Songs referenced: Pony by Ginuwine, Lowest Part is Free by Archers of Loaf, Uneasy Hearts Weigh the Most by Dance Gavin Dance
Gather around children for I shall tell you the true story of Lynnette Loud. Now I know what you're thinking: but isn't there already a true story of Lynnette Loud? Well, let me tell you something about that story. It's bullshit. Completely fake made up bullshit. Kids, if you ever see a story called Lynnette Has It Rough, just know that story lied to you. Like the Bohemian Rhaspodys and Straight Outta Comptons of the world, the truth was stretched and audiences fell for it and loved it. But who am I to continue fretting? I've come here to tell you a story, so I must deliver on that promise. This kids is the story of Lynnette Loud…
Lynnette Loud, daughter of Lincoln and Lynn Loud. Younger sister of Lacy Loud and older sister of Lynn III. Lynnette was somewhat of an oddball case, but an interesting case nonetheless.
Basically, she looked like her mother but blonde. You know those Sonic the Hedgehog OCs that are clearly already existing Sonic characters recolored in MS Paint? Yeah, she might as well have been considered one of those. Not to say that was a part of her case with her family but she had a rocky relationship with her mother. Some people have daddy issues, Lynnette has mommy issues. She denounced her mother and began to act out by going to the extreme. What was the extreme exactly? Well, I won't say BUT this story is where the extreme attitude really begins. What you do need to know is that Lynnette was one of the less fucked up of the incestous Loud family. She didn't even know she was product of incest!
That was until… she witnessed one of her cousins having sex with her dad, who she always believed was their uncle. From there, Lynnette had to get an answer. She had to find out the truth and nothing but the truth! There was only one person she knew who was capable of giving her the truth about a fucked up situation like this.
This is the truth about Lynnette Loud. This is the true story. The version everyone was too cowardly to tell you. It all begins in the room of the family smoker and daddy-uncle fucker: Lupa Loud.
The mood inside of Lupa's room was rather smokey and sensual. Cigarette smoke filled the room as the seductive sounds of sexual sounds of Ginuwine played in the background. Needless to say, it felt awkward. Like Lupa was going to get close to her blonde sister-cousin and give her more than kiss on the cheek any second now. Hell, she wouldn't be surprised if the girl actually did that. She remembered once Lupa got into a random threeway with Gloom and Lilith. It was something to say the least.
If you're horny, let's do it, ride it, my pony
My saddle's waitin', come and jump on it
If you're horny, let's do it, ride it, my pony
My saddle's waitin', come and jump on it
The room was silent, thanks to the music. Lynnette struggled to get her words out at first, but she did have one icebreaker. A little distraction in the background that possibly added to the uncomfortability of what was already going on.
"Wait, who are they?" Lynnette asked, pointing to two black haired girls, clearly taller than Lupa, standing in the corner of the room.
"Oh, those are my sisters." Lupa answered, scrolling through her phone. "London and Lux. Don't mind them."
"Ok." Lynette said. "And can you please turn off the music? I feel like you're going to try to rape me."
Lupa shrugged and turned down the music instead of stopping it. Lynnette just sighed and focused back on the goal in mind.
"So we all share the same dad?"
Lupa looked away from her phone for a second to pull out a cigarette from the carton. "Yep."
"And you have sex with him every day?"
"Well yeah. He's your dad too. Have you ever had sex with him before? Better than masturbation."
Lynnette's eyes twitched. This whole time, she was the product of incest. Everything was starting to add up. The heavy amount of cousins, the lack of uncles save for Bobby, her father being a little too friendly with her cousins. Her cousins weren't even cousins! They were her sister-cousins and brother-cousins!
"Uh, Lynnette… are you okay?"
But Lynnette wasn't okay. How could she be okay? How could someone be okay after finding out they're a product of incest and live in one big incestous family? Her dad was literally Woody Allen! Lynnette's stomach was in knots, she was feeling nauseous in general. However, something felt off. Like a weird jolt of energy or a newfound disdain for her family. Don't get her wrong. She already had a disdain for her family, but that was mainly just her mom. But this? This was like an atom bomb hurling towards her and annihilating her entire being. They say that as we get older, things stop making sense. That's not true. This was all making sense and adding up to Lynnette. And she had a feeling she could stop it. But how?
"Earth to Lynnette. Come on. I don't have all day. I could be fucking our dad right now."
Lupa turned the volume up on her phone before looking up at Lynnette. "Ugh. Lemy put his music in the sex playlist again."
And all of a sudden, Lynnette snapped and punched Lupa square in the face.
"What the fuck, you bitch!?" Lupa yelled.
There they go, fucking up the ratio
Biting on the skin that hangs off a hangnail
Biting on the skin that hangs off a blister
On the helping hand
Lupa tried to get up, but first her hand and focus went to her carton of cigarettes. However, before she could even pick them up, Lynnette grabbed Lupa's hand and looked at her menacingly.
"You like smoking, huh?" Lynnette questioned. "You like it as bad as fucking daddy? Because I bet you do!"
"What the fuck are you going on about?" Lupa asked.
