CW: Biphobia, abuse

Dusk Stars

'C'mon! You're not going to join in?" Nader called out to me.

I shook my head as I ate more from my plate. I was sitting at a table just outside of Nader's home, under the night sky. As far as feasts went, I knew that this one was particularly measly. He was dancing with three of his friends around a fire as they whooped and shouted freely—those were the only people he could get to show up with me around. He said that he asked them not to be "jerks", but despite his optimism, I clearly wasn't welcomed. His friends were doing their best to ignore me, though it was nice that they weren't going after me or anything.

Being able to eat yummy food and feel safe...despite everything, that was an amazing feeling. And I was enjoying being able to watch Nader and the others dance. Maybe I'd practice some moves on my own, later.

After a time, Nader peeled away from the others and strode up to me.

"What's up, kiddo? I didn't take you for a wallflower," he said. Under all that sweat, he stunk like a giant foot. For the first time in a while, I smiled involuntarily.

"Your friends just...don't seem comfortable around me," I said.

He patted me on the back, which all but bowled me over. "They just need some time to warm up to you," he said jovially. "Heck, it was the same for me! At first, I didn't think you could handle any real training 'til your mom gave me a good pummeling—but I tell ya, if I saw her again, there's no way I'd lose this time!"

"No way you'd what?" my mother asked from behind him.

His eyes practically bulged out of his head as he turned around. "Ah! Your majesty! I, uh...I need to use the bathroom—'scuse me!" Giving a stilted nod, he hurried away.

"Honestly…" My mother shook her head with a hand on her hip.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as she reached down to tousle my hair.

"Your father and I needed to talk to you about something. Come on."

Was this a lecture? My parents almost never resorted to anything like that. I set my plate down and followed her back home, where my father was waiting.

As I sat myself down in front of both of them, my mother asked, "So, who is Kalel?"

"He's...my friend," I said, hesitating at the serious looks on their faces. The only way for them to know his name was if someone else told them. If someone else told them, it meant that word had gotten out about us, somehow.

Nodding slowly, my father responded, "Right. But do you care for him? In the way that your mother and I care for each other?"

Looking back on it later, I'd realize that I didn't—but I nodded, anyways. They must've already surmised as much, because they weren't surprised at all.

"Having a split heart...I wonder if it has anything to do with your split inheritance, as well…" my father wondered aloud.

"A split heart? Is that some kind of condition?" I asked.

"It...means that your soul is cut in two. One half that loves men, and another half that loves women," he explained.

"But...I don't feel split at all."

"That doesn't matter," he said, shaking his head. "You're free to make your own decisions, as always. We just wanted to tell you that you'll be getting yourself into a lot of trouble if you keep seeing that boy."

I was about to jump out of my chair with some choice words, but my mother cut in. "We say this for your own benefit," she said. "People here say that having a cut soul can weaken it—that 'split-hearted' people are weak. You don't have much going for your reputation as it is."

Fury thrashed inside me, but I subdued it, controlled it, coiled it like a hot ball of metal and kept it at the bottom of my stomach. Did every manifestation of difference need to be despised or derided?

"Well, what if I just run away?" I muttered.

"Where? To Fódlan?" my mother asked. I couldn't tell if she was challenging me or not—I didn't answer. I'd been thinking about going there for a while, but this was my first time admitting it to either of my parents. "There'd be pros and cons, honestly. They don't have a word for 'split-hearted' people there, for one thing, probably because Crests and nobility are just about all those idiots care about. So long as you marry well, you can act however you like in secret. But trust me, actual relationships between two men or two women aren't the norm there—it's harder to pop out Crest-bearing heirs that way, for starters—so people like that are usually ignored. It's up to you if you'd prefer that kind of life or not."

"Besides that, running won't solve anything," my father said. Of course it wouldn't. To be equal in the eyes of the others, I had to prove I was strong, stronger, the strongest—nothing was enough. "If you're smart, you'll act like this…'friendship' never happened. The others won't forget this for some time...but they will eventually forget."

They could forget something like that? But how could they, if they never forgot about my blood, about the part of me from Fódlan? What—because it was something that they couldn't see, they could just deny it so easily?

