Chapter 9: Sixth Year; Gryffindor's Wallflower (pt. 1)

"Sup." = English

'Hi…' = Thought

"Hey." = Spanish

"What's up!?" = Japanese

~~'How's it going?'~~ = Vision HERE!

! TRIGGER WARNING !

Hell.

Nicolasa was in a place worse than hell. She stared blankly at her brother as the sounds of healers treating patients filled her ears. Her hand was griping Luka's so tightly that she was positive blood had stopped circulating into her hand.

Akio and Akira were sleeping together fitfully in the chairs across from her, and Hiro was close to falling asleep as well as he blinked drowsily by the door. Her Uncle German, and legal guardian unless Luka miraculously woke up, was outside the room speaking to the Healer assigned with Luka's case.

He wasn't going to wake up.

At least that was what the healers kept saying. They didn't know what spell Luka had been hit with, but the head trauma that he had suffered when he hit the ground indicated that he might never wake up. The twins kept saying that she needed to have faith; Hiro even agreed with them and kept telling her that Luka was strong and that he'd recover from the experience completely. But after the last two months with no results indicating that Luka could even hear them, Nicolasa had lost hope.

She had lost her father (the selfless man that taught her that there were actual adults who cared about her well being and loved her with his all heart) and her brother (her confidant, the only person in the entire world that truly understood her, her Lu-Lu) in one go.

Her entire world seemed to be crumbling from underneath her. Why couldn't she have seen it!? Why couldn't she have prevented it!?

It wasn't fair! What was the point of having her so-called gift if she couldn't even prevent the destruction of her own family?

They were going to be discharging Luka from the hospital in a couple of days, where he would then be transferred back home with all the equipment he needed. The healers had hypothesized that Luka might wake up if he was in a familiar and comforting setting (something about the family magic saturated in the home kickstarting Luka's); one of the healers specializing in-home care would even be living with them in the guest room of the house. The twins had already moved into their house permanently, and Hiro's folks practically pushed him out the door when they realized that someone else was willing to take him in and had made himself comfortable in the room he always slept in during the holidays (Hiro wasn't a full werewolf like his parents and was shunned and outcasted from the pack when he was a child due to his differences, Nicolasa hadn't even known until the previous year when she found a morose Hiro drunk off his ass sitting on her porch swing... honestly how fucked up was that? Werewolves were shunned by the majority of society and they had the gall to shun one of their own? Really? Dumbasses. All of them).

Akio and Akira had opened up the music store already, in honor of Luka who had wanted to open up the store no matter what after their two-week vacation to New York, and business was already booming. Many people were flocking around the store and paying for music lessons, apparently, the rates they were asking for was cheaper than most and on top of that their own band had pretty much advertised their skills as well as their own grades in music class. In fact, the only time the store was closed was during the weekends so that they could spend that time in the hospital by Luka's side.

Hiro was preparing for the next school year grudgingly, as her Uncle had insisted that both of them had to finish their education no matter what.

Her father would have been extremely disappointed in them if they didn't.

(Nicolasa begrudgingly accepted that she needed to finish her magical education. Even if she had to resist the urge to pull out her hair whenever the topic was mentioned).

Hiro was leaving tomorrow and she was being dropped off by the twins next week to go to Hogwarts. She didn't want to go back. She wanted to stay by her brother's side and never leave him alone again. England had taken away the two most important people in her lives and she didn't want to have anything to do with it. After all, if the Ministry had taken the threat of Voldemort and his blasted Death Eaters more seriously from the beginning her father wouldn't be dead and her brother wouldn't be in a comatose state.

She wouldn't be able to handle the bullshit that was always thrown at her by the Slytherins anymore or the suffocating loneliness… the only plus Nicolasa saw was that she would finally have privacy. Ever since puberty had hit, she had felt her depression silently growing with her and the need to have a razor against her skin pulsed even stronger. She couldn't find release in Spain, the twins and Hiro were clingy beyond normal (not that she blamed them as she was just as dependent on them) and when Nicolasa finally had some alone time from the boys her Aunt and cousins would be bombarding her with their presence.

She needed her father. But he was dead. Gone.

She needed her brother. But he was in a coma. He would never wake up.

So Nicolasa had given up.

She needed her razor.

She needed to bleed.

Nicolasa needed to die.

Her familiars seemed to pick up on the dark thoughts that were plaguing her mind once more since the two of them started chirping wildly to get her attention.

