It had been blood magic.
Of course it had been. When was anything like that not blood magic? What else could raise the dead, send an arl into a coma, and effectively remove Loghain's strongest rival?
Elissa had only met the man once before Ostagar, but he didn't seem so low as to resort to this. Then again, he didn't seem like the man to betray his king, either, but he had done that too. All of this could have been avoided if Loghain had just followed Cailan's plan.
Elissa wondered what Anora's role was now. She wondered if Anora even knew how Cailan had died. Not whatever lies Loghain had told, but the truth. She wondered if Anora thought as little of the Wardens as her father did.
For some reason, the idea bothered her. Elissa had been rather secluded for the majority of her life, being left at home whenever her father or mother would travel with her brothers. But before that, Elissa had been her mother's pride. The only daughter in a family of boys. She would be constantly paraded around whenever any family would visit Highever, hoping that one of their boys would take a liking to her.
And sure, some did, but Elissa never liked any of them. The closest she'd come to being promised to someone was Howe's youngest, Thomas. He didn't seem as cruel as Rendon himself did, but again, Elissa had never expected Howe to turn on them, and she wouldn't be surprised if Thomas shared his father's hatred.
For now, though, none of that mattered. What mattered was securing their allies for the Blight. And as fate would have it, they needed to go north, to the Circle of Magi, to help Arl Eamon's son, Connor. He, too, was a mage, born into too high a family to allow their reputation to be tarnished. Eamon's wife, Isolde, had hired an apostate to train her son in secret, to teach him just enough so he could protect himself from those dangers and keep himself hidden.
The thought made her throat constrict. That Orlesian woman cared more about her son than Elissa's father cared about her. If they all just forgot Elissa was a mage, they figured it would somehow go away. But not Isolde. She wanted her son to be safe.
Yes, it had led to hiring a blood mage sent to poison Eamon, but her intentions had been good. It was more than Elissa could credit either of her parents for, anyway.
Their walk was rather quiet. The only people usually content enough to talk were uncharacteristically soft-spoken today. Alistair was understandably moping with Aedan, whispering about whatever it was the two men talked about. The Wardens, usually. Rarely, Elissa would join them, and whenever she did, they were talking about the Grey Wardens.
Leliana was right beside Elissa, her norm, and Zevran was wandering somewhere between them and the two ahead of them. Sten and Morrigan were both walking at the back of the group, by themselves.
Lake Calenhad glistened in the early morning light. It wasn't as clear as the Waking Sea, but the water was beautiful. Small waves lapped at the shoreline. If Elissa looked closely, she could see smaller fish lurking below the surface, dancing around each other. She'd never seen fish in the Waking Sea, but then, that was a larger body of water, and far more violent than the lake. It made her homesick. She missed the warmth, though from the way Zevran joked about it, she suddenly doubted it was ever warm. Warmer than the rest of Ferelden, perhaps, but not anywhere near what the elf was accustomed to.
And there, far in the distance, she could see the spire of the mages' tower. They wouldn't be able to reach it on foot until tomorrow, but Maker, it must be huge. They hadn't stopped walking since leaving Redcliffe, determined to get help for Conner and hopefully for the arl. Whatever Jowan, the mage, had given him, he was lost, and nothing anyone did would wake him.
Aedan hadn't even let them rest; as soon as their plan of action had been decided, they left. It would have been nice to at least eat real food instead of Alistair's cooking, but he didn't care. Elissa might've said something, but she stopped herself. If she wanted to be in charge of this group, she had missed her opportunity weeks ago. He said go, so they went.
Elissa looked back for their two solitary companions. Sten was marching along with his usual blank expression, but Morrigan was looking straight at her, and Elissa immediately turned back around.
Nope, she thought. Not touching that subject.
Faintly, Elissa swore she heard the witch chuckle. Somehow she had lied her way out of Morrigan's demands at Redcliffe; she knew. Morrigan knew. There was no way around it. There were signs everywhere. Carrying shit around their camp with Alistair, saving the damn man's life when they were ambushed, every single damn question Elissa had asked weeks ago.
It was so painfully obvious and Elissa had denied it anyway.
Morrigan had given up uncharacteristically quickly. Elissa had no way to prove she wasn't a mage, and the witch had enough evidence to believe otherwise. Thankfully, though, Alistair, Sten, and Zevran seemed oblivious.
Again, Elissa allowed her eyes to wander, this time to her company. Leliana was peaceful enough today. For the first time, Elissa found herself missing the woman's voice, the unending chattering about one thing or another. It didn't take much to get Leliana started, but Elissa never was good at talking, and had no idea how to even start a conversation like...well, like a normal person would. What was she even supposed to talk about? The dirt?