To conceal part of myself...I'd never had that option before. It should have come as a relief that I even had a choice this time, but then...why was I so angry?

Like usual, I tried to pay little mind to what my parents had said. I at least wanted to tell Kalel about it and see what he thought about it, first.

The next day i waited for him like usual, but he didn't come. A couple explanations came to mind, but there was no point in speculating. Once the sun tilted away from its midday apex, I hopped to my feet and began looking for him.

It occurred to me that I didn't really know where to look—I'd never seen where he lived, or anything like that. I started at the hut of the Sreng woman, and of course he wasn't there. The next step was to comb the city, as difficult as that would be. I poked down every street systematically, hoping that he'd catch sight of me.

After a couple of blocks, I noticed that something was wrong. The others who were out on the streets weren't shouting at me, following me, throwing things at me—nothing like that. Instead, they were just staring and whispering.

Taking a deep breath, I mustered some courage and approached a girl who was among them. She stopped her gossiping immediately and backed away, and an old man inserted himself between us and jabbed my shoulder with a cane. It hurt, but I kept my face blank as I backed off.

"Has anyone seen Kalel? A kid around my age with a messy haircut?" I said. Someone began hocking up mucus, and I ducked as spit flew past my head.

"Don't touch him, or else he might get the wrong idea," someone said.

So this was how it was going to be, huh? So be it.

I squared my shoulders and walked right into the crowd, forcing them to step away from me to avoid touching me, and continued in my search.

It was evening when I thought I saw his retreating back in the distance. It looked like he was heading back home from the market, with a couple of bags in tow.

"Kalel," I called out, but he didn't slow down or look my way. Was I mistaken?

I started running towards him, and he began walking faster. By the time I'd nearly caught up, he'd begun running, too.

"Kalel," I said insistently. He pivoted to the right, but stopped running as soon as I reached out to grab his arm. He didn't resist, but he still wouldn't look at me. "Kalel, why are you ignoring me?"

After a minute of silence, he finally spoke. His voice was hoarse. "We can't be friends anymore. Please leave me alone."

"Why not? You were still my friend when everyone was calling me a coward. How is it different now?" I asked levelly.

He shook his head. "No one knew I was your friend then. Now they do."

It was so obvious, but it hadn't occurred to me until then. I stared at him numbly.

"I just...want to hide," he continued. "I...you're braver than me."

"Maybe I am," I said as the words began spilling forth, thick and hot and pained—everything that I'd denied, everything that I'd pushed away. "But I'm not stupid. I'm not strong enough on my own to get them to stop. I...I just want them to stop. But I can't hide like you—not because I'm brave, but because I don't have a choice. I want to hide. But everyone knows who—what I am. And now they know what I am all over again. Don't...don't leave me to fight them alone…!"

He was shaking.

I stared at him before I realized that I'd tightened my grip, digging my nails into his skin. I let go of his arm.

"...You're selfish, Claude," he said.

He ran away into the night.

Crickets stirred in the warm, dry air, composing and keening as I sat there in the middle of the road, looking up at the starry sky.

White Clouds

I had to admit, I wasn't too fond of the Church using the ball to distract from the dangers that seemed to be lurking around every corner. Morale was important, sure—but to prioritize morale over everything else just seemed foolish.

I returned to my plans with renewed zeal—I had to, to make sure that the wildcards like the Death Knight were all accounted for. That being said, it was hard for my mind not to wander now and then, in the spare moments between practicing for the White Heron Cup, my plans, and my studies. I found myself wondering if faculty were going to participate, and if we were allowed to wear anything a little nicer than what we normally did from day-to-day. You would have looked cute with a tightly-fitted black-and-gold ensemble, and with a flower tucked in your hair…

The Church was quick to announce that we were only to wear either our uniforms or our evening wear during the ball, however—no doubt to avoid students violating the dress code left and right. I knew I would have, at least, so it wasn't an unfounded concern.

