CHAPTER TWENTY
(BPOV)
I awoke in the morning with a start as Charlie jostled me, his hand outstretched with a cup of coffee in it while my eyes struggled to adjust to the bright light of the early day.
"Bella, it's almost seven. You need to wake up. Time to get moving. Long day ahead of us all." He stated, looking toward Billy who was sitting with a plate of pancakes in his lap. "There's breakfast on the counter in the kitchen if you're hungry. Sue and Leah came over earlier to cook something."
I sat up and reached for the spot on the couch next to me, my hand clutching the cool blanket where Jacob had been hours ago and feeling my heart sink from his absence.
"Where is he?" I asked.
"Jacob's at his house, Bella. He left early to get ready. They need him at the funeral home by nine this morning."
Billy offered to me in reply.
"He's got a lot to do." Charlie added, the dark circles now under his eyes revealing to me that he didn't get all the rest he needed last night.
"We need to get back home and get ready ourselves. I need to get dressed." I hedged, leaning over and wrapping my arms around Billy who seemed to have lost all interest in his stack of pancakes after only a few bites. His color was better but the sadness on his face was still prominent.
"We'll come back Billy and pick you up in about an hour." Charlie sighed to him, as he gestured for me to follow him out to his cruiser.
"Sounds good chief."
Once back home, I showered and tore through my previously abandoned closet. When I had first moved to Maine, I only took what I could stuff into my large suitcase and sent for some of the rest in the weeks that followed, but the majority of my clothes had remained here at Charlies and from what it looked like, he hadn't bothered to pack them away. The room looked surprisingly untouched in some places. My bed was still made and some of my books still on display by my bedside table. I tucked the towel tightly under my arms and began sliding the many hangers over in my search for the right thing to wear. To my dismay, I noticed that most of my dresses were purple or hunter green in color. None of them were black. I sighed heavily as a knock came to the door then, my fathers timid voice calling out to me from the hall.
"Hey, kiddo. I uh- haven't had time to pack away the rest of your things. You know, just in case you wanted to come back and visit. You probably don't have much in there for an occasion like this, so here..."
Charlie's arm pushed through the small crack left in the wooden door, his hand tightly clutching a cream colored garment bag while he waited for me to take it.
I pulled it from his grip and hurriedly unzipped the front to see the sleek black belted dress that was laying within it. My eyes went wide when Charlie tossed in a pair of shoes and matching trench coat to go with it.
"Where did you get this?" I asked, feeling the quality fabric with my trembling fingertips and knowing that it was a designer brand before my gaze lingered on the tag still attached to the side, the price portion of it ripped off, as if it was thought of as a gift when purchased.
"Leah dropped it off for you a few minutes ago. Said she thought you might need it today. Sue was fussing earlier over her not having an appropriate dress for the service today. I think the two of them made a last minute trip to Port Angeles after breakfast this morning. Guess she was thinking of you, too."
I swallowed firmly and pulled the dress from the hanger, my towel dropping as I shimmied into it and turned to see my reflection in the full length mirror still propped by my window. Leah had good taste. Her fashion sense far more developed than I had ever imagined it to be. I smoothed the dress down over my slim curves and tugged at the hem, as I slid the black thigh highs in place and stepped into the heels Charlie had tossed in moments ago.
"Can you please tell Sue to thank Leah for me? It fits perfectly. She really saved me. I had nothing to wear. I owe her." I softly admitted, feeling comfortable in the overall attire and rifling through my old vanity in the hopes I'd left behind some makeup. To my luck, I had missed a few staple cosmetics years ago in my rush to pack and even though all of them were well past expiration, they still did the trick.
A half an hour later, I emerged from the bathroom with my trench coat in tow and headed down the stairs.
Charlie paused with his newly open can of beer mid air when I rounded the corner to the kitchen and looked his way.
"Wow, you clean up real nice kiddo. Must get that from your old man?" He hedged, gesturing to his suit and tie and clean shaven face.
"You look nice, too. Who knows dad, maybe I do get it from you?" I playfully countered, reaching up to fix his crooked tie despite his grumbled huff of irritation with me for doing so.
"I don't think I've seen you with your hair curled since your high school prom?"
I rolled my eyes at this and stepped back from him while he downed the rest of his beer and handed me the keys.
"Yeah, well some memories are best forgotten and I don't always have the time for it. Pen Bay nurses usually go for the bun or ponytail look. We're lucky to get a hot shower and some sleep, let alone do anything else. Do you think it's too much?" I nervously replied, my voice quavering as I began to second guess the choice to put such effort into my appearance.
