The First Day
It was the first time I've gone over a day without seeing Bram in weeks. It's been one day and I miss him like crazy. Bram isn't your average, run-of-the-mill boyfriend. He's really something special and I love him more than Harry freaking Potter. I met him at Creekwood High. He anonymously came out on the Tumblr and we became pen pals. And then I got blackmailed and outed by Martin Addison (AKA the most cavernous asshole to ever live). But then he approached me on the tilt-a-whirl and the rest is history. Now he and I are, like, head-over-heels in love with each other. But here's the problem.
Bram got early admission to Columbia. I'm stoked for him and all but I can only imagine all the hot gay guys who are probably there just waiting to steal Bram from me. I can see it now; I surprise him with a visit and walk in on him making out with some frat bro or whatever. I'm going to college in Philly which is a seven hour drive away from Bram. Seven hours. Thank God for technology because he and I definitely need to Skype every day. Most days, twice.
My phone rings in my pocket and it nearly causes me to fall out of my chair.
"You okay, Si?" Leah asks me. She and I are at Waffle House having breakfast. Well actually it's lunch. Or a mid-afternoon snack. Even though it's two o'clock, this is all I have eaten today so it feels like breakfast.
"Yeah," I lie. I'm far from okay. I'm heartbroken. I love Bram so much that it physically hurts me to have to be so far away from him. I know that love is too strong to be broken by something as meaningless as distance but I just miss, you know?
"Really? Because I've known you for, like, ever and it's never taken you more than twenty minutes to eat a waffle. We've been here an hour and you've barely made a dent in it," Leah says. Damn her smartness. Not to mention how jealous I am of her artistic abilities. She draws this incredible manga stuff all the time. She doesn't know this, but I follow her art Tumblr. She thinks that I don't know about it.
"No." I say.
"This is about you missing Bram, huh?" She says through a mouth full of waffles. "Why don't you call? Maybe we can facetime him into breakfast?"
"Okay," I say, pulling my phone out of my pocket. I'd completely forgotten about it ringing just moments before. "Shit. Missed a call from Bram. And a text."
"Call back!" Leah says. And I do immediately. He picks up. Oh, thank God.
"Si!" He sounds so happy. I can't help but blush when I hear him say my name. "Guess what happened to me today?"
"What?" I ask, praying that he wasn't about to say he met some guy or got a hot roommate or something.
"My roommate!" He says. Oh shit.
"What about him?" I ask nonchalantly.
"Actually, it's her. She is so sweet and her name is Mina and guess what?"
"Why don't you just start telling me things so I don't have to guess?"
"Aw, you're too cute," he says, making me blush harder. "But seriously. Mina's girlfriend Cassie is the sister of Molly. And Molly is cousins with Abby."
"You do realize you could have left Molly out and that still would have made sense right?" I laughed jokingly but Bram didn't say anything. "Anyways, that's so cool. Wanna say hi to Leah? We're at WaHo."
"Oh my gosh, yes." He says. I pass the phone over to Leah.
"Hey Bram," Leah smiles at me. I'm awkwardly smiling at Bram's adorableness.
"Yeah...aww...haha right. Okay so I was at school the other day...Huh?...oh right...ok. Yeah, it's cool...Bye." Leah hung up the phone.
"What was that about?" I asked.
"I was telling him about the last day of school prank that Martin pulled but he had to go. Something about orientation."
"Sexual or school introductions?"
"I'm thinking school introductions but he didn't specify," Leah says with a sly wink.
The Second Week Away
The first week without seeing Bram ended leaving me feeling heartbroken and lonely. I have other people to talk to but it's different. Leah is one of my closest friends but it'd be super weird if I started making out with her instead of Bram. I'm a teenage boy. I have needs. And then there's Abby who is Leah's girlfriend. Abby is so chill. So chill that you can hardly have a serious conversation with her. Nick is my other best friend. He's always busy with soccer so there is no chance of a long conversation with him. And that's it. I know other people but I'm just not close enough with any of them. I badly want to call Bram. Just to hear his voice. We didn't speak at all yesterday or the day before. I hate this. I hate being away from him.
"Ugh," I say as the phone goes straight to voicemail. I leave a message for him. "Hey, babe. It's Si. Just saying hi. Okay, that's it I guess. So let me know when you get this. I miss you. Mwah!"
I lay down on my bed and shut my eyes. I need some Elliott Smith right now. But not his music. His shirt. I get and start shuffling through my dresser. Most of my clean clothes are in an unfolded pile on the floor but not this shirt. It's too special. Bram gave it to me a little before we started dating and I slept with it under my pillow for a long time. It's not weird, it's sweet.
I slid off my shirt and replaced it with the Elliott Smith one. I looked at myself in the mirror. I like it. I really really like it. It might just be the best shirt ever made. Just then, my phone rings and I practically fly over to my desk to answer it. It's Bram. Finally.
"Bram!" I say a little too energetically. It's beyond exciting to hear his voice after all this time. I guess all this time is only a few days but still.
"Hey, sorry I missed your call. I was at the beach with Mina and Cassie."
"Oh," I say. "You guys are, like, friends now?"
"Yeah."
"Cool. So when do you think I can see you? Do you have any time this weekend? I'm free so maybe I can drive up there. And maybe Abby will come and she can see her cousins and stuff."
"Yes! Please come this weekend! I miss kissing you," he says. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who misses that.
"Okay cool. So I'll drive up Friday?"
"Sounds great Babe. See you then. Mwah!" Bram hangs up the phone. I called Abby so see if she could come with me.
"Hey Simon," she says.
"Want to take a trip with me this weekend? I'm going up to Columbia to visit Bram and apparently Cassie and Mina go to school there."
"Yeah, sounds great. Should I meet you at your house on Friday morning so we can drive during the day?"
"Yeah, like noon." I say.