"I'm going on about this!" Lynnette exclaimed as she grabbed a nearby can of spray and snatched out a lighter from Lupa's pocket.
Strike up the band, turn up the radome
Calling out to the A&R, A&R
Lynnette looked at the can. "Hair spray? Why do you need hair spray?"
"It's t-"
"It's to satisfy daddy! I know! You didn't even have to bother telling me!"
Strike up the band, turn up the radome
Calling out to the A&R, A&R
Got nothing to say, and you say it anyway
In addition to your own weight
Drive it into the ground, and you sing in a drone
At the wrong time and at the wrong time
Lupa was shocked and showing fear. Now that wasn't unusual. She showed other emotions, but usually those other emotions had to do with her daddy's log. However, this. This was fucking ridiculous and uncalled for. She didn't expect Lynnette to be this way about finding out the family secret. Everyone was bound to find out about it someday. This is the first time someone's acted psychotic about the whole thing. And now, she has to deal with the results.
Strike up the band, turn up the radome
Calling out to the A&R, A&R
Lynnette just smiled as she flicked the lighter, managing to get a flame on the first go and aiming the can of hair spray at her sister-cousin. "Any last words?"
Strike up the band, turn up the radome
Calling out to the A&R, A&R
So full of shit, let's write some hits
Here comes the A&R, A&R
Without any hesitation, Lynnette unleashed fiery hell on Lupa. Poor girl. There wasn't much she wanted to do in life besides smoke and have sex, but that gave her motivation. That gave her purpose in life. But now? All of that went down the drain. Well, maybe she should've found a good, clean man to have sex with rather than her own dad. Lynnette just watched as Lupa frantically ran around the room attempting to put herself out. It was like watching a cartoon character in real life. That's when Lupa had no other choice but to bang her head against the wall in an attempt to put the flames out. The fact that this was actually happening really did feel like something out of a cartoon, but it was fascinating for the girl to watch anyway. Lupa managed to bang up her head to the point of knocking herself out unconsciously. Lynnette sighed and walked over to the smoker's body and proceeded to stomp on her head in attempt to put the flames out.
The lowest part is free, but he can't leave home
Cause he can't leave the signal alone
The lowest part is free, but he can't l-
Then she grabbed Lupa's phone, stopped the music and sighed. Look at her. She could've been alive still but she just had to rub her relationship with her daddy in.
However, Lynnette quickly realized something: Lupa's crisp unconscious body and her sisters. Shit. While she could care less about Lupa, Lynnette was worried more about the young smoker's sisters and what they would do.
"Aw shit. SHIT!" Lynnette cursed. "What am I gonna do about t- oh shit."
When the blonde haired psychopath turned around, she saw that London and Lux were completely missing. How did they disappear without making any footsteps? Were they even real? Despite feeling freaked out, Lynnette left the room with a new goal in mind. It was time for her to get even with her family. They did her dirty and now it was time to pay. But it wasn't going to be easy. No way. She had to plan this out carefully and make sure things didn't go wrong. One small fuck up and bam, she could be exposed. First thing first: set up a dinner date with Lyle. You're probably wondering why that. Well you see, Lynnette is a girl. Lyle has a penis. He wants to put his penis in every girl despite his relationship with Gloom. Eventually, he's going to make his way to Lynnette. And why wait when she could just call him and have a romantic little dinner date?
As Lynnette finished the call, she smirked. "Now to pay the sisters a little visit…"
Lynn, or Lynn Jr. if you really want to be that way right now, was laying in bed, reading a book entitled The Height of Your Life. Despite being in her 30s, Lynn continued to seethe over the fact that her children were taller than her. Everyone was taller than her. It was outrageous and not in the ha-ha as in ha-ha funny kind of outrageous. It was go to your local Gamestop and get angry at the employees for referring to you the wrong way kind of outrageous. Yep, that's just how angry she was over the entire fact. Maybe this was part of God's plan. That or she just pissed him off by committing incest over and over.
Lynn was waiting for her husband-brother Lincoln to come to bed. The good part about living with your sisters and their kids is that you can have orgies all the time. The bad part? Having to wait for the man of your love life to get done fucking your other sisters. Or maybe he was fucking the nieces. She loses track. So many women to bang, so little time. She wasn't ready for the day when Lynnette and Lynn II find out and get to ride their dad's log. Oh they grow up so fast nowadays. One day they're just blindly ignorant of the truth and the next they're fighting for their dad's dick. Of course, that's only the girls. The ones who matter if you ask anybody. Sorry boys, but if your favorite character in this universe is a male, apparently, he does not matter. But well, I don't make the rules. I just tell the stories and get paid to do it.
Lynn continued to read the book. However, her reading session was interrupted by a sudden kick on the door, revealing a bloody Lynnette carrying a bloody bag. "Mom, we need to talk." she yelled as she slammed the door shut.
Lynn dropped her book, gasping in shock at the sight of her daughter all bloodied up. She was used to seeing her scuffed up from fights, but this was new to her. She didn't know what to do in this situation. As Lynnette got older, she started to act out and defy her mother. Common angst and rebellion of a child growing up sure but Lynnette's attitude became more and more of a wreck as years went on.
