"How are you feeling Remus?" There is a woman hovering over me and I have no idea who she is or why she's here.
Without even really thinking about it I hear myself respond, "I have a headache," I don't sound like myself at all. If anything I sound incredibly hungover, but I haven't been drinking, I know I haven't been drinking. Why do I know that for sure? I certainly feel like I could be hungover.
Oh god, the war, that's why I haven't been drinking. The war was last night, it was last night and here I am talking to some woman I don't know. Harry could be dead and I've... Shit.
Sitting up suddeny, pain rips through me and as fast as I'm sitting I return to laying down. "Who won, please tell us it was the right side. Please say we won." I still sound awful but the woman's eyes widen.
"Don't worry . The right side won. You've been injured but others were not so fortunate, your wife being one of them. However, there are some changes you must know, both within your own personal life and the world right now. Things are not exactly as you will remember, the war has affected things greatly."
"You speak as if it has been months or years but the war was only yesterday, Miss… I'm sorry, I don't know your name."
"I am Pamela, your personal healer in St. Mugos. Mr. Lupin it seems that the visitor you have is requesting to see you urgently and he may burst in here any second but I would like to tell you of your condition before he does… Is that alright?" A faint blush creeps across her face as she finishes, something that confuses the hell out of me, what could possibly be so sensetive a mediwitch feels embarrassed to speak of it, and she didn't tell me how long it has been.
And suddenly there is a loud crash near the door and the door is flung open. My mouth drops open and I feel like I've just completely lost all control. I sit up but cry out in pain but I almost don't care until Pamela is pushing me back onto the bed and restraining me. There is literally no way this is real, this has got to be a dream or something else. I have got to be imagining this.
"Remus chill out, your just going to injure youself. Calm the bloody hell down, we'll have a drink and talk okay jut please calm down." Holding a bottle of firewhiskey, standing in the doorway, a smirk across his beautiful face was Sirius Black. His curly black hair and hazelnut eyes are so real and his laugh is intoxicating, more so than the whiskey.
I calmly relax into the bed, but that's when I notice it, something that makes my blood run cold, freeezing in my soul. I can't move my legs, hell I can't feel my legs. I can see them but they haven't moved once and my sensation is gone.
"W-why can't I move, Pamela?" Panic peppers my voice and I feel it rising inside of me.
"You haven't told him anything yet? He's been awake for an hour and he doesn't know anything?
"Mr. Black if you would be quiet for just a moment I was just about to explain to Mr. Lupin the strange nature of his well being right now. Now please, sit down and let me take care of informing my patient of his status."
Sirius, by some miracle, listens to the woman and sits in a chair near my bed. His face is drawn tight and its clear the man is worried for something, and I'm not sure what.
"Mr. Lupin I will restrain you again if you try to move, but we need to talk. I'm sure you undoubtably have questions but do not for any reason move, and do not speak until I have finished my story and my tests. Do you understand?" Pamela looks at me and raises her wand, slowly guiding it across my then lower. I let her run her tests, desperately trying to feel the touch of the blanket on my legs or the pain I felt in my back, knowing it's there but it doesn't seem to be felt unless I move wrong apperantly. "I have finished my tests, please stay still while I tell you the things you need to know."
"Get on with it Ms. Bright, Remus deserves the truth quickly. The sooner you tell him the sooner his pain will be over."
"Remus," she sits on the edge of my bed, her voice going from stern and demanding to soft, and it's clear to both Sirius and I that she is trying to soften the blow, " You by now have realized you sustained injuries during the war, it has been six months since that night and in those six months we healed most of your injuries but there is one that we will never be able to heal. Remus six months ago on the night of the war you were placed under a crucio that lasted 17 minutes and 27 seconds. This was a mere three seconds shorter than Frank and Alice Longbottom, and when your wife broke the spell by killing Bella Lestrange you fell to the ground with many injuries. We healed the fractured skull, eased the pain in the muscles, fixed the cuts to your skin, but what we could not do was heal the damage to your spine. Remus you have expierenced a trauma you do not remember but it severed the vertebrae in your back."
Tears slowly fall down my face, but I remain silent, needing to know where this is going, needing to know where the line is. I need to know what the war took from me.
