A/N: I don't know where the idea for this one came from- I just wanted some Sonny drama and Amanda/Sonny friendship. Friendship-fluff, is that a thing? I've had it partially finished for a couple weeks, but then after hearing Peter on the podcast last week, I figured I should get it posted.

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KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Amanda looked at her watch, wondering who would be knocking on her door at this hour. She muted the TV and listened for a second before standing up and starting towards the door.

"Hey Rollins? It's me." She sighed with relief at the familiar voice and opened the door. It was weird seeing Sonny in casual clothes, jeans and a hoodie, and she was always surprised at how young he looked. He also looked…sad.

"Carisi? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?" She stepped aside and Sonny entered the apartment, "I thought you had a date tonight?" she asked.

He scoffed, "Yeah, me too." He walked straight to the fridge and grabbed a beer, silently offering one to the blonde. She declined with a small shake of her head and took a seat on her couch. He popped the top of the bottle and took a long drink, tossed the bottle cap in the garbage, then joined Amanda on the couch.

"So…your date? Spill it," Amanda sat cross-legged on the couch and pulled a throw pillow onto her lap. Sonny saw the eagerness in her face-a look he usually saw when she was getting ready to binge her favorite reality show. "I haven't had a date in months… I'm living vicariously through you," she explained, "Details. Is she cute?"

Sonny nodded, took another long drink from the bottle and then sighed, "She's smart, funny… goes to church every Sunday."

"Oooh, the trifecta," Amanda paused as she watched the smile disappear from her partner's face. She dropped her gaze to give Sonny a moment to collect his thoughts. "So… the real question is: why are you on the couch with me, instead of in bed with her?"

Sonny stared at the still muted TV, "Turns out her husband didn't want extra company tonight."

"No…." Amanda leaned forward, "She's married?"

"Yep," he took another drink and nodded slowly. "I guess, in hindsight, there were a couple red-flags I might have missed," he muttered.

"Like a big-ass diamond ring?" she playfully tossed the pillow at Sonny, "Good Lord, Carisi."

"You're not helping, Amanda!" Sonny turned, angry, his eyes wide.

Amanda sat back slowly, "I'm sorry," she said quietly, "I'm sorry. I know how much you liked her."

Sonny nodded again and leaned back, closing his eyes. He was silent for a long moment, "I just… how did I not realize? I didn't… Am I that desperate?" he asked softly.

"Oh, Sonny…" Amanda shifted to her knees and inched forward until she was close enough to reach out and put her hand on her partner's shoulder, "You're not."

He turned at her touch and the pain in his eyes was unbearable, "I just… I want it so much it hurts," he brought his hand to his chest and closed his eyes again.

"What do you want?" she asked, not quite understanding where this conversation was going, "Sonny?" She watched his chest rise and fall as he took deep breaths, trying to center himself. "Sonny, talk to me."

"A wife!" he yelled, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "kids… the fucking white picket fence… all of it," he lowered his voice, "all of it… I'm tired of walking into an empty apartment every night. I want birthday parties and camping trips and parent-teacher conferences…and…and…high school graduations… Mostly, I just want someone who cares that I made it home after another shift."

"I'm sorry, Sonny… I didn't-" Amanda paused, "I don't…" she sighed, unable to find something to say that could comfort her partner.

"You don't have to say anything, Amanda. I know you don't understand. And I know I sound crazy, I just…" he shrugged, "This just isn't how I pictured my life, ya know?"

"Tell me about it," Amanda headed to the fridge, "Want another one?"

"I shouldn't. I might have had a couple drinks before heading over here," he admitted.

"I figured. You don't generally drop f-bombs while you're sober," Amanda grinned and settled in next to Sonny again.

"You know me so well," he commented dryly.

"Not well enough, apparently. But for what it's worth, I'm really glad when you make it through a shift unscathed," Sonny rolled his eyes but smiled, "but really? Camping trips and parent-teacher conferences?"

"You know me so well… You know what I meant."

"You worry about them all the time," Amanda said softly, "You're gonna have to deal with bullying… their first broken heart… injuries and illnesses… And then you just pray that they don't do the same stupid shit you did when you were a teenager."

"Hey! I was a good kid!" he protested, "Look, I know it's not all easy, Amanda. There will be days I will be completely overwhelmed, I know that. But still- I want it all. The good and the bad. Every experience."

As if on cue, a shrill shriek came from the bedroom. Amanda looked at her watch, "Every experience, huh?" and nodded towards the noise, rolling her eyes, "even the ones at midnight?"

Sonny laughed, "Yes, even those," he started to stand, "I'll get her."

"Sonny, stop, you don't have to…"

"Please?" Amanda nodded and Sonny disappeared into the bedroom. She snagged a bottle from the fridge and warmed it. When it was an appropriate temperature, she took it to the bedroom but paused in the doorway. Sonny was sitting in the rocking chair with Jesse snuggled against his chest and her head resting on his shoulder. He rocked gently, reading to her softly. She leaned against the door frame and smiled. "Are you going to bring that over here, or are you going to let her starve?"

"She eats like, every four hours. I assure you, she's not going to starve," Amanda walked over and handed Sonny the bottle. Sonny offered the bottle, Amanda watched as her daughter accepted it eagerly and, after a few minutes, the girl's eyelids started to droop as she fell back asleep. Amanda took the near-empty bottle and started to head back to the kitchen. She turned at the doorway, "Hey… I know it's not the same, but 'Uncle Sonny' is a good look on you."

He grinned, "It's not the same, but it's okay… for now."

"You're gonna be a good dad, Sonny. I mean, I don't know what we would do without you."

Sonny laughed, "You would both starve. Hey, can I stay a little longer?" he held up the book, "We're only half done."

"Of course. But if I fall asleep, you're on the hook for her four am feeding and diaper change," Amanda warned gleefully.

"Deal."

Amanda settled back on the couch and drifted off as she listened to Sunny read.