Chapter Twenty-Two

Ruth does not actually do any shopping. She just drives around Lynn and lets her mind wander. There are a lot of thoughts dancing around, lots of things to figure out, lots of things to haunt her.

She's glad Kate isn't around. She can't think about herself when her daughter is with her. That's the way of being a mum, isn't it? Ruth knows she's not the world's greatest mother, but she does alright. Kate is safe and happy and developing well, she thinks. And there's probably more Ruth could or should be doing for her. But Ruth has also come to understand that she cannot be a good mother to Kate if she isn't giving herself anything. She wants to show Kate a model of how to be a strong and successful woman. Not that Ruth feels like either of those things. But she's got her job, which she loves, and she's really quite good at it. And even though Kate is at the age where Disney is the best thing in the universe, Ruth knows she's not going to let her daughter grow up to be a princess who is waiting to be saved. That's not what Galloway girls do.

Ruth gives a slightly snorting scoff at that. Galloway girls, what a thing. Though Kate is a Galloway. Kate Scarlett Galloway, the name Kate had proudly told Laura and Rebecca when she met them. When she was born, Ruth had no intention of giving her any name but Galloway. And she never regretted it for a single minute. Obviously, at the time, she couldn't have been called Kate Nelson. He would have liked that, though. He's old-fashioned that way. If things had been different, if he hadn't been married and if Ruth and he had been more than an emotional catharsis of a one-night stand, he probably would have fought for having his name on Kate's birth certificate. As it is, Ruth had no choice but to call her Galloway. And she's still glad she did. Kate is hers in every way. Hers and hers alone.

And that's the most difficult thing about this new phase they've entered into. One of them, at any rate. Nelson is a wonderful father and Ruth is glad he loves Kate and wants to be with her. And she of course wants Kate to have a relationship with her father. But at the same time, Ruth has raised Kate on her own. She's Kate's mum and it's just the two of them and Flint out there in the saltmarsh. Just them. And that's how it's always been and how it'll always be. Ruth has never, except in flights of fancy, believed it would be anything else. With Nelson coming around more, with him wanting to be a part of their little two-person family, Ruth cannot help but feel her safe, secure, solitary world being threatened.

That's why she's never been serious about anyone since she's had Kate. She does not want to share Kate with anyone. She does not want to share herself with anyone. She's happy just as she is.

Except she's fantasized about Nelson since the moment she met him.

That's the other problem, of course. She wants him. God, she wants him so bloody much. Nelson is not a perfect man by a long stretch. He's not even perfect for Ruth in a lot of ways. But no other man has ever made her actually want to have someone beside her when she goes to bed and when she wakes up. No other man has ever made her fantasize about getting married. No other man has ever so irrevocably changed her very soul.

Christ, that's a bit too melodramatic, isn't it? But at any rate, that's the root of her problem, she knows. She does not want to sacrifice her familiar life for just anyone. She does not want anyone but Nelson. But why is she so reluctant to let him be with her?

He's told her he wants her. He's shown her he wants her. He's been so incredible with Kate these last few weeks. Not even two weeks, actually. But since that night Michelle left, he's been so communicative, so good about making time for Kate and for her. He's opened up to her and shared with her more than she ever thought he was capable of. She's gotten to know him now, better than she could have before. And he's gotten to know her, she thinks. She hopes. And getting to know her does not seem to have scared him off.

Nelson's even gone so far as to tell his daughters about her and about Kate. From what little he's told her, Ruth knows it was not an easy conversation. She knows they must have hurt him very deeply. And how is it that his daughters hurt him in response to finding out about him and Ruth and he still wants to be with her? Surely a lesser man would have run for the hills at that. Ruth has not wanted him to sacrifice his relationship with his daughters on his behalf, but instead of shunning her and Kate and punished them both for leading their father away from their mother, Laura and Rebecca—or at least Rebecca, to be sure—have seemed to have already come around to accepting Ruth and Kate as inevitable facts of their father's life. Had Nelson said something to them? Had he insisted on the girls accepting Ruth and Kate? What had he conveyed to his daughters to cause such a response?