~ONE WEEK LATER~

Kings Cross Station was packed with families. Teenagers returning to Hogwarts were buzzing around with energy as they loudly greeted their companions; younger children were either crying or running around obnoxiously.

They were too happy.

It was beyond aggravating.

Akio tugged on her sleeve gently as he led her to the train, "Come on Niki…" he whispered as he smiled softly, "You wouldn't want to be late now, would you?"

Akira smiled bitterly as a harsh chuckle escaped from his lips, "Right." Before he looked down at her as he grabbed her other hand gently showing her that he wasn't mad at her, "You don't have to go, you know that right? We don't give two shits about what your Uncle wants." He stated bluntly.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Nicolasa turned to look at him, "I know 'kira-nii… but I-I deserve it." She mumbled under her breath as the twins exchanged concerned looks above her head as they pulled her into an empty compartment. Akira placed down Itachi and Hana's basket on the booth across from them as they plopped down on the other chair and dragged her down between them before enveloping her into a comforting hug.

Nicolasa closed her eyes tiredly as she curled into the twins, they smelled like home. She had barely slept the night before, spending the entire night staring at Luka morosely while petting his hair sadly as she laid by his side in the bed... that is until she passed out around five in the morning.

Akio squeezed her tightly, "Luka would be so jealous if he saw us right now."

"Yea," Akira agreed, "He would be so red-in-the-face and he'd be yelling at us for trying to steal his baby sister... and how tricky-pranksters such us shouldn't be allowed anywhere near his precious baby sister."

Laughing brokenly, Nicolasa smiled teary-eyed, "He would, wouldn't he." she agreed as the Hogwarts Express whistled loudly, letting everyone know that it would be pulling away from the station in ten minutes. "I guess you guys better go now, huh?" she asked rhetorically as she detangled herself from the identical boys.

Akira moaned, "I don't want to let you leave." he whined as his brother nodded fervently in agreement.

"I know, but papi would have wanted me to finish my education… besides Luka would have a fit when he wakes up and he learned that I had missed an entire school year because I was too busy moping by his bedside, right?" she asked softly as the twins smiled at the optimistic statement that inferred that her brother would wake up.

Nicolasa didn't believe that he would, not because she didn't love her brother, but because she was unlucky and cursed in that sense… but the twins didn't need to know that, it made them happy to hear her have 'hope.'

"Yea, but dad wouldn't have wanted you to continue you going to this sch-" Akio stated before he was cut off by the whistle, five-minute warning.

"Come on Aki', we have to get off." Akira sighed as he pulled his brother up reluctantly, "I'll miss you Niki, you better write us every day!" he demanded.

Rolling her eyes in mock annoyance, Nicolasa sighed in dismay, "If I must write, it'll only be once a week my dear twins… I'm a busy girl after all." she said with a flourish.

Akio laughed, "Burned!" he teased his brother who was barely holding in his own laughter.

"Alright, alright… I can take a hint. I can see that we're not wanted." Akira sniffed in offence.

Nicolasa giggled as the twins walked arm-in-arm off the train and onto the platform. "Goodbye our precious, beautiful princess Nicolasa!" they shouted as they blew kisses to her from below her window, turning heads to look in their direction.

"You guys are doofuses!" she yelled in response as the train pulled away from the station. Nicolasa felt her throat constrict as silent tears streamed down her face, her papi always dropped her off at the station. He always pulled her into one of his loving hugs and kissed the crown of her head and called her princessa… Ricardo Santos, her beloved father would never do so again.

Wrapping her arms around her knees, Nicolasa allowed herself to sob quietly. No one would bother her as she had locked the compartment door after the twins had left and she had cast a 'Notice-Me-Not' spell on the compartment. Her eyes felt heavy and oppressive and her nose was so stuffed that she couldn't breathe properly.

She probably looked like a right mess

Her familiars seemed to agree with that sentiment since they seemed to have been chirping in concern as they curled around her in comfort. She sniffed morosely, "I'm okay…" she whispered unconvincingly as Hana twitched her nose before climbing up onto her shoulders and curling around her neck, Itachi tilted his head to the side cutely before snuffing in disbelief and burrowing himself between her arms and resting on her folded legs determinedly. Giggling at their antics she allowed herself to relax and stared out of the window to look at the scenery passing her by.

~TWO WEEKS LATER~

The first two weeks of the school year had passed by in a blur… though to be completely honest Nicolasa often found herself lost and trapped in her own mind as the rest of the world seemed to speed on by her. She had learned that her family wasn't the only one to be struck and changed by the tragedy at Kings Cross at the end of the previous year, but she was the only one to have become an orphan as a result of the event. And while the other students who had lost a family member were full of remorse, they were also happy and had the support of their friends and House.

