Chapter 17: Lady Catherine's POV: Anticipation and Disappointment

When Mr. Bennet kissed my wrist, there in the music room while Georgiana played, I was reminded of when I was yet a girl and kissed my own hand and arm, imagining what it would be like for a man to kiss me in that fashion. Although I had been married for more than fifteen years, Mr. de Bourgh had never kissed any part of me save for my lips and cheek, and once my forehead following a particularly difficult birth.

My breath caught, I felt a stir of desire. It was most alluring and most bold of Mr. Bennet, right there where anyone might see, during the light of day, to kiss me beneath my glove. All the conversation I had intended to speak (which was why I had been so anxious to get him alone) left my mind and I felt my face warm in a mixture of embarrassment and want.

However, soon enough I withdrew my hand so that I could regain the presence of mind I needed to have my wits about me when speaking with him. Seeing Mr. Bennet's disappointment, I quickly reassured him, "That was delightful but entirely too distracting. I wish to talk to you about several things, things that should be said and worked out."

He drew back so that he was merely sitting near me again. I felt bereft and wondered how it was possible after such a short period of intimate association to miss his closeness.

I told Mr. Bennet, "First of all, I know I have been remiss in never truly apologizing to Mrs. Darcy and so I wish you to know that I will do it forthwith as I should have done long ago. She has been very kind to me and I wish her to not regret that I am to be her father's wife."

"You will be as her mother," he gently corrected. "You will be as mother to all of my daughters, grandmother to all of their children. In time my children might call you mother but whether or not they do, you will be family to them all."

"Mother," I repeated, savoring the word, "Grandmother," I let the word flow out my lips. Those words sounded sweet, a balm to my heartache of having lost all of my children. I knew I was still a mother even if all of my children were gone, even Anne who I succeeded the longest in keeping with me, who I could still see vividly without the need to resort to viewing her portrait, who still visited me in my dreams. But I also knew that I needed to be needed, if at all possible.

"I have less in the way of relations to offer you, Mr. Bennet," I told him. "My nephew Darcy is already your son, my other relations his cousins. But you can and will be godfather to your cousin Mr. Collins's children. They have never had a godfather."

I felt this a sufficient prelude to add, "Perhaps we should have discussed the matter already, but I am determined that despite our marriage I should keep that which is mine and when that day comes that I am gone, it shall go as I have planned. Darcy and Georgiana have no need of it, neither does my nephew the earl, nor his sister. I have thought of doing something more to benefit my other nephew, Fitzwilliam, but as he married very well as he had always intended (and fortunately enough for him love followed the union), he is tolerably set to continue living in the manner that the son of an earl expects. My current will leaves my family but tokens with the bulk to benefit Mrs. Collins during her life and, thereafter, to the Collins children in the manner she shall designate. Given Mrs. Collins's fecundity, I imagine that even with their thrift that they have not saved so very much against when Mr. Collins should pass, and while Billy shall eventually gain your estate what would the others have? I imagine you have made arrangements to gift what is yours to give in favor of your own children."

"As for being godfather, I will serve if they will have me," he confirmed. "I do not seek any financial benefit in marrying you. Truly my married daughters lack for nothing but Lydia. I have made but token provisions for all of my daughters (a few special books for my Lizzy, the miniature of Fanny for Lydia, things of that nature) but Darcy is administer of a trust for the Wickham children as the Wickhams are spendthrift. But there is something else we must discuss."

His voice had turned solemn and I felt a bit of fear in my belly. "Yes?"

In a stern voice he began, "No more of this Mr. Bennet business." And then in a lighter tone, "I am Thomas, or better yet call me Tom."

I considered whether I could make a similar concession with my name. Lady Catherine had been my appellation since childhood and survived my marriage and widowhood. Although I had at times called Mr. de Bourgh "Lewis," I had never offered to let him be more familiar with me. He had always addressed me properly, save for in the bedroom when he simply called me "wife." When Mr. de Bourgh called me that, it did not give me the feeling of being beloved, but of being simply a convenient role, interchangeable with anyone else he could have married, who did her duty in accepting his seed. I considered letting Mr. Bennet, Thomas, call me simply "Catherine," but I shared that name with his daughter and that might make it awkward indeed.

