Just a reminder that this story is dark and to be warned with trigger warnings. Enjoy!
All This Time Spent in Vain
They pulled into the parking lot of Anna's flat and John pulled a medium sized bag out from the backseat.
"What's this?" Anna questioned, taking the bag from his hands.
"Happy birthday," John simply replied.
"Should I open it now?"
"It's your birthday. Do whatever you like."
Anna curled her lips to the side and sighed.
"Why don't you come up and I'll open it upstairs in my flat?"
John studied her features, unsure of how he wanted to respond. Her drunkenness had faded some since they had left the restaurant. She seemed more sober than before and perhaps now would be the best time to reach her.
"Sure."
He got out of the car and rushed to Anna's to open her door for her. Anna stepped out of the car and led him upstairs to her apartment. Immediately entering her flat, John saw several new bottles of liquor sitting out in plain sight on her kitchen counter. His jaw clinched. But he decided against saying anything about it, yet. Dinner hadn't gone well. He needed to find the right opportunity to speak to her about getting help.
"Alright, take a seat," Anna said to him, before taking a seat on the other side of the couch. Slowly, she pulled the paper out from the bag and then pulled the book inside out. Her eyes instantly filled with tears. "The Wizard of Oz," Anna breathed. "It's beautiful."
It really was beautiful. It was an older copy with some wear and tear, but that's what made it so perfect. You could tell it had been loved by someone else and Anna loved it.
"I'm sorry you felt attacked tonight at your birthday dinner," John carefully started. Anna's fingers wrapped around the book and she brought it up to her chest, as if to protect herself.
"Let's not talk about it right now," Anna whispered. She inched herself closer to John and before he knew what was happening, she had caught his lips with her own. For a brief moment, John forgot all about what was going on around them and melted deeper into her kiss. His hand came up to rest behind her head and he felt her nibble against his lips. As soon as he allowed her tongue entrance between his lips, he was quickly reminded why this wasn't a good idea when he could taste the remnants of alcohol on her tongue. Quickly, he sat back and shook his head.
"What….?" Anna exasperatedly stated.
"We…we can't do this, Anna. Not now, not like this," John stated, breathless. Anna's brows furrowed. She placed the book on her coffee table, before standing up.
"But I thought….don't…don't you like me?" Anna asked, her voice quivering.
"Yes," John honestly replied, "But you need help Anna, you are drinking, and you are sleeping with other men." Anna swallowed hard and then covered her face with her hands. "I won't be another one of your conquests. If we ever….." John paused, standing up. "If we ever get to be together, I want it to be pure."
A chuckle left Anna's lips and her hands moved from her face. "I'm spoiled, remember? A fuck up."
"You are not. You've fallen again and I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly, Anna. I wish I could take all your pain away, but you have to fight. Go to the place Mary mentioned. Get the help you need. When I was drinking, I hurt the people I loved. I knew I needed help."
"I don't need help!" Anna nearly screamed. "I…..I'm just having a hard couple of weeks. You…you don't understand what I am feeling."
"No," John agreed. "I don't. And I'm sorry, but…"
"Everybody's sorry," Anna repeated, her face growing red with anger. "Everybody wants to help. But it's not that simple."
"God, Anna, not everything is about you!" John yelled back. "Stop wallowing in your self-pity and look at what you're doing to your friends, to Mary. She's doing everything in her power to walk on egg shells and help you through this and you just don't care."
"Get out," Anna sneered, pointing at the door. "I want you out of my flat. I don't need you, or anybody criticizing me. I know I'm a screw up. So everyone can just leave me the fuck alone."
John's jaw clinched and he grabbed his coat off the back of the chair. "Fine, Anna. Have fun ruining your life."
He turned on his heels, stepped out of the door, and closed it loudly behind him. For several moments, he stayed right outside her door, breathing heavily. He hadn't handled that as well as he had hoped to, but she was being incorrigible. Refusing any help.
John's phone dinged and he looked to see he had a message from Mary.
Please tell me you got through to her.
John sighed. If anyone cared for Anna more than he did, it was Mary. Even though he didn't know her well, his heart broke for his friend's daughter.
It didn't. I'm so sorry, Mary.
I'm losing my best friend, Bates. Then a beat later she added. Me too. I'm sorry, too.
John slid his phone back into his pocket and glanced back at Anna's door. He couldn't hear any noise inside. He wondered whether she was crying or seething, maybe both. With a sigh, he walked down the staircase and to his car, hopeful she could see more clearly in the morning.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Within the hour, Anna found herself at the pub around the corner. There was no more need to cover her tracks by going out of town. She'd been outed today and had done it to herself. She hadn't meant to go to her birthday dinner drunk, but the prospect of going to the dinner within itself made her so anxious that she had to drink to make it through it.
"Hey, can I buy you a drink?" A man offered. Anna smiled at him and nodded.
"Sure."
"Two shots of tequila please," the man called out to the bartender.
"Oh, starting off strong I see," Anna playfully teased. The man's hand brushed along her lower back and brazenly landed on her upper hip.
"I like things strong," he murmured into her ear. Then he sat back and offered her his free hand, "I'm Adam."
"Hi Adam, I'm Anna." The bartender placed the two shots in front of them. They clicked the shot glasses together before shooting them down their throats. Anna brought her hand up to Adam's chest, grabbed at his shirt, and pulled him closer to her.
