Chapter 54: The Same Pain

Carol and Lori hugged for the longest time, and Daryl went around introducing Rick and Judith to Lydia and Luke and finally to baby Lucy. And then they retreated to the kitchen for a few minutes to give Carol and Lori a little time to talk. And when Lori pulled out of the hug, she sat next to Carol on the couch, both women in tears over seeing each other again.

"You look amazing," Lori said softly. "You have a beautiful family."

"So do you," Carol murmured. "Judith's beautiful."

"She is," Lori laughed. "And she's stubborn."

"Like both of her parents," Carol grinned. Lori's gaze lowered for a moment, and Carol reached over to squeeze her hand. "If blood was the only thing that mattered, where would Lydia be today?"

"He's a good dad. I see him with her, and I know he loves her like he loved Carl. But sometimes when I look in his eyes, he looks right through me. She came out just…looking like Shane. There was no question. Rick loves her, but he can't forgive me. I accepted it a long time ago, but we stuck together for the kids. Now that Carl's gone, it's like the wall crumbled down." Her shoulders slumped. "Andrea and Merle are going to let me stay with them for a while. Judith's going to go back and forth between me and Rick, and I think it's better this way. We aren't good for each other anymore."

"You know Andrea's son is…"

"I knew the second I saw him," Lori said with a little smile. "I looked at Andrea, and she looked at me, and while neither of us were each other's favorite person all those years ago, it was like we just knew. We'll tell them."

"You have to have people in this world," Carol said with a nod.

"More now than ever," Lori agreed.

"I'm sorry for everything you've gone through," Carol said gently, squeezing her hand again.

"When I lost Carl, I thought I'd die along with him. I've never felt anything like that before. I never wanted to know that feeling." She shook her head. "He talked about her a lot, you know? Sophia. He always imagined her growing up like him, what they'd be doing."

"I still imagine that," Carol said softly. "We talk to the kids about her. We want them to know their sister."

"Luke," Lori said softly. "He looks so much like her."

"I know," Carol smiled. "Takes my breath away sometimes."

"You have so much here. "

"We have more now," Carol offered with a smile. "Come Spring, we'll have to start building and expanding. Who knows, we may have a whole town by the time we're grandparents."

"Grandparents," Lori balked. "Oh now that's something to think about." Carol laughed, and she peered over at the bassinet.

"I still can't believe everything that's happened," Carol sighed. "The world before was nothing but pain. The only good thing about it was Sophia. And then the farm went down, and Daryl and I had to rely on each other. And then Lydia came along." She shook her head. "Sometimes I wonder if we'd have all this if we hadn't found Lydia. Sometimes I wonder if Daryl and I would still be walking on eggshells around each other."

"The way he looks at you?" Lori started. "He's looked at you that way since the CDC I think. Maybe before. It was always there, even more so at the farm. I just think he didn't quite know what to say or do, especially given everything you'd been through with Ed and Sophia. I think, even if you hadn't found Lydia, the two of you still would have found this." Lori gestured around, nodding at Lucy. "If anybody deserves something good in this world, it's the two of you."

"All of us. I like to think we survived for a reason. We learned how to be the kind of people we need to be." She looked toward the kitchen. "How's Rick doing with all of this?"

"He's tired. He was desperately trying to hold it together back in Alexandria. Losing Carl tipped him over the edge, and that's when Jesus and Aaron sort of took over." She sighed. "You know, when we got back into Georgia, he turned and looked at me, and he said 'maybe this time, someone else can be the hero.' And I just looked at him. He put so much on himself from the start. First it was about me and Carl, finding us. Then it was about Merle. Then Sophia. He always had something to do, something to fix, someone to save. And then the one person he tried so hard to protect was gone, and I think it aged him about ten years. So if you're worried he's going to want to take over, I don't think that's him anymore. Losing Carl knocked the wind out of him. I think he really just wants to grow old and watch his daughter grow up and grow into who she's supposed to be in this world."

"Lori." Lori looked up to meet Carol's gaze. "How are you?"

"I'm trying to hold it together," she admitted as she blinked back tears. "I had to. Someone had to." She took a shaking breath. "Judith still asks about him. I don't know what to tell her most days. She still doesn't quite understand. We tried to protect her form a lot of it, and thank God she doesn't remember everything we went through out on the road before Alexandria. But I remember. And I remember everything before. But some days…some days I almost can't see his face in my mind. I remember how soft and smooth his skin was the day he was born. I remember his laugh and how he used to like peanut butter on pancakes, even though I made the worst pancakes you could imagine." Carol grinned at that. "But some days, I can't even remember his face." A tear slipped down her cheek. "I would go and sit by his grave almost every day. And I could see him so clearly. And I can't do that now. Last night, I woke up in a panic, and all I wanted to do was go sit by his grave and tell him how much I miss him, and I can't do that."

"I know," Carol said softly. "Believe me. It doesn't get easier. You just learn to live with it. And sometimes, when you think about him, you'll find yourself smiling or laughing at a memory. You'll feel guilty at first, but then you'll realize that he wouldn't want you to. It's ok to laugh again. To smile. I never knew I'd love Lydia as much as I did, but that first night I knew I was supposed to be her mom. And then Luke came along. Now Lucy. I'm happy. I miss Sophia every day, but I'm happy. I'm still here, and I still remember her, and I can live with that."