"Lynnette, what happened?" Lynn asked, concerned.
"You wanna know something, mom?" Lynnette asked. "I've been thinking all week about you. And I've come to realize I'm sick of your shit.
Before Lynn could do or say anything, Lynnette pulled out the severed heads of Lacy and Lynn III from her bag.
"And I'm sick of these fuckers too!"
Lynn was horrified. She didn't expect this kind of behavior to come out for Lynnette. Hell, she didn't expect her daughter to be a killing machine.
"Lynnette, honey…"
"Don't give me that honey crap you midget freak!"
Suddenly, the door knob turned and in came the one and only man with the plan and greatest father-uncle of all time himself, Lincoln Loud.
"Well, everyone's asleep. Guess it's time for u-"
Before Lincoln could even finish his sentence, he saw what was unraveling before him. Lynnette dropped the severed heads of her sisters and turned around to see her white haired dad, who was nearly about to piss himself. Lynnette just looked at him menacingly as she balled her hand into a fist.
"Oknevermind." Lincoln said in a hurry as he quickly closed the door and ran away. He was already a ticking panic bomb when it came to Lynnette trying to spar with him. This was something he wasn't prepared for nor saw coming.
Lynnette blinked her eyes at what just happened, the sounds of her father's footsteps still audible. "Wow, I can't believe you married a bitch who also happens to your brother. Not only that, but the fact that both of you lied to me and never told me the truth. Now I have to do what's right and help you out."
"H-help m-me how?" Lynn stuttered in fear.
"Well, help you with your height problem." Lynnette explained. "I know you've always wanted to be taller. And the fact that your children are taller than you really pisses you off. So I thought I might as well be a good daughter for once and help out my sweet old mother."
That's when Lynnette pulled out a bloody butcher knife from her bag. "Now stay still while I make you shorter!"
Lynn shrieked. She tried to escape, but Lynnette quickly grabbed her and… forcefully ripped off her shirt and bra, exposing her C cup breasts.
"Wow!" Lynnette exclaimed. "Bigger than I thought! Yup, those are gonna have to go!"
Lynnette cut through her mother's breasts with the butcher knife as if they were steaks or ribs. Lynn was left to just yell as her daughter proceeded to mutilate her.
"Now, let's work on your height! Your kids are taller than you! That's pathetic! But don't worry. I'm gonna make things easier for you."
Lynnette pushed her mother down to the ground. She went back to her bag and took out an axe. Yeah I should've mentioned, but the bag was more of a sack. Anyways, Lynnette took out an axe and pointed it at Lynn. "You'll feel a slight pain but nothing too bad."
Lynnette swung right at Lynn, hitting her dead in the head with the axe. She just shook her head as she took the axe out of her mother's head. "Ok it may be bad."
She proceeded to swing at the legs of her now brain dead mother, chopping her legs up like steak cubes. Wanting to make sure things were balanced, Lynnette took the axe one time more and went for the arms. Can't leave your short mother dead with remaining limbs.
"Fucking womanlets." Lynnette said. "When will they learn?"
When will they learn indeed, Lynnette. When will they learn?
Lynnette knew she had a long day ahead of her tomorrow so it was best to call it quits for the night. She had to get even with those who she had a bone to pick with. Already her plans were coming into effect as she had set up a dinner date with Lyle. Lord knows how he reacted to that, but we already know how that went so why bother dwelling on it.
The next morning, a meeting was taking place in the Loud residence. A man with frightening eyes that gave off the vibe of neverending insomnia and a bizarre sense of fashion stood in front of a PowerPoint presentation. He had messy red hair that could rival the hair of Ed Sheeran or Chucky Finster, several missing teeth, a Ready Player One T-shirt, jean shorts and blue house shoes. The PowerPoint presentation behind him read Welcome to the Church of Cultotology.
"Good morning all. My name is Charles Bartlett the VII." The man known as Charles introduced. "I am glad you are all interested in joining the Church of Cultotology. I see some colorful faces out there just ready to diversify our already inclusive religion!"
And what a sea of colorful faces it was. You had Loopoo sitting there, rubbing her (his?) futa cock, Lani being a Satan baby, Lops existing, Lizy filming, Londey also existing but at the same time trying to make sure nobody knows she is actually a he in a wig and skirt, Leia cutting up lines of coke, Lobo (really? Lobo? That's the best you could come up with?) ranting about the family's origins and how none of the boys in the family are not as masculine as him, Blind being blind, Lois was disgusted as two dudes, one black, one white, were panting heavily at her sight like they never had sex or seen a woman before, Logan was being pelted by tomatoes by some sort of mystical force and Naomi was there, wait no nevermind, she just fucking poofed out of existence. Who was Naomi? She was just some sailor. You're not missing anything from her, kids. Also, filmmaker Wes Anderson was there for some reason. I guess he has some Loud blood in him or something. For all we know, he's studying up, writing the screenplay for a movie based on the Louds themselves starring Bill Murray as Lincoln and Adrien Brody as Lemy. Would you watch that? Shit, I know I would. But that's not why we're here right now.
