Chapter 5.
The more time Kara spends with Lily, the more Red Daughter's memories sneak to the forefront of her mind. Kara has visions of the tiny toddler seeking affection from the other version of herself, small arms wrapping around her neck and holding tight. She can feel the love Red Daughter had for Lily, Kara's head spinning from the sheer strength of the emotions that now seem to belong to her.
It's only been 2 days since Kara brought Lily home, but it's already cemented into her soul that she would do anything for this little girl. Kara would die for Lily, even break her own rule and kill for her if it was necessary. Anything Lily needs, Kara will move the earth to provide it, and she's realizing that Lily's laugh might be her favorite sound in the whole world.
Kara's emotions seem to be on a permanent roller coaster these days. She finds her heart aching whenever Lily fidgets exactly like Lena, but the shiny green eyes gazing at her so lovingly is like a soothing band-aid being applied to her heart.
Lily is also a reminder of the good moments between Kara and Lena. The way her little brows furrow when she concentrates is the perfect image of Lena during game nights. The fierce glare Lily shoots her after hearing the word no had Kara ready to hand her some heels and push her into a boardroom.
Lily's smile, though, well that's all Zor-El. Her whole face lights up, little teeth on show in a beam that crinkles her eyes. It doesn't take much to make that smile appear either. Ice cream after dinner, or the picture books that Alex and Kelly bought for her seemingly making Lily's entire day. Lily's so social too, like Kara, and has been enjoying meeting Kara's friends. Nia, in particular. Kara assumes Lily recognizes a kindred spirit. It's certainly how Kara felt when she first met Nia and her kind and playful nature.
The one thing that breaks Kara, though, is the way Lily always seems to be searching the crowd around her for something else. Someone. Someone who isn't there. She hasn't asked for her since her first night in the apartment, but Kara can see the yearning in her eyes everytime there's a knock on the door.
It's what prompts Kara to text Lena, inviting her to game night. Kara doubts that Lena will accept, but she hopes her message will at least encourage Lena to suggest something else. She knows Lena cares, the onslaught of clothes and toys that had been delivered to the apartment is evidence of that, but it's Lena's presence that is more important to Lily. It's how Lena was raised, surrounded by all of the material items she desired, but very little affection. It's not how Kara wants Lily's life to be, and there's no way Lena wants that either.
Kara sighs softly, gazing down at the little girl crashed out on her sofa. Lily deserves to have Lena in her life, and honestly, Lena deserves Lily too. Kara has an idea, one that might backfire, but she figures Lena already hates her right now anyway. Kara carefully slides out from underneath the legs splayed on her lap, and heads into the bedroom.
She finds her laptop on the dresser and perches on the edge of her bed. Her gaze lands on the toddler bed in the corner for a small moment, a smile burgeoning on her lips. Kara opens the calendar app on the computer, checking to see if she still has access to Lena's schedule. She's surprised to see that Lena hasn't removed her even though she's had a few days to do so. It's a small victory.
Alex would make fun of them for sharing their schedules with each other, but it always made sense to them to do so. Being best friends with a busy CEO meant that lunches together would need to be squeezed in, and Kara liked knowing when she could surprise Lena with her favorite take-out.
Assuming there's no last second changes, it looks like Lena is free for an hour in the afternoon and Kara comes to a decision that makes her feel a little nervous. This isn't about her, though. This is about Lily.
Kara switches to an article she started writing last night, busying herself with double checking facts and adding sources while Lily naps. She gets lost in the words, allowing her mind to drift from the exhausting chain of dramas her life has become. Eliza had told her to grab every rare moment to herself whenever they were presented to her. It's what kept her sane when Alex was a child. Kara gets more work done in an hour than the last few days combined, and it feels good.
Kara has moved on to searching for a new apartment by the time Lily wakes up. The little one is still groggy, her hand rubbing her eyes as she shuffles into the bedroom. Lily wordlessly clambers onto Kara's bed and snuggles into Kara's side, drawing a smile from her newfound mother. Kara wraps one arm around her, continuing to scroll and allowing Lily a chance to wake up properly.
"What are you doing?" Lily finally speaks, her finger jabbing against the screen.
"I'm looking for a new apartment," Kara says. "A bigger one so you can have your own bedroom," she explains. As much as Kara prefers having Lily so close by, she knows that Lily will need her own space.
"And Lena?" Lily asks, her little brows furrowing.
"Well," Kara sighs, struggling to find the right words. "Lena has her own apartment. She sleeps there." Kara watches the achingly familiar frown deepen. "But, we're gonna go see her today," she adds quickly to distract the child from asking more questions that Kara doesn't have answers to.
