Dear Diary
Hi everyone! Just some entries from Natasha's diary from the end of Infinity War up to her demise. Please review and give constructive feedback, it means a lot.
Dear diary,
I don't know why I'm writing this. If Barton gets his hands on this, he'll have a field day. Assuming he's coming back. You're hidden well, though, so chances are unlikely. You might be wondering, why on earth is Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow keeping a diary? Well, half of the population just got snapped to dust, because we lost. That's a new thing. We lost. I keep on looking back, and thinking, what went wrong? What could we of changed? And the worst thing is, it's all our fault. This could've been prevented if we won. If we succeeded, and prevailed against evil like we're destined to do. Supposed to do. The public probably hates us now. I hate me now.
If... now that's the magic word, hey? Everyone's crestfallen, and probably like me, burdened with enormous guilt. Pepper's a mess, we're not sure if Tony survived the snap. We found a signal, and Carol's off to see if it's Stark. I've been avoiding everyone, just sinking into a black hole of guilt and sadness. Survivor's guilt they call it. Anyway's, it's hit us hard. I've been having hallucinations, and my nightmare, on the few nights I can sleep, are no longer about my past, but of everyone disappearing into dust, until I was the only one left. Those are the worst ones. I don't think my late night vodka pity sessions are helping either.
Clint's gone, and we don't know where he is. I need to find him. He's the only anchor I have to this world. He survived, I'm sure. We've been running face traces. No sign of the Bartons, but we'll find them. I don't know what I'll do if I don't. Little Nathaniel, Lila and Cooper, they're so innocent. They can't be gone.
Dear diary,
Tony's back. Clint still hasn't come back. I'm starting to think he abandoned me. But I can't think that. Lose hope, accept defeat, and you've lost. Thanos has used the stones again. We're going to leave in a few days, once Rocket's finished repairing his spaceship. I'm glad for the delay though, as that gives Clint a chance to show up. The rest of the Bartons were snapped. I cried my first tears in twenty years when I heard this. Hid in my room and refused to come out. Childish, I know, but I can't help it. Afterwards, I slipped on my apathetic mask once more, reassuring Steve that I was alright. Why hasn't Clint come back?
The Avengers are a mess. Tony and Steve had a huge fight in the morning when he came back. Stark refuses to join our journey to find Thanos. Well, I'm going to space. That's something to be excited about, I suppose. Never knew I would ever have to become and optimist, that used to be Clint's job. But everyone's wallowing in guilt, so that job falls on me. Every day I go out of my room, place a fake smile on my face, and try to lead the team. I wish I could have the luxury of being a pessimist. Then when night falls, I retreat to my room and either cry, or just look outside, a bottle of vodka in my hands, staring at the moon.
Dear diary,
The stones are destroyed. Thanos is dead. We've just returned to earth. Everyone's gone back to their respective rooms to mope. I'm going to try to arrange for a meeting tomorrow. Somebody needs to lead this rag tag team, and Rogers isn't, so I'll have to take charge. There's no time to be weak. Tony and Pepper have left, once they found out that Pepper's pregnant. They were sneaking out, probably didn't want to make a fuss, but they didn't consider my insomnia.
Banner's also going to leave. Steve's moving back to his apartment in Brooklyn, still mulling over the fact that Bucky's gone. Thor's gone to New Asgard probably planning to drown his sorrows in more alcohol. I don't blame them, honestly. I would leave, but as I said earlier, I'm in the leadership position currently. They've given in, have broken. I refuse to surrender. That's the thing that separated me and Clint from them. We are survivors, always will, always will be. We've been broken and remade so many times, we don't break anymore. Until now. Guess Clint's down as well. I won't. No matter what. Whatever it takes.
The Avengers are back in commission, as I've arranged for Rhodey, Rocket, Carol, Okoye and Nebula, to go around, do what the rest of the Avengers should be doing now. Rhodey's looking for Clint, after I begged him to. I need to know that Clint's out there, safe. Times certainly are changing.
Afterwards, I headed back to my room, and broke down. It's hard to lead these broken people. It's even harder to keep a brave face for them. But I have to carry on my charade. My ledger, which was already overflowing, is bursting with red. One of these days, sometimes, I just want to forget. About everything. I have to try though. To not lose hope.
Dear diary,
We've found Clint. He's been on a murder rampage, killing gang members, terrorists, anyone with a bad name. Rhodey doesn't want me to go after him, but we'll see. For now, I'm continuing to lead our little gang, trying to distract myself from what's going on on the outside world. I've been wiping evidence of Clint going on these killing streaks, because, hey. Whatever happens, he's still my partner. My best friend. Who, despite my better judgement, trust to have my back. No matter what.
My insomnia is catching up on me, and the last time I fell asleep was a month ago. People are noticing, and there's only so much I can cover up with make up. Every night's the same. Go to my room, grab some vodka, climb out of the window and onto the roof. Remember the hallucinations I mentioned in another entry? Well, they're getting worse, and I occasionally flinch, which puzzles everyone further. It's just... they're so real. You, Laura, Lila, Cooper, little Nathanial, Wanda, Vision and everyone else, people I've killed before I became an Avenger, dying before my eyes, shouting, "it's all your fault. You could've prevented this. Your fault."
Where are you Clint? We're family. You promised that you would never leave me. Never betray me. Why?