Of course, since the majority of her house didn't even know that she existed, she had no such support. In fact, the only human being to offer her condolences was Mr. Filch and he had taken to hovering over her discretely when she was traveling in the hallways. Even Mrs. Olive and Oreo (Mrs. Norris) had taken to stalking her alongside her own familiars, who refused to even let her out of their sights.

Speaking of which, Mrs. Olive was currently rubbing herself languidly on her leg as Nicolasa walked slowly to her Charms classroom. There weren't many people roaming in the ancient halls of Hogwarts yet, she was walking to her class early after spending her free period completing her homework assignments in her favorite alcove. Sighing in defeat, Nicolasa kneeled down to carry the cat in her arms the rest of the way. There were just too many stairs for the old feline to be climbing up and down daily.

A perpetual frown seemed to have permanently fixated on her face as she stared blankly ahead of her as Professor Flitwick continued the lesson. Nicolasa felt numb as she vaguely noticed her peers take out their wands and begin practicing the spell from where she was sitting in from the back of the classroom. Her father had never been particularly good at charms, swallowing the lump in her throat Nicolasa fingered wand sadly as she blinked rapidly, trying to dissuade any tears from falling down her face.

"Ms. Santos?" the squeaky voice of her Charms Professor questioned, breaking her out of her reverie, "Are you alright?" he asked quietly as his eyebrows furrowed.

Clearing her throat, "Y-Yes Professor…" she whispered in response as she lowered her head timidly making her hair cover her face in a curtain-like fashion.

"Are you sure?" the half-goblin asked dubiously, "Ms. Santos you are rather pale and appear ill. You are a good student and if you aren't feeling well, spending the rest of the afternoon in the infirmary won't impact your grades, after all we are just reviewing spells."

"I'm fine." she stated morosely, "It isn't something Madam Pomfrey could fix."

Professor Flitwick's eyebrows shot up in surprise before mellowing down as he looked at her concern, "I see." he said demurely as he continued his rounds throughout the classroom.

Nicolasa had never felt so broken before.

She stared unblinkingly at Evans razor as she crouched frozenly in the bathroom. Wrapping her arms around her legs she let her head rest down on her bare knees, should she or should she not?

Her arm was aching and practically pulsating, as if it were begging her for release. For the feel of a blade slicing through her skin, for the old scars that once littered her old body in her first life… Merlin, she was fucked up, but Nicolasa couldn't resist any longer. Luka would probably, definitely, disapprove but her older brother wasn't around any longer to save her from herself... and that was her own damn fault for being born in the first place.

Reaching her hand out she grasped the razor tightly before bringing it to her chest as she breathed in deeply through her nose as she quelled the tears threatening to spill over her cheeks. Expertly, Nicolasa pulled the blades out of the plastic razor and tossed it to the side as she collapsed against the bathtub. The metal blades glinted and sparkled under the candle light in the bathroom, in a weird way it was comforting and nostalgic. After all, when she was Rosie the only she could unwind was having a blade to her wrist.

Bringing the blade to her arm she pressed the metal into her skin until it drew blood and then swiped it across her wrist. Nicolasa watched as blood formed across the self-inflicted wound blankly as she sighed in relief.

It felt good.

It wasn't nearly enough.

Blood dripped onto the white tiled floor as her thick life essence continued to escape from her wrist as she brought the now stained blade back to her arm and swiped it harshly against her skin once more. Closing her eyes in euphoria, Nicolasa let her head fall back and rest against the rim of the bathtub languidly. For the first time in months she wasn't thinking about her father or her brother, for the first time in months she wasn't thinking at all, she was just feeling. Opening her eyes lazily she brought the razor to her wrist once more and watched absentmindedly as it painted her skin red.

Giggling, Nicolasa shakily stood up and made her way to the sink in a drunken fashion before leaning heavily against it. Turning on the water she let her arm run under it. Hissing at the stinging sensation, she smiled as she saw the new scars decorating her arm as the blood washed away. Her dorm mates would be waking up soon and she needed to get rid of the evidence, not that they would care that she was cutting herself, but she was sure that she was the only Gryffindor in her year that comfortable with the sight of blood. On top of that Itachi and Hana would have a fit if they saw the scars… they would probably think that someone had accosted her and they would never leave her alone again!

