going. "Used to?"

"You had no way of knowing of course, though I tried in my own way to let you know." She frowned as she turned away from me. "Frankly, you ignored me completely."

I blinked again.

Luka really had been wide of the mark; not only was Marinette over Adrien, she'd found the courage (albeit behind the mask of Ladybug) to finally tell me how she'd felt. How I had made her feel. Knowing what her feelings were for Chat didn't take away the sting.

Wondering how to salvage this, I tried for humor.

"Ladybug… I honestly had no idea," I started before realizing I was parroting what she, herself, had said to Chat a few months ago. Still, I plowed on, hiding behind a Model Smile. "I mean, I would have noticed a bug-themed superhero hanging out at the mansion or appearing when I least expected you…"

I trailed off, trying to keep my face pleasantly impassive, for I knew both of those actions had been exactly what Chat had done with Marinette.

A wry smile played at Ladybug's lips. "I would never be that obvious," she said. "I fear I am far more subtle than my partner when it comes to relationships."

Ouch.

And yet, that told me she had been paying attention to my advances as Chat, despite her protests to the contrary. The shock of determining I'd been right must have appeared on my face, for it gave Ladybug a momentary pause.

Taking a deep breath, she continued a bit more quietly. "Since I am leaving, I feel comfortable telling you this: my alter ego went to school with you. And... you ignored her totally."

I could feel my fur rising. "That can't be true," I said, though there was a kernel of truth there. I'd overlooked Marinette in my pursuit of Ladybug; now I knew exactly how she'd felt about it. The irony was I'd been in love with her all along, wrapped in the second irony that, short of revealing my identity to her, there was no practical way of explaining what had happened.

Above all of that, though, I found myself a bit bitter she'd decided to unload that little emotional bombshell as she exited Paris. Especially as I felt her view on what had transpired between us was lopsided at best; unintentionally, perhaps, and due entirely to the stupid love square we seemed to be doomed to remain stuck inside. Nevertheless, it was out of character for her, somewhat beneath her, and a tad cruel.

"I wouldn't have intentionally hurt you," I said. "I'm sure it was just mixed signals…"

"Maybe it was. Who knows now? But I've since come to terms with it."

I knew my jaw had dropped open. I'd expected something else entirely; more than anything, I'd assumed she'd wanted to offer me the Bug Miraculous, to be her replacement when she left. That was more in line with the Ladybug I knew; I'd even prepared a bit of a speech to thank her for her consideration but courteously decline (without coming out and telling her I was Chat).

I'd not been prepared for sanctimonious righteousness.

"This… this is what you wanted to talk to me about?" I said, my voice tight.

"Yes," she said. "And to tell you I've forgiven you."

"Forgiven… me?" I stared at her, and the final vestiges of civility began to crumble. "That's very… magnanimous of you," I said, unable to stop myself.

Her masked eyes widened a bit, but she refrained from saying anything to inflame me further. "Well," she said after a moment. "Thanks for making time for me."

I stared at her. "Are you… are you bloody serious?"

She blinked. "I don't-"

"You haul me all the way up here to accuse me of, what, exactly? Ignoring your advances?"

"It's not quite like that-"

"It's exactly like that," I said, trying and failing to keep the steam from coming out of my ears. "Love doesn't work that way, Ladybug," I added quietly. "You don't get to be the angry one when your love goes unrequited."

Believe me, I thought. I should know.

"Adrien-"

"Whether it comforts you it not, I wish you well, Ladybug," I said icily. "In whatever pursuits you venture forward with."

Seeming to realize with some horror how the conversation had turned, Ladybug reached an arm out to me. "Adrien, I didn't intend to leave it this way—"

"Goodnight," I said as I whirled and made for the rooftop stair, leaving my flummoxed partner behind me before I said anything that would widen the gulf between us.