"Do you live near here?"
"Yes," Adam answered.
"A few more of those and then off to your apartment?"
"Totally."
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
"Mary," Sybil calmly said, trying to ease her sister's tears. She handed Mary a small handkerchief and sat down next to her on the couch in Mary's living room.
"Did…did I let this happen? Was I not helpful enough?" Mary asked through her tears. Matthew fell onto his knee and grabbed her hand into his own.
"Absolutely not, Mary."
"What do I do now? Do I just let her go? Do I not care anymore?'
"No, Mary, you let her come to you when she's ready," Sybil assured her. "You don't have to do anything."
"No," Matthew agreed. "Look, I have to go over to your parents' house. I know it's late, but your father called me in a tizzy worried about the legalities of something at Downton that needs to be settled by tomorrow morning. Will you be alright? Should I try to cancel?"
"No," Mary said with a shake of her head. "Don't do that. Papa will just trouble Bates with it next and he's the last person who needs to be bothered right now."
"I'll stay here with Mary tonight," Sybil offered.
"Okay, please call me if you need me," Matthew said, placing a kiss on Mary's forehead. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
His apartment was cleaner than most men she had shagged. It was the first thing she noticed. His hands ran up her sides and he bent down to try to catch her lips with his own, but she turned her head to the side.
"I…I don't kiss," she explained.
"What?" Adam asked, confused. "You don't kiss."
"No, when I have one night stands with guys, I don't kiss," she stated again. And it was true. She never kissed the men, never looked them in the eye. It was always quick, to the point, and always left her reeling afterwards. Yet, she always came back to it.
"Well, okay," Adam muttered. He grabbed her wrist and led her to his bedroom.
Once they made it into his bedroom, Anna pushed him onto his bed and crawled on top of him. But what happened next, surprised her. He twisted them so that he was on top and grabbed her arms, pinning them over her head.
"What…what are you doing?" She asked, her heart hammering in her chest.
"I told you I like things strong," He explained. Anna tugged her arms and tried to get them out of his hold.
"Let me go," she strongly stated.
"Relax, I'll make this good for you," Adam said, bending down and peppering kisses along her neck. Anna tensed and tried to push against him with her body.
"Please let me go," she now begged. Adam dropped his hands from her wrist and brought them to her front. He tugged at her top button, ripping the top of her dress and making her exposed.
The sound and his stance made Anna's body run cold. Panic consumed her body and she found herself frozen in her spot.
"What's this?" He asked, running his finger down the light scar. In doing so, he unbuttoned more of her buttons and followed the scar to her belly button. He saw the beginnings of the harsher one and pushed her dress to the side so he could see it better.
"I….." Anna stammered. Her breaths sharpened. Adam flipped her to her stomach and began to pull her dress off her body.
"This will be better," he muttered into her ear. Anna shook her head. His hands ran down her back and rested right above her knickers.
"Stop…" she pleaded. "Stop it!"
"You said you wanted to have fun!" Adam stated. "This is what you wanted!"
"No!" Anna screamed, turning herself over and with failing arms, hitting Adam across the cheek. He sat back and covered his jaw with his hand.
"You bitch!"
Anna scrambled off the bed and grabbed her torn dress off the floor. She was able to rearrange some of the buttons so it would cover her and she stepped backwards against the wall, frightened.
"I told you I liked things strong and you said you wanted to come up here," Adam seethed.
"This…this is not what I wanted," Anna cried.
"You're such a tease!"
Anna rushed out of the apartment and as soon as she was out of the doorway, she burst into hot, strong tears. His hands were on her again. His laughter filled her ears.
See Anna? You're just worthless. All you're good for is a quick shag.
Anna covered her ears with her hands, but all it did was make the voices louder. She needed more to drink, but they had taken a cab here and it would take ages to get another one tonight.
Tears blurred her vision and she took several steps. She blinked back the tears and rested her back against the wall. She couldn't call Mary. She couldn't call John. She couldn't call anybody.
No one wants you anyway. You're spoiled, remember? Ruined?
Taking a deep breath, Anna sat herself up. She would call a car, wait for it, and then go back home. There she could drink until she passed out.
But as she pulled her phone out of her pocket, she realized she was at the same apartment complex she had been at that morning.
What was the guy's name again? What was the number of his flat? Anna wondered to herself. She tried to recall where she had walked out this morning. She remembered that he was on the first floor, so she quickly walked down a flight and glanced over the building to see if she saw anything familiar.
And there it was. The bright orange car. It was what they rode to his flat.
"115," Anna said to herself. "115." But she couldn't remember his name. It was a blur, like all the others.
When she reached the door, Anna paused. Closing her eyes, she brought her fist up and knocked against the wood. Just a moment later, the door opened.
"Ah! It's the birthday girl!" The guy said with delight. "So glad you decided to come back to old Mikey."
"Mikey, right," Anna said, with a nod.
"Yeah, wanna come in?"
"Sure. Did you happen to score that molly you were speaking about this morning?"
Mikey grinned and pulled up a bag to shake in front of Anna.
"I sure did. Would you like to partake with me?"
"Yes, absolutely, I would."
To be continued...
Thank you for reading!