"Remus, that night you lost many things the night of the war, you lost your wife, you lost many friends and you have lost one other thing as well. Remus you will never walk again, and your excretory system is no longer under your control. It's unclear if you have any feeling in your genitilia but we know your legs and hips have none and your feel will hurt with any pressure applie to them at all. Remus you may be able to feel sexually but that will most likely be all and it may be excruiciatingly painful and if you aren't careful you may injure yourself more."
"W-well who exactly do you anticipate me sleeping with Pamela?"
"I have the answer to that Remi, listen I had planned to have this conversation later but I guess now is a good time. I have been in love with you since we were teens, and I had told James that a mere week before he died. James told me to ask you out, and that the mauraders could handle a little change. Remus I have been in love with you for nearly 30 years and I don't want to wait a second longer. Marry me, take the time that you need to figure out what life looks like in your wheelchair and with the pain potions but come to the home I've set up in the last six months, I designed it specifically for us, for your wheelchair and my health needs. Please marry me."
"You can't want me, I… I'm broken. Fuck Sirius we may not be able to shag, and if my body doesn't work I'm assuming that I'll be in fucking diapers and I certaintly can't do that by myself and you shouldn't have to deal with that. And things aren't the same as they were when we were kids." Tears flow freely and I'm shaking. Within seconds Siri is sitting on my bed and he places his lips softly against mine and for the first time in thirty years my heart flutters in a way I didn't have before this moment. Tonks and I loved each other but she knew Sirius was the only person I could ever feel great love for.
As we kiss my tears dry and I find myself drawing closer to the man, my fingers tangling in the curly black locks and I start to pull myself up for some friction, any friction against my body but I'm weak, too weak for my own good and I have to break the kiss to rest.
" Please marry me Remi?" Sirius' eyes are wide and he seems to be begging me to say yes.
"Y-yes Siri, I'll marry you. On one condition."
"Anything."
"Never, ever, let anyone else um… change me.. unless they're a healer. If you can promise me that I will marry you."
"I'd never let anyone else see you in that position Remi, I promise."
"Then I guess we will be getting married. What do I need to do to be able to leave this hospital?"
"And that is where things get a bit more complicated. I still need to run more tests, and before you are free to leave you must be able to get into and use the chair with partial assistance from Mr. Black. Mr. Black what things have you done in regards to your home for Mr. Lupin's sake, and for your own. Do not think I have forgotten you also have your own health issues right now."
With a blush Sirius moves from the bed back to the chair in the corner and I choose to not acknowledge the look of embarrassment on his face, "Well Pamela, I made sure our stairs were transfigured into ramps and I spent three days tearing up carpet by hand and sanding the hardwood floor, our counters have been lowered, and the dining table is the right height, and the bedroom has the nessicary supports in place to help with the transition to the bed and for comfort sake in bed so his spine is supported. I already have the needed toiletries and I have the correct shower support. Pamela you gave me a list of what Remus would need and two months ago I had every item crossed off. As for my health Remus takes priority and you know what is wrong with me and that it will not be a problem." Sirius' lips are pressed in a firm line and it's clear we're not discussing his medical conundrum right now.
"As long as you are not neglecting to deal with your health I can release Remus tommorow morning as long as he can show the ability to use the wheelchair. It is in the closet down the hall, I can bring it in a few moments but I would suggest that you assist Mr. Lupin in freshening up, and then I suggest that you tell your partner the truth about what you are going through physically. I will not send him home with secrets in regard to your health, he deserves to know the risks you face," Pamela's tone is firm and Sirius has a small blush and a look of nervous tension across his face. I'm not sure what exactly I'm sitting in on right now but I feel like there is something I'm not being told and I'm not sure if it's fear or shame that makes me wonder what Sirius could be so embarrassed to tell me when I literally need him to help me wipe my own arse. God this is going to be hell.
"Don't worry Pamela, I will tell him in due time, please grab the wheelchair and place it outside the door. I will let you know when we have spoken and when my partner and I can begin on the practice, however I would like to help clean him up and then I believe he and I need a few moments for the truth of my situation to come out. Please leave us."
