Buck was tired. So tired. He wished he could back to that time when everything between Eddie and him was okay. To a time where no words were needed because they both knew what the other one was trying to say or do next. Buck had tried to apologize several times already. Tried to explain why he did what he did with the lawsuit and how bad he still feels about it to this day. The rest of the one-eighteen understood now, why he acted that way. Everyone except Eddie. Eddie couldn't understand his despair at the time.
Buck just wanted to stop falling. That is how he imagined this whole fiasco. Like a fall from 10.0000 meters; first the ladder truck accident, then the pulmonary embolism and if this wasn't already enough — the universe really hated him — the tsunami. He still had nightmares about that day. Almost every night he woke up and desperately shouted Christophers name. Sometimes he was under that ladder truck again. Sometimes he even saw himself lying there, saw how Chimney and Hen shook their heads. He was dead.
This dream wasn't the worst of them all. Sometimes he sees Christopher dying in the tsunami. He sees Eddie with a hateful look telling him how he cheated death again. Why he gets to live and not his son. Buck could literally feel all the hate and anger towards him. He often dreamt about Christophers death and each time he died differently. Buck never went back to sleep after that nightmare. Every time he tried to convince himself that everything was fine, that Christopher was okay, but it didn't always work. Eddie still hated him. He just hadn't told him that yet.
Buck needed to talk to Eddie. He needed to explain everything. They both had a day off this Saturday. It was perfect. It was the perfect opportunity. Buck would also tell him how he really felt. He needed to put all the cards on the table. He needed to tell him that he was in love with him. If Eddie hated him after his confession, so be it. At least he had told him everything he needed to say.
Evan Buckley was tired of falling. He wanted control. He just wanted to fly.
Due his medical leave Buck used his time off wisely. He cleaned his apartment, sorted and organized everything, read books and even tried to cook again. Bobby taught him again as soon as the whole lawsuit fiasco had calmed down und everything was back to the way it used to be. Buck was proud of himself. They've mastered breakfast and moved on to lunches and small desserts. Buck, Bobby had said one day. I think you are ready for the next step. I'm getting tired of seeing you eating pancakes, eggs and French toast.
As Buck set up to prepare a special dish for Eddie's visit tonight - thank god for Bobby's recipe - he couldn't help himself but think about everything that had happened:
Five months ago he had successfully passed his firefighting (re)certification test only to be forced to take blood thinners due to a pulmonary embolism. He had to take them for six months and couldn't go back to work because of them. He didn't want to sit behind a desk either. The tsunami followed. After that he finally realized that maybe light duty wasn't as bad as he previously thought. That slimy lawyer Chase Mackey came along and ruined everything. Mackey got into his head.
As if all of this wasn't enough, it was Bobby who kept him from returning to work. At this point and because of his own stupidity, he thought it would be the best to sue the city, the fire department - and Bobby. The time during the lawsuit was the worst for Buck. He had no one. He was lonely. He often sat in his apartment and let his thoughts run free. A few weeks later he realized his mistake. The city wanted to make a settlement. Buck never wanted money. He just wanted to go back and save lives as a firefighter.
Months later - on Halloween - was his first official day back at the station. He knew he would not be welcomed with open arms and yes, maybe that hurt him a little bit, but he was glad to be back. Even though he was not allowed on calls. Hen and Chimney were the first ones to talk to him. He was on candy duty that day and because of his good work - an idiot could've done this - Bobby let him leave early. He saved two lives on his way home. Due to his blood thinners he even ended up in the hospital again. Halloween was also the day he finally understood Bobbys worry about him coming back while still being on blood thinners. Sure, he's had a few minor injuries during calls before but with blood thinners these minor injuries could become serious ones very quickly. Bobby was Bucks emergency contact. Bobby already imagined the worst while driving to the hospital. Buck briefly explained to him what had happened and how he got some shallow cuts on is forearm. Bobby realized then, his uniform wasn't just a uniform for Buck, no not even costume, but rather who he is as a person. Buck had his heart at the right place.