"Man, I haven't seen a bunch of fresh eyed faces in a long time!" Charles exclaimed. "This is exciting! Now, you guys may have heard of me from my best selling book."
Charles turned around and when he turned back to his audience, he held up a book. The Loser's Guide to Brainwashing and Starting a Cult. I guess you can say the Louds (plus Wes Anderson) were very feeble minded as the sight of the book made them ooh and aah. Ah inbreeding, you really know how to tweak the brain cells.
"Now, in this book," Charles explained. "I discovered how easy it is to brainwash people and then take advantage of them to the point of making them join your own personal cult. You may be thinking to yourself 'Well Charles, isn't it easy to do those things?' Well, yes it is, BUT, I did it doing the bare minimum. And that's what inspired me to start this religion. You see…"
While Charles explained his religion, Lynnette quietly walked her way into the audience. Nobody seemed to really notice her. They were either all paying attention to Charles or doing their own thing. At this point, the two creeps worshiping Lois were having a contest to see who could ejaculate on her skirt first. Whoever wins gets to do her laundry and sniff her underwear. Lynnette looked at what she was dealing with and just sighed as she put on a fake look of interest and blinded in with the rest of the crowd.
"And at that point, I just left and started my own religion!" Charles laughed. "Now that you know the whole story, I believe it's time to open the floor for questions."
At first, nobody rose a hand or anything. There was just dead silence, save for a few grunts and moans from Lois's creeps, who were close to erupting any second.
"Oh boy. Tough crowd." Charles said. "Nobody at all?"
And that's when Lynnette raised her hand.
Charles' face lit up with joy. "Ringadingding! We have an interested future member! What is your question, future member?"
"Ok first off, do you think we're stupid?" Lynnette asked.
"What do you mean?" Charles asked right back.
"Well, you're pretty transparent about your intentions and you chose us of all people to do a seminar for. Now I don't know if you've heard, but we're a fucking incest cult full of freaks and weirdos. The fact that you're doing this in our house makes you believe that we're a bunch of idiots."
Charles' eyes shifted left and right before looking back at Lynnette.
"Hell, from what I can understand of your little story, your cult isn't even inclusive. You gatekeep certain people out. Now what kind of cult is that?"
"It's a-"
"It's a what?"
It was clear that Charles had met his match. He was always told recruiting members into a cult was easy but he was never taught what to do if there was someone smart enough to question his authority.
"It's an all inclusionary cult." Charles said, sweating. "There's no gatekeeping, doorkeeping, application processes, waitlisting, aliena-"
"But you just said certain people aren't allowed in." Lynnette interrupted. "You're literally gatekeeping your own cult. Hell, do you SEE what people you're working with here?"
Lynnette pointed at Loopoo. "Now I don't know what the fuck this thing is."
"Hey!" Loopoo exclaimed. "I am a female! I don't know if you've heard but gender is-"
"Gender's a social construct, there's more than one blahblahblahblaaaaaaaah…." Lynnette mocked. "You're a woman with a penis and you rape children. You know what that makes you?"
Loopoo looked annoyed. "What?"
"Not human." Lynnette answered before looking at Charles. "Now, you won't let what you call the 'low lifes' in, but you'll let in a Hollywood pedophile?"
"Um, I'm not actually one of them." Wes Anderson said quietly.
"Why are you even here?" Lobo complained. "You're a fucking weak minded, soylent drinking, spineless faggot. Get the fuck out of here and never come back."
"W-well, um… Lizy invited me here." Wes defended. "I thought coming here would help me come up with my next script."
"Well you're not getting shit from this pathetic family." Lobo said. "I'm the only man in this family."
"Ok, this is getting out of hand." Charles said.
"Of course it's getting out of hand you moron." Lynnette said as he moved closer to Loopoo and put her hand into her pocket. "All you need is a decent human being with common sense to fix the situation."
"So Loopoo, you consider yourself a female?"
Loopoo laughed as if Lynnette told one of the greatest jokes of all time. "Well of course. What else would I be?"
"Well, if you were a woman, you wouldn't have a penis." Lynnette sneered. "Don't you just think that's a little off?"
Once again, Loopoo laughed. "Not in the slightest. That's just how I was made."
"Hmm. I see." Lynnette said observedly.
Lynnette turned around and just when it looked like she was about to walk away, she pulled a switchblade from her pocket and came running at Loopoo. "Well enjoy your castration!"
Loopoo laughed again, believing the blonde nutcase was joking. No. No Loopoo. She was not joking. Lynnette jumped up and jabbed Loopoo right in the penis. Loopoo grunted in pain as Lynnette pulled the switchblade out and everyone else watched. She proceeded to pull down the questionable human being's shorts and as soon as she saw the testicles, you bet your money that she cut them right off. Loopoo was left screaming and crying in painful horror.
"Alright, who's next!?" Lynnette yelled.