Nodding resolutely she cast a small glamor spell she learned from a Witches Weekly cosmetic magazine on her wrist as well as a 'notice me not' charm just in case someone noticed that there was a glamor on her arm. Banishing the blood from the floor as well as Evans razor, barring the blades which she was intending to keep, she looked around the bathroom in accomplishment before grabbing her towel and wrapping it around her nude form and walked out of the bathroom relaxed.

~THREE WEEKS LATER~

Nicolasa leaned against the cold stones of her alcove as she stared blankly out of the window. It was already October 25th, and the Scotland air was cool against her skin. She could spot some of her fellow Gryffindor's out on the Quidditch pitch, most likely practicing for their next game against the Ravenclaws. Her beloved, if slightly over-protective, familiars were sunning themselves as they cuddled into each other from their spot underneath the sun.

"Finite." She whispered expectantly as she stared at her now scarred arm underneath the warm sunlight. Lines crisscrossed each other in a seemingly unorganized fashion across her flesh. The newer wounds were slightly inflamed and stood out in an angry red color against her pale skin, while the older ones were now a lighter color of new skin that was forming over the original flesh but were forever marred to be permanent fixtures on her arm. Since Nicolasa had originally begun cutting herself back in September, her left arm was already as scarred as it had been when she died the first time around. Nicolasa couldn't find it in herself to care.

The scars were as beautiful as she remembered them to be.

They were also a gruesome scene painted on her arm.

It felt right.

She absentmindedly let her fingers trail the scars lightly across her skin in remembrance to the moment when Nicolasa had originally… placed them into her flesh.

It was so easy now to hide them now, nothing like how it had been when she was Rosie. All she had to do was cast a quick glamor charm over her arm and go on with her day, but in her first life as Rosie, she hadn't had magic to depend on. She would wear long sleeved shirts or sweaters every day, even if it was ninety degrees outside. As a result, all the other kids thought she was a weirdo and she didn't have any friends other than her stuffed animal… then again she didn't have any friends now anyway.

The teachers rarely paid attention to her and the majority of her Housemates didn't even know that she existed, so who would care if she cutting?

No one.

So why exactly was she putting the effort into hiding her arm underneath spells, especially when the school uniform had long-sleeved in the first place?

Luka. Her older brother might be in a coma and her honorary brothers in another country, but she didn't even want to risk the information getting back to them. Especially since the twins were already out of their minds with worry. She didn't want to stop. She didn't want to stop cutting, she needed it in order to feel better. To forget all the shit she's been through.

The seemingly never-ending visions, her murdered father, her comatose brother, the Slytherin's whom seemed to be getting cockier every day, her damn fucked up life altogether!

But if her family found out what she'd been doing, Nicolasa would probably never get to hold a blade in her hand again. And that was simply unacceptable.

God, she was tired. She always was.

Nicolasa sighed as she rubbed her forehead gingerly, she was falling behind in her studies… not that she really cared anymore, it wasn't worth the effort. She knew that Mr. Filch and Tiki were worried about her, but it was easy for her to dodge their questions and avoid them if necessary. Mr. Filch was busy with trying to hunt down the Marauders who were more vicious with their pranks then they had ever been, even when the Dark Lord and his followers were made known to the public they hadn't been this bad (Nicolasa inwardly suspected that they had also lost someone during the incident), and Tiki was stuck in the kitchen so she began eating in the Great Hall more often.

Though that did have its own unfortunate consequence. Mulciber, Avery, and Rosier had taken to waiting in a secluded corner outside of the glorified cafeteria to jump her daily. Her paranoia was at an all-time high, and she often refused to even walk down a hall if it was even slightly dark. After all, they could be waiting for her in the shadows. Nicolasa was so twitchy that it was even affecting Hana and Itachi, her poor familiars were constantly on alert as they craned their heads from side to side in search of unknown dangers surrounding them.

Not that the two stoats could really do anything against the Slytherin's… other than getting help that is.

~FLASHBACK TO ONE WEEK AGO~

Nicolasa clutched her school bag to her chest tightly as she made her way to the potions lab, which was unfortunately located in the dungeons. She was the only one visible in the hallway and her black dance shoes lightly clicked on the ground as she moved. She had just finished eating lunch and had decided that it would be best for her to get to her classroom before the Slytherin trio decided that she would be a wonderful target for the afternoon. When she had left the Great Hall the three of them were still eating and conversing with their friends so she estimated that she had five or so minutes before they realized she was gone and they set chase.