No, not interesting enough, though Leliana would probably humor her just out of kindness. Not the grass either—just as boring. There was dirt and grass everywhere. What did Elissa have to talk about? Herself?
The very idea made her cringe.
Leliana's giggle made her jump. Her eyes were on Elissa, bright and amused, and oh boy, had she made a mistake. Suddenly she didn't want to talk whatsoever, retreat within herself where all she had were her own grumblings.
"What was that face for?" Leliana whispered, strangely interested in keeping the quiet.
Elissa huffed. "What are you looking at me for, anyway?"
"I was looking at the lake," Leliana replied. "I can't help you are in my way."
That tone... Elissa rolled her eyes, stopped so Sten and Morrigan could pass them. Leliana stopped a few steps ahead, looking over her shoulder. If Elissa looked closely, she thought she might've seen the slightest sign of impatience in the woman's eyes.
When Elissa decided to resume walking, they were several yards away from the others, but just close enough to help if something went awry. Only Zevran seemed to notice, looking back once before turning away.
"So..."
Elissa wanted to slap herself. Why had she wanted this just a few moments ago? She wanted peace and quiet, always, and had found herself missing Leliana's...lack thereof, and now that she had Leliana's attention, she didn't want it.
"Yes?" Elissa asked, sighing. She'd done this to herself; there was no way out of it now, and she might as well deal with it.
"So where does one learn how to fight so proficiently, and yet not know how to pitch a tent?"
Elissa eyed the woman, suspicion obvious, but Leliana looked as innocent as ever, posture and expression completely harmless. She was so good at faking it Elissa almost forgot she was armed.
"Where I'm from," Elissa retorted, looking away immediately.
If she stared at Leliana too long, she threatened to get completely lost. Leliana's eyes were such a unique color, so foreign. Elissa was accustomed to browns and greens, boring, drab Fereldan colors, but Leliana's were such a clear blue that they alone could swallow Elissa up.
"And where would that be?" Leliana pressed.
Elissa chewed her lip, trying to think of a good lie, but then decided it might be safer to try and sprinkle a little of the truth in. To sell it better. "Highever."
Leliana's eyebrows perked in surprise. Elissa was careful to not reveal anything about who she or Aedan were, diverting every question back on the sister, who was equally reluctant about revealing her past.
"I thought so," was Leliana's answer. Her voice grew heavy, almost sad, and Elissa couldn't hide the confusion. "It's been quite some time since I saw laurels in Ferelden."
"Meaning?"
Leliana shook her head. "It's not important. I haven't been so far north in a while." There was a story there, that was damn sure. Elissa wanted to know what it was. Perhaps it would satiate any lingering doubts about Leliana's motives. But before Elissa could think, Leliana was talking again. "Are you and your brother knights, then?"
Elissa hesitated. If she let go of more of her own past, perhaps Leliana would do the same, right? "Aedan was. I...wasn't."
An eyebrow quirked. "Oh? What were you, if you don't mind my asking."
Oh, she minded, and no, Elissa had no way to lie out of this one. Nothing concrete came to her mind, so she shrugged, saying, "Someone hiding in her brother's shadow."
"You don't seem so keen on that now."
You have no idea.
"There isn't much of an option," Elissa said, trying to lighten the mood. "If he says we leave, I either go, or I get left behind."
Leliana just blinked, unperturbed, and totally unfazed by Elissa's bait to change the topic. "You are far better at the Game than any Fereldan has a right to be."
"You mean that stupid thing Orlesian nobles do?"
Leliana nodded, saying, "I wouldn't call it stupid. Intricate, perhaps, and strange to an outsider." Elissa, again, tried to focus the subject elsewhere, but Leliana didn't allow it. She was a master at seizing any opportunity Elissa gave her. "Which part of Highever do you hail from? A village? A farm? One of the arlings?"
Elissa shook her head. "No. No, we're from the, uh...the castle."
"Ah," Leliana said, nodding. She seemed fond of that, her nodding. That and very eyebrow-y facial expressions. Was that an Orlesian thing, Elissa wondered. "And how does a mage hide right under the teyrn's nose?"
"Can we talk about something else?" Elissa said. She was desperate now. This entire conversation was a mistake.
Leliana eyed her, critical now, rather than the soft understanding Elissa was used—and perhaps even relieved—to see at the end of everyday. Leliana knew there was something she wasn't telling her, and while she could probably put two and two together, thankfully, she, unlike Morrigan, did not. At least, not aloud.
"Very well."
Relief flooded Elissa's veins.
Instead of talking, however, they returned to an easy silence, the only sound that of Elissa's armor rustling ever so slightly. Leliana was as quiet as ever. If Elissa wasn't so painfully aware of her presence right now, she might've even forgotten Leliana was there.
"Will you tell me where you're from?" Elissa asked carefully.