That is something she knows she will have to ask him about, as much as she doesn't want to. She is so wildly insecure when it comes to him—not that she isn't insecure already—but she wishes she could take back the things she'd said in the kitchen. She had let her fears get the better of her, let the words tumble from her mouth as remnants of all that built-up pain over the last five years.

He's done nothing but show her that he wants her, wants Kate, wants them. It's everything she's ever wanted. She knows she wants him. Deep down in her heart, even with all her worries and insecurities, she wants him. She loves him. She's loved him for years. And now that he's offering to make her dreams a reality, why is she so reluctant to let him?

Ruth sighs, making a U-turn at the light to head back towards town to stop and get a cake from that bakery she likes. She knows why she's so reluctant, she just doesn't want to admit it, even to herself. Ruth knows that taking that brave step to letting Nelson be with them would be a dream come true. But if, for whatever reason, things don't work out or Nelson changes his mind, after coming so close to that blissful reality, Ruth knows she cannot survive losing him.

Nelson, meanwhile, has taken his tea into the living room to sit on the sofa with his girls to watch the rest of Frozen. He just watched this with Kate and Ruth the other day, but it's not a bad film. And he's watching it with all three of his daughters. What a thing!

Despite the hole in his chest from that argument with Ruth, Nelson feels his heart grow warm at looking over at his three daughters all sitting together. Laura catches his eye and gives a soft smile at him. Oh she's so beautiful, his Laura. All three of them are gorgeous, but Laura looks the most like Michelle. And Rebecca had been right that, objectively, Michelle is the most beautiful woman in the world. Both she and Laura are slim and blonde and athletic and shine with some kind of ethereal glow.

Rebecca, though, she's got darker features—like him—and a mysterious elegance about her that is a beauty all its own. When she was a little girl, Nelson used to think she looked a bit like Elizabeth Taylor in that Lassie movie that used to play on television when he was a child. Rebecca has grown into a feisty girl who, while being very intimidating and brash, possesses a kind of strength and confidence that Nelson is immensely proud of.

And between Laura and Rebecca sits little Katie. Oh she's a pretty little thing. She's got his hair, he knows. His is mostly gray now, but Kate's has the same curly texture. It's almost exactly the same color as Rebecca's. Looking at her next to his older daughters, he can see more similarities in them. Similarities they've all inherited from him. They've all got the same jawline. Slightly squared off at the chin. And even though Rebecca has her hair down, from where Nelson is sitting, he knows all three girls have the same shaped ears. Strange things to notice, but he is actively looking for those commonalities. He's delighted by what he sees.

He watches Katie turn to Laura and say something too quiet for him to hear. Laura smiles and nods. Katie then turns to Rebecca and presumably says the same thing.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Rebecca answers.

Katie smiles brightly and looks right at him. "Daddy, can I come snuggle with you?"

"'Course you can," he tells her. Jesus, if he'd been happy before, he hadn't known the meaning of it till this moment.

He sits up slightly so Katie can come climb on to his lap. She puts her little legs over the arm of the chair he's in and turns her little head towards the television and rests it on his chest. Nelson wraps his arms around her and presses a kiss to the part of her hair he can reach.

"Did you ask Laura and Rebecca if you could come sit with me?" he asks.

She nods. "I didn't want to leave them without asking. They're so pretty and so nice and I want them to like me, but you're my dad and I like sitting with you."

There's a lump in his throat now. He'd be a monster if such a sweet sentiment didn't nearly bring him to tears. He tries to swallow it back. "I like sitting with you too."

He can feel her smile against him. "You're a good snuggler."

Nelson chuckles slightly. "I love you, Katie," he whispers.

"I love you, too," she replies. "Now shh, this is my favorite part."