Lori gasped softly and sniffled, wiping back her tears.

"Thank you," she choked out. "It feels good to have someone to talk to. I just hate that it's something we have in common."

"I know," Carol said quietly. "But I'm here. Anytime you need to talk. I'm here."

"Thank you," Lori sniffled. She stood then and made her way over to the bassinet to peer down at Lucy. "You look just like your mama, you know that? Hmm?" Carol smiled as she watched her friend fawn over the little one. When Lori straightened up, she turned. "I'm going to go check on Judith."

"Alright." She stood slowly and moved across the room to give Lori a proper hug. When Lori disappeared into the kitchen, Daryl came walking back out.

"You ok?" he asked, moving across the room and pulling her into a hug.

"Mmm," she murmured. "Seeing them just brings back a lot of memories."

"I know," he said quietly. "For me, too."

"Daryl?"

"There's something I need to do. Not right away, but maybe in the spring."

"Alright," he said slowly.

"I want you to do it with me."

"I'll do anything with you," he promised. "You know that." Carol smiled then and hugged him again.

"I know." When she pulled back, she sniffled. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He pulled her in for a soft kiss before the sound of boots on the hardwood floor distracted them. Carol pulled out of the kiss and looked to see Rick standing in the doorway.

"Sorry," he said quietly. "Didn't mean to interrupt."

"Hey, come here," Carol urged, holding her arms out. Rick crossed the room and pulled her into a hug. Carol sighed and smiled when she pulled back, and she put her hand on Rick's arm.

"It's so good to have you here. Come sit down." Carol moved to sit on the couch. Daryl sat next to her, while Rick took a seat across the coffee table from them. "How are you?"

"Better, I think," he admitted. "Some days, I'm not sure, but today's the first time in a long time I woke up and felt like me. Maybe it's being back in Georgia. I don't know. Maybe it's relief. Judith's safe. We're here. Everybody can start re-building." He looked to Daryl. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate your letting us stay here. There's a lot of history, I know."

"History?" Daryl asked. "We all saw what went down at Hershel's farm. We got separated. It happens. Ain't nothin' we can do to change that."

"Daryl's right," Carol said quietly. "It doesn't matter what happened. We're family. We're all together now, and we need to try to keep it that way. We've been building something here. First it was all for Lydia. For our family. But then Merle came along. Then Negan. And slowly, over time, we let people in. This is the place our kids and grandkids are going to inherit. We need to make it bigger and better so they can continue to grow and keep this place going long after we're gone." Rick nodded then, running his hand over the back of his neck.

"Losing Carl took a part of me I don't think I'll ever get back," Rick started. "When this whole thing started, I woke up in that hospital "Losing Carl took a part of me I don't think I'll ever get back," Rick started. "When this whole thing started, I woke up in that hospital bed thinking about one thing: my family. Getting back to them. And Carol, when Sophia went into those woods, all I could think about was how I'd lose my mind if it was Carl." He looked down. "She was scared out there, and you had every right to say the things you said when we came out of those woods without her."

"No," Carol said quietly, her voice cracking.

"I have to say this." He shook his head. "I left her in those woods. I thought she'd be ok if she listened, but I didn't account for her panicking. I didn't account for anything. I just wanted to get back to the group, to my son, and I wanted everything to be alright. And when I came back to the place I left her, I thought she listened. I thought she got back to you somehow. I'm so sorry I left her. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have done things different. I could have gotten her out of there, away from those walkers." He looked up to see Carol brushing tears from her cheek. Daryl leaned over to pull his arm around his wife. "I should have looked harder for her. After Carl got shot, I just…I shut down. I couldn't think, and I'm grateful Daryl was there. But it was my responsibility. I'm the one that left her. I should have gone."

"Your family comes first," Carol said with a nod. "We had no idea where she was. And Carl was very much alive and needed his dad."

"Don't make excuses. I left her. There's nothing I can say or do to make up for that. All I can say is I'm sorry. She'd still be here if it wasn't for me."

"We don't change the past. We learn from it. You went back to look for her. You did. You tried when you could, and I saw that. And I'm sorry you know the same pain that I do now."

"This world's trying to kill all of us," Daryl added. "We know more now than we did then. All we can do is try to push back against it and keep going. We done that here. We're still doin' it."

"You're doing something right," Rick said with a nod.

"I could use your help with things," Daryl offered. Rick chuckled to himself and cleared his throat, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. Then he shook his head.

"I think I'll leave that to you, brother. I'm retired." Daryl looked at Carol then and back to Rick. "I just want to raise my daughter and teach her all the things I wish I knew when everything happened. I'll contribute. Of course, I'll earn my keep. I just can't make the calls anymore. I can't take losing one more person under my watch."

"Alright," Daryl agreed with a nod. "We got a good thing going here. Me, Carol, Merle, Negan. We keep things going. You need anything, you just ask."

"I appreciate that."

"Remember," Carol said softly, "this is for the kids. Without them, this place belongs to the dead. They're why we do this. They're why we fight and sweat and struggle. There has to be something left for them when we're gone. We do it for them."

Author's Note: Alright, guys. One more chapter! I thank you all for the kind and encouraging feedback! I hope you've enjoyed the story! Stick around, one more to go! Thanks!