"You need not reciprocate," Tom told me gently, apparently able to read all my thoughts. "I will continue to call you Lady Catherine in this house, give appropriate deference to your rank, save when we are alone. At such times I hope I am not being too bold to address you with more affectionate terms . . ." I nodded, and he added in a whisper, ". . . my love."

I felt my heart swell with happiness. The young woman I was so many years ago, who had dreamed of finding love, was filled with hope. Without any conscious volition on my part, I reached for him, but he did not take my hand.

"Are you done talking already?" He asked with a teasing tone.

I recollected myself and said, "No. I should like to discuss our future sleeping arrangements. I have decided opinions about the matter but I do not know if they align with your own." I was quiet then, hoping desperately that I would not be left to sleep solo. I would ask for what I wanted, but I had the sense that Tom was not someone who would simply defer if he was truly opposed to something.

Tom glanced at Georgiana and I did as well. Her back was to us and she was still well occupied with playing a difficult piece and showed no sign of even realizing we still remained in the room. He quickly scanned the room to make sure that save for her we were still alone.

Looking ahead, in the general direction of the door and Georgiana, Tom commented, "Maybe you welcomed my attentions but do not enjoy the marital act. I understand that is how it is for some. I suppose we need not do that, if you are opposed. Although I do think I am knowledgeable enough to provide pleasure to us both and would wish to have a true marriage, I will take only what you freely offer me."

"No that is not it at all!"

Tom then turned to me and smirked and I understood then that he spoke half in jest, to tease and to needle, but perhaps half to protect himself as well.

"Rather than occupy two chambers and wait for you to visit, well I would rather sleep together in the same bed." Tom looked at me with a rather dumbfounded expression until I added, trying my best to sound blase as I deliberately raised one eyebrow, "It is rather more convenient, do you not think?"

"Quite," her replied, his eyes traversing my body in a manner that felt quite lascivious. Perhaps this should have disgusted me, but all that I could think was, Tom wants me!

"I hope you are up for that," I added cheekily.

Hi face clouded slightly and he responded stiffly, "As men get older, sometimes things do not work as easily. This is not about lack of desire, but the nature of age."

I did reach out for him then with one hand and gently rested it upon his arm. I did not speak until his eyes met mine. "Tom, I simply want to be close to you, to have a marriage that is about the both of us, rather than lie awake wondering when you might come, to have our interactions be all about the fulfillment of your desires and never my own, to be a vessel and nothing more. I had quite enough of that with Mr. de Bourgh."

Tom reached over and placed his other hand over my own. "I will do all I can to make sure you never feel that way again. You are precious to me, beloved, and I will do all I can to be the husband that you deserve."

He seemed so earnest, so genuine, that I felt on the verge of weeping (with joy and relief). It was too much, too much when we were in the room with Georgiana.

I turned my eyes from Tom's eyes, struggling to maintain appropriate control and decorum. "Naturally I will not oppose the Darcys if they wish to give us joined chambers. I will take what is our due and I am sure it will be more comfortable for Dawson and your man to not have to dress us in front of each other. I think I wish to seek Mrs. Darcy out now and apologize properly." Before he could respond, I swept out of the room.

Before I went far down the hall, I swiped at the tears of relief and joy that had spilled down my face. I took the time to compose myself before I sought out Mrs. Darcy. I might no longer be mistress of Rosings, but I would always be the daughter of an earl and I needed to uphold my dignity.

I found Mrs. Darcy in the nursery and asked if I might speak to her without the staff. She immediately sent the nurse and nursery maid away. I explained I had been remiss and then offered my apology for seeking to prevent her from marrying Darcy, and for the vicious things I wrote to him after he told me they were to be married.