"Okay. I have to go. Leah's calling." She says. Abby hangs up the phone. Leah and Abby are one of those couples where they are almost always too busy to see each other in person but Skype for multiple hours everyday. I wish Bram and I Skyped that much. Or at all frankly.
Arriving At Columbia
Abby and I drove all day. It didn't feel that long though.
"Do I look okay?" I ask Abby.
"Aw, it's so cute that you worry about looking good for Bram."
"Seriously! I haven't seen him in more than two weeks and I don't want to look stupid."
Abby licks her thumb and runs it across the side of my face. "Now you're perfect."
"What was that for?" I ask.
"I don't know. People just do it in movies." She gets out of the car and motions for me to do the same. I do. I look up Columbia. It's so surreal to know that Bram and I don't go to the same school anymore. Seeing his new school makes it feel all the more real. And I hate that.
"Simon!" I turn to see Bram running out from school.
"Hey!" I say. He's so fucking cute that it hurts to look at him. He runs up and throws his arms around me. "Hey what's-" He cuts me off with a kiss.
"Hi," he says. "I missed you."
"I missed you too."
"Uh...hello? Where's my kiss?" Abby says jokingly. Bram walks over and hugs her and then kisses her cheek.
"Hey Abby. I missed you too." Bram says.
"Don't get all sappy," Abby laughs. "But I missed you too."
"Do you want to hang with Cassie and Mina?" Bram asks.
"Yeah. Where are they?" Abby pulls out her phone. "Oh, never mind. She texted me. She say's she'll be down in a few minutes. So you and Si go have fun."
"'Kay," Bram says, wrapping his arm around me. "Let's take your stuff up." He picks up the black duffel bag from the backseat of my car.
"Actually, that's mine. The pink one is Simon's." Abby laughs at me.
"It's Nora's old bag! Mine is currently in some unknown location so this was the only option." I say.
Bram laughs and takes the pink bag. I suddenly regret being so disorganized that I was unable to find a bag that didn't scream 'gay'. I mean, I'm out and stuff. But I just don't want to go around parading it. I'm not that confident yet. Bram takes my hand and leads me to his dorm room. First of all, it's the cleanest dorm I've ever seen. It has that type of brown carpet and doesn't feel like carpet because it isn't soft. And the walls are white but plastered with soccer posters. Oh, Bram. Mina's side of the room is a blur of blue and purple everything.
"Nice," I say sitting down on Bram's bed. "What do you want to do?"
"Are you hungry? You must have been driving, like, all day." He says sitting next to me. I very badly want to kiss him and I don't know why I'm not.
"I'm okay," I lie. I'm definitely hungry but the only thing I was to taste is Bram's lips. And I'm hardcore blushing now. I can tell that Bram sees me staring at his lips.
"Si?" He asks me. I look up into his eyes. They're brown and very expressive. Not to mention the fact that I'm already way beyond lost in them.
"Yeah?" My voice drops to a whisper. Bram doesn't respond. He just kisses me. And it's light and soft and wonderful. And suddenly he's on his back and I'm on top of him. And we're kissing like it's breathing. And it's better than I could have imagined. It's better than all the times I actually did imagine it.
"I love you," Bram says between kisses.
"I love you more," I say back, kissing him as passionately as I can.
"Not possible."
The First Morning
I wake up on the floor of Bram and Mina's dorm with Abby beside me. I have a feeling we aren't supposed to by staying in dorms at school we don't go to but nobody seemed to notice. I rolled over and saw that Abby was already up and texting Leah.
"Hey Abby." I say.
She turns to me and smiles. "Morning. Want me to say hi to Leah for you?"
"Sure. How was your day with Mina and Cassie? Wait- where is Cassie?"
"It was great. We went shopping for, like, hours. I have enough shoes to last until the end of college. But I also blew about a hundred bucks. Thank God for generous grandparents, am I right?"
I laughed. "Yeah. Why aren't you staying with your cousin?"
"Cassie's dorm is too close to the office and I have a feeling that neither of us are really allowed to be here." Abby says and she winks at me.
A couple of hours later, Mina and Abby have both left to hang out with Cassie and probably to shop some more. Bram and I are the only ones left in the dorm. My stomach growls loudly. I just realized that I haven't eaten in a very long time.
"Hungry?" Bram asks with a smirk. "Here." He tosses me a quest bar. Oreo flavored. And my heart just melts. He really does know me. I tear it open and take a bite.
"Oh my God," I say. "These things are fucking amazing."
"I know, right? I took the liberty of purchasing pretty much every Oreo flavored thing they had at Target. I also borrowed Cassie's sister's set of Harry Potter movies."
"Well aren't we going to have the absolute best weekend together?"
"That we are." Bram says. "So what should we do today? I was thinking Central Park. You know, take a picture at that 'Friends' fountain."
"I've always wanted to do that!" I say.
"Perfect. Let's get going." Bram took a sip from an R2-D2 mug. He isn't an avid Star Wars fan so I'm guessing that it's Mina's. "Oh wait- I got you something." He sets down his cup and shuffles through a chest of drawers beneath his desk. He pulls out a rectangular box with a smiley face sticker on it.
"Bram, you didn't have to." I say, blushing.
"I know I know but I saw this and it totally reminded me of you so I had to get it. Open it," he says. I do. It's a T-shirt. It's not Elliott Smith. Or Harry Potter. It's both. He must have had it custom made.
"Holy crap," I say as I clasp my hand over my mouth.
"Do you love it?" Bram asks.
"Oh my God, are you kidding? I fucking love it," I say. I just put it on right then and there. Bram and I have no boundaries when it comes to nakedness. None at all. "Oh my God. I'm obsessed!"
Bram leans in and kisses me. "How did you get to be so cute?"
"Well, when two people really love each other..." I joke.
"Anyways..." Bram laughs. "Ready for the park?" I nod and we head out the door.