"Really?" Lily's face lights up in a way that convinces Kara she's making the right decision about the surprise visit. Lena hates when most people do that to her, but always made allowances for Kara. Well, she used to. It seems like the only way to get through to Lena, though. An advanced warning would allow for an excuse. It feels manipulative and almost passive aggressive, traits that feel out of character for Kara, but she hopes that some progress can be made by catching Lena off guard.
"Yep," Kara nods. "Should we take some donuts?" she asks in a conspiratorial whisper, already knowing the answer.
"Chocolate?!" Kara laughs at the eager response, gently squeezing the little body still tucked into her side. Lily fits there so perfectly, as though made to be there. In some ways, she was.
"Absolutely."
It takes Kara longer to be ready to leave the apartment now that she has Lily. Little fingers lack the motor skill required to tie sneaker laces and zip a jacket closed, and the girl's fidgety nature ensures she struggles to stay still long enough for Kara to help her. A little of her Mother's super speed helps, though.
"Do you remember the rules about going outside?" Kara asks, kneeling down to face her miniature Lena.
"Hold your hand," Lily says. Kara holds Lily's gaze, nodding slightly to encourage her to continue. "Don't talk to weirdos," Lily parrots Nia's input from the night before. Kara barely stops herself from rolling her eyes.
"Don't talk to anyone you don't know," Kara amends for her. "Good job, little one," she praises. She straightens back to her full height and holds her hand out for Lily to take, the little hand slotting into Kara's like a newly found jigsaw piece. Another band-aid.
The walk to Kara's favorite donut place takes a little longer than expected, Kara still getting used to walking at a pace that suits Lily. She doesn't mind, though. The familiar walk feels different, better, with the little one by her side. Lily seems to like walking, like Kara does, and Kara assumes it's because she's been cooped up in Lex's hideouts for her entire life.
Eventually, though, little legs grow tired and Kara scoops Lily into her arms as they leave the donut store, allowing Lily to hold the bag. She smiles when Lily cranes her neck to look over the crowd of people walking. Kara points down the block at the tall building with a recognizable L on the side of it.
"That's L-Corp. That's where Lena is," Kara says as she dodges around a group of teenagers. "You see that shape? That's the letter L, I always look for that when I visit Lena," she explains. It's a watered down version of the truth, Kara always looking for the building from a little higher up.
Lily's eyes never leave the L-Corp sign until they are directly underneath it, and Kara can hear Lily's heartbeat quicken as they step inside the main entrance. It's so fucking pure that Kara swears she can feel her own heart swell. The nearest security guard motions for them to bypass their station as soon as he recognizes Kara, and Kara is relieved that Lena hasn't had her unlimited access revoked.
Lena may say she doesn't want Kara, or the others, around her anymore, but she hasn't made any effort to keep them out. Lena's actions are always louder than her words, whether she means for them to be or not.
"You wanna press the top button?" Kara asks as they step into the elevator. Lily nods, stretching as far as she can towards the panel. "Easy, little one," Kara murmurs and she leans forwards to give Lily access. Kara catches a little hand gently when it drifts towards the other buttons, conscious of the other people joining them. Lily pouts, but doesn't make any further effort to go crazy with the buttons. Kara realizes she'll need to keep an eye out for that in future.
"Now?" Lily questions as the doors slide open on a random floor.
"Not yet," Kara chuckles. Lily's eagerness is a nice distraction from the nerves that are starting to swell within her. Kara hates that. She hasn't been nervous around Lena since their very first meeting, and even then the nerves had dissipated pretty quickly. Not this time around, though. "Now," Kara says after a short moment.
Lily wriggles out of Kara's arms as soon as they step out of the elevator, choosing to hold her hand instead. She's still clutching the bag of donuts when Kara leads her to Lena's new assistant. Holly recognizes her almost immediately from seeing her downstairs on a regular basis, and beams at the reporter who is always kind to her, her gaze shifting down to Lily.
"I see Miss Luthor has a new visitor." Lily clings to Kara's leg as soon Holly speaks to her, but the assistant's kind smile doesn't even falter. "Go on inside," she says to Kara. Her hand moves to the intercom, giving Lena a whole six seconds to prepare for her incoming visitors. Kara knocks, not waiting for an answer before she gently nudges Lily inside.
Lena hasn't even had time to rise from behind her desk, and she looks flustered. Her lip twitches in the way it usually does when she is caught off guard. An outsider wouldn't notice the change in Lena's appearance, but Kara sure as hell does. Raven hair is still perfectly in place, and her make-up is as flawless as ever, but her gaze is tired. As though even just existing is exhausting to her right now.
"We, uh, brought a little sugary goodness," Kara says, forcing a wide smile to her lips and doing her best to sound enthusiastic for Lily's benefit. "Go on, little one," she murmurs to Lily. She's surprised at the way Lily lurches forward, tripping over her own feet ever so slightly as she makes her way across the office to Lena.