Everyone was clearly scared, even the supposed masculine badass Lobo. Charles looked in horror and backed up. This wasn't in the job description. Hell, he didn't know shit like this could even happen. Wait until his boss hears about this one. Not wanting to witness any more possible bloodshed, Charles attempted to gather what he could of his stuff and quietly leave. However, he made one fatal mistake: he made noise. Oh Charles, you poor sap. Lynnette turned around and pulled out a shotgun, shooting Charles square in the forehead. Lynnette looked back at her family and saw Lois's creeps put their hands up.
"We resist!" Creep #1 said. "We just want to get out of here alive. This is clearly a family thing."
"Yeah, just lemme…" Creep #2 said as he pulled out his phone from his pocket. He put his phone right up Lois's skirt, taking a picture of her panties. "And for the road." He then put his hands behind Lois, undoing her bra. As soon as he unhooked it, he pulled it off and sniffed it. "Alright, we can go now."
The two just casually strolled out of the house as if nothing was going on. Lynnette looked at them and rolled their eyes. "Simps… now as I was saying, who's next?"
Blind, who hadn't said a word the whole time, stood up and finally said something. "Now I don't know what's happening right now but I-"
Lynnette shot Blind. "Can't see shit and never will. Next!"
Lobo sighed and got up, walking up to Lynnette. "Guess I have to do this since everyone else is too much of a pussy."
Lynnette sighed. She was getting tired of Lobo's shit. Hell, everyone was sick of his shit. Sure, the boys in the Loud family were of varying traits, but Lobo felt that it classified them all as pussies. Truth was, Lobo was all bark and no bite. A coward pretending to be a big man. For someone who would workout every single day to the real manly testosterone boosting sounds of Guns n Roses, Lobo did get raped by Loopoo a lot. He truly was pathetic, both as a liar and as a man. Lynnette knew this and the rest of the family knew this. But until now, nobody's done anything about him.
"So unlike these faggots, I'm not scared of some girl who got lucky with her murders." Lobo boasted. "Now look, Lynnette, you think you're threatening with this sudden personal boost? HA! What kind of loser thinks a woman can do shit? I mean Lyle and Lemy are complete dickless bitches but even they got some pussy in their l-"
Lobo's spiel was interrupted as Lynnette grabbed him hard by the testicles and crushed them harder and harder.
"Fuck!" Lobo groaned. "What is your problem, you whore!?"
"You're the fucking problem!" Lynnette exclaimed as she completely crushed Lobo's testicles to the point of the boy shrieking. "And not just my problem! You're everyone's problem! Stop acting like such a tough guy when you got raped by Loopoo on a daily basis."
"That's not true. I've never been with that tranny ass faggot in my life."
"Really?"
Lobo looked down at the ground then at everyone else followed by looking back at Lynnette.
"Well? Are you going to go out like a bitch and tell everyone?"
Lobo sighed. "Look, we can call this even and both go on our separate ways."
"I don't like that idea." Lynnette threatened, completely crushing his fucking testicles. "In fact, I think the only way we can become even is if I just completely-"
Lynnette continued to crush his testicles until she heard a sound I cannot even describe. No seriously, what do crushed testicles sound like? Because I don't fucking know. Lynnette let go of Lobo, who just squeaked as he fell down to the ground and balled himself up in the fetal position.
"That takes care of that." Lynnette said before looking at Wes Anderson. "Now as for you, why are you here?"
"Well, Lizy invited me a-" Wes tried to explain before being interrupted.
"Better question." Lynnette interrupted. "Why don't you make movies about normal people? You see, this is why I watch anime. Sure, you get superheroes and shit, but you get anime with normal people too. All your movies have nothing but rich, silver spoon fucks who just sit around and talk about the most monotonous of shit."
Lynnette would've just kept venting but instead she just pointed her shotgun at Wes and shot him, followed by Lizy. "Now I would keep going on but that would just give you more ideas for your movies."
Lynnette looked at Lops. "Go on Lops. You may be a product of incest, but your place is not here. Your place is somewhere in greener pastures. Now leave while you can."
At first, Lops thought Lynnette was trying to fool her but she quickly got up and left the house as soon as Lynnette pointed her shotgun at her.
Lynnette looked at Londey. "Hey, you see Loopoo over there right?"
Londey looked at Loopoo, who was recovering from her pain. "Y-yeah."
"Now, I know for a fact that you're a dude." Lynnette said. "Please, if you know what's good for you, take off that wig and stop dressing like a girl."
"But I'm a girl!" Londey defended.
The remaining survivors and Lynnette all looked at Londey with an unamused look.
"It's true!"
They continued to look at Londey.
Londey sighed then pulled off her wig, revealing that she was actually a he.
"See? Another person fixed!" Lynnette cheered, before shooting Logan. "And a person nobody really gives a crap about gone."
"Now, as for the rest of you." Lynnette explained. "I'm going to let you fuckers off the hook. I want you all to take off your clothes and empty your pockets. Anyone who disobeys gets shot."
Out of fear, Loopoo (don't ask me how Loopoo survived), Lani, Londey, Leia and Lois all dressed down as Lynnette watched all of them and held up her shotgun. Once they were all naked, they put their hands up as a sign of giving up.