At Central Park
It's weird. Something feels off between Bram and I. It's as if we've forgotten how to talk to each other in the short time since we've been in person together. I love him and I'm sure of that. And I'm pretty sure that he still loves me. But everything just feels a little bit different when you don't see somebody for a long period of time. And not good different. We used to be so touchy and I miss that. I'm not super horny or anything. My fingers just like Bram's fingers. It's love.
"So how's Creekwood doing without me?" Bram asks.
"It's okay," I say squeezing his hand. "It's not the same though. And I miss you."
"I miss you too. When does your college start?"
"A couple weeks. You promise to visit me?"
"Of course." Bram says smiling.
"Good because I'm already planning epic date nights for us in Philly."
"Aw, you're too cute."
A couple hours later, Bram and I are leaning against a tree, our hands intertwined and resting in his lap. I shut my eyes and lay my head on his shoulder. I love just being near him. Just knowing that he's near me makes me feel weirdly comforted. I was just starting to think that this moment couldn't possibly be ruined. But then, I heard somebody calling for me and Bram.
"Simon! Bram!" A voice calls.
Bram and I look around to see who it is. And oh no. Oh hell to the fuck no. It's Martin Addison aka Monkey's Asshole. Just as I'm about to flip him off or something else awful, I hear another voice. And the other voice is Cal. Cal Price. My OG man crush from Sophmore year of high school. I️ have never told anybody about my feelings for Cal. I️ don't tell them anymore but I️ think I'm embarrassed about them somehow. He was the first real guy to trigger my sexual awakening and that means something to me. Bram and I️ can't exactly pretend like we didn't hear them because they saw us so we get up to say hi.
"Hey!" Cal pulls us into a hug and my heart hitches. "What are you two doing here?"
"I️ go to Columbia," says Bram.
"I'm just visiting." I️ say. "Because he's my boyfriend." I️ just have to add that last part. I️ have to make it clear that Bram is the only guy I️ like. Except I️ don't know if that's true.
"Cool," says Martin. "Cal and I️ actually ran into each other and now you! It's a Creekwood reunion."
This is just fucking great. Freaking Cal and his swoopy bangs getting me all confused. I️ love Bram. I️ love Bram. I️ love Bram.
Bram laughs. "That's hilarious." And there's this tone in his voice that's telling me to think of a way out. So I️ do.
"Well, it was nice running into you guys but we have to go." I say. I want to get out of this situation just as much as, if not more, than Bram. I love Bram. Not Cal. Not Cal. Not Cal.
Cal looks at me with pleading eyes. Blue-green pleading eyes. "Where are you going?" Cal's genuine southern accent makes my heart twist.
And I look at Bram who looks just as confused as I do. But then he says, "We have a thing at school. It's an, uh, assembly for freshmen. But it was great to see you guys." Bram steers me away. I can tell he is trying to be nonchalant but it is pretty obvious that he and I both want out of there.
"Thanks, babe. That was so awkward." I say.
"I know!" Bram says. We're back in the car driving to Columbia. He pauses, like he is thinking of what he should say next. "Si?"
"Yeah?"
"I have something to tell you."
The Truth
I looked at Bram, eyes wide open. "Yeah?" I ask.
"Remember how in our emails I told you about that guy at my dad's wedding?"
"The one who triggered your sexual awakening?" I ask. I have a feeling this story isn't going to end in the way that I want it to.
Bram looked down at his hands. "Yeah, so, about him. He isn't the first guy to trigger my sexual awakening."
"What?" Oh fuck. This is far from how I wanted to spend my trip with Bram. Talking about guys who have turned him on. Guys that aren't me.
"I swear, it's the only time that I've ever lied to you." He says. I stay silent so he continues. "It was back near the start of the school year right after we started emailing. I thought that maybe you were Cal."
"No fucking way." Holy shit. My boyfriend and I were both sexual awakened by the same guy. This is completely surreal.
"Si, I'm so sorry!"
"What are you sorry about?" I don't get it. He doesn't like Cal anymore. Wait. "You don't like him now, do you?" Bram pauses.
"No." He says. Thank God. "It just felt weird to be around him. Especially now because we've all gone off to college and now I'm with you."
"But you've been with me for over a year, Bram." I don't know why I say that sort of thing. I hate that I do. "I'm not mad at you. It's fine. And I guess I might as well be honest with you. Since you told me about your Cal thing, I guess I'll tell you about my Cal thing."
"You were sexually awakened by Cal Price too?"
"Not exactly. For me it was Daniel Radcliffe. But I thought that Blue was Cal for a really long time."
"Oh," Bram says. "Ok."
And then we go home.
That night we're both rather quiet. We're eating frozen pizza and watching reruns of House Hunters International. Abby was nowhere to be found. I guess she is still with Mina.
"So I'm going home tomorrow," I say to break the silence. Bram mutes the tv and turns to me. We are both sitting cross legged on the floor, leaning up against the foot of his bed.
"So soon?"
"Yeah." I set down my paper plate on Bram's desk and take a sip of water. "Are we okay?" I hate that I even have to ask.
"I don't know," he says. "I miss us."
"Me too."
"What happened to us? Where's the spark?" Bram says. And I don't even know how to answer. He's totally right. The spark is gone and I don't know how to find it. I don't even know where to start looking.
When It Ended
Later that night, Bram and I broke up. I don't even know how it happened. I've never loved anyone or anything half as much as I love Bram. I still love him. And I'm heartbroken.
"Hey, Si!" Abby says getting into the car. "Mina and I had the best time. She is so sweet! Cassie is so freaking lucky."
"Yeah," I say. I can hardly even focus on what she says. I'm too distracted. I look out the window and see Bram in the corner of my eye watching Abby and I drive away.
"You okay?"
"Bram and I broke up." I say.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Abby has never sounded so shocked.
"No."
"What the hell, Si? What happened?"