Mrs. Darcy gave a little sigh and then told me, "Lady Catherine, first of all I must say I am relieved."

"How so?" I was flummoxed.

"You may think it unthinkable, but I had the momentary fear that you were meeting with me to tell me that you had second thoughts about marrying my father and were hoping that I would break the news to him for you. He has been so happy, happier than, well I cannot even say since when, and I was already considering what such news would do to him."

"No, he shall not get rid of me, at least not so easily as me renouncing our understanding. I quite intent to hold him to his offer; I want to marry Mr. Bennet, very much so. My marriage to Mr. de Bourgh was a convenient one and although I adored my children, otherwise the marriage was not a happy one for he always held me at arms length, was never willing to trust me with his heart."

"I am sorry," Mrs. Darcy offered. "And I am most willing to accept your apology, although I have long ago forgiven you. When you first came to live at Pemberley, do you not recall our earlier interactions? I felt then that you apologized quite as much as you were able, without admitting that you were wrong. I have long ceased to dwell on those past unpleasant times. Now tell me, has my father asked for you to call him Tom?"

"Yes, Mrs. Darcy, yes he has. It will take some getting used to, to always call him Tom, but I rather like it."

"Well, now, if my papa is to be Tom to you, I can hardly have you calling me Mrs. Darcy, now can I?"

"Why ever not?" I opposed. "I still call Mr. and Mrs. Collins, Mr. and Mrs. Collins."

"Yes, but we are family and to soon be doubly so. You address your nephews by their surnames without the Mr., and your nieces by their first names. You call my daughter Janey. As you niece and soon to be daughter by marriage, do I not merit being called by my Christian name? Can I not be Elizabeth to you?"

What could I do but agree? Elizabeth was far kinder to me than I deserved. Afterwards she took me around to look at possible chambers for us. After seeing several I asked, "Do you not think that Tom should have some say in this all?"

"Do you not know my father? Like most men, he has very little interest in these sorts of things, his main interest will be to make sure that you are pleased. However, if you come to find yourself debating between a couple of options, then will be soon enough to let him express any opinions he may have."

There was a set of rooms in one corner of Pemberley which, while not furnished to my tastes, had a lovely view of the rose garden my sister planted. Then there was another set of rooms which faced the stables, but had a fine fireplace and carved inlaid shelves and cupboards. I found myself admiring the dark wood and trailing my fingers along it, but this room was too near to Georgiana's room and I was afraid that certain sounds might carry.

"Well, if these will not suit, I have another option," Elizabeth told me. We proceeded to the stairs. I counted twenty as we climbed. Trudging up those stairs with my aching knees made me know however marvelous her option was, it would never do, but said nothing. She opened a door wide and told me, "These rooms have not been occupied for fifty years or more, although there are no furnishings we could certainly supply some."

I was immediately drawn to the windows which showed Lambton in the distance, a sight that was not visible from the lower levels, everything laid out in miniature. I regretfully told her, "Tis too many stairs I fear, and as the years march on it will be drudgery. If only this room were elsewhere."

Elizabeth led me back down a different set of stairs, telling me, "I have one more idea. This room was designed as a sitting room, though that is not how it was lately used, but no one uses it for anything anymore. I think we could create an internal door to its adjoining room. With some adjustments, it just might suit."

We walked for a time in the direction of the library, stopping at a door just outside it. I had likely passed that door a thousand times with no curiosity as to what it contained. Elizabeth placed a key into the lock and pulled open the door. The hinges screeched. "Oil hopefully will fix that."

The room was dark, but by the light filtering through the curtains, I could tell it was being used for storage. It was filled with furniture piled atop other furniture, covered by white cloths to keep off the dust. With effort I wound my way through the obstacles to the curtains and pulled them back. There was a row of windows and through it a view of the stream, with Pemberley's forest stretching out behind it. It was a calm view. Once I had more light I was able to see that at the far end of the windows there was a door. I opened it and found to my delight that there was a balcony that extended past the room. I turned back from the windows to look about the room. It was a rather large, with a stone fireplace and hearth surrounded entirely by empty bookcases which were built into the wall.