Hana was curled around her neck protectively as surveyed the area behind her tensely as her male counterpart scurried in the shadows beside her as he quickly investigated the hall in front of them before letting out a chirp to let them know it was safe. They had been traveling this way for the last two weeks after Avery and his gang of sheeple jumped her on her way to the Charms classroom shortly after the school year started.

And to be honest, it was starting to drive Nicolasa insane. She was constantly hyperaware of her surroundings, jumping at the slightest sounds and pulling her wand out in defense at even the smallest indication of movement. The only way she could relax was in the early mornings when she would lock herself in her dorm bathroom and forget the rest of the world once the razor blade was in her hand.

She was terrified out of her mind on just thinking about what they would inflict on her next. The last time they jumped her they had almost cast an Unforgivable on her before Mrs. Olive and little Oreo stumbled across them and started screeching and yowling loudly… but she knew for a fact that Mr. Filch and his cats were nowhere near her location at the moment, as the squib liked to patrol the area around the kitchens during lunch to see if he could catch students (the Marauders) in the act of doing something wrong, to save her if something went wrong.

Nicolasa was jarred out of her thoughts as Itachi hissed menacingly, his fur began to stand up angrily on his back as he glared angrily at a nonchalant Avery.

"Well, what do we have here?" he asked rhetorically as an ugly smirk marred his face as he twirled his wand in his hand, "Does the little mudblood have a friend?"

How on earth had they gotten ahead of her? They were still in the middle of eating lunch when they had left, and they'd even had their backs turned to her, so how!?

"Phfft!" Rosier choked in amusement as he came out from behind the other teen, "How pathetic is it, that it's only friend is an animal?" he asked as Mulciber patted his back gently.

"That's because the rat and it are both on the same level Evan." He drawled cruelly.

A growl ripped itself out of Itachi's throat as it stood protectively in front of her and Hana. Thankfully her female familiar was silent as it stared tensely at the threats in front of them. It didn't appear that the others had noticed her yet, Nicolasa looked at her from the corner of her eye before whispering as quietly as she could without alerting the teens that she wasn't paying attention to them, "Hana get help."

The stoat looked at her firmly before she slinked sneakily off her shoulder and hid in a shadowed corner before she began making her way to the only person she trusted her human with, Mr. Filch and his cats.

Nicolasa stared firmly at the trio as they continued to insult 'her less than stellar pedigree' as they fingered their wands suggestively. Now that they were aware of Itachi's existence, his life was in danger… after all, Avery and his gang practically lived just to make her life miserable, and killing one of her beloved familiars wasn't below them. Her familiars didn't deserve that kind of fate.

Clicking softly under her breath with her tongue quickly got the stoat's attention before he quickly moved by her side and crawled up to her shoulder as he was commanded. His dark creamy fur was still standing straight as he bared his teeth aggressively to the Slytherin's, his eyes were trained on the three threats determinedly. If the situation wasn't so dire, Nicolasa would have cooed at Itachi's over protectiveness.

"Now little mudblood… we didn't get to finish our little game last time." Avery stated excitedly as maliciousness practically oozed from him.

Nicolasa closed her eyes and took deep breaths in to calm her rapidly beating heart before she looked blankly at them. Show no emotion. Reveal no weaknesses.

Mulciber laughed, "That's very true Reginald… Where should we start?" he asked eagerly.

"Hmm, I think that we should just start where we left off." Avery stated before whipping out his wand and shouting, "Crucio!"

Her legs turned to jelly under her as she collapsed onto the ground, Nicolasa could barely withhold a scream as the torturous feeling of white-hot knives piercing every single inch of her skin continuously. She couldn't remember who she was or where the hell she was from how pain-inducing the spell was, and as suddenly as it had come it was gone. Breathing deeply as she struggled to get ahold of herself she let a few traitorous tears run down her face.

Itachi was on the ground beside her growling angrily at the three boys before he began attacking Avery furiously. The Slytherin screamed in pain as her brave familiar drew blood after chomping down viciously on the teen's calf before he continued using his claws and teeth on the rest of the leg. Rosier immediately went to his aide as he tried to get the weasel off Avery, only to be bitten by the feral looking stoat.

Mulciber turned to her angrily before kicking her side in fury, "Call it off mudblood! How dare you attack one of noble blood!" he shouted as he kicked her once more. Nicolasa moaned in pain as she shielded her face from her attacker.

"What is going on down there!" the familiar grouchy voice of Mr. Filch shouted scratchily as he ran towards them. The three Slytherin's cursed before simultaneously deciding that running away was there best option.