"I don't even know. The spark is gone."
"So you gave up? Just like that?"
"Yeah," I say. I mean what happens? Bram is the only guy that I have ever been with. I have no experience with breakups. And the harshness in her voice made the reality of breaking up seem all the more real. Abby pulled over. "What are you doing."
"Calling Bram!" She pulls out her phone and starts dialing.
"What? No!" Too late. The phone was on speaker and it was ringing.
"Hello?" Bram says. He sounds like he's been crying. That makes me feel a little bit better.
"Bram, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Abby yells into the phone. Bram doesn't reply. "Hello? You freaking dumped Simon!"
"Actually," I pipe him. "We both broke up with each other. He didn't dump me."
"Abby, would you mind if I talked with Simon? Alone?" Bram sounds urgent. I miss him already.
Abby shoves her phone into my hand and steps out of the car. We pull into a gas station parking lot. "Here, Si."
"Hi." Bram says.
"Hey." I say.
"So...how are you doing? With the break up?"
"It's been, like, an hour, Babe. Sorry-I'm just used to saying that."
"It's okay. We can still be friends. Right?"
"I don't know," I say. I have never loved anything as much as Bram and I don't want to have to see him if I can't kiss him. If we are just friends, kissing is out of the question. I think it would hurt every time I saw him. Like, a lot of hurt. And I don't see a reason to put myself through that pain."
"Well I know. I know that I love you too much to throw this out so fast. Our spark is gone, so what?"
"So is our relationship. I love you too but if we aren't going to be together, I don't think we can see each other at all. I'm sorry." And I hang up the phone.
A Month Later
It's been a whole month. Thirty full days and I can't believe Bram and I haven't gotten back together. Somehow, I thought our breakup wouldn't be permanent. But it seems to be. Last night, I got a call from Cal. Yeah, that Cal. Sexual Awakening Calvin Samuel Price. And I can't even.
"Hey," he said. "What's up?" It felt wrong to be talking to him. Like I was cheating on Bram. For all I knew, Bram was at Columbia making out with some frat bro or something. And one phone call is not cheating, right?
"Not much. Just sitting around and crying over my love life."
"Oh no, what happened?"
"Bram and I broke up," I said.
"That sucks," I swear I could hear him smiling as I said it. I didn't say anything. "Well you deserve somebody better than him anyways."
There's another thing. I don't deserve somebody better. Not after how my call with Cal ended.
"What are you doing tonight?" Cal asked me.
"Nothing."
"Want to come over tomorrow? Maybe cry about your love life over here?"
And stupidly, I said yes.
And now it's tomorrow. As in the day I'm supposed to see Cal. We were never super close but we got along and hung out from time to time. Never alone though...there was always at least one other person. I think that's because I wasn't out and the thought of spending time with somebody I genuinely liked really scared me.
But I rang the bell anyways and Cal answered. Oh my God. I'm starting to remember how he triggered my sexual awakening.
"Hey, Si." Holy fucking God, he call me Si. And I can hardly breath properly.
"Hi." I step inside. He lives in an apartment complex. He's going to Georgia state. He didn't get into NYADA so he's staying put. Everything in his apartment looks perfectly placed. I have never seen a place so chaos-less. Even Bram's place would have an occasional item out of place. "Nice place."
"Thanks," he says. "So talk. What happened with Bram?" I haven't said anything for a while. "You don't have to tell me. But I'm here if you want to talk."
He led me to a room with a giant couch. And holy crap, his whole apartment was huge. Probably the biggest apartment I've seen in my whole life. He leads me to a room with a large brown couch and we sit together. He's a bit closer than seems normal.
"It'll get better, Si. I know it seems like the end of the world but I promise it won't seem this way forever." Cal pats my knee and leaves his hand there a moment longer than he needs to. "Do you want to watch something?"
"Sure," I say.
"I don't." I swear, Bram and I had the exact same conversation the first time he came to my house. My heart clenches at the thought of him. My first love. My first time. My first kiss. My first everything. "Si?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you want to?" Cal looks at me and his eyes sparkle in the light. Oh my God. I don't know. Do I? I miss Bram-yes. I miss sex-also yes. And this isn't cheating. I am a single guy just living a single life. A single life if which there should be sex from time to time. This is all normal. Sex is normal. Cal is normal. Actually, Cal isn't normal. He's fucking adorable. So much so that it almost hurts to look at him. And I just stare at him.
"Simon? We don't have to. I'm sorry I asked. It was out of line."
"No. I want to." And then we do.
Bye, Blue
I wish I could take it back. I feel so gross. It's not like I cheated on Bram, but it feels messed up that I had sex with somebody else the night after we broke up. It just was not the same. I so badly wish that I could take it all back.
"Hey, Si?" Leah says. She and I are on the phone. I'm in the car. I just don't want to be in the house with people who will be asking me all about where I was last night.
"Yeah?"
"I think you should tell Bram how you feel. Clearly you still love him and I'm sure he isn't over you yet either."
"No. I can't do it, Leah. I just can't."
"Simon, you're going to regret this for a long time if you don't suck it up and tell him now." I know that she's right. I will regret it for a long, long time if I don't tell him. So I hang up on Leah without even responding and I call Bram. I haven't changed his contact name from Bram 'Blue' Greenfeld. I think I'm going to keep it. For old time's sake.
He picks up instantly, as if he was waiting by the phone and hoping to get a call. "Hello?"
"Hi, Bram."
"Hey. You haven't spoken to me in, like, a month. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, so, um. No. It's not okay."
"Oh my God, are you dying or something?"
"What? Bram, no. I'm fine. Except," I took a long breath. Oh God. "I had sex with Cal last night. And I feel so guilty but I shouldn't because we aren't together and we've been broken up for a month."
"Oh. That's, um, great? I don't know. But don't feel guilty. You're right; nothing you did was wrong. I think it's just always weird. Falling in love again after a breakup."