"Fitzwilliam said he and George took lessons in here and, afterwards, when the weather was fine they would sit out on the balcony and have their tea." She led me out and to the room next door. It, too, was filled with furniture, but it also had a row of windows, with a door at the near end. Elizabeth answered my unvoiced question, "That door leads to the self-same balcony, but otherwise the rooms do not yet communicate. I believe at one time their tutor may have been assigned this room as his own chambers as there is still a bed in here beneath everything else, against that wall."

"It is perfect, Elizabeth. Why did you not show me this one, first?"

"It is far from perfect and we will be doing very well to get the rooms cleaned and some passable furniture arranged in the few days remaining. I do not know that a passage could be added before your wedding day." I did not think that was very much of a problem, but I did not wish to explain why to her.

She had Tom fetched and as I anticipated he was more than happy with the arrangement as books would always be close at hand. I liked that aspect, too, but best of all was the fact that it was located quite far away from the Darcys' and Georgiana's rooms.

The days that followed were difficult to fill. As before, all of the household tried their best to never leave me alone with Tom which was a sort of torture. Once, just once, Elizabeth was summoned about the baby and ended up leaving us alone. The results were somewhat predictable. In a flash, Tom jumped up and closed the door. Before I could think to protest, he pulled me against him and we began kissing each other with abandon and my eyes closed of their own accord.

In short order, I felt Tom's hands running over my face, then neck, then breasts. I will admit, my hands were equally busy. So occupied were we that neither we did not hear the door open or close again, nor footsteps, but I knew right away something was wrong when Tom pulled back. Opening my eyes, I saw that Darcy had him by the shoulders.

"What is the meaning of this, Bennet?" He said in a low roar, wearing his most fearsome face. "Have you taken leave of your senses, pawing at my aunt like a callow youth?"

In his surprise, Tom was silent for a moment, so I entered the breach. "Darcy, I have no idea why you see it as your task to safeguard my virtue. I am older than your mother; I saw you in your nappies. It was not much more than a kiss and we are getting married in two days."

"Madam, you mistake yourself." I saw anger burning in Darcy's eyes and now it was directed at me. "However willing both parties may be, I shall not have rumors that we permit licentious behavior in our home. Think of Georgiana! This of Janey! Think of the Collins children; you are their godmother and if word should get out it will inevitably become exaggerated until it will be said that you were engaging in the marital act right here, on my sofa. You must behave with utmost decorum until you are well and truly married."

I would have protested further, but Tom said, "Beloved, he is right. I was not thinking about all of that. I do not know what has come over me. I, I ought to act with the decorum of my years, and having failed at that, I must remove myself from proximity with you." Tom lept up and I thought he meant to seat himself on a chair yonder, but instead he announced, "I shall remove myself from temptation by leaving. I am decided, I shall go and visit the Bingleys until Friday morning."

"But Tom!"

"Let Bennet do what he should have done when you first became engaged. It is unseemly for an engaged couple to be living under the same roof, but I hope that the matter could be managed given your years." Darcy told me, his voice more measured than before, his face relaxing into ease. "His wishing to safeguard your honor ought to be lauded, not dissuaded.

"Lady Catherine, I will see you at the church." Tom told me. He gave me a formal bow over my gloved hand, dropping a token kiss upon my covered knuckles.

It was evident to me that he would not be moved, so rather than trying to dissuade him I replied, "Very well," and tried not to let my disappointment show.

I fell into a bit of a funk when Tom was gone, realizing that there was something important that I had not had the presence of mind to tell him yet. I knew when I looked at the matter logically that it would not make a difference, but I could not help but be fearful that it would, that the tender expression he shared with me would vanish and be replaced with a look of disgust, when he learned that the hair upon my head was not what I grew myself.