All things considered, the month went by in a blur. I'd been in the worst of both worlds—I was too focused on my work to fully enjoy the excitement that had suffused the air, but I was too distracted by said excitement to really get everything done that I'd wanted to. Before I knew it, I was standing in the reception hall with everyone else, watching Edelgard and Dimitri do their due diligence in leading the other students in the dance. It was probably expected that I do the same, since I was a house leader as well, but I couldn't think of many people I would legitimately want to dance with.

So, when I saw you among the crowd, I all but jumped at the opportunity to dance with you. Perhaps I could enjoy myself and get some important information out of tonight. I took your hand and led you to the dance floor, where I placed your hand on my waist and then put mine on your shoulder. I wanted you to lead.

Your face was inscrutable, as it often was—though less and less often, I was finding. Were you becoming more expressive, or was I getting better at reading you?

"I thought you would have been all danced out by now," you said as we fell in step.

"You put me through all the trouble of learning these frilly dance moves, so why not actually use them for something?" I said.

"You won the White Heron Cup. That's something."

"Sure, sure. That was for competition, though. What's the point of dancing if you're not having fun?" I leaned forward and dipped you, with the same motions that you had me practice before. I fumbled it a bit since you were in the leading position, but it turned out pretty okay. Like always, you were heavier than expected.

"That was alarming," you said when you returned upright.

"Don't be so dramatic—er, wait. Was it really that bad?" My voice turned from congenial to offended, only to realize my fatal mistake as you smiled at me.

"Just kidding," you said as you dipped me in turn, the chandeliers on the ceiling spinning above my eyes as your face leaned down to mine.

In truth, this was what I was wanting all night, but I'd been so unguarded that the blood all rushed to my head—or was that just gravity?

All too soon, you lifted me back up, and my feet were on the ground again.

"Was that too much? I was trying to take a leaf out of your book…" you said as you took note of my flushed expression.

"...Heh. If you keep doing that, I won't have any leaves left for myself," I said, smoothing over my voice so that you wouldn't hear any cracks in it.

As the world returned to normal, I could hear some giggling—it was from some of the students that had been watching us.

"What is Claude doing? He's so funny," one of them whispered.

"More like stupid. Even if we know he's kidding, he's putting his reputation at risk," someone else said.

"Claude, stop messing around! Some of us actually want to dance with the professor for real!" a girl called out.

The smallest taste of bitterness crept up my throat as I flashed a smile at them. It was the taste of a bitterness I'd known very well.

"Just ignore them," you said, gently leading me away as I tore my eyes away from them.

We spun across the floor, past Edelgard and Dimitri—who gave no indication of noticing us, though I was sure that they did. They were dancing rather close to each other as well. Was Dimitri going to act on those awkward feelings towards Edelgard that I suspected he had? Regardless, they were both better at hiding their true emotions than I thought. I reminded myself to keep better tabs on them once the ball was over.

"Are you...having fun?" you asked tentatively. Your eyebrows were slightly lowered, as though with worry.

I finally focused back on you. "Right, sorry. I was just…" I could feel the heat from your hand on my waist. "Things were falling out of my mind bowl, that's all. Don't worry about it."

"Were you still thinking about what those other students said?"

I sighed. "Well...yes and no. But that doesn't matter. You know that this is no joke," I said, winking at you, "don't you?"

My wink turned into a grimace as someone stepped on my foot. The dance floor was getting more and more crowded as the shier students began dancing as well.

"Are you alright?" you asked.

"Yeah. I think we're just running out of room. Maybe we should take a break from the dancing—unless you're willing to carry me over everyone else."

Your hands pressed into my ribs as you plucked me up from the ground, lifting me up as easily as if I were a stray cat.

"Whoa! What are you—" I said, reaching my hands down to your shoulders to steady myself as you started spinning me around. "Byl—Teach!" As my legs swung past the other dancers near us, they ducked away and shot us dirty looks. Laughter started bubbling up from within me, and soon enough I was guffawing loudly. "Teach, you don't really have to! I was just kidding!"

I bumped into you as you lowered me back down. I was dizzy, and I had to lean against you as I kept laughing.

A funny-looking smile had bloomed across your face.

After I had a minute to catch my breath, I shook my head. "I keep forgetting how strong you are," I said, "but I guess I shouldn't anymore. After all, you are a remarkable individual."