"No, I think you look perfect. Leah did a great job choosing that for you."
"She did." I readily agreed, slipping my arms into the black trench coat as Charlie thoughtfully held it out for me with a weary expression.
"Hope your mascara is waterproof?"
"It is. Trust me, I've already had to reapply it twice. I can't help but think of Jacob and what he must be feeling this morning."
Charlie placed his hands on my shoulders and slowly turned me around, his look grave when it met mine.
"It's not fair. He said goodbye to his mom in that place and now he's doing the same years later for his wife. I don't think I'll ever understand how this screwed up world works sometimes, but you being here means a lot to him and Billy both."
I nodded and blinked back the emotion that made my throat grow tight.
"I don't know what to say to him, dad. I've seen death. All the time, but this-..." I trailed off at the thought, seeing Charlie nod at me in understanding.
"Altogether different when it's close to home."
"Did you know her well? His Lillian?"
"Yeah, kiddo. I knew her well enough. Billy and I still have dinner at the diner in town every Friday and sometimes, Jake and Lilly would join us. She was lovely in the way that isn't common anymore. She was kind and respectful. She always cared for Billy like he were her own father. Mostly because, in a way, that's what he'd become to her. Peter was never around. Still isn't."
I saw Charlie's face grow hard when he mentioned this last part and met my gaze.
"Jacob told me some of it on the trip back home. I want you to know I'm thankful for you, dad. I love you."
"I love you too, Bella." He replied, his voice carrying with it the emotion that he stubbornly refused to show right now, but I knew would surely come later. Charlie was as tough as nails until it came to those he cared for most. This was where his rugged exterior would slip and he'd let his cop guard down long enough to feel the hurt of whatever had inflicted the same kind of pain on his family. Jacob and Billy were no exception to this.
The temperature gradually dipped closer to freezing and the snow began to fall heavily as we made our way back to the Reservation to collect Billy. He was waiting for us at the door when we showed up and I helped Charlie get him into the back seat while the snow continued to cover the ground in a heavy blanket of pure white.
"The funeral home just called me a minute ago. Jacob was supposed to be there already. They can't reach him. Would you mind stopping by his place up the road so I can check on him? I tried to call Sam but got no answer. Emily said she has Clarissa all ready for the service and she can't reach Jake either."
I looked toward the slight bend in the road up ahead as the unease steadily unfurled itself in my gut from hearing this.
"Dad, why don't you go on ahead with Billy to the funeral home? I can stay back and check on Jacob. I'll catch a ride with him or Sam and Emily in a little while." I offered, giving Billy's outstretched hand a reassuring squeeze as I said this.
"I don't like the idea of leaving you here with no solid ride? I don't want you stranded." Charlie huffed in protest.
"I'll be alright. I promise."
"She knows where the spare key is to Jake's old rabbit. She can always take that into town if needed. The house in unlocked if you need to use the landline." Billy stated, releasing my hand and looking up to Charlie and I.
"Go on ahead. I can take care of myself. I'll see you both there in a few minutes."
With much hesitation, Charlie finally wrapped an arm around me and placed a kiss into my hair before climbing back into his cruiser and motioning for me to follow suit. He soon stopped the car in front of the icy drive that led to Jacobs front porch, his brown eyes leery when they held mine as I got out and headed for the tiny house.
I waved them on and Charlie reluctantly hit the gas as he headed for Forks with Billy still in tow.
I carefully made my way up the narrow path covered in stone that gave way to his front door and knocked, my knuckles lightly tapping on the cold wood as my breath surrounded me in a vapor.
The door was left partially open and when I knocked a second time, the Winter breeze blew harshly around me, whipping my hair wildly in it's frigid hold and pushing Jacobs front door open further.
I called out to him but was met with no reply when I soon stepped inside, my steps timid while the wood flooring creaked under my light footfalls as I went.
A loud crash made me jump when I lifted my head and followed the startling sound further into the house. My breath hitched when I paused just outside of the kitchen then. Jacob stood at the sink, his back turned to me while I gazed down at the disarray of pictures that littered the floor beneath us.
All of them were of Lillian, her smile wide and genuine while she posed with Jacob at various locations. My eyes scanned over the dozens of them as his choked baritone filled the silence.
"I can't find the right picture of her for the service. They want one to frame by her casket but I can't choose the right one or- put together the right collage of them- or...- there's-... she's-...-she's not gone-... I-... this isn't how it was supposed to go-..."
I bent down and gathered them all in my hands, careful not to get my fingerprints on them as I collected each picture and approached him. I held the pile of memories he had with her in my hand when he slowly turned and looked at me.