Hana and Ms. Olive reached her first as they inspected her broken body in a worried fashion before the old squib kneeled down beside her carefully, "Ms. Santos, are you alright?" he asked in a panicked fashion as he helped her sit up.

Nicolasa moaned, "I'll be fine, Mr. Filch." She rasped, "Thank you for saving me." She whispered as Hana began inspecting Itachi for wounds as the male stoat stoically made his way to her side.

"Stupid girl." He snapped back as he hugged her tightly before helping her up, the man would never admit it to the young witch but he did have a soft spot for the girl.

~END OF FLASHBACK~

Nicolasa sighed tiredly, she didn't want to remember her experience under the cruciatus curse, but the curse now often starred in her dreams after that event. She couldn't forget that feeling no matter how hard she tried. But the worst part was when the curse starred in a dual dream of her father dying and Luka blaming his death as well as his own injury on her. Those dreams in her opinion were more painful and heart-wrenching than actually suffering under the malicious spell.

Thankfully she hadn't come into contact with the three Slytherin's since then, she assumed that the trio was going to be staying away for a while after they were almost caught, but the paranoia of when they would strike again was eating her alive once more.

A soft coo broke Nicolasa out of her thoughts as Hana crawled up on her stretched out legs onto her lap and looked at her in concern. Smiling softly at her female familiar she rubbed the top of her head gingerly before picking her up and bringing her into a gentle hug against her chest. The stoat purred under ministrations as she nuzzled Nicolasa's cheek lovingly before chirping up at her in her own language.

"I'm okay Hana-chan." She promised before kissing the stoat on her nose. A snuffling sound made Nicolasa look down at the slightly jealous male stoat as he tried burrowing himself into her arms. Giggling at Itachi's antics she lifted him up into her arms as well and kissed his forehead, "We wouldn't want to leave you out Itachi-kun." She teased gently before leaning back against the stone wall and looking out the window as the afternoon sun shined brightly over their spot on the window sill.

Her familiars were already half asleep in her arms when Nicolasa's eyes began to shut closed, a small catnap was just what the healers would have ordered…

~TWO MONTHS LATER (THREE DAYS AFTER THE YULE HOLIDAYS)~

Nicolasa sighed in frustration as she looked at all of the happy faces sitting and fooling around in the Great Hall as she glumly pushed her food around on her plate. Don't get her wrong she was actually glad for once to be at Hogwarts, but at the same time, she couldn't help but wish she was by her brother's side. She couldn't relax at home, since she was constantly surrounded by people and she knew for a fact that Hiro would be able to smell blood on her if she decided to partake in her… extracurricular activities due to his partial werewolf status.

And being around Luka was a new torture in of itself. He was so still and silent, completely unlike his normal personality which was vibrant and warm. It hurt just to be around him, but she couldn't force herself to move from his side. She had been clinging onto a single thread of hope for months that her brother would wake up from his coma… they all were. The twins were shadows of their rambunctious selves and even Hiro who had been the quietest out of three boys was even more skittish and silent than ever!

It just wasn't the same without Luka. Sure he was alive, but at the same time, it felt like he really wasn't. Sock's practically lived on Luka's bed and he only left when he had to use the bathroom, in fact, she was positive that her brother's poor familiar would have withered away by now if it wasn't for the twins force-feeding the poor thing.

Even Quico and Leia weren't the same. They weren't as energetic or happy, sure when she first entered through the doorway (aka the floo) they had been excited to see her but after the initial excitement they- they just wilted. They moped around together either by the fireplace or by the window facing the front of the house as if they were waiting for her dad to suddenly walk through the door. But he was never going to, and it was her own damn fault.

Even her Uncle's German and Tulio, who were busy raising their own toddler Miguel, practically lived in her house. Her Uncle Tulio took care of Luka along with Healer Gwen during the day on top of looking after baby Miguel, then the twins would look after him with Gwen when they got home. Sometimes Aunt Juliana would come over and make them dinner and keep them company. They kept repeating that they needed to have faith and that Luka was going to pull through and wake up.

They were lying.

She had overheard the Healers talking with her Uncles and Aunt. The likelihood that he would wake up from his coma now was a million to one. Luka wasn't responding at all and the only thing keeping him alive was the equipment being used to keep his heart pumping. Her brother truly was gone. And with him, she was sure to follow soon.