From that moment on he was allowed on calls again. He was off blood thinners for about a month now, too. Everything was almost normal again. Well, almost. He would talk to Eddie today. It couldn't go on like this anymore. These last few months were bad enough.
He thought about transferring every once in a while. But who would look after Eddie when he was gone? They weren't talking normally anymore, but Buck will always got his back. Not matter what. Buck and Eddie still worked together, but it wasn't the same as before. They went separate ways as soon as they were back at the staton. Something needed to change.
"Dammit, Eddie will be here in half an hour and I still need to shower and set the table.", Buck said to himself. Everything needed to be perfect today. Buck thought for sure that Eddie was gonna cancel their "date" but he hasn't called yet. He assumed that Eddie needed this evening as much as he did. Buck had a plan. Finding clothes and showering took probably the longest so he decided to set the table later. This smells delicious, Buck thought. I really outdid myself this time.
Eddie and Buck were both beer drinkers. But Buck wanted something special this time. So he and Maddie had picked out a nice red wine for dinner. Buck was getting nervous. Eddie should be here in a few minutes. Everything was perfect. So, he waited.
And waited.
And waited.
After an hour - Eddie was still not here - Buck decided to put everything away again. He had already opened the wine and he didn't feel like throwing it away. Maddie hadn't exactly picked out a cheap one. He didn't want to waste it. He hadn't eaten, but he wasn't in the mood for food anymore. He didn't want to throw away the food either. This took me almost three hours, Buck thought. I'll just eat it tomorrow or drop it off at Maddie's.
Buck grabbed his phone and called Eddie. He wanted to know, he needed to know why Eddie decided not to come.
"Hello! You've reached the voicemail of Eddie Diaz. You know how it works, messages after the beep."
"Hey Eddie. It's Buck. You were supposed to come over today, but I guess you just don't care, about us anymore, huh? I really wanted to talk to you. I guess we have nothing left to say to each other."
Buck hung up and sipped on this wine. He didn't know whether he was sad or disappointed. He didn't want to feel anything anymore. The bottle slipped out of his hand while pouring the rest of the wine into his glass. It broke.
"Fuck."
He quickly grabbed a cloth and tried to clean up the mess. He noticed too late, that he kneeled directly into a shard while picking up the others. The universe really hates me, Buck realized. He was a little dazed. He was no longer used to alcohol. He sat down on the floor and looked at his knee. It just had to be his crushed leg. He gritted his teeth and carefully pulled the shard out. Thank god I don't have to take blood thinners anymore, Buck thought. He pressed the cloth on his wound and grabbed another one to tie it securely. He collected the remaining shards slowly and disappeared into his bathroom. He tried to clean the cut as best as he could. He put a bandage on and went to bed.
What a shitty day.
Eddies day was, how should he describe it, not going well. He hardly slept, he was out of coffee and Christopher was sick.
There was a stomach bug going around at Christophers school. Everything seemed fine yesterday. But today he woke up with a fever and couldn't keep anything down. Today was also his date with Buck. Okay, it wasn't a date-date but he wished it was. Eddie liked Buck. Sometimes it scared the hell out of him how much he liked him, maybe even loved him. But Eddie ruined everything with his stupid behavior. Christopher idolized Buck. He was the one who said he finally needed to speak with Buck. Christopher missed the blue-eyed firefighter. And to be honest, Eddie did that too. His own stubbornness and pride were getting in the way.
"Hey buddy. Are you feeling any better?", he asked his son and put his hand on his forehead. "Hm, still warm."
"My stomach and my throat hurt.", replied Christopher softly.
Eddie sighed. He didn't like seeing Christopher suffer.
"Oh, mijo. I'm gonna get you something for your throat. I'll make some tea, too."
Eddie disappeared quickly and came back with some tea and medicine. Eddie ran his hands through Christophers hair as he sipped on this tea.
"Dad, please don't forget your date with Buck today."
Eddie stopped.
"I'll call him later. I don't want to leave you alone today."
Christopher sat up.
"But you need to go. We can call Abuela. She can look after me."
"I don't know, mijo."
"Come on Dad. I know you've been looking forward to this the whole time. You miss him. I miss him, too."
"All right, we'll call your Abuela. Now scoot over. Let's take a nap."