The stillness of this moment made everything else that was about to take place seem so damn far away. As if he himself were imprisoned somewhere in the space between denial and acceptance of what was. Of what every rigid line and locked muscle in his body refused to let go of because he knew the chances of it collapsing him were far greater than he wanted to admit. Greater than he wanted to acknowledge right now. I stared back at him with an emptiness I couldn't describe, his pain so tangible that I could feel it sink with palpable weight into my own skin as his impossibly dark eyes wordlessly held mine. I saw his hands flex at his sides while he stood there silently trying to work through the hated stages of grief that had only just begun for him. I read it all there in his face as the silence dragged on between us. He was desperately clinging to the hope that Lillian wasn't really gone. That she truly hadn't passed but that she was just out of reach for now. He struggled to even move, the heaviness of this raw hurt starting to show in his limbs as much as it was in his mind right now.
I held out the pictures to him, unable to even begin to find the right damn words to offer him in this moment. The truth was, there was absolutely nothing I could say to take away his pain. He was in a place that many found to be a hell all on its own. The desolate and crushing place that left you feeling so numb that you wondered if you were still breathing and still alive. He was in that place. His grief had already taken on a new face and a new name overnight and I found myself floundering and breathless as I stood there in front of him, unable to help him in the way I longed to.
I feared anything I offered would be in vein and that it wouldn't be able to penetrate the all encompassing anguish that had wrapped itself around him. More than that, I was terrified that it wouldn't work anymore. That the once simplistic nature of our relationship, of the close friendship we'd formed years ago, would offer him no such solace right now.
His loss was far more raw than anything I'd ever known him to face since the passing of his sweet mother and our 'as easy as breathing' closeness, simply wasn't that easy anymore. Not when the very breath he took made him visibly wince in front of me like he had swallowed glass shards and the intake of air itself would cut him deeper with every lungful he forcefully drew in.
Much like someone who couldn't swim and was suddenly thrown overboard a sinking ship without the slightest clue on how to keep herself above water, that's how I felt in this moment with him, how deeply in over my head I was when his hand took hold of the photos.
He was dressed in a sharp black suit and matching tie that he anxiously tugged at. The tight confines of it proving too much for him as he ripped it off with an aggravated huff. His hair was still damp from his shower and his eyes reddened from exhaustion and his tears.
I took a few steps closer and saw him draw in a shaky breath when I timidly reached for his abandoned neck tie and began to fix it for him, being sure I left it loose enough for the choking hold of it not to be as restricting as it was before.
I couldn't stop my hands from trembling as I secured it on the last loop for him, feeling his gaze roam over my face when his warm hands reached up and enclosed mine. I didn't hide the lone tear that slid down my cheek while I whispered the only words I could to him.
"You've always been there for me. You never broke that promise you made all those years ago. You never let me down, Jake. It's my turn to be there in the same way for you or at least try...-"
He held my hands tighter as I took in the lost expression he wore and nodded to the pile of pictures beside him.
I soon reached for them and his face fell in response.
"I can't choose just one."
"Then we bring them all for everyone to see. I'll help you display them on the greeting table. You don't have to choose just the one."
I tucked them in the pocket of my trench coat as he shrugged into his suit jacket, his haunted gaze hollow and empty when he looked my way again.
"I should have been there by now."
"It's okay. They can wait. We can call them on the way and let them know you were delayed from the weather." I replied.
We headed for the door then, his strained words making me pause when I held it open for him.
"I carried her over the threshold of this house last year and I have to hold it together long enough to carry her today. She deserves that from me, Bella. I want to give her everything I have until she's laid to rest. I vowed that to her."
We arrived at the funeral home a short time later to be greeted by the pack, all of them suited up and looking their best as they waited for Jacob by the door. Their faces were filled with the same kind of grief that Jacobs showed. What hurt him, hurt them too.
He pulled the keys from the rabbit and placed them in my hand, his eyes searching mine when I peered his way.
"When this is over, I need you to do me a favor, Bells?"
"Anything...-" I tearfully replied.
"I need you to take Clarissa with you to Billy's. I need to know she's safe there cause I won't be able to fight the change anymore. Can you do that for me? Please?" He asked, his fingers slipping through mine as he waited for my answer.
"Yes, of course I'll take her to your dad."
"Thank you."
With those final words, we got out and made our way to the place where he would carry his Lillian for the last time.
A/N: Sorry for the horrible delay in posting a new update! Hope you enjoyed reading this. It was a hard and heavy chapter to write. Look for another post tomorrow! This time... it will be there for you! Please leave a review and thank you all for reading! :-)