Disclaimer: I do not own Arrowverse or anything else you may recognize
Just a hilarious idea I got after a conversation with adam199118.
The character flaws here are exaggerated as hell, but that's what makes it funny.
Apokolips
Sitting on his throne, the Dark Lord of Apokolips, Darkseid, sat, deep in thought.
The Crisis of Infinite Earths had come and gone. The Monitor and the Anti-Monitor were both gone.
While the Anti-Monitor looked like some cheap burnt moron in a life support suit, he was one of the few people who could kill Darkseid.
So with him gone, Darkseid was the most powerful being in existence.
He had hid in his own dimension to avoid Anti-Monitor from erasing him as well, and after the Spectre and the Paragons had defeated him, Darkseid had come back to the newly formed Multiverse, with plans of conquest.
First on his list was Earth-Prime, which he would enslave. Being the main Earth in this new reality, surely it had to be the most powerful one, with an army of legendary superheroes, especially since almost all of the Paragons were from this Earth.
Darkseid decided to see them for himself, and how powerful they really were.
So he conjured up a projection to see the legendary superheroes for himself.
The first one he saw was Barry Allen in S.T.A.R. Labs in Central City. He and his team were talking to one Iris West.
"So, honey, you know you have to bring me ice cream, right?" Iris asked.
"Yes, honey", Barry said submissively.
"And Caitlin, you run the tests on that body. Wait! I ran them already and the blood group is O positive", Iris said.
"All right, Iris", Caitlin said.
"And Cisco, I managed to fix the problem with our breaches", Iris said.
"Oh yeah!" Cisco said happily. "Thank you Iris. I knew you could solve it."
"Journalist of CCPN and the Flash's wife, of course I can do anything", Iris said before telling Barry. "Oh! And you need to stop a meta-human who is rampaging."
"Yes honey", Barry said submissively once more before running out.
"Okay, what?" Darkseid actually said out loud.
"What is it, my lord?" Steppenwolf asked as he walked in.
"Just taking a look at the heroes of Earth-Prime", Darkseid said as Steppenwolf stood next to him.
"How are they?" Steppenwolf asked.
"I thought the Flash was a great hero, but I just saw him take orders from his unqualified wife, along with his team", Darkseid said. "She is just a journalist but is somehow more qualified than them all. I am pretty sure she withholds sex from Flash if he doesn't bow to her whims."
"How pathetic!" Steppenwolf said.
"Agreed", Darkseid said. "Let us see the others."
Then Kara Danvers appeared, facing a criminal who had a man on gunpoint.
"Let him go", Kara said.
"Only if you kill me", the thug said.
"No I won't kill you, I believe in good, you have to let him go", Kara said.
"Okay", the thug said before shooting the guy dead.
"NOOOOOO!" Kara screamed in horror. "Why did you do that?"
"You could have easily stopped me, or killed me if you wanted, why didn't you?" The criminal asked.
"I don't take lives, because that is the right thing to do, even if it means some lives are lost. Because we have a no-kill rule, to which we must live up to", Kara said to the criminal.
Darskeid and Steppenwolf exchanged a look, both actually….cringing, for the first time in their centuries long lives.
"She just let a man die because she believes in not killing?" Steppenwolf wondered incredulously.
"She is self-righteous, believing in principles over saving lives", Darkseid said before Clark appeared on the screen. He was on the ground, writhing in pain due to Green Kryptonite rock near him as his villain laughed hysterically.
Suddenly, Lois Lane appeared and with one flip kick, knocked the criminal out before kicking the Kryptonite away.
Superman sighed in relief as he staggered up and Lois kissed him before saying. "Thank God you're safe."
"And you've saved me again", Clark said. "Maybe you should have my powers."
"Oh trust me, I'd be much more efficient than you, but it would make things too easy", Lois said.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Both Darkseid and Steppenwolf actually laughed hysterically at the scene.
"A Superman saved by his wife, who has shown no skills beyond reporting?" Steppenwolf said before continuing his laughter.
"This Superman and Lois Lane should change their names, as they dishonor the Superman and Lois I met years ago", Darkseid said as a projection of Kate Kane appeared.
"Alice, you hurt innocents, but you're my long lost sister, so I'm gonna let you go, even if it means more people get hurt, because I'm still a hero, unlike Batman", Kate said to Alice who simply walked off.
Kate then leapt down, seeing a woman interact with her boyfriend. Walking up to her, Kate suddenly grabbed and kissed her passionately on the lips.
"Hey! You're sexually assaulting my girlfriend", the boyfriend said as Kate kicked him down while the woman said. "Shut up! She's a woman! Woman don't assault sexually. She's my new girlfriend."
"Yes", Kate said as they kissed again while the boyfriend was flabbergasted.
It was obvious they were gonna have sex on the street, but Darkseid and Steppenwolf didn't get to see it, due to Darkseid having made the illusion disappear.
And then Darkseid, for the first time in his centuries long life, face-palmed.
"What was that?" Steppenwolf asked, obviously traumatized, shaking and close to crying.
"This is Earth-Prime?" Darkseid wondered before slamming his head on the ground many times, wondering what that was. "These idiots were the Paragons who saved the Multiverse?"
"Looks like we could have handled the Anti-Monitor", Steppenwolf said. "So will we attack them?"
"No", Darkseid said. "I don't want to get my hands dirty with filth. This Earth is pathetic. These idiots aren't worth my time. It is too worthless to even consider conquering, with these idiots in it. Trust me, these idiots will waste this golden opportunity and kill their own world with their stupidity. Everyone around them will die from the cringe."
"Agreed", Steppenwolf said as both laughed hysterically.
"Now, I shall return to Earth-167 to have my revenge", Darkseid said as he set his eyes on that Earth once more.
As the fic showed, Arrowverse is so pathetic at this point Darkseid won't even consider conquering it, as it is too pathetic to even consider conquering.
Hope everyone enjoyed and see you all next time with another update. Until then, stay safe from the coronavirus ya all!