Heyyyy, another new storyyyyy. Haha, anyways this kinda recently came about when my best friend and I started joking around and talking about what it would be like if we were in South Park. We spent hours talking and laughing and coming up with all kinds of ridiculous shit, and I decided to write it. He loves reading my stories and I love writing, and I figured I might as well share it. So, this story will be the plots from The Stick of Truth and The Fractured But Whole with original stuff both throughout the two plots and in between them. There will be serious times, but mostly ridiculous ones. Needless to say, this is gonna be a mature rated story. If you're reading this and don't know anything about South Park...boy are you in for a shock. This document was eleven pages but only about three thousand words. Mostly dialogue.
"Alright, this is our last stop before we get to our new home. Brooke? Are you sleeping back there?"
The little girl in the backseat exited the game she was playing on her phone and looked up at her mother peering at her from the front passenger seat. "No," she replied hoarsely then cleared her throat. She hadn't said a single word for a few hours now.
"Get out and stretch your legs," her mom told her. "If you have to go to the bathroom then go now. We're not stopping again until we get there." She opened her door and stepped out of the vehicle.
Brooke threw off her seatbelt, opened the car door, and hopped out with a big stretch, happy for a moment outside of the car. They were parked at some kind of rest stop. She saw her stepdad a little way off smoking a cigarette and her mother heading towards the restrooms. She herself didn't need to go, so instead she walked over to a dark green minivan parked a couple of spots away and lightly knocked on the back window.
The window rolled down to let loose the loud shouts of arguing children that were being held within the vehicle. Leaning against the car door with an expression that said "kill me" was a sandy-haired boy Brooke's age.
"Get away from me!" an older girl in the middle row of seats shouted.
"I can't!" said the youngest girl. "We're in the CAR!"
"Would you two shut up already!" the eldest sister turned to yell at them from the front passenger seat. "You're so annoying!"
Brooke watched the arguing girls for a moment with a smirk before looking at the boy. "What's up Darren?"
"Kill me."
"How long have they been yelling at each other?"
"Too long," he grunted.
"What's all the yelling about?" Their mother had returned from the rest stop. Apparently, the yelling had begun after she had left them.
"Leah flung a booger on me!" Sarah said.
"No I didn't! Liar!" the youngest shouted at her.
"Shut up!" the girl in the front shouted.
"Sadie!" their mom fussed.
The arguing fired up again. "Can I please ride with you guys?" Darren asked Brooke.
She laughed a little. "Yeah, okay."
He quickly got out of the minivan and walked with her back to her parents' car. They met up with her mother returning from the restrooms. "You riding with us?" her mom asked.
"Yeah."
Brooke left her door open as they all settled into the car. "Sniper!" she called after locking her seatbelt into place. There was a bark and a large Doberman Pinscher came barreling into the backseat with the two kids, pushing and bumping into them as he settled himself in the middle. "Agh, good boy," she pushed his leg off of her.
"Kind of weird that we're moving to the same place," Darren said as the car backed out. "And a whole different state, too. Colorado's pretty far from Louisiana."
"Yeah," Brooke was staring out the window. "It actually snows in Colorado. Mimsy won't like it. I'll have to pay attention to her tank's temperature."
"Where is she anyway? And your other pets?"
"My dad's getting them all there himself."
"Huh, I've never met your dad."
"That's probably for the best," she said.
"Uh, okay?"
With someone else to talk and play games with, the following two and a half hours passed by before the kids even realized. They had gotten back onto the road before the sun had fully risen, and now it was only eight twenty-seven a.m. when they pulled into a driveway and the car stopped.
"We're here," Brooke's mother said, stepping out of the vehicle.
They exited the car to get a good look at the red house. Darren spotted his mother's vehicle pulling into the driveway of the blue house next door and went over to meet them. Brooke looked over at the moving truck parked in front of her house. Almost everything had already been moved from the truck and into the house.
