Author's Note
I do not own A Series of Unfortunate Events.
And now we return to our regularly scheduled Baudelaires.
Violet, Indigo, Loki, and Kyra made a start on the long list of chores Count Olaf had left them, ably assisted by Dog, who ran off with the cleaning brushes and knocked over the mop bucket.
Meanwhile, Klaus, Elias, Sofia, and Finn read through their pilfered books, occasionally pausing to share and discuss notes.
Once all the chores were finished, Violet fetched bread and some bitter tasting apples from the kitchen for her siblings and they gathered in their bedroom, Indigo and Elias with their backs against the door in an attempt to jam it closed.
"We haven't found anything," Klaus bemoaned.
"And we're running out of time," Elias added.
"We'll help you," Indigo said, leaning over to look at Elias's book. "Here, let me see."
He pushed her away. "It's fine. You should rest while you can."
"Are you sure? Six pairs of eyes could be better than four."
"We've got this," Sofia said firmly.
Klaus, Elias, Sofia and Finn spent the night reading. When they were younger, they had built pillow forts in their bedrooms and curled up together to read using torches while their parents were away and the nanny was off doing something she probably shouldn't.
There were no torches now, and no forts either. The four of them crowded around the window to read by the moonlight, occasionally whispering to one another. Finn eventually fell asleep leant against the wall.
"Oy, sleepyhead," Elias protested, but Sofia stopped him.
"Let him sleep."
Violet, Indigo and Loki were sleeping fitfully on the lumpy bed, Kyra was curled up with Dog on one of the curtains, and the twins had wriggled into the fabric of the other so well they couldn't be seen.
The books were long, boring, and tedious, a word which here means long and boring, but at last they had found out all he needed to know.
Quietly, so as not to wake their siblings, the three slipped out of the bedroom.
"What do we do?" asked Klaus worriedly.
"Burn the place to the ground with Olaf inside it," said Elias.
Sofia frowned. "We're not doing that."
"Fine." Elias grabbed the book from Klaus and set off down the rickety stairs.
"Where are you going?"
"To confront that bastard!"
"Elias!"
Elias didn't stop. Klaus turned back to Sofia. "Go to the phone and ring Mr. Poe."
"Mr. Poe won't help us," Sofia replied bitterly.
"Then call- I don't know! The police! The fire department! CPS! Someone!"
"Right. On it."
The two hurried down the stairs after Elias and separated at the bottom, Klaus rushing after Elias and Sofia scurrying off to the phone in the hall.
Elias stomped into Count Olaf's study, where he was drinking a cup of coffee, and slammed the very large, very heavy book down on his desk.
"Hello, orphan," said Count Olaf. "You're up early."
Elias was wearing an armour of righteous anger and slammed a hand down on the book. "I've been up all night reading this book."
Count Olaf looked at the book. "A book on Nuptial Law? Where did you get that, bookworm?"
"From a library. You do know what that is, right?"
Count Olaf took another mouthful of coffee. Klaus slipped into the room behind Elias and called for him. "Elias!"
"We learned many interesting things while reading it, and we know what you're up to!"
"Is that so? And what is that, exactly, you little runt?"
"Elias!" Klaus hissed, seizing his brother's sleeve. Elias pulled away.
'The laws of marriage in this community are very simple. They are as follows: the presence of a judge, a statement of "I do" by both the bride and the groom, and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand.' "
Elias stared at Count Olaf long and hard. "If Violet says 'I do' and signs a piece of paper, while Justice Strauss is in the room, then she is legally married. You're not going to marry her figuratively, you're going to marry her literally!"
Count Olaf frowned a little. "Literally? That's outrageous!" He hesitated and frowned, rubbing his pointy chin with his long fingers. "Wait, literally?"
Klaus sighed. "You don't know the difference between figuratively and literally, do you?"
"Ah—"
Elias glared. "It means this play won't be an act; it will be real and legally binding."
Count Olaf waved a hand. "Your sister isn't old enough to get married."
"She can get married if she has the permission of her legal guardian, acting in loco parentis. That's you. You can't fool us."
"Why in the world would I want to actually marry your sister? It is true she is very pretty, but a man like myself can acquire any number of beautiful women."
Elias turned through the book. "A legal husband has the right to control any money in the possession of his legal wife. You're going to marry Violet to gain control of the Baudelaire fortune! Or at least, that's what you planned to do. But when we show this information to the police, they will put a stop to this! They're probably on their way right now!"
At that moment, there was a knock at the door and the Bald Man entered, holding Sofia off the ground by the collar of her dress. She was kicking furiously, but she wasn't going anywhere.
"Found this one trying to use the telephone Boss."
"Did you indeed? Well, why don't we escort them back to the bedroom that I, Count Olaf, so graciously provided for them, and we'll see what their orphan siblings have to say about this."
This wasn't happening at all the way Elias had pictured it.
He had thought that they would confront Count Olaf and he would tear his hair out in anger or storm from the room, and they would leave to speak with the police. But here they still were, being marched miserably back to the one tiny room.
Indigo and Loki were still dozing, but Violet was awake and had dressed for the day.
"Oh, there you are—" she started, and stopped when she saw Count Olaf and the Bald man behind them.
"What do you want?"
Indigo was already stirring, and jerked awake at Violet's hiss, rolling from the bed. She hurried over to the cushion to check on the littlies.
"Why don't you wake the rest of your orphan siblings, and then we'll see."
"Sunny? Noah?" Indigo called, lifting up the fabric of their cushion. The twins were nowhere to be seen.
"Oh dear oh dear."
"Where are they?" Klaus asked, hurrying over to help her search.
"I don't know. But they're not the type to run off."
"Where can they be?"
"Where can they be indeed?" said Count Olaf, and the children turned around to face him in the doorway. His eyes were shining and he was smiling very, very widely.
The White Faced Women, Damien and Lavender had recently discovered, had not been lying about the lions.
And now they had a, well, lion shaped problem prowling around the cottage.
"What do we do?" Lavender whispered.
"Stay quiet and hope they don't realise we're inside," Damien whispered back.
"But surely they can smell us. Or have already heard us."
"Do you have any better ideas? One single better idea?"
"Maybe we can scare them off or something."
"With what?"
Lavender glanced around the small room. There was plenty of things in here they could work with. Most of the furniture was old and rotten, but some of it had a metal structure.
"We build something."