This day has been exhausting. He just wanted to lie down for a while.
Eddie woke up suddenly. Christopher was still asleep next to him. Why did he wake up? He looked at his watch. 10:36 pm. He should have been at Buck's apartment hours ago. Damn.
He quickly got up and ran to his room. His cellphone was on his bed. Buck left a voicemail.
"Hey Eddie. It's Buck. You were supposed to come over today, but I guess you just don't care about us anymore, huh? I really wanted to talk to you. I guess we have nothing left to say to each other."
Eddie's day just sucked.
The next few days went by in a flash for Buck. He had accepted the fact, that Eddie wanted nothing more to do with him. Eddie had called in sick. Buck guessed he just didn't want so see him. But to be honest, Buck was glad he wasn't there either.
Buck was exhausted. Sometimes he was too hot and sometimes too cold. His crushed leg was bothering him, too. He blamed it on the weather, though. His leg always started to hurt when there was about to come a sudden change in the weather or something. The cut on his knee also hurt and itched sometimes. He didn't think much about it.
Days went by and everything was quickly forgotten again.
Buck's shift was tiring today; four car accidents, two minor fires and one slightly bigger one. He just wanted to go home and sleep for two days straight. Eddie was back again. He tried to talk to Buck, but Buck wouldn't let him.
"Are you okay there, Buck? You're a little pale and you're also limping. Is your leg okay?" Bobby sounded worried and Eddie watched Buck's reaction. He was right. Buck was putting all his weight on his right leg und looked indeed pale. Wait, was he running a fever? Bucks voice ripped him out of his train of thought.
"Everything's fine, Cap. Busy day. I just want to sleep." Bobby nodded.
"Call us if you need us. We are here for you. We'll see you on Monday. Go get some rest, Buckaroo."
"Thanks Bobby. Bye."
Buck went to his locker and packed his stuff and said goodbye to the others. Eddie followed him outside.
"Buck, wait."
Buck ignored him and just kept walking.
"Buck please." He still didn't stop. "Damn it, Evan. Please. We need to talk."
Buck stopped abruptly, turned around and yelled: "What Eddie? You want to talk now? Newsflash, I wanted to talk to you over a week ago, but you didn't show up."
"Evan, I-", Eddie started, but Buck interrupted him.
"No, Eddie. I wanted everything to go back to normal. I lie awake at night and I can't go back to sleep because I had another nightmare and Christopher was gone. Damn Eddie. The tsunami was months ago and I can't sleep. Every fucking day I wait for you to tell me to go and to leave you and Christopher alone. To tell me how selfish that lawsuit was how childish I've been acting. Every damn day I think "Today's the day Eddie tells you what a pathetic little loser you are." I can't take this anymore Eddie. I-"
Buck didn't know how it happened. But suddenly Eddie was there and hugging him. Holding him and trying to protect him from all the bad things in the world. Buck sobbed and clung to him.
"Evan." There was it again. That feeling. It felt right when Eddie used his first name. "You are not a loser. You're the best thing that could have ever happened to me and Christopher. You are a wonderful person and I'm sorry for the way I've treated you in the past. I was scared. You accept everything life throws at you and make something good out of it. And me? Even the smallest bump in the road makes me want to smash someone's head in an illegal street fight. The day of our date; I wanted to come but Christopher came down with something. I hardly slept that night before and I must have fallen asleep. Then I got sick myself and as I tried to explain it to you, you ignored me. I'm so sorry."
Buck looked up. "Illegal street fighting? We'll talk about that later."
Eddie tightened his hold on Buck. "There are still so many things we need to talk about." He took a step back and wiped Buck's tears with his hand. Eddie looked at Buck's lips and slowly moved closer. Buck froze. He got very hot all of sudden. His breathing quickened and he started shaking.
"Buck? Are you all right?" Eddie felt Buck's forehead. "Damn, you're hot."
Buck laughed. "I know."
"No Buck, you have a fever." Buck paused.
"Yeah, I don't feel so good right know. That stupid wine bottle. There were so many shards. Hey Eddie, what are you doing here?" He swayed a little.
