Neil wasn't quite sure what caused the sudden change in Shaun's overall behavior. It just came out of nowhere; no warning and now he felt helpless as to what he should do to fix it. If he could fix it, that is. If Shaun would allow him to fix it. He'd become more independent, somewhat less willing to for anyone to help him, which caused Neil a great deal of exasperation and worry at times. This was one of those times; where Shaun was expertly distancing himself while still being on his service. The littles glances Neil would send his way went unnoticed, he always turned away. Their lunch meetings stopped altogether; Shaun was either working through lunch or he made it a point to sit with one of the other residents. He'd tried to sit with them, only once, figuring ( hoping) Shaun just needed the presence of his friends to feel more secure. It was quite the opposite, actually. Shaun put his foot down (Neil had been torn whether to feel annoyed or proud), expressing his displeasure and suggesting that he sit somewhere else.

Alone.

Neil bit back the tinge of humiliation and hurt, nodding a little too vigorously. Claire and Park exchanged looks. Morgan's eyebrows rose, conveying a sense of amusement she was feeling.

Claire had tried to intervene, only dropping it when Neil shook his head. He didn't want to start it now; not at the risk of causing a scene should Shaun get irreparably angry.

He found a spot in the back of the cafeteria, far enough away from Shaun's table but not far away that he couldn't see them anymore.

It just didn't make any sense. One moment, everything was going smoothly. Shaun had moved into his house about three months prior and they had gotten into a manageable routine that made Neil feel like they'd been at it for years. There was no second guessing over whether they made the right choice or any regrets.

Or maybe...

Did Shaun regret moving in? Was that why he was avoiding Neil? It wasn't any better at home, he did it there too. He went to bed before or after Neil did, and didn't speak many words unless Neil spoke first.

Oh God, they were moving too fast, weren't they? This was Shaun's first real relationship and Neil was screwing it up by not thinking about what he needed. He might have felt pressured to say yes to Neil's invitation to move in. Maybe he hadn't wanted to and feared they would break up if he didn't.

Neil had lost his appetite that day.

"Are you okay?" Neil was busy tightening his laces, glancing at her briefly with an emotionless expression. Claire got the hint. "Sorry. Stupid question."

She'd (correctly) surmised that he needed to let out some steam and asked him to join her on a run after work. He let Shaun know that he wouldn't be home right away and only received a hum (which he didn't even know was directed at him) in response.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, a soft squeeze that made him look up. "I know you're worried," her eyes betrayed her own worry, too. Shaun was like a brother to her that she was fiercely protective of. "I'm sure Shaun's okay. Maybe he needs some time."

"Time from what?" He sighed heavily. A million possible scenarios were swirling around in his mind, each one more stressful than the last. "He won't talk to me anymore unless it's work related. He avoids me even at home and he's started to sleep on the couch."

Claire posture sagged. "Neil," she started sadly.

He put a hand up. "Don't say it, please. I know."

"Maybe it's not what you think," ever the optimistic, Claire sat beside him on the bench as he lowered his leg to the ground. "This is his first relationship, maybe he's overwhelmed."

"He should have told me," Neil couldn't push aside the slight bitterness. He thought they understood each other, if there was a conflict or one of them did something the other was upset about, they were going to talk it out until it was fixed. "Why didn't he tell me?"

"I don't know," Claire said quietly. "Maybe he thinks you won't understand."

"That's ridiculous." He would go to the ends of the earth for Shaun. He would do anything to make sure Shaun was comfortable and okay. How- why did he somehow think Neil wouldn't understand or try to? It stung, admittedly. A deep, awful burning in his chest so forceful he could've been sick. "Of course I'd understand."

Briefly forfeiting the run, Claire crossed her legs. He didn't want to hear her throw around phrases such as it will get better or give it time. It wouldn't help him not when his relationship was on the brink of disaster and he didn't even know why.

"Are we moving too fast?" He usually preferred to keep the more personal questions reserved for Shaun only. His private life was a little more open now but not enough that he was going to put himself out there often. "Do you think I shouldn't have asked him to move in. Should we have gone slower?" If there was anyone he trusted not to blurt out information, it was Claire.

She ran a hand through her hair, looking thoughtful as she pondered. "I don't know. Has Shaun said anything to you?" She winced at his pointed look. "Sorry-again. Look, Neil, if you were moving too fast, I doubt Shaun would just go along with it. You know how vocal he can be. Something is bothering him and the best advice I can offer is for you to sit down and talk to him about it."

"How am I supposed to do that if he won't talk to me? "

"Than make him listen," she said simply. "I know, easier said than done."

Neil muttered under his breath.

