Ciir'sae

I was eating my breakfast the next morning when Ben walked into the dining hall, and I paused, mid chew, to watch him take a seat next to me.

To say he looked like hell would be an understatement.

He wore a high collared, long sleeved black tunic, black slacks, and knee high black boots.

I could tell that his clothing wasn't anything I'd had made for him, so could only assume it was his First Order uniform.

His face was drawn with despair, his eyes sunken in and hallow, and his face peaked, making the scar that crossed it stand out.

It didn't take much to know that he was an absolute wreck.

"What happened?" I asked.

The last time I'd seen him, it was in the hospital, when I'd told him that Rey was gone.

He'd left, against doctor's orders, and went back to the house, growing more frantic with each room he found empty.

The Force had connected them, but she'd asked for space, and I'd watched him crumble before my eyes.

I hadn't thought it was possible, but now he actually looked worse.

"Did you see her?" I asked.

He winced, as if my question had pained him. But, he nodded.

Dread settled into my chest. "She….didn't accept, did she?"

His eyes watered, and he looked down. "No." He said, lowly. "She didn't."

My heart broke for him. He'd been terrified of her rejecting him. And, I'd been so convinced that she loved him that I hadn't even taken his concerns into consideration.

"This is all my fault." I groaned, burying my face in my hands. "I should have never pushed you to tell her."

"No, you were right." He admitted. "I should have told her."

I looked up, and found him still looking down, lost in thought.

"But, I was scared." He brought up a hand to rub his eyes. "I should have never brought her here. Not without her knowing the truth." When he took his hand away, his eyes were wet and red. "But, when we were here, it felt so...real. So right. And I wanted to tell her. But, I didn't want to lose her. So, I was selfish. I kept the most crucial detail of her existence from her because I didn't want her to leave me."

He looked up at me. "But, that's not why she rejected it."

My forehead crinkled. "It wasn't?"

He shook his head. "She rejected it because if she had accepted, she would also be mated to Kylo Ren."

I'd heard stories of who Ben had become, and what he'd done. He'd maimed and tortured and slaughtered countless innocent people at the bidding of his master, Snoke.

I'd known, but it had seemed impolite to bring it up.

And, Rey didn't want to be mated to Ben as long as he was Kylo Ren.

Couldn't say I blamed her.

"So, then, you're going after her." It wasn't a question.

He gave me an incredulous look. "What? No. Did you hear a word of what I just said?"

"Yes." I told him. "She wants Ben and not Kylo, so just denounce the First Order, surrender your title, and go get the girl." I shrugged. "Seems simple enough."

His eyebrows shot up. "Does it?"

"Ben, you love her." I reasoned. "There's no way Kylo Ren is more important than that."

"He's not." He shook his head. "Not even close. But a bounty of twenty thousand credits is still on her head. And, if I gave Hux free reign, he wouldn't stop until he killed her and every single person who's ever joined the Resistance."

He didn't say it, but I knew that included his mother.

I leaned back in my chair. "So, what's the plan? You can't go back-"

"I have to go back, C." He sighed. "I'll do what I did before and just keep Hux occupied with wild banther chases until I can find a way to destroy the First Order from within."

"Wild banther chases?" I asked, flatly. "That's the masterfully calculated plan of Kylo Ren?"

"I don't suppose you have a better one?" He growled.

"Yes!" I said, "Tell them all to kiss your ass and go find Rey."

"Don't you think I want to do that?" He demanded. "Do you think that we'd even be having this conversation if there was the slightest chance that I could do that?"

I didn't answer, and he went on. "I have to go back. Not because I want to, but because Ben Solo cant protect her from the First Order and Kylo Ren can."

"But what does she want?" I wanted to know. "Did she ask you to go back to the First Order to protect her?"

His face clouded but he did not answer.

I took his silence as a 'no'.

"It's not my business-" I started.

"Then don't say anything." He snapped.

I ignored that, and spoke anyway. "I think you're making a mistake."

He snorted.

"You're still deciding what you think is best for her instead of actually listening to what she wants." I explained. "Rey doesn't want or need you to protect her, she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself."

"If I walk away, Hux could send an ambush at any moment. He could hire assassins, bounty hunters, he could send anyone after her." He countered.

"And, she can handle herself." I reminded him.

"I know she can, but she shouldn't have to." His eyes watered again, and his voice shook when he said "She's had to fight her entire life. And if I can give her a life of peace by going back, it's worth it."

I could only stare at him for a long moment, digesting what he'd just said, focusing on the magnitude of his words.

He was willing to sacrifice every ounce of happiness he'd ever had, for the possibility that she would be marginally better without him.

"See," I breathed, and cleared my throat. "Before I thought you were just being stubborn. Now, its clear that you're just being a dumbass."

He shoved himself away from the table, his chair scraping loudly across the floor, and stood up. "I'm not listening to this."

"She's your mate, Ben." I pleaded with him. "A life apart from each other, even a peaceful life, isn't worth it."

He turned to leave, and I shot up, grabbing him by his arm. "You're not only going to torture yourself," I warned. "You're going to destroy her."

Something flashed in his eyes, like I'd struck a nerve. But, be shook his arm free of my grasp. "See you around, C." He said, and walked out of the room.