"Hen, Chim! Something's wrong with Buck! Hey, hey Buck, come on. Don't close your eyes."
"Eddie, I lo-"
Thats all Buck got out before the world went black.
"Buck? BUCK!"
Hen, Chim and Bobby were suddenly next to him. He was glad that they were still in the fire station parking lot.
"Eddie, what happened?" Hen asked.
"I don't know. We were talking and all of sudden he started shaking and his breathing picked up. He also has a fever."
"His heart is racing like crazy." Chim noted. "Does anyone know if he's gotten hurt recently?"
Eddie began thinking. "His leg. His leg has been bothering him lately, right?"
Chim acted immediately. With a pair of scissors he cut Bucks trousers open.
Buck was unconscious, but if he'd been awake, he'd be smacking himself now. He had cleaned that cut, but he had missed tiny bits of broken glass in the wound. It had become inflamed as a result.
Everyone gasped.
"We need to get him to the hospital immediately." Chim shouted. "Let's get him on the gurney. Hen, you drive. Eddie, Bobby, we will see you guys at the hospital."
They got into the ambulance and drove away.
"Hen, how much longer? His blood pressure is dropping!"
"Seven minutes. Is that what I think it is?"
"If you mean septic shock, then you are correct." Chim replied.
Henrietta Wilson didn't hesitate for a second longer and pressed the gas pedal all the way down.
"Hang in there, Buckaroo."
Eddie and Bobby arrived at the hospital a while ago. No one said a word. They were both deep in thought. All of them were trained EMTs and no one had realized that Buck was already in the final stages of blood poisoning. Eddie didn't hear Hen and Chim approaching and sitting down on the opposite side of him. When Bobby asked how Buck was doing he looked up.
"He had a septic shock. It's not looking good, Cap. His organs are failing." Chim replied sadly.
Eddie hated being an EMT right now. He knew what that meant. He could lose Buck again. They did act quickly, but his chances for survival were 40 percent. And if he survives there were risks of long-term damage.
It was all Eddies fault. A few days before their date Buck had asked him, if he preferred red or white wine. He must have spilled the wine along with the bottle somehow. It was his fault. If he'd been with him that night, none of this would've happened.
Eddie didn't know how it happened but suddenly he found himself laying on the cold and hard hospital floor, starring into Hen's worried face.
"What happened?" He asked as he tried to get up.
Bobby helped him. "You had a panic attack."
"Oh."
He sat down on the uncomfortable hospital chair again. "Are there any news yet?"
"No," Bobby answered. "But no news is good news, right?"
Chimney sat down next to Eddie.
"Buck's a fighter. He's proved that countless times already."
Eddie laughed, but it sounded more like a sob. " Yes, he is."
He clung to that hope as tightly as he could.
Chim had called Maddie and explained everything to her. She was on her way back home. She had been out of town. It had something to do with her work. She'd be here in a few hours. It could be longer. Stupid traffic.
The little group had been waiting for almost three hours. Bobby and Chim had gotten coffee for everyone. Athena was there, too. Eddie had asked Hen if Karen could look after Christopher. He couldn't leave. "Don't worry, Eddie. Denny and Christoper are having a sleepover. Both are very excited."
"Thanks, Hen. You're the best." Hen laughed.
"I've heard that one before."
"Evan Buckley?"
The group got up in unison. The doctor looked exhausted but managed to smile a little bit.
"My name is Dr. Summers. I'm Mr. Buckley's doctor.
"Is he okay?" Eddie asked. His hands were sweaty. Dr. Summers hesitated. "I'd like to speak with a family member."
"Eddie is Buck's husband." Hen didn't miss a beat. Eddie's heart stopped. "Is that correct?" Dr. Summers was looking at Eddie now.
Athena and Bobby only grinned.
"Yes, I am. It's Buckley-Diaz actually." Eddie said.
"Well," Dr. Summers looked to the others.
"We are a family. It's okay. They can know."
Dr. Summers still seemed a little bit unsure about this whole situation but continued regardless.