"You're starting to sound like Professor Hanneman," you said, returning to a neutral expression.

"Hey, I'm not that bad! It's just pretty hard to ignore the facts at this point. You're pretty special. I mean, that sword of yours—you swing it around like it's no problem, even without its Crest Stone."

I noticed that we'd stopped dancing.

I continued, "Does it feel off when you use it? Or does it still feel complete, even with its Crest Stone missing? Oh, and stop me if this is boring to you. I'm sure a lot of people have been asking you stuff like this. I just couldn't help my curiosity."

You stared in my direction, but it seemed like you weren't looking at me at all. Instead, it looked like your attentions were turned inward, like they often were when broaching topics of this nature. I wondered if I'd been too deliberate in my interrogation.

"I...don't…" you began to say, when a dark-haired girl with a fashionable hat stepped between us.

"My apologies if this is a bad time, but...I sensed you were taking a break from dancing," she said towards me with a sing-songy voice. "Mind if I step in?"

"Ah. By all means, go ahead," I said graciously. After all, it'd look strange if I had you all to myself for the whole night...though I had to admit that my enthusiasm for the ball waned once you were whisked away.

I tried dancing with some of my other friends. Hilda was happy to dance, of course, while Ignatz seemed too embarrassed, being much happier to just observe everyone else. Lysithea outright refused, probably because she was still mad over one of my many jabs at her age. I didn't even try to pry Raphael away from the snack table, though we had a nice chat over the food. Leonie wasn't too interested at first, but ended up having fun once she gave it a whirl, and I thought I'd caught a glimpse of Marianne hiding behind Hilda at one point, though I wasn't able to spot her for the rest of the evening. And despite the embarrassing zeal with which Lorenz was prancing about, he was indignant when I tried to give him a spin. It was what one might have expected—and, if I was being honest with myself, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Still, I felt a mounting restless energy the longer I felt your absence. I wasn't able to get another dance with you, and there were so many students vying for your attention that I couldn't even see where you were for a while. Without someone to bounce ideas off of, it was hard not to grow acutely aware of the stifling nobleness of the whole event, for lack of a better word, so I ended up stepping out to get some fresh air. I ended up wandering into the Goddess Tower to satiate my curiosity about the place, since I figured that looking at the night sky all by myself would feel a little depressing right now.

I wasn't expecting to bump into you there, although I should have realized that you must have disappeared from the reception hall after being swarmed by those students. While we spoke, I tried talking more about myself this time, instead of pestering you with questions. I wasn't one hundred percent positive, but I thought that maybe you were enjoying yourself again. As I started to return to the reception hall, I asked you to save me a dance—there was a part of me that really wanted you to come back and dance with me again, but I certainly wasn't going to drag you back myself.

When I returned, I was feeling refreshed from my conversation with you. I abandoned the stiff paired dancing steps that I'd learned, and started dancing the way I knew how—the way I danced in Almyra. It was a little ballsy, but I wasn't anticipating anyone recognizing my movements. Heck, I would have bet that a lot of people never considered if Almyrans danced at all.

Typically, Almyran women would dance from their stomachs, while Almyran men would focus on their arms, especially their elbows—I danced with both styles, since I found them equally fun.

"Yes! That is what I am doing the talking about!" exclaimed a student with a tattoo on her face as she pointed at me. I'd seen her around before—she was the princess from Brigid, if I remembered correctly. She began doing her own kind of dance as well, which involved some impressive jumps and hand formations—it admittedly didn't go with the music at all, but it wasn't like my dancing matched any better.

The dark-haired girl that had danced with you earlier smiled and tried to dance with the Brigid girl, attempting to copy her movements, and a blue-haired kid started punching the air and screaming next to them.

"That's not a dance move, Caspar!" someone scolded.

Edelgard looked back at the commotion, and covered her mouth as she half-grimaced, half-giggled at the others. The warmth in her expression indicated that they were all friends—the others must have been Black Eagles students as well, then.

The chaos began rippling throughout the room as many students began dancing to their own beats.

A blonde girl was staring at the boy named Caspar and said, "I see—if the others are using this as an opportunity to train, then I shall as well!" She pulled out a javelin—I had no idea where she'd been keeping that—and was quickly joined by Leonie, who was also eager to squeeze training into even the strangest of activities.