"Oh." Lena has the sense to stand and meet Lily halfway. Recovering from the surprise, Lena kneels down. She laughs nervously at the way Lily thrusts the bag into her hands. Two sets of intense green eyes meet, and Lily suddenly grows shy.
"Got you chocolate," Lily mumbles, her little finger finding its way into her mouth. It's a habit Kara hasn't had enough time to break.
"Thank you, Lily." Lena is painfully aware of how breathless she sounds, and it takes every ounce of willpower Lena has to stop herself from staring at Lily. She instantly regrets the few days she has taken to lick her wounds and read the files Alex had sent over, hating herself for missing out on an opportunity to bond with this child. Her child. "Do you like the chocolate ones, too?" Lena asks, surprising even herself at her willingness to hold Lily's attention. Lena smiles kindly when Lily nods and she reaches into the bag. "Well, seeing as you went to the trouble of getting them, it's only fair that you should get the first one." Lily's eyes widen when Lena hands her a donut.
"I love chocolate," Lily says, her tone and features serious. Chocolate is definitely a serious and important matter. Little arms are suddenly thrown around Lena's neck, her little body slamming into Lena's with more force than a three year old should have.
Lena is jarred for a moment, shocked tears blurring her gaze and a lump jumping to her throat. She allows her arms to gently wrap around Lily, not even caring that there's now chocolate on the back of her neck. Lena hears Kara sniffle and she does not dare look up at the other woman. Lena's barely holding it together as it is.
Lena keeps waiting for Lily to end the hug, bracing herself for the disappointment, but it doesn't come. Lily sinks further into Lena, the Mother she waited 3 years to meet. Lena lets out a shaky breath and slowly rises upwards, holding Lily close. Her wet gaze finally meets Kara's, and she notices that Kara isn't faring any better with her fight against persistent tears.
"Let's sit down," Lena murmurs, the suggestion aimed at Kara as much as Lily. Kara seems almost as eager to stay as Lily is. The eye contact drops when Lena settles herself on the sofa, Lily comfortably on her knee. The child's attention soon returns to her donut, but one little hand still grasps Lena's shirt.
Lena doesn't miss the fact that Kara chooses the seat furthest away and guilt gnaws at her gut. After her debrief at the DEO, Alex sent her everything in writing, along with a few extra files that Lena hadn't been expecting.
Lena has spent 2 days seeking comfort at the bottom of a bottle of scotch and reading through everything. Lena read about each and every person who had been hurt, or at least threatened, because they carried the knowledge of Supergirl's true identity. Even before Kara became Supergirl, her adoptive father had been manipulated into actions against his own wishes. All because he wanted to protect Kara's true heritage.
The files read like a tragic biography, and Lena's heart had ached with each passing page. Kara had lost so much, more than anyone Lena knows. She wants nothing more than to mend her relationship with her best friend, but the pain of the secret still bubbles within her. Of all the people in Kara's life, who know she is Supergirl, why couldn't Lena be trusted? She would never betray Kara. Lena would die first.
"Does she know about you?" Lena asks, her voice so low that only super hearing can pick it up. "That she's yours, too?" Lena keeps her features passive as she studies Kara. She frowns when Kara shakes her head and green eyes narrow. "Why not? How could it possibly benefit you to keep it from her?" Kara sighs heavily at the questions, sensing Lena's rising suspicions.
"She's a little young for an alien biology lesson," Kara says dryly, mindful to be as vague as she possibly can. Not that Lily is even listening, she's much too focused on her sticky treat. "It doesn't matter, Lena. She's everything," Kara says, her voice thick. Kara's fist flies to her own chest, "what I feel when I look at her…. That's…. That's all I need." Kara looks away, hastily swiping at stray tears.
"She has your smile," Lena says, an olive branch.
"I know. She has your everything," Kara replies with a wet laugh. Her chin wobbles, her baby blue gaze becoming desperate. "I miss you. We've only missed three lunch dates, but there's a part of me that just feels lost. I meant what I said, Lena. I really don't know how to be without you." Kara sniffles loudly, clearing her throat as she looks away. She wills herself to calm down. The last thing she wants to do is upset Lily, too.
"I know," Lena whispers. "I want to understand why, Kara. I really do. I'm struggling to make sense of why you couldn't just come to me." Lena sighs heavily, glancing down at Lily as the child eyes up the bag of donuts beside them. "We can't do this now," Lena says, moving the bag out of Lily's reach and not fully understanding why she does so.
"Come to the apartment," Kara says. "Tonight, just the three of us. We can talk once Lily is asleep." Kara chews on her bottom lip, desperate for Lena to say yes. "Please, Lena?" Lena looks down at Lily, surprised at the pleading within eyes so similar to her own. There's no chance in hell she can say no now. Fuck.
"I should be finished at around six."