"This is it," her mom said. "What do you think so far?"
She shrugged and watched her dog start digging in the snow that was covering the lawn. It wasn't even winter, but snow covered everyone's lawns. She retrieved her navy-blue jacket from the car and put it on then followed her parents inside. She didn't care much for the cold.
"Your room is upstairs," her mom told her. "First door on the right. The furniture should be set up already. You only need to worry about unpacking your clothes, toys, and decorations."
"That's a lot," Brooke said, mostly to herself, and walked up the stairs.
She spent the better part of two hours unboxing her things and finding places for them in her new room. The room was surprisingly spacious, bigger than her old room which had been messy and cramped. She had just stopped to take a break when her parents opened the door to check on her.
"How's it coming?" her stepdad asked.
"It's…going," Brooke shrugged.
Her parents exchanged a glance. "I know it's hard to leave everything you knew behind," her mother said. "But we think we can make this work. We know you probably miss your old friends already, but at least one of them is living next door to us now."
"And you still get to keep all your crazy animals," her stepdad added.
"Why don't you go outside and play? I'm sure there are lots of children your age that you can meet."
She didn't care much for that idea. Despite the fact that she could generally get along with anyone, she still didn't really like going look for new people to talk to. But she was tired of unpacking, and figured she might as well explore the town to see what it had to offer. It was better than moping around here all day.
Outside, she met up with Darren again.
"My mom made me go outside to socialize," he said.
"Me too," she said as they began to walk along the sidewalk.
They hadn't gotten very far before coming across two boys fighting on the sidewalk. Both were wearing outfits that looked like they belonged at a renaissance fest. The one wearing fake elf ears was barraging the other boy with a wooden sword and had him pinned to the ground.
"Ah! Help! Somebody!" the pinned boy cried.
"Uh," Darren watched the scene, confused. "Should we do something?"
But Brooke was already upon the attacker and punched him off of the other boy.
"Ow!" the elf boy held his cheek. "No fair! I'm telling my mom!"
"See if I care!" she yelled after him as he ran away.
"Man, I was hoping you'd say no," Darren said as he walked over.
Brooke ignored him and turned to face the blonde-haired boy on the ground. "Uh, are you okay?" she asked as she helped him up.
"Yeah, I'm okay," he said. "Thanks. I didn't realize he had a health potion."
"What?"
"My name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin!"
"Dude," Darren muttered. "What time period did we move to?"
"You guys just moved here today, right?" Butters asked.
"Yeah," Brooke pointed at her new house. "I live in that red house right there."
"Oh boy! We're neighbors! Well we should be friends!"
"Oh, that was easy," she was a little dumbfounded.
"The grand wizard knew of your arrival. He wishes to speak with you. I was just on my way to get you when that elf attacked me."
"Grand wizard?" Darren looked at Brooke who only shrugged in response.
"Yeah," Butters said. "But I didn't know there were two new kids. Well you both better come with me. The wizard lives in the green house, over there!"
"Are we really going to follow that kid?" Darren asked.
Brooke shrugged again. "I've got nothing better to do. Besides, I kinda like him."
The short walk was accompanied by many questions from Butters. "Where ya from?"
"Louisiana," Brooke answered.
"Wow! Did you have a pet alligator?"
"No. But we used to go feed them bread."
"Neat! I like your hair."
"Thanks. I like your outfit."
"Thanks! You don't really talk like you're from Louisiana. Were you born there?"
"What do you mean?"
They had come to a stop at the front door of a green house only two houses down from Brooke's. Butters jumped up to ring the doorbell. Only a few moments had passed when a fat kid dressed in robes and wearing a large blue wizard's hat opened the door. He glanced between them for a second before speaking.
"Ah, yes. The new kids. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. Good work paladin Butters."
"Thanks! Eh, but you didn't mention there were two new kids, so I just brought both."
"Hm, yes. We don't normally let girls play, but I must admit…she does look more promising."