She couldn't take it anymore. The pitying glances her family threw her when they thought that she wasn't looking, the horrible jeers and taunting's that the Slytherin's tormented her with, the invisibility she had amongst her peers and even amongst some of her teachers, the damn visions that never seemed to stop plaguing her dreams. No one would miss her from Hogwarts other than possibly Mr. Filch and Tiki. Poor, poor Tiki whom she had been avoiding for months out of self-hatred.

Sure her family, including her honorary brothers, would probably mourn for her… but not for long. They would eventually realize that she had brought it upon herself to begin with. She was a monstrosity that never should have been born.

Now all she was waiting for was the perfect moment.

~FOUR DAYS LATER~

Being a dog was less painful than being human. Nicolasa had discovered that during the Yule Holidays when she had shifted into her animagus form for the first time in months since the incident. She enjoyed being Boo, whose emotions were dulled considerably. Boo didn't suffer from nightmares, and if she occasionally dreamed it was only about innocent things like running through her backyard with Kaizoku (Luka) on her back as a familiar giant white lion playfully chased them around merrily.

In fact, most nights now she always shifted before going to sleep, it was nice to remember something actually good about her immediate family, even if it hurt like a bitch when she woke up in morning and remembered that they were gone. It didn't seem that her dorm mates suspected her nightly activities, nor her early morning ones, and for that she was grateful. After all, she wasn't a registered animagus in England and she technically wasn't supposed to shift on English soil without running into trouble.

At the moment she wasn't Nicolasa the broken teenager whom had lost all of her family, she was Boo a white-furred retriever who had no real cares or worries in the world. Boo stretched, arching her back gracefully before yawning lazily and plopping down on her soft bed. Nuzzling the sheets beneath her contently she rolled over onto her back and squirmed as she tried to find a comfortable position. A curious chirp brought her attention to the two weasels at the edge of the bed. Her tail began waving in excitement as she gave the smaller mammals a doggy grin before rolling over onto her tummy again.

The smaller female weasel, Hana her mind supplied, cooed happily before burrowing herself into her side as the male, Itachi, leisurely made his towards her and curled up onto her back. Boo yawned loudly before resting her head on the mattress. Boo was tired, so she would sleep.

~DREAM/FLASHBACK~

Nicolasa laughed merrily as she watched the twins chase Luka down the beach while Hiro cheered them on. Mexico was beautiful; the sights, the people, the culture… the music! It was a dream. And the beaches were nothing to snort at either. The water was clear and shiny as the sun's rays reflected off the water, the sand was warm against her skin and gentle breeze kissed her skin gently from where she was perched in her beach chair.

"Boys will be boys…" her father sighed from beside her as he sat up form where he was laying on his beach towel, "They can't ever just sit and relax, can they?" he asked rhetorically.

Snorting in amusement, Nicolasa smiled down at the man, "No I suppose not Papi… than again, they are only this rowdy when they're together. I can personally vouch for that." She quipped.

Her father groaned in mock-pain as he plopped his hat onto his face, "Not the twins. They are always loud." He stated seriously, "That I can vouch for. Hiro and Luka on the other hand, I can believe."

"Hey!" Hiro shouted over, getting their attention rather quickly before running up to them with a wide smile on his face, "The tide is low, wanna come out with me onto that sand dune?" he asked her as he pointed it out in the water. It looked as if the water had given birth to a little island in the ocean.

Smiling up to the older boy, she grabbed his hand and pulled herself up, "Sure! Do you think we'll find any good seashells over there?" she asked curiously as the dark-haired boy bent down to pick up a plastic bucket.

"Maybe!" he chirped, "Race ya!" he shouted before sprinting down to the shoreline.

"No fair!" she screamed before bolting off after him. Her father laughed behind her as sand was kicked off the ground from how hard she started running. "Wait up, Hiro!" she shouted as she reached the water, Hiro was already calves in deep as he stared at her expectantly.

"Well?" he teased with a cocky grin, "Aren't you coming in?"

Nicolasa pouted before huffing in mock anger, "You're a cheater Okami Hiro!" she declared earning a laugh from the older boy. She sniffed 'snootily' as she glared down at him, "Carry me to the dune peasant."

Hiro snorted in mirth before acting along, "Of course my queen." He said dramatically as he walked up to her before kneeling down, "Get on your majesty."

"Hmm," Nicolasa looked down at the elder teen's shirtless back, "Fine." She quipped as if she was the one doing Hiro a favor, "You may carry me on your back peasant." She stated before wrapping her arms around his neck as Hiro hooked his arms around her legs so that he was now carrying all of her weight. They both giggled in amusement before Hiro waded confidently through the water until they reached the sand dune and let her down gently, "Thanks Hiro-nii!" she chirped.