"In love? Bram, I'm not falling in love with Cal. And that's the problem. I think he thinks I like him and I don't know what to do about it."
"Do you like him? Even a little bit?"
"Yeah, of course. I like him as a friend but I don't want to be romantically involved with anybody," I say. "I think it's too soon for me. I'm not ready."
"Then you need to let him know that. Don't play him on. Both of you guys are pretty decent people who deserve all the real love in the world."
"Pretty decent? That's all I get?" I say sarcastically. "You seemed to think I was more than pretty decent all those time we were having sex."
"Oh my God, Si. We can't talk about that stuff anymore. We aren't a couple."
"So? I talk about sex with Nick all the time." Nick is a mutual friend of ours from Creekwood high school. "Not that I have sex with Nick. I don't. I mean like he and I talk about the subject."
"Yeah, Simon, I gathered as much. How are things with him and Abby?"
"You didn't hear?"
"I guess not. I didn't know there was anything to hear." He seems genuinely surprised. I guess he is sort of out of the loop. Bram is a quiet person in general so maybe that's part of why.
"Well don't tell anybody that I told you this. Well it's not a secret but maybe they'd want to tell you themselves."
"They? Who is 'they'?"
"Abby and Leah. They're, like, a thing now." I swear Bram already knew all of this. I'm pretty sure he was there the night Abby and Leah made out after the prom. I think he just wants an excuse to keep talking with me. I have no problems with that.
"Okay, well, that's cool." Bram says. "I have homework and stuff so..."
"Right, okay." I say. "Bye, Blue." And I hang up the phone.
Simon and Cal Did What?
I'm so tired. I open my eyes.
"Hey," It's Cal. I sit up, completely disoriented.
"What?"
"What?"
"How did I get here?" I ask, looking around. He and I are back on the brown couch.
"Si, are you okay?" Cal looked confused. I couldn't help myself from looking at his thing. Oh God. This isn't okay.
"Um...how did I get here?"
"You walked here."
"When?"
"Last night. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Did we have sex?" I ask. Seriously...I'm sure we did. It would be weird if we used condoms and didn't have sex.
"No." Cal leans back into the couch. And I can't stop looking at him. He's gorgeous. I think I like him. Wait-this is it. I'm getting over Bram. Finally.
"Why did I come over last night?"
"You were super drunk and you said that you wanted some meaningless sex and I was free so, but I said no because you were drunk..."
"Oh. So we aren't...like a thing?"
"Nope," he says.
"I want to be a thing. Like with you," I say without even thinking. Oh God. Do I? I don't know. This is one of those moments where I'd call Bram. But I can't. Everything's different now, and not good different. "Be right back." I say. I quickly pick up my pants from the floor and throw them on. I can feel my phone still in the pocket. I rush to the kitchen and lean against the counter, head in hand. And then I call Nick. I need man-to-man advice. Preferably gay man-to-gay man advice but Nick's the best I have.
"Hey," he says. I hear screaming and cheering in the background. "What's up?"
"What's going on? Who's screaming?"
"Garrett and Bram." He says. I have a feeling he doesn't know he and I broke up.
"Wait-Bram? Shouldn't he be at school in New York?"
"He's visiting this weekend. I assumed he was coming to visit you." Nick definitely doesn't know Bram and I broke up. I guess I have to be the one to tell him because Cute Bram Greenfeld aka the heartbreaker didn't bother to fill him in.
"I doubt that. We broke up a while ago. Like a month."
"Oh my God. Guys, I'll be right back." I guess he's leaving the area with Bram and Garrett. I can still distantly hear their cheers. "Simon, I'm so sorry. Wow, that sounded sappy. But really, man, that sucks."
"Yeah...but that's part of why I called you. I think I like another guy but it feels too soon and it feels wrong and I feel guilty and...and...-" My voice breaks off. Fuck.
"Si. Don't feel guilty. It's healthy to be moving on but don't move on until you're ready, okay?"
"I got all that and really, I'm trying. The thing is, I slept over at Cal's."
"Are you guys a thing? Like dating?"
"I don't know," I say. I hear footsteps. Shit, Cal's coming. "I have to go. Bye, Nick." I hang up.
"Who was that?" Cal asks.
"Nick."
"Haven't seen him a while. How's he doing?"
"Good," I say.
Life is awkward sometimes.
Six More Months
Six months. Six months since I've seen Bram. Pain is supposed to lessen with time but if anything it's gotten worse. I simply can't quell the longing feelings I have for him. I want Bram back more than anything and I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to get him again.
It's official. I still love Bram so I'm going to Columbia with some big romantic gesture to prove that we should still be together and that we can make long-distance work. I pack my car full of random clothes and allowance money I've been saving for what feels like forever. I pull up in front of a Publix. I rush inside and grab every box of oreos that I can. Then I drove to every other grocery store within an hour and got all the oreos. I need exactly 816 oreos. One for each day Bram and I dated.
Okay-done. I have them all. And I'm at Columbia in the parking lot where Bram and I rekindled our love just months ago. I open all the boxes of Oreos and lay them out in the shape of 'I WILL RIDE EVERY TILT-A-WHIRL IN THE WORLD TO GET YOU BACK'. If this won't win him back, I don't know what the hell will. The Oreos are in place and I pull out my phone to call Bram. He picks up.
"Hi." He says.
"Look at the parking lot." I say and hang up the phone. I see him in the window, looking down. He doesn't look happy. Not sad, just okay. Ugh oh. I see him turn away and I'm assuming that he's coming down to meet me. I see him leave the building. Nobody else is around. His hands are in his pockets and he looks sort of uncomfortable.
"I think we made a huge mistake breaking up, Bram. I love you." I reach over to grab his hand but he shies away from me. "What's wrong? Talk to me."