She nudged him, smiling halfway. "I know you're worried. It's natural. You knew dating Shaun wouldn't be easy."

He side-eyed her, wondering what her point was.

"But you made it work. You convinced all of us that you didn't care whether Shaun had autism or not. Don't you remember how Dr. Glassman was against you two?"

Neil recalled it-and how he very nearly blew up at Aaron. Shaun had been devastated by the lack of support, although he didn't voice it originally until Neil had managed to get it out of him. In the end, Aaron gave them his blessing (but Neil couldn't have cared if he did or not). The ordeal had been the last time he had seen Shaun shut down.

Until now.

Claire broke through his thoughts. "You got through that and you'll get through this. You're afraid, Neil and that's okay."

"I'm not afraid." He was terrified. If he lost Shaun-he swallowed. He didn't know what he'd do if this didn't work out. The love he thought he had for Jess didn't compare to what he had for Shaun.

Claire's face softened. "It's okay. I'd be afraid, too." Neil averted his eyes, looking ahead and not at her. "Listen, Shaun loved you very much. Trust me, he's always telling us about it." A slight smile came onto his lips. "You will get through whatever this is, Neil. He just needs to know he's supported."

He looked at her this time, exhaling. He would do it, right after he finished their run. He'd heard a few snippets from Aaron of how Shaun's childhood had gone and he never wanted him to feel like that, like he was all alone ever again.

Not if he could help it.

"Hey," Neil said softly. "Can we talk?"

Shaun was sitting on their couch, feet tucked under him (which seemed uncomfortable but apparently wasn't). The TV was on, some documentary from a few years back. He was caught off guard momentarily, flinching at the sound of Neil's voice.

"I'm tired," he lied. "I want to go to bed." He turned off the TV.

"Please-" it wasn't often that Neil begged and in that moment, Shaun understood the seriousness of the situation.

"Okay."

Neil moved to the other end of the couch, mindful to keep his distance despite a strong urge to pull the other man in his arms. Shaun stared at him, waiting. Neil's throat went dry as his brain, frazzled, tried to figure out how to begin.

"You're nervous," Shaun noted. It was the most words he'd spoken to him in days.

"Yeah," Neil rubbed the back of his neck. "A little. Listen, Shaun-" Shaun visibly tensed. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Because you can. I'll understand, and if I don't, I'll try to. But please, don't keep secrets from me. I can't help you if I don't know."

Shaun kept his eyes on the blank TV, unblinking.

"Was it something I did?" Neil tried.

No answer.

"Did I put the toilet paper the wrong way again?"

He hadn't known it was possible to. Shaun had been scandalized the first time it happened, huffing when instead of taking it seriously like he was supposed to, Neil struggled to contain his laughter, only to burst out laughing at the sight of Shaun Murphy pouting (of which he denied).

There was still no answer and Neil was close to ripping his hair out.

"I give up, Shaun. I don't know what I did or said to upset you but I'm sorry. I'd never do it on purpose and you know that. Please, please just tell me what's wrong."

Shaun wrung his hands anxiously but otherwise made no indication he heard Neil pleading with him.

Defeated, Neil shrugged helplessly and stood up to go to their (but as of lately his) bedroom for a little while. He expected it to be another night of sleeping by himself while Shaun crashed on the couch. The pain in his chest returned. He couldn't help but wonder how it all turned sour so fast.

Just as he was leaving, Shaun spoke up.

"You told me you wanted to get a pet."

Neil turned back around, relieved that Shaun had responded but also filled with confusion. Almost two weeks ago he brought up the idea of getting a pet after seeing Shaun fed the stray cat that lived outside his apartment, assuming he'd want one of his own. Neil thought he'd be ecstatic (or equivalent to it).

"I don't understand."

Shaun rocked a bit-a telltale sign he was nearing a meltdown. "You told me you wanted to get a pet," he repeated frantically, pulling restlessly at his hair. It wasn't long enough to yank at, thank God, or else Shaun was going to give himself a headache.

Neil was instantly back beside him, concerned. "You don't want a pet, is that what's wrong?"

Shaun made a distressing noise. His eyes were glossy, as if he was on the verge of tears. The rocking became faster. Neil tried to remember what Aaron had told him to do in case this were to occur.

Shaun shook his head wildly in response to Neil's earlier question. "We can't," he sounded strangled, "we can't, we can't." He was chanting it over and over to himself.

"Why?" Neil needed him to explain it, perhaps it would calm him down if he tried to make sense of it. "Why can't we?"

"Because it will die! " Shaun shrieked and Neil jerked in surprise. "It will die and I will be sad and I don't want it to go to Heaven like my bunny!"