"Hey," Darren said. "What's that supposed to mean?"
I already want to kick this guy's ass, Brooke thought. But at least now they could safely assume this was all a game the local kids were playing, and that they had not moved to a town full of backwards weirdos. Well, weirdos was still on the table.
"Come!" the wizard kid gestured for them to follow him inside. "I will show you the kingdom."
"Oh, who are your new friends, sweetie?" a lady asked as they entered the house.
"Shut up mom, we're busy." He led the other kids through the living room and into the kitchen then out the glass sliding door leading to the backyard. "Welcome, to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"
The backyard had been set up to resemble a makeshift version of an old medieval style place with a large cardboard castle at the back and a banner draped across the front spelling out the "kingdom's" name.
"I am the grand wizard king. Eric Cartman." He walked them over to a table piled with toy weapons where a brunette-haired boy wearing a helmet was pretending to polish a wooden dagger. "This is our armory, tended to by Clyde, a level fourteen warrior." He walked across to a makeshift pen filled with stick horses and a gray cat that was being comforted by a boy in green. "Our stables here are overseen by the level nine ranger, Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes."
Brooke snorted a little, trying not to laugh. That statement had caught her off guard.
"Oh cool," Darren said. "My mom has the power of diabetes."
"Power?" Brooke said.
Cartman continued, leading them over to a kid wearing a dress and golden wig over his orange parka. "And here is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom." He leaned over to Brooke and Darren. "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just kind of how he's rolling this week."
"Uh okay?" Brooke leaned away from him and Darren chuckled at her.
"Feel free to look around."
Darren had already started walking over to a large rock off in the corner.
"Be careful," Cartman said. "The Rock of Insanity holds mysterious powers."
Darren touched the rock. "Really?"
"Yup, you're insane now."
"Oh, whoops. Hey, Brooke, I'm insane now."
She gave him an odd look as she passed him and the rock to pick something up. "That's great. Good job. I found a daffodil," she showed him the flower. She went back over to where Cartman and Kenny were standing to wait for Darren. "Do you want this?" she had noticed Kenny watching her.
He giggled and twirled the wig's hair around his finger. "Thank you," he said, his voice muffled by his coat.
She tried not to laugh at his behavior.
"You done yet?" Cartman asked Darren who walked over to them. "You two have been sought out because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you guys, and in return, I am prepared to allow you both into my kingdom, even the girl. You must be very excited."
Brooke shot him a split-second death stare that only Butters and Darren had seemed to notice and both flinched from.
"It's time for your first quest!" he continued, oblivious to the silent threat she had just made. "But first, tell us thy names."
"Brooke." She gave him a hard stare.
He paused, a slight sense of fear faintly passing through him. "O-okay. And you?"
"Oh, uh my name's Darren."
"You have chosen the name, Douchebag."
"What?!"
"Would you like to keep the name, Douchebag?"
"No! I-"
"Very well, Douchebag!"
"What the fuck?!"
"You will now choose your classes. You each can only pick one. Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."
"Did you just say Jew?" Brooke asked.
"Yes, Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."
"Uh…Fighter."
"A girl fighter? Can you really fight?"
"You want me to show you?" she took a step towards him and he jumped back.
"She beat up an elf that attacked me earlier," Butters said. "She sent him packing, she did!"
"Okay, very good." Cartman straightened himself up. "Introducing, Brooke the Fighter! Now your turn, Douchebag."
Darren glared at him. "I don't know. I guess I'll go with Thief."
"A white thief? Huh, never heard of one. Well, we welcome, Douchebag the Thief!"
"Hooray!" Butters cheered.
"Now, visit Clyde and procure yourselves a weapon, and we shall teach you how to fight."
Darren went over to the table but Brooke did not. "What's wrong, Brooke?" Butters asked. "Your first weapon's free."
"I don't need one," she told him. "My fists are good enough, and the rings I wear add to it." She showed him the skull and serpent rings on her fingers which were all made from stainless steel.