"Simon," he says and I can't help but notice he uses my full name. I guess that I'm not 'Si' anymore. "I have a boyfriend."
And I drive back home. Seven hours straight. I don't make any stops. I need to get as far from Bram as I possibly can. Once I'm home, I flop onto my bed and ignore both of my parents. Nobody comes up to my room so I guess they get the sense I don't want to talk. I love them but I really need time alone right now.
I have twelve missed calls from Bram. Nine voicemails. Seven texts. I have no intention of reading or replying to them. I just stay in bed for hours. I haven't eaten or showered in almost 24 hours but I still don't. I can't move. I can't think. I can't breathe. The crying tires my chest and my throat is dry. It feels like everything is ending. I need my Blue.
So I email him because I don't know what else to do. Whenever I was sad, I'd email Blue. And then I would call Bram. Bram is gone so it's back to Blue. I know they're the same but something about the memories of Blue makes me still want to email him.
Blue Email #1
From:
To: bluegreen118
Time: August 28, 2018
Subject: I miss you, Blue
Dear Blue,
I'm sorry about today. It was out of line. I should have called or something. Look at me. Using sentence fragments like I used to when we'd email. I really miss you, Blue. I miss our connection. I miss what we had. We could talk about anything and it never felt weird. Not things are weird and I feel personally responsible for that weirdness.
I don't know what to do. I hate that things are changing. I wish we could go back to being sickeningly in love and ignore all the crap that's happened. What can I do to make this okay again? I really need it to be okay. I need this. It's the only stable thing in my life and I don't know what I'll do without it. I really really really need you. I need this. I need something to hold onto. My rock.
These emails have been on my shore worth swimming to for the last three years. You and this email account. Please please please say something so that this can be okay again.
Love,
Jacques
I haven't gotten any sort of response and it's been three days. I still haven't listened to his voicemails or read his texts. I glanced over them and they are all really long. I'm sure there's something about it not being the right time for us or something but I can't help but wonder if he is just trying to cushion the blow. The blow for the truth. And I don't think I'm ready to hear his truth. I don't think I'll ever be.
Blue Email #2
From:
To: bluegreen118
Time: September 1, 2018
Subject: re-I miss you, Blue
Dear Blue,
Hey. So I guess I'm wondering why you haven't responded to my email. Maybe you didn't even get it. Maybe you don't check this email account anymore. I mean, why would you? I get it. It's all good and whatever. In case you are reading this, I really meant what I said before. All of it. Even what I said in oreos. I would 100 percent ride a tilt a whirl for you. I'd ride it a million times with a stomach full of deep fried oreos.
So let's try to start a conversation. Let's make this like old times. Let's both take a step outside of the suckery of real-life and just talk with each other like we used to. I can't stress enough how much I need to talk to somebody right now and I know that if that person was you, it would really help.
Let me know.
Love,
Jacques
And it's been three more days since that email. All I have done is mope around at hope. Abby, Leah, Nick, and Cal have all called. I talked for a few minutes but my mind kept slipping away from our conversations. I know what I need and that's for an email back. And I still haven't been contacted by him. I guess this means goodbye. Goodbye Cute Bram Greenfeld. Goodbye.
Four Years Later…
I know what you're probably thinking. Oh my God, Simon, get over it. It's just an invitation. A fucking wedding invitation. Bram's wedding. We haven't spoken in four years, seven months, and six days. He didn't reply to my emails. I could have responded to his texts but I couldn't bring myself to do that. And then it had been weeks and replying that late felt wrong somehow. So yeah. Here I am holding a card that I got mailed to my house. I just got out of college. WOOP! I'm staying with my parents for a while. I don't have plans or a job but at least my mom is happy. Freaking psychiatrists.
"Hey, Si?" Leah asks me. She's sitting across from me at the end of my bed. "You okay?"
"Yeah, getting invited to the wedding of the guy I still love makes me REALLY happy." I say.
Leah looks down. "That's not what I mean, Si. Are you gonna go?"
"Are you?"
"Probably. But not if you don't want me to. If it's too weird or whatever," Leah says. She gets up and sets the invitation on my dresser and grabs a half empty box of oreos. Thats something I've changed about myself recently. Boxes of oreos are no longer half full, they are always half empty.
I take on and twist it open and eat the insides first. Bram always thought that was weird but I think it's weird how he never ate them my way.
"Is Abby going? And Mina and Cassie?"
"Yeah, I talked to Abby this morning. Speaking of Abby, there's something I want your help with," Leah says, a smile spreading across her face. Her cheeks turn ready and suddenly I'm interested.
"Leah? What are you thinking?" I poke her arm anxiously.
"I'm gonna propose to Abby!"
"What?!" I"M SO HAPPY. HOLY. FUCK.
"I know!" Leah says. I lean over and kiss her cheek and hug her.
"That's fucking amazing! Why do you need my help?" It's not like I have any love advice. I haven't been in a real relationship since Bram. Cal and I hooked up once or twice but that died out years ago.
"Because I'm not romantic."
"Neither am I, Leah," I say.
"Yes you are! At least more so than me." Leah gets up and paces, hands on her hips. "Okay, here's something. I could draw some pictures of us? I don't know."
"Oh my God, yes. Leah, your drawings are fucking amazing. Abby would love that," I say. I don't know if it's true though. If Bram proposed to me with drawings, I'd be over the freaking moon. But I'd be over the moon just about it being Bram. Abby and Leah feel that way about each other. I guess that's something crazy about love. It's not about people or place or who said what. It's about memories and actions and indescribable feelings. I miss that, being in love.
The Wedding
I decided to go. And now I'm sitting in a folding chair that's sinking into the sand at the beach. I hate the beach. Sand is in my shoes and I feel all dirty.
"Hey, Si," Leah says. I don't reply. I can't. I still can't believe that I was even invited. Who the fuck invites their EX to their wedding? I mean...honestly. "Not doing too great I see?"