"Thank you all for cooperating." Lynnette said. "Now, you guys will stay like that while I'm gone. If I find out anyone snitched, I will fucking end your life."
Lynnette slowly walked out of the room and out of the house, pointing the gun at her siblings. She snickered once she stepped outside and put her shotgun away. This was so easy. If things can continue to stay this easy, she might as well call that special blonde someone about their dinner date.
"Hello? Lyle? It's Lynnette. About that dinner date… you mind if we have it early? Around 5 sounds perfect. Alright then, I'll see you."
Once again, her plans were going smoothly. Now, to gather the ingredients for the perfect dinner date.
After gathering the ingredients, Lynnette had to get the house spruced up for her dinner date with Lyle. While she didn't understand what the big deal was with Lyle, she did understand that the man was a big player for someone who claimed to be committed to his supposed girlfriend. It was something she just didn't understand, but that's just the way the cookie crumbled or some stupid saying. Getting the house cleaned was somewhat difficult, but thanks to her scared naked victims, she got things cleaned up and looking good in time. It's a good thing Lyle lived in a different house with his family members or he would've witnessed several naked siblings running out of the house in fear as Lynnette shot at them. Nobody got hurt… except for Leia, whose dead naked corpse was found in Mr. Grouse's backyard, only to then be dragged inside of his house. I bet that corpse felt alive again once she went inside his house. On some Mannequin shit.
Despite the lack of fancy lighting and romantic atmosphere and clothing, Lynnette managed to make things work. Her and Lyle sat across from each other. Lyle looked like he was ready to kiss and ravage Lynnette any second. Oh Lyle, you horn dog you.
"You know, Lyle…" Lynnette started. "I'm surprised you accepted my invitation to dinner. I thought you would be too busy with Gloom."
Lyle chuckled, before looking smugly at Lynnette. "Oh, I took care of Gloom."
Lynnette raised her eyebrow at the comment.
Somewhere in the basement of who knows who, big chested goth optimist Gloom was tied up to a chair, naked with nothing but a chastity belt to protect her from the supposed dicks trying to get inside her. When it came to other boys, Lyle made sure his princess didn't fuck anyone besides him. However, when it came to girls approaching him, it was free game. A man's gotta have his own harem, right? You ever seen Risky Business with Tom Cruise? Dude was running a whole whorehouse in his house for crying out loud. So what's the harm in Lyle having a piece of that action? Hell, you know that scene in the first Naked Gun where Leslie Nielsen is celebrating on the baseball field, moonwalking and doing heel clicks? That was Lyle as soon as he got Gloom all set. I'm gonna get Lynnette's booty, I'm gonna get Lynnette's booty! was playing in his head.
Anywho, Gloom also had a piece of tape on her mouth so nobody could hear her scream for help. Couldn't risk the chance of another guy hearing her and rescuing her, right? But Gloom didn't have to worry about being alone because she had a companion with her in the form of a laptop. Unfortunately, Lyle was in a hurry and when he was setting up the music, he accidentally set it to loop so Gloom had been listening to the same song over and over. It was beginning to sink into her head like a mantra or a cult chant.
Holy shit, she smells like heaven
Been best friends since we were eleven
And oh my God, I like her
Yeah, I heard you like her
Baby, I thought that we had something
Compared to him, I'm next to nothing
And, oh my God, I like her
Yeah, I heard you like her
It was sickening, it was annoying. It was like her own boyfriend was trying to brainwash her. Gloom began to tear up before trying to scream for help yet again. Oh silly Gloom, when will you learn? Only Lyle can be around you.
"I see." Lynnette nodded. "Well, I guess I should be getting the food now."
Before Lynnette could even get up, Lyle instantly launched out of his chair. "No, no! I can get it!"
"But Lyle, you're my guest."
"Yeah but I don't want a beautiful lady like you getting up and doing all that lifting and carrying for me."
Lyle, oh, Lyle. Lynnette wasn't a dummy. She knew exactly what Lyle was trying to do. Get on her good side with his charm and charisma so he can get in her pants. He's done it to almost every girl under the sun at this point, wanting to make sure he put his seed in every girl in Royal Woods all while staying faithful to Gloom. Oh that poor big titted black haired bimbo.
"No no no. I got it Lyle." Lynnette insisted as she got up from her chair. "Don't you worry."
"But Lynnette, my darling!" Lyle said as he got closer to the girl. "You're a goddess in a sea of ugly faces and it would be such a shame for me to boss you around. Please let me get the food for you!"
Yep, he was horny. And it was pretty clear of what his endgame was. He wanted a piece of Lynnette booty and wasn't going to stop at any cost until he got his share.
Lynnette sighed and put her hand down Lyle's junk, touching it. She did her best to hide her disgust as she looked at Lyle. "But Lyle, you're my guest! My date! I want to serve you! Come on, just let me do this. We could have sex later."
As soon as he heard that word, Lyle's eyes lit up. "Yes my darling."