"Oh, wow! You really like bones. Too bad we don't have a necromancer class."
"Yes, quite," Cartman eyed her warily. "Guess we don't really need to teach you." He walked over to Darren and Clyde. "Are you done yet? Ah, I see you have procured yourself a dagger. Nice. Alright, now I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight, beat up Clyde."
"What?" Clyde said.
"Kick his ass new kid."
"What'd I do?!"
"I'm the king, Clyde, and the king wishes to be amused! Go on, Douchebag, kick his ass."
"No, I'm gonna kick your ass!" Clyde brandished a wooden sword at Darren.
"No, Clyde," Cartman said. "You have to wait your turn."
"That's lame."
"No, Clyde, it's like olden times. You have to wait your turn, like in the Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, but that's how we're fucking doing it! Alright Douchebag, bash Clyde's face in. Don't be shy."
"Uh, okay?" Darren said.
Brooke went over with the other kids to watch. "Is this a full contact thing?" she asked Butters.
"Oh, you betcha!"
"Sometimes there's blood," Scott told her.
"Come on, fight!" Cartman demanded.
"Uh…" Darren went over to Clyde and poked at him with the wooden dagger.
"That all you got?" Clyde said.
"Oh my god," Cartman sighed. "It's Butters all over again. Okay look, try putting your back into it."
"Yeah, New Kid," Butters said from the sidelines. "Just like Brooke did to that elf! Really let him have it!"
"I don't want to hurt him," Darren said.
"Really?" Brooke glanced over at Clyde. "He's looks like he wants to hurt you."
"Okay, okay!" He ran up to Clyde again and jabbed him hard with the toy.
"Agh!"
"Hell yeah!" Cartman smiled. "Clyde's your bitch! Okay, the key to surviving in battle is not to get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls."
"Huh?!" Darren quickly moved to cover his crotch.
"Prepare yourself!" Clyde said and swung the sword at him.
"Block, Douchebag!"
"Ow!" he managed to use his dagger to absorb most of the impact from the sword, but it still hurt his hand.
"It's time to use your heroic powers," Cartman said after Clyde had backed off. "Using your powers uses up your power points, or PP for short."
Clyde chuckled.
"If you have a fucking better name for it then say it Clyde! Fucking asshole! I'm the king and I say it's PP!"
Brooke, Butters, Kenny, and Scott all backed away from him a little.
"Douchebag! Use your thief ability to make him pay for insulting your king!"
"Uh, I don't know what I'm doing!" Darren ran around behind Clyde and jabbed him hard in the back.
"Ouch!"
"Yeah, get him again!"
He jabbed at him again, this time in the chest, and knocked him over.
Cartman laughed. "Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like 'AHGHG NOO!' Ha-ha!"
Brooke went over and helped Clyde up. He dusted himself off, muttering curses under his breath.
After settling his fit of laughter, Cartman spoke again. "Okay, okay. You've proven yourself worthy. Come inside the war tent, and I shall let you see the relic." He led Darren into the cardboard castle.
"You okay?" Brooke asked Clyde.
Embarrassed, he didn't look at her. "I'm fine! It didn't even really hurt."
"Brooke!" Cartman's voice called from the tent. "Hurry up already!"
She hadn't realized that he had meant for her to follow as well. Unconcerned by the impatience in his voice, she walked over and entered the tent to find them standing around a velvet pillow where a large stick was placed on top.
"This is it," Cartman said. "The reason humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which all are willing to die for… The Stick of Truth. Just two days ago we took the Stick back from the elves. The kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe. Don't gaze at it too long! Its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!"
Darren flinched slightly and quickly looked away from it. Brooke shrugged. "I'm not a mortal anyway."
"Huh?" they looked at her.
"What?"
"What?"
She blinked. "Eh, nothing. It was a joke."
"Well," Cartman said. "Let's discuss your dues."
"Dues?"