"Ingrid, please! Not in here," Dimitri said in dismay when he caught sight of her; it looked like the ripples had reached the Blue Lions house, too.

Another blonde girl and an orange-haired girl clasped their hands together and started hopping up and down to the music, something that I was pretty sure didn't constitute an actual dance, but was pretty cute nonetheless. Meanwhile, Lorenz and a ginger boy who gave off a similar aura began cutting loose, in a way that I could only describe as being wonderfully unfortunate. Soon enough, pretty much every student had joined in the fun.

I honestly couldn't have anticipated that everyone would start doing their own thing in such an odd fashion, but it just went to show how many moving parts there were among this year's class. There was something nice about it all, though. Amidst all the others, I could dance without worrying about anyone thinking that I was strange. I closed my eyes for a moment. I felt the air rush past my arms, the pulsing feeling of gravity as I swayed my head, and the strength building in my stomach as it shifted forward and backward. I couldn't remember the last time I was able to dance around other people like this.

When I opened my eyes, I saw you'd entered on the other end of the reception hall, and were now staring at me. My heart gave a little hop. Had you been running? Your cheeks seemed a little flushed, for once. I smiled and was about to wave you over when a group of students ran up to you. You looked at the students that were crowding around you, and then you looked blankly at the ones on the dance floor as they jumped, undulated, and flailed about. I could only imagine what you were thinking as you tried to process what was going on. After speaking a few words to the people clustered around you, you backed away and left the hall.

Sure, I was disappointed, but I shouldn't have been. I stopped to cough as I realized that, really, I shouldn't have expected you to come back at all. You'd lived your whole life as a mercenary, so of course you'd never experienced any type of gathering like this. It only made sense that you'd be overwhelmed.

I palmed my forehead as it hit me—I'd never even asked you if you wanted to dance at all. I wondered if anyone had bothered to ask you.

Seteth's voice broke me out of my reverie as he struggled to be heard over the commotion and music.

"Silence—silence, please! ...Enough !" he shouted. Everyone's movements stuttered to a halt as we all looked his way, and the musicians lowered their instruments. "Dancing for enjoyment is one thing, but using violent movements, let alone bringing actual weapons into the reception hall, will not stand!"

That Ingrid girl slowly lowered her javelin, blushing furiously. Leonie, who was still standing next to her, sheathed her dagger with disappointment.

"Now, you are all to dance calmly, or not at all. It is much too crowded in here for people to be punching and kicking without posing a danger to others, especially to our newer students," Seteth said, allowing his demeanor to grow a bit softer. He paused to wave at Flayn among the crowd, and the poor kid turned redder than a Morfis plum.

With a nod, Seteth motioned for the musicians to resume their playing. Slowly and awkwardly, the students began pairing up again to go back to ballroom dancing.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead as I walked away from the dance floor. I grabbed a glass of water from the snack table, wondering just where you went—to your quarters to retire for the night, perhaps? Whatever the case, I knew that you wouldn't be coming back.

I felt pretty silly. There was no reason to be so concerned over something as trivial as this. But, on the other hand, it would be equally silly to continue denying how I really felt.

Things were different now from how they were before. It wasn't just about whether you trusted me anymore—I'd started to care about whether you liked me or not. I wanted you to want to get to know the real me.

There was more, though, that I couldn't put to words if I tried. It was something fathomless and unknown: like you, but also not like you. You were part undiscovered mystery, and part...friend. Yes, a dear friend—and those parts seemed irreconcilable. But I of all people should've realized that that in itself wasn't so strange. A person could go on living just fine, feeling cohesive and whole, even when others might assume they must be feeling separate, split apart, conflicted. Maybe I just needed to wait until you felt ready to tell me more about it—about you, and about the parts of you that I hadn't gotten to know yet.

As I thought things over, I found myself wandering outside again. This time, I did end up looking at the stars alone. For some reason, though, everything felt fresh and new.

In the soft darkness of the night, I smiled a little at myself when I realized I'd accidentally carried the glass of water with me this whole time.