Bunny...out of all the conversations pertaining to Shaun, never once did Aaron mention that he had a pet bunny. Shaun had obviously been traumatized by its death.

"Shaun, everyone-everything-dies eventually. We can't do anything about it and it sucks but it's life. I know you loved your bunny but-"

"My dad killed him," Shaun's voice tuned down to a whisper that Neil barely caught. Neil looked at him, horrified. "He killed him. He threw him against the wall. Dr. Glassman couldn't help him. He said he was dead."

Neil's heart went out to him. He couldn't imagine witnessing that, especially with his frame of mind. A surge of anger also rushed throughout him, wishing nothing more than the opportunity to have just five minutes with Shaun's father. He wished he could've helped Shaun earlier, to ensure that he had a better life. He didn't deserve the one he got, where his father hated him, his mother did nothing about it and his only friend and brother died. Shaun Murphy didn't deserve the cruel life he was given.

"Shaun," Neil kept his voice steady, "I am so sorry. You didn't deserve that and neither did your bunny."

Tears slid down the resident's face. Neil kept his hand still, rather than wipe them away like he would've done. It hurt, not being able to comfort him as he would someone else. That train of thought was usually followed by the reminder that Shaun wasn't someone else; he was Shaun and he had a few limitations but nothing Neil couldn't handle.

Nothing he would refuse to handle.

"We don't have to get a pet," he continued. "I just thought you wanted one. We don't have to get one, if you don't want to."

The rocking slowed down but it wasn't over yet. Shaun sniffled; tugging at his shirt like he was about to rip it off. "I don't want a pet now," he shook his head again.

"We can wait, if that's what you want," Neil made sure he was gentle, to let Shaun know that he wasn't upset in the slightest.

The utter relief that came from those words was profound; Shaun managed to nod. Neil was grateful to have gotten through to him, but the sadness on his heart made the moment less victorious. Shaun would never be able to erase those memories, they would always be there and Neil couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't take them away, much as he wished he could.

"Shaun-"

"I'm sorry," Shaun interjected, a touch of fear in his voice. "I should have told you. I was wrong. I'm sorry."

"I wish you would've," Neil learned it was best not to sugar-coat his feelings, because despite Shaun's limitations, he still should be treated like any other person. "Did you think I wouldn't understand?"

The look in his eyes told Neil everything.

"I'm sorry," Shaun repeated.

"I know you are," Neil reassured him. "It's okay, I forgive you. I just want you to understand that even if I don't necessarily understand it, I'll try to. I'll always try to."

"You're not lying?" Shaun bit his lip, doubtious. "Or...kidding?"

"Do you think I am?"

Shaun tilted his head, Neil could practically see the gears turning in his head.

"No."

"You're correct," Neil opened his hand, silently asking for permission to hold Shaun's. The younger man lifted his hand hesitantly, glancing at Neil then allowing him to grasp it. "I love you, Shaun, so much. I love you too much to ever treat you like everyone else did."

"I love you, too," Shaun watched their fingers intertwine. Neil's heart swelled at the innocent, curious look that summed up Shaun Murphy.

"But please promise that if you ever have a problem with something I say, you'll talk to me about it. We can't work together if we don't communicate."

"That's not true," Shaun said slowly like Neil was a small child.

"Oh, really? How so?" Neil couldn't wait to hear this.

"You didn't talk to me that much when I came to St. Bonaventure and we still worked together."

Neil dropped his head to hide the grin on his face. "I meant our relationship can't work if we don't talk about our problems."

"I know," Shaun said. "Dr. Glassman told me."

Neil didn't entirely trust Aaron to explain it without messing up a time or two. His opinion meant the world to Shaun and if Aaron did anything to upset him (unintentionally or not), he might have to make a visit to his house to have a few words.

"Did you understand what Aaron was trying to say?"

"Yes," Shaun barely let him finish. Neil feigned a scolding look, but he ignored that. "Dr. Glassman was very thorough. He went through many scenarios."

Neil watched him wipe away a few stray tears and sniffle again. "How about I make us some chocolate chip pancakes?" he suggested. "I bet you're hungry."

"Yes, you took a long time to come."

"I'm sorry." He and Claire spent more time talking, with neil expressing his concern to her than they did running. "I should have called you."

"Yes, you should have." Anyone else might have interpreted that as anger, but Neil detected a hint of teasing.

"I'll do better next time," Neil winked.

Shaun nodded. "I'm going to wash my face," he announced.

Neil leaned back on the couch. Falling in love with Shaun Murphy of all people was never planned.

He smiled.

But it was certainly worth it.