"Yes. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week. Four dollars of which are tax deductible."
"Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!" Butters' voice shouted.
"Someone has sounded the alarm!"
"Alarm! Alarm!" Butters ran into the tent. "The elves are attacking!"
"Oh my god! Defensive positions!" he ran out of the tent with Butters.
"More fighting?" Darren looked to Brooke.
She shrugged. "I'll kick all their asses."
Outside, a bunch of kids dressed as elves had surrounded the fence gate. "Give us the Stick, humans!"
"Fuck you, drow elf!" Cartman yelled. "Come and get it! Clyde, guard the Stick while we defend the fortress! Douchebag, Brooke, this is your chance to prove yourselves. Hold off the asshole elves at all costs!"
"Um," Darren hesitated.
"No problem!" Brooke cracked her knuckles and headed for the nearest elf who was attacking Butters. "You get that guy who just knocked out Scott," she told Darren.
"Well if this doesn't work out, at least you've got a future as a training dummy," Cartman said as Darren got hit by a stray toy arrow.
"Fuck you!" he said then went at the elf.
In a matter of minutes, Brooke had most of the elves on the run. They were all boys, who appeared to be surprised and hesitant to fight a girl, especially after seeing her beat the crap out of the first elf. As soon as the attack had started, it had ended.
"Elves!" one of them called. "Fall back! Fall back!"
"Yeah!" Cartman cheered as they ran away. "Awesome dude! Take that you assholes! NA NA NA NAAAA NA! We still control the universe!" he chanted.
Darren helped Scott up and they went over to the others. Brooke was wiping some kid's blood off her knuckles as she approached. "I think I busted that kid's lip," she was saying to Butters.
"It's gone," Clyde said.
There was a pause.
"What?" Cartman blinked at him.
"The Stick. The elves got it."
Another pause.
"THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB, CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!" He stopped and took a breath. "Clyde…you are hereby…BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!"
"What?! You can't do that!"
"Yeah I can! You're banished and lost in time and space!"
"Yeah," Butters added ignorantly. "Go home, Clyde!"
Clyde stormed off without another word.
"You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag," Cartman said to Darren. "Bravely, but not efficiently. Brooke did better. She totally kicked ass. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now. The Stick of Truth has been stolen once again. We must assemble our entire army to get it back."
"Oh," Brooke said with interest. "There are more of you?"
"Yes, of course."
"Our three best warriors haven't reported for duty," Butters told them.
"Douchebag, Brooke, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and retrieve my greatest warriors. Token, Tweek, and Craig."
"Token?" Brooke echoed.
"Tweek?" Darren said.
"And Craig, yes. I will text you their pictures to your personal inventory device. Give me your phone numbers. And beware, the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Now go! And send my warriors here! Butters, go with Douchebag. Princess Kenny, with Brooke. You know, girl power."
"Oh boy," Butters said excitedly. "This'll be fun you guys!" He showed Darren a hammer he was carrying. "This is my Hammer of Storms. It's great for smiting people!"
"That's cool," he said. "I still don't really know what's going on."
"That's okay," Butters told him. "I'll help. Oh boy, I can show you around the neighborhood! We'll go get Token. He's probably at his house." He turned to Kenny and Brooke. "You guys can go get Tweek. I bet he's at his parents' coffee shop. You two will make a great team! Princess Kenny is a sniper!"
"Huh," Brooke said. "Sniper is my dog's name."
"You have a doggie? Neat!"
Darren's phone buzzed in his pocket. "Huh? I got a Facebook message from Clyde. 'This is all your fault. I'll get you back for this.' What the heck?! How's it my fault?"
Brooke looked at her phone. "I just got a friend request from him. And from everyone else here."
To be continued…
Brooke is unique. In many ways. Most of which will not be explained until much later. She's disturbingly strong for such a cute girl. She seems a little aggressive, but she's actually very kind. Until you piss her off.
Darren will get a bit more confident later on.