Jackpot. Once Lyle sat down, Lynnette headed for the kitchen. Except she was so mad at herself for what she had to do that she couldn't even get herself to go to the kitchen and feed Lyle his rat poisoned food. Good thing she had a plan B or things would've derailed. She pulled out some piano wire and quietly sneaked back behind Lyle. Lynnette remembered seeing this out of a movie or an anime and thinking it was the coolest shit, so of course she had to try it for herself. And who better to try it out on than Lyle Loud himself? As Lynnette made it close to Lyle, she quickly pulled the piano wire to his throat and watched as the boy struggled to breathe.
"Be real with me Lyle." Lynnette demanded. "Do you love Gloom?"
"Y-y-yes, I-I do!" Lyle struggled to say. "P-please! Stop!"
"Then why do I see you with other girls?" Lynnette said, slowly tightening the piano wire around his neck.
"B-b-because it's how I work!" Lyle explained.
"You know women aren't objects, right?"
Lyle struggled to say anything. He was too choked up at this point to even say anything. But that was ok because clearly Lynnette wasn't going to hear it. Who would anyways? Nobody needed to hear an explanation from the wannabe golden god. Not even Lynnette herself. She was too busy tightening the piano wire more and more around his neck. Lyle was blue in the face and it looked like his eyes were going to bulge out any second like in an old Looney Tunes cartoon. As he let out his last attempts at breathing for air, Lyle completely passed out unconscious. Lynnette let go and watched as his head banged against the table.
"Wow, I can't believe I almost got political there." Lynnette said, realizing the question she asked.
Suddenly, Lynnette heard a sound. It sounded like footsteps. Could it have been Londey or one of the naked survivors she scared away? It had to be one of them. The blonde turned around to see. She was greeted by the sight of a blonde pigtailed girl wearing nothing but pink panties. Right, Loli existed. Lynnette completely forgot.
"Daddy?" Loli asked.
"There is no daddy here." Lynnette said, quickly throwing away the piano wire. "Only me trying to wake up Lyle."
"Daddy, daddy, daddy." Loli said.
"I said there is no daddy here." Lynnette said.
"Daddy!"
"For the last time, you fucking daft overgrown jailbait. There is no daddy here!"
Loli pulled down her panties.
"Whoa. What are you doing?" Lynnette asked.
The next part is hard for me to believe and you wouldn't believe it either. Even Lynnette herself couldn't believe it. Loli rubbed her pussy until a gun slid right out of her pussy. Once it slid out of her pussy, she grabbed it and pointed it at Lynnette.
"Ok I don't know what the fuck you just did." Lynnette said in shock. "But please, don't you ever do it again."
"Just freeze and put your hands up!" Loli said. The fact that she just said something other than 'daddy' was enough to make Lynnette cooperate.
"Holy shit you can speak."
"No fucking shit I can speak! You think I like being known as the Daddy Girl?"
"Well, I-I I don't know actually."
"Just shut up! Liby, come on out!"
And that's when Little Miss Dick Tracy herself, Liby, walked out of the shadows. Complete with a smug look that said it all. Finally, Lynnette's reign of terror will be put to an end and both Liby and Loli will feel accomplished.
"I've got you now, Lynnette." Liby bragged. "I thought we were family, but I guess I was wrong. I should've known from the first day that there was something wrong with you. But now! Now I know what you've been up to!"
"What the hell are you going on about?" Lynnette asked.
"We know about you going around killing members of the Loud family." Loli explained.
"Aren't you a member yourself?" Lynnette suspiciously asked.
"No, but I was sent to investigate the cult like status of this family." Loli answered. "But this. This is really going to put me on the map at the department!"
"Ok, but how did you even find out?" Lynnette asked curiously.
"I'll let Liby explain that." Loli says proudly as she looks at her partner.
"We saw Mr. Grouse leave out of his house with Leia's corpse in some sketchy looking liquid." Liby explained, sounding a little disgusted looking back at the moment. "We asked him questions until he finally gave us an answer."
Lynnette sighed. "Ok. Just take me in I guess."
Loli and Liby exchanged accomplished looks to each other. Knowing that they managed to bust a crime together was a highlight in their otherwise mudane lives. However, in the brief moment of them exchanging glances, Lynnette took this as an opportunity to slowly back away and hopefully make her escape to freedom.
"Now let's- hey!" Liby said as she quickly saw Lynnette backing away. "She's trying to escape!"
Lynnette quickly moved, especially once she saw Loli get ready to shoot her. Unfortunately, the only way for her to escape and prevent getting shot was to jump out the nearby window. Lynnette was crazy, but she wasn't this crazy. Was she?
"See you fuckers never!"
Liby and Loli couldn't help but gasp in shock as Lynnette just casually threw herself out the window and ran off. The fact that she really did that completely stunned them. Never in their short time of finding out the girl was a killer did they expect her to manage to escape, especially a way like that.
"You know what?" Loli asked. "I should've joined the Peace Corps."