"Yeah," I say. She's completely right. "I don't even get why he'd invite me."
"I know. But hey, you're here. You're supporting a friend."
"Come to think of it, I haven't met the guy he's marrying. How weird is that?"
"Me either. Nick told me his name is Cal. Bleh."
"Remember Cal Price? Wouldn't it be weird if it's the same one."
Somebody tells us to take our seats and the ceremony starts. I see a rabbi holding notes and a chair with rings on it. My whole body tenses up.
"We are gathered here today to celebrate the love between one Abraham Greenfeld and one Calvin Price."
My heart drops out of my chest. No fucking way. This can't be real. Hold the freaking phone. Leah looks at me. So do Abby, Nick, and whole body is burning up. A few minutes later, Bram and Cal are up on the altar. Their hands are intertwined and every bone in my body is on the verge of exploding with rage.
I block out everything the rabbi says. I can't bear to listen a second longer than I have to. A second longer than my fucking brain forces me to. I see Bram turn to me and we make eye contact. For a moment, I think I might cry. I shuffle uncomfortably in my seat.
"Do you, Cal, take Bram as your lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health until death do you part?"
"I do," Cal says. He's smiling. I hate that. I hate that I used to like that smile.
"Do you, Bram, take Cal are your lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health until death do you part?"
Bram looks to Cal and smiles. Then he looks at me and smiles wider. He looks sad. Guilty. But he's smiling. Oh wait. Oh no. Hold the fucking phone.
"Bram?" Cal whispers. "It's okay. I'm right here."
Bram turns back to me. He blinks slowly. And then what he says next makes my whole heart explode. "No."
"What?" Cal's face drops.
"What?" Bram says. "I'm sorry. I can't." And then he walks away. He makes eye contact with me and his eyes are telling me to follow him. I wait a few moments while everybody moves around and Cal sits next to who I think is Taylor Metternich. Her and her metabolism.
I ignore Leah and Abby and rush to find Bram. It's a beach so there aren't a lot of places to go. I find him sitting on a bench near the bathroom.
"Hey," I say.
"Long time no see, Spier."
"You never call me Spier."
"I never run out on weddings either but here we are," he pats the bench for me to sit next to him. I sit.
"What happened up their?"
"I fell in love with you all over again."
I paused. What was I supposed to say? Should I say that I love him back? That I have been in love with him for, like, ever?
"Oh." That's all I could manage.
"Sorry. This is weird."
"Yeah," I say. "It's okay. You should probably go tell Cal something. He seems pretty upset. I get that. Nobody would want to lose you."
And then he kisses me. Holy shit.
Let's Take A Trip
It's sweet and wonderful and perfect but I pull away almost immediately.
"Bram, no." I say.
"I'm sorry," he hangs his head. "I'm so confused. I'm sick of being confused." He's crying. It hurts just to look at him. This guy that I've loved for long, heartbroken over another guy that I was, like, super into for a long while.
"Bram, I don't know what to say. I think you need to sort this out with Cal. I can't make this decision for you, but you're going to have to make up your mind sooner or later."
He nods. "Okay." He stands up and takes a few steps towards the wedding area. "I suppose I'm going back over there." He waves and keeps walking.
"Simon?" I hear Bram say. His voice is rushed and breathless. I look up and he grabs my faces and kisses me again. I pull away and look into his eyes. And then I kiss back. It's stillness and pressure and rhythm and breathing. It's everything I want a kiss to be. It's better than a thousand birthdays all at once. It's better than eating an oreo, the proper way, with a marathon of Elliott Smith songs on. It's better than everything.
"Oh my God," I say, still kissing him. Good thing there aren't a lot of people around. That would be awkward.
"I know," he says.
"Let's go," I stand up and grab his hand. "Come on. We can't make out here. Cal is, like, not that far away."
"Right, okay. Where are we going?"
"My place?" Coincidentally, my mom, dad, and Nora are on a trip to Paris. They haven't been in a long time. I went with them on the last trip. I didn't go because of the wedding. I guess it's a good thing I decided to confront my awkward past.
"Sure," he says. We drive home in my car. It's a prius. I've always liked those. We don't talk in the car. We're listening to Elliott Smith. I know, big shock. The second I open the door he kisses me again. I feel his hand lock the door. Oh. Okay, Bram. You do you. He takes my hand and pulls me up to my bedroom. I can't believe he still remembers where it is after all this time. He hasn't been to my house in years.
"Do you want to?" He asks. He has that meaningful look in his eyes. That look that means sex but he just doesn't want to say it out loud. I don't want to say anything out loud. All I feel is guilt. I mean...poor Cal. It must suck to be abandoned at your wedding, only to have your ex-almost-husband have sex with his ex-boyfriend an hour and a half later.
"Okay," I say. I'm almost never opposed to sex, especially sex with Bram. But I can't stop myself from feeling bad about it. I know I probably shouldn't say yes. I hate that I just did.
"Si?" Oh God. He just called me Si again. Oh shit. Shit with a capital everything.
"What? Is this not okay?" I ask. My hands were sliding up under his shirt. Yes, his abs are still there. I hope his soccer calves are still nice.
"No, you're fine. Condoms?"
"Right," I say. I get up and grab some from the bathroom. They are not the ones I saw last time I was here. Ew. That means my parents are having sex. Or Nora. Either way-ew. I walk back to my room, breathing deeply. Oh God.
The Morning After/Boyfriends
Bram stayed over last night. His wedding tux is cast aside on my desk chair and I'm suddenly very aware that we're in bed together.
Bram's still asleep so I slip out of bed and hit the shower. I smell like sand and condoms. I turn the water on and step inside, letting the heat melt away my stress. It's nice to take a second to yourself and breathe. But then I hear the bathroom door open. Shit. I should have locked it. I know it's Bram because nobody else is home and the front door is locked and all.