"Mr. Buckley-Diaz was very lucky. He's alive. He's currently being transferred to the ICU. We had to intubate him. We cleaned the wound on his knee and gave him antibiotics. If he'd been alone during the septic shock he probably wouldn't be alive right now. He's not out of the woods yet, but I'm confident that he'll make a full recovery. A nurse will take you to your husband shortly."
"It doesn't look like he'll be suffering from any long-term damage, but we will see and take more tests when he wakes up. Your husband seems like a real fighter, Mr. Buckley-Diaz." Eddie smiled and everyone felt a wave of relief wash over them.
"Yes, he is." They all said in unison. No one noticed that neither of them had a ring on their finger.
A few minutes later Eddie was finally allowed to see Buck. He was pale, very pale, but alive. Eddie had hoped that he wouldn't have to visit Buck in the hospital anytime soon, but here he was again. He grabbed the chair from the corner of the room and sat down beside Buck. He took his hand. It was a little cold.
"Cariño, you put yourself in the hospital again. This really needs to stop. You're going to give me a heart attack someday. I'm too young for that shit." Eddie smiled and wiped his tears away. "Please don't do that again. You have to take better care of yourself."
The hours passed slowly. After about two days Buck was finally out of the ICU and transferred to a different ward. He was getting better, but had not woken up yet. Dr. Summers assured him, that this was perfectly normal. His body was recovering from a trauma. Eddie still worried about him.
Maddie arrived a few hours after Buck was transferred to the ICU. She was quite surprised when Dr. Summers told her that Buck's husband was already there, but she smiled and played along. Eddie really cares so much about him, she thought.
As she arrived at Buck's room, Eddie tried to explain everything, but she waved him off.
"You finally listened to your heart. Chim already told me everything. My brother needs you, Eddie. You're still on thin ice because of how you've treated him in the past but I'm glad you finally got that stick out of your ass. You love him."
Someone was running his fingers through Eddies hair. He woke up slowly and remembered what happened. He looked up. There he was. The love of his life.
"Hi." Buck said. His voice sounded a little hoarse.
"Hi." Eddie replied softly.
"Illegal street fighting, huh?" Eddie winced. "A part of me hoped you didn't remember this."
Buck shook his head. "I remember everything except the kiss."
Eddie laughed. "Because it didn't happen. Not yet." Eddie cupped Bucks face gently, holding it in place and leaned down to kiss him. The kiss was gentle, full of love and desire. Eddie pulled away and rested his forehead against Buck's.
"So," Buck began."We're married? I must have missed something pretty important."
Eddie laughed. "Maddie was on her way to the hospital and Hen didn't know what to do."
"Typical Hen. She's always one step ahead of us."
Eddie looked at Buck. His look was full of love and affection. "Yes, she is. Listen Buck. We have so much to talk about, but first you're going to get better and healthy again. I love you, Evan." Eddie whispered and kissed Buck on the forehead.
"I love you too, Eddie Buckley-Diaz." Buck replied.
Hen, Athena, Bobby and Chimey saw the end of their much needed exchange between the two lovebirds. Maddie was the last one to arrive.
"About time, folks." Hen shouted. "Chim, you owe me, Athena and Maddie 100 bucks."
Chimney froze. "But-"
"Nope." Athena said. "A bet is a bet."
Eddie and Buck couldn't believe this. "You made a bet?!"
Maddie walked over to Hen and Athena. "We sure did. Chimney here thought you will figure out your feelings all on your own."
Chim took out his wallet and gave each women 100 dollars.
Hen happily thanked him for the money and went on. "Athena, Maddie and I said that first it will take Buck ending up in the hospital again for you two idiots to finally admit your feelings."
"My own sister. I'm deeply disappointed." Buck said with the best hurt expression he could muster but ended up laughing instead.
"Buck, if you only new. This isn't the first time we've had a bet going on about you." Maddie confessed.
Buck stopped laughing. "Hey, what's that supposed to mean. I'm-"
Eddie shut him up with a kiss.
"Go to bed, Buckley." Eddie said.
"Hey, it's Buckley-Diaz to you." Buck said with a wink.
Eddie blushed; the rest of the group smiled.
Buckley 4, Death zero.