"You're welcome," Hiro stated with a gentle smile as he looked out beyond the sea. The sun was going to set soon and the orange glow illuminating the sky was breathtaking.

Smiling at the natural beauty surrounding them, Nicolasa giggled happily before turning to her equally awestruck companion, "Come on, Hiro! Let's see if we can find some treasures, yeah?" she teased as she began inspecting the sand for shells.

The duo must have been searching for shells for a while since they hadn't noticed how low the sun had gotten while they were fooling around. "Nicolasa! Hiro!" the deep kind voice of her father shouted, the two teens immediately looked up to see her father standing at the shoreline in his bathing suit trunks and blue t-shirt as he waved at them, the twins and Luka were still fooling around as they playfully wrestled each other into the ground behind him, "Come on guys! It's time to head in!" he shouted as a joyful smile stretched across his face.

Nicolasa shared a smile with Hiro before looking back up at her dad, "Coming Papi!" she yelled as she and Hiro raced back to the mainland.

~END OF DREAM/FLASHBACK~

Boo woke up slowly, yawning she leisurely stretched before sitting up on her bed sending Itachi tumbling off her back and onto the mattress. Itachi glared in sleepy annoyance before curling into Hana's side. Boo stood up shakily and jumped off the bed gracefully before shifting.

Nicolasa stretched out her now human limbs before making her way to the bathroom and shutting the door behind her quietly. Mechanically she crouched down beside the sink and moved the tile hiding her razor and placed the blades at the edge of the bath tub before letting the water run a warm temperature. Pulling her nightgown off in one fluid motion while she kicked her panties in another direction, Nicolasa slowly let herself sink into the water not even pausing to look at herself in the mirror. She already knew that looking at her own reflection was painful in itself. She looked too much like her brother. Sighing as the warm water relaxed her tense muscles she reached over and turned off the running faucet before leaning her head on the porcelain rim of the tub.

She loved the mornings, no one was awake except for herself and no one could judge her. She didn't have to hide under glamors, which were now shielding her full body... she had lost a ridiculous amount of weight and Nicolasa didn't really want anyone noticing, and she could participate in her most relaxing activity.

Fingering the blades almost lovingly, she traced one of the lines on her skin softly, not breaking the flesh but almost teasing it. The blade was cool against her arm and felt comforting in her hand. Without even paying any real attention, Nicolasa cut into her flesh with the blade. The familiar sting of having broken into her own flesh didn't take away from the experience of watching as blood quickly built up across the wound before droplets began dripping down into the water, staining it a pinkish-red color.

Pressing the blade once more to her skin, she reopened another old scar before dropping the blade onto the ground, having already served its purpose, before leaning back against the tub and closing her eyes gingerly as she saw spots race across her vision from the euphoria.

Damn, she was tired… deciding that it wouldn't harm her to take a small cat nap (it was four in the morning after all) in the tub, Nicolasa let herself fall into a light sleep.

Banging on the bathroom door woke Nicolasa up with a jolt. Practically jumping out of the tub with fright, she pulled her towel around her body. What time was it that someone was already awake and trying to get into the bathroom?

Fear bloomed throughout her chest as she quickly let the water drain from the tub before quickly hiding the blade in its hiding spot. She quickly banished any blood from her body and cast the full-body glamor before opening up the door with haste.

She could practically feel Evans emerald green eyes glaring into her as she tiredly made her way into the bathroom, "Why were you in here for so long?" she accused in a frustrated voice, as Nicolasa looked around the dorm to the other two girls quickly running around the dorm as they tried to get ready.

"I apologize…" she mumbled as her hair covered her face like a curtain, "I fell asleep in the tub."

Evans sighed, "Just don't do it again, we're all going to be late now."

Nicolasa blushed darkly as she made her to her bed and pulled the curtains around her before she manually began getting dressed in the school uniform. That had been a close call, she had almost been discovered.

Words: 7,465

WARNING: cutting, suicidal thoughts, bullying, death of a loved one, grief, depression.

Quick Note: The next chapter is going to be a difficult one to read. Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts and/or is feeling depressed is free to contact me if they need someone to talk or vent to. REMEMBER! No matter how hopeless or alone you feel, suicide is not an option. It can be hard to talk to someone about all of the shit you're going through, but I promise you that it does get better. You're going to have bad days, but the good days will always outweigh the bad. You are important. Someone would be absolutely devastated without you in their life.

Suicide Hotline in the US: 1-800-273-8255