Meanwhile, on a completely different side of town, Lynnette's girlfriend-cousin, yes girlfriend-cousin, Alex, was walking around bored. What was a cute Hispanic girl like her to do on a Saturday afternoon? Well, she could hang out with Lynnette. They could go to her house and do sexy lesbian incest things. Yeah that's what they could do. They could do that and watch anime afterwards. Maybe listen to some Backstreet Boys and chill. However, her thoughts of what to do for the day ended in a complete halt as soon as she saw Lynnette herself driving in a car rather furiously like a little kid in GTA Online. Alex jumped as soon as she saw Lynnette brake towards her.
"Hey look. I can't explain what's happening right now, but hop in because we're going on a road trip." Lynnette said rather quickly like she had something to hide.
Alex would've questioned that. But she's known Lynnette for a long time and the day they did the nasty, everything was off the table. Alex just went with the flow and got in the car. As soon as she got in, Lynnette went full on speeding. Whatever the situation was, it must've been bad considering how fast she was going.
"Can I at least get a hint?" Alex asked.
"Well, let's say I read that book about that guy who went on the road." Lynnette lied. "And I found it life changing."
Meanwhile, nearby, Lulu Loud, the mutant offspring of Lisa Loud, was in the middle of the street building a Lego sculpture of her all time idol: Walter Cronkite. Over time, Lulu got tired of being a mutant and decided to pursue eccentric hobbies for a girl her age. First, she tried her hand at competitive gaming, but even with tentacles, she found it hard to break through in a community where people seem to be able to game at the speed of a crack addict. She tried to get the assistance of Loan, but when she went into Loan's room, the socially awkward NEET was clearly dead. Or at least that's what Lulu assumed. You have no idea how bad people like Loan stink.
After trying her hand at competitive gaming followed by film criticism, home improvement, gambling and even sitar playing, Lulu got bored and randomly began building a person out of Legos. That's when she found out she was talented at building Lego sculptures. Inspired by anonymous street artist Banksy, Lulu began to build Lego sculptures in random areas all over town. Did she care if people saw her? Not really as long as they acknowledged her talent. Has she ever come close to getting in trouble with the police? Not yet, but her mother told her all about authorities and dealing with them. Today was a more casual day. Lulu didn't tend to build in the middle of the street in daylight, but it just felt so good outside that she decided to take the opportunity and go with the flow.
Lulu stared at the Lego Walter Cronkite. "This is gonna be my best sculpture yet. Just gotta finish the back and my masterpiece will be done."
The mutant girl went to the back side of the Lego sculpture, ready to finish it up and let the neighborhood know who's the boss when it comes to art in Royal Woods.
"So where do you think we should go first?" Alex asked. At this point, she stopped trying to interally figure out what Lynnette was up to.
"Well, I was thinking about going to New Jersey maybe." Lynnette answered. "Japan is kinda out of the question right now. I was thinking we just drive around before we start going on planes and boats."
It was clear that Lynnette had no idea how to properly drive. All while answering the question, she managed to knock down a mailbox, a kid's lemonade stand and somehow drive through somebody's house. She was frantically swerving all over the place and yet, nobody seemed to bat an eye nor did the police do anything about it. Except for maybe those police that shot at the car after Lynnette randomly ran down a cop leaving out of Flip's.
As Lynnette continued to drive, she suddenly met her match: Lego Walter Cronkite. Something about seeing it in the middle of the road caught her attention. Like a set of pins at a bowling alley, Lynnette was tempted to strike it.
"Is that a Lego-"
"Leslie Nielsen? Looks like it!" Lynnette interrupted. She then proceeded to speed up her driving.
"Lynnette, what are you doing!?"
"I just wanna see if I can knock it down."
At first, Alex was questioning her girlfriend's intentions but proceeded to just shrug it off. Then she got a little curious but once again shrugged it. But now, she just stopped caring. At this point, she didn't even care if Lynnette crashed the car and got them killed. She should've just suggested fucking as soon as Lynnette pulled up and almost ran her over.
Back with Lulu, she was completely unaware of her fate. You see, when it came to Lego sculpture building, Lulu got lost in the art. As soon as she started building, she focused on building and nothing else. Lynnette was getting closer and closer and shown no sign of stopping. You know the Burnout games? Well, this was her Burnout.
"Nyll…" Alex said, referring to Lynnette by her nickname. "What if someone is behind that?"
"Why would somebody be behind a Lego sculpture?" Lynnette asked. "Those things are all over Royal Woods. People know by now not to be in front or behind them."
As Lynnette said that, she made contact with the Lego Walter Cronkite. To say it was satisfying was an understatement. The whole action gave her a rush. Various Lego bricks launched into the air as the car sped through the sculpture.
As the car hit Lulu and launched her into the air, the 4 year old thought about something. "They told me to live a normal life and LOOK where it got me!"
Back in the car, Alex heard a thud and looked at Lynnette. "Did you run somebody over?"
Lynnette didn't keep her eyes off the road. "If you mean that Lego Leslie Nielsen, yes I did."
Alex was about to respond but instead kept quiet as her love drove out of Royal Woods. Who knows where they were going. The road was their home now.
THE END