She smirks, clearly thinking more is going on, and she steps out. Sirius gives me a small kiss and runs his hands down my chest, pulling back the blanket to reveal my soiled slacks and a wave of neausa hits me as I look at the mess I made of myself and a single tear rolls down my right cheek. They say if you cry the first tear from your right eye you cry from pain and hurt, from the left its love and beautiful emotions, and right now the emotional pain burning through me as I look at my soiled lap feels like it's killing me. He seems to take no notice of the disgust I feel for myself and unzips my slacks, kissing my neck, eliciting a small moan and a sharp whimper when he nips my collar bone. My boxers are tented and I am feeling overly restricted by the messed fabric and when he waves his wand to clean me my blush deepens because I'm laying, clean, at his mercy. I know he'd never hurt me but I also know Pamela said this could cause pain, and suddenly I'm scared of Sirius. Not only am I scared but I can't seem to find my voice to tell him to stop, and I can't move away. My cock softens and soon I'm sobbing.
Sirius stops then, before the situation escalates at all and he completely stops touching me. Shock and confusion fill his hazelnut eyes and I see the fear growing in them. He's scared he hurt me, or scared I don't love him, or scared I don't want him. But none of those things are true and I just… I wish he knew how this felt, to be so scared of your own body and so scared of pain but also terrified of disappointing to the only person he has ever loved.
"Remus, please, talk to me. What's wrong? Did I… Did I hurt you?" Fear and shame pepper his voice and even though he looks away I can hear the sadness in his voice that I'm sure fills his face as well. My eyes water and, oh I just… I just feel so awful.
"You didn't hurt me Siri but…" I take a deep breath and force a deep breath trying to gain some calm and clarity.
"What ever is wrong Remus, I don't know what I did."
"I'm scared it will hurt, and I'm scared I will disappoint you if it does, and I'm worried should it hurt you will have no desire to marry me, or if we marry it will not last due to my injury and out inability to make love. Siri I'm terrified to lose you because of this, because of this stupid, stupid, injury."
"Remus. Shut up." Sirius looks at me with a look I can only describe as pure anger. "I guess I should tell you my news because I guess you could say I have similar fears."
"What do you mean?"
"Remus I have a secret only Pamela knows, something that I should have told you before I even considered touching you. Remus when I crossed back through the veil, when I was given the chance to come back something happened, something I'm embarrassed and ashamed of… oh shit this is the hardest thing I may ever have to say…" with a sigh Sirius redresses me, and then sits by my hip and takes my hand. "I've had a secret my whole life and only my mother knew and it is why she despised me. Not for denying the dark lord but for what I am about to tell you and show you. Can I trust you to hear me out before you judge the situation?"
"I have been in love with you since we were teenagers and the only reason I am even scared of you touching me right now is the fact it could hurt and make me lose you, if there is a reason that doesn't matter, if there is a single reason sex doesn't impact everything right now please, please tell me."
"Remus I'm going to tell you my biggest secret and I am trusting you with everything right now." He stands and closes his eyes. With a deep breath he drops a glamour, one that clearly has been perfected because I feel my jaw drop as I look at Sirius. This glamour had kept Sirius looking masculine, but as I am looking at Sirius I see something I don't even know how to describe.
"I knew when we were in school that I didn't feel like all the other boys. I knew that I was different and that I was something most people weren't. Remus I'm transgender, male to female, and when I was given the opportunity to come back true to myself. I was able to come back with the female body I wanted my whole life, and the ability to live as female. But I've hidden it until today from everyone but Pamela. I take shots of Estrogen three times a week and I am getting used to periods and breasts and I'm… I'm beginning to live who I am but I have kept this in secret for six months because I wanted you to accept me first. If you can't I understand, and if your gay and can't stand the thought of sleeping with me we never have to but I'd like to at least be able to being myself around you. And someday I'd like to be open with everyone someday, but first I needed you to wake up and to show you who I am."
Sirius was undeniably beautiful, soft, curly hair, slim figure with thick hips and slender build. His breasts weren't large but the slight amount of cleavage was enough Remus was glad he had been redressed, as his erection was slowly growing and he couldn't take his eyes off his fiancee. The soft, beautiful curves of his partner and the kissable, feminine lips, god he had never wanted someone so much in his entire life.
"What is your name my beautiful queen." I don't know where the words came from but the smile that crosses Siri's face makes my heart light with the same joy I see in her eyes as the words are said.
"My name is Amanda Siri Black and one day I hope you will call me your wife."
And that was how it all began.