He slides the curtain back and steps inside. Huh. It's kind of nice to have a follow up of last night.
"Hey," he says. I turn and he pulls me into a kiss. "I called Cal. He didn't answer but I left him a message."
"What did you tell him?"
"I said that I was still in love with somebody else and that I'm sorry for ditching him at the altar. That was a really shitty thing for me do."
"So what happens now?" I ask. Bram leans in for another kiss but I pull away. "Seriously. What are we? Are you ready for another relationship so soon after calling it off with Cal?"
"Simon, I've been ready for this relationship since junior year. I've never stopped loving you."
His words fill my chest with hope and happiness, both feelings I haven't felt in a long time. And I trust him. I actually believe that he's ready to have a relationship with me. I just don't know if I am.
So it's been three days. Bram and I decided to take a trip up to Wisconsin. I don't even know. He never called back Cal or anybody else about the wedding. I told my parents that I had a work thing which makes no sense because I'm a teacher and teachers don't work in the summer. Regardless, Bram and I are staying at a hotel. We've pretty much just talked. Most days, we don't leave the hotel. We both have so much to say and there's only so much time to say it in.
I think I'm in love. And I think he is too.
"So what about you?" Bram says. He just told me all about how he thinks the music industry has gone completely downhill. "Elliott Smith is timeless, of course, but the music these days really sucks."
"Yeah," I say. "I think you're right. Are we going to talk about the obvious thing going on here or are we just going to have sex and talk and ignore it?"
"Not to sound too much like Justin Bieber, but what do you mean?"
"What are you going to do about Cal? And the wedding? And your whole life?"
"I'm going to end it with Cal. The wedding is over so there isn't much left to do there. And my life...I'll probably still coach soccer because I don't see why that would change and I think I'm going to move back to Atlanta."
"Okay..." I say. It reminds me of one of the first Jacques-Blue emails where we talked about okaaaay. I miss that. Our email. Our connection that went beyond words and sex. "What does that make us?"
"I don't know. What do you want?"
"I'm all in if you are."
"What, like boyfriends?"
"Yeah," I say. "Boyfriends."
Time Passed/Proposal
Hey. It's me again. Simon Spier. It's been twelve months. That's a whole year. Bram and I live together now. We are officially dating and he cut ties with Cal. I love Bram. It feels nice to love him again. I haven't felt that in a while but I do now and it's wonderful.
"Si?" It's Bram. We are watching a movie but I took a bathroom break. It's been, like, ten freaking minutes and I'm sure he thinks I have bladder issues. I don't. I'm just nervous. I haven't been so nervous around him in ages but something is off today for some reason. I don't know. Whatever.
"Yeah?" I call back.
"You okay in there?"
"Yeah," I say flushing the toilet. I didn't even pee. It just had to seem like it.
"Are you sure that you're fine? You look like you are about to cry."
And then I do. Bram puts his arms around me and pulls me in close and kisses my forehead.
"I'm so sorry," I say.
"Shhh," he says. "It's okay."
I think that I'm scared. Scared that Bram will leave me like he left Cal. I don't want that. I love Bram so fucking much and if I lost him I don't know what I'd do with myself.
After a while, I pulled myself together. Bram didn't mention it for the rest of the night. It's morning now and I'm fucking freezing. I get up to grab a blanket from the closet nearby. I hear Bram shuffling in the bed and hurry up with getting the blanket. On my way back to bed, something catches my eye. It's a small box peeking out from Bram's jacket pocket. Oh my God. It's a wedding ring. And it's huge! How the hell could he afford something like that? I don't even know.
I think I'll say yes. I don't want to wait around for him to propose. I love him and I want that forever. I'm going to propose. I think it will be sort of cute if I use the ring he was going to use for me. I don't know but something about that seems like it would make this whole thing more special.
I go back to sleep and wait for it to be morning. I have a plan to propose to Bram. And it's going to be fucking awesome. I have a playlist of all the songs he and I talked about in our emails. I remixed them into one song and I'm going to play it for him. At the end, I'll propose.
Please Circle One: Yes/No
It's breakfast. Bram is sitting on the couch next to me. He and I are eating cereal. Normally, we try to make actual food but I'm too nervous to function. I don't think Bram notices. He is so focused on me that I can't imagine how he doesn't see me acting weird.
"Are you okay?" He asks. Oh. I guess he does notice me acting sort of strange. Oops.
"Um, yeah," I say. It's a lie. I'm freaking the fuck out. I'm about to propose. I am almost positive that he will say yes. I mean-clearly he was planning on proposing to me. Unless I'm wrong. Oh no. I didn't think of that. I never even imagined another possibility. This might go so badly wrong that our relationship will never recover.
"Si," he says and shuts of the TV. He likes to have soccer games on in the background. I don't like sports unless Bram is into it. And that's only because I'm into Bram.
"Bram," I say back. I wish that I knew of something witty to say. A name, even Bram's, seems all too simple.
"Something is up with you. Babe, I know you. I can tell," he says. And I hate to admit that he's right.
"Actually, no. And that's why I think I'm all weird today. For a long time now, I have been fine and I think it's because of you." It's time. I reach into my pocket and feel the box in my fingers. "I want to feel fine forever. And I want my forever to be with you."
"Oh my God."
"Bram," I say. I slide off the couch and get on one knee, arms extended, ring box open. "Will you spend forever with me?"
"Oh my God."
"And marry me?" My whole face is red and I'm blushing like crazy. I can't stop. I don't want to. Me blushing is my body's way of acknowledging that I love Bram and I want him to know that.
"Oh my God."
Is that the only thing Bram knows how to say? He's always been a quiet person but this is ridiculous. He doesn't want to marry me. I can tell. This is so stupid. I can't believe I even imagined him saying yes. I hate myself. I'm a mess.
A single tear trickles down Bram's cheek. "Yes."