"Orlais," Leliana said, every bit as unamusing as Elissa was sure she was when she gave answers like that.
"But where?" Elissa specified.
"A northern villa," Leliana replied, "so we have that in common. My mother was a servant to one of the nobility."
"Anyone I might know?" Elissa asked.
Leliana's eyes sparkled. Something about it, it made Elissa think she was almost delighted. "Most likely not. She was a very inconsequential woman, even during the rebellion."
"Try me."
"Lady Cecilie Vasseur."
Her voice sounded so distinctly Orlesian as the name rolled off her tongue. Elissa had caught brief words Leliana would mutter to herself sometimes—most likely curses. She recognized they were Orlesian, definitely, and it sounded so fitting from her, in comparison to the harsh words Fereldans would use. Leliana was a slight woman, and the dainty language fit her so well it was almost ridiculous.
Elissa shook her head. "You got me. I have no idea who that is."
Leliana laughed. "I am unsurprised. As a child, I thought the world of Lady Cecilie, but as an adult, I realize how...uneventful and utterly unimportant she was."
Her face fell as she said it, but she immediately perked back up. "She raised me, you see. My mother passed when I was young."
"Oh." Elissa looked away awkwardly, breath hitching in her throat. "I'm sorry."
"As am I."
Silence overcame them again, and Elissa caught herself peeking at her companion. Leliana wasn't much older than she was, but there was something there that marked a total difference in maturity. It was a deep sadness, one someone had resigned themselves to, and one Elissa couldn't possibly understand. Elissa was a fumbling child in Leliana's presence, but she didn't seem to mind.
"I'm sorry," Elissa repeated. "For acting the way I do."
"It's all right. I understand."
Elissa tensed, recoiling. She didn't need coddled, and Leliana was prone to doing so. Was it because she was afraid to push her? Was she afraid of Elissa snapping?
"No, don't...make excuses for me," Elissa said. "I'm not deserving of them."
And before she could stop herself, Elissa let out the entire truth.
"I'm an ass," she said. The tone she used, there was no arguing. "I have so many problems with everything going on around me and I just...shut down, instead of trying to deal with them, and then I take it out on everyone else and pretend it's their fault instead of my own. I'm so afraid of acknowledging my own involvement in anything and it just makes me angrier, but I don't know how to think or act or feel or anything and—"
Leliana cut her off. "You don't have to keep talking."
"No, I do, because I'm such a bitch that Alistair is more afraid of me than he is of Morrigan. I don't talk to anyone. I don't think anyone here is deserving of my damn breath, save Aedan. I don't think anyone should have to listen to me talk, but I don't talk because I don't care about anyone or anything."
"And why is that?" Leliana asked.
To her credit, Leliana didn't seem offended. She seemed perfectly indifferent, content to just listen and allow Elissa this rant.
"I am so deprived of human interaction that I don't even know how to talk to people," Elissa said. Her shoulders slumped considerably, exhausted already even though she wasn't done. "My own father didn't want anything to do with me. How am I supposed to...to recover from that? What does a person do when their parents all but disown them?"
Leliana was so gentle. So, so gentle that it made Elissa want to cry, but she didn't have it in her. "No one deserves that. Not even a mage, no matter who their family is."
Elissa blinked, forcing her watery eyes to stop. "What does that mean?"
"I understand. And I understand why it hurts."
"No, no you don't."
Leliana's eyes were so soft right now. So kind. What did Elissa do to deserve someone who cared? "I don't understand how it hurts, but I know it does."
How could she? How could anyone understand what she was feeling? Who else in this world would understand this struggle? Loved one day, forgotten the next, and all because she could use magic. That wasn't even something she could control, and she was hated for it.
Her entire early childhood, she was spoiled. She had two older brothers and a mother and father that loved her. All she had to do was ask, and whatever she wanted was hers. And it all changed, just as quickly, because she was a mage. She was the family favorite, the perfect child, and overnight, she was just...no one.
And somehow, Elissa's heart broke every time she thought of Howe murdering her family. Fergus' little family that he started by himself, Ser Gilmore, Nan, her parents. Her parents. They resented her, and she still mourned them.
What had they done to deserve any of her time or pain? What had she done to deserve to be haunted by their memory?
Elissa didn't even realize she was still trudging along. Leliana was standing right by her side. She was quiet, Maker be praised, and trying her hardest to look anywhere but at Elissa.
"Thank you," Elissa mumbled, eyes downcast.
"For what? I don't remember a thing."
Elissa almost laughed, but there was definitely a smile, one Leliana returned. Whether she had meant it as a joke, or to say they'd never have to talk about it again, or even both, Elissa was grateful.
Perhaps Leliana was the Maker's way of apologizing for everything Elissa had had to put up with.